I deal with doubting my salvation and whether I'm really a Christian every day. Does that mean I'm not a Christian? I'm really struggling . I feel like other Christians are so happy and have a huge change of heart but I don't think that's the case for me. I still really struggle with jealousy, anger and other sins. :(
Whenever you became a Christian, in that moment something called justification happened–you were immediately justified by Christ. This means that you were set free from the penalty of sin. From that point until the day you die, you are in a process called sanctification–a lifetime journey of being set free from the power of your sin. Sanctification is the process of you becoming more like Christ. It’s messy. It’s often a slow and steady process of you realizing the faithfulness of God in spite of your unfaithfulness. It is cycle of becoming more aware of His beauty, more receptive of His love, and more dependent on His grace. Notice that neither justification nor sanctification sets you free from the presence of sin. This doesn’t happen until we are united with Christ. But in this process of sanctification, Philippians says to “continue to work out (not work for) your salvation.” This is a matter of being steadfast. Your eternal security in Christ changed in an instance, but you did not. This is reality. Jesus is not some magician. He is a Savior that engages us relationally and slowly peels off the layers that do not resemble HIm.
Have you ever read the Chronicles of Narnia? C.S. Lewis does a beautiful job of explaining this in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader–the excerpt is quite long, but it really is such a clear depiction of what the pleasure and pain of sanctification is really like (find it here). It isn’t about being a good ole person. It’s not about enacting morality or striving for goodness. It is about being set free from the burden of both pretense and performance. It’s about being free from the penalty of sin and living in that freedom because you are now a new creation… and this doesn’t mean that you’re perfect. It means that you are no longer left to wander around searching for belonging, purpose, or satisfaction because you have been given all of this in Christ.
I hope this has helped, but if not, I’ve talked extensively about salvation and the confusing nature of whether we “feel saved” from one day to another here.
The last thing I’d like to leave you with is this quote by Tim Keller. I feel that it’s such an accurate depiction of what sanctification feels like.
Have you ever traveled to a mountainous part of the world when it was cloudy and rainy? You look out your windows and you can see almost nothing but the ground. Then the rain stops and the clouds part and you catch your breath because there, towering right over you, is this magnificent peak. But a couple of hours later the clouds roll in and it has vanished, and you don’t see it again for a good while. That is what it is like to get to know a Christian.
You have an old self and a new self (Ephesians 4:24). The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can’t break, and many besetting sins and entrenched character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws.
This new self is always a work in progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going.
Trust that the promises of God are taking effect in your life and be present in the process. As your sin prevents you from knowing the joy and freedom of God’s love, His spirit will convict you with godly sorrow towards your sin, and this leads to repentance. As you repent, you fill the void of whatever sin/habit with the promises and truth of God. It’s a wash, rinse, repeat kind of thing :)
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