ā1. I dont self harm but tonight i looked at pictures of you two and right now i think thats the same thing 2. I texted every boy who ever wanted to fuck me so i could feel better. It was a bad idea. 3.I told my mom about you even though she likes to forget im gay sometimes 4. I didnt eat anything 5. I still had that lurking urge to put two fingers down my throat. Maybe Im that desperate to stop tasting you on the back of my tongue. 6. I wrote you into metaphors because i think its dangerous to say your name. You are fireworks, the smell of vodka, and the ringing in the back of my head 7. I keep have to reminding myself that you are good for my writing. But what if it never stops. What if you never stop ringing and exploding and doing whatever vodka does when it is consumed in extremely large quantities by someone who needs to start over. 8. What if its always you 9. I donāt write because it helps me get over you. I write because if I can write something about you maybe it was all worth it. 10. most of my good poetry is about you. If they would bind my throat into pages the title would be āabout loving an ariesā and your name would be scribbled a million times on the dedication page. Id write something in the margin about how im sorry for not taking enough pictures. Id only send it to you because it would be wasted on anyone else. We loved different. 14 days and I swear I hadnāt felt more. 11. you were always fireworks. I would let you combust into me knowing very well you would disappear seconds later leaving behind only smoke. I didnāt need you, I never needed you, but I wanted to. You are all I fucking want. 12. I want to be poetic about it 13. I donāt think I can anymore. Iām sorry.ā
ā Honest confessions I wish I could tell you
New ending:
13. I donāt think I can anymore. I have to move on.
14. Iām reading this poem at 25. Itās been 6 years. I stayed. You hit me. More than once. I went to jail for you. I grew up. I canāt write poetry anymore, but I take life as it comes. I swallow the hard truths and I stand up for myself. I donāt hate you anymore (but part of me wish I did.) Recovering was the hardest thing I think I ever did, but I wonāt stop appreciating you for giving me the chance to step up to the challenge.
15.I truly hope we never speak again.
16.Thank you for letting me fall in love, the way people always talk about.
