F O U R T H @enigmanuel-blog - Tumblr Blog

I LOVE/THANK YOU

I feel that i’ve become a liar. A liar in the sense that i’m lying to myself about what i feel and lying to others about what i feel toward them. After my first breakup, i started dating. I wanted that someone out there would fill the hole in my heart which my first boyfriend left. I found my second boyfriend, we lasted in a short span of time. then after that, i had crushes, lots of them. I flirt with different boys at the same time. It was a desperate thing to do. I was a fool. Then when I feel that the feelings are mutual, I will just say it. “I love you”. Sometimes it felt wrong because I do not really mean it or sometimes I am just playing with them. I like playing with someone else’s feeling idek why. but the point is, the value, the feeling, and the essence of saying “i love you” became less. I guess in my situation. I feel stupid but I guess, the person I really love is the person who first broke my heart. The love i long is just to cope with the damage. Meeting different people gives you different feelings and different stories. there is no such people are the same, imo. maybe what i mean is “thank you”. Thank you because you make me feel happy again, you brought back the smile in my face, thank you because you are there to make me laugh and listen to my worthless stories. idk

// J U S T L I K E T H E M O V I E S //

Lately I realized that picking what movie to watch is just like getting into a relationship. It struck me last night when I was torn between what movie to watch (it was Finding Dory and 6 Years) I asked myself what I want to feel at the moment, would I want to feel good and be entertained, just enjoy, or would I want to experience love, the thrill of it, and what is a movie that is worth remembering and watching.

There are different kinds of movies out there. There are these movies which were shown at the 90s, yesterday, and there are these movies which are yet to premiere, some are still on production. These movies are like people who had relationships and yet to experience getting into a relationship. There are movies, which were seen by almost everyone, these are the people who had been into many relationships as they grow old. As years passed by, they got to know people, different stories were shared, and tears were shed. Also, there are movies which are yet to be shown. These are like people who you are yet to know. They may be liked or disliked, they may become one of your favorite movies, or they may be the movie you wished you didn’t watch.

There are people who like a movie, there are people who dislike it. Those who liked it had a good relationship, they matched, they felt a mutual feeling with each other, the duration of their relationship was contenting, and it became their favorite or maybe one of their favorite movies. Those who dislike it, they are the people who didn’t get along well. Their interests are way different. They do not mix well no matter how they tried. They just watch the movie once and they know it’s just over.

Movies come with different genre and plot. I consider the genre as the attributes or the characteristics of the person. The plot is the person’s story. No movie is exactly the same. It explains how people are unique in their own way. We movie goers, pick a movie to watch depending on our liking. Sometimes, it depends on what we want to feel in the moment. Those who prefer to watch a movie depending on their mood are fuckboys and bitches. They do not watch because they love it, they do not really care about the plot, but they watch because they want to feel something temporarily, they do not want to watch the movie again and again until they know all the lines of the lead character, or watch the movie’s sequel next year. There are also people who watch a movie because they love it, they want to experience the characters’ adventure, they want to be thrilled, they want to feel love in different ways possible, they walk out the cinema contented and having no regrets at all. They will remember all the good things they’ve experience watching the movie and will not speak bad against it at all.

They are movies which reminds us good and bad memories, just like people. When someone mentions a movie title, the memory of you watching the movie comes back. All the scenes that you cried, the scenes that you laughed or screamed at come back in your mind. Like in a relationship, when someone mentions the name of your ex-lover, the memories you have shared with him or her comes back haunting you. Good and bad memories all at once.

There are movies that after you have watched it for the first time, you want to watch it again. There are movies that you just watch once. Watching a movie once, is like going to a relationship and after you guys broke up, it’s just over. Maybe you acknowledge the movie when you read it somewhere, but you just don’t want to watch it again. Watching a movie twice, is giving a second chance. Another chance, to make it right, maybe before you didn’t understand the movie but then you’ve decided to watch it again and understand it fully until it became your favorite movie.

Like getting into a relationship, it is not mandatory. It is a choice whether you will get to know a person and become his lover, just like watching a movie you are not forced to watch all of it.

But there is one thing that differs from a movie and a relationship. Relationships are spontaneous, unpredictable. Movies end, after a 3 movie-franchise, you cannot watch it on the cinemas again. All you have left is the memory of it. Relationships last longer than a 2-hour film. What I like about in a relationship is that it is a mixture of movies. It is composed with different scenes from different movies so you feel different emotions in different ways.

Relationships may end like movies but remember, there are still movies out there “coming soon”

The cinemas don’t stop showing movies, like life, it doesn’t stop you from meeting people.

(photo not mine)

#love #movie #relationship #teenage #feels #random #thoughts

// m U S i c //

Christina Grimmie has passed away and it left the social media petrified. Fans were sad because of their idol’s death. Christina died young and beautiful and she obviously doesn’t deserve to die because, she’s talented, she hasn’t been into issues, she’s working on her music well, but it’s just hard to accept a beautiful soul died today.

Her death struck me. i feel sad for her fans, i truly do. She cannot be on a career without the support of her fans. Fans are very essential in a artist’s career because they are the ones pushing the artist to unleash her art onto the world and inspire people.

The artist is also the foundation of the fan. A person is composed of his artists he idolizes. These artists, touched his life, inspired his life, gave him faith, gave them something to hold on, something to appreciate, something to enjoy.

I asked myself, what if my idol died, what would I do? what would my life would be knowing that the albums he/she/they have released cannot be followed by an another single or an album or an EP. The only thing I am left is the music, the memory, the lessons, the feelings they tried to convey and the pictures i have saved.

The fan and the artist makes a mutual bond, and this bond is what makes our life sane--what makes us keep going.

#music #christina grimmie #death #pop #popculture #sad #ph #philippines

/ / S A R B A Y ? E N J O Y K A A Y O B A Y ! / /

This year, it was my first time to join SarBay! Obviously, I was very excited and pumped to attend the annual event in Sarangani Bay. Many people near the Sarangani come over to enjoy and experience what SarBay has to offer. It’s summer and we need to have a break from our tiring routine everyday like waking up, going to work/school, head home, sleep, and the cycle goes all over again. We need to unwind, give ourselves a time to feel relaxed, to be stress-free, and importantly to have fun under the sun!

They have this tagline that goes on every year, “What happens in SarBay, stays in SarBay” but what exactly happens in SarBay?

I’ve round up 3 reasons what actually happens in SarBay. This was based on my experience as a SarBay citizen (that’s what they call it!!)

PARADISE.

They considered SarBay as a paradise. It is truly a paradise because in this place, the natural resources are well kept. The beaches are pretty clean, you cannot see any litter across the shore. The waters are crystal clear, it just shows that people in Sarangani have preserved nature’s gift well.

If you have never been to Sarangani before and you’ve wanted to go to SarBay and experience the fun, the fun actually begins on the road to SarBay. While driving, you can view the ocean from the highway, making you gaze at the beauty of nature that the Sarangans are truly proud of. This just wants you to be more excited to dive in the water and have some fun!

PEOPLE.

People who are attending SarBay comes from various places near the vicinity. They come from GenSan, Davao, Maitum, Marbel, Tacurong, and maybe from Luzon and Visayas. Distance didn’t matter to them as long as they are able to join the big beach party. I knew some poeple who are anticipating this event and they are saving money for it.

There were various SarBay citizens. Some came with their friends, their family, their girlfriend/boyfriends, their classmates from high school who just wanted to have fun and catch-up, some maybe came alone (?? lol idek haha)

So obviously, there were head-turners in the event. Those who were standing 6 feet high, those who have big boobs, those who have ABS (so hawt), those who are pretty faced, and those who have sexy bodies. They just made the event extra hotter!

PARTY.

What is summer without a party? Good tunes, good DJs, good people, and BOOZE.

I enjoyed SarBay by watching people having a good time. Drinking with friends, some were getting quite naughty, some had loud laughs, everyone had great time. Though sun has set, it’s not too late to seize the day. With the right amount of booze to get drunk, people partied like it was the end of the world! We jammed with Franco, and some DJs from *Manila (*DJ Italo came from Brazil). Raving, jumping, shouting, dancing, drinking, the crowd had gone wild! It was the time to forget all the shit in life, to be carefree, to enjoy the night, to create good memories!

My SarBay experience was fun but exhausting. My legs were tired, my vision went hazy, skin got sunburned, my brain cannot process everything my eyes saw,I think my lungs got polluted and the beach, too. All in all, SarBay was an awesome event to wrap up summer and face June with might because it’s back to school for us students. SarBay only comes once in a year and you guys better not miss it. Seriously, LINGAW KAAYO BAY!

#summer #sarbay2016 #sarbay #beach #enjoy #fun #philippines #visitphilippines #choosephilippines #party #rave #nature #dj #edm #travel #travelblog #happiness #youth #ph #asia #visitasia #sarangani #globe #tnt #gensan #blog

// ID(le)K Y //

It warms my heart whenever I see my friends with their girlfriends/boyfriends, go on dates, posting Facebook statuses about their crush who is obviously not gonna like him/her back. I’m happy to see them thrilled, and excited, and contented, and happy. I’m just sad that I never fully feel these things. Be thrilled, at some point, yes. Excited? kinda. Contented and happy? uhmm no. I only feel these things partially all throughout my college life. Maybe some days, I feel these three completely and then the next days I feel just empty. The emptiness stayed with me until this day. IDK Y.

This summer, may daily routine is wake up, take a brunch, do some chores, sit down in front of my computer, eat, back to my computer, sleep. This cycle keeps going and going for days and i’m almost near to be considered as deranged. I’m bored, bored, and bored.

Before, I’m always happy. I always feel complete because someone wants my attention and i wanted attention, too (who doesn’t?) I always pull off a smile at school that never goes away all throughout the day because I’ve been consistently occupied by someone consistently texting me. They say that it’s because of our hormones that we make bad decisions, rush into things, end getting hurt. But this is a part of our phase growing up. We rely on our emotions. We let our emotions cloud the truth, and other important things.

My past relationships are really bad. I never get to be out with them like really confidently out, disregarding everyone who will see us and potentially can spread gossips about us. I wanted that. I wanted to be not kept as a secret. I wanted to be in a relationship where people will not judge us. Is that too much to ask?

So I’ve been flirting with some boys after my last break-up. It’s been 3 months and I’m hoping to find someone to be there for me, to accept me, who can handle me and my crazy life. I had feelings for one boy that went unrequited (DAMN IT STILL HURTS BTW) I did texting, chatting, and other pathetic ways you don’t want to know. Sometimes, I feel that the magic’s lost. The enthusiasm, excitement, thrill in me is just gone.

I’ve been contemplating about this these past nights that i’m just over with it. Maybe not completely over it but I’m just taking a hiatus maybe, to find myself, to be better than myself last year, to give improvements a chance, to explore new things, to know myself better. I’ve been in pain and I need time to heal, to be over with all the shit I’m dealing now and before.

s/o to my soulmate, if it’s really you, wink at me lol

Book Title: Paper Towns Author: John Green Date: May 4, 2016

“Forever is composed of nows.”

Reflection: Margo Roth Spiegelman represented a careless, wild and free teenager who's consumed by her insane thoughts. Travelling. Wanderlust. She is brave and tough to be on her own. Everybody needs to be Margo. Margo knew what she wanted and she knew how to get it. Quentin is determined and has a soft spot in her heart for her friends. The love of friends is tested during the toughest times and Quentin overcame it. The story also taught me about the different views of different people to others. "First impression lasts", they say. But someone's impression blinds him to see the real person in his truest form. Connection: What I like in the story is how they lived their dreams. Their plans became true. The part where Margo and Quentin took a road trip in the middle of the night was pretty fun and exhilarating. Traveling is fun when you're with your friends. because of the book, I already put on my bucket list, "to have a midnight road trip with friends." I also felt connected to Margo somehow. That feeling when you are so full of everything that you just want to leave everything behind and start off with a clean slate in a new city. But in reality, that just don't happen. Whether you like it or not, you are part of a system. You cannot disconnect because of your selfish thoughts because when you do, everything will fall apart. Quentin fell apart. Everything she left behind fell apart. Questions: Why didn't Margo see a psychiatrist? Does Margo encounter some problems with her family before? Predictions: The really thing I’ve waited while reading the novel was Margo being sent to an appointment with a psychiatrist. In All the Bright Places, both Finch and Violet were seeing someone in their school to help them with their problems. The fact that Quentin's parents were both psychologists, they should took the initiative to diagnose Margo to stop her doing insane things. I also feel that Margo had a problem with her parents. Maybe this problem was the root of her wanderings. She wanted to escape her parents to feel at ease.

Part II

15. Pretend this book will be made into a movie. Make a movie poster and put the stars who will play the main characters on it.

"in the night, she dances to relieve the pain"

#theweeknd

//F L A K E R//

These past days, I’m fucked up. I’m fucked up by overthinking about him.

He is my friend but we’re not quite close but we occasionally talk. I like his nose and his presence. I don’t know why he gives me this first-day-of-school-and-i-want-him-to-be-my-best-friend feels during the weekend. I kind of liked it.

He is broken in his bright places but i don’t think he needs saving. I want him to be saved but who am I? It’s just sad to be in his shoes right now and be an outcast or something (he exiled himself lol). People should be treated right. (said by someone who ghosted 3 people in his life!) Thoughts tormented my mind everyday and I lose focus in anything that I do. I always space out because of him. It sucks tbh

He is a familiar face because I’ve seen him at school almost everyday and he wasn’t my interest. I knew some things about him (but I won’t give hints about who is he teehee) I got to know him lately because he has been tagging along with the group.. so yeah.. I kinda like him(?)

I don’t know why I am doing this post but it’s just bugging me out. The feeling i have for him, I kinda want to say it to him and I kinda don’t want to (I don’t even know what exactly i am feeling for him but he makes my heart skip a fucking beat!). I don’t know. I just want to pour this out here and just.. y’know.. carpe the future diems!

(4:56) HIM: Hello (5:07) ME: New phone who dis (5:09) HIM: The one who...

HOLY SHIT! IT’S HIM!

PS if you read this, please don’t be awkward with me.

Book Title: All the Bright Places

Author: Jennifer Niven

Date: April 2, 2016

“where would you go if you could go anywhere?”

Reflection: Theodore Finch’s growth all throughout the story is disappointing. He started as a character with balance and quite strong for he helped Violet overcome her problems. But Finch died at the end of the story. Men are emotionally weak. Their feelings consume them. While on the other hand, women are tough, brave and can withstand problems emotionally. Violet showed it in the novel. She started off weak due to her sister’s death but with Finch’s assistance, she survived the problems she was facing. After Finch’s death, she did not snap.

Connection: The story’s plot was suicide and I was not shocked about it because I’ve been watching a TV series called Skins which tackles different situations of different teens living in Bristol. the word “suicide” also came into my mind when I was on the hellish years of education--high school. Adolescence is at it’s peak and there were many first’s that I’ve encountered and the transition from a kid to a young adult is quite hard for me. But suicide only formed in my mind and magically erased in my system. I never thought of killing myself again because now, i’m smart enough to think what’s right and wrong, and I surround myself with good friends and good vibes. I guess, everybody thought of suicide but some really did it.

Questions: Why did Finch left Violet? What exactly is a “bright place?”

Predictions: Finch left Violet because everything was already planned. ”Is today a good day to die?”, Finch once said this. For me, Finch was already full of everything falling into pieces. He cannot deal with himself and his life anymore. He left Violet because his mission is finished. This girl whom he loved and the girl who loves him, gave her meaning, gave her purpose. But after Violet is back on the camel again, he let go.

A bright place for Theodore Finch and Violet Markey is different. A bright place for Theodore Finch is heaven. All he wanted to do is to go to his bright place because he was so hopeless and empty. Violet’s bright place is where she and Finch made memories--good memories--and stolen moments worth remembering. A place where she could remember Finch. She went to the last four bright places because that is what Finch wanted for her. To find the bright places. To give her something worth remembering, aside her sister’s death. He was trying to fix himself because of her.

Part II

15. Pretend this book will be made into a movie. Make a movie poster and put the stars who will play the main characters on it.

#all the bright places #jennifer niven #theodore finch #finch #theodore #violet markey #violet #markey #nicholas hoult #hannay murray #fanart #fandom #skins #suicide

4 Months After I Came Out

The concept of coming out always scares the shit out of me. I always feel uneasy whenever someone asks about my gender. I don't know but it is a sensitive topic for me. College taught me different things about school and life and opened my eyes into new things which I did not expect I would know and one of this is being true to myself.

Before I came out, I already had intimate relationships and i had crushes on gay guys already. I am living the way I want to. I wear shorts that is for others, too short, I surround myself with many girl friends, I speak gay lingo and my actions are somehow feminine. Maybe these things contributed greatly after I came out because I did not adjust drastically and I did not had problems with my friends and myself. I accepted myself and I loved my life like how it is suppose to.

Truth be told, every gay, bisexual, lesbian, person is afraid of coming out because of their family. Parents play a pivotal role in our lives. In our country where family values is very important, coming out is hard. Also, coming out is hard because Filipinos' are bound by their religion. My family has a strong spiritual faith which I consider as a hindrance for me to be myself. When I came out to my family, I only had small conversations about it. I don't know why but maybe they don't want to talk about it because they are uncomfortable or they don't want to offend me. Last January, i had this conversation with my uncle and my cousins. They asked me about my past relationships, i laughed when we were talking about it. It's funny and awkward. Because they are my family, I should trust them and I should not be afraid of them, so i opened up and they got to know me deeper. We are totally different when we are outside with our friends and when we are with our family. At that moment, I was naked and they saw the real me.

In school, I did not change much. I'm always that noisy gay friend that likes to talk about himself so much, that gay friend who insults a friend, that gay friend who likes to make their friends laugh, and that gay friend who wears shorts in school. After I came out, i still have my friends who are straight and nothing changed. They still love me and respect me. All of my friends are so happy for me after I came out because I will not live in secret anymore.

I think my hobbies affected my process of coming out. I watch many american TV series and some of it has gay characters. I always adored shows that highlight gay characters because it shows me how a gay person live and how to deal with things like bullying and etc. Also, i watch Troye Sivan and Connor Franta on YouTube—both if them are friends and they are gay. Their videos, gave me happiness and inspiration and also, they showed me that being gay is okay. TV series are fictional and some of it may not really happen in real life. YouTube videos by Troye and Connor are more realistic because they are real people and they're videos are based on they're experiences and I believe them more than TV series. Also, I love Troye's songs because they are real and influential and many teenagers who are gay find themselves relating to Troye's songs. These shows and videos of Connor and Troye gave me courage to come out and helped me deal with it after.

Being gay is okay. Coming out is like breaking the chains that bind you from living life to the fullest. Surround yourself with friends that will accept you no matter who you are. Don't worry about your family because they love you and they will accept you—maybe not now, but eventually, they will.

people fucked him so much that he lost something--an essential part of his life, his world--truth.

the truth is that he has been staying up late for how many nights. he is so bored that he slacks off his available time to do something unproductive. so, he end up overthinking about tomorrow, later, a year after. slowly, his demon shows up and tries to pick a fight with him. but he sees the light--inside of someone, inside those broken smiles, inside his broken heart.

the truth is he has having trouble with dealing with everybody. he fakes every sentence, every word he utters, every breath, every emotion and every action. he’s real, and the pain is real, too, but he covers it up for he’s afraid. Afraid because it draws too much attention and because no one just cares about him. he is surrounded with different amazing people that he never thought of. i guess, he hoped for them years ago. he is thankful that he has some people to turn on to when everything is all out of place.

the truth is he doesn’t care. the truth is no one cared for him so much. all he had was screams from his parents, bad luck from the infinite universe, his demons always trying to bring him down to his knees and cry and beg for them to stop.

stop. stopping for him is such a strong compulsive word. it cuts everything, interrupts something that should happen. some nights he would wonder if he stops. can he also stop everything? it’s crazy.

but the thing about him is that he did not stop. he never stopped and he definitely would not stop. i knew him better than anyone. he is strong and independent and he is a survivor.

he is broken in every way, but i don’t know why do i still find his worth.

Book Title: Will Grayson, Will Grayson Author: John Green & David Levithan March 13, 2016

“Love is the most common miracle”

Reflection - I praise Will Grayson #2 for his courage to man up for Tiny. Will started as a damaged, careless character but grew into a responsible, risk-taker for Tiny and Gideon. The other Will Grayson showed how a confused teen lived. This confusion is evident in this generation and I owe John Green & David Levithan for it. The book tells us what are the things that someone would do just for love and why love is such a beautiful thing that happens to a person.

Connection - This book hit my senses. It opened my eyes into the reality of life when you engage into a relationship. I regretted the times that I left my friends for my boyfriend, the chances to make up with them that were lost and the feeling that they felt when I leave them out. After I broke up with my boyfriend, I promised to my friends that I will pick them over anything else. When I was reading the part when Will Grayson #1 felt that Tiny changed a bit because of Will Grayson #2. I feel like I’m in Tiny’s shoes and my friends were in Will Grayson’s. It was a deja vu for me.

Questions - What if the two Will Graysons fell for each other? For me, if someone would talk to me in the middle of the night with the exact name as mine, just to make me feel as ease, I would immediately fall for him. Why did Maura did not confess to Will Grayson that she likes him and she wanted to get close with him and know him better? I think it is better than catfishing.

Predictions - I bet Will Grayson #1 will turn out to be a bisexual if he falls in love with Will Grayson #2. If I was Maura and I will tell to Will Grayson #2 that I want to get close with him, doubts will consume my mind. If I was in Will’s shoes, I would be creep out by the concept of it. I don’t like Maura but she’s my friend. If Maura just tried to tell to Will, maybe Will’s mind will change and Maura will finally have the friend that she wanted

II.

Write a poem using some favorite descriptive words or phrases from your novel.

#will grayson will grayson #teen #john green #david levithan #gay #lovewins #love

“I hope in person you will also not delete my friend request. Gusto nako mubalik sa time na una ta nagchat chat. Kanang happy lang gud. No matter what the topic is, dili awkward kay open kaayo ta sa isa’t isa. Gusto nako magbalik sa time na bisan magtapad lang tag lingkod, happy na kaayo ta. Gusto nako mubalik sa time na first time nimo makipag kiss. Gusto nako mubalik sa time na I should have not said those painful words. Instead, giingon nalang unta nako na, "Baby, we can get over this together". Pero gustuhon man nko, murag dili na man pwede. Kabalo ko tanga kaayo ko kay dili nako gitreasure ang tawo nga nagpafeel sa akoa na special kaayo ko. Tanan na effort ug time gihatag nimo sa akoa pero at the end gipasakitan lang tika. So now, I want to say sorry if you felt that I disowned you, if you felt that I'm not proud of you, and if I wasn't able to introduce you to my friends as my special one. Kaya nga dati nag-ingon ko sa imo sa mahadlok ko masakitan ka. Pero you know what, gi-love man tika. Though I couldn’t shout to whole world na love tika, I want you to know na ikaw ang akoang world. Dili mn mabalik ang dati, I mean kanang the way we treat each other gud, bisan pansinon lng ko nimo, bisan simple smile lang kung magkit-anay ta, ok na ko ato. So right now, I want to reconcile with you. Mahadlok nako makipag-commit, mahadlok nako masakitan tika ulit, mahadlok ko na mawala ang akoang best friend. So for now, I let you decide for yourself. I set you free. Pero no matter what, naa lang ko diri sa imong tapad. Salamat sa time and love na gihatag nimo sa akoa. Dili man ko mawala ah. Sorry I'm getting emotional. Miss na kita.”