Entangled Heartache

Roan and Elijah have a toxic past but after a few years apart they find themselves in each others' lives again, out of neccessity. Roan is stuck in the past, while Elijah is focused on moving foward. Roan is emotional and Elijah is closed off. Can these two make it work? Also on Royal Road and Wattpad

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 40: Roan

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting Elijah to look so angry about his nephew visiting. Then again, we did wake him up from a nap. When I got home from the library, the door to Elijah’s room was open and he was curled up in his bed sleeping soundly. I’d be basking in how cute he looked if it were his day off, but it’s not. And he wasn’t supposed to be home until later that night.

What happened?

My first thought was maybe he was sick. That is, until Elijah’s boss from the bar sent me a message saying she gave him the day off. Telling me he had a rough day, I immediately left to get food. The best way to fix a bad day is with food and alcohol. Instinctually I got Elijah’s favorite food and beer, it seemed like an unspoken promise between us. When one of us had a bad day, we’d bring our favorite food and drinks home then hang out. But this was different, when I got home I was met with the sight of a teenager standing in front of our apartment. He had long curly hair that covered his face, he held his head down as if he was in trouble. I heard a sniffle and saw him wipe his eyes. 

“Hey,” I called out softly. The kid turned quickly facing me, he gave me a dark glare and stood firmly in front of my door.

“I’m just waiting for my uncle,” the kid stared at me. I wanted to smile but held back. He shared the same green eyes as Elijah… and the same dark glare. That look has to be genetic.

“You’re Elijah’s nephew?”

He stared at me with the continued dark glare, all he had to do was bare his teeth to complete the look.

“I’m Elijah’s roommate.” I held up the keys, “I can let you in.” The kid looked at the pizza box and carton of beer I was holding, then shifted his glare back at me. “Haaa… ok kid. I get your hesitation.” I walked past him and unlocked the door. “Elijah was asleep when I got home. I thought the smell of food might wake him up.”

“That’s his favorite pizza,” the kid nearly growled.

“Yeah that was the point,” I furrowed my brows as I unlocked the door and walked through. I set the beer and pizza on the table, when I turned around the kid was still standing in the doorway.

“You’re that guy that Eli got in a fight with?”

“Uh—”

“You are,” the kid’s gaze continued to get darker. “It’s all your fault.”

“What?”

“You! Ugh!” The kid barged into the apartment and closed the door behind him, “why did you even ask him to live with you? Don’t you hate him? If you don’t, why did you get into a fight with him? How do you know that’s his favorite pizza?”

I don’t understand what’s happening.

There was a long pause after his questions. I scratched the back of my neck nervously, “I needed someone to live with and he was the best option. Elijah felt the same. I don’t hate him. We got into a fight in high school because I was a tool and Elijah was putting me in my place. I know his favorite pizza because it’s his favorite thing to eat when he’s tired.”

The kid squinted at me, studying me very carefully. “I’m Nico,” he reached his hand out and we shook.

“Roan,” I nodded.

“Are you dating my uncle?” Nico raised an eyebrow.

“Not yet,” I answered.

Nico frowned, “yet? What the hell does that mean?”

“Meaning, I’m letting Elijah decide when we are dating,” I smiled. 

“You sound like a loser.”

“That’s so mean,” I sighed dramatically. “How can you say that to your future Uncle-In-Law?”

Nico’s face twisted in disgust, “oh. My. God. Stop. I am not listening to you.”

I laughed, “come on. Sit down. Eat some pizza.”

“No thank you,” Nico growled. “You didn’t even get another choice of pizza.”

“Cause it’s for Elijah.”

“You didn’t get anything for yourself?”

“Uh—” I pulled out plates from our cupboards then set them next to the stove. “—I don’t mind white sauce with pineapple,” I lied.

“You’re a freak,” Nico sighed. He dropped his things onto the floor and fell into a chair, “you’re even eating food you don’t like to make Eli happy?”

“What?” I coughed, “who said I don’t like this pizza? Hey, you need to be quiet. Elijah is still sleeping.”

“God, it’s Eli. Don’t call him Elijah.”

“Why not? Elijah is his name.”

“You aren’t allowed to call his name like that!”

“What the hell is going on here?” Elijah asked, emerging from his bedroom.

“Eli he’s—”

“Shut up, Nico,” Elijah rubbed his eyes. “Be nice to Roan.”

I couldn’t hold back a small smile, “are you okay? I thought you were working.”

“I’ll tell you later,” Elijah said flatly with a frown.

“I want to know!” Nico demanded.

“No,” Elijah sighed, pushing Nico into a seat at the table. “Why are you here? Does your mom know?” Nico avoided eye contact with the both of us as he pushed out his bottom lip. Elijah didn’t give a reaction and pulled out his phone, “fine. I’m calling your mom then.”

“No!” Nico cried out.

“Then tell us why you’re here. And why the fuck are you being so rude to Roan?” Elijah glared at Nico who continued to avoid looking back at Elijah.

“Mom told me to break up with my girlfriend,” Nico suddenly buried his face into his hands. “I don’t want to!”

“The girl you got caught having sex with at school?”

There was a moment of silence but I really couldn’t hold back the laughter. Elijah gave me an annoyed expression but Nico was finally smiling with me.

“Ah,” I cleared my throat. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, that girl,” Nico blushed.

“That girl is getting you into trouble so maybe your mom has a point,” Elijah explained calmly.

“You don’t get it! You wouldn’t,” the dark glare Elijah and Nico were sharing made the air around us heavy. “You’ve never cared about anyone like that.” Elijah remained silent but I saw his jaw clench and his eyes didn’t waver from staring at Nico. The longer he remained silent the more uncomfortable Nico got. “Come on,” Nico stared back. “You think everything is meaningless. So don’t act all high and mighty.”

Elijah’s expression shifted, he looked hurt. My heart ached seeing him with that kind of look in his eyes. Elijah finally broke eye contact with Nico and glanced towards me, almost instantly he looked away.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Elijah sighed. He grabbed a bottle of beer, turned around and headed back to his room, “thanks Roan.” 

I haven’t seen him like this since we parted ways.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 39: Elijah

I was lying on my mechanic’s creeper looking up at an engine, listening to the others whisper amongst themselves. Something bad was going to happen today. I can feel it in my bones. I felt someone lightly kick my leg. I pushed myself out from under the car and was met with Benny’s face.

“Mr. Hunt is looking for you,” Benny said flatly. I glanced over to my boss glaring at me from the other side of the garage. I nodded, sat up, then wiped my hands of grease and dirt. I felt the eyes of the other mechanics watching me walk over to his office.

“Mr. Hardolssen,” he said in a low voice. 

“Mr. Hunt, how can I help you?”

“Come in,” he gestured me into his office and closed the door. On top of his desk was a package with no address. I held my hands behind my back and glanced around the office, it was a complete mess. It smelled of old coffee and milk, and scattered around the room was food trash.

How can he work like this?

Mr. Hunt put his fingertips on the package and stared at me, “can you deliver this for me to the Port Auto Shop on the coast?”

“No.”

Mr. Hunt blinked in surprise, “Hah. What? Why?”

I glanced over to the package then back to Mr. Hunt, “are you asking me why?” I raised an eyebrow, “really?”

“As your boss I am giving you an instruction. You need to follow it,” Mr. Hunt frowned.

“No I don’t.”

Mr. Hunt scoffed and rubbed his forehead.

Oh, so now he’s getting it.

“You don’t have a permanent job here Mr. Hardolssen. Do you understand what I’m getting at?”

“Yes.”

“So take this package,” Mr. Hunt growled.

“Yeah… no. I’m not doing that,” I said watching as Mr. Hunt’s face turned bright red.

He takes me for an idiot.

“You little—”

“On the ground!” A police officer yelled. I raised my arms instinctively, then watched as my boss tried to make a run for it. Another officer grabbed him by the back of the collar and threw him against the ground and cuffed him. 

“Who are you?” An officer asked me.

“Elijah Hardolssen.”

The officer pulled my arms down, then behind my back and cuffed me as well. I saw Benny try to run up to the office.

“Wait! Wait! Eli isn’t part of this!” Benny yelled.

The officer looked over at me with a frown, “there’s contraband in this office with him. We need to take him down to the station.”

“Don’t worry about it Benny,” I said firmly.

This isn’t even surprising at this point.

They escorted me to the station with only the sound of their radio to fill the silence during the drive. I couldn’t say I wasn’t nervous. Unfortunately you can’t completely trust the justice system. I need to be prepared for the worst. When we arrived at the station I was taken immediately to an interviewing room. They had me sit down at the table and unlocked my cuffs.

“Would you like to contact anyone?” The officer asked me.

“Melanie Gaver,” I answered. “I can give you her number.”

“Miss Gaver is pretty well-known around these parts,” the officer crossed his arms. “Seems you’re well acquainted with a public defender?”

“Yeah, she’s dating my brother,” I blinked at him.

“Oh, well, we did take a look at your record.” 

“That’s not great,” I frowned.

“No it’s not,” he sighed. “I will call Miss Gaver for you.” He turned around and left the room locking it.

Silence was all around me, I could feel my heart beat in my ears. I’m not sure how long I waited but eventually Melanie showed up in the interview room.

“Oh, Eli. How are you sweetheart?” She asked softly, setting her things down on the table.

“Not great,” I frowned.

“We will get you out of here,” she smiled reassuringly.

“I just happened to be there when my boss got arrested…” I paused. I didn’t want to say it aloud but I needed to, “the asshole was trying to get me to deliver some package for him.”

“That’s okay! Because great news,” Melanie pulled out some papers from her briefcase. “They found no evidence against you so all you need to do is give a statement.”

I tapped the table and Melanie stopped what she was doing, “I want to talk to the lead investigator.” 

Melanie tilted her head, “what? Why?”

“Because I’m tired of people tying me to things like this.”

“Your name is already cleared.”

“Not the police. That asshole who tried to get me to deliver his stupid package,” I glared.

“Oh,” Melanie laughed uncomfortably. She slid over a piece of paper and pen, “I’ll go get him. Write out your statement.” I nodded and she left the room.

I was lucky that the police found no evidence against me. I’m also lucky that this group of cops seem to have a sense of moral justice. The statement didn’t take long to write and speaking to the lead investigator was easy. He already had most of the information I gave him but needed something more important.

A testimony.

There are a number of things that could go wrong if I do that, but I also didn’t want to miss my chance to put that asshole of a boss away for using his business like that. I want to pay him back for all the people he just displaced.

I told the police I’d think about giving a testimony, but I’m completely unsure how safe it would be if I did. Surprisingly no one was home when I got there. Roan must have gone to the library to work.

I forgot to tell him what happened. I left all the lights off as I descended into my room, I wrapped myself up in my blanket and stared at the wall blankly. I felt my phone vibrate, on the screen it read Bridgette.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Where are you?”

I let out a heavy sigh, “fuck… I forgot I worked tonight. I’m sorry.”

“You forgot? What’s going on?”

“I got dragged to the police station today, I had to give a statement and all that,” I rubbed my eyes. 

“Police department? Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’ll talk about it later.”

“Stay home and get some rest, Eli.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I can cover you. Rest up.”

“Thank you, Bridgette.” I heard the other line drop, I let my phone slip out of my hand and onto the floor. I faded into the darkness.

“Dude you are such a loser!” 

My eyes flashed open and I sat up quickly. I could smell food and hear dishes in the kitchen. When I grabbed my phone, the time read 11pm.

“What the…” I whispered to myself. 

“I’m not listening to you!”

The shouting voice sounded familiar. I stepped outside my door and peeked around the corner. In the kitchen was Roan and Nico arguing over the food that sat on the stove. Nico is the eldest son of my sister Cassia. Unlike my other nephews and nieces, Nico is much closer to me in age.

“Be quiet, Elijah is still sleeping,” Roan frowned.

“It’s Eli,” Nico glared. “You aren’t allowed to call him Elijah like that!”

“What the hell is going on?” I asked. Their two eyes were wide and Nico dropped the spoon on the floor.

“Eli! He’s—”

“Shut up Nico,” I rubbed my eyes. “Be nice to Roan.”

“Are you okay?” Roan asked, staring at me intensely. “I thought you were working.”

“I’ll tell you later,” I frowned back at him.

“I want to know!” Nico demanded with a pout.

“No,” I pushed Nico down to sit at the table. “Why are you here?” Nico avoided eye contact with me and pushed out his lower lip.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 38: Elijah

Roan is pretty clingy, he likes it when I sit in his lap while I game, he’ll hold onto my waist tightly and nuzzle his face into my back. I’ve never liked this kind of attention.

But… Roan smells good and this wasn’t as annoying as I thought it would be.

If I was told in high school that this is how Roan is in a relationship. I would have never believed it.

“What’s wrong?” Roan pulled on my cheeks, “you look sad.”

“Sad?” I asked, Roan nodded firmly.

I looked away from Roan. Telling him I was thinking about our fights would only make him feel bad.

“Not really, sad.” I shrugged. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

Roan squeezed my body tightly again and part of me felt guilty. He’s trying so hard and I’m doing nothing.

“Sometimes I think how strange it is that we fought so much in high school,” I explained. Roan remained silent but his grip around me remained.

The last fight we had… it probably replays in his head the way it does in mine.

3 Years Ago

The smell of sweat filled the air in Roan’s room. He had his back to me as he was getting dressed. Roan started working out more when he left for college. It was a nice view. 

“I’ll be back in a month, we can meet up then,” he said in a hollow voice.

“And if I’m seeing someone?” I asked.

He flinched at my question and hesitated, “just tell me then.”

“I don’t think I have to,” I shrugged.

This is all we’ve been. Why should I have to say anything?

“What?” 

“If you don’t hear from me that’s it then?” I stared at him, “right? That’s always been the deal. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Roan looked at me… He was angry and confused. 

Nothing new. 

He looked at the floor, “that’s right. Sorry.”

Why is he apologizing?

“Why are you planning something so far ahead?” 

Roan looked conflicted. Jealousy should be an obvious indicator, but it’s not surprising he doesn’t know that feeling. I doubt it’s something he’s ever felt. 

“I don’t know, force of habit I guess?” He fumbled with his words. I stood up from his bed and pulled on my clothes.

This isn’t fun anymore.

My heart, it ached. 

“Is something wrong?” Roan asked.

I couldn’t look at him, if I did — I’d give in.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

“This is…” I trailed off. “I don’t get why we keep doing this. We don’t like each other. Do this with someone else,” I put on my flannel. 

“Look at me Elijah.”

I kept my back to him, “I’m sick of you.” 

I opened the door and walked out, I heard footsteps following me. Roan grabbed me by the arm, he looked angry and desperate. 

“Seriously?” His eyes suddenly went wide, “why are you acting like such a brat? Saying such pointless things when you’ll just come back to me.”

I felt my heart drop to my stomach.

My mind was blank, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. 

He’s arrogant.

Impatient.

Rude. 

Selfish. 

I shoved him back. Now, I could look him in the eye. His face fell and he looked shocked. Roan looked pale and was trembling.

I can’t keep doing this. 

“I guess you will find out,” I said calmly. I stepped out of his house and sprinted home. I didn’t greet my family. I ran to my room and locked the door. I fell onto the ground. 

My heart was pounding against my chest, my vision was narrowing. I couldn’t catch my breath and tears poured from my eyes. I covered my mouth and let out a quiet cry. 

This shouldn’t hurt. 

We didn’t have anything special. 

I barely even know him, so why does this hurt so badly? 

Present

That fight broke me in ways I can’t explain. After that, I spent the next two years doing manual labour. It never gave me a chance to run back to him.

I’m sure of it now. I’m scared and I don’t want to say it out loud.

“Are you worried I might go back to my old ways?” Roan asked, resting his chin on my shoulder.

“No,” I answered firmly.

That was the truth.

The reality of the situation?

I’m afraid what will happen to me when we break up. Because I don’t think I was built for this so it will happen.

“Hey,” Roan poked my cheek. His eyes looked slightly sad but were carefully watching me. “I’m the one who is supposed to overthink things,” Roan smiled and I returned it.

“Haaa… I guess I’ve been stuck in the past, and I was the one who said to let it go.”

“I’m still really sorry,” Roan mumbled nuzzling into my back again.

“It’s not your fault,” I sighed, patting his head. “Stop beating yourself up.”

“Then you do the same,” Roan squeezed my waist again. “Besides, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

He still doesn’t see it. I could have ended things so much earlier. I knew it was toxic but continued seeing him anyway. That’s just as bad.

I pissed him off and antagonized him on purpose for years.

“We are both at fault,” I said softly. “We both could have been nicer to each other.”

“Elijah,” Roan said my name so softly it made my stomach feel strange. “Look at me.”

When I turned my head, Roan gently grabbed my chin and pulled me in for a soft kiss. It was short but it still left me speechless. Roan rested his chin back on my shoulder and gave me a devious looking smile.

“I can promise you, the past will absolutely not repeat itself,” Roan affirmed. “I’m not sure if you trust me, but I will do everything I can to prove to you I’m serious.”

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 37: Elijah

Working at the garage has been harder than usual. Especially once I noticed that my boss has been making backroom deals with well known drug dealers in the area. This would be my kind of luck, just when things are starting to go well. Focusing on the engine of the car I’m working on was even harder. Every time I’d look over to my boss’s office, the dealers would be talking very closely and quietly with my boss. They aren’t even trying to hide it.

“Christ,” Benny sighed. “Focus.”

“How can I focus when our boss is a dumb piece of shit?” I asked sharply.

“Keep out of it and you’ll be fine,” Benny sighed.

Yeah, right. I get dragged into things all the time.

This kind of thing always happens to me.

Nothing’s changed since high school.

I hate this permanent apathetic expression on my face. People have always assumed I’m angry or intimidating. Freshman year of high school wasn’t entirely bad because Viv and Frankie were still there. Although, because of my bad luck, they both moved to different schools the next year. So, I was left alone in a school full of people that either hated me or were scared of me. 

The students who would approach me were potentially future scum of the Earth. It was tiring being alone so eventually I’d spend time with them during breaks or lunch. Sometimes ditching school in the middle of the day. I was labeled as delinquent by adults then labeled as weirdo-sociopath by my classmates. I didn’t want to correct anyone anymore because it made no difference.  It didn’t matter in the end if I had done something wrong or not. It was always blamed on me.

It was one of those times I got arrested for something I didn’t do. The auto shop would mark the fourth time. 

6 Years Ago, Junior Year of High school 

Roan and I had been hooking up secretly for a few months at this point but we had rarely spoken or acknowledged each other in public. The sex sometimes didn’t feel like it was enough, so the days I’d stay at school, I’d go to the basketball courts on my lunch break and watch Roan play. Out of all the things we’d fight about, this didn’t seem to bother him. Which I found strange. Randomly our eyes would meet, but neither of us would glare or smile. There was no reaction, only our eyes meeting then continuing back to whatever we were doing.

“Eli,” I heard Hank’s voice call out my name. Hank was one of the few acquaintances I made during my time in high school. Out of all of them, he was the worst.

“What’s up?”

“Wanna go smoke?” He gestured as if he was holding an invisible joint to his lips.

I glanced over to Roan who was laughing carelessly with his friends. Yet when I looked back at Hank’s repulsive face I decided to agree. The things Hank and his friends talked about were annoying to listen to. It always revolved around girls, doing and selling drugs. I wasn’t bothered by the drugs or talking about their stupid girl problems. It was selling drugs to other students at school that made me angry. It’s like they already decided this was their life and wanted to bring more people into that dead end.

The smell of smoke unfortunately calmed my nerves, the voices around me would fade, and things would feel peaceful. Even if it was only momentary.

“Bruh,” Hank coughed. “Why’d you get in a fight with that Asian kid? He’s the school's top dog.”

“His name is Roan, get it right,” I replied back sharply. “It’s over and done with, so I don’t see a point in talking about it.” “You’d think you took the beating instead of him,” Hank scoffed. “You beat the literal shit out of him and you won’t even brag?”

“What’s there to brag about?” I rolled my eyes.

Pathetic.

Besides, no one actually won.

“Lemme get an eighth,” an unfamiliar voice said. It looked like a freshman, still baby faced and with a cracked voice. 

“Ye,” Hank nodded. “Twenty bucks.” I watched as Hank and this freshman exchanged money for a small bag. The kid waved and walked back towards the school building.

“Are you selling weed on campus?” I asked, twirling a joint in between my fingers. 

“Please,” Hank scoffed. “More like molly.” 

I narrowed my eyes at him, “look.” I stood up and dusted off my pants, “I love MDMA just as much as the next person but you shouldn’t sell that shit at school.”

Hank smirked at me, “and who are you to boss me around?”

“Bossing you around?” I raised an eyebrow. “I made a friendly suggestion but—” I stood over Hank looking down at him. His eyes widened and he leaned back, “—I could if I wanted to.”

“Seriously?” Hank laughed uncomfortably. “Stop being so scary, I’ll stop.” I watched him lie to my face while everyone else quietly observed us.

“I—”

“Oh man, I thought I smelled reefer!” Alex’s voice shouted out. We turned to see Roan and his friends standing not far from our smoke spot.

“What? Are you guys going to get the teachers?” Hank smirked. “Do it. I don’t care.”

I rolled my eyes, “don’t involve me in this.” I stated, when I tried walking past Roan he grabbed my wrist.

“You’re seriously going to pretend you’re not part of this?” Roan smirked at me. “Maybe you should choose some better friends if you’re going to leave them in the dust like that.”

We stared at each other silently, I let out a sigh, “fine. Go get the teachers. Nothing new for me anyways.” Roan and I held eye contact, “right?” Roan’s smirk disappeared but we were locked in an intense stare.

“What does that mean?” Alex laughed.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “What does it mean?” My eyes shifted back to Roan and he frowned.

“Let’s go,” Roan pulled on Alex’s shirt.

“What the fuck?! Why?!” Alex yelled out.

“Let’s just say, I owe Elijah one,” Roan kept his back to me.

“Ugh,” Alex groaned, pushing Roan away from him. “Fine, whatever. Let’s go. I hate this smell.” Roan and I didn’t look at each other as he walked away. I guess it was a small win that I took the blame for the fight. But using this again against Roan won’t work.

Present

This can’t be happening again.

I’m worried.

If I get pulled into something like this again.

Will Roan believe me?

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 36: Elijah

We haven’t really declared things official between Elijah and I but I still want to take him on dates. Buy him gifts. Spoil him really… but Elijah doesn’t seem the type that would like that kind of thing.

“Hmmm,” I tapped my finger on the club room table.

“What?” Cece asked as I nearly jumped out of my own skin.

“Oh shit! When did you get here?”

“How did you not hear me walk in?” Cece raised an eyebrow while setting down her bag.

“I’ve got…” I paused, staring at Cece carefully. Am I going to get lectured by her like I did with Yoni? “...I’ve got things on my mind. That’s all.” I smiled at her.

Cece’s expression remained unmoved, “liar. You’re totally thinking about Eli.” I frowned as she laughed at me. “I’m assuming Yoni gave you an earful then.”

“Yeah,” I huffed.

“I’m going to meet Eli soon actually,” Cece smiled.

“What? Why?”

“I’m helping out Eli and Benny learn about marketing auto shops,” she explained proudly. 

Why do they want to learn that?

“What about Eli is so stuck on your mind?”

“Uh,” I scratched the back of my head. “I’m trying to figure out how to woo Elijah.” Cece suddenly burst into laughter, clutching her stomach as she fell into the couch. “What the fuck is so funny?” I growled.

“You sound like an old ass man,” Cece continued laughing. “ ‘Woo’ “ she mocked me.

“Old man? I’ll give you an old man! Y-you… y-y-you,” I stumbled and Cece’s laughter grew louder. “You cruel tergagent!” Cece stopped laughing and the look of confusion was plastered across her face. We sat in silence and stared at each other uncomfortably.

“A what?” she asked.

“I don’t even know, I heard Suna use it once,” I sighed and sat back in my seat. 

“Shouldn’t you be all happy and giddy, at home waiting for Eli by the door like a puppy?” Cece asked long-windedly. 

I glared at her, “I don’t do that.”

“I don’t believe that,” Cece smiled. “You’ve got golden retriever energy,” Cece gestured at me.

I’d argue with her but it’s sadly not the first time I’ve heard that.

“Well, I’m not doing that!” I fought back, crossing my arms.

“Don’t beat yourself up. I’m just giving you shit,” Cece patted my arm. “So, what? You need help romancing Eli?” I nodded fiercely. Cece hummed, “well the best person to go to for that would be Viv. Aren’t they childhood friends?”

“I don’t have her number,” I frowned.

Cece opened up her phone then handed it over to me, “you’re lucky I got her number.”

As I typed in the number I asked, “so are you two dating or what?”

Cece looked at me in disgust, “of course not. She is my kindred spirit, it would be the same as liking my own sister. Gross.”

“That’s surprising,” I shrugged. “Viv is your type.”

“Nah,” Cece waved her hand haphazardly. “Viv is a cool person but she’s a wild card. I don’t want to date someone like that.” I finished inputting the number and stared at it blankly. The last person I wanted to talk to was Viv.

“What is it?”

“Viv and I don’t exactly get along. We never have—” I rubbed my face. “—actually. She’s always hated me and my high school friends.”

“I can’t see her hating Kieran,” Cece gave me puppy dog eyes.

“Kieran has always been friends with everyone,” I rolled my eyes.

“Why do you two dislike each other so much?”

I averted my eyes uncomfortably.

“Is it because of the fight?”

“No…”

“TELL ME, ROAN!”

I flinched at her demand, “I don’t know. We never got along, she was rude and loud in school. My friends and I thought we ran the school.”

“Oh, I can see why she disliked you.”

“You can’t see the same for me?”

“Of course not. Arrogance always loses,” Cece let out a sigh. “None of us are who we were in high school so get over it and call her. Eli is worth it.”

She’s right. 

“Thank you, Cece.” I smiled while standing up.

“Any time!” Cece waved her hand at me as she pulled things out of her backpack.

I stepped out listening to the phone ring; I wanted to make a better effort to get along with Viv. I guess this is a good start. 

“Hello?” A groggy voice answered.

“Hey, Viv. It’s Roan,” I tried my hardest not to stumble over my words. “Do you want to eat dinner? It’s on me.” There was a long silence on the phone, “it’s fine—”

“Ugh, okay. I’ll text you a place,” Viv hung up immediately.

At least she agreed to go.

Walking to the Mexican taqueria was long but the smell of salsa made my mouth water. Surprisingly Viv and I seem to have the same taste when it comes to food. I reserved a table, sat down, then shot Viv a message that was there at a table. 

“Well, isn’t it Mr. Roan.” Viv said, walking up to the table. She took a seat at the table and ordered tequila shots.

“I think I found someone to come here with,” I smirked.

“What??” She asked surprised. “People don’t like this place?”

“ ‘Too spicy’ “ I said with air quotes. 

“Weaklings,” Viv laughed. We clinked shot glasses and threw them back. “So why did you want to meet up?”

“I wanted to…” I groaned, hiding my face from Viv. I can’t believe Cece made me this self-conscious about using the word ‘woo.’ “I want to do something Elijah would like. Something that can… move his heart.” I long-windedly explained. Viv didn’t respond with laughter but with a long, blank, and silent stare. “Look, if you don’t wan—”

“I want to help,” Viv cut me off.

“Really?”

“Of course,” Viv smiled. She began picking at her food, “you know. I had a feeling about you two back in high school. I saw the two of you talking all privately at school when I went to get him once,” Viv shrugged. Viv twisted her glass on the table and looked at me slowly, “he really likes you. You don’t need to try so hard. Be yourself.”

What does that even mean when people say it?

“Yeah… but I want to create more new experiences with him. So please help,” I sighed.

Viv looked back at her food then gave me a sneaky smile, “here’s what you do…”

We ordered the spiciest meals on the menu and drank tequila like it was water. As the night progressed, I realized Viv and I have a lot more in common than I thought. Not just food. Viv gave me some pretty solid advice for my first date with Elijah, but I’m still worried he won’t be up for it.

“Dude, I wish I never left high school!” Viv cried out, her face flushed from drinking. “Imagine how much fun we would have had!” She slammed her fists on the table.

I poured her another shot with a smile, “I doubt it. We didn’t like each other.”

“Hey,” Viv poked my arm. “Hey, hey—” she glared at me then held up her shot glass. “— alcohol cures all wounds.”

We clinked glasses and downed the shots. For a split second, it felt like the restaurant’s attention was focused elsewhere.

“What’s going on here?” A familiar voice called out.

Viv’s face lit up, “Eli! What are you doing here?!”

When I turned and Elijah was standing directly behind me with a fierce gaze locked onto mine. I scratched the back on my head nervously just as Elijah rested his hand on top of my head. 

“This one texted me to come get him,” Elijah looked down at me. “Why are you two drinking together?” Elijah raised an eyebrow and his voice seemed dark. I shot Viv a desperate look, she glanced at me then at Elijah.

“We are trying to get along,” Viv shrugged with a smile. “I mean, come on,” she smirked at Elijah who frowned in response. Watching them stare at each other in silence was strange. It was as if they were speaking without words.

“I’m calling you an GUber, Viv.” Elijah sighed, picking us up from the table. “I paid the bill so let’s go.”

The three of us waited outside, listening to Viv ramble about her workplace. Elijah seemed upset, he didn’t speak and completely avoided eye contact with either of us. 

Did I do something wrong?

Walking back to our apartment was extremely awkward. Elijah was obviously pissed off but I don’t know why. He spent the entire walk with a glare and clenching his jaw, while focused on what was ahead of him.

When we finally got home, Elijah immediately went towards his room but I reached out for his wrist. “Where are you going?” I asked sharply, gripping on to his wrist tightly. “What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

Elijah’s glare instantly disappeared when I asked my questions, “what? No.” He frowned, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intent.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Elijah pressed his temples letting out a heavy breath. “I think there’s something going on at my work. Something… illegal.” 

Elijah had a dark look in his eyes as he crossed his arms, “I always get dragged into stupid shit like this.” Elijah sighed hiding his face in his hands, “I can’t go through this again, Roan.”

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 35: Roan

After Elijah and I talked things through, it’s like life just started coming together so effortlessly. My writer’s block disappeared, my schedule for the next semester somehow  aligned perfectly with Elijah’s… and of course, Elijah expressed his interest in me.

I felt myself smile into my hand. I could hear the professor teaching but my mind was filled with Elijah. He didn’t say yes to my feelings but he also didn’t say no. But… the look on his face, really said it all. It felt like the first time I could tell what he was feeling. Worries do surface, but I have faith in what I saw and what I feel.

Elijah needs time and I am more than willing to wait.

“Hey!” I felt someone smack the back of my head.

“Ow! Fuck!” I yelled in response, when I turned I saw Yoni with a beanie almost covering his entire face.

“Dude, you’ve been sitting here since your class ended.”

I looked at my phone… he was right. I’ve been sitting here thinking about Elijah for 15 minutes… “Oh. That’s embarrassing.”

“Yeah right, it’s more annoying than embarrassing.” Yoni crossed his arms, “get up we are going to lunch.” Yoni swiftly turned around, I grabbed my things quickly and followed after him.

“What’s wrong?” I was puzzled by his out-of-norm behavior.

“Nothing,” Yoni replied sharply.

“You’re lying,” I sighed again. “Just tell me.”

“Are you really dating Eli?” Yoni stopped then gave me an angry glare.

I paused, watching him carefully, I’ve seen him mad before but not like this. “Not really…but kind of.”

“What does that even mean?”

“He needs time so I’m giving him that.”

Yoni looked bewildered, “you?” He pointed at me, “giving someone time to figure out their feelings?”

Ah…

“Dude you’re such a manwhore, why would you subject Eli to that?”

“It’s different this time.”

“How?!” Yoni yelled.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so angry?”

“Because I like Eli! He’s a good friend and you have a tendency to get bored of things quickly!” Yoni threw his hands up in the air.

I wanted to defend my feelings for Elijah, but my past wouldn’t give any credit to that.

“Elijah is different, Yoni.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. “He always has been.” I directed back a serious look at Yoni who squinted back at me.

“What do you mean…? Be exact.”

“We didn’t just hate each other… we were kind of hooking up,” I averted my eyes away from Yoni. He stared at me intensely waiting for me to explain the rest. “Things were bad, we fought all the time but we kept hooking up for years. Until my sophomore year of college.”

“Didn’t you date people during that time?”

“Yeah… but I never hooked up with Elijah during that time.” I tried defending myself. Saying it out loud made me realize how much of an asshole I was.

Yoni didn’t say anything but he turned around and kept walking. The good feelings that the day started with, began to be replaced with anxiety. We grabbed our food and sat down at a table, Yoni’s angry expression persisted the entire time.

“I won’t begin to understand what’s going on with you and Eli,” Yoni finally spoke up. “But —” He pulled apart his chopsticks and it made a loud sound, “— if you break his heart, I’ll lose it. Yes, it’s a threat,” Yoni glared at me as he ate.

I sat back in my chair, “we really integrated our friend groups didn’t we?”

“Are you just noticing that? Viv and Cece are essentially best friends now,” Yoni rolled his eyes. “Benny and Kieran. Kiera and Maeve. How are you just noticing this?” Yoni stabbed at his food. “Fuck!” Everyone looked at us.

“I—”

“I don’t meet a lot of people like Eli,” Yoni cut me off and looked down. Picking at his food, “I finally found a friend that understands me…”

I see… There was pain behind his eyes and I didn’t know how to make it go away.

“I’m serious, Yoni.” I said quietly. “Elijah has always been different. All my other relationships felt like I was going through the motions; even before I met him. But with Elijah… I don’t know how to explain it.” I tapped my fork on the table.

“He makes me question everything I do and how I look at things,” I sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I understand him completely—”

At least I thought… but Yoni’s words made me second guess myself.

“—but then I realized I don’t know a thing,” I rambled.

“I don’t think I will ever understand the concept of romantic love,” Yoni sighed. “It sounds exhausting.”

I took a sip of my drink. He’s not wrong. It’s tiring more than most things in life.

“Well, I’ll put some faith in you I guess,” Yoni looked at me. “Because it does seem different this time. But seriously,” Yoni glared. “If you fuck this up, no one will give you a pass.”

I walked home thinking deeply about Yoni’s words. I was so caught up in Elijah’s response, that I forgot an important thing. I don’t deserve him. I’ll just mess everything up again. The sun was setting, but the air was cold and stung my skin.

I opened the door to my apartment, and was hit with the smell of herbs and spices. Elijah was in the kitchen making food. There was cut up onions and garlic on the counter; and a pot of boiling water on the stove.

“Woah,” I let slip out. 

“Hey,” Elijah greeted me.

I wrapped my arms around Elijah’s waist and buried my face into the back of his neck, “hi. It smells really good,”

“What happened?”

“Huh?”

“You seem down,” Elijah commented. I tightened my grasp around him, I don’t want to tell him. “If you don’t want to talk about it right now, you don’t have to.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Okay…” Elijah snickered.

“What?”

“That makes me want to know more,” Elijah spoke with a smirk.

“I guess I’m feeling a little insecure,” I pouted.

Elijah stopped stirring then looked at me, “am I making you feel that way?”

“What? No!” I almost yelled.

Elijah covered my mouth, “are you sure?” I nodded without hesitation. He uncovered my mouth and returned to cooking. “What’s going on then? Maybe I can help.”

I pressed my lips together, “I don’t want to make any mistakes, and have you hate me.”

Elijah stared at me with a blank look, “I don’t think you would do anything to have me hate you.”

Oh.

“I feel stupid,” I sighed.

Elijah pinched my nose, “you’re overthinking again. Don’t spiral on your own, okay? You’re an olympic level jumper to conclusions when you do that.”

We stared at each other for a moment. “I can’t tell if that’s an insult or advice,” I huffed.

Elijah gave me a half smile and casually shrugged, “I’m just stating facts.” Elijah has this way of using logic against people

“How do you do that?” I asked.

“Do what?”

“Looking at things logically. Then speaking so bluntly,” I mumbled.

“It’s why people didn’t like me in school,” he replied casually. “Most people thought I was trying to be mean. I didn’t understand that until more recently—” Elijah paused and added some wine to the sauce. “— I watch what I say more carefully now. Working at the bar really helped.”

Elijah placed a lid on the pots then turned around to face me, “as for looking at things logically. I was taught to take things at face value. That… Patterns matter.” Elijah didn’t break eye contact with me.

“Are you worried?”

“No,” he said flatly.

He’s so confusing.

“Patterns can break,” Elijah smirked.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 34: Elijah

I don’t understand what’s happening between me and Roan.

It’s been a week since Roan and I spoke about his confession. And with the snap of the fingers he became extremely affectionate. Roan went out of his way to take care of me. Every afternoon I was met with coffee and breakfast that Roan would buy or make. 

We didn’t really establish if we were dating or not. I’m not really sure what that’s like anyways. I haven’t been interested in anyone else like this. There’s only been Roan. So, I don’t have a frame of reference.

It’s overwhelming, his affection. I’m not used to it from someone outside my family. It’s satisfying though. How do I reciprocate that? Should I? I didn’t give him an answer.

“Why are you spacing out?” I felt a rolled up magazine hit my back. It was Bridgette.

“You’ve been standing out here for 20 minutes,” Bridgette laughed.

That’s right I was on my ten minute break. I looked at the ground and saw several cigarettes on the ground. Damn, I need to quit this habit. I dropped my cigarette on the ground and stomped it out.

“What’s going on?” Bridgette nudged me and I averted my eyes.

“Nothing,” I frowned.

Bridgette smirked. “Right. Nothing.” I glared at her and she laughed, “tell me what’s going on so you can get back to work. Talking about it will help.”

I leaned against the building, looking at the sky, “Roan and I kind of… got together? But not really. He’s giving me time to figure it out.”

Bridgette smiled, “well congratulations!”

“What do you mean by that?” I stared at her.

She returned my stare with a confused expression. “Well,” she sighed, “nevermind. What’s got you worried then?”

“I’ve never done this kind of thing before. I don’t know what to do,” I shrugged.

“You guys had a previous relationship before living together right?” She smirked. 

“...yeah.”

“It wasn’t great?”

“No.”

“What’s different?”

I looked away from her and felt my cheeks warm, “the boyfriend part.”

“Oh-ho! I see,” Bridgette nodded. “So… it wasn’t a romantic relationship in the past but it is now.”

“I guess. I don’t know.”

“I say go with the flow,” she smiled.

“Right,” I scoffed.

The last time we did that was in high school.

“Oh…” I let out because everything suddenly made sense.

“What?” Bridgette asked.

“I just figured something out,” I rubbed my forehead.

That’s why he’s drawing a line. He even spent all that time thinking about whether he should confess to me.

Roan wants to avoid impulsivity…

“Well, another option is sex,” Bridgette said a little too loud. My anxiety suddenly turned into embarrassment and shock. “What? It’s the thing you guys are good at, right?”

I’m speechless.

“Oh my god,” I groaned. I glared at her, “no.”

I’ll follow Roan’s lead. Because, I don’t know what else to do. He has more experience in this area than I do.

When I got home, all the lights were on and Roan was asleep on the couch. The scene before me was amusing. Roan was lying on his stomach with an arm and leg hanging off the couch. The entire coffee table was covered in papers and books surrounding Roan’s laptop.

He needs to give himself a break.

I pinched Roan’s nose, he groaned and grabbed my hand. His eyes lit up as he woke up, “oh hey. I must have fallen asleep.”

“Looks like it,” I smiled. “Why didn’t you go to bed?”

“I was hoping I could see you,” Roan said softly, holding my hand against his face. My heart began racing as he slid his thumb down my wrist. Roan smirked and I pulled my hand away.

This asshole did that on purpose.

“Y-you know I get home at 3 or 4 in the morning,” I cleared my throat. “And you have early classes. Don’t be dumb,” I poked his forehead.

“When’s your next day off?”

“Next week.”

Roan pouted, “lame...”

I chuckled, “don’t worry. Once I get an official job at the garage I can quit my bartending job.”

Roan sat up quickly, “seriously?!”

I couldn’t hold back a smile, he’s like a puppy. “Yeah, I can even switch to mornings.”

Roan suddenly pulled me onto his lap and pressed his face into my shoulder, “we can spend our days together then.” He hugged me tightly so that I could feel the vibrations of his voice as he spoke. “...I like you.” 

I flinched at his words and could feel him smile. He says that randomly, knowing I react every time.

Roan snuck his hand up my back and pulled me closer to him. His fingertips were cold against my skin as he slid them slowly up my back. Roan is so tired, he’s not even holding back. He nuzzled his face into my neck and inhaled. Roan tightened his grasp around me as he grazed his lips along my neck and my heart fluttered.

God damn it.

Roan turned his head, our eyes met and he was giving me a very fierce gaze. I’m not sure how long we kept eye contact but it felt like days. I know that look all too well, it didn’t matter how many times I saw it; but it made me weak in the knees every time.

Roan then averted his eyes, giving me an embarrassed smile, “I should go to bed, I'm tired.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied flatly.

“Goodnight,” Roan said as he kissed my forehead. 

“Yeah, goodnight,” I replied, watching him run into his room. “Ha…” I looked towards my room.

I know I should follow his pace.

But that kind of pissed me off.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 33: Roan

Christmas went by quickly and the days before New Years felt never ending. Even with all the alone time I’ve gotten, writing has been difficult. It’s not the loudness of the house or the kids trying to get my attention. Every time I tried to focus, my attention drifted off into space; but I wasn’t ready to go back home yet. There was still no word from Elijah and seeing him right now would feel extremely embarrassing. 

The door to my room suddenly swung open, it was Johan.

“<When are you going back home?>” Johan asked in Korean. He leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms, “<you can stay here if you want. But the family and I are going to that ski resort before school starts again.>”

I averted my eyes from him and stared at my desk.

“<I think it’s time for you to go back home,>” Johan sighed. “<You don’t have to but being here alone won’t help.>”

He was right. If anything, it would make this feeling worse.

“<When are you leaving?>” I asked softly, looking back at Johan.

He gave me a tired smile, “<in two days.>”

“<I can head out tomorrow,>” I mumbled looking at the night sky outside my window.

“Haa…” Johan rubbed his temples. “<You can stay as long as you want. I’m not kicking you out. I want to make sure you’re doing okay.>”

“<It’d be better if I did head out early,>” I cleared my throat. “<I can get more work done in the city.>”

“What about Elijah?” Johan suddenly switched to English. 

“...I’m not sure. Who knows if he will even be there when I get back…”

The image of Elijah walking away from me was etched into my mind permanently. Maybe I ran away because I didn’t want to see that again.

Memories of that day had been resurfacing ever since I confessed. The day Elijah and I parted before meeting again was a painful one. I did so many fucked up things but that was the worst.

“ ‘Saying such pointless things when you’ll just come back to me.’ “ I mumbled and felt tears roll down my cheeks.

God, I’m such a terrible person.

Who would wait around for someone who says that?

Damn it… I didn’t realize him not being there could be an option. I only assumed he’d reject me and things would go back to being awkward. Never the possibility of him disappearing again.

Again?

Fuck.

I hit the gas pedal and drove as fast I could to get home.

Please be home.

I didn’t grab my things from the car. I sprinted up to the apartment. I dropped my keys at least three times before the door opened. I looked up and saw Elijah standing above me with a fierce glare. I scrambled to my feet but Elijah grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the apartment.

“What happened? You said you were coming back for New Years.”

I didn’t believe my eyes. Elijah was pouting.

“Uh—”

“I’ve been here since the 26th,” Elijah pressed his lips together and glared at me.

He was waiting for me?

“Why were—”

“Because you just left! You dumb ass!”

There was a twinge in my heart but something about this situation felt satisfying. Elijah sat down on the couch and pressed his hands together covering his mouth. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

“Can you sit down?” Elijah asked me; he looked like he was holding onto hundreds of years of anger. The only thing I wanted to do at that moment was jump out the window and fly away. I hesitantly sat far from Elijah and he watched me do so carefully.

“I want to know the when and why…” Elijah averted his eyes from my direction.

“What do you mean?”

“I want to know when you started to like me and why,” Elijah’s ears began to turn red.

No, wait.

What’s happening?

“Uhm —” I began fidgeting with my fingers.

This is embarrassing.

“I don’t know when those feelings began…”

I watched him but Elijah didn’t respond.

“I can’t put into words why I like you. I just do,” I sighed.

Elijah sat back on the couch, keeping his eyes locked on the rest of the apartment. “Interesting,” he bit the inside of his cheek.

“What’s interesting?” I asked.

Elijah continued to keep his gaze off of me but I could see the wheels in his head turning. Probably picking very carefully which words to say. “I was thinking that too.”

“Do you share the same feelings?” I held back my excitement.

“I…” Elijah rubbed the back of his neck, “…” Elijah covered his eyes, “I’m afraid.”

I held my breath, “of what?”

“The heartache that always comes attached with our relationship.”

I wish I didn’t know what he meant.

“I…” Elijah finally met my gaze. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

I want to promise it won’t but I can’t. The future is full of too many unknowns.

Elijah abruptly jabbed me in my side with his foot.

“What the hell?” I glared at him.

“This is your fault,” he pouted. “It’s always been so easy for you to worm your way into my life… and I’m tired of not knowing why. Or how to handle it.” I slid over towards Elijah and leaned in close to him, watching his face flush brought an immense satisfaction. 

I touched his chin and he finally met my gaze. “Will you be my boyfriend?” I asked warmly. Elijah looked away again but he had no chance to hide his expression. I smiled as I stroked his cheek, he really is hesitant.

I don’t blame him.

“I understand if you need time to figure it out,” I said warmly, pulling away from him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Really?” He asked, his voice almost cracking.

“I won’t be missing my chance this time,” I stated firmly. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to.”

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 32: Elijah

Christmas is my favorite day of the year. Spending time with my favorite people, eating great food, and cozying up with a good book. The warmth from the fireplace running all day and night. Being the youngest of several older siblings means our holidays are massive. Filled with young children playing and laughing. My grandmother starts cooking a week before Christmas and doesn’t stop till New Year’s. It’s impressive for a 90-year-old woman. She would spend each day making cookies, so the house smelled of brown sugar all month.

I sat at the dinner table, surrounded with all my favorite foods but everything felt…

Hollow.

That’s the only word that comes to mind when I try to describe the feeling to myself. I tried keeping up with the conversation. Focusing on the stories my nieces and nephews had to tell me; and listening to my siblings update the family on their lives. One of our traditions was to tell stories about my parents when we ate dessert. Everyone had memories of them but I didn’t. Listening to the stories made my parents sound like fictional characters and trying to remember their faces was hard. 

I’ve never liked this.

I quietly played with my food while everyone else ate.

But I was left alone.

It’s better that way.

I don’t know how to describe this feeling in my chest.

My favorite tradition was staying up till midnight with my grandmother on Christmas Eve. A way we can celebrate Christmas Day together before everyone else is awake. My grandparents’ house was built into a cliff and their backyard was a deck looking over my hometown. It was a small town but looking at the lights made it look like we were staring at the stars. It’s a cold night. It snowed the first few days I was here, the silence made things peaceful before the chaos of the kids. I was wrapped up in several quilts and wore a thick hoodie.

“Here you go,” my grandmother handed me a mug filled with eggnog. Steam exuded from the drink. My grandmother sat down next to me with her own mug.

I took a drink of the eggnog and was immediately hit with the taste of bourbon. “Ugh,” I coughed and shivered. “Shit, Nona.” My grandmother let out a loud laugh, she clinked her mug against mine and raised it. She took a large drink and smiled at me.

“You could have told me there was bourbon in this,” I sighed as warmness spread through my stomach.

“I figured you needed it,” she patted my shoulder.

I know she wants to know what’s going on but she won’t ask. That’s how my family was. If I am upset, they wait for me to come to them. I’m not sure why but I always felt grateful for that.

“I’m sorry, I should have been more talkative earlier…”

“There’s no reason for you to apologize for that, Elias.”

I took another drink of my eggnog and the taste of bourbon seemed to turn warm. Making it easier to drink.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked, staring down at my mug. The warmth was comforting but my heart was still racing. “It might make you disappointed in me.”

“Eli,” my grandmother pinched my nose. “You can’t keep everyone happy at all times. You won’t know if I’m disappointed until you tell me.”

I averted my eyes away from her, “in high school…” I squeezed my eyes shut, “I had a messed up relationship with my current roommate…”

My grandmother remained quiet every time I’d pause.

“We didn’t have a romantic relationship but it was something… else.” I felt my cheeks turn red and l kept avoiding looking at her. “My roommate is the guy I got into a fight with at school.”

When I finally looked over to my grandmother she was giving me a focused gaze, waiting for me to continue.

“When we met up again, we decided to try to become friends — “ I snorted, “and we did.” I played with my thumbs looking back at my mug. I took another drink, “he told me that he liked me. Then left early for the break.”

“Did you say anything back?”

“I didn’t get a chance, but I didn’t have any words in the moment… maybe it was for the best that he left early.”

“And how do you feel?”

I looked back at my hometown. Roan was in town right now. If I had the confidence I’d go see him right now.

I needed answers.

“I’m not sure,” I slumped back in my seat. “How do you know if you feel that way about someone?”

“It’s different for everyone,” my grandmother smiled.

“That doesn’t help,” I smirked. “I haven’t liked anyone like that before…” I sighed. My grandmother didn’t respond but she was giving me a small smile. Like she knew something I didn’t

“Are you going to accept his feelings? It seems you aren’t against it.”

I shrugged, “it might not be a good idea.”

“Why do you think that?”

“We are so different… Roan is so emotional and acts before thinking. Sometimes he is so predictable but then he does things that don’t make sense to me.” I tapped my fingernails against the mug, “I’ve thought this since high school but he feels like a puzzle I can’t figure out. I don’t like it but it’s not enough for me to ignore him.”

My grandmother snorted at my explanation.

“What?”

“Are you sure you aren’t using logic to run away from something that scares you?”

I stared, carefully studying her face, and my grandmother held a smile. As if she was waiting for me to figure it out on my own. “I think… I might go back home the day after Christmas…”

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 31: Roan

Chloe slammed down a diamond ace on the table in front of us, she had a proud smile on her face.  “<Wow, you suck at this oppa,>” Chloe said in Korean. 

“<It’s luck of the draw,>” I glared back.

“<Then your luck sucks!>”

I tapped my finger on the table, she wasn’t wrong. The words still stung nonetheless.

“<Do you want to stop playing?>” Chloe asked with a tilt of the head.

I set down my cards, “<yeah. Thanks.>”

Chloe gathered the cards, I watched her happily shuffle them and cleanly set it on the table. “<Oppa, can I ask you a question?>”

“<Didn’t you already?>” I wheezed watching her react with disgust.

“<Forget it,>” she glared standing up.

“<No, wait — >” I chuckled, pulling her wrist. Chloe sat back down, “<what is it?>”

Chloe then looked conflicted, she set her phone down on the table and shifted where she sat on the floor. “<I want to break up with my boyfriend,>” Chloe sighed.

“<And why’s that?>”

“<I think I like him more than he likes me…>” Chloe’s face was sullen.

I didn’t know what to say.

It’s not something I’ve experienced personally but I’ve been on the receiving end. I’ve watched guys tear themselves apart trying to match my pace. 

“<Maybe breaking up is a good idea then,>” I commented.

“<Shouldn’t you say try harder!?>” Chloe frowned.

“<I don’t know. I’ve never been through that.>”

Chloe gave me a bewildered glare, “WOW. MUST. BE. NICE.”

I shrugged, “<I’ve been on the opposite end. I can’t promise you that he will eventually feel that way back. Why does it have to be him? Why not go after someone who shares the same feelings as you?>” 

I hated the words coming out of my mouth because they felt so contradictory. I heard Chloe snort. When I looked at her, she was smiling.

“<What?>”

“<That sounds so personal,>” Chloe laughed.

“<Why are you laughing?>”

“< ‘Why does it have to be him? Why not go after someone who shares the same feelings as you?’ >” Chloe mocked me. “<It sounds like you’re experiencing it yourself.>”

“<I have no idea what you’re talking about,>” I lied. Someone shouldn’t be this perceptive at such a young age.

“<Don’t worry about it.>”

Chloe leaned forward on the table, resting her chin on her hands. “<Tell me. Maybe I can help,>” Chloe offered with a smile.

I stared back at her in silence, picking at my nails. I doubt a seventeen-year-old could help.

“<Come on!>” Chloe demanded.

I rubbed my forehead, “<fine. Fine. But I’m not looking for advice,” I crossed my arms, “<just listen okay?>”

Chloe nodded fiercely.

I needed something in my hands, so I grabbed the decks of cards and shuffled them in my hands as I spoke. “<When I was in high school, I had… a strange relationship with a guy.>” I stumbled through my words thinking the best way to explain without going too far.

“<It wasn’t a good one. I think we liked each other… but hated each other at the same time,>” I explained quietly. “<We, uh — ended up meeting again more recently — >” Chloe remained silent, staring at me with focused eyes. “<He became my roommate,>” I paused. A sharp pain in my chest made it hard to breathe. “<and we became friends over the — past few months.>” 

Why am I spilling my guts to a teenager?

“<But I kind of — >” I inhaled deeply, “<developed feelings for him.>”

“<Did you confess to him?>”

“<...Yeah>”

“<What’d he say?>”

“<Nothing, I didn’t give him a chance to.>”

“<You ran away?!>” Chloe started hitting my arm. 

“<I didn’t know what else to do!>” I yelled back at her. 

“Ugh!” I fell back onto the floor and covered my face. I heard Chloe scoot over to me, she was looking down at me with a confused expression.

“<What changed?>” She asked.

“<I don’t know…>” we stared at each other blankly. “<What do you think of the whole thing?>”

Chloe leaned back against my bed and tapped her finger on her chin while she hummed.  “<Sounds exhausting to be honest,>” Chloe sighed. “<Well you have a few options… you could wait for his response, ask him to forget you said anything, or just ignore it completely.>” She listed out holding up fingers. 

“<I personally would wait,>” Chloe nodded approvingly to herself.

“<Why?>”

“<People are stupid,>” Chloe growled. “<Asking a friend to forget you confessed them doesn’t make any sense!>” She threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “<There’s no way for someone to forget about it. There’s no way things can just — >” she held up air quotes, “< — go back to normal.>”

She’s not wrong.

“<Ignoring it is an option but…>” she trailed off.

“<But?>”

“<It’s not a nice thing to do,>” she looked away from me.

“<What if he ignores it then?>”

“<Then you would have dodged a bullet,>” Chloe shrugged.

“<So you’re saying I should wait…>”

“<That’s what I’d do.>” 

Chloe came to me for advice and she ended up giving it to me instead. Having your 17 year old niece give you advice on a relationship doesn’t feel that great. I was going to go back to the apartment after Christmas but now I want to stay here as long as I can. Chloe suggested I don’t run away but every time I looked over my messages with Elijah an overwhelming part of me wanted to call him. Tell him I wasn’t going to be back after Christmas. 

But I never did.

I focused on Christmas with my family, hanging around my older siblings made me realize how much I missed my parents and little sister. The last year went by so quickly, I didn’t really process that they’ve been gone for a little over three years.

It became a pattern for myself, Johan, Suna, and Sophia to start drinking after the kids go to bed during this break. Johan would talk about all the drama at the high school he works at. Suna and Sophia were extremely excited about a deal going through within their company. I was able to flex my good grades and progress in my book.

When our conversation began to fade Suna looked directly at me, without hesitation, she asked, “<So how’s your situationship?>” She gave me a smirk.

What the hell? Is she drunk?

“<What are you talking about?>” I asked sharply.

“<Eun-woo, — >” She snorted.

Suna was definitely drunk.

“< — Come on,>” She poured more shots for everyone. “<We are all adults here. What’s going on with your roommate?>”

“<What’s she talking about?>” Johan asked, sipping on a mug of beer.

“<Our little brother is living with an ex!>” Suna blurted out. 

“Sunny!” I exclaimed. I groaned, “<I already told you. It’s never been like that.>”

“That’s such bullshit,” Suna replied in English. She nudged Sophia with her elbow, “it’s that kid who Roan got into a fight with."

“What?” Johan shook his head when he looked at me. “You’re living with Elijah Haroldssen? Why didn’t you say it was him?”

Fuck, I forgot I told him about the confession.

I averted my eyes with a frown plastered across my face.

Here it comes.

“<Aww. Did you two date? Is that why you fought?>” Sophia asked with a warm smile.

Awesome. Not only are they drunk but they can’t even stick to one language.

“<No, I told Eun-Sun noona already that we weren’t ever like that,>” I defended myself. I glared at Suna who was glaring back.

“Ugh,” Suna sat back in her seat. “Fine. Whatever you say little brother.”

I could feel Johan staring at me, he only had curiosity and concern in his eyes. I already told Johan. Suna saw me with Elijah in high school… Might as well tell them.

“<I developed feelings for Elijah and confessed them to him. It’s why I came back so early…>” There was a long pause between all of us. The three exchanged different expressions at each other then looked back at me.

“Oh,” Suna exhaled. A look of guilt was written all over her face. 

It felt like there was a weight off my shoulders.

“<I rambled about everything I felt, then just… ran away.>” I felt a pang in my chest. Every time I think about what happened… A wave of pain washes over me.

I felt Suna’s hand on my shoulder, “<Eun-Woo. It’s okay to be scared.>” I gripped my glass at her words.

Sophia and Johan nodded in agreement. 

“<When you find someone you really care about and love. Romantic or not,>” Sophia said as she held onto Johan’s hand. “<You become overly conscious about the things you say and do because you don’t want to hurt that person.>”

“<Expressing something on that level… of course you’d be anxious and scared,>” Johan sighed.

Those words made me feel justified by my actions but I still felt regretful.

“<What if I stayed?>” I asked them.

Suna pursed her lips, “<that’s not an answer you’ll ever get. ‘What ifs’ are a waste of time.>”

She’s right.

Johan said I did a good thing expressing my feelings.

Chloe suggested waiting for him to respond.

Suna and Sophia assured me it was okay to be scared.

That running away made sense.

I let out a quiet laugh, my siblings looked at me confused, “<I just really didn’t want to talk about it with you guys. Now I feel stupid. I should have said something earlier.>”

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 30: Elijah

Days had passed since Roan revealed his feelings towards me. He stuck to what he said and left that day. There was radio silence on his end; I didn’t know what to say so I did the same. 

No one has ever confessed to me before. 

I don’t know what to feel. 

How to react. 

Or what to think. 

I thought we were finally becoming friends. 

What changed? 

And what happens now?

Over the first days at my grandparents’ house I stewed in these thoughts. I couldn’t get the image of him out of my mind or the sound of his voice breaking.

He seemed so sad. 

Why?

“I don’t expect anything from you.”

What does that even mean?

I needed pros and cons to understand this.

The only pro that comes to mind was Roan being in my life.

That’s it. 

Why?

Shouldn’t there be more?

But…

What if Roan changes his mind?

After what happened in high school… Why would he want to be involved with someone like me?

Didn’t I start this all?

7 Years Ago, Junior Year of High School

Roan had been extra conscious of me that year. He had been staring at me all week.

He won’t say anything. He never does.

But I’m bored.

When I shifted my eyes over to him he was staring at me with a twisted face. I tried not to laugh so I smirked and watched him internally lose it. I grabbed my things to head out of class but was stopped by Roan’s shit friends. Interrogating me for leaving class early.

I needed a smoke.

The students.

The teachers.

The school work.

I don’t understand how everyone else is having so much fun here.

I went to the bathroom first. I hoped if I waited long enough I could sneak out of school while classes were passing. I didn’t hear the door open to the bathroom as I washed my hands, but when I looked in the mirror I saw Roan glaring at me.

“What?”

“Why the fuck do you stare at me all the time?” He asked, taking a step towards me.

“Because you have a nice face?” I asked, glancing around the area.

Does he think I like him or something?

“I have a nice face? That’s all?”

I smirked again, “and what exactly were you thinking?”

Roan took a few more steps towards me. He was now inches away, I even had to look up to meet his gaze.

What is he going to do?

If he hits me. I’m going to hit him back.

“What is wrong with you?” Roan glared.

“Nothing?”

“Stop with that bullshit, three years is long enough.”

“HA!” I laughed. I covered my face, “... oh man.”

“What?!”

“You never said anything, for three years?”

Roan’s face turned bright red. How amusing, I struck a nerve.

“What?” I asked, staring deeply into his eyes. “Did you enjoy the attention?”

“You’re begging to get hit.” I saw Roan clench his fist.

“Why are you saying something now? You could have asked me to stop a long time ago.”

“Would you have?”

I shrugged, “I don’t do it intentionally, so I can’t make that promise.” Roan made another twisted face of confusion. Maybe if I matched his pace, he'd panic and leave. I tilted my head up and watched as his eyes widened, but he never broke eye contact.

“Do you really want me to stop?” I forced a grin, “cause I think you enjoy the attention.”

He suddenly pushed me against the counter and locked lips with me. I wanted him off but I couldn’t budge. I wouldn’t open my mouth for him. He pressed his thumb against my bottom lip until I parted them. But I gave in so easily.

Why’d Roan Lee have to be my first kiss?

I never felt so embarrassed in my entire life.

And before I realized it I was running down the hallway.

Present

I shouldn’t have run away. It only ended up leading to this loop we can’t escape.

Fighting.

Sex.

Momentary peace.

Repeat.

We did that for four years. And he still wants more?

Why?

“Elias?” My grandmother’s voice snapped me back to reality. I saw her giving me a warm smile while setting down a cup of tea. It had herbs floating around the top, slowly circling each other.

“I’m sorry, Nona,” I smiled back. My grandmother sat down next to me, then grasped my hand with both of hers. “I was only thinking about something.”

“Don’t you worry yourself Eli,” she then caressed my face. “I’d like to perform xematiasma for you.”

“I’m okay,” I reassured her. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Exactly,” she smirked, then patted my cheek. My grandmother pinched my nose, “but we are still doing it before you leave. I understand if you don’t want to, but do it for me. It will assure me you will be okay.”

I swatted her hand away and she laughed softly. “You’re a good boy, Elias. Don’t forget that. Okay?” I nodded in return but I felt a pang in my chest.

If I’m such a good person, why did it feel like I ruined everything?

Again?

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 29: Roan

I left for my brother’s house immediately after I confessed to Elijah. I was so in shock with myself that I sat in silence for over an hour. I’ve never been so grateful to my brother for giving me my own room in his house. 

My brother Johan is a nice guy. I know he noticed my behavior but didn’t press me for information. I was lucky enough that it was only Johan that was home. Johan’s wife, Sophia, sometimes reminds me of Elijah. She is more expressive, but they share that trade-mark blunt honesty.

I laid on my bed in the dark. I heard little kid laughter and the voices of Suna and Sophia. I hope they don’t bother me. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and it lit up my room. I stared at the messages Elijah and I exchanged over the months.

We texted each other a lot more than I realized. 

I should have looked at Elijah after everything I said.

I looked over to my desk then opened the drawer. Inside was a double-twist copper bracelet. 

A sharp pain pierced my chest. It was hard to breathe.

Elijah gave me this in high school. He told me his grandpa was teaching him how to work with metal. Elijah said he had too many but I thought that was an excuse. It wasn’t the first time I made the assumption that Elijah liked me. And every time I did, it’d start a fight. 

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I was angry. I rubbed the bracelet with my thumb, staring at the twisted metal. 

The thing I didn’t realize about Elijah in the past, was that he is always honest if you asked him a question. But he wouldn’t say anything unless you asked.

I never asked.

I set the bracelet on the desk gently.

I didn’t deserve it in the first place.

I began picking at my nails.

“<Oppa?>” My niece asked out behind my door.

“<Come in,>” I said in Korean.

“<Hi,>” Chloe greeted me as she peeked through the door.

“<Is dinner ready?>”

“<Not yet,>” Chloe smiled, closing the door behind her. “<Are you okay? Dad said you didn’t look great.>”

“<School has been stressful.>”

Chloe nodded, as a senior in high school she was prepping for college. She understood my stress. I wouldn’t have to explain any further.

Chloe pointed at the bracelet, “<what’s that?>”

“<It’s a gift I got in high school,>” I replied flatly. When I looked over to Chloe she was staring directly at me, she took a few steps towards me. Then stood on her tippy-toes to pat my shoulder.

“<Eun-Woo oppa, my teachers say that stress is always temporary>” she nodded firmly. I smiled at her then ruffled her hair. I hate thinking it but she’s my favorite. “Hey!” She said in English pushing me away from her. “You messed up my hair.”

“<Chaewon,>” I pointed at my nose with a wink. “<What does your mom say?>”

Chloe glared at me, “<Korean only in the house.>”

“<Let’s go to dinner,>” I said pushing her out of my room.

The table was set and the smell of home cooked Korean food made my mouth water. It really has been too long.

Maybe I should visit them more often.

Suna happily fed my youngest niece, Lily, who is only three years old. The rest of us listened to my nephew, Ryan, tell us a crazy story about something that happened at his school. We talked about school, work, and the future. Chloe was planning to be a teacher like my brother and Ryan joined a swim team. Johan was preparing to get his PhD in general education while Suna and Sophia were making major headway in their business together. I expressed my stress publishing my book but was able to brag about my perfect grades. Whenever there was a pause in any conversation, Lily would begin telling us a strange tale. We’d collectively listen and laugh when she’d tell a joke. 

It was nice to think about other things.

The kids were put to bed and Chloe disappeared into her room talking to her boyfriend. I helped Suna clean up the dishes; as we cleaned, the memories of the day began resurfacing. 

There was a throb in my chest and I focused my attention on drying the dishes.

“<Are you okay, Eun-Woo?>” Sophia asked in Korean. There was a moment of silence, I felt the eyes of my siblings on me.

“<I’m okay,>” I answered flatly. They didn’t reply but I had the sense they were attempting to ask me about the truth.

If they ask, should I tell them?

It’s embarrassing how stupid I am.

“<I can finish these,>” Suna said to me quietly. 

“<I’m fine, noona>” I reassured her. “<It’s been a long day. I’m tired.>” As we finished the dishes, I listened to Johan and Suna talk about their plans to visit Korea in the spring. It was a sudden reminder that I was planning to move there.

“< Eun-woo,>” Johan called out. “<We are going to drink together, join us.>”

“Uh —”

“<You don’t get a choice,>” Suna smirked. She walked me over to the table and Sophia put cups of soju for the four of us. I felt a buzz from my pocket and pulled out my phone so fast I almost dropped it on the ground. The screen showed Alex’s name and I put the phone back in my pocket.

What was I expecting?

Sophia pushed the cup to me with a smile, “<are you going to tell us what's going on?>”

I tapped my fingers on the table staring at the cup, I let out a sigh and took a drink. “<I don’t want to talk about it,>” I frowned.

Sophia filled up my cup again, “<why’s that?>”

I stared at my cup because words wouldn’t come up. The moments before I left Elijah at the garage replayed in my head. 

Suna stood up and placed her hand on my shoulder, “<I understand if you’re going through things. But it’s important to spend time with your family. Don’t spend the entire break in your room.>” Suna and Sophia walked to another room, when I looked at Johan he was waiting for me to talk.

“<It’s okay to be worried about something else. Even when you’re with us,>” Johan reassured me. 

I took another drink, then poked at the glass in front of me, “<I told my roommate I had feelings for him. Today. And I don’t know what he’s thinking.>” I sighed rubbing my head, “<then I just ran away.>”

“<It’s better that you said something,>” Johan shrugged. 

“<What?>”

“<When you don’t address feelings, they fester and become toxic over time. What you did is smart.>”

“<Really?>” 

“<Absolutely,>” Johan nodded firmly. His words were comforting, but they didn’t entirely get rid of this feeling. I checked my phone again but Elijah hadn’t reached out.

“<Suna is right,>” I smiled weakly. “<I shouldn’t stay locked up in my room.>”

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 28: Roan

I stared at my transcript in the middle of campus.

How did I get full marks? I don’t want to question it but at the same time… this is strange. I scratched my chin and put the transcript in my backpack.

I haven’t seen Elijah around again, which is better for me. Every time I think about him or see him, I begin feeling guilty.

For the first time Yoni and Cece were going home for Christmas, so the three of us planned to hang out one more time before the next semester started. When I got to the cafe I saw Yoni wave me over, Cece was seated across from him.

“Why do you look so sad?” Yoni gave me a wry face.

“I have no idea what you mean,” I sighed, sitting down at the table.

“Going to your brother’s house again?” Cece asked.

“Yeah,” I said flatly. I could feel Cece and Yoni staring at me, the waitress set down our drinks and walked away. “What?” I asked sharply.

“Why are you being such a brat?” Cece asked, frowning at me.

“If you don’t want to go to your brother’s then stay in town. What’s Eli doing? —” I flinched hearing his name aloud. “Maybe you guys can spend it together?” Yoni suggested.”

“He’s going home too.”

It’s not that I didn’t want to see my family. I knew the entire break I’d be stewing in my own insecurities and anxiety. 

Yet being alone would be even worse.

“I want to go,” I sighed. “I just… have a lot on my mind.”

Cece bit the inside of her cheek, “okay. Take care of yourself.” I nodded and sipped at my drink.

I don’t know what to do.

“How’s Hankkuah going, Yoni?” Cece asked.

“Very fun as usual, I’m excited to see my family,” Yoni bounced up and down happily.

“Did they finally apologize?” I asked.

Yoni hummed while taking a drink of his drink, “kind of. My cousin explained to them what Aro-Ace is. I guess they think it’s better? I don’t care. I want to go see my old home.” 

Hearing that made me smile. I’ve been lucky. Not everyone gets the kind of support I did from their family. Sometimes I wonder how Yoni can let that go so easily.

I don’t think I could.

Our conversation didn’t last very long, Yoni had an early flight. Cece was going to a ski resort with her family this year and had to leave early as well. 

Sometimes when my mind is so full of thoughts — it almost feels empty. So walking home felt nice, the Christmas decorations lined the streets and people were bundled up in warm clothing. I found myself standing at the mailboxes in front of my apartment complex. I shuffled through the junk mail until I saw it.

Elijah’s ASE letter.

Before I even processed what I saw, I was already sprinting my way to Elijah’s work. 

I didn’t want him to wait any longer.

The garage was filled with people when I got there, the anticipation was building up within me. I needed to tell someone.

One of the employees walked up to me wiping his hands, “can I help you?”

“Is Elijah busy? I have something for him.”

“Oh, you must be Roan —”

His co-workers know me by name?

“ — he’s in the middle of something right now but I’ll tell him,” the man pointed behind him.

“Thanks,” I nodded as the man walked away.

“Roan!” Elijah called out before I could even find a seat.

“Hey,” I held up the ASE letter. Elijah’s eyes widened.

Elijah grabbed me by the wrist then pulled me around the corner of the garage to an alley.

Is he mad at me?

“What’s wrong?” I asked nervously.

Elijah gave me a confused expression, “what? Nothing.”

“O-oh,” I scratched the back of my head.

“I want you here when I open it,” Elijah stared at me and I felt my cheeks warm. “You helped me so much, you should see the results with me.” He smiled warmly and it felt like someone shot an arrow through my heart. He opened the letter but his face didn’t reflect any emotion as he read the letter.

What does it say?

“I passed! I wouldn’t have done this well without your help,” Elijah hugged me tightly. “Thank you, Eun-Woo.”

The sound of the garage faded.

His arms were still right around me.

I couldn’t breathe.

My past words echoed in my mind.

“Saying such pointless things when you’ll just come back to me.”

It hurts.

I wanted to be happy for Elijah.

I wanted to congratulate him.

This isn’t about me.

Why am I not saying anything?

Why am I not reacting?

Is he noticing?

“Ro —” Elijah began.

“I like you.”

The words felt loud.

I couldn’t look at him.

He didn’t say my name.

He didn’t say anything.

I didn’t want him to.

“I —” I inhaled deeply trying to calm my nerves. “I’m not sure when this feeling began, but I can’t pretend this is just friendship anymore.” Words kept running from my mouth, “And I don’t think that’s going away. All I can think about is how much I hurt you… I don’t want to do that to you anymore.” 

I exhaled, holding back tears. “I don’t expect anything from you. I just needed to tell you.” I played with my fingernails. “I think I’m going to go to my brother’s early.” I swallowed. “We can… talk after New Years.”

Before I gave him a chance to reply, I walked away.

Elijah didn’t call out to me or follow me.

I didn’t expect him to.

I didn’t back then.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 27: Roan

The last two weeks have sucked.

Between studying and writing all day long, I don’t get to see Elijah as often. When I finally get home at night, Elijah is already at work. The apartment is quiet and not seeing him in the afternoon felt strange. 

I know it’s temporary, keeping my perfect GPA and Elijah passing his ASE was more important. 

It still sucked.

Honestly, most of my anxiety stemmed from how distracted I’ve been thinking about Elijah. 

I can’t admit it yet.

At least I was smart enough to keep up with the coursework. The apartment was dead silent and dark when I got home. I wasn’t sure if I felt glum or just tired. I dropped my things on the ground and fell onto the couch.

Maybe it was both.

There was a dull pain coming from the right side of my head, it made my head feel heavy.

“Fuck…” I mumbled, my ears began to ring.

A migraine.

I sat up and another sharp pain up my right temple, putting piercing pressure behind my eyes. I began my pre-migraine ritual. Things that wouldn’t make my head feel worse. Cold water, some food, and painkillers. My bedroom door seemed like it was miles away and my vision was beginning to tunnel. I stumbled my way back to the couch and laid down.

My migraine only got worse as the hours passed, but moving hurt and my ears were ringing. 

I need caffeine.

The light from my phone was blinding, it was so difficult keeping my eyes open. But I need someone to help me. I remember texting, I was sure it was Yoni; but as soon as I hit send my pain began all over again. 

I’ve had many migraines, this might be among the top three of the worst ones I’ve had. My eyes kept closing and opening. All I could do was hold my head. I suddenly felt something warm on my shoulder but I couldn’t let go of my head.

It must be Yoni.

“It hurts,” I exhaled.

I felt something cold on the back of my head then finally looked up, it was Elijah standing over me with an energy drink in one hand and bag in another.

“Drink this,” Elijah said quietly. “Don’t sip it.” I opened the can and began drinking, Elijah watched me carefully until I finished it. “Have you eaten?” Elijah asked.

“...yeah,” I replied with a nod. I rested my head back into my hands. “Did Yoni send you?”

Elijah paused, “no. You sent me a message asking for an energy drink.”

He’s taking care of me again. I listened to Elijah walk into the kitchen putting things away in our fridge, then sat on the floor in front of me.

“It must be bad,” he said. Elijah was speaking so softly and quietly. Why?

The pressure behind my eyes and the ringing in my ears caused tears to build up. I sniffled, “fuck this hurts so bad.”

“Do you want help getting to your room?”

I shook my head, “I don’t want to stand up.”

“I put an ice pack in the freezer, that will help.”

I peeked over at him. It was subtle, but there was concern in his eyes.

“Have you had migraines before?” I asked him.

“When I was little,” Elijah leaned against the couch. “I don’t remember what the pain is like but I remember what to do to help with it.” He pressed the back of his hand against my forehead. “When the ice pack is frozen I need to head back to work, but I’ll stay till then.”

I didn’t know what to say. And he didn’t look at me expecting a response. The coldness of his hand felt good against my head. I felt my body relax, my eyes suddenly felt heavy. The next thing I knew, Elijah was placing an ice pack on the right side of my head.

“I need to leave,” Elijah sighed. “Call me if it gets worse okay?”

“... okay.”

He squeezed my nose, “do it. Let me help, you stubborn ass.” We both smiled and he quietly left the apartment.

I woke up with a blanket over me. I didn’t remember grabbing it. One of the nice things about my migraines: once they are over, I feel remarkably refreshed. The day was brighter, sounds were clearer, and the air felt crisp. Going through the day felt effortless. My mind lingered on Elijah all day. It was strange how good he is at taking care of someone.

I envy those that have experienced it before. My chest tightened as high school memories began to resurface.

But I pushed it into the back of my mind again.

I felt my phone vibrate, Elijah had texted me. Telling me to take the day off and eat pizza with him before he had to leave for work. For the first time, I wanted to lie to him and tell him I was busy. I don’t understand what I’m feeling right now. Or how to interrupt what happened last night.

But I couldn’t lie to him.

I didn’t even hesitate sending the message.

I was immediately hit with the smell of pizza when I entered my apartment. Elijah had laid out two boxes, plates, and had cans of soda sitting on the kitchen table.

“Well?” Elijah asked with an enthusiastic smile.

“What?” I laughed while placing my stuff in the living room.

Elijah narrowed his eyes at me, “don’t you feel better?”

I blinked, “yeah?”

“Then pizza is a good reward right?” 

I chuckled, “why would I reward myself for feeling better?” We sat at our table and pulled slices onto our plates.

“Migraines aren’t something to take so lightly,” Elijah replied flatly. “When the pain is gone, it’s only right to treat yourself.” He shrugged.

“Is that something you’d do when you had them?”

“Yeah,” Elijah smiled slightly, “I’m being honest. It helps.”

Reward myself for suffering through a migraine?

That’s a first.

“Do you get them from stress?” Elijah asked.

“I’m not sure, I haven’t paid attention to what happens before they start. What about you?”

“I get migraines when I don’t wear my reading glasses.”

I coughed then took a drink of my soda, “you have reading glasses?”

“Yeah?” Elijah looked at me like I was crazy. “Why is that so surprising?”

That’s true, I don’t know anyone else that reads as much as Elijah.

“It’s hard imagining you with glasses,” I explained.

I want to see him with glasses…

“Maybe you should get some,” Elijah smirked.

“Are you saying I’m old?”

“I’m just saying,” Elijah shrugged with a smug smile. “That could be a factor considering how much you —“ Elijah held up fingers as he listed, “ — read, write, spend time on the computer, and game.”

“Why are you being an ass?” I leaned back in my seat smiling back at him.

“It’s one of the easiest ways to get you to laugh,” Elijah shrugged.

He wasn’t wrong.

Elijah didn’t stay long, once we finished eating he ran off to the auto shop.

What I’m feeling isn’t friendship.

I got to my room and sat at my desk, there was a picture of me, Alex, Kieran and our friend Frankie. Those memories began to resurface again, but this time I couldn’t avoid them.

We were such assholes to Elijah.

I don’t deserve his kindness.

I never did.

Fuck.

I slammed the picture frame on my desk.

“Fuck me,” I sighed then let out a depressing laugh. 

I’ve been feeling contrite…

Because I like him.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 26: Roan

I was standing at my front door, staring at it like I was a stranger. Cassia was in our apartment alone right now; we didn’t get to talk when we met. I had a hunch… That Cassia was getting a feel for me. I opened the door to find Cassia sitting on the ground in front of the coffee table in our living room. She turned her head to me and smiled warmly but didn’t stop typing on her laptop

“Well, hello, Roan,” Cassia greeted me.

“Hi, Cassia,” I greeted back nervously.

“I told you, you can call me Cassie,” she said leaning back against the couch. She smacked the ground next to her, “come take a seat.”

“Ha-ha…” I wanted to crawl out of my skin and live underground. “...okay.”

I took a seat next to her, her laptop screen was covered in code. 

“I thought you were a stay at home mom,” I let slip without thinking. “Oh, I’m sorry. I—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cassia smiled reassuringly. “I get contracted to create security systems, but I am a stay at home mom for the most part.”

“Oh, that’s so cool!” I exclaimed ecstatically looking at her screen. I’ve never seen something like this before.

“Eli tells me you’re an author.”

“A—aspiring author,” I laughed uncomfortably.

“Aspiring?” She stopped typing and looked at me, “didn’t you already publish a book?” She tapped her finger on her chin, humming, “ ‘Grey Hunt’? Right? That’s your book?”

“Oh, did Elijah tell you about it?”

“Kind of? Eli and our grandma read your book together,” Cassia explained. “They are giant bookworms.”

I felt my cheeks warm at the thought of Elijah suggesting my book to his family. I noticed Cassia smiling at me; it was strange, her smile. It felt like I was transparent.

“I noticed that,” I smiled. “I’ve never seen someone with so many books.”

Cassia let out a laugh, “you should see his room back at home. It looks like a library.”

“He has more?”

“The ones he brought, he hasn’t read yet. Can you imagine?!” Cassia asked in disbelief, we both smiled and started chuckling.

“You’re very different from Eli,” Cassia said gently. “After everything in high school, I thought you two would never get involved with each other again. The way you guys fought… it looked like you two hated each other.”

I know we didn’t get along but… we were each other’s first for many things. We were tangled up for five years then… 

He disappeared. No word. No explanation.

Just… gone.

Was it so easy for him to cut me off like that?

I scoffed, am I wasting my time thinking about this?

Maybe he doesn't care. 

Maybe he never cared.

Fuck.

This shouldn’t bother me so much. I need to stop.

“What is it?” Cassia asked.

“Oh,” I cleared my throat. “Sometimes I forget that happened.”

What a load of bullshit.

Cassia smirked, “that’s good then.”

Although they had different temperaments. It seemed Cassia and Elijah could look at someone like they knew what the other person was thinking.

Is that a family trait?

Or is Elijah right and I’m that easy to read?

That can’t be true.

Can it?

“I can see why Eli likes you so much,” Cassia pinched my cheeks, “you’re so adorable. You have an older sister, don’t you?” Cassia asked with a smile.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I can just tell,” Cassia shrugged.

“She’s not much younger than you.”

“Is that so? Interesting,” Cassia continued with the same smile she’s had since I arrived.

“You are the exact opposite of Eli,” I said without thinking.

“We get that a lot,” she shrugged casually.

“But coincidentally exactly the same,” I pursed my lips.

Cassia tilted her head curiously, “that’s a first… Well, a first from outside our family.”

“He’s introverted and you’re extroverted,” I tilted back and forth where I sat. “But you two are perceptive and honest to a fault.”

I’ve tried to surround myself with people who are brutally honest. The things they say might hurt sometimes, but it’s never out of malice.

That kind of honesty made me feel secure.

So being around Cassia was making me nervous for a different reason. Not a good one.

Cassia giggled, “they don’t make men like you anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“Kind, respectful, generous, and friendly,” Cassia paused. She held my gaze, “and patient.” 

Cassia stood from her seat and closed her laptop. “I don’t trust a lot of people with my brother. He might come off cool and collected but that boy is more emotional than you think. His heart can break so easily, so he stays within his comfort zone.”

“Okay…” I trailed off. I didn’t know how to respond to that. 

“He doesn’t stay where he doesn’t feel safe,” Cassia smiled.

Safe.

So he trusts me?

The thought hit harder than I expected

It felt good — knowing he feels safe around me, but it didn’t put my anxiety at ease.

I think it’s time to face the reality of this feeling.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 25: Elijah

On the third Saturday of every month I’d go to my storage unit down the street from our apartment. There was only one thing inside — my motorcycle. It was warmer today, in a few hours Cassia would finally make it to town and I wouldn’t have time to do this later. I unlocked the roll-up door, revealing my motorcycle covered by grey cloth. Inside the unit was a single creeper and a box full of tools.

I always look forward to this day of the month. It felt like a reward for working so hard all month. I very carefully pulled the cover off my bike and the black paint reflected from the sunlight. Recently, I replaced the leather on the seat. It was starting to look like a completely new Yamaha cruiser.

It’s been nine years since I got ownership of the motorcycle. My brother owned it originally but let it sit in my grandparents' garage for years. I was 14 when I started taking care of it. I never asked for it. I just started maintaining it, and eventually my family decided it made more sense under my care. 

It wasn’t sentimental.

It was practical.

Checking tire pressure, oil levels, and the battery was muscle memory. It felt similar to highway hypnosis; once I started, I was suddenly done. 

I don’t use it as much now that I’m in the city. I miss riding it. Keeping it stored makes more sense.

Money being the main one.

I grabbed the EarPods from my pocket, listening to music while polishing my bike has become the new norm. Roan is partly to blame, he is always playing music when he does things at home. Playing games, reading, or writing. He plays music.

Not that it’s bad. It’s just new for me.

I opened the messages between Roan and me. He recently sent me a playlist, I haven’t been sure when I would listen to it but this would be the best time. I polished my bike with a microfiber towel, listening to the low ambient tracks. There were moments when I’d lose myself to the music and focus on the melody. It wasn’t surprising, the songs he picked. Roan’s taste was interesting considering his personality. Mostly classical, acoustic, and lo-fi — everything in between.

The music stopped when I got a call from my sister, Cassia. 

“Hey,” I answered.

“Hello, Eli,” Cassia replied warmly. I didn’t have to see her to know she was smiling.

“I got to your apartment a little early. Where are you? I knocked on the door but no one answered.”

“Roan is in class right now, I’m taking care of my bike at the storage unit.”

“I’ll come get you, text me the address. Love you baby brother!” 

“Love you too.” 

Cassia was already parked near the sidewalk when I walked out of the storage unit.

“Eli!” Cassia called out from her car window; she was driving a large SUV. As I buckled my seatbelt I saw catcher equipment in the backseat. 

“Oh, is Ana still playing softball?” I asked.

“Yep, she is planning to make varsity next year.”

“How’s Nico?”

“Ugh, that boy will be the death of me.”

“What happened?”

“He got caught with a girl at school,” Cassia frowned.

“In what way?” I smirked. 

“Shut up, I’m not saying it out loud. This is what I get for having him so young,” she huffed.

“So what’s the plan today?”

“First — ” she pointed at me “ — we are fixing this issue right here.” She pointed at my clothing.

“What?”

“Eli, your clothes look like shit,” Cassia shook her head. “I’m buying you new clothes.”

“Why? I have my own money. Besides, when did you become so generous with spending?”

“Okay, first of all, you’re paying me back by letting me stay at your place and everything else we do while I’m here. Second, if you don’t take these new clothes I will trash everything you have at home while you’re at work.”

I scoffed, “no you won’t”

Cassia smirked, raising her eyebrows, “try me.”

“Why is this so important to you?”

“Because I’ve been dressing you for years, it’s been too long. Look at your current clothes anyways.”

Almost all my clothes had holes in them, even one of the soles in my shoes was falling apart. “Ugh, fine,” I gave in. Rolling my eyes I said, “nothing crazy, please.”

“Of course,” Cassia agreed.

Shopping with Cassia felt endless, I don’t care what I wear. She should have just sent me clothes through the mail. When we got to the shoe store, I saw a pair of Verse shoes that were completely black. The classics were black and white but Roan only ever wore the complete black ones.

“Want those?” Cassia asked me as she tried on different sneakers.

“No…” I tilted my head looking at the structure of the shoes. Their bottoms didn’t have an arch.

That can’t be good for your feet long-term.

“Roan wears these,” I turned to look at her. “They don’t have good support though.”

Cassia snorted, “you sound like an old man.”

I smiled, thinking about Roan wearing the same kind of shoes since high school. I wonder if he wore these before high school. I felt a lingering gaze. When I put the shoes back I noticed my sister was staring at me with a small smile.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head. “Did you find anything you like?”

“I want boots,” I stated flatly. If she’s going to buy me stuff, I might as well take advantage and get the boots I want. 

“You and your boots,” Cassia rolled her eyes.

After shopping we headed to an old movie theater; since I was a kid Cassia and I would watch old films. We both loved the sound of the projector and the old stories that used such poetic dialogue. During the movie my sister would quietly give me fun facts about the production of the film. Cassia could recognize all the actors, notice if there was a writer for another film we’ve seen, and notice the difference between directors.

It’s such useless knowledge but I love that about her.

I quietly laughed to myself while we walked out of the theater. I wonder if Roan would enjoy old films. He’d probably fall asleep.

“What is it?” Cassia asked with a smile.

“Nothing,” I said warmly. “Just a funny thought.”

After dinner we took a walk downtown, Cassia was determined to find a fried dessert cart. 

It’s been 20 minutes with no luck.

“I thought this would be easier,” Cassia sighed.

“You came too early in the year,” I shrugged. “We can keep walking.”

As we continued I felt a vibration from my pocket, the screen read a new message from Roan. Without a second thought I grinned, all he was doing was telling me to have fun with my sister. But it was the emoji he sent — a dog giving a thumbs up — that made me grin.

“What’s funny?”

I showed the message to my sister, “look at this dumb emoji.”

“Aw, it’s cute. You are so mean, calling it dumb,” Cassia frowned. She suddenly leaned into me and locked arms, “you seem very happy. I haven’t seen you smile this much since you were a cute little kid.”

“That’s because things are great right now,” I grinned. “I’m feeling confident about the ASE coming up, I’m close to meeting my required hours as a mentee, I’ve got a great roommate, and made a lot of new friends. What’s there not to be happy about?”

“Keep at it,” she grabbed my chin and shook my head, “I’m proud of you for working so hard.”

“Me too,” I smiled.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4

[entangledheartache]

Chapter 24: Roan

His eyes were focused and fierce as he stared at the glass in the middle of the table. Carefully holding the quarter between his thumb and index finger. A sudden downpour of rain kept Elijah and I inside, passing time with stupid games.

We ended up deciding on quarters. Elijah bounced the quarter on the table and it landed perfectly in the glass.

“Haha!”

“How do you keep doing that?” I huffed.

“Maybe you just suck,” Elijah smiled happily.

“God, you’re so mean,” I grinned. 

“What’s next?” 

“I’m not even sure,” Elijah sighed, looking outside. The sun had already set but the sound of raindrops never ended.

“Are you going to see your family for Christmas?”

Elijah glanced over to me, “yeah. My grandparents host it every year. My parents used to host it until they passed away.” He shrugged while taking a drink of his beer. “But I don’t remember it.”

I stiffened in my seat. 

I had no idea.

Words escaped me. How do I respond to something like that?

Yet, my anxiety faded when I saw Elijah giving me a small smile.

“You don’t need to feel bad, it was a long time ago,” Elijah poured more beer into a glass. “My grandparents taught me growing up that my parents would want us to be happy. Not dwell on their deaths.”

“I — “ 

How do I even ask this without sounding like a dick?

Elijah patiently waited for me to finish my sentence while taking another drink of beer.

“— I had no idea.” I rubbed my temples uncomfortably and I could feel my cheeks warm.

“Well, no one ever talked about it at school,” Elijah shrugged indifferently. Elijah glanced over the kitchen with a mischievous smile, “mostly everyone. I took care of the rest.”

“That’s why you fought those guys?”

“Fuck yeah,” Elijah frowned. “Even if it wasn’t me they were talking about, I'd still make the same decision. I have no regrets,” he explained casually.

“Considering how scared everyone was of you; I’m surprised people even attempted to mess with you.”

“Okay, so what about you? For the holidays,” Elijah changed the conversation.

“My sister and I are going to my older brother’s house. My parents are spending Christmas in Denmark for…” I trailed off as I saw Elijah’s eyes go wide. “... some reason.”

“For some reason?” Elijah suddenly glared at me, “have you seen pictures of Denmark during Christmas? It looks beautiful,” Elijah grabbed his phone and frantically searched for a picture online showing me excitedly.

This is… very cute…

He was right though. The sky, lights, snow, and buildings made the entire city look like Santa’s workshop. I could see why my parents would want to spend time there.

“Can I ask why your parents are traveling?” Elijah asked curiously.

“They travel to random places; take pictures and write about what they see and experience,” I explained. “My youngest sister joined them — “ I smiled, “ — I told her to take pictures for me. I can send them to you too.”

“That’d be amazing,” Elijah said happily. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off when his phone started vibrating in my hand.

Across the screen it read ‘Cassie.’

It suddenly felt like I had a tight grasp around my heart.

This can’t be happening.

“It says, Cassie,” I said quietly, handing the phone to him.

Elijah snatched it out of my hand and answered it quickly, “hey Cassie.”

I couldn’t hear the other words on her end but watching Elijah smile like that talking to someone else, put me in a shitty mood.

“I’ll be right back,” he said to me then disappearing into his room. An annoyance built up in me when I heard laughter come from his room. 

Maybe because he’s getting drunk? I heard his door open and close so I readjusted myself in my seat and turned to look at him as he entered the kitchen.

“Sorry, my sister called,” Elijah sighed, sitting back down.

Oh.

This isn’t good.

“She asked if she could stay over this weekend, is that okay?”

I stared at the table then forced myself to look at him,“of course. You don’t have to ask for permission.”

Elijah hummed looking at the ceiling, “she could have gotten a hotel but my sister is… she’s a miser.”

“A miser?”

“She hates spending money on frivolous things, going to a motel when I live in the city is pointless to her,” he clarified. 

“Suna is more than willing to spend money on a hotel, but she'd rather stay here so she can be nosy.”

Elijah snorted, “she’s funny.”

“She’s a headache,” I sighed, resting my elbows on the table. “Unlike my sweet baby sister,” I chuckled to myself.

“Older siblings are like that,” Elijah grinned at me, “especially when you’re the youngest.”

“You’re the youngest?”

“Yeah.”

I clasped my hands over my mouth in fake shock, “everything makes so much sense now.” Elijah wasn’t amused and gave me a pouty glare. It was impossible not to laugh at his reaction. “So… I get to meet your sister? If she’s staying the weekend, I’ll get to.”

I have never been so excited for something in my life.

Elijah rolled his eyes, “yeah but be prepared for a lot of questions. She’s a talker.”

Elijah stood from his seat gathering the empty beer bottles, I smiled watching him. It sounds like they are complete opposites.

This might be fun.

Updates: Tuesdays through Saturdays @ 6pm UTC -4