The Long & Winding Road

“No mother is ever, completely, a child's idea of what a mother should be, and I suppose it works the other way around as well.” ― Margaret Atwood

[onlylivinboy]

Cunningham yeah, that was the bastard! He-

His grandmother started going off about how gorgeous and talented and trouble he was, and Gabriel turned to SHRIEK into the coach pillow.

She could probably hear it.

“That guy is not my friend!” He lifted his head with a gasp. “He’s- he, he got everyone in danger because he wouldn’t listen to common sense,

He’s monopolizing Darcy’s time. And everyone’s just- handing him sensitive info like he’s not our hostage,

and he calls me sludgeboy!”

Like, god!

And he wouldn’t wear a shirt that covers his arms, and and and,

“and he’s so like, British, Moira.

we can’t like, just let him come in here. Start taking over I mean wh-whwhhggh??”

[eolchaire]

Moira stopped in her tracks, lowering the phone thinking the shriek was coming from some animal in the woods and not her grandson. She frowned.

"Why is he..." interrupted by more outrage, Moira resumed her walking again, momentarily lowering her phone again as she looked around where she was, the young man's voice going on and on as she put the phone back against her ear.

"Don't be xenophobic, Gabriel." she chided. "He's not the King of England.

And if everyone's talking to him about business that is confidential, and Darcy likes him, why is that so bad?" she couldn't understand, honestly.

"Have you talked to him? Have you tried getting to know him? I know you don't like change, love, but I fear you will have to find ways to cope with that."

[onlylivinboy]

He missed them too.

It made him smile warmly to be thought of, and made a mental note to see if he could book some kind of ticket out for Irish Mother’s Day this year- since he always remembered the wrong one when it came to her.

“Okay.” He exhaled.

Hear him out now. He splayed out his hands in front of him even though she wasn’t there to see.

“So there’s this guy, supposedly like- famous Brit chef.” He didn’t know, he’d never heard of him. “Andrew Cunningman?” Maybe she knew.

“But he’s making everything weird, he’s like- taking up all of Darcy’s time and that’s not right.

I feel like, like we’ve been infiltrated.”

He huffed.

“Gotta get rid of him.”

[eolchaire]

Moira was all ears as she walked through the trees.

A lad? Ooh, Gabriel was always up to trouble with these lads, she hoped he had learned from the last time.

"Andrew Cunninham?" Moira perked up. "Oh he's gorgeous, that man is. He's only a world famous chef! Granted, got himself in some trouble I think, a few years ago. I didn't know if he was still alive.

What, you saying he's a... friend of yours?" wink wink. "Why would you want to get rid of him?"

[onlylivinboy]

Immediately he brightened at the sound of her voice. He’d missed her lots, and the time they’d been able to share at Magni’s farmhouse.

He’d been glad to be able to go to Ireland and visit, but still. It wasn’t the same as living in a that same house.

“-i’m good, i’m good.” He grinned, plopping down onto the couch. “was just like, thinking of you and Henry, wanted to say hi.

And like, get your read on something.”

[eolchaire]

"Ooh! How sweet of you. Well we both miss you very much.

So, what's the craic?"

[onlylivinboy]

[INCOMING CALL..]

This was getting out of hand.

Time to consult with his grandmother.

@eolchaire

[eolchaire]

"Gaibrial! Hello, love! How are you?"

Moira's cheerful voice was slightly out of breath as she trekked along the forest for her daily walk.

[doctorjulie]

Julia rested her chin on her hands, listening to the recounting of the life of a friend. It sounded like Bernadette was a force to be reckoned with, from the beginning.

She could picture a young Moira’s admiration.

She found herself grinning fondly through the sliding glass window at the telling of their love. How familiar was that?

“She sounds spirited.” She shifted in her seat, running her hand over her side at some light cramping. “Did you keep her out of trouble?” Julia crinkled her nose in amusement.

“Or did you get into it together?”

[eolchaire]

"I tried to be the responsible one.. But that was boring." she smiled. "We got each other into equal amount of trouble, I'd say." and getting each other out of it too.

"You know, we were just a couple of young girls taking on the world. Oh- Hold on, I have a few pictures around here.." she suddenly disappeared out of frame to return a few minutes after to hold up a picture of herself and Bernadette in their school uniforms. Another one with a group of friends - this one including Tristan, during a night out, grimacing and posing ridiculously. She pointed him out with her finger.

"That's Joshua's father. Tristan. And, there's Bernie. Bernadette." she clarified.

[doctorjulie]

“Could you tell me about her?”

Josh didn’t like talking about it, as good of an idea as she thought it was. And, it felt important.

Part of this family now. Part of knowing him.

Who better to tell, than Moira?

“Bernadette. I’d love to learn about her. Who she was.”

@eolchaire

[eolchaire]

Curiosity caught her wanting to know why, but wanting to tell someone about her best friend was a great need she always suddenly remembered.

She smiled gently, then more widely.

"She was... Oh, the best." she started, a fondness in her voice. "We were like sisters. Always getting into trouble. Well, her more than me." of course.

"She was tough, Bernie. Stubborn when she wanted to make a point. Never stood down from a fight when the other person was being a right dope." Moira chuckled.

"I take it Joshua hasn't told you much. Well, he was too young to remember her... What would you like to know?"

[doctorjulie]

Julia’s lips spread into a smile, the audio on the video call ruffled as the palm trees behind her pulled sideways with the breeze.

She plugged in her earphones to better listen to Moira’s sharing of the woman. Tough and stubborn. Never stood down from a fight.

Hm. She smiled, glancing in through the glass balcony door as she was reminded of someone, and looked back to Moira when she asked.

“No, he hasn’t.” She confirmed. “Even what he knows.. it’s not easy to talk about.” She felt for him.

“How did you meet her? Do you have a first memory?” She asked curiously. “How did she meet, Josh’s dad?”

[eolchaire]

Moira's smile faded, a knowing nod at the statement. She couldn't even bring herself to imagine what it must have been like.

"Oh," a more animated Moira adjusted in her seat. "We met at school! I remember.. We were sitting next to each other in assembly, and there were these lads sitting behind us. Mind you, we didn't know each other then, but these boys were trying to rile us up —kicking our seats and tapping our shoulders. And she stood up in the middle of the headmaster's speech or something, and told them off! Right then and there, like, 'did your mam not tell you it's rude!? Is she here? Let me tell her!'" she made the voice to resemble a seven year old Bernadette, laughing after.

"Tristan.." she sighed, amusement on her face. "They met at a party when we were at uni. He was head over heels for her the moment they locked eyes." she chuckled.

"She wasn't sure at first, but he, was. There were times when I didn't think they'd make it. Arguments and finding it difficult to mesh their future plans together. But they loved each other, so much. And in the end...well, you know." the romance and dating and marriage and expecting a child.

[doctorjulie]

“Could you tell me about her?”

Josh didn’t like talking about it, as good of an idea as she thought it was. And, it felt important.

Part of this family now. Part of knowing him.

Who better to tell, than Moira?

“Bernadette. I’d love to learn about her. Who she was.”

@eolchaire

[eolchaire]

Curiosity caught her wanting to know why, but wanting to tell someone about her best friend was a great need she always suddenly remembered.

She smiled gently, then more widely.

"She was... Oh, the best." she started, a fondness in her voice. "We were like sisters. Always getting into trouble. Well, her more than me." of course.

"She was tough, Bernie. Stubborn when she wanted to make a point. Never stood down from a fight when the other person was being a right dope." Moira chuckled.

"I take it Joshua hasn't told you much. Well, he was too young to remember her... What would you like to know?"

[eolchaire]

"—It was my idea."

Suddenly the mother spoke up, firm voice yet still.. haunted.

"I asked, Henry to get him in." everyone had a choice and this was hers. "He wouldn't speak to me. I didn't know where he was. And the times he did call was to ask for money..." with the pretense that it was for school literature that she knew she had given to him to spend on drugs. But once she pulled the breaks on it, she stopped.

Don't call me if you're only going to ask for money again.

"I thought, he would be safe there."

@doctorjulie

[doctorjulie]

She's worried, but reassured in the moment that Josh accepts the touch, holds her hand. She squeezes it back, like willing some of her own resolve into him.

Even if he can't speak right now, he's making no move to ask her to stop, and she takes that as his blessing.

And she's sorry, because she didn't want to spoil a nice meal together, with her in-laws. Doesn't want to sour the relationship, but it occurs to her as she listens to Henry how used to winning this, he seems to be.

Moira was in his corner, but who was in Josh's?

"...You did what you could, with what you knew how to at the time." She nodded slowly, trying to show her understanding of his point.

And then, Moira.

And for a moment, it shocks Julia. That she watches the mother, searching her eyes. Someone who had been afraid, who had been desperate for help for her son.

Who hadn't known what else to do.

"And you did too." She nodded slowly, wanting to empathize with that, wanting to show them that she did. But all the same.

defend until my dying breath.

"...You did what you thought was right, to save him." She looked between Moira and Henry. "I don't think anyone could fault you for that."

But.

She looked back at Henry. "You've never apologized?

Not for the ways, it hurt him?" She asked. "He was in pain, and then he was.. working in blood and horror, and didn't learn another way to live. He'll, carry memories that wake him screaming.

Was it any wonder he'd go back to numbing himself?

Who wouldn't?"

She squeezed his hand tightly. i love you.

"Have you ever thought to tell him.. you were sorry, for the ways that your help hurt him?"

[rxctifier]

What he thought he heard, someone coming to understand what had been done and why, soon proved to be more of finding who was at fault. Who to blame. And that, Henry was not going to be pinned down with.

"Apologize?" a light furrow of his brow as he tried to understand Julia, leaning forward as he looked over at Josh who was sitting so still he might as well be trying to dissolve into the air.

"All the hurt he did was onto himself, by himself. What hurt did I possibly offer him?" blood and horror. Another look between the two, then

at Moira.

Hesitation from his end as to how much to speak of it, but he would not sit here and be judged by the choice he made that had anything to do with the path Joshua had decided for himself.

"I was not the one who sent him there. Blood and horror, you say. But whose was it? Not by my doing, no." he shook his head slowly. "He chose it for himself.

Why, would you ask yourself, would a green lab tech with no clearance to be out in the field suddenly find himself in the midst of all this blood and horror? Well, I think, you should ask him, that."

Another glance at Moira who had her hands in front of her face, looking down at her plate.

"—I presume you haven't told the story, or she wouldn't be here with false accusations." another counter towards Joshua.

@doctorjulie

[doctorjulie]

Julia watched Henry's eyes search Josh, and then Moira, hidden behind her hands.

The story?

The story of.. blood and horror, and a green lab tech with no clearance, out in the field? No. She didn't know that story. And she stilled a little bit, feeling like whatever it was was.. a touched nerve.

Somewhere near the heart of whatever this was, and she took a careful breath. "...Have I accused you of something false?" She asked, a light furrow of her brow.

She scooted a little forward in her seat.

"Henry," Because they'd gotten off on the wrong foot, because she had come into this strong. Easily casting judgement on the man who would hire someone young, vulnerable and alone in the world.

And her own ideas about SHIELD.

"I'm not saying I have any doubt, that Josh has made his own choices. And mistakes. I would never say that."

She squeezed his hand.

"And I'm not saying you weren't doing the best you could, to keep him safe." She paused. "People make mistakes."

You're so used to winning this. Do you know, there doesn't need to be a winner?

"A green lab-tech. At twenty-two, a country away from his only family and with a history of substance abuse issues. Suspended from school and under investigation. In the field." That's what he'd said, wasn't it?

Who sent him there?

"Should he have been there?" She asked gently. "You have a part to play. Choices you made.

Was that, an error in your judgment?"

[fuascailt]

The story? The story of whom? Of the people he had a hand in destroying? There was not a hint of him listening even though that question pulled the air out of him. Controlling his mask as always. If you don't show them how much it hurts, they can't use it against you.

substance abuse

suspended from school

should he have been there?

Dead.

He should've been dead.

Why them and why not you?

[rxctifier]

An error in your judgement-

"—I will not be analyzed over a dinner party, especially by someone who wasn't there, who didn't know the stakes, who-" he breathed out through his nose.

"It was out of my hands." he finally said, factually and.. regrettably. His pointed gaze moved from Julia to rest on the person this was about.

"You weren't supposed to be on the field. And yet, you found yourself there. Why?" tell me again so I understand, what were you doing breaking protocol?

"And then you asked for a transfer. And got accepted, without my knowledge or.. blessing." he wasn't sure what hurt the most.

"I never got a straight answer from you."

[doctorjulie]

She put her hands up in front of her, palms out to show him she’d come in peace. “….Henry, I’m not accusing you. And I’m not analyzing you, I’m trying to understand.”

Turning her head to see her Josh, she could tell right away Henry wasn’t going to get far looking for a straight answer from him now. At least, not a good one.

Julia looked back to the older man, pulling in her lower lip.

“It must’ve been horrible. Worrying like that.”

Didn’t she understand that part at least?

“And if your effort to save him worked, but ended up with him in a place that would break him..

Isn’t that worth apologizing for?” She asked.

“So you can be around each other, without him ducking his head and waiting for more admonishment?

What would be the harm??” That part she was really struggling to understand.

“If you did your best and he still got hurt.

Where’s the harm in telling him you’re sorry?”

[fuascailt]

[doctorjulie]

Julia looks up when she feels him release her hand, feeling her stomach sink with worry and a twinge of regret. She watches him retreat, and would like to go after him,

only more often than not in moments like this, that would do the opposite of help. He'd feel safer alone.

She looked back over at Henry, pulling in her lower lip and giving her head a soft shake.

"He's scared of you.

These- things, that you use against him, make him scared of you.

Is that what you want?" She asked, a helplessness in her voice, like trying to plead with him. Or Moira, his mother, would she stay hidden behind her hands.

"Why does it have to be all his fault?" She looked between. "If there's a share of responsibility to be taken, to keep him from being crushed under it..

Why won't you do that??"

She chokes up, embarrassingly. And she's still looking to the parents for some kind of an answer to how this could be, how Josh had started off alone in the world,

for so long,

and then again?

[rxctifier]

Why his fault? Why not. Why not purposeful?

"...because he wants it to be." the somber realization he came to years ago, when all hope seemed to have seeped out of that young man. Whatever hope he had left.

"He didn't take that job to further his career." he explained gently now, however just as factual as before. Ready to deliver more truths, he glanced at where Joshua had disappeared to, faltering.

"I don't want him to be afraid of me." he frowned. "But I never set out to be a role model. Nor a father figure. The things I taught him were to keep him alive within the organization, alone, without having to trust anyone else. Because when you do.." those close colleagues turned out to be the enemy.

"There was no need for him to stay for as long as he did. He could have moved on. Changed paths. Our deal was that he would finish his degree while he worked there." and what happened?

"—I'm angry, for the position he put me in. I vouched for him and then he let me down. He let that agent's family down. He let himself down.

And it was my responsibility to keep him safe." where was his apology?

[doctorjulie]

But you are! She wanted to scream. But you are, you are, you are! Can you not see how he waits for your every word, how carefully he guards himself watching you, how badly he needs to protect himself from your disappointment? You're a father figure to a fatherless boy whether you like it or not, and you flaut it. You break his heart.

He let that agent's family down. He let himself down.

He let that agent's family down.

Someone died.

When Josh had been sent into the field.

When I say you go, you go. She remembered that was his condition. That he couldn't focus on what he needed to do, if he was too worried for someone he cared about.

"It was your responsibility to keep him safe." She echoed quietly, wiping her tears, she watched the older man. "And in spite of your best efforts.." She tried to surmise.

"You fell short."

A shake of her head. "Must've broken your heart." How couldn't it? "If you cared about him, then.. it must've really hurt." She breathed, giving a couple of small nods.

"Have you ever told him that?"

[rxctifier]

Hands folded over each other, the handler sat in that chair when he wished to be somewhere else. But he doesn't move away, looks over to his wife who has leaned back in her chair with that sad look on her face that somehow only her son could bring forth.

"No... I haven't." he relented, one hand coming to rest on Moira's lap. The mother holds onto tightly with both of hers.

"I failed to keep him safe. To keep Moira's son safe. And he kept pushing me away, until I was just another.. name in a list of people whose lives were better off away from him."

But he kept surveillance on him. How couldn't he?

"He never rescinded his stance. So I went along with it."

[doctorjulie]

She held her breath, closing her eyes just a moment to hear something that just felt a little more sincere than all the defenses had been.

All the self-protection.

Remind her of someone? You bet.

He never rescinded his stance. So I went along with it.

I thought because he wouldn’t fight for it, it meant he didn’t want it.

“What if… he never thought to rescind his stance, because he saw you going along with it?

And thought, you wanted it that way?”

If you’re very small, and the world’s first lesson to you is that it is big, and cruel, and will take— when do you learn to fight for what’s important to you?

“If he wanted it different.

And what he needed, was for you to be the first one to take the step to cross..” She sighed. “That, divide. To be more to each other.

Could you do that?

Would, you?”

A pause.

“Because I think, out of all the family of his I’ve met. You might understand each other the best.

And I apologize, but.” She didn’t think she was wrong.

“I think maybe you’d both like a chance at that.”

[rxctifier]

The father-figure let out a sigh to lean back in his chair, his gaze on the woman with tears in her eyes.

"I can see why he took a liking to you." she reminded him of Anne. With a squeeze of Moira's hand, he rose to his feet to step out the same way Josh had gone.

[doctorjulie]

Julia feels… she doesn’t know what to feel, watching Henry go. Hope, maybe? A bit drained, mostly.

She sniffed, grimaced at the pang of a cramp in her side, holding the side of her bump as it faded away. She looked up at Moira.

“I overstepped.”

She blinked a few times, taking a sip of juice. “I know I did. I get carried away..”

She glanced over to where Henry was walking.

“I just, think they can have it. Better, than this.”

She rubbed her palm against her forehead, feeling a tension headache coming on. “They’re so damn similar, aren’t they?”

[eolchaire]

A tired smile directed at her daughter in law, a light chuckle.

"I've told him the same thing.

I didn't realize, until about a year into our rekindling. How much my son had adopted from Henry. It's to be expected, isn't it. He practically raised him. For better or worse."

She looked down at her lap, then up again.

"He's not a bad man. But he took it hard, when Anne died. He was one of her handlers. And then.." she fell silent, giving a weak shrug.

"I know you meant well. A good partner would do anything for their loved one." but, "Don't ever put him on the spot like that again without knowing the whole truth." she suggested, warned, pleaded. "Some things aren't for us to know."

With another tired smile, she rose to her feet. "I'll help you clear the cache table." and proceeded to do just that.

[doctorjulie]

And then..

“anne.” she spoke softly, the name.

A ghost that had been lingering here far longer than Julia had. Some things aren’t for us to know.

She heard the warning, didn’t know if she could make a promise, but she nodded to show she took it to heart. “I… don’t think he’s a bad man.” Truthfully she didn’t know if he was a good man either.

But that was the point maybe. She didn’t know.

What she knew was, “I hate seeing him shrink like that. Josh. Even at the wedding, he just…

You know?”

How could she stand by?

And then.. she went all attack dog mode. And Josh was driven further into himself. And Henry.. Well, she didn’t know.

“No, no. Please don’t, you’re a guest. I’ve got it.” Julia rose to her feet with a stifled grunt, help from pushing down against the table. “I work in a kitchen, what’s a few plates.” A strained smile.

She worked delicately gathering up utensils, like the fallen quiet was something fragile to avoid splashing into with clacks and clangs.

Her brow furrowed tightly, and her dissatisfaction at her train of thought broke her of that goal, though.

“…I did my high horse thing.” A grimace of realization. “I’m, the new one.

It’s the first time I’ve seen you all together… and I acted like I had all the answers to make them better.” Fuck. Now she wanted to rip her own face skin off.

“Josh would be the first to tell you about the high horse therapist-speak.” Goddd. “I just hated seeing Josh so downtrodden and then my.. targets, they just locked on the source.

Plus talking about kids, and parents and it just-“ Her hand absently on her stomach again. She couldn’t blame the hormones, not entirely, but oh were they jetfuel to just that kind of fire.

“And I didn’t even think I could be hurting him.

Or Josh.”

She’d been too busy being sure she was right.

“I owe them an apology.” A glance up at the mother for confirmation. “I owe Henry an apology.”

[eolchaire]

A soft smile turned towards the young mother, reaching out with a hand to place on their arm.

"It's not easy. Being part of this family. Sometimes it feels... Saner to push it aside." how many times could you revisit the same trauma over and over? "What is a night terror here and there when you live a good life?

— I know, it's not healthy. But that's the way Henry has managed his life. And try as I might to get him to talk.. It's in the past. We have a whole future together."

Think of the good things ahead, right?

"I don't know.. Maybe you'll find a cure." stubborn and kind hearted. She had her head on straight. Just what Josh needed.

[eolchaire]

"—It was my idea."

Suddenly the mother spoke up, firm voice yet still.. haunted.

"I asked, Henry to get him in." everyone had a choice and this was hers. "He wouldn't speak to me. I didn't know where he was. And the times he did call was to ask for money..." with the pretense that it was for school literature that she knew she had given to him to spend on drugs. But once she pulled the breaks on it, she stopped.

Don't call me if you're only going to ask for money again.

"I thought, he would be safe there."

@doctorjulie

[doctorjulie]

She's worried, but reassured in the moment that Josh accepts the touch, holds her hand. She squeezes it back, like willing some of her own resolve into him.

Even if he can't speak right now, he's making no move to ask her to stop, and she takes that as his blessing.

And she's sorry, because she didn't want to spoil a nice meal together, with her in-laws. Doesn't want to sour the relationship, but it occurs to her as she listens to Henry how used to winning this, he seems to be.

Moira was in his corner, but who was in Josh's?

"...You did what you could, with what you knew how to at the time." She nodded slowly, trying to show her understanding of his point.

And then, Moira.

And for a moment, it shocks Julia. That she watches the mother, searching her eyes. Someone who had been afraid, who had been desperate for help for her son.

Who hadn't known what else to do.

"And you did too." She nodded slowly, wanting to empathize with that, wanting to show them that she did. But all the same.

defend until my dying breath.

"...You did what you thought was right, to save him." She looked between Moira and Henry. "I don't think anyone could fault you for that."

But.

She looked back at Henry. "You've never apologized?

Not for the ways, it hurt him?" She asked. "He was in pain, and then he was.. working in blood and horror, and didn't learn another way to live. He'll, carry memories that wake him screaming.

Was it any wonder he'd go back to numbing himself?

Who wouldn't?"

She squeezed his hand tightly. i love you.

"Have you ever thought to tell him.. you were sorry, for the ways that your help hurt him?"

[rxctifier]

What he thought he heard, someone coming to understand what had been done and why, soon proved to be more of finding who was at fault. Who to blame. And that, Henry was not going to be pinned down with.

"Apologize?" a light furrow of his brow as he tried to understand Julia, leaning forward as he looked over at Josh who was sitting so still he might as well be trying to dissolve into the air.

"All the hurt he did was onto himself, by himself. What hurt did I possibly offer him?" blood and horror. Another look between the two, then

at Moira.

Hesitation from his end as to how much to speak of it, but he would not sit here and be judged by the choice he made that had anything to do with the path Joshua had decided for himself.

"I was not the one who sent him there. Blood and horror, you say. But whose was it? Not by my doing, no." he shook his head slowly. "He chose it for himself.

Why, would you ask yourself, would a green lab tech with no clearance to be out in the field suddenly find himself in the midst of all this blood and horror? Well, I think, you should ask him, that."

Another glance at Moira who had her hands in front of her face, looking down at her plate.

"—I presume you haven't told the story, or she wouldn't be here with false accusations." another counter towards Joshua.

@doctorjulie

[doctorjulie]

Julia watched Henry's eyes search Josh, and then Moira, hidden behind her hands.

The story?

The story of.. blood and horror, and a green lab tech with no clearance, out in the field? No. She didn't know that story. And she stilled a little bit, feeling like whatever it was was.. a touched nerve.

Somewhere near the heart of whatever this was, and she took a careful breath. "...Have I accused you of something false?" She asked, a light furrow of her brow.

She scooted a little forward in her seat.

"Henry," Because they'd gotten off on the wrong foot, because she had come into this strong. Easily casting judgement on the man who would hire someone young, vulnerable and alone in the world.

And her own ideas about SHIELD.

"I'm not saying I have any doubt, that Josh has made his own choices. And mistakes. I would never say that."

She squeezed his hand.

"And I'm not saying you weren't doing the best you could, to keep him safe." She paused. "People make mistakes."

You're so used to winning this. Do you know, there doesn't need to be a winner?

"A green lab-tech. At twenty-two, a country away from his only family and with a history of substance abuse issues. Suspended from school and under investigation. In the field." That's what he'd said, wasn't it?

Who sent him there?

"Should he have been there?" She asked gently. "You have a part to play. Choices you made.

Was that, an error in your judgment?"

[fuascailt]

The story? The story of whom? Of the people he had a hand in destroying? There was not a hint of him listening even though that question pulled the air out of him. Controlling his mask as always. If you don't show them how much it hurts, they can't use it against you.

substance abuse

suspended from school

should he have been there?

Dead.

He should've been dead.

Why them and why not you?

[rxctifier]

An error in your judgement-

"—I will not be analyzed over a dinner party, especially by someone who wasn't there, who didn't know the stakes, who-" he breathed out through his nose.

"It was out of my hands." he finally said, factually and.. regrettably. His pointed gaze moved from Julia to rest on the person this was about.

"You weren't supposed to be on the field. And yet, you found yourself there. Why?" tell me again so I understand, what were you doing breaking protocol?

"And then you asked for a transfer. And got accepted, without my knowledge or.. blessing." he wasn't sure what hurt the most.

"I never got a straight answer from you."

[doctorjulie]

She put her hands up in front of her, palms out to show him she’d come in peace. “….Henry, I’m not accusing you. And I’m not analyzing you, I’m trying to understand.”

Turning her head to see her Josh, she could tell right away Henry wasn’t going to get far looking for a straight answer from him now. At least, not a good one.

Julia looked back to the older man, pulling in her lower lip.

“It must’ve been horrible. Worrying like that.”

Didn’t she understand that part at least?

“And if your effort to save him worked, but ended up with him in a place that would break him..

Isn’t that worth apologizing for?” She asked.

“So you can be around each other, without him ducking his head and waiting for more admonishment?

What would be the harm??” That part she was really struggling to understand.

“If you did your best and he still got hurt.

Where’s the harm in telling him you’re sorry?”

[fuascailt]

[doctorjulie]

Julia looks up when she feels him release her hand, feeling her stomach sink with worry and a twinge of regret. She watches him retreat, and would like to go after him,

only more often than not in moments like this, that would do the opposite of help. He'd feel safer alone.

She looked back over at Henry, pulling in her lower lip and giving her head a soft shake.

"He's scared of you.

These- things, that you use against him, make him scared of you.

Is that what you want?" She asked, a helplessness in her voice, like trying to plead with him. Or Moira, his mother, would she stay hidden behind her hands.

"Why does it have to be all his fault?" She looked between. "If there's a share of responsibility to be taken, to keep him from being crushed under it..

Why won't you do that??"

She chokes up, embarrassingly. And she's still looking to the parents for some kind of an answer to how this could be, how Josh had started off alone in the world,

for so long,

and then again?

[rxctifier]

Why his fault? Why not. Why not purposeful?

"...because he wants it to be." the somber realization he came to years ago, when all hope seemed to have seeped out of that young man. Whatever hope he had left.

"He didn't take that job to further his career." he explained gently now, however just as factual as before. Ready to deliver more truths, he glanced at where Joshua had disappeared to, faltering.

"I don't want him to be afraid of me." he frowned. "But I never set out to be a role model. Nor a father figure. The things I taught him were to keep him alive within the organization, alone, without having to trust anyone else. Because when you do.." those close colleagues turned out to be the enemy.

"There was no need for him to stay for as long as he did. He could have moved on. Changed paths. Our deal was that he would finish his degree while he worked there." and what happened?

"—I'm angry, for the position he put me in. I vouched for him and then he let me down. He let that agent's family down. He let himself down.

And it was my responsibility to keep him safe." where was his apology?

[doctorjulie]

But you are! She wanted to scream. But you are, you are, you are! Can you not see how he waits for your every word, how carefully he guards himself watching you, how badly he needs to protect himself from your disappointment? You're a father figure to a fatherless boy whether you like it or not, and you flaut it. You break his heart.

He let that agent's family down. He let himself down.

He let that agent's family down.

Someone died.

When Josh had been sent into the field.

When I say you go, you go. She remembered that was his condition. That he couldn't focus on what he needed to do, if he was too worried for someone he cared about.

"It was your responsibility to keep him safe." She echoed quietly, wiping her tears, she watched the older man. "And in spite of your best efforts.." She tried to surmise.

"You fell short."

A shake of her head. "Must've broken your heart." How couldn't it? "If you cared about him, then.. it must've really hurt." She breathed, giving a couple of small nods.

"Have you ever told him that?"

[rxctifier]

Hands folded over each other, the handler sat in that chair when he wished to be somewhere else. But he doesn't move away, looks over to his wife who has leaned back in her chair with that sad look on her face that somehow only her son could bring forth.

"No... I haven't." he relented, one hand coming to rest on Moira's lap. The mother holds onto tightly with both of hers.

"I failed to keep him safe. To keep Moira's son safe. And he kept pushing me away, until I was just another.. name in a list of people whose lives were better off away from him."

But he kept surveillance on him. How couldn't he?

"He never rescinded his stance. So I went along with it."

[doctorjulie]

She held her breath, closing her eyes just a moment to hear something that just felt a little more sincere than all the defenses had been.

All the self-protection.

Remind her of someone? You bet.

He never rescinded his stance. So I went along with it.

I thought because he wouldn’t fight for it, it meant he didn’t want it.

“What if… he never thought to rescind his stance, because he saw you going along with it?

And thought, you wanted it that way?”

If you’re very small, and the world’s first lesson to you is that it is big, and cruel, and will take— when do you learn to fight for what’s important to you?

“If he wanted it different.

And what he needed, was for you to be the first one to take the step to cross..” She sighed. “That, divide. To be more to each other.

Could you do that?

Would, you?”

A pause.

“Because I think, out of all the family of his I’ve met. You might understand each other the best.

And I apologize, but.” She didn’t think she was wrong.

“I think maybe you’d both like a chance at that.”

[rxctifier]

The father-figure let out a sigh to lean back in his chair, his gaze on the woman with tears in her eyes.

"I can see why he took a liking to you." she reminded him of Anne. With a squeeze of Moira's hand, he rose to his feet to step out the same way Josh had gone.

[doctorjulie]

Julia feels… she doesn’t know what to feel, watching Henry go. Hope, maybe? A bit drained, mostly.

She sniffed, grimaced at the pang of a cramp in her side, holding the side of her bump as it faded away. She looked up at Moira.

“I overstepped.”

She blinked a few times, taking a sip of juice. “I know I did. I get carried away..”

She glanced over to where Henry was walking.

“I just, think they can have it. Better, than this.”

She rubbed her palm against her forehead, feeling a tension headache coming on. “They’re so damn similar, aren’t they?”

[eolchaire]

A tired smile directed at her daughter in law, a light chuckle.

"I've told him the same thing.

I didn't realize, until about a year into our rekindling. How much my son had adopted from Henry. It's to be expected, isn't it. He practically raised him. For better or worse."

She looked down at her lap, then up again.

"He's not a bad man. But he took it hard, when Anne died. He was one of her handlers. And then.." she fell silent, giving a weak shrug.

"I know you meant well. A good partner would do anything for their loved one." but, "Don't ever put him on the spot like that again without knowing the whole truth." she suggested, warned, pleaded. "Some things aren't for us to know."

With another tired smile, she rose to her feet. "I'll help you clear the cache table." and proceeded to do just that.

[franz-bauch-foto]

Cottage

[doctorjulie]

She was ready with a retort about there probably being good reason why Henry’s decision was a controversial one, but she restrained herself to nodding as he described the pushback.

Henry asked another question, and she finds Josh.. elsewhere. Unwilling to answer.

Was he, what was he. Afraid?

Of him?

Julia found her husband’s hand under the table, giving it a gentle poke with her finger. A silent apology for the track she was on, for disrupting dinner, thinking maybe she should stop.

So, it all worked out in the end.

It all worked out.

Her head swiveled back to Henry, watching him eat in smug satisfaction. She wasn’t afraid of him, in the same way she wasn’t afraid of that agent wanting to barge into Josh’s hospital room.

“You credit SHIELD with that?” She asked, locking in more now on Henry. “Because I, I have to credit Josh.”

Must not have told her much, she had to scoff. “Have you not seen him? Even now, sorry Josh, he’s afraid to say a word to contradict you.”

Baffling. Could he really not see it?

“Do you- have any idea? The kind of weight you hold, for god’s sake you’re the closest thing he’s had to a father.”

She stilled.

She was going too far, but she can’t stop speaking it as much as she can’t stop seeing the damage. She wants it to stop.

“And he has overcome fear after fear, because to him family is terrifyingly dangerous.” Have you been part of that, Henry?

“…And I don’t think you’d say that so proudly if you heard his nightmares.”

She just.. couldn’t understand, the crease in her brow and shake of her head as she watched him, and then Moira.

His mother.

Did she believe all this too?

“You took an unrooted.. struggling orphan,

and you sent him to war.” ?

She cleared her throat harshly, feeling a lump form at the thought in her anger, a hand protectively resting against her stomach.

“For the promise of structure.” When I think you know what he needed was family.

“Maybe, he would’ve been embarrassed to end up having to go home. Or, or struggled on like that for a few more years until he found his way. And he is, alright. He will be okay.

But the pieces he has pulled back together to get here, are no thanks—“ She cleared her throat again, set her own fork down to quickly wipe at the angry tears for her husband. “To your course of action.”

[fuascailt]

The gentle poke of his hand doesn't make him pull it back, instead he reaches for her hand like an anchor, like a tell - that he was okay, that this was uncomfortable as ever but he didn't want her to stop speaking her mind.

It was one of the many reasons he wanted to be with her. No one told Julia what to say or what not to do if she felt it was right.

But that was the length of his presence, still not looking at either Moira or Henry. Just, breathing through it.

[rxctifier]

you’re the closest thing he’s had to a father.

Confirmation. Of course he knew. It came with the job, however manipulative or, genuine. Henry took on that role, not just for Joshua, but more intense with him.

Because of who he was. Who he came to be. Because Moira was his mother.

Henry sat back in his chair all thought of food or enjoying a nice dinner before they flew back to Ireland disappeared just like his appetite. And all the while he sensed Moira struggling next to him. But he wouldn't speak for her. No matter how desperate of a mother she had been at the time.

You'd do anything to keep your loved ones alive.

A moment passed until he finally took a breath to speak, calm as ever but with a heaviness to his words.

"I don't pretend to be unaware of my.. impact as his handler. And I did my best, to be the structure he needed.

—But this was SHIELD. You don't make friends in there that you are certain will make it out alive. I never thought I was a good father figure. I never treated him as a son. And my purpose was for him not to treat me as family."

His speech more rapid more to the point. "Yes. He was struggling. You imagine him at his lowest refusing any kind of help, there you have him twenty-odd years thinking he could do it on his own in a foreign country with no support.

An orphan, he was not. He had his mother in Ireland, someone he refused to see or keep any contact with. Did he mention that? She tried. She tried so hard she still speaks of it today." to her side, the mother shifted, a soft sigh being let out.

"Now what I did to keep him from dying is a choice I will bear and defend until my dying breath. Could there have been any other choices? Yes. We always have a choice. But that nullifies when the recipient doesn't want to accept it—"

[eolchaire]

"—It was my idea."

Suddenly the mother spoke up, firm voice yet still.. haunted.

"I asked, Henry to get him in." everyone had a choice and this was hers. "He wouldn't speak to me. I didn't know where he was. And the times he did call was to ask for money..." with the pretense that it was for school literature that she knew she had given to him to spend on drugs. But once she pulled the breaks on it, she stopped.

Don't call me if you're only going to ask for money again.

"I thought, he would be safe there."

@doctorjulie

[eolchaire]

@magni-thorson

Next up, Moira. He whispered in her ear. “Your presence is required. This is naught but a comedy, the real wedding is happening this way.” He made a discreet nod of his head in the direction of the other path.

“Come with me. Casually, if you please.”

Casually?

Moira's eyes widened slightly, not being one for casual in these circumstances. She threw a look at Henry, who seemed confused and a little worried, but her subtle smile told him things were not as bad as they might seem.

The mother of the groom followed Magni down the path, looking from between the giant and back to where the other guests were seated.

"Magni, what's going on?" she whispered.

[magni-thorson]

“An elopement.” Whispered the giant excitedly, bringing his hands up for a little razzle-dazzle at the idea.

“And there’s the man of the hour.” He spoke when he found Joshua. A thumbs up to show things were going perfectly. “I’ve made Julia’s mother aware, she’s with her now.

They know to take,” He pointed to the trail map and selected the winding yellow line.

“Shall we?”

[eolchaire]

"Oh.. Oh?" an elopement? How grand! Moira couldn't help but laugh as she followed Magni down the path, looking up at her son when she saw him.

"But who are those people back there? Some sort of circus?"

[georgedontdothat]

To-cat-ata in B by sympawnies

[eolchaire]

@magni-thorson

Next up, Moira. He whispered in her ear. “Your presence is required. This is naught but a comedy, the real wedding is happening this way.” He made a discreet nod of his head in the direction of the other path.

“Come with me. Casually, if you please.”

Casually?

Moira's eyes widened slightly, not being one for casual in these circumstances. She threw a look at Henry, who seemed confused and a little worried, but her subtle smile told him things were not as bad as they might seem.

The mother of the groom followed Magni down the path, looking from between the giant and back to where the other guests were seated.

"Magni, what's going on?" she whispered.

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’ve told this story ten thousand times and I will tell it for the ten thousandth and first: whenever I think about wearing a costume to work on Halloween, I remember the time I saw a doctor breaking what must have been devastating news to a sobbing patient while the doc was dressed as a ketchup bottle.

[andhumanslovedstories]

There’s a lot of good responses to this but I obviously very partial to the healthcare ones

[autodiscipline]

[magni-thorson]

[Incoming call... Magni Thorson]

"Moira! I know, just look at the time. I'm sorry to disturb.

Your son is getting married!

Today! With the Bifrost at my disposal, I can retrieve you as soon as you say the word that you are ready.

Oh-- it is to Julia by the way. I am not sure of the level of contact between you these days. Anywho!

Yes!"

@eolchaire,

[eolchaire]

Silence from her side as she tried to process the news.

"You're jokin'." no wait, Magni didn't joke about things like this. "Henry!" she could be heard calling into the house, for her husband that was somewhere preparing to tend to the garden.

A bit of incoherent words were exchanged and Moira was back on the phone. "Hello hi, dear, sorry about that. Well, alright." she chuckled, "Guess we're going to a wedding!" oh how exciting!