EP

[ep1424]

Anger

It is an emotion that is overwhelming lately. I don't like anger, it scares me. I'm much more familiar with the feeling of sadness and how to cope. But with anger, there's no right way to get rid of it. Jealousy and anger are just everywhere in my body and it's terrible. I can't get rid of it like I can with sadness, and I can't talk about it because they wouldn't understand. I know the things I'm upset about or jealous of aren't rational, but it doesn't stop the feelings from bubbling up, nonetheless. It's so stupid to be jealous of someone else's happiness especially the people you care about and the people you love. The people you're meant to protect. Part of me wants to completely withdrawal so I don't have to feel like this anymore but there are just so many components that prevent me from doing that.

[ep1424]

Estrangement

Having friends but not feeling like you belong is something that can drive you crazy. My best friends, my favorite people. But never feeling like I'm enough or that I belong with the people around me is an ailment I suffer from too much. The jealousy is outrageous. The anger fills you like nothing you can predict. It comes in waves too. The anger that those people don't even have an idea of how you're feeling and that maybe even if they did, they wouldn't care. But then there is the guilt of feeling that way and the thoughts coming back and making you feel like you're the bad guy for even thinking of having those emotions. I'm so angry lately. It's this feeling in my chest that won't go away no matter what I do. And you can't talk about it because you know the feelings are irrational.

[ep1424]

The Ex

Exes suck. After so many years apart they will always have a part of you that you can never take back. What sucks even worse is when they’re not the bad guy. Having someone to blame is relieving but when you can only blame yourself its heartbreaking. He has someone new. And still I have no one. 

Everyone around me has someone, everyone is doing something with their life but it feels like I’m going nowhere like I’m getting nowhere and becoming no one. The only guy who ever made me feel comfortable with myself now is doing that to someone else and that hurts. 

I can’t hate him. Not when he hasn’t done anything wrong, not when he isn’t the bad guy. So without him to hate, I turn to myself. That hate reflects back on myself and pushes me down even deeper into the hole of self pity that I’ve been avoiding for ages. And I’ve known for a long that time that he was the only one who could put me back there.

EX

[ep1424]

Anxiety

People only ever talk about how bad the big parts of anxiety can be. Like stuttering when giving a speech or presenting a project. You don’t see as much talk for the “smaller” parts of anxiety. 

For instance, if you’re in an uncomfortable situation and you crack every bone you can to relieve stress. When you keep trying to crack those same joints even after you cracked them 1 minute ago. Or chewing your nails. There are so many instances when fingers will get bloody and raw from constant biting. But its like hypnotism, if you don’t do it you’ll go crazy. 

Personally I bite my lips. My lips will be raw and I’ll continue biting just because of the feeling it gives me when I do it. Then I’ll eat or drink something after and the pain will hit me and I’ll think to myself why did I do that? Or even self harming from anxiety. The thought after is always why did I do that? There’s a simple yet complex answer. 

Anxiety.

[ep1424]

The Bigger Person

Over the years of humanity, being the “bigger person” has always been seen as a positive and selfless thing. What people don’t realize is how detrimental the effects of being a “bigger person” can have. Whether you are the bigger person in an argument or just in an everyday life situation. No one talks about the feelings that result from this act. 

The self-loathing of always giving up the things you want for someone else to be happy. The anger in your chest to discontinue an argument with someone who needs to be put in their place.  Or having something taken from you. Maybe it wasn’t yours in the first place but it doesn’t take the pain away any more than it should. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk, EP<3.