Eruri Trash™

Jenn | ☆Canada☆ | INFJ ♥ Eruri & feminism ♥ Active fandoms: SnK/AoT, Psycho Pass Other: MCU, Naruto, ATLA, OPM OTPs: Eruri, Erejean, Stucky, Kakasaku ✎ Find me: [ AO3 ] | [ Tumblr fic tag ] [on hiatus as I start med school!!] | Cred+notif: bottom R hover tab

[ephieshine]

hi! do you think you'll ever finish "etch"?

I’m so sorry, I know this has been asked before and I’ve been saying yes for almost 2 years… I think I will, ONE DAY.

[ephieshine]

oh hey i finally did the thing 

[ephieshine]

things i don’t want to forget about you

things I don’t want to forget about you

The way your hands felt around mine; curious, stroking, gentle fingers; hands big enough to cover mine completely

The way your feet dangled off the edge of the bed; your body that didn’t fit into doorframes

That first date we had: 8 hours long and leaving me still wanting more

Your kisses: clumsy, lingering, enthusiastic, and genuine; with time, how they felt after I taught you how to kiss

(I won’t ever forget that first kiss with you – possibly the wettest, clumsiest, most terrible perfect kiss I’ve had on a first date)

The ridiculous amount of laughter we shared; that time you rolled me up in blankets and half-pushed me off the bed; the weaknesses we knew in each other (mostly spots the other was ticklish) and exploited to no end

The things you told me about your extended family; the longing I felt for that sort of love and connection in the future; the way I felt realizing that being part of a big family would be an incredible thing

The magical feeling of waking up next to you with the sun filtering in, with the best bedroom window view I’ve ever had

The eagerness to learn how to please

The way you picked up garbage bags others had left on the ground, that time we went hiking; the way you always helped out your friends and family

The sound of your heart, thudding loud

The sound of you, breathless after your first orgasm; the sight of your toes curling and uncurling; the muscles tensing in your legs

The softness of your hair after showers, before you put any product in it

The way shower kisses would end in me spluttering, because water from your hair and face would inevitably end up in my mouth

The guilt in your eyes when you would see the marks you left on me (the marks I asked you to leave on me)

The way you’d insist on embarrassing me by kissing me in public; laughing at my uncharacteristic hesitance

The feeling of you inside me, and the care you paid to me afterwards; I’ve never been so happy to be in someone’s arms after sex the way I was in yours, and how I wish you knew that

The times you came over and cooked for me – not with me, but for me because I was too busy

The love you have for your family, both here and beyond

-------

The way you wouldn’t talk to me about your feelings about us

The little laugh of derision when I’d try to ask for clarification about something emotionally distressing to me; “I don’t know, okay?”

“I don’t need to see you that often”

The countless times you were late or cancelled at the last minute, or forgot about calling me, or forgot about meetings and get-togethers in the time we had planned to spend together

The feeling of saying “I miss you” and you saying “but it’s only been…”

The feeling of not knowing how to bring up that, yes, I was unhappy again because of something you’d done (or hadn’t done) because I was afraid of losing you

The feeling of not wanting to be right in an argument, not wanting to admit to myself that you didn’t care as much as I did

The feeling of not being wanted in a relationship, where for the first time was with someone I wanted so badly to be with

The feeling of seeing those marks you’d left on me in the mirror the morning after you ended things with me

The feeling of being alone in a relationship

The feeling of defensiveness (but also realization) on seeing how my friends looked at me (pity, dismay, regret) when I’d show them our conversations, the ones where you’d reply with one-word answers and wordless gifs

The feeling of doubting everything about myself because I couldn’t understand why you were so distant; doubting my doubt about you so I could tell myself this was what I wanted

The feeling of ice-cold everywhere when you said to me “We need to talk”

“I think I should go” – how it all began and ended

(In the end I think you did what you could. It wasn’t malicious and there is no reason for me to resent you. We weren’t meant for each other, but in so many ways I wish we had been. You were as good to me as you could manage to be, and I hope I was as good to you as I could have been.)

[ephieshine]

hi! do you think you'll ever finish "etch"?

I'm so sorry, I know this has been asked before and I've been saying yes for almost 2 years... I think I will, ONE DAY.

[baby-im-just-bi-bi-bi]

[sybilius]

@ephieshine too real

[flecksofpoppy]

After Levi joins the Survey Corps, he looks up often; but he can’t pinpoint the moment when the blueness of Erwin’s eyes replaced the sky.

Twitfic of the Day (3/2/17)

[inediblesushi]

snk :))))

commander handsome~~~~

[ephieshine]

I was wondering if you're ever going to finish Etch, the Kakasaku novel. I just stumpled on it on AO3 and fell in love with it. I hope you continue it.

that’s sweet of you, thanks! I really am trying to finish it. really. I’ve got 2030 words written and even updated it a bit last week. but wrapping it up is difficult.

I will definitely finish it one day though :’)

[hamletmachine]

Steve sending Bucky texts, inspired by this panel ♥

[seitsensarvi]

Show us the joy in the world that we’re living in Turn our dreams into sin

[ephieshine]

recently i had a fight with my parents. it was over the phone because i’m going to school halfway across the country from them, and it was because i decided not to lie about a short trip i was taking with a guy i’m seeing. my mother slowly pressed me for answers: were we sleeping in the same room? (yes.) same bed? (yes.) was this to save money? (no.) and lastly, with me recognizing how hard it was for her to ask this: were we going to have sex? (yes.)

i answered these questions because i didn’t want to lie to her. i also answered them because i thought in the back of my head, maybe it wouldn’t be taken so badly. maybe all these years of inundating my parents with liberal rhetoric would have worn them down or at least helped them understand that sex outside of a marriage didn’t have to be associated with stigma and shame, or at least it didn’t have to result in active stigmatizing and shaming from them. 

apparently not. as soon as i’d said “i’m going on a trip with him” she asked if it was “proper” which has a shit ton of connotations to it. i asked her what she meant by “proper” and she evaded the question. eventually, the crux of it came out: she called me “easy,” and she said that having these sorts of relationships would make me unable to commit to and care for a family in the future. 

her concern wasn’t about the fact that i’d only been seeing this guy for a couple weeks, nor about STIs and did-i-know-how-to-use-a-condom-correctly or does-he-treat-you-well or anything about my safety or my happiness. it was about how it looked and how it would affect my child-bearing, family-oriented, domesticated years. she told me that she and my dad were “okay with (me) having sex in committed, long-term relationships. we are okay with you dating guys now, but look around you, all your friends are in serious relationships. this isn’t normal.” why is this narrative so normalized? why is it that she can talk like she owns my goddamn body, at nearly 21 years old? and it’s not just that she owns it now, it’s that she will own it if/when i decide to start a family, have kids, etc. 

if she’d been more fluent in english, i’m sure she would have called me a slut. she was sure thinking it inside.

little does she know my closest friend here was fuckbuddies with her now-boyfriend first, had several fuckbuddies over the summer etc., and is generally the most sex-positive person i’ve met. 

i was just angry in that moment, but eventually that grew into hurt and disappointment in the fact that my parents didn’t care primarily about my safety or my happiness. while i understand this to them is “caring,” it would help to occasionally listen and try to understand where i’m coming from. 

when i first got into social justice and feminism and sex positivity and so on, my parents were upset at how much time i was “wasting” on it instead of studying the Real Important Stuff (Tm) in science courses like molecular pathways that i’d only need to know for exams. when it turned out my knowledge in social justice came in handy for medical school interviews, they shut up about it. when i started doing volunteer work relating to social justice, they shut up about it because they thought yeah that looks good on applications. even when i started volunteering at the local resource centre for sexual health, they didnt make any terrible comments despite my explaining to them the mandate of sex positivity, queer positivity, etc. 

they are always fine with these things - sex positivity, lgbtq rights - until it becomes apparently that they need to accept it for me. 

because for all their saying that they’re more left-wing than other chinese immigrants, they still 1) told me that i was lying to myself when i came out to them as bisexual, 2) said “don’t talk about those disgusting things” when, several years ago, i asked them what they’d do if, hypothetically, i brought home a girl i was dating, 3) slut-shamed me for traveling along with a man i’m seeing. 

it is hurtful to see that they don’t really accept me (the whole me, the real me) as their daughter. they see an idealized version, forget about the mood issues i’ve had, forget about my bisexuality and the fact that i’m a sexual being who’s been in consenting relationships. it hurts that when they see these aspects, they dismiss it or get angry. 

the easiest way to make my mom mad these days is to challenge heteronormativity in her statements. “jenn you should check out engineering events - there’s lots of guys there you can meet!” “mom, what does that matter? i don’t just date men.” this gets her off her chair, up the stairs, and slamming the door behind her in seconds. 

my dad is more open-minded. but he’s bound by the fact that he’d never say anything against my mom in these situations, and as a result there’s no fucking way i can get a single word in.

a friend told me once that his parents thought he was gay when he was little. their response? to try and reassure him that no matter what it didn’t matter to them and he would always be loved by them. at that point he had no fucking clue what they were going on about, but the thought is what counts, really. 

it’s not the end of the world. i am immensely and ridiculously privileged in that i no longer have to depend on my parents for a roof over my head, and could be financially independent if need be. there are so many kids in much worse situations. but this is just something i’m realizing: my parents aren’t the perfect people i once thought they were.

currently: they haven’t talked to me or texted me in 3 days, which is a record high lmao. i’m doing fine but it’s just something i needed to write down to process.

[tendermiasma]

I’m not an expert but I like hands a lot so hopefully some of this was helpful!

[scotchgrove]

when u like a character for their potential to be interesting and complex more than how they’re actually written

[ryan-potter]

Dev Patel apologizes for M. Night Shyalaman’s The Last Airbender (x)

[carrotcakebanditdoodles]

anatomy is all over the place, i just wanted to play with some colorss

[xxbluandorangexx]

wow I pounded my head against this for like eight hours straight but shit turned out good. Steve knows exactly what he’s doing with you tonight, Bucky. You gonna be a shit and argue?

[35gramsperliter]

p/c

[twistedkit]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

“Michael.”

Again, there’s that chuckle on the other end of the line. “I hear you go by Erwin now. I didn’t think you’d call so soon.”

It is a lie. They’ve been waiting for Levi to leave his office. “Can you meet tonight?”