I’ve been having such a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words lately. It’s been such a traumatic past 12 months thus far. I don’t remember being in school, in fact, the past 4 years have felt like a blur. My life has significantly changed from graduation to now. With residency on the brink of completion, I wonder now how my life will unfold moving forward. This will be my final graduation ever, it seems. Where did the time go? I used to be studying as a teenager, struggling in general chemistry, praying that somehow I’d make it. Now I’m here, and I look back in awe-at the naivity that’s engrossed me. How easily life can take you and turn you upside down, how the wounds of trauma make you fight new battles, while you still bleed from the older ones. How you and oftentimes you alone, must stand up and dust yourself off, only to keep on moving. I used to think I was weak, I definitely don’t. I was a kid who had to grow up, and I had to make tough decisions that Insha’Allah will be for the better in the long run. But I do often catch myself remembering fond memories, and then I always recall one of my favorite quotes, “the worst heart disease is a strong memory.”
I really became tired of working so much, my mental well-being drained. Having significantly more time due to the COVID pandemic led me to really question my trajectory. I’m not going to overwork myself anymore, I don’t see myself working 70-80 hours anymore. What’s the point? My true happiness comes from being surrounded by family and friends, not gowned up head to toe seeing patients. It doesn’t come from getting a better salary, and it certainly doesn’t come from the ability to buy nice things. We’re all just exchanging our hours for monetary gain, it’s just life, right? We don’t have a choice. It’s something so simple, and something I already knew, but it has hit me so hard as of late. I don’t remember when or how I grew up, I just know something happened in the past 12 months that has cemented a drastic change in me. I no longer feel the need to talk as much or even hear out others as much. I zone out quiet easily these days, I’m not interested in shows, or any movies. Maybe some songs. I love my friends, and I love my family-and I am so grateful. The one thing that does provide me so much, SO MUCH sukoon is salah. Alhamdulillah, I’ve never been more pious, I feel like Allah swt is my best friend. I look forward to praying everyday, I even save Isha just before I sleep so I can get excited about sleeping right after speaking to Allah. I just started reading Tariq Ramadan’s book about Prophet Muhammad pbuh and I’m really excited to gain some insight. It’s been on my night table for the past 5 years, could you believe that? Insane. I’m forgetting why I’m writing all this out and Idk if anyone is even on tumblr anymore but it’s feeling really good to just lay my finger on the keyboard and bleed out all the pent up emotions. Alhamdulillah for everything. I hope we all find happiness and sukoon, and I know Allah swt has our back.
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