tags: angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of feeling like a burden, feeling weak, not being enough, overprotectiveness, arguments
[XAVIER, ZAYNE, RAFAYEL, SYLUS, CALEB]
XAVIER
The fight wasn't even supposed to happen.
You'd come back from a solo patrol, all scratched up but alive. Wanderers had appeared faster than the mission intel had let in on, and you'd pushed through alone because backup was twenty minutes out and you weren't about to let civilians get caught in the crossfire. Standard hunter protocol.
Xavier was waiting at your apartment door when you limped in. Still in his uniform, hair a mess like he'd run straight from the association the second he heard the report. His eyes, usually soft with a trace of amusement, were sharp.
"You're hurt again," he says, voice steady. His gaze drags over the blood on your sleeve, the bruise blooming across your cheek.
"I'm fine." You try to brush past him. "Just need a shower and some sleep."
He catches your wrist. Gentle but firm enough you can't pull away. "You could've waited."
"I didn't have time to wait. People were going to die, Xavier."
His jaw tightens. "And you almost did."
You yank your arm free. "But I didn't. That's the job. That's my job."
Something flickers in his expression, something raw, something heโs been carrying for a long time. He steps closer, voice dropping low. "You need to stop being so reckless. Charging in like that... it's stupid. You're going to get yourself killed one day, and I-" He cuts off, exhales hard through his nose. "I can't keep watching you throw yourself away."
The words land like a slap.
He knows. He knows how much weight those words carry to you. How many nights you've spent curled against him whispering about the fear that you're not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not careful enough. That every time you come home bleeding it's proof you're still failing the people who count on you. That deep down you worry you're just a liability dressed up as a hero.
And he just called it stupid.
Your throat closes. Eyes burn. You stare at him, waiting for him to take it back, the soft apology he always gives when he realizes he's gone too far.
It doesn't come.
Instead he just stands there, breathing uneven, looking like he wants to reach for you again but doesn't trust his own hands.
You turn away. "Get out."
He doesn't move at first.
"Get. Out."
The door shuts behind him quieter than it should. Like even the hinges are trying not to make it worse.
You don't cry until you're in the shower. Hot water mixes with salt and you press your forehead to the tile, replaying it on loop.
Stupid.
He didn't mean it. You know he didn't. Xavier never means the sharp things that slip out when he's scared. But knowing doesn't stop it from carving deeper.
You avoid him for three days.
Missions. Paperwork. Extra patrols. Anything that keeps you out of the apartment, out of associationโs common areas, out of range of those blue eyes that always find you too easily.
He texts once.
I'm sorry. Please talk to me.
You read it. Delete it. Turn your phone face down.
On day four he shows up at your door again. Leaning against the frame like he's been waiting hours. Eyes shadowed. Uniform rumpled. He looks like he hasn't slept.
You freeze in the hallway, grocery bag in hand.
He straightens slowly. "I know you don't want to see me."
You don't answer. Just stare at the floor between you.
He takes one step closer, stops when you flinch. "I was wrong," he says quietly. "What I said... it was cruel. I was angry and terrified and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have."
Still nothing from you.
His voice cracks the smallest amount. "You aren't stupid. You're the bravest person I know. You run into danger so other people don't have to, and I-โ He swallows. "I hate it. I hate that I can't protect you from everything. I hate that every time you leave I wonder if this is the time you don't come back. But that's my fear, itโs not your fault. And I never should have made you feel like your courage is anything less than... everything that it is."
He sounds wrecked. Like saying it hurts more than the silence ever could.
You finally look up. His eyes are red rimmed. Hair falling into his face. He looks smaller than you've ever seen him.
"I didn't mean it," he whispers. "Not even a little. I was lashing out because I can't lose you. Not again." He stops. Shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
You don't move.
He doesn't push. Hands loose at his sides, itching to touch you but he waits.
Minutes pass. Rain starts tapping the hallway window.
Finally you speak. Voice small. "It hurt."
"I know."
"More than you know."
His shoulders drop.
You step forward. Just one step. Close enough to smell the faint scent of cedar and fresh air that always clings to him.
He doesn't reach for you. Lets you decide.
You do.
Your forehead bumps his chest. His arms come around you instantly, careful, trembling. Like he's scared you'll vanish if he holds too tight.
"I'm sorry," he breathes into your hair. Over and over. "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry."
You don't say it's okay yet. Not quite.
But you don't pull away either.
He stays like that for a long time. Rain outside. Heartbeats loud in the quiet. Him murmuring apologies against your temple until the words blur into soft nonsense.
When you finally let him inside, he doesn't try to kiss you. Doesn't push for more.
He just sits on your couch, pulls you into his lap, and holds you like you're the only thing keeping him from falling apart.
And maybe you are.
He spends the rest of the night proving, with quiet words, gentle touches, and the way he refuses to let go even when you pretend to sleep, that he will never let those words live between you again.
ZAYNE
It starts over something small. Or at least, it feels small until it isn't.
You've been pushing yourself lately, extra missions, ignoring the twinges in your chest, the way your evol resonance is getting weaker. Zayne's noticed. Of course he has. He's your doctor. Your primary physician. The one who knows every scar on your heart, literal and otherwise.
He's been gentle about it at first. Texts reminding you to rest. Quiet suggestions during check ups. But tonight, after you collapse into his apartment post mission, dizzy, short of breath, lying about how bad it was, he cracks.
"You're not invincible," he says, voice clipped as he checks your pulse. His fingers are cool against your wrist. "You keep ignoring the signs, and one day your heart won't forgive you."
You roll your eyes from the couch. "It's fine, Zayne. I handled it."
"You didn't." He sets his glasses down harder than necessary. "Your vitals are erratic. Again. Because you refuse to listen."
Irritation flares. You're tired. Sore. The last thing you need is another lecture. "I'm a hunter. This is what I do. You can't wrap me in bubble wrap forever."
His eyes narrow, that rare flash of real anger. "And I can't keep fixing you forever either. Do you even think about what this does to the people around you? To me?"
You sit up too fast. The room spins a little. "What, like I'm some burden you have to carry? I didn't ask for this heart. Or for you to play savior every time."
He freezes. Then, in a voice so low it's almost a whisper: "Maybe if you weren't so hell bent on destroying yourself, you wouldn't be a burden at all. You're not just risking your life, you're making everyone else's harder. Including mine. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about the guilt you leave behind."
The words hang in the air. Sharp and unforgiving.
You've confessed it to him in the dark, tears soaking his shirt,
โI feel like I'm always making you suffer because of me. Like I'm not enough to stand on my own.โ
And he just... threw it back in your face.
Your chest tightens, not from your condition, but from the way everything inside you crumples.
Zayne's expression shifts the second it leaves his mouth. Regret floods his eyes. He reaches for you. "I didn't-"
"Don't." You stand, grabbing your coat. Voice steady even as it breaks inside. "Don't touch me."
He doesn't follow when you leave. Just stands there in the doorway, watching you go with that unreadable face he wears like armor.
You don't go home. You crash at a hotel. Turn off your phone. Cry until there's nothing left.
The next morning, you march into Akso Hospital. Request a transfer of primary physician. The admin looks confused
"Dr. Li is one of our best, are you sure?" but you nod. Firm on your decision.
Dr. Greyson gets your file.
You avoid the cardiology wing for a week. Take the long way to appointments. Duck into stairwells if you spot that familiar figure.
But hospitals are small. You cross paths eventually.
The first time is in the hallway near radiology. He rounds the corner, charts in hand. Freezes when he sees you.
You look through him. Keep walking. His footsteps falter behind you, but he doesn't call out.
Second timeโs in the cafeteria. You're grabbing coffee. He's at a table, alone, staring at his untouched lunch. Your eyes meet across the room.
He stands. Mouths your name.
You turn away. Leave the line. Dump the cup in the trash on your way out.
Then, the elevator. Just the two of you. He steps in after you, presses his floor. The air thickens.
"I-" he starts.
The doors open. You bolt without a glance.
He doesn't try again that day.
Heโs unraveling in his office.
Zayne doesn't break easy. He's built his life on control; schedules, scalpels, steady hands. But alone, door locked, he crumbles.
Paces the small space. Sits at his desk. Stands again. Checks his phone for the hundredth time, no messages. Your contact photo stares back: you laughing in his arms, snow in your hair from that trip to Chansia.
He slams the phone down. So hard the screen cracks.
Regret coils in his gut. He replays the argument on loop, your face when he said it, the way you recoiled like he'd struck you. Worse than any physical blow.
He skips meals. Works doubles to fill the void. Snaps at nurses over nothing. Greyson mentions your transfer in passing and Zayne just nods. Excuses himself. Locks the office door and presses his palms to his eyes until the burning stops.
Nights are worse. His apartment echoes without you. He lies awake, staring at the ceiling, imagining every scenario where he loses you for good. Your heart failing because he wasn't there. You moving on with someone who doesn't carry this baggage. Or worse, you hating him enough to never look back.
He drowns in his self pity. Whispers apologies to empty rooms.
Two weeks in, he can't take it.
He gives you space, or tries. But seeing you in the hospital chips away at him.
A sigh. "Physically? Sheโs fine. Emotionally? She asked not to discuss you."
Zayne nods. Walks away. Punches the wall in the stairwell hard enough to bruise his knuckles.
That night, he breaks. Shows up at your apartment, looking a mess.
You open the door. See him. Start to close it.
His hand catches the frame. Gentle. Pleading. "Please. Five minutes."
You let him in. Not because you want to. Because he looks like a ghost, pale, hollow eyed, like he hasn't slept since that night.
He doesn't sit. Stands in your entryway. "I was wrong," he says immediately. Voice raw. "What I said... it was unforgivable. I was angry. At myself, mostly. For not being able to protect you. For watching you suffer and feeling helpless. But I took it out on you. On the one thing I know hurts you most."
You cross your arms. Stare at the floor. "You knew. You knew how much I hate feeling like a burden. Like I'm just... broken."
He flinches. "I know. And I used it like a weapon. Because in that moment, I wanted you to hurt like I was hurting. It was selfish and cruel. I regret it every second since."
Silence stretches between you. The snowfall outside clings to the windows.
"Why should I believe you?" Your voice is small, unsteady.
He steps closer. Like heโs approaching something fragile. "Because without you, I'm the one who's broken. These weeks... they've been hell. Seeing you in the halls, knowing I've lost the right to even ask how you are. Knowing I drove you to someone else for care because I couldn't be trusted with your heart anymore."
His voice breaks on that last word. Heart. Yours, his.
"I don't deserve forgiveness," he continues. "Not yet. But I'll earn it. However long it takes. Iโll give you as much space as you need. But please... don't shut me out forever."
You look up then. See the tears he doesn't bother hiding. The way his hands tremble at his sides.
It's not okay.
But you nod. Once. "Start by leaving. I need time."
He does. No argument. Just a quiet "I love you" on his way out.
The next day, flowers arrive at your door. Jasmines. Note in his handwriting: I'm sorry. Take all the time you need.
Then chocolates. The ones from that shop you mentioned once.
Then a book, the one you'd been eyeing.
Small things. Consistent.
You ignore him at the hospital still. But the edge softens. A nod in the hall one day. A brief "Good morning" the next.
He clings to them like lifelines.
A month later, you request the transfer back. Greyson's good, but he's not Zayne. No one knows your history like he does.
The first appointment is professional. But when it's over, he lingers. "Thank you," he says softly. "For trusting me again."
You meet his eyes. "Don't make me regret it."
"I won't."
Outside the exam room, he exhales. Leans against the wall. Smiles for the first time in weeks.
It's slow after that. Dinners. Walks. Him opening up about his own fears, the nightmares where he loses you, the weight of his oath clashing with his love.
One night, curled on his couch, you whisper: "I forgive you."
He pulls you close. Buries his face in your hair. "Thank you," he breathes. Over and over.
He never lets those words, or any like them, cross his mind again. Not even in anger.
RAFAYEL
Youโre both still damp when you stumble back to his studio.
Youโd followed him on one of his saviour plots again, not because he asked, but because you couldnโt let him go alone. Not after the way his eyes had darkened when he talked about the latest lead on the people whoโd hunted his kind. Youโd fought beside him, bled beside him, watched him lose himself in spirits of his past while facing humans who keep his people as decor.
You thought it meant something. That standing in the cold current together, watching him free someone from captivity, meant you were finally crossing the invisible line he always drew between you.
Apparently not.
Heโs quiet the whole walk back. The kind of quiet that makes the air feel thick.
You try to break it when you step inside, peel off your soaked jacket, kick off boots, reach for the towel he tosses you without looking.
โRafayel? You okay?โ
He doesnโt answer right away. Just stands by the tall windows, staring out at the black ocean like it owes him something. Water drips from his hair onto the floorboards in slow plinks.
Then, finally: โYou shouldnโt have come.โ
You freeze mid reach for the towel. โWhat?โ
โYou heard me.โ His voice is soft. The dangerous kind of soft he gets right before he says something that cuts. โYou never should have followed me down there tonight.โ
Anger flares fast. โI wasnโt going to let you go alone. You couldโve died.โ
He laughs, short, bitter, nothing like his usual teasing lilt. โDied? Please. Iโve been dealing with this for longer than youโve been breathing.โ
You step closer. โThatโs not the point-โ
โThe point,โ he cuts in, finally turning to face you, โis that you keep throwing yourself into my wars like it makes you part of them. Like it makes you understand.โ
Your stomach drops. โIโm trying to understand. Iโve been trying since-โ
โSince when?โ He tilts his head, eyes glittering under the low studio lights. Condescending. Almost pitying. โSince you conveniently forgot the first time we met?โ
The room tilts.
He knows exactly what heโs doing.
โYou think charging into something you donโt understand fixes that?โ he continues, voice silky and cruel. โYou think bleeding a little makes up for years I carried alone? Youโll never truly understand, will you? Not really. Youโre human. You get to forget. I donโt.โ
The exact fears youโve had ever since youโve gotten closer, that no matter how much you love him, there will always be a chasm. That youโre inadequate because you canโt carry the same weight he does.
And he justโฆ confirmed it. In the most condescending tone heโs ever used with you.
Your throat closes. Eyes burn. You stare at him, waiting for the flinch. The immediate regret. The way he usually backpedals when he sees your face crumple.
It doesnโt come.
Instead he just watches you with that same detached, almost academic curiosity. Like heโs studying how deep the wound goes.
You donโt scream. Donโt cry.
You just turn. Grab your wet jacket. Head for the door.
โRunning away already?โ he calls after you. Still soft and sharp, all the same.
You donโt answer.
The door closes behind you with a click that sounds final.
You donโt go back to Mo Art studio for days.
You stay at your apartment. Take extra commissions that keep you busy. Avoid every beach, every gallery showing his work, every place that reminds you of him.
He doesnโt text at first. Then one message days later:
Come back.
You delete it.
Days pass and a painting is delivered to your door. A small canvas. Just your silhouette against a stormy sea, the same view from the island where you first kissed after he saved you from drowning. Thereโs no note, just the painting.
You hang it facing the wall.
Then, he shows up outside your building. Doesnโt come inside. Just stands under the streetlamp in the rain, hair plastered to his forehead, coat dripping, looking like something the tide dragged in.
You watch from the window for ten minutes. He doesnโt move. Doesnโt wave. Just waits.
You close the curtains.
Inside, heโs losing his mind.
Rafayel has always been trying to get your attention, theatrical sighs, exaggerated pouts, the whole artist temperament. But this is different.
He paints obsessively. Canvases everywhere. All of them you, angry, sad, laughing, sleeping. Some half finished, some torn. He canโt get the eyes right. Keeps scrubbing them out until the canvas rips.
He talks to the empty studio. โStupid. So stupid. Why did I say that?โ
He knows why. Fear. The same fear thatโs lived in him since the day you walked back into his life as an adult. The terror that youโll leave again, not because you want to, but because youโll realize you were never meant to stay. That the gap is too wide.
He drinks too much wine. Smashes a bottle against the wall when the silence gets too loud. Cuts his hand. Doesnโt bother bandaging it. Just lets it drip onto the floor like paint.
Nights are the worst. He curls on the couch where you usually fall asleep against him, hugging the pillow that still smells faintly of your shampoo. Whispers apologies into it like it can carry them to you.
He doesnโt sleep.
On day ten, he canโt take it anymore.
He doesnโt knock this time. He uses the spare key you gave him months ago.
Youโre on the couch when the door opens. You donโt move, silently staring at him.
He looks wrecked. Eyes bloodshot. Shirt untucked. Bandage on his hand soaked through.
He doesnโt step farther than the entryway. Like heโs afraid crossing the threshold will make you run again.
โI was wrong,โ he says. Voice hoarse. โEverything I saidโฆ I didnโt mean any of it. I was terrified. You almost died down there. And I thought- if I pushed you away first, it wouldnโt hurt as much when you finally realized you canโt fix me. That you canโt carry what I carry.โ
He swallows. โBut youโve never tried to fix me. You justโฆ stay. Even when I make it impossible. Even when I throw every insecurity I know you have back in your face like itโs nothing.โ
He takes one careful step closer. Stops when you tense.
โYou do understand,โ he whispers. โMore than I deserve. You remembered how to find me. How to love me. Thatโs more than I ever thought Iโd get.โ
Silence.
Then, quieter: โIโm sorry. Iโm so sorry. Iโll spend every day proving I didnโt mean it. That I want you here. That the gap doesnโt matter because youโre already on my side of it.โ
He sinks to his knees. Right there in the entryway. Head bowed. Hands loose at his sides like heโs offering himself up for judgment.
โIโll give you space if thatโs what you need,โ he murmurs. โBut pleaseโฆ donโt forget me again. Not because of something I said when I was too scared to admit how much I need you.โ
You donโt answer right away.
Minutes drag.
Then you stand, walk over and stop in front of him.
He doesnโt look up. You can see the faint tremble in him.
You reach down. Touch his hair, still damp. He leans into it like a man starved.
โIโm still angry,โ you say softly.
He nods slightly.
โAnd it hurt. More than you know.โ
The shame in his eyes is evident.
You sink to your knees too. Wrap your arms around him.
He breaks then. Arms crush around you. Face buried in your neck. Shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
โIโm sorry,โ he breathes against your skin.
You donโt promise itโs okay yet.
But you hold him tighter.
Later, when youโre tangled on the couch, he traces your face with careful fingers. โIโll never say anything like that again. I swear to you.โ
You believe him.
Because the way he looks at you now, like youโre the only shore heโll ever run to, leaves no room for doubt.
SYLUS
You've been at his side for months now, navigating the N109 Zone, accompanying him on deals that skirt legality, quiet nights spent together where he lets the mask slip just enough for you to see the man beneath all of it. Sylus has always been careful with you. Even in anger, he reins it in, turns it to ice rather than fire.
But tonight, after a botched negotiation that nearly got you both killed, a setup from a rival faction, bullets flying, you acting reckless to protect him, the reins snap.
You're in his safe house, adrenaline still buzzing. He's pacing the length of the floor to ceiling windows, city lights casting harsh shadows across his face. Mephisto perches on the back of a chair, head tilted like he senses the storm.
"You shouldn't have jumped in like that," he says, voice low and edged. "I had it under control."
You scoff from the couch, pressing a cloth to the graze on your arm. "Under control? They had almost had you beat, Sylus. If I hadn't-"
"If you hadn't, nothing. I don't need you playing bodyguard." He stops pacing. Turns to you with eyes like shattered rubies. "You're in my world now. Act like it."
Irritation boils over. You're tired. Sore. And yeah, maybe a little scared at how close it was. "Your world? The one where you act like nothing touches you? Like you're above it all?"
He crosses his arms. "Careful, sweetie."
The nickname grates tonight. "No. You donโt want my help? Fine. But if you want people to think you're human, start acting like one. Stop treating everything like a game where you're the only player who matters."
The room goes deathly quiet.
His expression doesn't change at first. Just a subtle tightening around his eyes. A flicker of something raw, hurt, maybe, before it's gone.
You know that line cuts him. You've talked about it before, in more vulnerable moments: how he struggles with his own humanity after everything he's lost, everything he's built from the ruins. The way the world sees him as a monster, and sometimes he wonders if they're right. You've held him through those confessions, whispered that he's more than his this, more than the blood on his hands.
And now youโre using it against him.
He steps closer. Voice dangerously even. "Human? That's rich coming from you. You're barely cosplaying as one yourself, stumbling through my shadows like a lost child, pretending you belong. Pretending you're not exactly like me. Acting blind to who you are like I wonโt have to bury one day because you can't keep up."
The words slice clean through.
Your breath catches. Eyes sting. You stare at him, waiting for the retraction.
It doesn't come.
Instead, he just holds your gaze. Unblinking. Like he's daring you to break first.
You don't. You stand. Grab your things and head straight for the door without a word.
He doesn't stop you. Doesn't even move.
The elevator dings. Doors close. And you're gone.
You avoid him for twelve days.
Back to Linkon. Association work. Anything that keeps you out of the N109 Zon. You block his number temporarily, not forever, just enough to breathe. Mephisto shows up on your balcony twice, cawing softly, but you shoo him away with a sad smile. "Not yet, buddy."
The twins text once.
Boss is in a mood. Everything okay?
You don't reply.
In the N109 Zone, Sylus fractures.
He doesn't rage at first. Just sits in his study, glass of whiskey untouched, staring at the city he rules like it's mocking him. Replays the argument on loop, your words first, that barb about his humanity that hit like a gut punch, then his retaliation. Sharper. Crueler.
He skips meetings. Snaps at Luke and Kieran over nothing,
"Get out. Now."
until they slink away exchanging worried glances. Mephisto brings him reports from your side of the city, but he waves them off. Doesn't want to know. Can't bear it.
Nights are endless. He lies in the bed you shared, sheets still faintly scented with you, and stares at the ceiling. Imagines every worst case: you deciding he's right, that you don't belong. You finding someone softer, safer. Or worse, you getting hurt in Linkon because he's not there to pull you back.
He drinks more. Eats less. Paces until the carpets wear thin. One night, he punches the heavy bag in his gym until his knuckles split, not healing them with evol, letting the pain ground him. Like his punishment.
Regret coils tighter. He knows he should give you space, you're not one to be crowded but every day without you feels like drowning in his own isolation. Everything he has means nothing without you there with him.
A week later, he cracks. Sends Mephisto with a small box: your favorite earrings, the ones you left behind.
You keep them. Don't wear them.
A few days later, a delivery. Rare protocore from the N109 Zone, the kind the associationโs been looking for.
You set it on your desk. Stare at it for hours.
Eventually, he shows up himself.
Not at your door. Outside your building, leaning against his motorcycle in the storm. Eyes shadowed like he hasn't slept in weeks.
You spot him from the window and your heart clenches.
He doesn't look up. He waits. Hands in pockets. Shoulders hunched against the downpour.
You grab an umbrella and step out.
He straightens when he sees you. Doesn't move closer. Lets the rain soak him further.
"You look like hell," you say. Voice neutral.
He huffs a laugh, short and self deprecating. "Feel like it too."
Silence stretches. Rain patters on your umbrella.
"I was wrong," he says finally, his voice is low. "What I said... it was inexcusable. I was hurt, your words cut deeper than I let on and I lashed out. Hit where I knew it would wound you most. I shouldnโt have."
You say anything.
He runs a hand through wet hair. "You're not weak. Or lost. You're the strongest person I know, walking into my world without flinching, standing up to me when no one else would. And keeping up? Kitten, you set the pace. I wouldn't have survived that ambush without you. Wouldn't want to."
His voice cracks the smallest bit. "I gave you space because I know that's what you need. But these days... they've been empty. I built all that I have thinking it would be enough. It's not. Not without you."
You step closer. Umbrella covering you both now.
"Why should I come back?" Whispered.
"Because I need you." Simple. "Youโre what keeps me tied to this world. I wouldnโt want to be human if it wasnโt for you."
He reaches out. Hesitates. Drops his hand.
"I'm sorry," he breathes. "For every word. For letting you walk away. For not chasing sooner."
You remain silent.
But you tilt the umbrella more over him. Let your free hand find his, itโs cold and trembling.
He exhales. Pulls you close slowly. Forehead to yours. Rain mixing with the salt on his cheeks.
"Missed you," he murmurs. "More than I thought possible."
You stay like that for a while. Rain slowing. Him holding you like you're the only anchor he has.
Later, inside your apartment, he doesn't push for more. Just sits with you on the couch, hand in yours, talking quietly about the days apart. His fears and yours.
Because without you, he's just a facade. And he hates how close he came to shattering it for good.
CALEB
Youโd just come back from a solo mission, nothing catastrophic. A few bruises, singed sleeve, but you handled it.
Caleb was waiting at your apartment. Not unusual. Heโs been doing it more lately, showing up unannounced with takeout, or coffee, or just himself. Always with that same easy smile. Always checking you over like you might vanish if he looks away too long.
Tonight, though, the smile is tighter. Heโs already spotted the burn mark on your arm before you even close the door.
โYou didnโt call,โ he says.
โI didnโt need to.โ You drop your gear bag. Head for the kitchen to grab water. โIt was routine. Iโm fine.โ
He follows. Leans in the doorway. Arms crossed. โRoutine still means wanderers. You couldโve at least texted when you were clear.โ
You exhale through your nose. โCaleb, Iโm not a kid anymore. I donโt need to check in every time I step outside.โ
His jaw flexes. โIโm not asking you to check in like a child. Iโm asking you to remember there are people who-โ He stops. Starts again. โPeople who worry. People whoโve already lost too much.โ
The undercurrent is there. Always is. The explosion. The time apart. The way he came back different, harder, carrying ghosts you canโt see but can feel. Youโve talked about it. Youโve held each other through the nightmares. You thought you were past the part where he treats you like fragile glass.
Apparently not.
โI know you worry,โ you say, softer. Trying to deescalate. โBut Iโm not helpless. Iโve been doing this job for ages without-โ
โWithout me?โ he finishes. Voice low. โYeah. I know. And look how well that turned out.โ
You freeze. Water bottle halfway to your mouth.
He keeps going. Like the dam broke and he canโt stop the flood. โYou keep acting like you donโt need anyone. Like you can just charge ahead and handle everything alone. But you canโt. Not really. You never could. Thatโs why you always end up hurt. Thatโs why you always need someone to pull you out. And if you wonโt let it be me-โ His voice cracks, just once. โthen fine. Keep pretending youโre invincible. Keep pretending you donโt need protecting. But donโt expect me to stand by and watch you break yourself again just to prove a point to me.โ
Heโs rejecting the one thing youโve fought tooth and nail to build since Granโs house burned down: your independence. Your ability to stand on your own. The quiet pride you carry that show you survived. You grew up. You donโt need saving anymore.
And in his eyes, in the heat of fear and frustration, that pride is delusional. Childish. Something you cling to because you canโt accept reality: that youโre still the little girl who needs him to keep her safe. That youโll always be dependent. That without his protection, youโre justโฆ waiting to fall apart again.
Your throat closes with something colder, something final.
You set the water bottle down.
โDonโt,โ you say. Voice barely above a whisper. โDonโt talk to me like Iโm still ten years old and hiding under the table during a storm.โ
He flinches. Opens his mouth.
You shake your head. โIโm done being the person you have to save. If thatโs all I am to youโฆ then I donโt want to be here at all.โ
You walk past him. Grab your keys. Coat. Phone.
He reaches for your wrist. Gentle and pleading. โWait-โ
You pull away.
The door closes behind you with a soft click.
You donโt go far. Just a friendโs place across the city. Crash on their couch. Turn your phone to Do Not Disturb.
You stay gone for days.
Caleb doesnโt bombard you. Thatโs not his way.
But he breaks in slow motion.
He sits in your empty apartment for hours. Doesnโt turn on the lights. Just stares at the spot on the couch where you usually curl against him.
He knows itโs not true. Knows youโve pulled yourself out of worse than he has. Knows youโve saved him more times than heโs saved you lately.
He doesnโt sleep.
The next day he flies back to base. Tries to bury himself in work. Fails. Snaps at subordinates over nothing. Gets sent home early.
He leaves a small paper bag in your apartment. Inside is a tiny plush airplane. The one he won for you at arcades when you were kids. Faded tag still reads โTo my co pilot.โ
You cry then. Quietly. Into the plush.
Nights get worse for him.
He stops going to the fleet. Stays in your room in his apartment instead. Sits on your bed. Holds your pillow like itโs you.
After a week he canโt wait anymore.
He waits outside your place. This time in the morning light. Clean uniform. Shaved. Eyes hollow but steady.
You step out for coffee and see him.
โIโm sorry,โ he says. Voice rough from disuse. โI was wrong. Every word. Youโre not weak. Youโve never been weak. Youโve carried more than anyone should have to, and you did it without me for years. I had no right to make you feel small just because Iโm terrified of losing you again.โ
You donโt speak.
He keeps going. โI donโt want you to need me. I want you to choose me. Even when you donโt need saving. Even when youโre stronger than I am. I want to stand beside you, not in front of you. And I failed at that. Badly.โ
Silence.
Then, quieter: โIโll give you more time if thatโs what you need. I wonโt push. But I need you to know, Iโm not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me to leave for good.โ
You look at him.
See the shadows under his eyes. The way his hands tremble just slightly. The way heโs holding himself like he might shatter if you walk away again.
You step forward.
Close enough that he can smell your shampoo. Close enough that he stops breathing.
โIโm still angry,โ you say softly.
โI know.โ
You reach up. Touch his cheek. He grabs your wrist and leans into your touch more.
โBut I missed you,โ you whisper.
His eyes close. A shaky exhale.
You step into him then. Let him wrap his arms around you. Careful. Reverent. Like heโs afraid youโll disappear.
He buries his face in your hair. โIโm sorry,โ his voice is soft.
You hold him tighter.
Later, back in your apartment, he doesnโt try to fix everything in one night. Just sits with you. Talks. Listens. Lets you set boundaries.
No more showing up unannounced without asking.
No more assuming you need rescuing.
Just partnership.
He still worries. He always will.
But now he channels it differently; quiet support. Pride in your strength. Standing at your six instead of blocking your path.
And every time you come home safe from a mission, he greets you with that same easy smile, only now itโs softer. Grateful.
Because you chose to come back.
And heโll spend the rest of his life making sure you never regret it.
when you shut down after sylus calls you clingy, he tries to make it up to you..
it wasn't often that sylus messed up. he was always so precise, ready for anything and everything that came his way.
that was why when he did mess up, he knew exactly what went wrong, and he was certain he had done the worst thing possible.
it was meant to be a joke. a playful jest, the way he usually would as he smiled that smug grin and called you "a clingy kitten".
but you hadn't laughed at him, hadn't shoved at his chest with that cute pout as you tried to defend your honor. no, what you did was far worse.
shut down. you had shut down on him, and he didn't know what to do about it.
where you would usually be clung to his side, you were distant. where you would talk his ear off, you were silent.
and it was driving him nuts.
every attempt he made at getting close to you, you pulled away. every attempt to talk to you, you were short with him.
he couldn't put up with this for much longer. so of course, he devised a plan.
you got an urgent text from the twins telling you that something terrible had happened to sylus, and of course it sent you into a panic. rushing your way to onichynus, you burst your way into the base with a gasp. "what happened?? where is he??-"
"in his room!" luke provided, moving out of your way.
"he's resting!" kieran added, and only after you were well out of earshot did they start laughing. "oh, boss is gonna get her so good!"
you burst into his room, gasping for air as you looked around. "sy? sylus-"
when you saw him laying on the bed, stock still, his eyes shut, barely breathing, you couldn't help but panic. you rushed to his side, checking his pulse, his breathing, his temperature, everything to get a grasp on what happened to him. "oh goodness, sy-"
when your hand neared his neck to check his pulse, there was a swift movement before you were suddenly pulled onto his chest. you blinked in surprise, looking up to find him perfectly fine, a smile on his lips.
"wh- were you just pretending?-"
"finally," he breathed, cutting you off as he buried his face in your hair. "finally you talk to me."
you blinked in surprise, eyes flaring as you looked up at him. "what the hell, sylus?-"
"you weren't going to talk to me otherwise." he mumbled, leaning in to breathe in your scent. "so i had to resort to drastic measures. forgive me this once, my darling."
you trembled in his arms, gently pressing against his chest. "i thought you didn't like when i clung to you-"
"not at all." he sighed, looking down at you with a frown. "it's the exact opposite, sweetie. i want you to cling to me. i want you in my space. i'm sorry if it came across that way, because i didn't intend it to."
as your eyes welled with tears, he kissed your forehead, a warm smile on his lips. "take up all the space you want with me, kitten. i promise i'm more than happy to oblige you anytime."
warnings - Toji plays LADS and falls for you pulling for Sylus cards on twitch hehe,explicit sex, p in v sex, masturbation, cumshots, creampies, filming it, mating press, oral (m and f receiving) obsessed Toji - 3k wc
pornstar! toji who is of course known as 'daddy' by the porn industry, the girls all line up to fuck him, especially once they see just what his mouth can do. Toji was nothing if not competitive, so he makes sure when he's sharing a costar to lick her a little longer, to fuck her a little harder, shove his cock so deep there's no 'acting for the cameras' no, they're creaming, squirting or dripping for him on and off set.
pornstar! toji loves easy money, why wouldn't he? What's easier than making girls cum, he's always been good at it, there's no question about that. The industry welcomed him and his chiseled body and thick, veiny cock with open arms, just as all the women welcomed him with spread thighs, mouths open, tongues out. He loved to finish right on a pretty star's face, spurts of hot liquid just pulsing from his reddened tip, smirking just a bit in the cameras as it catches the 'money shot'.
pornstar! toji doesn't really watch porn, as he's always around it, and it's not actually his thing. Many would be surprised to know Toji would take a good audio JOI over visual, or sometimes he just enjoys to read some filthy smut - not that he ever lets people know that of course, he has a bit of a reputation to uphold! Another secret he can't let be known is his fascination with an otome game purely due to the story line at first, and then the pretty live streamer.
pornstar! toji was mortified at first, how can he romance 'men' when he loves pussy? Well the battle tactics were so good, he couldn't stop himself from getting into it a bit, and the story lines were good okay!? He gets shit on from Gojo, Geto and Sukuna when he plays on set, and they hear the telltale music, but really they can fuck off, considering he can outlast all of them despite being older. Yet, it's not just the game that's got him obsessed... it's you.
pornstar! toji found your livestream because he just sure wasn't spending that much money on a card, and you were getting donations the entire stream, giggling as you drew the cards, smile making him ache. That's when he starts typing, and you react in the stream, reading his name that he's too old to change - so it literally says 'pornstar toji'. You giggle and love his chats, soon he's donating to you, excessively, a hundred here, three hundred here, and ends up hanging out in your chats, in your discords, you start looking forward to him too.
pornstar! toji almost died when you say his name the first time, 'Toji! Ah, you're here, I'm excited!' you have these cute little pink cat earphones on, leaned back in your bright pink gamer chair, you're just fucking adorable, and he can't help but start to picture how good it would feel to fucking ruin you. But can he, ruin a sweet streamer, even as she's sipping on her little drink, lips wrapping that straw and making him ache? He starts to touch himself just watching you light up and get your memories, lose your battles so bad you just go on auto, he can't help but leak milky pre when you giggle and say his name again and again.
pornstar! toji thinks of you, the pretty LADS streamer even when he's got a girl bent over, his hands wrapping around her as he pounds his cock, turning her face to him and then faltering right on set. Somehow he imagined you, your pretty face, your sweet little gasps as his cock pounds you, he shuts his eyes for a moment and then leans back, grabbing her hips, cock moving in and out of her underneath that latex. He's never off his game, never a day in his life, but for some reason he's just a little thrown off, he can't cum or make that money shot.
pornstar! toji is frustratedly jerking one of his huge hands up and down his cock, trying to get close after having excused himself, but he can't even get close until he pulls up the stream from last night, and hears your voice - 'oh, Toji you're so sweet, you didn't have to superchat that much!' - and that's what gets Toji close, when you're freaking out over a Sylus card you got and gasping out and his mossy green eyes flutter shut he can just picture it, being inside you, stretching your pretty cunt out, filling you up, ruining you for anyone ever. The thoughts are too much, overtaking his every day ones, even making fucking breakfast he can't stop picturing your thighs spread wide on his marble counter.
pornstar! toji starts to become more obsessed, in fact you're all he can think about, he cancels his next set because you're doing a live stream and he can't miss it, losing out on money and spending it on you, what the fuck is going on? Yet Toji is the first one, and you're all alone, when you lean forward a bit, and you sit the mic firmly against your head, smiling at the camera. 'Did some research,' Toji flushes a bit at that, the way you look at him through the screen as he holds the phone in his hand almost delicately, lovingly having you in his palm. 'You're famous, and I was so clueless, that's so cool.' He chuckles a bit and types out - 'gotta keep a low profile, doll' - to you, making you heat up at the memories of what you watched a bit of last night.
pornstar! toji doesn't realize you'd touched yourself to him, you thought at first you'd just be curious, but how could you not be soaking wet watching him put a costar in a full Nelson and fuck her senseless? You didn't even think that was a real position, suddenly you felt so nervous and intimate talking to him, maybe you loved it already when he said your outfits were cute, maybe you already enjoyed him so much, giddy every time he threw in a quiet comment, but you truly thought he was kidding with the name, even now you're so sure that it can't be actually him. 'Your secret is safe with me,' you murmur softly, going to the stream and trying not to bite that lip to death with how needy you feel, imagining him picking you up and just fucking throwing you around like he does.
pornstar! toji was worried you'd not like him if he told you, it's nonsense as you're a streamer and he's a pornstar, it's not like you're dating, but also what a dream if you ever would want to. Toji's not like this, not at all actually, he's not a romantic or someone filled with nonsense, yet every day he thinks of you more and more. There's no event for a week so he doesn't see you, and he hesitates before privately writing you, sure you're going to think he's a weirdo, he is almost forty and a seasoned star after all, and he's sure you get hit on alot, but he just... wants to know you're good, and perhaps that scares him more. But you respond, with a fucking selfie, as if to just torture him.
pornstar! toji cancels his next set to talk to you via discord all day, him the top star with a book and list of exclusive shows, but how can he do that when he's grinning like a high school Toji in puppy love!? When he sends a pic back and it's fuzzy and out of focus, you can't help but giggle yourself, cancelling all your plans too, because you can't help but be enamored. When you call him, though? Toji panics, staring at it like it's an accident, palm sweaty - him, who has no problem being in a gang bang vid, who jerks it on livestream to thousands, he's shy to speak to you. At the last moment, his thumb hovers, and you say a shy little 'hey' which is enough to just destroy him completely.
pornstar! toji murmurs back a 'hey doll,' and you recognize the voice from the videos, a blushing mess now as you nibble on your thumb. 'Toji, you're... really great at it, at um... your career?' he chuckles then, leaned back and shutting his eyes, picturing you in his mind. 'Yeah, ya enjoy my work, huh? You seem so sweet and... innocent, a good girl, but you're not are you?' that's when it gets quiet, and you let out a little whimper. Toji pauses, narrowing his eyes, staring into the phone like he misheard, but then you do it again. 'You're touching yourself to m'voice, huh doll? you're that slutty?' No one has ever talked to you like that, the gruff voice degrading you fucks you up, he hits daddy issues you didn't even know you had and you can't help what comes tumbling out of your mouth. 'come visit me.'
pornstar! toji is on a plane that fucking night, you're a few hours worth of a flight away, and it's well worth it when he rides in the back of the car to your place, and you nervously open the door. Seeing you in person for the first time, you thought it would be awkward, thought you'd be nervous, opening it wide and inviting him inside, but it's anything but that. Toji steps in like he owns the place, towering six foot plus over everything, broad shoulders nearly taking over your little door way. You inhale his musky scent as he walks in, shutting that door behind you, leaning low. 'Why don't you be a good girl, and get on your knees f'me?'
pornstar! toji pulls his leaky cock out as you do just that, sinking to your knees, your cute little top and white pleated skirt slipping up the plush of your thighs, obediently listening as he tilts your chin up. 'What if I'm... not as good as...' he pauses you then, thumb pressing between your lips, shaking his head. 'Doll, just open that pretty mouth, huh?' you obey, earning another good girl, there you go that makes you tremble, wondering how insane you are for this, but when you taste his salty precum on your tongue, swirling it around the ridge of his tip, earning his moan? You're past thinking, especially when his head rests on the door, and his huge hands hold your face in place. 'Gonna make sure your throat knows my shape'
pornstar! toji fucks into your throat, feeling you gag and choke, tears leaking from your eyes as his pre drips down your tight little throat, you're rocking back and forth against his leg, soaking him and making him throb. 'suckin' me so well too,' your throat is tightening around him in response to his husky praise, he groans now, so sensitive like he's never been. Toji can go forever, but just looking down at your pretty eyes glittering with a sheen of tears and feeling you gulping him is enough to make him bust, he has to try to hold back, brushing your hair almost tenderly. 'that's it, doll, you're perfect f'me, aren't you?' You're trembling, overwhelmed, but you don't stop, your hands gripping his thighs for balance, your nails digging into his thighs over his jeans, and that's when he pulls out, letting you gasp for air, spit and tears smeared across your face.
pornstar! toji whispers then - 'God doll, look at ya, doing such a good job' his praise makes you tremble, as he drags a thumb over your swollen lips, ones he hasn't kissed yet that are smeared with his precum and your drool. He helps you up then, turning you and kneeling, slipping your panties down your thighs, smirking as he sees them. 'Ya got Sylus on your panties?' you giggle, coughing just a bit and looking down, nodding. 'You're devoted, huh?' he slips them down to your ankle, right over a pretty pink little Mary Jane, groaning at how fucking cute you are. 'You look this cute all for me?' you bite down on your lip, hands entangling in his hair when he spins you back around, kissing hungrily up your thigh. 'I love when you tell me my outfit is cute,' you admit, so adorable and blushing, he kisses up your thighs, teeth sinking into the plush of one, moaning then. 'All of you is perfect, f-fuck look at this cunt, drippin' and I haven't even touched it? Slutty little pussy.'
pornstar! toji soon devours that pretty cunt in his face with filthy flicks of a long tongue, his sounds are lewd as he worships you on his knees, huge hands grabbing your hips and lifting you up, until you're just off the floor, thighs on other side of his head. You gasp out - 'T-toji! You can't...' he just grins against your cunt, your hands entangling in those inky locks. 'Oh you're so cute, doll, I'm gonna have so much fun ruining you,' he sucks your twitchy little clit in his hot, filthy mouth, humming on it. 'Toji!' you're screaming out as his chin drips from your soppy little hole spasming, his mouth vibrating better than any toy you've ever had, and you just let go, letting him hold you like you're nothing, shaking and arching your back, eyes rolling back in your skull.
pornstar! toji can't get enough of you, your sweet cunt just pouring, fuck he's never tasted anything better, and he's damn sure his career is ruined once he's sipping you up, his life is over on his knees, worshipping your cunt like he's praying at a fucking altar, relishing in every flick and hum until you shatter. And fuck you're beautiful when you do, going so slack he has to completely hold you up, pressing messy kisses on your clit while holding your plump lips apart, groaning against you. Toji stands right with you, throwing you around like you are a doll, about to let you know that you're a career ender, when you murmur - 'what about doing a vid with me on cam' all fucked out and dizzy.
pornstar! toji smirks now, cupping your face, kissing you with your juices as your legs wrap his hips. 'Ya wanna be a star, huh doll? well I can, but you'll only be my star, can you be that f'me?' you nod eagerly, lost in him before you've even had his cock and soon Toji is helping you set it up, being careful to block out your face just in case you change your mind, you realize how sweet he is even as he's folding you in half in a mating press, running the drooling tip of his cock between your soppy folds. 'I'm gonna fill you up so full, till you're drippin' me out on stream'
pornstar! toji makes good on that promise, he doesnโt tease your pretty little cunt long, just enough to study your pretty face, thumb brushing over your cheek reverently. He doesn't say it yet - but he's down fucking bad, in love with you, the moment his cock enters your tight little cunt. He gives you just an inch until you cry out 'more!' and then Toji gives you just that, slamming into you with one brutal thrust, filling you completely. The stretch burns, and you cry out at first, he lets you adjust for just a moment before lifting you up higher, knees damn near against the mattress, bottoming out with his tip against your cervix, you whine out weakly and your eyes lock for just a moment. 'Am I gonna be your only star?' you ask softly, he groans then, kissing you and pulling back to smile, that little scar on his lip stretching, still glossy from your cunt. 'You already are.'
pornstar! toji makes sure to get your best angles, you've been thinking of doing videos with your fan base growing, but never did you truly think of it until Toji Fushiguro. He pumps you so full of his thick, veiny cock, as the little ring light stand with your camera captures every thrust, but it doesn't capture how he cups your face, how he murmurs your name softly. It doesn't get to see how your fingers entwine at that angle, no it gets his heavy balls smacking your ass while arousal all creamy just gushes down it in pulses, but it doesn't see your little giggle or his big grin. When he asks if he can cum inside you beg for it, so eager it sends him, filling you and groaning so loud no one's ever heard him make noise like that, easing out and eyeing it then the mess you've made.
pornstar! toji uses his tip to gather that milky cum, pushing it back into you again, but he cuts the cameras soon, kissing you and making you writhe underneath him, kissing across your pretty breasts, lost in you. The next morning you wake up littered in marks from his hungry mouth, with him snoring next to you in your bed. You're nervous, but he wakes up with a smile, murmuring - 'ain't the Raf event today? Lemme stream with you.'
pornstar! toji and you are a match made in heaven, as you're pulling for cards thanks to the insane money you all made last night, and Toji's down there between your thighs where the stream can't be, lapping up your pretty, abused hole. 'R-raf come home for me,' you murmur out on the stream, while Toji grins up between your thighs, thumb running circles on your clit. 'He's my main,' Toji murmurs softly, and you can't help but cut off stream for a little 'break' and kiss your new pornstar boyfriend.
this was based on baby you're a star toji!! hehe this was so funnn and went too long for but I hope ya'll enjoyeddd - he may need his own damn oneshot AT LEAST!!!
zayne dry humping you when you're ovulating.
cw. MDNI! explicit content
"ngh just the tip zayneee."
"no."
you whine, thighs quivering in need. still, his thrusts don't stop. his cock glides over your slippery folds, teasing your throbbing clit
"one of us has to stay sane to avoid the consequences." he retorts, rubbing his tip to your sopping entrance but never quite slipping in.
"asshole." you groan in frustration. he lets out a small laugh.
"forgive me." his lips find your nipple, closing around it in apology. the moan you let out is borderline pornographic, earning you a deep suckle and a hum of approval from him. your back arches, grinding involuntarily against his insanely thick cock.
"how is this fair?" you yank him up by his hair. he lets go of your nipple with a soft whimper.
"i wish it were, darling." he tilts his head to kiss the inside of your wrist, making you ease your grip. "but you do keep pulling every condom off me."
you bite the inside of your cheek. "...true."
he angles his cock to nestle between your syrupy lips, hips moving again to rub deliciously against your clit. your cunt pathetically pulses around emptiness, oozing out sweet honey.
"you'll give it to me next week." you demand.
"understood." he murmurs, tongue sticking out to circle your nipple before pulling it back in his mouth.
"raw."
"...raw." he repeats, ears turning red. the words vibrate around your nub.
"and you'll come inside me." another drag of his cock between your folds.
his teeth scrape over your nipple. "i won't leave you wanting."
your boyfriend was never good at controlling himself around you. even if you two were merely kissing, he couldnโt fight off the enormous boner he got within a matter of seconds.
and this time was no different.
his hand was caressed under your head, the other already clawing your shirt off. it had hardly been five minutes, but he already turned you into a blushing, dripping, whimpering mess under him.
โhaahโcanโt...we canโt...โ you softly whine as you try to push him away, hands gripping onto his sides in hopes of stopping him, but he holds your waist tightly, keeping you in place while he rutted against your wet, clothed cunt.
although it was dark in the room, you could make out every feature of his face. his eyes lock onto yours, his pupils blown wide with lust, making your protests die in your throat.
โbut youโre soaking wet...and yโfeel so good on me,โ your boyfriend mumbles against your mouth, bunching your soft sleep shirt around your armpits. it didn't matter if there were no condoms to use; he didn't want to stop.
even with such little fabric separating you two, every inch of his girth was pressed right against your soaking wet folds. his dick was so close to where it was needed, and you were practically panting at this point, back arched so far off the bed your boyfriend felt he needed to hold you so you wouldnโt hurt it. โj..just the tip, okay...โ
you knew that was all the confirmation it took for him because it was no more than three seconds before his boxers were down to his thighs and pushing your panties to the side.
โjust the tip.โ he echoed back to you, and he wasted no time. with a slow, gentle thrust, he sank just the head into your warm, wet pussy. as promised, it was just the first two inches, but oh my god, heโs so big that you couldโve sworn he pushed it all in.
you mewl, which mingles with a strangled groan from your boyfriend as your walls clench and twitch around his swollen cockhead. your hips buck upwards inadvertently, making him slip in a bit further.
โshitโcanโt do it,โ he shakes his head, hugging your torso against him tightly in weak restraint. you were about to tell him not to go any further, but then he thrusts forward suddenly, causing you to shriek instead. his first thrust was accompanied by several more and small whispers of โsorry, baby,โ as he continued to pound into your pretty cunt.
being married to your childhood sweetheart should be the pinnacle of happiness in your lifeโฆ but when he returns from the war, he is no longer the man you once knewโchanged, distant, a stranger with familiar face. will you attain your true love in this lifetime?
genre/warnings:
18+ suggestive contentโminors do not interact!โangst, childhood friends to lovers, arranged marriage, jealousy, fluff, explicit smut, hurt/comfort, lady!reader and lord!zayne, based on zayne' card entwined kites
notes:
the allure of lord zayne... yeah, that, prince rafayel and some angsty dose is the plot <3 tagging @hachisenshi @cherrywinetuscany @rjreins @redrookrising as per request
Lady of Anlan.
For years, that title was not something you covet. When you were first promised to Zayne, he had neither titles or rankโjust a humble son of a small lord with a big heart and shy smile.
But you fell in love with him with such ease, as he did too for you.
And yet, that honorable title fell into your hands the moment you married him, now better known as the Lord of Anlanโ
A man who is not the gentle boy you once knew. He was now cold, detached, and unwilling to spare you even a trace of the warmth he once showed so freely.
It was such a stark contrast that you were left reeling. Six months into your marriage, reality bore little resemblance to the life you had once imagined.
You had once thought your home with Zayne would be warm with laughter, shared meals, and soft conversations lingering late into the nightโa place that breathed with comfort simply because the two of you were in it together.
Instead, the halls of the grand mansion granted by the emperor were coldโspacious, immaculate, and lonely.
โMy lady, here.โ
The voice startled you out of your daydream, snapping you back to focus as your handmaiden, Yvonne, wrapped the shawl around you.
Oh, right. Today you were accompanying your lord husband for his audience with the emperor.
. . .
The journey to the palace was smooth. You sat demurely within your palanquin, lulled by the steady rhythm of the horsesโ steps. Now and then, Zayneโs voice carried through the air as he issued clipped commands to his troops.
And before you knew it, your entourage had arrived at the royal palace. The palanquin doors swung open, and the first thing you saw was your husbandโs stoic expression.
โMy lady,โ he muttered, grayish hazel eyes stern, offering his hand to you to assist you out.
Your heart pricked at the sight before you. Zayne had always been steadfastโbut before all this, he was never rigidly formal with you like this.
โOne dayโฆ I will become the greatest general in the land. Will you wait for me until then?โ
The memory rose then: a younger Zayne, red-faced, thrusting a jasmine flower into your hands as he stumbled through his confession. It made your chest ache even more.
The things he saw in the wars turned him into this version before you, you believed. Maybe, to him now, the tenderness you once shared during your childhood no longer held any meaning at all.
You took his hand.
โThank you, my lord,โ you replied with equal stiffness, gripping his hand. You didnโt dare look at him while he led you forward.
Yet you still took comfort in one thingโhis hold over your hand never wavered, not even as the two of you came to stand before the emperor himself. It was only when he had to let go of you that he did.
โWhat a pleasing sight it is to see you, Lord of Anlan!โ
The emperor was headstrong yet a jolly individual. From his elevated dais, he greeted the two of you with open warmth. Zayne answered with a restrained bow, and you quickly followed his lead.
The emperorโs attention then shifted to you. โAnd I trust the Lady of Anlan has been well?โ
โI am well, Your Majesty,โ you replied, fixing a polite smile in place. โThank you.โ
However, you had a feeling that the emperor didnโt actually care about you at all, as the way his sharp gaze lingered on you sent an uncomfortable chill down your spine each time.
He soon turned his attention back to Zayne, and the two spoke at length about matters concerning the fief. Thenโ
โIs something troubling you, Your Majesty?โ Zayne asked, putting on a mask of a concerned subject.
โOh, yesโyes,โ the emperor said with a faux chuckle. โThere is something that has been bothering me...โ
โAnd what might that be?โ
โWell, the princess royal is still in search of a husband. Itโs giving me a headache as she insists on someone just like youโฆ Itโs such a pity you turned down my proposal back then, Lord of Anlan...โ
You could feel his hot stare on you, and he continued, โHad you accepted the princessโ hand, you would be part of the royal family by now.โ
You clenched your fists. It was not the first time this had been mentioned, and each time it was brought up, it always left a bitter taste in your mouth. Zayne had indeed refused a royal marriage decree and chosen you insteadโbut did he somehow regret that choice that it left him cold and distant to you all this time?
If soโฆ why hadnโt he broken off his betrothal with you back then?
. . .
By the emperorโs command, both you and Zayne were to remain in Yunshao for a timeโresiding within the imperial palace itself.
The two of you were showed to your temporary chambers, and the moment you stepped inside, you let out a sigh. Behind you, Zayne paused, noticing your weariness.
โAre you tired?โ he asked.
You opened your mouth to answer, but the words halted. And in that hesitation, something in your expression must have betrayed you.
โYou look unwell,โ he observed, tone thoughtful. โIf the travel has strained you, I will have the physician summoned.โ
โThat isnโt necessary,โ you replied quickly. โI am fine.โ
The silence stretched. He was watching youโnot coldly, not warmly either, simply assessing. Then, as if deciding something, he spoke again.
โI will be entertaining the princess royal shortly,โ Zayne said, his voice returning to that familiar, careful neutrality. โHer Highness has arranged for it. It would be improper to refuse.โ
The princess, again. The woman who had once sought him as a husband never seemed to miss an opportunity to summon him whenever he was within palace walls. Lowering your gaze, you were silently irked.
โDo youโฆ have to go?โ You asked before you could stop yourself.
โYes.โ
A default, logical answer. You had expected this but somehow your heart still hurt regardless.
โI see,โ you murmured, the words felt hollow even to your own ears.
Zayne didn't linger. As he turned and walked toward the door, his steps were quiet.
And the space between you suddenly felt wider than the vast halls outside your door.
The palace was a world of its ownโlavish courtyards, lotus ponds glimmering beneath carved bridges. Servants moved like shadows, each bowing, each whispering, each watching.
Yet none of those gazes ever lingered on you for long.
You were the Lady of Anlan, yesโbut not a lady of imperial blood. In a place where lineage was currency, you were a mere generalโs wife. Polite smiles were given, greetings exchanged, but you passed through the palace halls like a quiet breeze.
Zayne, meanwhile, was constantly summonedโcouncils, briefings, private audiences. You saw him only at night, and even then not much that could be talked about.
And so, you learned to occupy yourself quietly. Reading beneath shaded pavilions. Feeding the koi in still waters. Watching the sky shift from pale gold to indigo behind tiled rooftops.
It was during one such day that the palace stirred with unusual excitementโan envoy had arrived from Zhaole.
It was Zhaoleโs prince himself who had come to negotiate trade routes. You paid it little mind at first as foreign politics had nothing to do with you... until you were summoned to attend the audience.
You stood at your designated place within the grand hall, slightly behind and to the right of Zayne, when the doors opened.
โHis Highness, Prince Rafayel of Zhaole, has arrived!โ
Silk banners bearing unfamiliar insignias unfurled as the entourage entered. At its center walked a man whose presence seemed to bend the air around him.
Prince Rafayel was clad in white robes embroidered with cerulean and gold-threaded waves, the fabric flowing like water with every step. His long purple hair and porcelain-like skin were striking. Exceptionally refined and handsome. There was something artful about him, like a masterpiece aware of its own beauty.
His eyes swept across the hall lazily at firstโmeasuring ministers, skimming over the servantsโ
And then they stopped. On you.
For a fleeting second, you wondered if you were mistaken. But noโhis gaze sharpened, as though he had found something unexpectedly intriguing among a sea of expected faces.
And a second later, he smiledโat you, before he resumed his walk.
The prince came to a halt before the dais and offered a bow for the emperor.
โI bring greetings from Zhaole,โ he said smoothly, his voice clear as a plucked string. โI am Rafayel. I trust Yunshaoโs hospitality will not disappoint.โ
The emperor responded with booming warmth, welcoming him to the court. Formalities were exchanged. Polite laughter followed.
But you would never expect what would he do next.
As the formal greetings concluded, Rafayelโs gaze suddenly shifted towards where you stood beside Zayne.
โMy apologies,โ Rafayel said lightly, tilting his head with deliberate curiosity. โI do not believe I have been introduced to the lady standing beside the esteemed Lord of Anlan.โ
The hall grew quieter. You felt Zayneโs posture stiffen imperceptibly, and youโcaught beneath the weight of the princeโs attentionโfound yourself momentarily at a loss.
The emperor chuckled. โAh... that is the Lady of Anlan.โ
Rafayel stepped forward, not too close to breach decorum, but close enough for both your and your husbandโs discomfort.
Up close, his smile softened, eyes gleaming faintly.
โOh, Lady of Anlan...โ he repeated, as though tasting the title. Then, inclining his head toward you in a gesture that was respectful, yet strangely personal, he said, โIt is a pleasure, madam.โ
And that was how you went from being overlooked to the subject of every whisper within the imperial palace.
โHeyโฆ did you see what happened earlier?โ
That evening, the palace held a banquet in honor of Zhaoleโs prince.
The grand hall was transformed beneath the glow of lanterns. Music drifted softly through the air, accompanied by the quiet murmur of noble voices and the occasional ripple of laughter.
โThe imperial prince of Zhaoleโ he specifically greeted the Lady of Anlan!โ
And yet, Zayne wasnโt amused in the slightest.
It was one thing for his wife to become the subject of palace whispersโthat alone was enough to draw attention he did not welcome. But it was another thing entirely to realize that his wife had caught the interest of a royal prince.
Zayne didnโt show it openly. His expression remained as composed as ever, but throughout the night, the faint crease between his brows lingered longer than usual, and his gaze would settle on you often.
It was most probably nothing, he told himself. A passing curiosity. A princeโs fleeting amusement in a foreign court.
Across the hall, you stood beneath the lanternlightโradiant without trying. You, his childhood sweetheart, had always been a dear to him.
After he was done conversing with an official, he made his way towards you.
โMy lady,โ he greeted quietly. You jolted at the sound of his voice, turning to face him.
โMy lord,โ you replied.
Once, you had called his name freely, whenever you wanted. You would tug at his sleeve, demanded his attention, laughed without restraint. Zayne didnโt like this formality between you, honestly.
โTake a respite if you are tired,โ he said then, mostly out of concern. โYou have always disliked attending banquets.โ
You let out a quiet sigh. โAnd you have always endured these far better than I ever could.โ
When had your relationship become this strained? There had been no single argument that shattered everything. No cruel words spoken in anger that could not be taken back.
Only distance. Distance that crept in so quietly neither of you had noticed until it was already too late.
Zayne inhaled slowly. He didnโt want to say it, but he couldnโt remain silent eitherโ and so he did:
โโฆDonโt get too close to the Prince of Zhaole.โ
You frowned faintly, seemingly not taking his words well. โWhat are you implying?โ
โI am saying,โ he began slowly, โthat you should not allow his attention to draw you in.โ
However, contrary to your usually docile demeanor, your expression hardened immediately.
โIโm not so naive.โ
โI didnโt say you were.โ
For a moment, you simply stared at him. And then, you pulled back slightly, your chin lifting. โYou speak as though Iโm incapable of judging character for myself.โ
That was not what Zayne was getting at at all, but you were already irate. โI donโtโโ
โYou entertain the princess, a woman who tried to make you her husband,โ you went on, eyes sharp. โSo tell me, why is it acceptable for youโฆ but not me?โ
Zayne held your gaze. For a moment, neither of you spoke. The music swelled faintly around you, but the air around you felt cold.
There was a lot he wanted to say. That you were not meant for another manโs curiosity. That you are reserved for him only. That to him, you were precious more than anything.
But he knew better than to say it aloud, because you already looked at him with resentment.
โTake care of yourself.โ He finally left you with those parting words.
He had never been a man of excessive affection or one to indulge in sweet words. Love, he believed, was best proven through stability, protectionโthrough ensuring that you would never lack comfort nor security.
โLord Zayne!โ
But to give you everything, he was bound to give himself to his duties first.
Zayne held back a sigh and turned towards the voiceโthe princess royal, a vivacious woman trying to attract his attention, and forced a straight face.
โYour Highness,โ he greeted evenly.
His fingers tightened around the stem of his cup, the cool porcelain grounding him.
. . .
While the banquet was lively, the laughter felt distant, the lanternlight a little too bright against your tired eyes. After the argument with your husband, you were honestly considering to retire for the night.
Your chest still felt tight.
It felt like an ache you could not soothe, because you honestly had enough of everything in this marriage. You wanted a husband who was present, not just dutifulโ and Zayne wasnโt really fulfilling what you really desired.
You exhaled quietly, intent on leaving the grand hall behind. Howeverโ
โMy lady.โ
You were stopped in your tracks. The velvety voice came from your right. You turned.
Prince Rafayel stood nearby, dressed in darker robes of burgundy, the candlelight catching in the gold embroidery. Up close, his gaze was as intent as it had been earlierโunabashed in its attention.
He inclined his head politely, lips curved in a bright smile. โI trust the palace has been treating you well.โ
You lowered your gaze in courtesy, once again bewildered by his presence before you. โHis Majestyโs hospitality is generous. I lack for nothing.โ
โIs that so?โ he questioned lightly, โIs it just my imagination then... that you donโt seem particularly fond of it?โ
The comment caught you off guard. You looked up at him, startled. His expression softened, as though aware he had stepped too close to something unheard of.
โForgive me,โ he said, lowering his tone. โItโs merely an observation. I suppose when oneโs husband appears to be too close to a certain princess, youโre bound not to enjoy the evening.โ
His gaze flickered across the hall, and you instinctively followed his line of sight only to see your husband with the no-nonsense princess, ever composed and attentive. You looked away.
โThey say the Lord of Anlan is unmatched in the battlefield,โ Rafayel began idly. โThat he drove back the pirates without mercy and won the Emperorโs favor through sheer merit alone.โ
โYes,โ you said softly. โHe did.โ
Rafayel glanced back at you, studying your expression.
โThey also say,โ he continued, โthat he governs Anlan with fairness. That the people trust him. That he is a man who does not bend easily, nor does he offer himself cheaply to gain favor.โ
Everything he said was true. Zayne was always steadfast. Honorable. Respectful. He had always been that wayโeven as a boy.
โYes,โ you admitted quietly, a smile slowly forming in your lips. โHe is.โ
Rafayel watched you for a moment longer, as though weighing something. Then, he reached for a nearby tray and lifted a cup of sweetened wine, offering it towards you.
โWhile all of them might be true, even the greatest man does not stand alone. Behind him is a woman just as remarkable. You must not diminish yourself beside him, my lady.โ
Your breath stilled. An imperial prince was telling you that you were worth more than what you thought you were.
โYou may not be a princess,โ Rafayel continued, his voice warm but certain, โbut you are in no way lesser. Everyone here knows it to be trueโor at least, I do.โ
Your cheeks flushed from the heat and flattery. โYour Highness... Thank you for your kind words.โ
Prince Rafayelโs gaze held yours with quiet sincerity, still smiling. Your fingers closed around the cup before you could think better of it.
โAnd right now, you are far too lovely to spend the evening looking as though the world has wronged you.โ
You let out a small breath you hadnโt realized you were holding, and raised the cup to your lips.
The wine was sweet. Warmer than you expected, and the slight bitterness loosening something tight within you.
โYes, just like that... chin up, my lady. The lanterns favor you better that way.โ
You hadnโt realized how much you needed it.
Rafayel said nothing more, merely gesturing lightly when another tray passed. And when your cup emptied, another found its place in your hand.
And then another.
The warmth spread slowly through your limbs, softening the sharp edges of the evening. The distant laughter no longer felt so piercing. The ache in your chest dulled, and replaced by a fleeing sensation and your own laughter.
You drank, and drank... perhaps more than you should have.
But for the first time that nightโ
It became easier not to look across the hall.
At some point, Zayne realized he had not seen you in a while.
The moment he found a lull in his conversation with the princess, he excused himself at the first opportunity. His eyes swept the grand hall, but you were nowhere among them.
A faint unease settled into his chest, until he passed by his personal guardโ
โMy lord,โ he bowed slightly.
โDid you see the lady?โ
โI believe the Prince of Zhaole was seen escorting Her Ladyship out to the western terrace.โ
Zayneโs eyes hardened. He immediately made his way towards the said terrace. He found you at lastโ
And Prince Rafayel stood beside you, too close for his liking.
โMy lady, are you sure youโre fine?โ
And youโ
โAm fine! Iโm fine!โ
Your hand rested against the stone railing, posture swaying, your cheeks flushed and gaze watery. Flash of anger immediately filled Zayneโs sense at the sight.
Rafayel noticed him first and he turned to him courteously.
โLord of Anlan,โ the prince greeted smoothly, his expression calm. โI was merely keeping your lady company. It seemed the evening had become tiring for her.โ
Zayne moved past the prince, taking big strides without acknowledging him.
โโฆMy lord husband?โ you murmured, voice soft when your eyes finally landed on him. Zayne immediately reached for you.
โY/N,โ he whispered in your ear, trying to ground you. But you staggered and crashed into his chest. His jaw tightened as he pulled you into his embrace.
That accursed prince had seen you like this.
โI shall take my wife back,โ he said through gritted teeth.
Rafayel inclined his head with easy grace, putting on an easy smile. โOf course.โ
Zayne put his arm around your shoulder, steadying you. You leaned into him instinctively as he led you through the quiet corridors, away from the prying eyes.
By the time you reached your chambers, your steps had grown even more unsteady. He guided you inside carefully, dismissing the servants with a glance before they could speak.
Your husband sat you gently on the edge of the bed, meanwhile you were still trying to get your bearings, blinking slowly.
โAre you alright? Do you feel dizzy?โ Zayne asked, unable to conceal the worry in his voice. His hands came up to cradle your face, his thumbs brushing lightly against your warm skin, frowning deep. โIโll get you some water.โ
Your gaze followed his every movement as he crossed the room and poured water into a cup. He knelt before you again once he was done, holding the cup carefully toward your lips.
โDrink,โ he coaxed gently.
You stared at cup of water. Then at his hand. Then at him.
Then, with clumsy defiance, you pushed the cup away. Splash!
Water sloshed over the rim, spilling onto his robe and the floor below. Zayne froze.
However, not caring about it at the slightest, you raised your hand abruptly, your finger pointing at himโ
โYou terrible, detestable, wickedโโ
You might be slurring, but your eyes burned with clarity as you spew profanities at him:
โโhusband!โ
The last word left your lips and you slumped. Throughout the years you had been with him, Zayne had never seen you so openly wounded like this. He stared at you, at a loss of words.
You swayed where you sat, your arm falling limply back to your side.
โYvonne said Iโm pretty,โ Your nose scrunched faintly as you sniffled. โMy maids said Iโm pretty too...โ
Zayne tried to reach for you again, but you refuted his touch.
โAnd Prince Rafayelโโ you continued, sounding borderline delirious, โHe said Iโm no less than a princess... So whyโโ
Your lashes were wet, tears blurring your vision, and your lips trembled as you glanced up at him:
โโam I not enough for you?โ
The question pierced him cleanly. Zayne felt something twist inside his chest at the sight of you. He knew that with everything that had happened, you were bound to resent him. But he had loved you... still loved you even at right this moment.
He closed the distance between you then, gently and firmly taking your face in his hands before you could turn away again.
โEnough?โ His voice dropped, dangerously close to breaking. His hazel eyes searched yours as if trying to carve the truth directly into your heart. โYou are... You are more than enough.โ
His thumb brushed away the tear that fell down your cheek. Something flickered across his expressionโ the hurt, but when his eyes shifted to your lips, it was replaced by something far more possessive.
โAnd youโ must only look... at me.โ
And then, Zayne crashed his lips into yours with fervor. One hand on your waist, he pulled you flush against him. The taste of salt lingered between you, your tears mingling with the heat of his mouth.
โMmm...โ You gasped into the kiss, fingers instinctively clutching at his robeโstill damp from the water you had spilled.
He softened only slightly then, angling his head, kissing you slower but deeper. His thumb traced along your jaw, coaxing you to respond, to open for him. And when your lips parted for him, he groaned, before inserting his lips to tangle with yours.
Each kiss lingered, pressed harderโuntil you melted into breathless sighs against his mouth.
When Zayne finally pulled back, his grayish hazel gaze held yours with such intensity that made it impossible to look away.
โYou are more than enough,โ he repeated, voice hoarse. โYou undo me.โ
His hand slid to your cheek again, gentler now, almost reverent.
โAnd if I have failed to show you that, then thatโs my failing.โ
You were half-conscious and all thoughts emptied from your head, spellbound by the restrained desire in your husbandโs look.
His thumb traced your lower lip, swollen from his kisses. โDonโt measure yourself against another manโs gaze.โ
He would show you how you meant to him, he vowed.
โFor mine has never left you.โ
. . .
Six months into marriage, and you had learnt that your husband wasnโt as gentle as he looked in marital bed.
With practiced fingers, he worked fast on the laces of your robes as he guided you to the said bed. He kissed the path from your lips to your throat, nipping at your skinโ and at the same time, he palmed your breasts, his thumb brushing over your nipples in slow, deliberate circles until it tightened beneath his touch, sending a sharp, aching warmth through you.
โZayne...โ you gasped, arching to his touch.
โTell me what you want, wife,โ he growled against your ear, flicking your nipple in the process, making you squirm. โTell me.โ
Words failed you as his kisses grazed your collarbone, leaving love bites there. He followed the path from your shoulderโ and you were in for a ride when he took your erect nipple into his mouth, sucking hard.
A cry slipped from your lips, your nails digging into his hair. The sensation was overwhelmingโheat pooling low in your belly, your breath coming in uneven gasps as your husband shamelessly suckling you.
โAhh, mmrghโฆโ
He held you firmly, feeling every tremor running through your body. But suddenly, he lifted his head, lips glistening and eyes dark with lust, gazing straight at you. โI want to hear you first.โ
โI...โ your breath hitched, swallowing the shame. โI want your... mouth.โ
โBeg.โ
You fingers curling weakly against the sheets. โYour mouth, pleaseโโ you breathed out, heat blazing on face, โall over me.โ
His lips quirked into a satisfied smile. โAs you wish, my lady.โ
And with that, Zayne moved to the other breast, giving it the same devoted attention, his sinful tongue swirling before he bit down gently on the flesh.
โMmngh!โ you moaned, head falling to the pillows. His mouth was relentless, and true to his word to fulfill your desire, your husband made sure you were sated with his mouth first.
He rained hot, open-mouthed kisses throughout your chest and abdomen next, and stopped just below your navel, dark eyes clouded with predatory haze.
The thought that he very much could get you swollen with his child after this night was through made himself hard. If his seed were to take hold within you tonightโ even Prince Rafayel would know better.
His hand tightened at your waist, his lips pressing into the softness of your foldsโand a second later, lapping at it like a man in throes of hunger. You gasped, grasping his hair, as he devoured you down there.
And in no time at all, your lord husband made you come on his tongue.
โAhโaaah...โ Your thighs trembled around him as pleasure washed through you.
He is cruel... You were hazy with drunken lust and tears, but you no longer cared enough to resist.
โStopโฆโ you whimpered. โJustโฆ make love to me alreadyโฆโ
Your husbandโs stern, hazel eyes turned to you, slightly widened at your bold plea. โIs that truly what my lady wishes?โ
You glared at him. โYes.โ
And he honored your wish without hesitation. Zayne rose, shedding his garments with swift movements. His magnificent length sprang free, thick and hard, his hand closing around it as he stroked himself slowlyโhis eyes never leaving yours.
Your lord husband is very, very tantalizing, indeed...
He moved over you, settling his hips between your thighs. One hand wrapped around himself as he dragged his length slowly through your slick folds, coating himself in your arousal. He pressed against your entrance, the tip nudging there before he stilled, dark eyes once again confirming yours.
โAre you ready to take me, wife?โ
You wrapped your legs around his torso, pulling him closer. โPlease, Zayneโ now.โ
And with that, he pushed himself into you. You writhed, broken gasps spilling out of youโthe way he stretched you was perfect, sinking into you slowly, making you feel every inch of himself.
Zayne grounded you by resting his forehead against yours, groaning into your mouth like a beast in heat. โPerfect,โ he choked out.
When he began to move, you lost all your wits altogether. His thrusts were slow at first, each one reaching inside you impossibly deepโ โAh, ah...!โ
But the rhythm did not stay gentle for long. It grew steadier, more insistent and faster. The lewd sound of skin slapping resounded in the room, your breathless moans mingled with his harsh grunts.
โLook at me,โ Zayne commanded, voice rough. His hand came to your chin, turning your face toward him. โLook at your husband.โ
You forced your eyes open, meeting his captivating gaze. In that fleeting instant, you thought you saw everything reflected thereโlust, the aching need to be closer than flesh could allow, love.
He adjusted his angle, and suddenly struck that one spot that made you cry out. โT-there!โ
A low growl rumbled from his chest as he aimed for that spot again, and again, relentless in his pursuit. Your vision blurred, your cries filling the room, clutching his shoulder helplessly as his unforgiving fingers found your clitโcircling and rubbing it, driving you closer and closer to the brink.
And a second later, pleasure crashed through you without mercy. Your walls clenched around his girth, and the feeling of how you pulsed around him pulled a rough sound from his throat, making him lose his control at last.
He thrusted deep one last time, burying himself to the hilt as ropes of his cum filling your wombโ sowing a part of himself in you.
The first thing you noticed when your eyes fluttered open was the warmth.
Soft, steady warmth wrapped around you, and golden sunlight filtered through the window, spilling across the bed in beams. For a moment, you simply lay there, suspended between sleep and waking, your body heavy.
Then you became aware of something else. An arm draped securely around your waistโ
Your breath caught as the memories of the night before flickered faintly at the edges of your mind.
Last night, you and Zayne were...
You unwittingly let out a gasp, and your voice woke your husband.
Behind you, Zayne stirred. His hold tightened instinctively for a second, as though even half-asleep he refused to let you slip away. A low murmur brushed against your earโ
โโฆYouโre awake.โ
His thick voice sent a faint shiver down your spine. You slowly turned in his arms.
You were greeted with his beautiful face. The familiar line of his jaw. The faint crease between his brows as sleep gradually left him. The dark grayish hazel of his eyes as they focused fully on you.
It had been so long since he was in your bed. Long enough that waking up like thisโtangled together, bare beneath the sheets, his warmth still wrapped around youโfelt almost unreal.
Your lips parted, but no words came. Instead, your eyes grew glassy, emotion rising too quickly for you to contain. The sight of him made your chest ache.
โY/N?โ he asked quietly, catching your forlorn expression. A realization dawned on himโ
His arm loosened at once, withdrawing from your waist as though your skin burned him. He shifted back, putting a small distance between your bodies.
โI wonโt touch you again,โ he said, voice steady, the spark in his eyes dimmed. โIf last night wasโฆ a mistake in your eyes, then it will not happen again. I give you my word.โ
Your eyes widened in surprise. After enduring days and nights of feeling unwanted, to experiencing the most exalting night in your lifeโ only for him to spew this nonsenseโ
โYou stupid, stupid lord!โ
Before he could react, you seized the nearest bolster and smacked it against him. Zayne blinked, completely caught off guard as you struck him again.
He instinctively grabbed the sheets to cover himself, trying to shield his face from your assault. โWifeโโ
โHow dare youโ!โ you snapped, hitting him again. โYou have ignored me for literal months, always busy with that damn princess, and then bedded meโ only to say that?!โ
Another blow landed against his shoulder.
For a man who commanded armies and terrified courtiers with a glance, Zayne looked utterly defenseless as you continued your attack, his hair disheveled, sheets barely clutched around his waist.
โYouโre awful!โ you continued, your voice trembling now for an entirely different reason. โI thoughtโโ
Your arm faltered mid-swing, your grip on the bolster loosened. โI thought you didnโt want me anymore,โ you choked out, the first of your tears falling.
The way you teared up made Zayneโs expression change instantly. He moved before you could turn away, his hands found your wrists, drawing you closer despite the awkward tangle of sheets between you.
โHow could I not want you?โ His thumb brushed beneath your eye, catching the tear there. โMarrying youโฆ has been my goal from the very beginning.โ
Your breath hitched. The memory of that spring replayed in your mindโs eye once again: โOne dayโฆ I will become the greatest general in the land. Will you wait for me until then?โ
Zayneโs jaw tightened in regret as he pulled you into his embrace.
โBut apparently it was just the start, not the end. After our wedding, I thought that my duty next is to ensure you never have to want for anything. That if I build enough stabilityโฆ enough wealth, then you would never feel lacking. And in doing so, I neglect something far more important.โ
His other hand rose to cradle your cheek fully now. You found his steadfast gaze.
โYou.โ
Zayne leaned his forehead lightly against yours.
โIโm sorry,โ he said, and this time there was no pride left in his voice. โI should have treated you better. I should have been beside you more. Not just as your husband in nameโbut in truth.โ
โYouโre so silly.โ You stared at him through your tears, poking his chest. โAll this timeโฆ you thought I only needed wealth? Security?โ Your fingers curled slightly in the fabric of the sheets between you. โI was right here, and yet you strayed so far away.โ
If being silly was what would get you with him, then so be it. Zayneโs eyes softened in a way few people would ever be allowed to see.
โThe girl who chased fireflies with me in the jasmine fieldsโฆโ he smiled despite himself, picturing the little you who were always full of laughter for him. โWhen I asked her to wait for me, I also vowed that I would never let her experience any hardships in life once she came to be with me...โ
You shook your head immediately, your hand sliding higher, resting over his heart firmly.
โI wanted to marry Zayne,โ you said, looking at him with a frown. โNot the Lord of Anlan.โ
Something in his expression broke thenโnot painfully, but like frost melting beneath the first warmth of spring.
His forehead rested against yours once more, his eyes closing as though savoring the closeness he had denied himself for far too long. His hand came up to cradle the back of your head, and in that touch was his love for you.
โAnd you did,โ he whispered. โYou married a man who has loved you long before he ever became anything else.โ
โForgive me, Your Majesty, but I canโt prolong my stay within the imperial palace any further. My wife wishes to return home, and I donโt have it in me to deny her.โ
Zayneโs voice was calm and unwavering as he stood before the throne, posture straight and expression composed, facing the ruler of the land himself.
โAs for the princessโฆ I am certain a worthy match will present himself in due time. So I humbly ask that Your Majesty refrain from summoning me again for this matter.โ
The emperor scoffed, seeing the two of you off with thinly veiled exasperation, but this time, Zayne didnโt bend, nor did he seem troubled by the emperorโs displeasure.
He had chosen you, and from now on, he would continue to do so.
. . .
Preparations for your departure followed swiftly. Your servants and handmaidens moved with practiced efficiency, gathering belongings and readying the palanquin. Yet their eyes lingered, subtle curiosity passing between them as they noticed the unmistakable change.
โHave you seen them?โ
โHis Lordship hasnโt left her side once.โ
โIโve never seen him look at her like that beforeโฆโ
Their voices carried in hushed murmurs, behind sleeves and lowered gazes, and you pretended not to hear, only greeted them with the brightest of smiles.
When the time came to board the palanquin, Zayne turned to you and offered his hand openly, a faint, reserved smile resting upon his lipsโone meant only for you.
The servants fell into stunned silence as you placed your hand in his, in awe at the picturesque sight of their dashing lord and beautiful lady. It was a simple gesture, one they had witnessed countless times before.
But this time, there was clearly something different in the air.
He helped you into the palanquin carefully, his hold steadyโas though you were something precious. And this time, he didnโt ride the horse, but went inside along with you.
โโฆI think theyโve reconciled, at last,โ one handmaiden murmured softly.
โItโs about time,โ the lordโs personal guard sighed.
A heartfelt smile appeared on Yvonneโs face. โOhh, Iโm glad!โ
And truly, they all were.
They had always admired himโtheir stern, unyielding lord, a man of discipline and honor.
And they cherished youโthe generalโs lady, whose kindness had touched every corner of Anlan.
To see the two of you now, no longer separated by silence but standing side by side as husband and wifeโฆ It felt like watching the very first blossom of spring unfurl after winter.
And as the palanquin began to moveโcarrying you home, Zayne looked at you with the tenderest of smiles, never once letting go of your hand.
โ summary: You were promised to Caleb Li, second son of the Lord of Akso, and you were beginning to love him, then war came, and Caleb fell in battle. Now you are married to his older brother Zayne - a cold, dutiful man who keeps you at arm's length. When he returns with a bastard son, you start to believe that you will be nothing more than an obligation to him.
โ cw: MDNI!, non-mc reader (can also be read as mc reader), fem!reader, arranged marriage, this chapter will be caleb and reader focused, heavy angst, YES HEAVY ANGST, character death, game of thrones inspired au, references to game of thrones, slight age gap, possibly ooc zayne, past caleb x reader, mentions of having children and marriage, 7.4k wc, unbeta'd, unedited
โ an: back again for another installment of the arranged marriage au series! zayne already had his own au but this has always been my OG plan for him and the reaction for the prince zayne and warlord sylus aus motivated me to write this as a full fic.
this is loosely based on game of thrones. there will be some terms borrowed from got and you guys might get confused with the way the ages are written (i based it on how grrm wrote the ages in the books, caleb and reader are both 16 at the start of the story and zayne is 20, but zayne x reader will start when she is 20-21 and zayne is 24-25), to make it easier to understand some of the terms, i added definitions after the chapter. i hope it won't get too confusing.
thank you again for the support especially to those who commented on the masterlist and those who are following my arranged marriage series. i hope you guys enjoy this new au. title was inspired by let the light in by lana del rey.
please leave a comment, like, or reblog if you enjoyed reading!
โ series masterlist โฎ part two
โ lads masterlist | arranged marriage au | AO3
The first letter arrived in early spring, when the apple blossoms were just beginning to bloom in your father's orchards.
You were six and ten, old enough to understand what the heavy wax seal meant, young enough to still feel the flutter of possibility in your chest when you broke it open.
The Lord of Chansia's daughter would marry well.
You had always known that.
Your lord father had made sure you understood your value.
The betrothal with House Li was born of the anticipation for war.ย
For years, the Northern border burned from wildling raids and Lord Li of Akso needed men.ย
Thousands of them.ย
His own bannermen were already committed, their forces stretched thin across hundreds of miles of frozen wasteland, and he knew that it would only be a matter of time before the attacks would escalate.ย
So he looked South, to the noble houses of the Reach, who are rich in fertile lands and men, who had no stake in the Northern conflicts but might be persuaded to care.
Your father saw an opportunity.
Ten thousand strong, that was your fatherโs offer.ย
Ten thousand trained soldiers, plus supplies for several years, in exchange for a marriage alliance with House Li. It was an enormous commitment, one that would cement Chansia's influence in the North for generations.
When the ravens flew back and forth between Akso and Chansia, your father expected Lord Li to offer his heir because that was how these things were done.ย
The future Warden of the North for ten thousand swords.
Instead, Lord Li offered his second son.
Caleb Li of Akso.
Your father had been surprised, second sons were not usually the price for such a massive alliance, but Lord Li was a shrewd man. He had plans for Zayne, his heir, a Northern match perhaps, someone to solidify Northern power, not dilute it with Southern influence, or perhaps, he is still looking for a stronger match from the other Southern kingdoms of Philos.ย
And youโฆย
You were just the youngest of four daughters.ย
Your elder sisters had already been wed to powerful Southern lords. You were valuable, yes, but not that indispensable, not the way your older sisters had been, so your Father accepted.
A second son in exchange for a youngest daughter and ten thousand men.
It was a bargain that satisfied both houses.
And then Caleb's first letter arrived, and it was not what you expected.
My Lady,
I hope this letter finds you well.
My father, the Lord of Akso, has informed me of the betrothal arranged between our families.
I confess I am uncertain of the proper etiquette for such correspondence, but my brother Zayne suggested that honesty might serve better.
They tell me our betrothal is a matter of alliance.
That is true, but I find myself hoping it might become more.
My father speaks of honor and obligation.
I would rather speak of the future, of what we might build together, if you will have me.
I have heard many things about your family and you, but I would rather know them from you.
Will you write to me?
Tell me of Chansia, of your family, of yourself.
I promise to do the same, though I fear the North is far less interesting than the South.
Yours in anticipation,
Caleb Li of Akso
You had read it three times, tracing the slightly uneven script with your fingertip.
He had terrible handwriting.
The letters slanted and looped in a way that suggested he had been hurrying or perhaps nervous.
Somehow that made it better.
More real.
Your reply had been formal, exactly what your septa had taught you.
But Caleb's second letter was warmer, and his third warmer still, and by the time summer arrived, you found yourself becoming a permanent fixture in the rookery, waiting for the next raven from the North to arrive.
He wrote to you about the North.
About Akso Castle perched on a hill overlooking the rest of the North, about winter roses that somehow bloomed even in frost, about the godswood where his mother used to pray before she died.
The godswood.
He wrote of it often, he tells you about the heart tree, the ancient weirwood tree with its bone-white bark and blood-red leaves, the hot springs that steamed even in the deepest winter, the sense that the old gods watched over everything.ย
The North kept the old ways, he explained though you already know this. The Northerners prayed to the nameless gods of the forests, not the Seven, not the new gods brought by the Andals when they invaded Philos.
We will be married there, if you will have it, he wrote. In the godswood, before the heart tree, with the old gods as our witnesses, as is the Northern way. I hope that does not frighten you.
It did not frighten you. It felt right, somehow, sacred.
He wrote about his father, Lord Li, stern and commanding, a good lord respected by his bannermen and loved by all the North.
He wrote about his older brother Zayne, wise and serious, who had taken over most of their father's duties even though he was barely twenty autumns old.
Zayne frightens people sometimes, Caleb wrote in one letter. He does not mean to. He carries everything so quietly that others mistake his silence for coldness. But I have seen him sit up all night with a sick horse, and once I found him in the library crying over a book of poetry from the Age of Heroes. He pretends to be made of ice, but he is more than that. I wish others could see what I see.
You had smiled at that, charmed by Caleb's obvious affection for his brother, but you have not thought much about Zayne Li beyond the knowledge that he existed.
He was the heir, the future Warden of the North.
You would be marrying the second son.
That was fine.
That was more than fine, because Caleb's letters made you laugh.
They came with gifts sometimes, small things, nothing ostentatious.
A pressed winter rose, its pretty blue petals preserved between sheets of parchment.
A silver brooch shaped like a songbird, because you had mentioned loving the larks that nested in your motherโs gardens.
Once, unexpectedly, a smooth black stone he had found by the river while they were hunting, which he said reminded him of your eyes in the moonlight.
I have not seen your eyes in moonlight, of course, he had written, but I imagine them often. I hope that is not too forward. Zayne says I should be more reserved, but he also says I should be myself, and I find those instructions contradictory.
You had kept that letter in your bureau, taking it out sometimes late at night to reread by candlelight.
You met Caleb Li for the first time in autumn, when your father hosted a gathering for the Northern lords.
The great hall of Chansia Castle was blazing with light, candles in every sconce. The Northern lords arrived in a procession of black horses and dark cloaks, and you stood at your father's side in a gown of deep blue silk, your hands folded demurely, your heart hammering against your ribs.
You saw Caleb before he saw you.
He was laughing at something one of the other young lords had said, his head thrown back, dark hair catching the firelight. He looked exactly like his letters, warm, open, alive in a way that made everyone around him seem dimmer by comparison.
When his gaze found you across the hall, his expression transformed into wonder.
He crossed the hall like he was being pulled by invisible strings, barely remembering to bow to your father before turning the full force of his attention on you.
"My lady," he said, and his voice was exactly what you had imagined, warm and slightly rough, like honey over cobblestones. "I... you are more beautiful than I dreamed. Forgive me, that was probably too forward. Zayne is going to kill me."
You had laughed, you could not help it, and his answering smile was so bright it was almost painful to look at directly.
"I do not mind forward," you respond, and watched color rise in his cheeks.
"In that case," he said, offering his arm, "would you allow me to bore you with terrible conversation? I promise not to step on your feet at least twice if we dance."
He had kept his promise.
He was an awful dancer, all enthusiasm and no rhythm, and you had laughed so hard you could barely breathe.
Later, when the feast wound down and the other guests had dispersed into smaller groups, you and Caleb secretly escaped to gardens where the night air was cool and sharp with the promise of coming winter.
"I brought you something," he pulled a small wrapped bundle from his coat. "I was going to wait, but I am terrible at waiting for things."
Inside the cloth was a comb, simple wood inlaid with small chips of blue stone that caught the moonlight.
"For your hair," he said shyly. "The stones are from the mountains near Akso. They remind me of winter roses, and I thought you might like having a piece of home. Of our home, if you will have it, if you will have me."
You looked at him, at this man whose letters made you laugh and sent you flowers and was so earnest it made your chest ache.
It is not love, not yet, but the beginning of it, the possibility of it.
"I will have it," you whispered softly, meeting his eyes. "I will have you."
His kiss was gentle and tasted like the wine from dinner and something sweeter underneath. When he pulled away, his forehead rested against yours, his breath warm against your lips.
"I am going to make you happy," he promised, his eyes full of warmth. "I do not know how yet, but I will. I will spend every day learning how to make you smile."
You believed him.
You met Zayne Li exactly once before everything changed.
It was at the same gathering where you first met Caleb, but Zayne had spent most of the evening in your father's solar, discussing politics and trade agreements and all the serious matters that second sons were not expected to worry about.
You had glimpsed him across the hall a few times, tall and dark-haired like Caleb, but broader through the shoulders, his face carved into more severe lines.
He looked like winter itself had taken human form.
Near midnight, you had gone to the library seeking a book, and found him there instead, standing by the window with a goblet of wine, staring out at the darkness.
"Oh," you said, freezing in the doorway. "Forgive me, my lord. I did not mean to intrude."
He turned slowly, and you got your first clear look at him.
Caleb had been right.
He was frightening, in a way. The stillness of him, the severity. No smile, no warmth, only that steady, assessing gaze that seemed to see straight through you.
"You are not intruding," he said. His voice was deeper than Caleb's, rougher, with none of his brother's easy warmth. "This is your father's house."
"Yes, but..." You trailed off, uncertain. "I was looking for a book."
"Then by all means, look."
He turned back to the window, dismissing you, and you should have left.
You should have grabbed a book and fled, but some stubborn part of you wanted this man to see you as more than his brother's pretty betrothed.
"Caleb speaks very highly of you," you said.
"Caleb speaks highly of everyone."
There was no inflection in his voice, no indication of whether that was criticism or affection.
"He says you are kind. That you pretend to be cold but you are more than that."
That got a reaction.
The slightest tension in his shoulders, a tightening around his eyes.
"My brother is an optimist."
"Is that so bad?"
"It is when it leads to poor judgment."
The words stung, though you were not certain why.
"You do not approve of the betrothal."
"I did not say that."
"You did not have to."
He finally turned to face you fully, and in the firelight, his eyes were a strange color, hazel-green, like frozen moss.
"My approval or lack thereof is irrelevant. The betrothal serves both our houses well. You will make Caleb a suitable wife, I am certain."
Suitable.
Not happy.
Not loved.
Suitable.
"I will make him more than suitable," you said, lifting your chin. "I will make him happy. I willโฆ"
"Happiness is a luxury," Zayne cut in, his voice flat. "Duty is what endures. If you can give him both, then you are better than most."
He walked past you toward the door, moving with that careful control that made him seem older than his years. But before he left, he paused, not looking back.
"He loves easily, my brother," Zayne said quietly. "He gives his heart away like it costs him nothing. Do not make him regret it."
Then he was gone, and you stood alone in the library with your heart beating too fast, uncertain whether you had been warned or threatened.
You did not think about Zayne Li much after that night.
He was a footnote in your story, a stern older brother who would fade into the background once you married Caleb, moved North, and be granted your own keep and lands.
He would be the Lord of Akso someday, and you would be the wife of the second son, and your paths would rarely cross.
That was what you thought.
You were wrong.
The visits continued over the next eighteen months.
Caleb came to Chansia for the midwinter feast and stayed a fortnight.ย
You walked the gardens together every day, your septa trailing at a discreet distance. You talked about everything, about his childhood, your studies, the books you loved, the future you would build together.ย
In spring, you traveled North to Akso Castle.
The journey took three weeks, your father's men escorting you through increasingly cold and barren landscape. Septa Josephine rode in the carriage with you, wrapped in furs and complaining about the cold with increasing frequency the further you traveled.
Lord Li greeted you in the courtyard, older than you remembered from that autumn gathering, his iron-gray hair and ice-chip eyes seeming harsher here in his own domain. Your septa stood beside you, silent as a pillar, as he studied you with the assessing gaze of a man evaluating whether you would be strong enough for the North or his son.
"My lady," he said with a slight nod. "Welcome to Akso. I trust the journey was not too difficult?"
"It was manageable, my lord. Thank you." You smiled politely as you curtsied.ย
He stared at you for a long moment, taking in your southern clothes, your softer features, everything that marked you as foreign to this place. Then his mouth twitched in what might have been approval.
"You will need warmer cloaks," was all he said before turning away.
Septa Josephine was immediately swept away by the stewardโs wife to see to your chambers and the unpacking of your things. The moment she disappeared through the castle doors, Caleb closed the distance between you.
He pulled you into an embrace that made the guards politely look away.
"You came," he breathed against your hair. "You actually came North."
"Did you think I would not?"
"I hoped, but hope and certainty are different things."
You stayed a month at Akso, learning the castle, meeting the household, spending every possible moment with Caleb. Septa Josephine accompanied you everywhere at first, maintaining the appearance of propriety, though she gradually allowed you more freedom as it became clear that the Li household was honorable.
The godswood became your favorite place, the weirwood tree with its carved face, the hot springs steaming in the cold air, the sense of peace that settled over everything.
Caleb brought you there often.
"My mother used to pray here," he told you once, his hand in yours as you sat by the spring. "She said the old gods listened better when you spoke honestly. No pretty words, no formal prayers, simply truth."
"What would you tell them?" you asked curiously. "If you spoke honestly right now?"
He turned to you, his expression serious.
"I would tell them that I am grateful that I was given you when I expected nothing, that I am falling in love with you and I hope, I pray, you might be falling in love with me too."
Your answer was a kiss, and when you pulled away, you murmured against his lips, "I am."
Summer brought Caleb to Chansia for the harvest festival. Ten days of celebration, of stolen kisses in hidden alcoves, of promises made under stars.
Autumn brought him again, this time for five weeks. Long enough that the servants began to whisper. Long enough that your septa began to frown at how much time you spent alone together, always clothed, always proper, but alone nonetheless.
"People will talk," Septa Josephine warned this time.
"Let them," you said, reckless with the certainty of your coming marriage.
She had been right, they did talk.ย
The younger, newer servants gossip like ravens fly, constantly, with no regard for consequence. By the time Caleb departed, your reputation had been questioned. Not ruined but tainted by the simple fact that you had spent too much time alone with a man you were not yet wed to.ย
It did not matter that you are betrothed to him.
It did not matter that nothing had happened.
Your father was furious, but you did not care.ย
"The wedding must happen soon," he told you.ย
But then winter finally came, and with it, war.
The raven arrived in the dead of night.
Wildling raids along the Northern border had escalated into organized attacks, coordinated assaults, thousands of raiders pouring over the Wall. Lord Li was calling his banners.ย
The war Chansia's men had been promised for was finally here.
Your father mobilized immediately. Ten thousand men, as agreed. Supplies, weapons, everything that had been negotiated.
Caleb came to say goodbye.
He arrived early one morning, just as dawn was beginning to break. A servant woke you up, urgently knocking, whispering words that Lord Caleb is here and requesting to see you immediately.ย
You dressed hastily, your hands shaking as you pulled on your robe over your nightdress. By the time you reached the great hall, your mother was already there in her dressing gown, Septa Josephine with her who was trying to protest when Caleb asked to see you alone.
But your lady mother took one look at Calebโs face, exhausted, terrified, heartbreakingly young in his travel-worn leathers, and made her decision.ย
โLet them have this moment,โ she said quietly to your septa, then turned as she saw you enter. โBe discreet, sweetling. Use the servantโs passage to your chambers. Make sure no one sees.โ
โMotherโ,โ you began, but she cut you off with a gentle smile and a hand to your cheek.ย
โHe is going to war,โ she said softly. โLet me worry about propriety. You justโฆโ Her voice caught. โYou say what needs to be said.โ
So you led Caleb to your chambers, through the hidden passages meant for the servants. Your heart is pounding, from fear, from the knowledge that this might be goodbye.ย
"Father wants me at Driftmere, the Northern border," he said without preamble, sitting on the edge of your bed like his legs would not hold him. "My men leave in three days."
Your stomach dropped.ย
The Northern border was too close to the Wall, too close to where the wildlings were.
"Zayne will be with Father in Anlan, at the Eastern front. They are splitting our forces. Zayne commands the cavalry, I take the infantry to reinforce the border fortifications." He grabbed your hands, held them too tight. "William will be with me. Zayne's best friend, from House Poole. Zayne asked him to watch over me, to keep me safe."
"Because Zayne thinks you are not ready?"ย
"Perhaps he is right." Caleb's laugh was bitter. "But ready or not, I march in three days."
You pulled him close, and somehow you both ended up lying on your bed fully clothed, his arms around you, your head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. The sun was beginning to rise outside your window, painting the horizon in shades of pink and gold.
"Look," Caleb whispered, turning your face toward the window. "When we are married, when you come North, some mornings the sun rises over the mountains just like that. Pink and gold, and the snow looks like it is on fire. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." He paused. "Except for you."
Tears slipped down your cheeks.ย
"Do not talk about after. Talk about now." You begged.
"Now I have to leave you," he said, voice breaking. "Now I have to march to war and pray I am strong enough, brave enough, lucky enough to come back."
You pressed closer to him, breathing in his scent, leather and pine and something uniquely him that you wanted to memorize.
"When you come back," you said fiercely, "when this war ends, we marry immediately and we will have children. Many children."
"Many?" He managed a small laugh. "How many?"
"At least three," you said, trying to sound certain, trying to make the future feel real. "Two boys and a girl, perhaps. Or two girls and a boy."
"What will we name them?"
You were quiet for a moment, thinking of the future you so desperately wanted to build.ย
"For a girl... Jasmine, after the flowers I will miss most when I come North."
"Jasmine," he repeated softly. "I love that. She will be beautiful and sweet-smelling and remind you of home."
"And strong," you added. "Strong enough for the North."
"Like her mother." His arms tightened around you. "And for boys?"
"You choose," you murmured. "They will be your sons. Northern names for Northern boys."
"No," Caleb said quietly. "Names we choose together, when I come back. We will sit in the godswood by the hot springs, and we will plan everything, their names, their futures, the life we will build." His voice broke. "When I come back."
You turned in his arms, looked up at him. His eyes were wet, his expression raw with fear and love and desperate hope.
"Promise me you will come back."
"I promise," he responded. "When this is over, we will have everything we have dreamed of."
"Promise me," you repeated firmly.
"I swear by the old gods and the new, I swear it."
The sun rose fully, flooding your room with golden light. Outside your door, you could hear servants beginning their morning routines.ย
The real world was finally calling.
Caleb pressed one last kiss to your forehead, your cheeks, your lips.
"I have to go," he said, though he made no move to release you.
"Not yet," you begged. "Please, just a few more minutes."
So he held you until your septa's scandalized knock came at the door. Until the world outside demanded his attention. Until there was no more time left.
When he finally stood, adjusting his cloak, you memorized everything about him, the way his dark hair fell across his forehead, the exact shade of his eyes in the morning light, the curve of his mouth when he tried to smile for you.
"I love you," he said at the door, his hand on the frame. "Remember that. Whatever happens, remember that I love you."
"I love you too. Come back to me, Caleb. Please come back."ย
He smiled, though it did not reach his eyes.ย
"For you? I would fight through a thousand wildlings."
Then he was gone.
You stood at your window and watched him ride away, his dark cloak disappearing into the morning mist. The pink and gold sunrise he had described faded into ordinary daylight.
You did not know that the life you would build would be nothing like the one you had dreamed of in his arms.
But in that moment, you still had hope.
And hope, however fragile, was enough.
You did not know it would be the last time you saw him alive.
You received letters from Caleb when you could.ย
Not often, he was where the attacks were heavy, fighting day after day against an enemy that seemed endless, but when the ravens came, you devoured every word.
He wrote about the cold. About how winter at Driftmere that made Akso's climate seem mild by comparison. About watching men freeze to death in their sleep, about frostbite taking fingers and toes and noses.
The first winter of the war, you made him a favor.ย
You spent weeks embroidering a kerchief of fine linen with winter roses in blue thread, your initials and his intertwined in the corner, and you sewed a ribbon the color of your house along the edge.
You sent it with a raven, along with a letter.ย
For the coldest nights, when you need to remember that winter roses survive the cold. That we will survive, that I am waiting for you.ย
His response came a month later.ย
I will keep it over my heart always, he wrote. When the fighting is the worst, when I am certain I will not survive the day, I press my hand to my chest and feel it there. The winter roses you embroidered remind me that even in the deepest cold, beautiful things survive and that you are waiting for me. And that I have something worth fighting for.ย
He wrote about William, who had saved his life twice now.ย
Zayne chose well, Caleb wrote. William is the best swordsman I have ever seen. He watches my back the way Zayne would if he were here. I am grateful for him, even if it reminds me daily that my brother thinks I need protecting. He is more than Zayneโs friend now, he is mine too. He keeps me sane when the darkness threatens to overwhelm.
After reading that letter, you sat down and embroidered a second favor. Simpler than Calebโs, but made with care, a small token of gratitude for a man keeping your betrothed alive. You sent it with the next raven heading North, with a note that says:
For William of House Poole, with my deepest thanks for protecting what I hold most dear.ย
Weeks later, Caleb wrote back.ย
William was moved beyond words when he received your favor. He keeps it tucked in his armor, says it brings him luck. He swears he will keep me safe if only to one day meet the lady kind enough to think of him. You have made a loyal friend, even if he is one you have never met.ย
That summer, you made a third and final one, a plain kerchief of linen with House Liโs sigil for Zayne. It felt like a proper thing to do, a gesture of courtesy for your future good-brother. You sent it without fanfare and without an expectation of response.ย
Months passed before you received any acknowledgement.ย
A raven arrived, not from Caleb, but from Zayne himself. The letter was brief, formal, but there was something in the carefully chosen words that felt almost warm compared to the last you saw him.ย
My lady, I received your favor. Your courtesy is noted and appreciated. I am grateful for your kindness. The favor is kept safe.ย
Zayne Li of Akso.ย
That was all, but somehow, it was enough.
When you mentioned it to Caleb in your next letter, his response made you smile despite everything.ย
I am told that my brother actually smiled when he received your kerchief, Caleb wrote. His men said they had not seen him smile in months. One of them joked that perhaps the Ice Lord was melting. Zayne apparently gave him extra watch duty for the comment, but kept the kerchief nonetheless. I think perhaps my cold brother is not immune to kindness as he pretends.ย
In another letter, Caleb wrote about the enemy more. About how the wildlings fought with a ferocity born of desperation, how they seemed willing to die by the thousands to push South.
In the second year of the war, he wrote about something he had forgotten to mention.ย
I realized I never told you the most important part of our future, his letter began. When Father grants us our lands, we will need a house name. I have been thinking about this for months, and I believe I have found it.ย
House Xia, he wrote. It means โsummerโ in the old tongue of the East. I know it sounds strange for a Northern house, but hear me out, you are my summer. You are the warmth that keeps me alive in this frozen hell. You are the light that breaks through the darkness. When I think of our future, I think of warmth and light and life, I think of you.ย
For our sigil, I think of a snow leopard holding a winter rose in its jaws. The leopard for the North, fierce, protective, and able to survive the harshest conditions. The winter rose for you, for the beauty that blooms in the deepest cold, for a life that we will build together.ย
Enclosed was a sketch, rough but clear. The snow leopard, powerful and elegant, with a delicate winter rose held gently in its mouth. The contrast was striking, strength and beauty. The North and the South, Caleb and you.ย
You cried when you read it, pressing the letter to your chest.ย
You respond immediately.ย
House Xia is perfect. The sigil is perfect. You are perfect.ย
When you come home, we will make it real. We will plant winter roses around our keep, and our children will grow up knowing that even in the coldest winter, beautiful things survive, that love, our love survives.ย
His next letter carried even more details.ย
Father has officially approved the name and sigil. House Xia, cadet branch of House Li. Father has yet to choose lands that he will grant us but when this war is over, we will ride to wherever our lands will be, and begin building our life. Our children will be Lord and Ladies of House Xia, carrying both our legacies, Northern strength and Southern grace.ย
The letters continued through the second year and the third, though they grew shorter as the fighting intensified. Caleb wrote of small victories, of grounds gained and lost, of endless cold and exhaustion. But always, always, he wrote of coming home, of the future you would build.ย
At first, you told yourself it was the winter storms. Ravens could not fly in blizzards and could not navigate when snow fell so thick it blotted out the sky.ย
It was nothing.ย
It meant nothing.ย
When a letter finally came, five months after the last one, your hands shook so badly you could barely break the seal.ย
Forgive my silence, my love, Caleb wrote, and his handwriting was shakier than you remembered, the letters uneven. The fighting has been brutal. We lost half of our forces in a night raid three moons ago. William was wounded, he will recover, but it was close, too close. I thought I would lose him and with him, the last piece of home I have here.ย
I am so tired, the letter continued. Tired of fighting, tired of watching good men die, tired of this endless winter that seems like it will never end. Sometimes, I wonder if we will ever see spring again, if I will ever see you again.ย
But then I touch the favor you made, and I remember that something is worth surviving, that someone is worth coming home to, that you are waiting for me. Hold on for me, my love, just a little longer.ย
You read the letter a dozen times, searching for reassurance you could not find. The tone was darker than any that had come before. The hope that had sustained his earlier letters had thinned to something desperate.ย
You wrote back immediately, pouring every ounce of love and encouragement to the parchment. You told him of the spring flowers blooming in Chansia, about how you had started learning Northern customs so you would be ready for your new life, about the names you had been considering for your future children.
You begged him to hold on.ย
Two months passed before the next letter arrived.ย
William saved my life again, fourth time now. I have lost count. There was a fever going through the camp, half the men were sick and some were dying. I caught it three weeks ago. I do not remember much of it. William says I was out of my mind for days, calling out your name, fighting men who were trying to help me.ย
I am recovered now, but weak. William watches over me like a mother hen, says he made a promise to Zayne and he will not break it. I am grateful for him, even if I am tired of being protected like a child.ย
The war feels different now, desperate. The wildlings are starving, which makes them more dangerous. They have nothing to lose, neither do we.ย
I love you. I will come to you. I swear it.ย
You wrote back with reassurances you did not believe.ย
You will come home. You will survive this. We will be married, and this war will be a distant memory.
That was the last letter you received.ย
You waited for the next one.ย
Days became weeks, weeks became months.ย
Every time a raven arrived at your fatherโs keep, your heart would leap, then sink when it was not for you.ย
A raven arrived on a morning in late autumn, when the first frost had touched the gardens.
It had been six months since Caleb's last letter.ย
Six months of silence.ย
Six months of telling yourself that he was simply too busy to write, that the fighting was too intense, that the ravens could not fly in the conditions.ย
Six months of lying to yourself because the truth was too terrible to face.ย
You were in your mother's solar, pretending to work on embroidery, when your father's steward appeared in the doorway.
His face was ashen.
"My lady," he said to your mother, and his voice cracked. "A raven from the North."
Your mother took the rolled parchment with steady hands, but you saw them trembling as she broke the seal. The parchment was edged in black.
Dark wings, dark words.
You watched her face drain of color as she read, watched her lips press into a thin line, watched her eyes close briefly as if in pain.
"No," you said, standing up so fast your embroidery hoop clattered to the floor. "No, what does it say?"
Your mother looked at you, and in her eyes, you saw the end of everything.
"There was a battle," she said quietly. "At Driftmere, Lord Caleb fell in combat."
The words did not make sense.
They were sounds, meaningless syllables that could not possibly mean what they seemed to mean.
"Fell," you repeated. "Fell does not mean dead. It means wounded. Injured. He could beโฆ"
"Sweetlingโฆ"
"He could be recovering! The letter might be old, it might have taken weeks to arrive, he could be fine now, he could beโฆ"
"He is gone," your mother said, her voice breaking. "I am so sorry. He is gone."
"No." You shook your head violently. "No, that is wrong. There has been a mistake. Check the seal, check the name, it is someone else, it has to be someone elseโฆ"
"There is no mistake."
"Then the information is wrong! Someone made an error, they thought they saw him fall but he was only injured, he is recovering somewhere, he will send another letter, he promised he would come back, he swore itโฆ"
"Sweetling, pleaseโฆ"
"He swore it!" Your voice cracked, rose to something close to a scream. "By the old gods and the new, he swore he would come home to me! He would not break that oath, he would not, he is alive, he has to be aliveโฆ"
Your mother pulled you into her arms, but you fought against her, pushing away, backing toward the door.
"I need to go North," you said, your words tumbling over each other. "I need to find him. He might be wounded, he might need help, I need toโฆ"
"Stop." Your father's voice, from the doorway. You had not heard him enter. "Stop this. He is gone."
"You do not know that!"
"The raven came from Lord Zayne himself," your father said quietly, holding up another letter. "He writes that his brotherโs body was brought to him by the remaining men from Driftmere and that he will lay him to rest in the Li family crypts. There is no mistake, daughter, Lord Caleb is dead. "
The words hit you like a physical blow.
Zayne, who never lied, who was made of duty and honor and cold Northern stone.
If Zayne said Caleb was dead, thenโฆ
No.
No, no, no.
"He promised," you muttered weakly, and your legs would not hold you anymore. You sank to the floor, your hands pressed to your chest where it felt like something was tearing open. "He promised he would come back. He swore it. We were going to build our house, we were going to have children, we were going toโฆ"
Your mother knelt beside you, pulled you close even as you tried to push her away.
"He loved you," she whispered. "He loved you so much. He would have come back if he could."
But he had not come back.
He had broken his promise.
He had left you.
Caleb was dead.
The truth of it crashed over you in waves, each one pulling you under until you could not breathe, could not think, could not do anything except keen like a wounded animal.
You do not remember being carried to your room.
You do not remember the maester being summoned, or the sleeping draught he made you drink.
The next thing you remember clearly is waking in darkness, your throat raw from screaming, your eyes swollen shut from crying.
On your bedside table, the black stone Caleb had sent you caught the moonlight.
They remind me of your eyes, he had written.
Beside it, carefully folded, was his last letter. The one where he wrote about the fever, about recovery, about coming home.
I love you. I will come home to you. I swear it.
He had lied.
Or the world had lied to him.
Either way, he was gone.
You reached for the letter with shaking hands, pressed it to your chest, and wished desperately that you could follow him into death.
They let you grieve for two weeks.
Two weeks of darkness and silence, of meals brought and left uneaten, of your mother's worried visits and your father's heavy sighs.
Two weeks of existing in a space between sleep and waking, where sometimes you forgot and reached for a letter that would never come.
On the fifteenth day, your father summoned you to his solar.
You went like a ghost, hollow and insubstantial.
He was standing by the window when you entered, his hands clasped behind his back, and he did not turn around immediately.
"Sit down," he said finally.
You sat.
He was quiet for a long moment, staring out at the gardens where you and Caleb had once walked together. When he finally spoke, his voice was carefully controlled.
"The war is over," he said. "Victory was declared four weeks ago. The wildlings have been pushed back beyond the Wall."
Four weeks ago.ย
Before you even knew Caleb was dead, the war had already ended.
"Lord Li fell in the final attack at the Eastern front," your father continued. "He died securing the victory, and William of House Pooleโฆ" He paused. "He fell with Lord Caleb in the same battle.."
William.ย
The friend who had saved Caleb four times, who had kept your kerchief tucked in his armor for luck, who had promised to protect him.
They had died together.
You felt nothing. You were too empty to feel anything more.
"Zayne is now Lord of Akso," your father said, and something in his tone made you look up. "The last surviving son of House Li. The last of his family."
The silence stretched.
"The betrothal contract must be honored," your father said finally, still not looking at you. "The alliance between our houses is too important to dissolve, particularly now. The North is in chaosโฆsome of the lords and their heirs dead, succession unclear, the realm recovering from three years of war."
The words took a moment to penetrate the fog in your mind.
When they did, you felt ice slide down your spine.
"Honored?" you repeated. "Father, Caleb isโฆ"
"Dead. Yes, but Lord Zayne lives. He is now Lord of Akso, and the contract requires a marriage between our houses."
The room seemed to tilt sideways.
"You will marry Lord Zayne instead," your father continued, finally turning to face you. His expression was set, immovable. "The ceremony will take place in three weeks, at Akso Castle."
"No." The word came out barely a whisper.
"It has already been arranged."
"No," you said again, louder now, standing on shaking legs. "I cannot. I will not. I was betrothed to Caleb, I loved Caleb, I cannot be given to his brother likeโฆlike it does not matter whoโฆ"
"Lord Zayne insists," your father cut in, and something about the way he said it made you stop.
"What?"
"The raven came from him directly, not from his steward or from one of his bannermen, from Zayne Li himself." Your father's jaw tightened. "He writes that the contract must be fulfilled. He will honor his family's commitment to the alliance. He expects you to do the same."
You stared at him, uncomprehending.
Zayne insisted.ย
Zayne, who barely knew you. Zayne, who had looked at you with cold eyes during that one brief visit and said nothing warmer than a polite greeting.
Why would he insist on marrying his dead brother's betrothed?
"Does he even want this?" you asked desperately. "Did anyone ask him if he wants to marry someone he does not fully know, someone who had loved his brother?"
"Want is irrelevant," your father said flatly. "This is duty. For both of you."
"I cannot," you pleaded. "Father, please. I cannot marry Zayne. I cannot go North and pretend to be a dutiful wife when Calebโฆwhen heโฆ"
"You will," your father said, his voice hard as stone. "You agreed to marry a son of House Li, that contract remains binding. The alliance must hold."
"Butโฆ"
"There are no exceptions. Your feelings are irrelevant. The questions about your virtueโฆ"
"My virtue?" You inhaled sharply. "Caleb never... we never..."
"It does not matter what did or did not happen. It matters what people think." Your father's expression was unyielding. "The servants talked. You spent too much time alone with him. Your reputation has been questioned since. Lord Zayne is offering you his name and protection and does not care whether his brother bedded you or not. You will be the lady of a great house and wife of the Warden of the North. You should be grateful."
"Grateful," you echoed, the word tasting like poison.
"Many women in your position would be unmarriageable. Lord Zayne is being generous."
Generous.ย
As if marrying you was charity.ย
As if taking you to replace his dead brother was some kind of favor.
"You are selling me," you said blankly. "Like a horse."
"I am securing your future," your father stated firmly. "You will go North and marry Zayne Li. You will honor this contract. That is final."
There was nothing else to say.
No argument that would move him, no plea that would soften him.
You were a daughter of House Chansia, and you would do your duty.
Even if it killed you.
โ Def of terms (based on GOT wiki, awoiaf.westeros.org):
short note before proceeding: these definitions are already simplified but i also added links to the definitions just in case
warden - is the title given to the head of the great houses in the realms of the kingdom.
septa - women who are sworn to celibacy and sometimes serve noble houses as governess or tutors to the daughters of lords
godswood - wooded sanctuaries within castle walls that were set aside as places of worship to the old gods.
weirwood - as described in the fic, these are trees with white barks with red leaves and sap. weirwood found in the godswood are considered as heart trees and have faces carved on their barks.
old gods/new gods - old gods are the nameless gods that were worshipped in the North, the wildlings, and the crannogmen; new gods are the gods worshipped by most of the people in the South, these are the gods of the Faith of the Seven, Seven as in 7 gods (Father, Mother, Warrior, Smith, Maiden, Crone, and Stranger)
maesters - an order of men who are intellectuals (scholars, healers, and advisors) who the serve noble houses
wildlings - or the free folk are the people who live in the lands beyond the wall or beyond the northern border of the kingdom. they have no political authority or hereditary titles except for the leaders they have choosen. okay listen, i love love love the wildlings and i wanted to add the wanderers as House Li's enemies instead of them, but i can't find a good way to fit the wanderers in the story.
The Reach - second largest kingdom in Westeros (i am still unfamiliar with all the locations in the game so i decided to leave the name as is, Westeros is the name of the whole continent in GOT but in this AU, we will refer to the continent as Philos) also the most populated and the most fertile region. if you have watched GOT or read ASOIAF, reader's family is supposed to be based on the Tully's (iykyk) but for this au, i picture them as either the Tarlys or Redwynes.
โ a/n #2: i apologize to the people who expected the raf or xavier fics or the final part for warlord!sylus. i had a really bad case of writer's block for several days and i suspect that i also had a burnout, i was writing all the arranged marriage fics at the same time, alternating when i have an idea and i guess i ended up overworking myself. i am doing better now though. i am very sorry again, i don't want to make promises on when i can post them but they are coming.
warning/s: female reader, angst, ooc Caleb, alcohol use, intoxication, infidelity, cheating, heartbreak, mention of MC, mention of Zayne.
a/n: MC's name is Maisie. Sorry for any grammatical errors and bad writing, it's been a while haha... Enjoy.
part 1. nav. part 2.
Caleb Xia is going to be your husband in a few weeks.
He loves you so much.
He treasures you like you are the skyโhis sky, his worldโhis everything. The kind of man who buys what you linger on for too long and notices your silence before you speak. He loves like sunlight, sometimes too bright, sometimes too close, and burns.
The both of you have always been glued to the hip since childhood. Everyone around you knows that Caleb adores you.
So it surprises everyone when it happens.
Midnight comes around while his bachelor party continues.
The house hums with laughter and alcohol. Caleb sits surrounded by his friends, cheeks flushed, the corner of his mouth lifting to prove he's still sober enough to enjoy the party.
You stand on the balcony, beneath the stars, and he finds you thereโserene and tranquil like the night, a calmness that doesn't belong in this room he's in. For a moment, he's almost jealous of the night. Your attention is not on where itโs supposed to be, on him, and like seeing you with another man, the night seems to hold you in a way he never could.
The jolly atmosphere doesn't help in sobering him either. Heโs going to drop and black out any minute now, the dizziness flooding his head.
Caleb is so caught up with his friends that he ignores his childhood friendโs warningโsomething about being too drunkโand comments nothing about the quick frown on his childhood friend's expression. It strings a foreboding feeling in his chest.
Someone clasps his shoulder.
โAnyone yerโ going to kiss for the last time before being a married man?โ
The group roars. Someone adds while emptying a glass, โBro, Calebโs too lovestruck to look at other girl!โ
Caleb tips his head back and laughs. It sounds hollow, even to himself.
Fingers clenching into a fist while heaving a sigh, Caleb flexes his muscles and stands up. He picks up his pace to find youโto prove them right. His steps are unstable as he occasionally swings a bit from side to side.
But something stops him.
Maisie.
His little sister, not by blood but by bonds. His ground. His Pipsqueak.
When he looks at her, memory blares like wild fire; from the fragile memory of when they were a child in the summer, a childโs hand in his, and a soft voice calling his name.
Maisie laughs and he forgets which version of her he's looking at, the one in front of him, or the one he used to protect with his own, broken and small, hands.
Maisie is beautiful.
He tells himself he loves youโsoftly, like a prayer no one should hear. But the words sound fragile now, thin enough to tear under the noise of laughter.
When Maisie looks up at him, something in him caves.
His hands find her cheeks, unsteady and trembling as though they belong to someone else, for someone else. He doesnโt mean to, or maybe he always did.
The kiss lands softly, like fate stitching together what's supposed to be. Itโs not merely a peck, but a kiss. With tongue that dance together. He could taste a little bit of wine from her. The noise blurs, the light hurts, and her face looks too much like the time you never exist in his life.
Laughter erupts once more. He doesnโt look at anyone.
His world spins differently.
But from the balcony, you watch.
The laughter sounds obnoxiously too loud. And yet, it dulls in comparison to your heartbeat. One, two, three, you chant to yourself. Your chest feels too small for your heart, but no one seems to notice.
No one, except some people amongst the group, who meet your gaze instead of laughing.
ยฉ @griyve 2025 โ please do not modify, translate, repost, or share my blog & works to other platforms.
Synopsis: Archfiend!Sylus x Succubus!Reader.ย You're a high-ranking succubus, but suffer from avoidant food intake disorder. Following your BFFโs recommendation, you decideย to try a 25+ dish for your first time and endย up a littleโฆ too full.
Warning(s): This is disgustingly fluffy. Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) is a real and serious diagnosis; I do not mean to make light of the topic! Please reach out for professional help if you need, stay healthy my loves.
4.2k words
A/N: Happy (early) Valentines day! Currently drowning bc of written quals (iykyk), but THANK YOU GUYS for 200 followers!! I'm here giggling and kicking my feet at every comment/reblog/heart; once quals are over i have lots of writing planned.
You were born a high-ranking succubus. S-rank, your parents' pride and prodigy, the hope of the family. Yet, by the time you come of age, everyone was horrified to find out that you suffer from avoidant food intake disorder.ย
Just... general disinterest. Forgettingย meals. Indifference to food. Feeling full quickly.
When you were still in school, all theย teachers would sigh at the sight of you wandering down the halls,ย "Ah, what a waste of such great talent" theyโd bemoan.ย Later, you got a nickname: Asmodeus' Respirator.
Asmodeus wasย theย headmaster. While other teachers sighed when they see you, he would inhaleย sharply, as if he's about to faint.
Because of your high-ranking, you didnโt need to feed; you can obtain energy simply by creating dreams. It meantย you haven't properly "eaten" anyone yet, while all your other friends around your age have already consumed countless souls.
"Oh, just give it a try!" your best friend shakes your shoulders. "I promise! It's very comfortable."
"So, are you planning to make Lucas your lifelong food source?" You deliberately changeย the subject. MCย stops, turns around, and flopsย onto the sofa, piling on top of you.
"Lifelong food source" is a simplified version of the term you came up with. ย
The full name is: A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to choose a contract between a succubus and a human, where choosing the wrong person means ruin. More accurately, it's forming a bond with a human, binding yourselves together. The human becomes the succubus's only food, and the succubus must fulfill the human's wishes.
But this contract can only be made once, so most succubi choose to move from one partner to another.
"No," MCย sighs, her perfect figure reflectingย in the window. "We broke up two days ago." She sneers, "He just wanted me to help him fulfill his pipe dream of getting rich."
"Man, I told you to just listen to Caleb. He said Lucas was full of shit" You attempt to comfort her, but sheย immediately looksย up: "Hey! Weren't we talking about you?"
She sits up, her tail gently brushing against your thigh.ย "You're a top-tier succubus, yet you're still a virgin who hasn't tasted the forbidden fruit. You're going to be the laughing stock of the century if any more people find out!"
Just as you'reย about to defend yourself, she puts her finger to your lips, gently stroking the plump petals.ย "Don't talk about your avoidant tendencies anymore. Just try a man over twenty-five. They're not as lustful as eighteen-year-olds, so you won't be overwhelmed at first. PLEASE. I'm begging you."
Hearing this, you let out a helpless laugh, pushing her off your lap. "Where did my innocent MC from before go? Give her backkk~" ย You poke her forehead, tutting regretfully.ย "Back then, you didn't evenย how normalย succubiย 'eat' food!!!"
"That was so many years ago! Don't just talk about me, you almost drove our teacher crazy back then!" MC squishes your cheeks in retaliation. "You skipped all the practical classes, got a zero for your practical finalย right beforeย graduation, yet you were the top student in theory โ the first, but also the last!" Her fingers on your face turnย into a pinch.
"Stop, stop, let's skip the student days," you grabย her hand. "You know I'm a picky eater," MC's eyes narrowย dangerously for a second, so you quickly add, "But if I find something delicious, I'll try it."
She claspsย her hands together, looking like she was about to cry: "Five years! I've been trying to convince you for fiveย whole years! You've finally come to your senses!"
"But if I don't find anything, you can't blame me," you giveย her a warning not to get too hopeful, after all, you haven't met anyone you liked yet.
"Don't worry, I've already got some candidates picked out for you!"ย Saying that, she immediately takesย out her phone with its green apple charm and starts scrolling, feeling incredibly happy. You wager she's even more excited right now than when she was choosing for herself, her tailย wagging eagerly like a puppy.
"I know you're picky, but you have to trust my discerning eye, I've seen countless people." She winksย her pretty eyes.
"Here! First one, a doctor, twenty-seven years old, 186cm/6'1"ย tall, serious with a boyish charm, and very romantic." You lookย at the photo on the phone MC handed you, frowning.
"I only eat unopened packages," you emphasize, then swipeย through a few more candidates.
"Too childish, no."
"Too thin, no."
"Their opening line is boring, no."
"No."
MC watchesย as you swipe through the photos, doubting if you were even paying attention to them at all. "Wait! Are you really that picky?"
You put down herย phone, spreading your hands above your head.ย "There's nothing I can do, they all seem too easy to get, aren't there any with a higher difficulty level?"
MC looksย at the little virgin succubus in front of her spouting such arrogant words. She fights the urge to slap you.
"Ha!" Her eyes light up like a bulb.ย "A gentleman can be killed but not humiliated! In the succubus world, Iโve got the URL of the number one food recommendation blogger!" MC drawls. You glance at her innocently with curiosity, causing her to smack your forehead.
โBesides, can you even handle someone with such a high difficulty level?โ She looks warily at you, her tone softening. Sheย strokesย your face, asking if it hurt.
You shake your head, indicating you were fine.ย โSo you're saying thereโs no one suitable for me?โ
MC looks at you, with your wide eyes that remind her of a little kitten, and finally concedes. โAlright, alright, I give up. You have such great seduction abilities, and you use them all on me, always knowing how to manipulate me.โ
MC grumblesย while picking up her phone, her slender fingers dancing across the screen.
โOh, I only do this because I like you! I wouldnโt even bother with anyone else!โ
"Thaaaaank you, MC~ That's why I love you." You snuggleย against her chest.
โOkay, okay, use these skills on him instead,โ she pushesย you away and shows you a forum.
2026ย Most-wanted delicacies of Succubi:
First Place: Sylus Qin
The man in the photo hasย platinum whiteย hair styled in a 60/40ย split, with bangs pushed back. He has aย natural model's physique, an inverted triangle body shape, wearing an all-black suit with no tie, just the first three buttons undone. He looksย incredibly sexy just in the photo.
But what interestsย you the mostย areย his beautiful dark red eyes, like precious gems.
โSo... many people like him?โ You stare at theย phone, your slightly wagging tail betraying your expressionless face.
โHehe, just look at the comments below.โ MC scrollsย directly to the top comments for you.
Alpha-male-eater-3001: Just a reminder, this guy is also number one on the blacklist.
yeppeun-succubus: Only for fantasizing, don't try it.
im-h(o)n(r)gry replies to yeppeun-succubus: The last one who tried was chopped into a bloody mist.
forbidden-apple: The number one on the must-eat list, yet a man who has never been eaten, tsk tsk, it's terrifying when you think about it, sisters!
My Wife Cheated on Me and I Became a Fishย replies to im-h(or)ngry: What!? Tell me about it!
im-h(or)ngryย replies to My Wife Cheated on Me and I Became a Fish: I'll DM you.
You look up after reading,ย confused by the back-and-forth, only to see MCย with her hands on her hips. She groans.
โNow, this guy you see, he's practically the Wolfsbaneย of the human world! Do you know why?โ You shakeย your head.
โWolfsbane has particularly beautiful flowers, andย many animals are attracted to its appearance and eat it. But it's highly poisonous, the entire plant is poisonous, and Sylus is just like that.โ
โTwenty-eightย years old, never dated anyone before. Rich and handsome, yet never been in a relationship?ย Isn't that terrifying!?โ
She deliberately lowersย her voice and continues, โI heard that a brave soul once tried to charm him, but disappeared for a while and was found dead. Of course, many people didn't believe it, but they all ended up failing. Some tried to get his contact information, but their phones were hacked. Others tried to pretend to be his secretary, but were thrown out. Someone even spilled coffee on him, only to find out the suit cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, and they were immediately stopped by his bodyguards and had to pay a fortune, and so on.โ
MC getsย more and more excited as she speaks, even shivering slightly in fear.
โHe's the one!โ You pointย at the photo, your eyes blazing with determination.
โ!?โ MC looksย at you in shock, โMy darling! Don't you realize I amย trying to warn you, not recommend him!?โ
She wasย intendingย to discourage you, suggesting you start with an easier target, which is why she chose the mostย difficult person to begin with. ย She hadn't expect him to catch your eye.
โThis is the first time I've encountered such a suitable target, of course I can't let him go.โ You standย up from the sofa and pointย at MCย again, โYou're the one who told me that!โ
โAnd you said that people over twenty-five don't have a very high energy output, and he's twenty-eight, which is perfect for me. And he looks so deliciousโฆ Oh, and those eyesโฆโ Your tail is practically wagging in the air as you twirlย around in the living room.
Oh no, oh no, oh no no no, my teacher is going to kill me.
MC already feels thatย her life is in danger.
โBut you have no practical experience at all, how are you going to win him over?โ
Her voice ringsย out, and you stop. MC is right; you've never interacted with humans before, mostly just watching them sleep and snore from your window.
MC sighs as she face-palms, โIn school, the practical classes only involved flirting with characters created from illusions, and you were too scared to even do that. Now you want to flirt with a real person? And a dangerous one at that?โ
โWell, I can start by talking to him, you know, and then slowly develop the relationship.โ You supply helplessly.ย
โAre you cooking ribs? ย Slowly develop the relationship? Although you're a high-level succubus and can absorb energy through dreams, your body won't be able to handle it if you keep going like this.โ You lowerย your head, clutching at your pajamas.
MC isย right; you've been feeling tired lately, wanting to sleep all the time, and nearly fainted earlier today, which is why you agreed to her suggestion.
"So what do you think I should do?" You ask meekly.
Hearing this, MCย runs to her room and brings out several books. You glanceย at them.
Human Interaction Guide for Dummies.
108 Techniques from a Master of Seduction.
Succubus Skill Usage Manual.
"Youย need to learn how toโฆ
Shoot!
Your!
Shot!"
****
Following the plan MC gave you, you waitย in the Onychinus Headquarters.
You're a succubus after all! Sneaking into an office is easy! Honestly, if MC wasn't unable to find Sylus' personal address, you'd already be in his bed.ย
You lookย at the maid outfit you'reย wearing. MC had originally picked out an overly exaggerated uniform for you:ย a black corset that accentuated your figure, paired with fishnet stockings and a skirt so short it barely covered the curve of your ass.
But you absolutely refused to wear that, so you pestered her for a long time until she agreed to let you choose a less revealingย outfit.
You wander around Sylus' office. The desk is neatly organized, and the floor-to-ceiling windows offered a view of the entire city, which would probably look especially beautiful on a clearย night.
Just then, you hearย a sound from outside. You walkย to the door, standing there nervously, silently rehearsing your lines.
The door opens, and you lowerย your head, burning holes intoย your skirt hem. Even after practicing several times, you still stammerย a little.
"Welcome back, M-Master. Do you want to eat first, or..." Your voice tremblesย slightly. You already regret letting MC prepare the script. What kind of decent person starts withย role-playing games right off the bat?! But you continue.ย "...or take a bath first?"
The air instantly turnsย deathly silent.
You lookย up in confusion, only to see that it was indeed Sylus standing in front of you, but behind him were two more young men in suits. His business partners(?) had strange expressions, as if they were trying their hardest to suppress their laughter.
Fuck.
It's over.
You're dead meat.
You quickly searchย your mind for the emergency lines MC had given you:ย If the foreplay doesn't work, just run away.
Time to activate Plan B now.
"Excuse me, I've come to the wrong office."
You fumbleย to leave, but realize your tail, which you thought you had hidden, had appeared, and it hits the door frame with a "plop", making you jump.
"..."
More awkward silence ensues.
The professional smiles on the younger men's faces beginย to crumble, and one of them lets out an uncontrollable cough. The other pretends to adjust his cuffs, but his eyes are twitching.
You feelย so embarrassed you wanted to evaporate on the spot.ย You freeze, feeling the blood rush from your face to the tips of your ears.
Sylus finally speaks. His voice showsย no panic, a hint of amusement, even. "...An interesting opening." ย He turns to the two people beside him and explain, "This is my 'new assistant'. She's still getting used to the environment."
Huh?
His partners nodded in unison: "Yes, yes, boss".
Huh?? Why are theyย nodding?
They walkย to Sylus' desk and begin discussing contracts, missions, and signing issues. You, playing the role of a competent "assistant," standย to the side, but with no clueย what to do.
You only half-understand what they areย saying, bored to the point of feeling sleepy.
You already used up so much energy to travel to Sylus' office today. You thought you could recover by eating your first meal, but instead, you're endingย up standing hereย like furniture.
"You got it, boss man!" You joltย your head up, slowly opening your eyes after being woken up by the sound.
The two men standย up and shakeย hands. One of them glancesย at you and smiles: "Then we won't disturb the Boss'ย free time."
The sound of the door closing echoes in the large room, and you straightenย up. There's only you and Sylus left.ย
"So, Miss Maid, what can I do for you?" Sylus stands in front of you, his perfect physique making you unconsciously swallow.
Perhaps because his tone soundedย too gentle, too unassuming, you loseย your nervousness.ย I want to eat you, you think.
"Eat me?" He raisesย an eyebrow, his eyes seeming to smile, but with a hint of confusion.
Wait. Did you just say that out loud?
"Uh, huh?" you blink, shaking your head in attempt to clear your mind. God you must be truly starving right now. You think back toย what you had learned in school. Humans seemed to use "eat" to mean consumingย material things for nutrients.
"I-I mean, I want to have sex with you."
Sylus is clearly stunned by your blunt answer, so you beginย to explain everything to him.
"So you're a succubus, and you want me to be your food, to provide you with energy?" Sylus summarizesย after listening.
You nod, hope rising in your heart.
But the next second, he flatly says, "I refuse."
"Why?" You frown, feeling a little frustrated.
"Why should I agree?" He counters, sitting in his chair, leaning back slightly, his eyes studying you with a mixture of amusement and seriousness.
You walkย up to him, the small bells on your clothes jingling softly with your movements. Your hands restย on the table on either side of his chair,ย looking quite imposing.
Truth to be told, your head is completely empty right now with no semblance of an answer, but you're already here, and can't go back empty-handed.
"I like you, thatโs why I chose you.โ
Sylus looks at you quietly, his fingers gently tapping the table, mirroring your heartbeat.
โYou like me?โ he repeats,ย lowering his head and smiling. You feel a little strange because his smile is completely devoid of emotion.
You're a little flustered by his reaction and can only nod haphazardly. Is this what hunger feels like? โYes, I like you, so you canโt betray my feelings!"ย
โButโฆโ He pauses, his red eyes staring straight into yours. โI donโt like you.โ
โThen you can slowly learn to like me! You humans call itย โlove that grows over time,โ right? We have to try first before we can determine if we donโt likeย each other. You donโt even know me, and youโre already rejecting meโฆโ Your mind is racing, and youโre blurtingย out a lot of nonsense. If your previousย teachers heard this, you're not sure if they would die of embarrassment orย set off fireworks to celebrate you finally making a move on someone.
โDo you know me? If Iโm not mistaken, Miss, we didnโt know each other before, did we?โ Sylus' tone turnsย very cold.
You're startled, your mind still reeling from hunger.ย โThatโs becauseโฆโ
โBecause you want to use me again?โ He finishes your sentence for you, his voice very low, each word sounding like it was whispered in your ear.
He suddenly leansย forward, resting one hand on the table, only a fist's distance away from you. His rubyย eyes stareย straight at you, and the pleasant scent of his cologneย waftsย over, smothering your senses.ย โJust saying you like me wonโt get you anywhere with me.โ
From the moment he first interrupted you, your head wasย buzzing, and your thoughts becomeย increasingly muddled with his words.
You cover your face with one hand and propย yourself up on the table with the other. In the last second before you loseย consciousness, you seeย his furrowed brow.
Great, my energy level is so low that Iโm fainting. I hope I'm still in one piece when I wake up, you think.ย
When you openย your eyes, you findย yourself lying on aย sofa, still in the same room. Sylus is looking at documents on a table nearby, with theย floor-to-ceiling window behind him.
Night is falling, and the orange-yellow lights illuminateย the streets, depicting a scene of prosperity.
Your gaze, however, is drawn to Sylus, and you finally understand why MC always says:ย Men look the most handsome when they are serious.
His had taken off his suit jacket, withย his sleevesย casually rolled up, revealing his strong arms and delicious veins. His black shirt is so clean it almost shines. His tie isย undone, and the curve of his collar perfectly evokesย a sense of warmth surging through you.
So handsome.
He doesn't even lift his eyes: "Awake?"
You rubย your eyes and whimper, trying to make yourself look at sorryย as possible. "Can't you really consider it?"
Sylus sighs. Heย walksย towards you, and kneelsย down on one knee next to the sofa,ย looking at you.
You feel a spark of hope runย and startย using the pitiful act you used on MC.ย "If you refuse, I'm going to starve to death!ย I don't have the energy nor want to look for other food either..."
"So you've decided on me?" He narrowsย his eyes. You feelย that if he were a demon, his tail would already be wagging in the air.
You nodย frantically. He looksย at you and chucklesย softly: "Okay, we can try, Miss succubus."
Success! You rejoiceย inwardly, completely overcome byย happiness.
But soon you realizeย the most important problem: you didn't know how!
You have absolutelyย no idea what to do, so you end up awkwardly askingย him, "Where do we start?"
Sylus raisesย an eyebrow.ย "Didn't you say you wanted to eat me? What, the succubusย doesn't even know where to start?"
Your ears burnย bright red as you mutter, "I don't have any experience."
"Then there's nothing I can do." he says, turning to leave.
Seeing your perfect meal about escapeย in front of your eyes gives you a sudden burst of courage, and you quickly grab Sylus' arm,ย pulling him down.
Sylus loses his balance,ย instinctively supporting himself on the back of the sofa with his hands. You take the opportunity to hug him, burying your head in his chest. God, he smells divine.
Your face is pressed against his plush chest. He steadiesย himself and looksย down at the timid little succubus in front of him.
Your mind is blank; you still haveย no idea what to do, so you just awkwardly hugย him. His scent mesmerizesย you, and you tighten your arms, rubbing your face into his chest.
"Miss succubus, is this how you absorb energy?" Sylus asks, with a hint of teasing in his voice.
You're startled, looking up at his expression. "I didn't study seriously in school, so I don't know how to do it, but you smell really good."
After saying that, you buryย your head in his chest again, a muffled voice coming from within.ย "And I do feel much better, I should hug you for a little longer."
He gently presses your back closer to him. "Take your time, I like watching you being clumsy."
He holds your hand and placesย it on his chest.ย "See, absorbing energy isn't just about hugging, you also have to feel it with your heart. Be bolder, try again."
You listen, bewildered, trying to understand, feeling his warmth and heartbeat in your palm.
Suddenly, a faint energy flows from his body into yours, and you let out a muffled gasp of surprise. "I think I feelย you," you whisper.
He's straight up intoxicating. You can'tย help but lean closer, wanting more of that delicious feeling.ย But just when you thought everything was going smoothly, he gently pushesย you away.
"That's enough." He standsย up, his movements very slow, as if deliberately trying to calm himself.
The place where he pushed you away still retains residual warmth, and you lookย up at him blankly, reluctantly missing the heat from the contact.ย
Sylus looksย down at you, his voice very soft, yet unrelenting.ย "Your body is too weak right now, it can't handle any more."
He re-buttonsย his shirt, his movements swift. You suddenly realizeย that those unbuttoned buttons were accidentally done by your own fingertips when you greedily leaned closer.
"Then can we sign a contract?" You also stand up, following him. "I know you're a businessman... you won't agree to anything for no reason. Whatever you want, I can give it to you!"
A glint flashesย in his eyes: "What do you want to exchange with me?"
You straightenย your back, as if reciting a lesson: "I can work for you, help you with chores,ย I learn everything quickly anyway."
Sylus is a little surprised. He walksย in front of you and looksย down at your small figure condescendingly.ย "Miss succubus, are you signing an employment contract or a contract of servitude?"
Youย lowerย your head, mumbling,ย "You can interpret it however you want, as long as you can become my food source."
Sylus looks at you, slowly extendingย his hand, his palm holding a faintly glowing red mark.ย "Then let's sign a contract, so you can absorb my energy with peace of mind."
Upon hearing "absorb energy with peace of mind," you instinctively nod.ย "Okay!"
"Are you sure?" He narrowsย his eyes slightly, lips threatening to pull into a dangerous smile.
You answerย hastily, afraid he might change his mind the next second.ย "Definitely!"
A moment later, he's flicking his fingers, and a faint light landsย directly in your palm, burning like fire. A slight tingling sensation coursesย through your body, pooling into your lower half, leaving you stunned.
Sylus leansย closer to you, red eyes flashing brighter despite the darkness that nowย envelopesย the room. His tone is as calm as if he were reading a newspaper.
"The contract is established. From now on, you can only draw your energy from me."
"...Huh?"
"You just told me, 'definitely'.ย I'm taking that as a permanent binding agreement."
You freeze, slowly realizing there is something wrong with this contract.
"Wait! I thought this is a trial run..."
He bendsย down and whispersย in your ear, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake.
"Sorry, I don'tย do trial periods."
You gasp as you feel another tail entwine with yours.
"You should've known better than to agree to the demands of an archfiend."
By the time you finally finish your meal, you are absolutely stuffed. You don't think you can take another single drop.
As you blearily fall asleep in Sylus' arms, you can't help but feel like you are the one that's been tricked.
Iโm too cowardly to write smut, but if ANYONE (ma mooties?) wants to do a NSFW Pt. 2, I beg on my knees ๐ง๐ปโโ๏ธโโก๏ธ*cough* first time *cough* succubus vs demon;;; EVERYONE GO HARASS YOUR MOOTS!!
Synopsis: On your fifth wedding anniversary, Caleb's first love returns to Linkon City. That night, you catch him masturbating in the bathroom, muttering MC's name.
Huh. So that's why Caleb didn't touch youย in your five whole years of marriage.
Caleb: I promised MC I'd celebrate her birthday with her. I'm just fulfilling a promise I made a long time ago.
You: Okay.
Caleb: I'm going on a mission, MC will be acting as my assistant, she has experience as a Hunter, she's suited for the role
You: Go ahead.
When you stopped getting angry, stopped crying, and stopped making a scene, he's lost.
Of course you weren't angry anymore, because you wereย leaving too.
Warning(s): ANGST. 30k WORDS OF PURE HURT/NO COMFORT.ย Non-cannonical timeline/events (no evol shenanigans). I had an interesting time exploring Caleb's selfish, egoistical, possessive, but also oblivious sides. MC and Gideon are assholes. Liam and Yvetteย are shockingly the best couple. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
29.9k words
A/N: This was a monster of a fic to write; I literally made myself cry in the process. Pleaseย tell me in the comments how much your blood pressure increased by reading this and how you'd like Calebย to die (or if you think he deserves some redemption). In the meantime, feel free to ship non-mcย with any of the other LIs! Thank you to everyone who has been patiently waiting for this super long piece; I hope it lives up to everyone's expectations <3
T - 30 days
The sound of running water echoes from the bathroom.
Caleb is taking a shower.
At 3am.
He hadย just returned from god knows where.
You stand at the bathroom door, a little nervous, wanting to discuss something with him. Just as you are trying to figure out the best way to phrase it, you hear aย strange sound coming from inside. After listening carefully, you realize with a gasp that he was taking care of himselfโฆ
Each breath and groan is like a heavy hammer blow, relentlessly pounding on your heart. The pain spreads like a tidal wave, leaving you sinking in it, unable to breathe.
Actually, today is yourย wedding anniversary. Your fifth year of marriage, and you've never consummated it.
So, he preferred to take care of himself rather than touch you?
As his breathing growsย more rapid, he suddenly lets out a low growl, his voice strained with barely suppressed emotion, "Pipsqueak-"
That one word delivers the final, fatal blow.
Your heart pounds, as if something just shattered into dust.
You tryย to cover your mouth to stifle yourย sobs, and turnย to run, but stumble on yourย first step, bumping into the sink and falling to the floor.
"Y/N?" Caleb's voice inside hasn'tย calmed down yet; youย can tell he is trying to control himself, but his breathing is still heavy.
"I...I need to use the restroom, I didn't know you were taking a shower..." youย stammer, clumsily grabbing the sink to stand up.
The floor and sink areย wet. The more you try, the more helpless the situation becomes. By the time youย finally manage to stand, Caleb emerges from the door, his white bathrobe hastily pulled on with the belt fastened tightly.
"Did you fall? Let me help you." He makesย a move to pick youย up. Tears well in your eyes from the pain, but you pushย his hand away, your expression a mixture of distress and determination. "No need, I can do it myself."
After nearly slipping again, you limpย and staggerย back to your bedroom.
No, "escape" is the more accurate word.
For the five years you wereย married to Caleb Xia, you've been doing nothing butย constantly running away.
Running away from the outside world, from everyone's strange looks, and from Caleb's pity and sympathyโhis wife is a cripple.How canย a cripple be worthy of the brilliant and successful Caleb Xia?
You were not always like this...
Caleb followsย youย out, his voice gentle and concerned. "Did you hurt yourself? Let me see."
"No, I'm fine." Youย pullย the blanket tighter around yourself, hiding your disheveled state under it.
"Are you really alright?" He soundsย genuinely concerned.
โMmm.โ You nodย vigorously,ย back facingย him.
โSo, are you going to sleep? Didnโt you want to go to the bathroom?โ
โI donโt want to anymore now, letโs sleep?โ Youย whisper.
โAlright," he pauses. "By the way, today is our anniversary. I bought you a present. You can open it tomorrow and see if you like it.โ
โOkay.โ The present is on the bedside table; you'veย already seen it, but you already knowย what isย inside without even opening it.
It's the same size box every year, containing the exact same necklace.
In your drawer,ย there areย already nine identical ones. This is the tenth.
The conversation ends there. Calebย turns off the light and lies down across from you. The damp scent of bodywashย fillsย the air, but youย barely feelย the bed sink. In the two-meter-wide bed, you sleep on one side, and himย on the other side at the very edge; there isย enough space in betweenย for at least another 3 people.
Neither of you mentionย "pipsqueak", nor what he had just done in the bathroom, as if nothingย happened. You lie stiffly,ย eyes burning with pain.
Pipsqueak, or MC, was his adopted younger sister, his first love, his goddess.
Upon high school graduation, MC went abroad, leaving Caleb behind. He was devastated.
You and Caleb were classmates in middle and high school.
You admit that youย had a crush on him at the time.
Back then, he was the school heartthrob, a cool and aloof academic star, while you considered yourself pretty ordinary. Not the most academically gifted, nor the most popular or pretty. You had a face everyone could recognize, but not many could describe. Besides, you had larger dreams back then. You were a dancer; started when you were young. The stage was where you felt the most at home.ย
So, it was just a secret crush for you; you never thought you wouldย ever stand beside him.ย
Until you returnย home for summer vacation after graduating from the conservatoryย and encounter Caleb in a wreck.
That night, he was drunk, walking erratically, crossing the street without looking at the traffic lights. A car sped towards him, and you,ย worried andย following close behind, pushed him out of the way, getting hit by the car yourself.
You thought you had done good for yourself up to that point, successfully completing your dance studies and hoping to get a position in one of the large dance companies in the city.
The accident left you with a serious limp.
You'd never be able to dance again.
Shortly after, he swore off drinking and married you.
He was forever guilty, forever grateful, forever soft-spoken, and forever showered youย with gifts and money.
Yet at the same time, forever indifferent.
The only thing he couldn't give you was love.
In the beginning, you naively thought that time could heal all wounds, dilute all the pain.
But you never could have imagined that five years later, he would still remember the name "pipsqueak" so vividly, calling out to her when he isย serving himself.
In the end, you were simply tooย foolishโฆ
When Caleb gets up for his Colonel duties, you still pretend to be asleep. You hearย him talking to the housekeeperย outside: "I have a company dinner tonight. Tell my wife not to wait for me and to go to bed early."
After giving the instructions, he comesย back into the room to check on youย again. You hide under the covers, yourย pillow soaked with tears.
Usually, when he goesย to any of the Farspace Fleet galas, youย wouldย prepare his outfit in advance.
But not tonight.
He goesย to the dressing room to change himself and heads to work.
You open yourย eyes, feeling them swell uncomfortably.
Your phone alarm rings.
It's the time youย set for yourself to get up and study.
Because of your leg injury, since getting married, you spend most of your time at home, rarely going out. You divide your day into blocks, finding something to occupy your time.ย
You pick up your phone, turn off the alarm and start scrolling aimlessly through various apps.
Your mind isย a jumbled mess, unable to absorb anything.
Until, youย suddenly come across a video on a certain social media platform.
The person in the video looksย so familiarโฆ
The account name: Pips_apple.
The posting time was last night.
You click on the video, and immediately, upbeat music startsย playing, followed by someone shouting: One, two, three, welcome back Pipsqueak! Cheers!
It's Caleb's voice.
He broke his vow of abstinence from alcohol.
He'sย even a little drunk.
But would Caleb really shout like that?
The Caleb you remember fromย high school was a friendly, butย aloof academic genius. Not only was he serious when doing course work, but even more so on the sports field;ย he paid no attention to any of the girls who offered him water bottles and love letters.ย
Later, the Caleb who became yourย husband was even more polite, his emotions so stable they were almost unwavering. He never smiled, never got angry. He was always detached, so detached that when you occasionally touched his fingers, even his body temperature was cold.
The camera pansย across everyone's faces in the video. You see a slightly tipsy Caleb, his eyes sparkling, raising his glass and laughing loudly at the camera: "Welcome home, Pips!"
So, he could smile after all.
He could be passionate too.
He would call girls by their nicknames.
Just not you.ย
You close the app immediately, struggling to catch your breath. You open your email, and read the acceptance letter on yourย phone over and over again, atย least a hundred times.
A graduate school offer from a foreign university, the thing youย originally planned to discuss with him last night. Youย wanted to study abroad for aย master's degree; was that okay?
But now it seemsย there is no need to discuss it with him.
Five years of marriage, countless sleepless nights.ย
You needed to get out.
If youย didn't find something to do with your life now that MC is back, how would you pass the long hours? Would youย spend yourย whole life waiting for Calebย to come home?
You had alreadyย waited for too long.
The painย of waiting... is unbearable now.
Today marks the countdown to you leaving him.
T - 29 days
Today your plans are a little different than the usual.
Your offer was likely part of the program's last round of admissions, so you wanted toย confirm it as soon as possible. The first item on your agenda is to pay the confirmation fee to the school. You breathe a sigh of relief as your phone lights up with the notification from yourย bank card deduction.
In the evening, you change your clothes and prepare to go out.ย
Your housekeeper, Mrs. Chen, is surprised. "Madam, where are you going?"
Without Caleb's company, you seldom leave the house.
"Oh, friend of mine is performing at the theatre tonightย and asked me to meet them," you say. Actually, you were going to stay in a hotel in the city. You have an interview tomorrow morningย with an alumni of the program in the area. You were worried about traffic and not making it onย time.
โButโฆโ Mrs.ย Chen looks at your leg, โShall I go with you?โ
โNo need, itโs a get-together with my girlfriends.โ Your expression remains unchanged.
โThen Iโll inform the Colonel.โ Mrs. Chen is uneasy, genuinely afraid something might happen to you, and didnโt want to take responsibility for whatever goes down.
โNo need, donโt disturb him. Iโll call him after and have himย pick me up.โย
As you step out into the street, youย instinctively lower your head and hunch your shoulders, hiding your face into the collar of your coat. Since injuring your leg,ย the confident and vibrant you on stage hasย disappeared.ย
Mrs. Chen always said that it was best if your husband goes out with you.
Caleb always said that you should stay home if he isn't with you.
Neither of them knew.
The only thing you were afraid of more than going out aloneย was going out with Caleb.
Because everyone who sees you looks at you with the same question: "How did someone like him marry a girl like that?"
T - 28 days
Your interview goes surprisingly smoothly. After slowly wandering around Linkon City alone for the first time in many years, you hailย a taxi and head home. In the car, you silently gazeย at the lights outside the window, when suddenly, you see Caleb's car parked on the side of the street.
"Wait, please stop for a moment," youย quickly callย to the driver.
Caleb's car is parked in front of a restaurant.
Yesterday before leaving for work,ย Caleb had casually mentioned that it was his turn to treat his friend group to dinner.
You getย out of the car as if possessed.
Upon arriving,ย you tell the server at the front, "reservation under Mr. Xia," andย give them the the last four digits of Caleb's phone number.
The waiter leads you to aย private room.ย "Thank you," you say, hesitating in front of the door.
From outside, you canย hear lively voices.
"I need to get home early today,ย Iย gotย home drunk last night and my wife wasย furious at me!"
"Come on~ Are we still tight?ย Who's the one that used to always toot "bros before hoes"? Now you're henpecked? Sounds like Caleb's the only real one left!" MC jokes, her voice cheery and light.
So this is the kind of person she was.
This is the kind of personality that Caleb likes.
Unfortunately, you are far from it; you couldn't even pretend to be if you tried.ย
Inside, Caleb's friend continues, "How can Caleb be the same as me? Y/Nย wouldn't dare raise her voice at him!"
"Hey, by the way," MC's soft voice rings out again, "Caleb, I heard your wife is disabled? Why?"
No one answers MC'sย question.
Your heart clenches.
Caleb's group of friendsย startย talking amongst themselves.
"Seriously, Caleb, we feel sorry for you. Look at you, you have money, power, you're handsome, a real catch. What kind of woman couldn't you marry? Why did you have to marry a cripple?"
"Honestly, dude, you're the most outstanding among us. Now that you've married Y/N, whether you're at a meeting, a social event, a press conference, or any other occasion that requires a partner, you can't even take her out. Don't you think you're losing out?"
So that's how it isโฆ
Caleb always said he didn't need you to get involved in his affairs; he was more than happy to provide for you. Everyone praised you for living a life of luxury, but as it turns out, it is simplyย because he doesn't think you are presentable enough.
A bitter laugh comes from Caleb. โShe was so kind to me after all; I owe her.โ
โYou owe her? You've givenย her so much; you've paid it back ten-fold by now!โ
โExactly! You should have just given her a lump sum back then. Was it necessary to jeopardize the happiness of the rest of your life?โ
โI'm telling you, you should really think about it. What can she do for you? She's useless at social events, and you'd even have to worry about her spilling waterย at home.ย "Caleb~ have some water" like this? Like this?"ย
A burst of laughter erupts from the room, mixed with MC's exaggerated gasp.ย "Caleb! Does your wife really walk like that?"
You feel all the blood rush to your head as the anger and humiliation tips you off balance. You force the door open and are immediately met with a roar of laughter.
T - 27 days
One of Caleb's friends,ย Gideon, carries a cup of water in both hands, walking with an exaggerated limp, and calling out in a high-pitched voice, "Caleb, Caleb,ย have some water, Caleb,ย ahโI fell down, Caleb, hug meโ"
The mockingย performance is a hit. MC,ย sitting next to Caleb, leans on his shoulder as she shakes from laughter.ย
You turn to look at your husband, hoping that the person you loved mostย would show some sortย of reaction.ย
Caleb, however, remainsย completely silent.
Gideon turns around with a triumphant smile, "How does that sound, Cale-"
Before he could finish the question, he sees youย standing in the doorway, and his smile freezing. "Y/N..."
Everyone looksย towards the door.
They are stunned.
MC quickly removes herself from Caleb's shoulder, smiling as she reaches out her hand. "Ah! This must be Caleb's legendary wife! Please come in, I'm Caleb's childhood friend."
You look at everyone in the private room, heart turning cold.
Caleb finally stands up and walksย towards you. "Y/N, what brings you here? They were just joking, don't take it to heart."
You stare at the man in front of you,ย feeling utterly unfamiliar with him, more unfamiliar than ever before.
He calls this joking? Soย he'sย actually siding with them?
"Yes, sister-in-law... sister-in-law!ย I'm sorry, I was just joking, don't be angry," Gideon apologized, putting down his cup.
Caleb walksย up,ย intending to put hisย arm around you.
You suddenly rememberย MC laughing on his shoulder,ย his hands pleasuring himself in the bathroom,ย him calling out "Pipsqueak" as he came, and suddenly the thought ofย his hands on you isย utterly filthy.
You dodge his arm. โY/N,โ Caleb looksย at his empty hands in surpriseย and sighs. โI apologize on their behalf. Donโt be angry, okay? Iโll bring you something when we get back;ย whatever you want.โ
MC glares at Gideon playfully. โGo on, apologize! You've made the Colonel's wife angry!ย Do you think everyone is like me, clumsy and clueless, letting you joke around like that?โ
Gideonย immediately gets defensive.ย โI already apologized! I didnโt know she'd suddenly appear out of thin air; I was just joking.โ
โA joke is only a joke if the person it isย about finds it funny.โ You summon all your courage to spit out the words.ย
"Alright, that's enough," Caleb puts himself between you and Gideon.
"Y/N," Caleb's gaze is as calm as ever, "They meanย no harm; they were just joking. For my sake, forgive them. Shall I have the driver take you home?"
"Sister-in-law..." MC pouts as she stands beside him, "If you're really angry, be angry with me. Don't ignore your husband. They only organized today's gathering because I came back... Caleb, why don't you ask your wife to stay for dinner? I'll offer her a toast as an apology."
"Sorry," you lookย at the two of them with a scorning smile. "I don't drinkย alcohol, especially not this tea-flavored liquor."
Caleb's expression turns serious. "Y/N, MC was trying to make it up to you, why are you so sharp-tongued?"
Make it up to you?
Only a fool would think so.
Is Caleb a fool?
No, he isn't. He is simply biased; whichever side his heart leans towards is right.
You lookย at the two people in front of you, and the several people behind them. They were all on the same side, while you are just an outsider who had intruded into their world. No, in fact, you'veย never truly entered their world; not evenย the periphery.
You struggleย to hold backย tears, letting out a soft "heh," before turning to leave.
Behind you, MC's voice calls worryingly, "Caleb, your wife!"
"It's alright, she's very understanding. I'll goย comfort her when I go back." He sneaks a glance at your retreating figure and texts the driver to pick you up.ย
You wipe away your tears forcefully, gait getting more unsteady. Surely, they'll continue to laugh at you after you left, right?
You areย crippled; you aren'tย good enough for Caleb Xia.
This realization had haunted you like a curse for the past five years.ย
By the time Caleb's driver arrives, you are no longer by the restaurant. Caleb frowned at the text from the chauffer. He calls you, but you didn't answer. He tries again, but your phone is switched off now.ย
His buddies speak up more. "Caleb, how did you manage to spoil such a girl? With your status and appearance? There's women willing to grovel at
feet! You're too good natured, letting your wife give you the cold shoulder."
Caleb doesn't say anything.ย
"Marrying her is already a huge blessing! Who else would want herย if not you?"ย
MC quickly interjects at just the right second. "Gege, don't listen to everyone saying bad things about Y/N. They're just want the best for you. Don't take it to heart!"
"I'm not angry," Caleb puts away his phone. "It's alright, she won't go anywhere."
After all, for the past five years, you really haven'tย been anywhere except stayย at home; you had nowhere to go.
T - 26 days
You don't go home.
You check backย into the hotel you stayed at the previous day.
All the grievances and pain eruptย the moment the hotel room door closes.
The image of Gideonย limping, mocking you, kept flashing before yourย eyes, the laughter echoing in yourย ears like a curse.
Actually, youย already know what Caleb's peers say about youย in private, justย never mentioned it to him before.
They were his ride-or-die colleagues, you understood.
He worked very hard for the safety of Linkon City; youย understood.
Therefore, you didn't want to cause him any trouble orย fallouts with his friends and coworkers
But now it seems that you were overthinkingย things.
How could he have a falling out with his friends because of you?
Those were his brothers since his DAA days!
And you?
Merely a debt he owed to himself as repayment forย gratitude; a burden. Without you, his life would be happier.
"She's just a cripple! Who would want her if you didn't marry her?"
"What more could she ask for than marrying someone like Caleb?"
"If I were the Colonel, I'd rather be the one crippled by a car accident than marry someone like that."
Yourย heart and lungs acheย terribly.
With trembling hands, you openย a photo album on your phone you haven't dared touch inย five yearsโa record of yourย training and performances during your undergraduate years.
Since youย could no longer perform on stage, you sealed all your dance-related photos and videos here, password protected, and never opened them again.
Now, your trembling fingers randomly clickย on a video.
Perfectly in time with the music, you twirl, leap, and land lightly on your feet
Back then, you were radiant, graceful, and received thunderous applauseโฆ
So, was saving him a mistake?
Honestly, the moment you pushed Caleb out of the way, youย never thought of marrying him.
He was the one who said he wanted to marry you and planned a grand proposal, knelt before you with a huge diamond ring, and gave youย hopeโฆ
For the first time in five years, you collapseย onto the bed and sobย uncontrollably.
You cry for a long time
So long that no more tears flowย from your eyes, leaving only pain in yourย chest, burning and licking like flames.
Yet the more it hurt, the clearer youย became about your situation.
You go the bathroom and wash yourย face thoroughly to calm down.
Looking at yourย lifeless reflection in the mirror, you silently tell yourself, "Crying once isย enough. Don't cry anymore. Now please take care of yourself for once."
T - 25 days
Perhaps because you didn't sleep a wink the night before out of nervousness for your interview, you actually sleep quite well today. You wake up on time and turn on your phone.
Countless messages flood in all from one personโCaleb.
Walking alone on the sidewalk, head down, you review the student visa application processย until a pair of leather shoes appearย in front of you. You didn't expectย someone to deliberately block your path, andย bumpย into them.
If the person didn't catch you, you definitely would've fallen.ย
Unfortunately, thatย person is the last one you wanted to see.ย
Caleb.
"Y/N!" You can tell he is angry, but trying his best to speak in a controlled manner.
โY/N, why didnโt you come home?โ He holds your shoulders, voice softeningย as gentle and tender as ever.
You shouldย know why Iโm not going home,ย you think, hurriedly stuffing the notes you took from your interview back into your bag, fastening it tightly.
โWhatโs this?โ he asks, looking down at yourย bag.
โNothing, just some paper.โ You feignย composure, fingers gripping the bag so tightly they turnย white.
โGive it to me,โ he offers.
No, you can't let him see them.
You clutch the strapย tighter. "Do you need something?"
"Give me your phone," he demands.
You hesitateย for a moment, then take yourย phone out and handย it to him.
The phone is off.
He glancesย at it only once before handing it back. "I called you so many times and sent you so many messages. Why didn't you reply? Are you still angry?"
You breathe a sigh of relief. He wasn't asking where you were the night before.
If it's only about thatโฆ
You stay silentย for a moment, and decideย you didn't want to be angry anymore.
You just wantย to get away.
Seeing your silence, Calebย assumesย you're still angry and sighs. โY/N, you're supposed to be the understanding one. Why didn't you come home?โ
You swear you didn't want to get worked up about it anymore, but Caleb's words are somehow innocent yet cruel enough to break even a saint.ย
โSo you still think what happened yesterday was my fault? Was I being unreasonable? Should I have praised Gideon for such an accurate depiction as soon as I went in?!โ You couldn't take it anymore.
Caleb's face slightly twitches in embarrassment. โThatโs not what I meant. What I meant was, you canโt control what others say, so just manage your own reaction and pay them no mind.โ
โI canโt control it, but you can!โ you shoot back.ย โBut what were you doing then? You and your pipsqueak, hugging and all over each other.โ
โY/N!" His expression finally changes into something that resembles anger, more intense than anything you've seen.ย
You laugh inwardly.
The name โpipsqueakโ is his Achillesโ heel, an untouchable minefield. You have nothing else to say.
You clutch your bag, planning to walk past him, but he reaches out and pulls you close by the waist.
โIโm sorry, it's my fault. I raised my voice just now,โ he saysย softly. โI just didnโt want you to misunderstand MC. Weโre just ordinary friends, like everyone else. I treat her like my sister. Sheโs not married yet. Don't talk about her like that.โ
You don't understand. They were the ones acting like that, MC brushing up against him so brazenly; why is he so afraid to admit it?ย
"Oh,"ย you reply monotonously.
โY/Nโฆโ Caleb can sense the coldness in your voice.ย โWhy are you still angry? I haven't even confronted you about going to aย hotel by yourself without telling anyone, about notย reply to any of my messages and callsโ.
Yes, it's all your fault. You're the unreasonable one here.ย
Earlier in your marriage, hearing this from Caleb would have been your worst nightmare. But now? You don'tย intend on striving toย be good enough for him anymore.
T - 24 days
Caleb insists on taking you out to eat to "smooth things over".ย
โCaleb, Iโm not hungry.โ You don'tย touch yourย chopsticks. โI have something to tell you.โ
โWhat?โ He smilesย slightly. โIโll go with you wherever you want. Iโm free all day.โ
You stare at his almost imperceptible smile, thinking hard about what you can say to those dreamy, purple eyes.
"Caleb..." your throat closes up, betraying your resolve.
โHmm? Y/N?โ He takes yourย hand. โWhatโs wrong? Want to cry? If you want to cry, just cry. Donโt hold it in.โ
His voice isย so gentle, so incredibly gentle.
Just like back then, when you firstย emerged from the operating room,ย the nurses wheeledย youย back to the floor. He stood by your bedside, his voice so gentle it was almost painful, saying, "Y/N,ย does it hurt? If it hurts, cry it out, don't hold it in..."
Back then, youย thoughtย such gentle care was a good remedy for pain. Unfortunately, it took youย many years to truly understand that a man's gentleness and care could never be transformed into love...
"Caleb, let's get a divorce," you sayย softly, pulling yourย hand away.
He frowns; clearly, he didn'tย expect you to say that.
After a brief silence, he picks up a piece of fish, and gently removesย the bones with his chopsticks, putting it in your bowl.ย "Y/N, I know you're still angry, but bringing up divorce is irrational. What will you do if you divorce me? How will you live on your own?"
T - 23ย days:
Your breathing quickens
In everyone's eyes, for the last five years, you've been Caleb'sย dependent; without him, you wereย a pitiful creature, unwanted and unable to survive.
He thought so too.
"I can do it!" For the first time, you speak up against him,ย wanting to stand up for yourself.
He just smiles, still assuming you areย being stubborn, and placesย the deboned fish in front of you. "Eat. You're allowed to be angry for a while, but you can't be angry until after you finish eating."
"I'm not angry, I really want a divorce!" How can you make Caleb understand that you mentioning divorce isn't just an emotional outburst?
โY/N.โ he putsย down his chopsticks, โI canceled two meetings and a practice flight today just to come and spend time with you. I might not have that much time tomorrow or the day after. Let me say it again, MC is a good friend. I treat her no differently than I treat Gideon and the others. She also likes you a lot and has always wanted to be your friend. With your attitudeโฆ how can I bring her to you?โ
โThen thereโs no need for us to get close.โ You don't think MCย actuallyย wantsย to be friends with you.
โY/N!โ Caleb's voice carries a hint of warning.
You focus on eating instead. Even if you were angry, it's not worth taking your anger out on your own stomach.
"That's right," Caleb's tone softensย again. "Don't mention the word 'divorce' again."
You pause, then continueย eating with your head down.
The next day, you book a physical therapy appointment at AKSO Hospital.
T - 22 days
You need to get used to going out alone, so you decide to do some window shopping. Wandering aimlessly through Universum,ย you spot a familiar figure at a designer jewelry store โ MC.
Looking at the store name, a feeling of unease settles over you as you unconsciously walk closer.
โBuy it if you like it!โ comes her friend's voice.
โI can't do that, Tara!" MC exclaims, "It's too expensive. Even though Caleb gave me hisย card and told me to use it as I please, I feel awkward buyingย such an expensive item!โ
Your steps falter, too heavy to take another step.
โSince he gave it to you, itโs for you to use. When has your brother ever used pleasantries with you He's probably over the moon that you're willing to spend his money.โ Tara replies.
โThatโs trueโฆโ MC twirls, showing Tara the necklace she tried on at different angles. You see it too.
โIsnโt it beautiful, Tara? I really, really love this necklace! I liked it back in high school, and Caleb promised to buy it for me after graduation, but..."
But?
You laugh bitterly at the irony.
But instead, Caleb gives youย this necklace every year for yourย birthday and anniversary.
Originally, you hadย thought that even if Caleb was heartless,ย at least he remembered your birthday and your anniversary;ย even if the gift he chose wasnโt thoughtful, it would at least be expensive.
But it turnsย out he isnโt heartless, nor is he indifferent; on the contrary, he is incredibly thoughtful and devoted. Itโs just that what he holds dear has nothing to do with you.
T - 21 days
You try to talk about the divorce with Caleb again, this time taking the initiative to meetย ย him as he gets off work. You walk into the grand foyer of the Farspace Fleet HQ, preparing to text and let him know you're here, when youย hear his voice.ย
"And that concludes your orientation tour."
You slowly turnย to see Caleb, his adjutant, Liam, and MC walk out of the elevator. You wait until they make their way closer to the front door to approach the group.
"It's been a pleasure showing you around," Liam adds, saluting to MC, "I look forward to working with you,ย Mrs. Xia".ย
You nearly choke on your breath, face red and still sputtering as you appear in front of Caleb. Liam looks at you with confusion. "I'm sorry, and you are...?"
Caleb's face morphs from surprise to horror, and you see the message behind his furrowed brows and pleading eyes: "don't say anything"
You remember the sneers, the joking, the pity.
"I'm a good friend of the Colonel," you say. "In fact, we have a dinner appointment tonight."
Caleb nods vigorously in agreement, quickly dismissing Liam as you, Caleb, and MC walk towards the parking garage.ย
When you arrive at Caleb's car, MC doesnโt move, smiling sweetly.
โOkay, Gege, you guys go home. Iโll take a taxi myself. Y/N, Iโll return Mr. Xia back to you.โ
Back to you? What does she mean, back to you?
When didย you ever agree to lend your husband out?
She takes the opportunity to cling to yourย arm, shaking it sweetly. โY/N, donโt be angry. Todayโs misunderstanding wasnโt intentional. Liam just assumed things because Caleb has never personally brought a cadet around before. I didn't have time to explain the situation."
Her eyes subconsciously flick to your leg before she continues.
โYou wonโt be angry with us, right?โ
โUs?โ you sneer. โWho is this โusโ? Who exactly is with whom?โ You hate strangers getting close to you โ especially her. You pull your arm away.
You swear you only pullย back lightly. You donโt shove her. You absolutely do not push her.
Yet she falls to the ground.
โY/N!!โ Caleb shouts your name.
MC reacts faster than both of you. She scrambles up and blocks Caleb completely โ pressing herself against him. โCaleb, donโt be angry. Donโt blame Y/N, Iโm just careless. She just gently touched me and I lostย balance myself. Gege, please don't get angry at your wife because of me, itโll make me sadโฆโ
Only Caleb believes this act.
Especially when she deliberately raises her wrist โ the scraped skin clearly visible โ right in front of him, the glint of the necklace she bought yesterday, the same as yours piercing your eyes.
Caleb sees the scrape. His brows knit together, eyes filled with obvious concern.
โY/N! Whatโs wrong with you? Why are you so prejudiced against her?โ
โMe? Prejudiced against her?โ you laugh. โWhat prejudice could I possibly have? After all, sheโs Mrs. Xiaย now.โ
โYouโโ He is momentarily speechless before lowering his gaze to MC. โDoes it hurt?โ
โNoโฆโ she whimpers, yet she lifts her wrist closer to his chin.
He actually lowers his head and gently blows on it.
You have never seen him look at you like that.
โIโll put some medicine on it later. We canโt let it scar.โ
Not even after your car accident. Not when you lose your leg. Not when your body is covered in scars.
Back then, he gently asked you,ย โDoes it hurt? If it does, cry.โ
But that wasn'tย heartache.
It was guilt.
He never caressedย your wounds. When faced with your scars, he escapes. He avoids. He refuses to look at them.
โItโs okay, I'm really alright!โ MCโs voice grows even softer
โY/N,โ Caleb calls, looking up at you. โArenโt you going to apologize?โ
โWhy should I apologize?โ A sharp sting rushes into your eyes, blurring your vision. You can barely see his face anymore. โBecause she calls herself my husbandโs wife, I have to apologize?โ
โY/N! Why are beingย sarcastic? Didnโt she explain? Liam simplyย misunderstood. Why are you holding onto this?โ
He is angry again.
He always is, whenever you speak up against her.
You smile and shake your head.
โNo, Caleb. Youโre wrong. I donโt want to hold onto this at all. I didnโt even expose you two on the spot. Whoever wants to be Mrs. Xiaย can take the position.ย I already told you I want a divorce. You should just agree. Then everything becomes perfectly legitimate.โ
You donโt expose them because thereโs no need. Since you are going to divorceย him anyway, why add more trouble to your life? It isnโt worth it.
โYour temper is getting more and more outrageous!โ he snaps. โThereโs a limit to throwing tantrums! Apologize right now!โ
โI wonโt.โ You turn to leave.
โStop!โ He rushes forward and grabs your wrist.
โWhere are you going? You pushed her. Her arm is hurt. You're not leaving without saying sorry."
You stare at the hand gripping you.
Despair crashes over you like a tidal wave.
You look into his eyes and say, slowly, clearly, word by word:
โYes. All I have to deal with is being a cripple for the rest of my life. But oh no, she scratchedย her armโ
A flash of sharp pain crosses his eyes.
He loosens his grip and steps back.
The moment you are free, you turn and run toward the elevator.
No matter how disheveled you look, you donโt care.
You absolutely cannot let him see the tears streaming down your face.
From the day you wereย injured, through your wedding and five years of marriage...
This is the first time you use your injured leg to hurt him.
Before, you wereย so careful aboutย protecting his feelings. You wereย afraid he felt guilt andย remorse, so you never mentionย theย accident five years ago. Even when you had to endure gossip and cold stares, you swallowed everything alone.
But now, is he in pain too?
You can honestly understand to a certain degree.
He is doomed to carry the burden of you for the rest of his life, unable to shake himself free. How can he not be?
His true love is right beside him, yet because of yourย existence, he can't even be with her openly. How can he not be in pain when the urge to let go is pitted against the torment of his conscience?ย
So, Caleb, please let me go, okay?
T - 20 days
You returnย home alone and lay your ten jewelry boxes out in front of you. You stare at the necklaces for a long time, lost in thought.
For a moment, you want to smash each oneย against the wall.
But you don't.
Impulse solves nothing.
After calming down, you download a secondhand resale app and startย looking for sellers who buy luxury goods. You quickly find one in the city and arrange to drop them off tomorrow.
Having dealt with this, you turn on yourย computer and begin focusing intently on your visa application.
You have less than three weeks until you escape your personal hell.
T - 19 days
You are soย engrossed in your work that you don'tย even notice Caleb'sย return.You hurriedly close your laptop when you hear "What are you doing?" coming from the
doorway.
Caleb returns, maintaining his usual gentle demeanor, as if nothing happened. He walksย to yourย side and asksย in a soft voice, "Watching a show? Studying? What's got you so hooked that you're still up?"
He's trying to make conversation.
You press yourย hand tightly against the laptop; the VISA webpage is still open. "You wouldn't care for it"
"I don't even know what it is? Here, let me see. You asked me to tutor you back in high school." He reaches out to try to pry the screen up but you holdย on tightly, refusing to let go.
He assumes you'reย still angry, so he stops trying to take it from you. Instead, he sighs and squats down, staring at yourย profile. "Still angry?"
"No." You're not lying. You've had many feelings: anxiety, disappointment, despair, but definitely not anger.
Anger meant that as long as he coaxed you,ย things would be fine; there was still hope for yourย marriage. But for you, any last drop hope had already evaporated. Five yearsโฆ that was enough.
โY/N, MC and I really have nothing going on. We're just close childhoodย friends. She came back from abroad, and we all got together to welcome her. The misunderstanding at work today was purely accidental. You have to believe me.โย
His voice growsย increasingly sweet. You look into his eyes, unable to see the passion behind the soft words.
Gentleness is like a program written into his body, running on autopilot.
โCalebโ you finally say,ย โArenโt you tired?โ
He'sย taken aback, seemingly not understanding what you mean.
You give him a bitter smile. "You have someone else in your heart, yet you still fuss over me every day. Aren't you tired?"
Caleb's eyes widen. "I don't..."
"Caleb, stop lying to yourself!ย I know some things don't sound so honorable when brought up; it'll make everyone look bad. But actually, divorce is better for both of us. Really.ย MC is more like the Mrs. Xiaย you envision yourself with-"
"Y/N!" Caleb interrupts you. "Are you still holding onto MC? I've told you so many times."
"Caleb, the one who can't get over MC isn't me." You stare at him straight in the eyes. "It's you."
He freezesย again. "Y/N..."
"We both know it, isn't that right?" You try to appear calm. You can't have him think you're just "throwing a tantrum".ย "It's time to put an end toย our five years together, Caleb. Let's say goodbye gracefully. Let bygones be bygones."
Caleb staresย at you for a while, then stands up. "Y/N, you're overthinking it. You'll see later that MC's return won't change anything. It's late, get some rest."
"Caleb Xia!ย I know you feel guilty towards me, but not anymore. I really don't need a marriage based on guilt. Let me go, and let yourself go too, okay?"
Before you even finish your sentence, Caleb takes off his coat and heads into the bathroom.ย
You look at his coat lying on the small sofa. In the past, you would'veย hung it up for him, then found his pajamas and put them by the bathroom door.
But this time, you don't move.
For the past five years, you had always thought that your legs were weak and that youย couldn't contribute anything to yourย family. In fact, Caleb managed everything perfectly, making you feel like a mere decoration, unable to help him in any way. Yet, you still tried your best to take care of him when you could.
Honestly? You might have overlooked the core: perhaps what Calebย needed wasn't your insignificant care, but a presentable Mrs. Xia, someone who could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him in front of the world.
So you truly don'tย understand what he's clinging onto, why he refuses to divorce you after all thisโฆ
Caleb comes out of the bathroom and goes straight to sleep, seemingly refusing to speak further.
You don't bring it up again. Forget it, every conversation is exhausting for you anyways. You're better off using that time to thinkย about your future, strive towards what you have alwaysย wanted, and when youย could leave. Whether or not the divorce is finalized by then won'tย matter.
You glanceย at Caleb beside you; he's already fast asleep.
In the dim light, you can only see a blurry profile of his face. The distance between the two of you seems endless.
Caleb, I've decided not to blame you anymore. I hope you have a happy life after I'm gone.
T - 18 days
You wake up feeling refreshed. As you finish getting ready and make your way down the stairs, you see the look of shock in the housekeeper's eyes.
You're wearing makeup today, and in your favorite dress.
For five years, you barely dressed up. Your leg, covered in scars, not only restricted your movement, but also your self worth andย yearning for beauty. You didn't think you were worth dressing up.
โVery beautiful, Madam,โ Mrs. Chen's admiring gaze doesn'tย lie. โWhere are you going?โ
โThe theatre.โ You shift your weight, a little nervous despite the excitement coursing through your veins. You even wore stockings so that the scars on yourย leg wouldn't be as visible. After settling your feelings, you decide to buy a ticket to see a ballet performance. The only thing you wanted to see at the moment, the only thing you knew would comfort you was dance.
You take a deep breath as you sink into the plush velvet seat in the dress circle. From your elevated view, you can almost feel the warmth of the stage lights and the buzz of adrenaline behind the colossal curtains, your heartbeat quickening as it gets closer to curtain call.
"Y/N?"
You nearly jump as you hear your name, looking wildly around to meet a pair of sea-blue eyes.ย
"R-rafayel?"
You squint as the name comes off your tongue slightly unfamiliarly. It's been nearly 10 years since you saw this old classmate of yours, but the tuft of dark purple hair gives him away.ย The two of you were never in same homeroom back in high school, but his name was very famous among the artย students.ย
"It's been such a long time, how have you been?" He smiles and offers you a hand.ย
Your brain short circuits for a moment, not quite sure how to answer.ย
"My apologies," he quickly follows up his words. "I remember you were a performing arts student, and followed your career briefly after graduation. I know you stopped dancing and got married, married to the man that you saved."ย
You're even more stunned now. But before you have a chance to formulate a reply, the lights cut out, signifying the opening of the show.ย
Tonight's performance isย by the Linkin City ballet, performing a classicalย piece that you've rehearsed countless times in the past.
As the orchestra strikes the first chord, the dancer deep within you is awakened.
Even though you'reย sitting in the audience with a real possibility you'llย never be on stage again, yourย toes subconsciously tap lightly on the ground to the beat of the musicโit's muscle memory etched into your bodyโฆ
At the end of the performance, you can't help the tears spilling from your eyes. Sitting in the audience, listening to the thunderous applause, watching audience members go up one after another to present flowers to the dancers...
Not because of sadness, not because of pain, and certainly not because of despair.
But because of the dance itself, and the resonance you felt in your heart.
This was once yourย passion and your deepest love.
But you had forgotten it for five years.ย
You log onto your empty social media account for the first time in years, and simply post: Tonight belongs to my passion and my dearest love.ย
After the curtains fall for the final time, you turn to Rafayel, still gently clapping beside you.
"I've been unhappy since I quit dancing," you admit, gaze flickering at your bad leg. "But I've had enough of moping around and feeling sorry for myself." You wipe away any remaining moisture offย your face. "Sorry, this just reminded me of how happy dancing made me feel. I'll be going abroad soon to get a masters."
You swear Rafayel's eyes light up slightly in the dim concert hall as he gives you a smile. "Y/N, Little Swallow, I believe you will soar high, even if your wings were once broken."
Back in high school, your nickname was Little Swallow, because you were best known for your somersaults and leaps;ย high and graceful.
Hearing the name again after so many years has your heart racing again,ย as if youย areย back in your youth, sweating profusely in the practice room.
A bundle is placed into your hands. You look down to see a bouquet of flowers, something Rafayel originally brought for one the dancers, probably.
Rafayel simply pats your head.ย "It's not shameful to have a leg injury, it's not shameful to have scars on your legs. What's shameful are those who laugh at you; they are the truly despicable ones! Kind people will only cheer you on." He turns away, but not before calling out, "Let's keep in touch! I'll be in the same city as your program for my next artist retreat. Let me know if I can help with anything." He emphasizes again, "Anything!"
You stand there, watching him disappear into the distance.
This isย the first time someone has told you: your disability isn't shameful; what's shameful are those who mock you.
Words you've wanted to hear for nearly 2000 days, but never had spoken to you.ย
Tonight, it brings you a fresh wave of tears.ย
T - 17 days
You didn't think Caleb would be back after everything going on these days, but the sound of the door opening wakes you up from sleep.ย
Caleb stinksย of alcohol when he enters the room.
He'sย been drinking again.
How much did he have to drink? He throws a chair against the door and collapses directly onto the bed.
You don't have anything to say to him anymore, whether it's to scold him to drink less or coax him to take a shower.ย You get up, intending to sleep in the guest room.
Just as youย reach the door, Caleb's voice sounds behind you. "Where are you going?"
You don't answer.
The bed creaks behind you. Caleb gets slams the doorย in front of you closed and grabs your wrist.ย "Where are you going if you're not sleeping here?"
"I'm going to the guest room, let go of me."ย
You can't really argue with a drunkard. The more you struggle, the tighter he grips your hands.
"Stop fooling around, Y/N.ย What's the point? Since you've apologized,ย I'll make it up to you" his voice slurs.
You're dumbfounded??? What the hell is he referring to?
"When did I apologize?" You haven't even seen him, let alone apologize to him?
Caleb chucklesย softly, mumbling, "Tonight belongs to my passion and my dearest?ย I'm back."
You scoff, wait, this guy actually thought you posted that for him?ย
โY/Nโ He suddenly hugs you. โI know, I know you love me. You'd give everything for me, so no matter what happens, I will never betray youโฆโ
You are stunned for a moment.
He's right.
You've loved him very, very much.
He had said these words at your wedding. At that time, you thought it wasn't a confession, but a promise.
He had given you a promise for a lifetime.
A lifetime is so long. Long enough that you thoughtย one day he would fall in love with you properly. Even if he never loved you, it didn't matter; you thought your love for him would beย enoughโฆ
โCaleb Xia.โ You have something youย wantย to ask him.
โHmm?โ His warm breath brushesย against yourย ear, spreading out, carrying the scent of alcohol.
"But your Pipsqueak is back! What will happen to Pipsย if you're with me?"
"Pipsqueak? Pipsqueak..." He murmured the name, suddenly choking back tears. "Pipsqueak, I won't forget. I promised you, I won't forget..."
You feel as if you just got dunked in ice water.
Is he so drunk that he's mistaking youย for MC?
"What promise? What did you promise Pipsqueak?" you ask numbly.
"Everything... Everything, Pips..." His armsย tighten around you.
You gasp as he suddenly lifts you up and pushes you down on the bed,ย his breath, heavy with the smell of alcohol, glosses over your face, nose, and chin...
He triesย to find your lips, but you avoidย them.
The smell of alcohol makes you nauseous.
When his hands beginย to tear at your pajamas, you immediately turn away.
"Pips, be good, okay? Stop making a fuss..."
Still calling you Pipsqueak...
You struggle fiercely, finally freeing a hand and slapping him hard across the face. A crisp sound ringsย out in the bedroom
"Caleb! Look carefully at who I am! I'm not your Pipsqueak!" you shout in the darkness, your voice hoarse.
His body stiffensย briefly. Taking advantage of theย moment, you forcefully wriggle out of his grasp.
He liesย on the bed, still drunk, murmuring, "Pips, I'm sorry, I have to go home. I promised her I'd take care of her for the rest of my life... I owe her..."
You coverย your ears. Those words haveย haunted youย like a curse for five years; now, whenever they echoย in your mind, your head buzzes as if filled with static.
You scream at the figure beside you, "I don't want you to owe me anything! Caleb Xia! Doย you hear me!? I don't want you to owe me anything! I just want you to set me free!"
Caleb's phone vibratesย at that moment.
You turn your head to see the name of the person calling:ย "Baby Apple."
Ha, Baby Appleโฆ
In Caleb's phone, your contact is "Y/N"
When you were newlyweds, you had fantasized about the day Caleb would call you "sweetie," "darling," or any other nickname that was exclusively yours, or even just "Wife."ย
But no, whether in everyday conversations or in his contacts, it was always just "Y/N".ย
To reassure yourself, you convinced yourself that this was just his personalityโnot clingy, straightforward, and with a strong personality.
You were wrong.
The words "Baby Apple" on the screen areย particularly glaring. You're torn between picking up or letting it ring, but you click on the green receiver anyway.
A soft, delicate voice makes yourย hand tremble.
"Gege, are you home yet? Are you alright?" MC soundsย drunk too, her voice slurred and incoherent. Ignoring the silence on your end, she continues.ย "I know it's hard for you... I also... know that Y/N has sacrificed a lot for you... You don't need to feel guilty towards me... I... we're fine like this now... I don't care whether I'm your wife or not... I just... just glad that you remember me and treat me the same as before... let's stay like this Caleb... She can live in yourย house, and I can live in your heart, I'm content..."
The phone finally slips and fell to the ground.
She lives in your house, I live in your heart.
You stagger out of the room and go to the guest room.
You collapse onย the bed, trying to squeeze all the sounds out of your head.
You never want to think about this again.
T - 16 days
When you wake up, it's Caleb's voice that you hear. He's talking to Mrs. Chen.
"Where did these flowers come from?"
"Madam brought them back last night."
"Madam went out last night?"
"Yes."
"Alone? Where did she go?" Caleb's voice rises noticeably.
"She said she went to see a performance."
"A performance? Who sent the flowers?" He seemed unconvinced.
"I don't know."
"What performance? Where did she see it? What time was it?"
Mrs. Chen hesitates. "Sir, I really don't know."
The guest room door isย pushed open.
You immediately pretend to be asleep.
"Y/N, I know you're awake; your hand just moved."
You open your eyes, internally sighing.
"Who did you go to see the performance with yesterday?"
Why is he so fixated on this question?
You don't answer him, simply pulling the covers over your head and turn your back to face him.
โY/N,โ He sits down, โBe good, okay?โ He reaches out to dig you out from under the comforter.
You rememberย him pinning youย down on the bed last night, calling MC'sย name and telling her to be good. You feel utterly disgusted andย forcefully slapย his hand away.
He gives up, then suddenly changes the subject, "Y/N, what wasย theย "passions and loves" you mentioned last night?"
"It wasn't you!" you huff.
His face stiffensย for a moment, but it quickly turns into a knowing look. "Alright, stop being stubborn. I know you're still sulking and jealous. Didn't I come back as soon as I saw you post that yesterday?"
He seriously still thinks you'reย just throwing a tantrum when you said "not you"?
You poke your head out from under the covers. "I told you..."
Seeing you finallyย come out, his expression softens asย he takes the opportunity to stroke your hair. "That's good. I'll be back tonight, but you don't have to wait for me. Just go to sleep if you're tired."
Without waiting for you to say anything more, he turns and leaves.
You don't care whether or not he comes home.
Actually, this scene isย exactly the same as before.
Before MC appeared, he was always like this, speaking to youย gently, telling you to go to sleep early, and stroking your hair.
You've never argued, not even once.
But so what? What does a marriage without arguments even mean?
If you were to describe Caleb Xia with a single word, it would be "good."
However, you know the truth painfully clearly: all the good things Caleb doesย don't stem from his love for you, but ratherย an act of atonement.
The words "never to dance again" were a devastating blow to both you and him back then.
You still rememberย Caleb's reaction upon hearing those words; after the initial shock, he seemed utterly ripped from his soul.
From that moment on, the vibrant Caleb died.
You were both simultaneously bound by the shackles of "forever"โ youย forever lost the stage, and he forever atoned for his sins.
"I owe her" these three words became the unbearable weight of his life.
From that moment forward, there was no more Caleb Xia; what lived was only your husbandโa walking robot, devoid of warmth and emotion. Aย stagnant pool, mechanically fulfilling the duties of a husband, a partner.
But now he's alive againโฆ
MC returned, bringing light back into his life.
He's started smiling again, his eyes sparkling with light and fire.
You sigh heavily. Even after all this, why wouldn't he let youย go, and let himself go too?
T - 15 days
You step out of the taxi, heart pounding as you approach tall glass doors. After watching the ballet piece, you are once again filled with determination and decidedย to sign up for a beginners dance class. You've been going to your physical therapy sessions dutifully, hoping one day, with enough hard work and practice, you'll be able to stand on stage again.ย You smile at the wide range of participants already there. They greet you warmly, introducing themselves one by one before the instructor walks in.ย
As the class begins, you practice some very simple basics - posture, form, and stances. However, due to your injury, you quickly run out of stamina and spend a good portion of the class on the floor to rest inbetween. You're wiping the sweat off your brow with a towel and bidding goodbye to some new friends as a familiar voice calls from outside the studio door.
"Y/N!"
It's Rafayel?!
ย "What are you doing here?" you ask,ย suddenly feeling a wave of embarrassment as you're stuck wondering how much of your clumsy work he had just seen.
"The performing arts center commissioned a piece from me. It's going to be hanging on the top floor, so I came today to take a look at the atmosphere around here," he supplies, giving you a bright smile.ย
"Nice," you feebly offer.
Rafayel breaks the silence with a soft sigh, "Y/N, I can see the start of a rebirth."
You know what he's referring to, you starting to pick up dancing again. But can you really call what you're doing right now dancing? You could barely stand up straight.
"Don't be like that! You haven't practiced for five years, and you did really well today! I have a photo if you don't believe me." Rafayel takes out his phone, smoothly passing it to you to enter your number.ย It turns out he had recorded the last part of yourย dance lesson today.
"Ah, my phone died" you say, rummaging through your dance bag.ย
Rafayel shrugs and presses "send"ย anyways. "Here, let's go grab something to eat and you can watch yourself on mine.ย ย
The two of you head to a cafe, sitting outside on the patio as you make conversation over coffee and sandwiches. Rafayel shows you the video as you furrow your brows at your posture. You sigh dejectedly. Who would've imagined that the girl once known as "Little Swallow" would struggle like that?
While Rafayel's words of encouragement still doesn't allow you to forgive yourself for falling so far behind, you agree with his sentiment: you were going to grow new wings and explore higher skies.ย
It was at this moment that Caleb drives by, catching a glimpse of yourย smile brighter than the sunset, sitting next to Rafayel, your heads slightly leaned in together as you watch something on his phone.ย
T - 14 days
You feel aย strange sense of oppression slowly growing behind you. You look up to see Caleb standing behind you, face partially covered by shadow.ย
His complexion is stormy;ย he looksย exhausted, and his hair is somewhat disheveled. As he approaches you, the setting sun behind him seems to ignite, mirroring the flames in his eyes.ย ย
โI called you all day, and your phone was off?โ He is clearly suppressing his anger.
You don't know where thisย anger came from. Isn't he very busy? He usually never calls you anyways; why would he be offended that your phone died?ย Afterall, you weren't even angry when he went to take care of MC, what right did he have to dictate how you spend your time?ย
โOh, I didn't expect you to call,โ you say calmly, stirring your drink.
"Didn't expect me to call?" Caleb glances at Rafayel sitting beside you, gritting his teeth. "I'm your husband. If I don't call you, who will?"
You shake your head, pulling yourself up using the armrest. "Who knows? I could have an ex-boyfriend," you say sarcastically.ย
His expression changes,ย and he frown deeply. "Y/N."
Rafayel simply smiles, and turns to address Caleb. "Colonel Xia," he greets him. "Have you ever watched your wife dance?ย
Caleb freezes. Despite being theย High Colonel of the Farspace Fleet, trained in all kinds of interrogation and logic, he could not decipher the meaning behind those words.ย
Rafayel chuckles and bids the two of you goodbye, Caleb's gaze burning into the back of his silhouette.
"Y/N, I've underestimated you this whole time," Caleb says as you get into his car. "You're quite something." His voice carries a threat and suppressed anger.
Yourย mind flashesย to the stench of perfume on his shirt, and scoff,ย "Not as good as you."
"Since when did you get in contact with him again?ย What does he do? I don't want to waste time finding that out myself." His hands restย on the steering wheel, his fingers long and slender. On his left ring finger is a new ring.
His wedding band has been off since the night of yourย wedding ceremony. What's he wearing now?
You smile faintly and hold out your hand.
On yourย ring finger is a jade ring, small enough for everyday wear.
You were the one to pick out your wedding rings. You wanted a small, non-flashy stone because you wanted to wear it everyday, forever. It was a custom pair; his was also jade.ย
The one on his hand is pure silver band.ย
Caleb watches your movements and subconsciously pullsย his left hand back.
You place your hand on the dashboard. "Colonel, canย you please explain when your ring changed color?"
T - 13 days
Caleb freezes for a fraction of a second, before muttering, "it's a formality, it's not that serious."
You nearly laugh out loud. Of course, what can be more serious than marriage?
Perhaps your observation ignited the tiniest shred of shame in him, for his tone softensย considerably, his previous accusatory attitude gone. "I'm asking you this for your own good, Y/N. There won't be another man in this world who treats you like I do. Of course, I'm not perfect; I have my flaws. But I'm sincere, trusting, and unguarded with you. Your name is on all of my assets. It's hard to say what other people's intentions are."
You are immediately reminded of MC's words: She's in your house, but I'm in your heart.
You put on your earbuds, hoping to drown out whatever other demeaning things he has to say.
Seeing this, Caleb hesitates, then drivesย off.
He drops you off at home, saying, "I have more work to do at the office, don't wait up for me," before leaving again.
You stare at the door blankly. You forgot how you used to care so much about those things.
Slowly, you take the wedding ring off your finger. Since it obviously doesn't have any true sentimental value anymore, you might as well sell it for cash.
Actually, if you were going to sell it, might as well sell it as a pair!
You look high and low around the house, but can't find the other one.
Suddenly, you remember that Caleb keeps a safe at home, something you've never thought to open.ย
An idea strikes you.
You don't know the safe's combination.
You try Caleb's birthday, but it didn't budge. You don't even bother to try yours.
You think a little harder, hesitantly putting in the security code for the front door and garage.
It opens!
Inside are a stack of legal documents, property papers, and various other things that must be very important. You easily find the jewelry box with the same brand as your wedding ring, but there is another one in the very back, placed on top of a notebook.
You open the latter and see the another silver ring matching the one on Caleb's finger, along with a necklace with a small apple charm.ย
Your hand rests on top of the notebook, mind teetering between looking and not looking.
Ultimately, your self control wins, but as you move to put it back, a photograph slides out, falling to the floor.
It's a photo of Caleb and MC from their high school days.ย
Honestly, it doesn't mean much. You knew for a long time that Caleb had feelings for someone else before. But since you married him, at least when you married him, you told yourself you didn't care about his past.
You sigh, picking up the photo, and put it back in the notebook.
Fuck it, trying to protect your already shattered heart is pointless now. You open it to a random page, planning to just stuff the photo back in, but you freeze as yourย eyes land on the writing: 100 Little things about Pipsqueak.ย
The first thing listed is: Pips' birthday is May 1st.
Your hand slips, and the notebook falls to the ground.
The code to your house is 20501
The combination to this safe is 0501.
The air in the room seemsย to thin. You press your palm to your chest, gasping for breath.
The second line reads: "I finally bought myself a house. It's in the style that MC likes.ย The password is her birthday."
So, for the last five years, you've been living in the house meant for Caleb and MC...
T - 12 days
You bring the pair of rings to the antique watch shop, having scheduled a time with the owner. The owner is delighted, having previously bought the 10 necklaces you chose to part ways with as well. He ushers you to sit down in the private room behind the counter and pours you a cup of tea.
You excuse yourself to use the restroom, hearing the door open as more customers enter the store.
The voices are familiar.
Shit.
Looking behind you, you see MC's appear, with Caleb in tow.ย
You really manage to run into her everywhere, huh?
It's midday, right when Caleb usually has meetings. He sure has lots of free time now.ย
You go do your business, ducking behind the curtains as you return to avoid being noticed.
"Caleb, look! This store has so many of these necklaces! They're limited edition zodiac ones!" MC points to something in the display case. If you aren't mistaken, it's definitely one of the pieces you sold.
The old man takes it out. "You have a good eye, young lady. The necklaces were acquired recently. They only make a limited amount every year. These ones are no longer being sold."
Caleb looks closely and frowns. "Are they really that rare?"
"Yes, this limited collection began exactly 12 years ago, a zodiac edition with this year being the last edition. It's much more expensive than the regular model. I think I've got the only ten that exists in Linkon," the owner explainsย with a smile.
"No way..." MC exclaims, "can you prove their authenticity if they're really that valuable?"
"Of course! I've got the certificates as well as the invoices for each."
"These ten necklaces, did you receive them all at once?" Caleb, who hasย been mostly silent, suddenly asks.
"Yes," the owner nodsย with a smile, "from the same customer."
Caleb's eyes sharpen. "Show me the invoice."
The owner takes out the invoices and hands them to Caleb.ย
He stares at them harshly, suddenly letting out a cold laugh.
"Sir...?" The old man is taken aback, unsure what the issue was.
"It has nothing to do with you, just give me all of them." Caleb says gruffly.
Even MC sensedย something was wrong and softly asks, "Gege?"
The owner notices you waiting for him. "You're back? Everything alright?"
Caleb and MC looks your way as well, seeing your figure in the back.
You're not sure if it's just your imagination, but Caleb's eyes almost seem to be filled with anger.
"Can you sit down for a moment? I'll show them the necklaces first, and then I'll look at your ring."
"What ring?" Caleb's voice is dangerously low, was full of suspicion upon hearing this.
His gaze falls to the pair of jade rings behind the display case.
"These two?" He tapsย the glass of the display case with his finger, his tone getting even more oppressive.
The owner clearly hasย no idea what is going on, why his customer was asking this, or how to answer. These were items provided by someone else; why isย he asking about them?
You don't intend to put him in an awkward situation, so you answer Caleb directly.ย "Yes, these two."
Caleb's gaze is burning. "Mrs. Xia, you're really something."
It wasn't a compliment, but you reply calmly, "Thank you, you flatter me."
"Get overย here!" he suddenly roars.
You sit down, picking up your cup of tea.
He walks over to you instead, looming in front of you.
Perhaps out of consideration for the outside world, he triesย to suppress his anger, his voice full of sarcasm, "I never thought I'd experience firsthand what it means by 'it's hard to guard against a thief from within the family'. One day, I wouldn't even know if my entire house was robbed."
You ignore him.
"Are you short of money? Is the money I give you not enough?" he hisses.
"No, not at all," you say, "I've been decluttering lately, getting rid of anything useless."
"Useless?" He's furious,ย pointing to the rings in the display case, "You're saying wedding rings are useless?"
You look at him calmly, "Otherwise? If you say they're useful, have you ever worn itย for a even day since the weeding ceremony?"
Caleb is speechless, indignant.ย "One day, you'll sell me off without me even knowing!" "
You laugh and turn to at MC.ย "Do you want this? I'm selling one Caleb Xia, secondhand! I'll even give you aย discount, I promise theย price is favorable."
MC is stunned.
Caleb however, clearly doesn't find this funny. He turns to MC and says, "Pipsqueak, you head back first."
She'sย unwilling, protesting, "but Gege!"
"We'll talk about the necklace later, you go back first!" His expression is serious. MC knew when not to push his buttons. He's in a bad mood,ย and she didn't dare to provoke him. Lips trembling, she saysย gently, "Alright Gege,ย I'll go back first. But don't be too angry. Y/N must have her reasons, please don't scold her."ย
You roll your eyes.
As soon as MC leaves, Caleb immediately presses you.ย "What exactly are you doing? Tell me!"
"I told you," you say calmly, "I'm decluttering things I don't wantย anymore."
You pause, then continue. "Including you, Colonel Xia."
"Are you serious?" His face isย very unpleasant.
"Yes." You were never anything but serious about this.ย
"Y/N! I think you've been provoking me too much lately!" His eyes flashย with anger.
You personally think that his temper has been a bit too volatile lately; the usually stable and gentle Colonel was gone, and MCย was largely to blame.
He calls the owner over, harshly putting his black card on the table.
"I'll take all of them."
The owner wraps everything up, afraid of knowing too much about the uncomfortable relationship between the three of you.
Get in the car!" he demands, dragging you out by your wrist.
โIt looks like I misjudged you,โ he says once he starts driving. โI always thought you were a sensible andย understanding, person, but now it seems you're getting too full of yourself. Look at Pipsโฆโ
โI donโt want to see her, ok?ย You can go spend your time with her if she's that great.โ
You put on your headphones for real this time. You're in no mood to hear about how wonderful MC is to him.
He drops youย off at the entrance of the neighborhood and tells you toย get out.ย โI have a meeting later-โ
You get out and slam the door shut. You don't give a fuck about what he's doing tonight.
T - 11 days
At 11pm, you hear Caleb enter the front door.
You shut down your laptop and turn to scroll lazily on your phone, overhearing him greet Mrs. Chen.ย
"I told you to cook it according to my wife's taste, why did you make it spicy?"
"Madam said...spicy." Aunt Chen's voice was tinged with panic.
"And sheย didn't eat a single bite?"
"Yes..."
"Get me a bowl of rice."
A few minutes later, Caleb enters the bedroom. His tie is loose, the top button of his shirtย undone, the sleeves rolled up to his wrists.
"Aren't you going to come out and have dinner with me?" he asks, the anger from earlier seemingly gone.
For the last few years, he's always come home pretty late, rarely for dinner, but made sure to eat when he came home. You cherished those moments, bustling around him, serving up his food and keeping him company for the little time before going to sleep.ย
What good was your attentiveness in the end? Who knows, perhaps it only served to annoyย him?
โWhat did you eat tonight? From now on, you donโt need to cook according to my taste. Tell Mrs. Chenย to make what you like,โ he says.
You roll your eyes. Heย really thinks you're still trying to gain his favor.ย
He pullsย up a chair and sits down on the edge of the bed. โY/N,โ
What is it now?
He takes a deep breath. โMC really liked that ring. Since you sold it anyway, I gave it to her.ย I just transferred you some money. Take it and buy something you like.ย
Of course.
So thatโs what it's about. No wonder he's suddenly being so friendly with you.
You have yourย back to him and simply say, "Oh," then add, "Okay."
T - 11 days until leaving Caleb Xia: He gave our wedding rings to someone else too. But I don't even want him anymore, so why should I care about the ring?
"So well-behaved today?" His voice softens. "I wanted to buy somethingย for you, but you obviously don't like what I buy."
"Hmm."
"What's wrong? You're asleep already?" He frowns. "Are you feeling unwell? Let me see."
He leans over, wanting to see your face. "Don't tell me you're secretly crying?"
In his dreams!
You give no reaction.
After tucking you in tighter, he looks at your quiet form, hesitates, and finally says, โY/N, I'm going on a mission tomorrow.โ
A mission!
You immediately openย our eyes. This means you can go in person to meet with a lawyer and get your interviews and forms stamped without him knowing!
You sit up, eyes shining brightly. โHow many days are you going?โ
โThree or four days, possibly up to a week.โ He frowns, thinking your reaction isย a bit over the top. What doesย this mean? You were letting him go?
โNo, itโs okay. Who are you going with?โ you follow upย haphazardly, heart pounding with joy.
His expression growsย increasingly hesitant. "Gideon." He pauses, then adds, "Maybe MC too."
"Oh." You lieย back down. "Sounds good,ย tell me before you come back, I'll have Mrs. Chen prepare good food."
He looks at youย incredulously. "You're not angry?"
You shake your head. "Go to sleep early, you have a business trip tomorrow, you need to get some rest."
"Y/N, trust me, a lot more of us will be goingย together..." He movesย closer to you, but you push him away.
"Go take a shower, I've already showered, don't get too close to me."
He frowns. "What do you mean? You think I'm dirty?"
Well, he does reek of MC's perfume.ย
The next day, you're still groggy when Caleb gets up.ย
You had expected him to pack his things and go without leaving you with any words, but unexpectedly, he insists on waking you.ย
"Ugh, sleepy!" You smack his hand away.
"Mrs. Xia," he drawls, standing by the bed. "Your performance is falling. You don't feed me, give me mooncakes anymore, or ask me about my day, and now I'm leaving for a mission and you won't even help me pack my luggage?"
It's true. If this was before, you'd be fretting all over him, his luggage already prepared the night before.ย
You roll your eyes. Fine, you'll pack for him then!
You go into the walk-in closet, and start placing folded clothes and personal belongings neatly into his suitcase. Before you close the zipper, you head over to the bedside drawer, take out a box of condoms, and wasย about to throw it into the suitcase as well.
Your arm is grabbed roughly.
"Where did this come from?" Caleb demands, eyes darkening.ย
To be honest, you originally prepared it for your honeymoon though you never ended up using it. It's probably expired by now, but you thought it would be funny.
You smile.ย โI prepared this especially for you. Tell me, aren'tย I a wonderful Mrs. Xia?โ
โYouโฆโ Caleb picksย up the box and throwsย it forcefully into the trash can, โThat'll be unnecessary! Even if I had a child, I could afford to raise it. Besides, I donโt plan on havingย one anytime soon!โ
He zips up the suitcase,ย locksย it, and leaves with a huff.
T - 10 days
You head to physical therapy again. While sitting in the waiting area for your appointment, your phone suddenly goes off. Your surprise turns into annoyance as you see the caller ID: Husband. Fortunately, there's not many people beside you. After picking up the call, you quietly say, "Hello".
"Why are you speaking so softly? What are you doing?" Caleb asks on the other end.
"I'm at the doctor's,ย it's not good to talk loudly." You quickly take out earbuds, further lowering your voice to a whisper.ย "Why am Iย getting so many calls these days?"
It's really annoying.
He seems even more offendedย on the other end, "Your own husband can't call you?ย Are you annoyed atย me?"
More than annoyed!
You roll your eyesย "No, not really, it's just quite unsettling. What's wrong?"
"Mrs. Xia!" He scoffs on the other end,ย "Can't I call you if there's nothing wrong?" "
You're speechless for a second.
This person is getting more and more irrational.
"What instructions does the Colonel have for me?" you roll your eyes, not believing him.
"You're kidding me!" His tone softensย a bit, "I'm transferring flights, it's not boarding time yet, just wanted to see if you're up."
So he really is bored!
"Don't you have anything to say to me?"
You pop a grape into your mouth, mumbling an "oh".ย
"Y/N!"
??? Why does it sound like he's about to get angry?
"What are you eating that's more important than your husband's safety?"
You finally swallow the grape, "You... you've been attacked?"
A long sigh comesย from the phone, "Never mind, you eat, just hearing your voice is enough, I'm about to board too." The call ended abruptly.
You lookย at your phone, listening to the dial tone, feeling utterly bewildered.
On the other end, MC glances at him several times. "Gege," she calls.
"Hmm? Let's goย get ready to board."
"You seem to miss Y/N a lot. You've made so many calls since we left" she saysย tentatively.
Caleb doesn'tย notice her gaze, only frowning slightly. "Hmm, I don't know why, but I feel uneasy about this trip. I have a feeling something's going to happen."
"You...are you worried something might happen to Y/N? Then ask Liam or someone to go check on her."ย
Caleb sighs. "Y/N doesn't know Liam that well. I don't think she'd appreciate it anyway."
"Then what should we do?" MC asks worriedly. "Should I not have asked to come on this mission with you?"
Caleb glancesย down at her and smiles. "It's okay. I called her already. Hearing her voice is enough toย put my mind at ease."
"Caleb, you actually...love Y/N very much, don't you?" MC asks with a smile, but a darker current ripplesย under her eyes.
He pauses. "Y/N can't live without me. She's my responsibility, so Pips..."
"I understand, Gege." MC smiles, interrupting his words gently and sweetly.ย "Don't forget, I'm the person who understands you best in the world."
T - 9 days
It's a peaceful few days without having to see Caleb. Instead of the anxiety that once filled you every time he wentย away, you feel calm. As you begin packing your things, you get an invitation from one of your old dance buddies. Mina isย visiting home on her trip back from abroad, now a professional dancer on Broadway. You eagerly agree to meet with her, catching up over lunch as the two of you reminisce over the good old times. She's initially a little hesitant to show you photos of herself on stage, worried it'd make you sad, but you quickly reassure her that was not to worry about. Later, as she helps you down the steps of the restaurant, you ask what her plans are for the rest of the day.
"Oh! Umm, I'm actually getting dinner with a larger group of our old classmates..." She looks at you with a flicker of hope in her eyes. "If you don't mind... would you like to join us?"
"Of course!" You say with a smile. "I haven't seen everyone in so long. Do any of them know what happened with me?"
You're referring to your leg.
"That's where I need to apologize," Mina looks guilty. "I told them you injured your leg without asking your permission first... but nothing else!"
You understand. Yourย classmates, whom you haven't seen in a long time, would definitely ask how you were doing. Your leg injury was a fact, and you don't plan on hiding it forever.ย
"It's okay, really!" You're done feeling sorry for yourself. Your goal is to step out of the world Caleb had created for you, and in doing that, you will inevitably face all sorts of stares and judgement.ย
"Then I'll reply to them!" Mina saysย happily.
"Let's go! They said they're heading out soon". The meet-up location is nearby. By the time you and Mina get there, some of your classmates have already arrived.ย The enthusiasm they show youย exceed your expectations. They mention your leg, even gathering around to examine it, but without malice, as if your leg wasn't anything serious, like a minor inconvenience like a cold. You liked this atmosphere; it's much better than deliberately trying to protect yourย pride. Everyone isย treating youย as a normal person, just with a leg injury.
It'sย a pleasant evening. The group singsย old songs from high school on the karaoke.ย After three or four hours, you all get tired and sitย down to chat, reminiscing about the past and having some drinks to liven things up. Even you, encouraged by everyone, drink quite a bit.
Among yourย classmates, some have hadย good times, others have experienced setbacks. Talking about the past, people begin talking about regrets.
Someone says, "If I had known this would happen, I would have studied harder in high school and not skipped so many classes."
Another adds, "If I had known he also liked me, I definitely wouldn't have been a coward on graduation day; I would have confessed to him. I've missed my chance all these years."
A good amount of sentimentality is triggered by the alcohol, and for a moment, everyone's eyes areย filled with tears. From your teenage yearsย to approaching thirty, everyone has had some regrets.
"Y/N, what about you? If you could do it all over again, what would you do?" someone asks you.
You hold a glass of wine in your hands, ruminating in thought.
The image of osmanthus blossoms from that Mid-Autumn Festival many years ago flashesย before your eyes, twinkling like stars.
You smile faintly, "If I could do it all over again..."
Caleb pushes open the door to the private room.
"If I could do it all over again, I want to eat all the mooncakes from that Mid-Autumn Festival in our second year of high school by myself! I'm not sharing it with anyone!"
Was it the alcohol? The bitterness in your heart is amplified. You take a deep breath and look up, only toย see someone standing in the doorway under the flickering lights.
Caleb.
Your classmates don't quite understand what you're referring to, and assume it is some old pastry shop that has closed, the mooncakes never to be tasted again. You can't see it, but Caleb's fists clench at his side, knuckles turning white.
"Hey, Caleb!"
Finally, someone notices him come in.
You're a little dizzy, seeing two Calebs approach you.
"Caleb Xia! You're so late, shouldn't you take three shots as punishment?" A classmate named Xavierย places three glasses down in front of him. โSorry, I'll have to decline.โ Caleb puts his arm around you, looking down at your tipsy form. โIโm here to pick up my wife. I have to drive later.โ
โCall a cab!โ
Caleb gives a polite smile. โThat wonโt do. If I drink too much, who will take care of her?โ
You areย aย little drunk, but still conscious enough to hear him and what's going on. Under the influence ofย alcohol though, your actions are more unrestrained. Your first instinct is to push Caleb aside, muttering, โI donโt need you to take care of me. Goย away.โ
โY/N, youโre really drunk. Letโs go home.โ Caleb tries to pick you up.
โNo!ย I donโt want to go homeโฆโ You struggle in his arms.
โDoย you hear that? Y/N isnโt going home!โ Xavier pushes Caleb's shoulder, forcing him back down.ย
Mina sensesย something is off. Xavierย had quite a bit to drinkย todayย and was probably drunk by now. Worried about the boys starting trouble, she quickly tries to break it up.ย "Alright, it's getting late. We've had our fun, let'sย start packing up."
"No way!" Xavier doesn't back down, gripping Caleb's shoulder tightly. "You're not leaving until you finish this drink!"
Caleb, as the Farspace Fleet Colonel,ย is incredibly perceptive.ย His expression darkens. "Xavier Shen, I'll let it slide since you've had too much to drink, but you'd better watch yourself!"
"Watch myself?" The rage in Xavier's eyes areย now impossible to conceal. "Caleb Xia, I'm telling you, watch yourself!"
Xavier moves to grab his collar, but not before having his wrists clamped forcefully by Caleb.ย "Xavier Shen! Did you come here to cause trouble?"
"Yes!" He shouts, "I came here to cause trouble! Caleb,ย what the hell did you do to Y/N? What exactly did you do to her!?" He roars,ย his eyes bloodshot.
Caleb's eyes sharpen, his hand still gripping his wrists, veins bulging on the back. "Listen here, Shen.ย My wife eats well, sleeps well, lives in a mansion, and I pamper her like a princess. Who are youย to concern yourself with our marital affairs?"
"Is that so?" An incredulous laugh follows. Xavier didn't believe Calebย at all, both men rising from the sofa.ย "Then tell me, howย did Y/N become like this? What happened to her leg? She's a dancer! When she dances on stage, she's as graceful as a swan. What did you do to her? Take goodย care of her? Why then did she become like this after getting married? Five years, and you've been covering it up, saying sheย doesn't want to come out and socialize! You're lying! Do you beat her at home!?"
"My wife and I are doing just fine! Why her foot is like this is her privacy, there's no need for me to explain it to you, Xavier! Don't forget your place in front of me, and don't you dare try to play anyย tricks on my wife!" Caleb yanksย harshly, pushing the other man away so hardย the buttons on his collar pop off.
Already quite drunk, Xavier loses his balance, staggersย a couple of steps, and falls onto the coffee table, knocking over a bunch of bottles and plates.
"Caleb,ย I've wanted to beat you up for ages!" He scramblesย upย and lungesย at him.
Fearing trouble, rest of your classmates rushย forward to restrain him.ย "Caleb! Take Y/Nย and leave! He's drunk, andย you haven't been drinking -ย calm down Xavier! Don't cause any more trouble!"
Caleb tugsย at his collar, giving Xavier one last cold look, then puts his arm around your waist and lifts you up. "Let's go, my wife. Don't comeย to parties like this again."
You'reย practically dragged and carried away by Caleb.
"Why didn't you let Y/N attend the class reunion!" Xavier shouts from behind you. "Caleb Xia, what skeletons do you have hiding in your closet?!"ย ย
Caleb stops. "I don'tย feelย guilty about anything. Youย better not be the one with things to hide!"
"Me? Guilty?" he laughs. "Alright then, Caleb, I have a question for you! Were you the one who threw away all the love letters I put in Y/N's locker back then?"
Love letters?
How did you not know that Xavier Shenย had written youย love letters?
You glance back, only to be swept up in Caleb's arms and quickly carried out of the private room.
Everyone else is leftย exchangingย bewildered glances: Xavierย liked you back in high school?
Xavier struggles against the boys, shouting, "Let me go! I'm going to beat Caleb Xia to death! That fucking hypocrite!"
"Xavier, you're drunk, stop it." They don't letย go, afraid he'd really chase after you.
โCall him back here!" Xavier demands.ย โIโm going to call him here! Iโm going to teach him a lesson!โ
โXavier! Get your head screwed on straight!โ
โDonโt stop me! Do you know how much Y/N loved to dance? She was in the practice room before class, after school, and weekends too! Sometimes sheโll even do a somersault while walking! Sheโs such a passionate dancer, a perfectly healthy person, and now her leg is injured - there's no way she's not heartbroken about it! That bastard Caleb Xia keepsย lying to us, saying Y/N doesn't like going out. He's done something to her, I bet my fucking life on it!โ
Caleb's already brought you to his car, carefully placing you in the passenger seat.ย
The minute he gets into the driver's seat, he catches you trying to open to the door, and he immediately locks it.ย
"Open the door! I want out!" You feel your head spinning, the alcohol really settling in."
"You're drunk, Y/N." He says, sighing.
"I'm not drunk!" You insist. You clearly heard many voices back there, and you heard Caleb call you his "wife." Something is wrong! He's never called you "wife" before, only ever by name, or at most "Mrs. Xia" when he's angry at you, and you can sense that he uses the term sarcastically. Moreover, you can tell he's in an unhappy mood right now!
He rolls down the window, letting you get some fresh air.
"What did you mean by what you said in the private room?" Caleb's voice sounds particularly cold in the cool breeze.
"What...what did I mean?" What was he talking about? You said a lot of stuff today.
"You said you wouldn't give your mooncakes to anyone else, what did you mean?" He restsย his hands on the steering wheel, looking ahead, his eyes sharp.
"Um...not...not for Caleb Xia." Your head feelsย heavy, and you close your eyes tightly.
"Why?"ย
You smile, sad laugh escaping your lips.ย "Because I don't want to pursue him anymore...I gave my mooncakes to the wrong person..."
"Is that so? The wrong person?" Calebย leans closer, "Who areย you going to give them to then?"
"Give them to..." Your mind is a little confused. Who else would you give them to?
"To Xavier?" He suddenly speaksย as if interrogating you, his tone fierce.
The name reminds you that you had supposedly gotten multiple love letters. You frown, eyes getting hazy, looking at the face before you, murmuring, "Why did you throw away my love letters? They were from someone else."
"I'm the class monitor!" Caleb says sternly.ย "The school doesn't encourage early relationships!"
You furrow your brows... that reasoning...ย
You punch his shoulder hard. "What's it to you? You're just the class monitor, not even my homeroom teacher! The love letters heย gave me are my privacy, what does it have to do with you! Why did you throw them away, you bully!"
Your eyes are blurry. Although your punches don'tย hurt much, each one lands with force, solidly striking his shoulders and chest.
"Are you angry?" He grasps your hand. "You're angry because I threw away your love letters?"
"Of course I'm angry! If someone wrote me a love letter..." Youย vaguely recall how you felt back in high school. The mess of hormones in early puberty, the insecurities you had, the self-consciousness about every little thing about you. Minaย and the girls around youย all received gifts and notes from boys, but youย never did.
You weren't very close with your parents, having grown up by your grandparents' side. But it seemed to you that no one, not even your parents, loved you, let alone any boys. You weren't sad about not receiving any confessions, but if you did, it at least would have been an important form of affirmation; at least you were good in someone's eyes.ย
โWhat if you did? Would you date him?โ Caleb pressesย on relentlessly.
Your frown deepens. When did you ever say youย wanted to date someone?
โLet me tell you, those boys were all immature squirts back then! Whether it's Xavier or whoever else you wanted to give your mooncakes to!ย You're easilyย moved by anyone who showsย you kindness! You'd only ended up getting taken advantage of!โ
Your face contorts into a grimace. You're barely holding onto your consciousnessย and Caleb's stupid face seems to multiply into four in yourย vision. You shake your head, trying to shake the other three Calebs away. โNo... Xavierย isnโt that kind of person youโre describing.โ The Xavier you recall is a sleepy boy, getting in trouble for napping in class, often found under the shade of trees with a stray cat in his lap.
โThen what kind of person is he?โ Caleb suddenly raisesย his voice. โAnd the other person you had in mind, who is he?โ
โHeโsโฆ genuine... and very kind. If heโs good to someoneโฆ heโll always be good to themโฆโ A flash of white hair enters your mind. You try to remember a face, thinking really hard, but only seeing the creases of someone's summer uniform. You didn't interactย with him much in high school, but you knew he secretly kept a crow as a pet on his dorm window ledgeโa pitiful little thing he pickedย up one day and never let go. "He's... a good person..."ย you mumble. ".... Q...qin..."ย
You black out.
T - 8 days
You wake up to a splitting headache, nauseous and parched. The midday sun is high in the sky. Stumbling down from the bed, you trip and fall with a loud 'thud'. You rub your eyes, trying to clear the fog still in your brain, but before you find your balance again, you're being lifted and put back into soft sheets.ย
Caleb stands at the bedside, looking displeased, but to your surprise, doesn't scold you about your clumsiness as he usually does.
You purse your lips, also not particularly eager to talk about what happened last night.ย
He brings you a try of light breakfast foods; some chicken soup congee, pancakes, and a few side dishes. "Eat. Mrs. Chen is off today. I cooked."
You stare at the food in front of you, head still in a daze.
The colonel... cooked for you?ย
This is the second time you've ever eaten something Caleb has made for you. The first since you got married.ย
Slowly picking up your spoon, your mind flashes back to the last time you experienced this.
You were only in your first year of high school, your homeroom had organized a camping trip.
Outside, all your classmates run around joyfully, like lambs in a field. Yet Caleb was already a quiet and reliable person, getting ready for lunch.
He was always clean and tidy,ย presentable and strong. That day on the camping trip was the most disheveled you had ever seen him.ย
He knew how to cook, but that didn't mean he was able to do it easily outdoors.ย
He couldn't figure out how to start the fire. He struggled earnestly, face and hands stained with soot.
You were different. When you were young, your grandparents brought you back to the village often. You built fires, scaled trees, and caught insects with all the other children over there. Despite being in a different group, youย felt bad watching him struggle like that, so you goย over, emptied his stove, and started a fire for him.
He stared at the blazing flames, momentarily stunned. Perhaps too self-conscious ofย his disheveled appearance, he didn't even thank you.
But afterwards, his performance became much more consistent. Judging from the way he cooked, it was clear he was used to doing domestic chores at home.ย
His group thanked him by saving the chicken leg for him. But he didn't eat it. As he passed your group, he places the drumstick in your bowl.ย
That was the moment your heart started pounding for him, despite being the firstย of only a handful of times you ever interacted with him.ย
That night, your dreams were filled with his image; his determined face, covered with soot, his slender fingers as he cut the vegetables,ย his meticulous and focused expression as he cookedโฆ
The next day in class, you watch his profile as you absent-mindedlyย filled a whole page with his name, โCaleb Xiaโโฆ
Later, that piece of paper disappeared, but thoseย words were etched firmly in your heart, impossible to erase.
The next time you ask him a question was after parent-teacher conferences. The teacher took note of students whose parents did not show up. You were one of them. Coincidentally, he was too.
Classmates whisper about what happened. A few of the students failed to inform their parents about the meetings, afraid of punishment for their poor grades.
But Caleb wasn't like that.
He was at the top of the class.ย
"Caleb Xia! You got first place in the entire grade, why aren't your parents here? If I got your score, my parents, grandparents, and even my dog would come!" someone yells.
Other students chimed in, "Yeah, Caleb, you got good grades, why aren't your parents here?"
He replies simply.ย "Don't ask, they're dead."
Later, you witness something you probably shouldn't have seen.ย
Caleb stands in an inconspicuous corner by the school's back gate. A dark car pulls up in front of him, the window rolled down, and he throws a wad of cash at the driver, hitting him in the face.
The person in the car points a finger at him, cursing, โYou scoundrel! You think just because your parents offed themselves that you're safe with little old grandma?"
You're stunned. Unaware of his family's situation.ย
Caleb is stubborn, refusing to reply beforeย he turns and walks away.
The driver calls after him shouting, "You'llย join us one day, Caleb! Let's see how you survive!"
The sunset was blinding, bathing him in a golden light. He laughs defiantly, "Don't worry! I'd rather be bought out by a rich old lady than go with you!"ย
What kind of talk was that! Coming from a high schooler!ย
You don't know where you got the courage that day, but you walk up to him, eyes wide, voice panicked, "Caleb, whatever you do, don't sell yourself out like that!"
You don't know if you were imagining things, but you saw something that looked likeย glistening tears in his eyes in the setting sun.
They flash for a moment beforeย he turnsย away, coldly smiling, "So, you're going to sponsor me?"
You fall silent.
That was Caleb's most irrational moment. Even now, more than a decade later, you never saw him as vulnerable again.
The next day, you take a math problem to him and ask how to solve it.
He raises a single eyebrow, not saying a word.
You thought he hadย refused, yourย head hanging low.
Finally, he toreย off a piece of scratch paper and beganย to explain while drawing on it. He talked for the entire break before finally asking, "Do you understand now?"
You nod frantically. Then throw down five dollarsย and run back to your seat, completely unaware of Caleb's expression behind you.
You didn't have an allowance either, saving up those five dollars from running small errands here and there for other classmates and neighbors.
After school, Caleb blocked you on your way to the dorms. He stood under a sycamore tree, sunlight filtering through the leaves, casting dappled shadows over him.ย
You don't dare to lift your head, trying to walk past him.ย
He stands in front of you. "Why aren't you looking at me?"
The heat was unbearable, making your face flush. You're too embarrassed to say anything.ย
He scoffs, "you were quite bold earlier when you wanted to buyย me out."
You lower your head even further. "I...I didn't mean..."
A five-dollar note is thrust in front of you. "Isn't this it? You think you can keep me for five dollars?
Before you can even clarify that you just wanted him to tutor you,ย he interrupts you, shoving the money back into your hands, swiftly leaving you behind with a single sentence: "I don't need your pity."
Your heart ached.
Later, he skipped three days of class. When youย saw him outside school with a black armband pinned to his sleeve, when he returned to class and said, "Y/N, my grandmother passed away," yourย heart ached like that again; the pain crashing down like a tidal wave.
That Mid-Autumn Festival,ย everyone went home for a reunion dinner with their families and ate mooncakes, including you.
You went to yourย grandparents'ย house.
But he no longer had a grandmother to go back to.
After dinner, on yourย way back to school, the osmanthus trees near the dormitory were in full bloom, their fragrance rich and intoxicating.
By sheer coincidence, you see him standing there, alone.
You hand him a mooncake, filled with fresh meat, made by your grandmother.
That night, you sat together under the osmanthus tree, eating mooncakes.
Neither of you saidย a word. After finishing the mooncake, he went to the classroom, and you went back to yourย dorm.
The warm feeling from that night haunted you, driving you to accept his proposal 5 years later, despite not knowing each other well at all.
You once saw a comment online that said "Feeling sorry for a man will make you unhappy for life."
You didn't know what that meant back then.
Now, youย understand.
T - 7ย days
Only a week left.
It's routine now, heading to your physical therapy appointment. With your departure so close, you try a more rigorous session. Carrying weight, light hops, landing on your bad foot.ย
Due to the strain, your entireย body aches from head to toe. You're sweating almost immediately. Within five minutes, you are completely drenched.
โIf you canโt keep going, just say so. Donโt force yourself,โ the therapist comments.
Sweating heavily, you nod. โI know. Iโm fine. I can manageโฆโ
Before you finish speaking, you collapse to the ground with a thud.
โAre you alright?โ they rush forward to help you up, but someone pushes past them.
You are suddenly lifted into someoneโs arms. When you look up, you meet Calebโs anxious eyes.
โWhat the hell are you doing?โ
You try to struggle, but your muscles give you. Held in his arms, you see a dark storm swirling in Calebโs eyes.
โWhat exactly is she doing?โ Caleb asks the therapist this time.
โSir, sheโs in physical therapy. Rehab.โ
Caleb scoffs. โRehabilitation? What kind of rehab is this? Looks like it's doing more harm than good.โ
โCaleb!โ you grit out. โYou stay out of this!โ
He's already carrying you out.
โCaleb!โ
โSir, Ms. Y/N'sย recoveryโโ You and the nurse speak at the same time, but Caleb abruptly cuts you both off as he walks away.
โSheโs not doing it anymore.โ
โCaleb, you have no right to decide my affairs!โ Anger burns in your chest. When you needed him most, he was never there. And now he suddenly appears just to interfere with your plans?
You're already out in the hall, in full view of nurses, patients, and waiting family members. He carries you straight through the clinic.
โCaleb!โ You hate your own helplessness right now, but very time you try to move, your muscles scream in pain. You can't simplyย jump out of his arms.
Zayne Li, a previous upperclassman and now doctor, happens to walk out of his consultation room and notices the commotion. He approaches the two of you with concern.
โWhatโs wrong? Y/N, is the rehabilitation not going well?โ
"Dr. Li, can you explain why my wife is in so much pain? Are you sure your rehabilitation training facilities here are sound?" You're shocked by how Caleb treats an old acquaintance, glaring at the doctor. His tone carries not only doubt, but a hint of accusation.
Zayne explains patiently. โThis rehabilitation program Y/N chose is indeed intense and very challenging. But if she perseveres, I can promise it will be effective. The pain is like bones being rebuilt. As her husbandโโ
โAs her husband, I refuse to let her undergo such a cruel course!โ Caleb interrupts sharply.
His face is ashen as he carries you away.
You are furious. Turning toward Zayne, you say quickly, โDr. Li, Iโm sorry, Iโโ
โShut it!" Caleb snaps.
He carries you straight to the parking lot and shoves you into the car.
The nurse runs after you, handing you your bag.
โMs. Y/N, youโฆโ
โIโll come again tomorrow,โ you say with a faint smile. The pain today was almost unbearable, but you have no intention of giving up.
Once you set your mind on something, the word "quit" isn't in your dictionary.
Just like years ago, when you discovered your love for dance, you pursued it without hesitation.
Like when you fell in love at sixteen, you pursued it wholeheartedly, even if it meant running repeatedly into a wall and coming away bruised.
And like now, determined to get back up on your feetโyou will never look back.
Caleb closes the car door, and gets into the drivers seat.
โYou won't be coming back here tomorrow.โ
โCaleb!โ You're livid. โWhat right do you have to interfere with my freedom?โ
โBecause,โ he says slowly, word by word, โIโm your husband.โ
You think about everything that's happened and could only laugh at his statement.
โMy husband? A man who dedicates his whole life to another woman is my husband? Caleb, donโt be ridiculous.โ
So funny that you almost donโt even feel sad anymore.
Caleb turns the rearview mirror toward you.
โLook at yourself. Look at what you look like now.โ
You glance at your reflection.
Your hair is soaked with sweat. Your face is damp, and your clothes cling to your body after the brutal training. You look disheveledโtruly disheveled. Even now your lips tremble slightly, and your hands still shake.
But you donโt think anything is wrong.
This is proof of your effort.
โWhatโs wrong with me?โ You touch the healthy flush on your cheeks, satisfied.
โY/N, you donโt need toโฆโ Caleb sighs. โI know youโre being stubborn. MC is back. Sheโs more beautiful than you, healthier than you, more capable than you. Youโre upset, so you push yourself like this, wanting to prove yourself to her.โ
You stare at him. Is he out of his goddamn mind?
โY/N, you donโt have to suffer like this. Seeing you so exhausted makes my heart ache.โ His gaze softens. โYou donโt need to compare yourself with anyone. No matter what state you're in, youโre still Mrs. Xia. That will never change.โ
โAnxious? Me, competing with your MC?โ You interrupt incredulously, unable to hold it in it any longer. โCaleb, how dare you!โ
โFirst, I have never compared my beauty, health, or ability with your dear Pipsqueak. Second, my life is full of wonderful things, none of which involve you or her. And finally, I've told you a hundred times: whether or not Iโm Mrs. Xia, I don't give a shit!"
What on earth makes him think your entire life revolves around MC?
But Caleb refuses to believe you. His expression shifts from gentle to mocking. โY/N, if you werenโt jealous, would you be so determined to make me jealous? Youโre wrong. It will only push me further away.โ
You roll your eyes. Talking to someone like this is exhausting.
โAnd you say you donโt care?โ Caleb sneers. โThe more someone lacks something, the more they pretend not to want it. Y/N, donโt think I donโt know. You had a crush on me in high school. You asked me to help you with homework just to get my attention. You gave me mooncakes during Mid-Autumn Festival because you wanted to pursue me. After university, you even risked your life to save me. And now you say you donโt care? Who would believe that?โ
You freeze.
You thought that after everything youโve been through, nothing could hurt you anymore. But you underestimated how deeply this relationship could still wound you.
He knows everything.
Yes, you once liked him, but that was a secret you kept to yourself.
You asked him to tutor you because you wanted a way to pay him without hurting his pride.
You gave him mooncakes during Mid-Autumn Festival simply because you wanted him to feel a little warmth on that lonely holiday.
And later, when you saved himโฆ
Even though it left you with a limp, you never expected repaymentโlet alone marriage.
You had already accepted defeat in this marriage. You built a hard shell around yourself, telling yourself not to feel pain anymore. Yet somehow, every act of kindness you once showed him has become an arrow he now shoots back at you, piercing straight through your armor.
You suddenly feel too tired to explain anything. When the day finally comes that you leave him completely, he will understand whether you ever cared about the title of Mrs. Xia.
Seeing you fall silent, Caleb reaches out and wraps an arm around your shoulders again. You hold your breath.
You remember a Mid-Autumn night long ago. The two of you sat under an osmanthus tree eating mooncakes. He smelled faintly of sweet osmanthus. That fragrance drifted through your youth for years, warming you.
But now, when Caleb comes close, all you smell is suffocating perfume.
Disgusted, you turn away and slap his hand aside.
โDon't touch me. I told youโit disgusts me.โ
Anger flashes through Calebโs eyes.
Yet he doesnโt shout. Instead, his voice softens.
โY/N, I know you love me. The vow I made will never change. You will always be my Mrs. Xia."
These words have never sounded so grating against your ears.ย
T - 6 days
Today is the day you are scheduled to pick up your visa. You pack your purse carefully, pausing when the little rectangular piece of plastic that has always lived in your shared bedroom drawer is gone. Where did your ID go? You look everywhere in the room. Still nothing. Your pulse rising, you think back to the last few days. You haven't touched it at all. Caleb! He was rummaging through here this morning.
You immediately pick up your cell phone to call him. Shockingly, he answers on the first ring.
"Caleb, do you have my ID?" You ask, slightly breathless.
"Good morning to you to," he says sarcastically.
"Caleb! Is it with you!" You press on.
"Yes." His reply is short and straight to the point.
"Why did you take it?" You're exasperated, concerned you'll have to reschedule for later.
"Why do you need it?" He shocks you by turning your question against you.
"None of your business! I need it today."
A slight pause from him on the other end. "Come get it then."
"Get it... from your workplace?" You say incredulously.
"If you want it, come get it." He hangs up.
You stare at your phone dumbfoundedly. Then immediately call a cab to the Farspace Fleet HQ.
You've never really came to his workplace in the five years you spent together. The only other time you recall entering the building wasn't theย most unpleasant experience for you either.ย
You text him as you enter, informing him of your arrival.
He doesn't reply this time.
You call, but it doesn't go through.
You frown. Was he in a meeting?
You don't have all day, so you are forced to go to the front counter and reveal your identity.
"The Colonel's wife?" The receptionist looks at you and laughs. "Young lady, everyone who comes here claims to be the Colonel's wife. If you're going to think of an excuse, find one that's less clichรฉ."
"I'm serious. Call the Colonel, and tell him Y/N is here. He'll know to come down." You're not in the mood to play games.ย
"That's what they all say. If we did that, you'd think the Colonel wouldn't have time for anything other than dealing with people like you all day."ย The receptionist rolled her eyes and muttered.
"People like me?" You frown. "And pray, what am I?"
"Shameless women who want to climb the social ladder without working for it!" the receptionist laughs. "At leastย other women come here with presentable features, but now we're getting cripples? You should at least know your place!"
Is it really true that birds of a feather flock together? You can't wrap your head around her thinking. Why is it that no stranger outside of Caleb's circleย harborย any ill will towards you and your leg, while everyone around Caleb is like this?
You're thinking of going home and getting your marriage certificate to prove your place; you certainly aren't going anywhere by talking to the workers down here.ย
Just then, the elevator door opens, and Liam walks out. Seeing the Adjutant, the receptionist immediately turns respectful.
"Adjutant Lin!" She greets him properly.ย
"Madam Y/N, I am the Colonel's Adjutant. Please come with me." He leads the way, letting you into the elevator. The two of you head straight to the top floor.
"The Colonel is in a meeting right now," he explains, leading you to a small office. "Please wait in here for now."ย
You thank him and put your bag down.
A few minutes later, a knock is heard, and a lady emerges from the door.ย
"Ms. Y/N, I am the Colonel's secretary. Would you like something to drink?"ย
"Anything is fine, or just water," you reply.
She returns with a glass of juice. "Is passionfruit drink ok?"
"That's wonderful, thank you." You take the glass.ย
"Just sit tight, I'll come get you once the meeting ends." She smiles, and closes the door behind her.ย
Fifteen minutes pass. Then twenty, and thirty.ย
You watch the time tick by, growing impatient. Finally, you get up to open the conference room door, only to find it locked from the outside.
Damn it!
You still need to pick up your visa this afternoon.
You frantically call Caleb's phone, but strangely, no one picks up despite the call going through. You're smart enough to know that this is most certainly a setup, but you don't have the time nor heart to figure out who orchestrated this entire thing or what their purpose was. You just wanted to get your visa.
You pound on the door, frantically, yelling, but no one answers.ย
You sit down and pick up the passion fruit lemonade, drinking it down in one gulp. Hands trembling, youย quickly type out an email rescheduling yourย visa appointment.
Suddenly, yourย face begins to itch.
This isn't passion fruit lemonade at allโฆ
You check the time: another ten minutes had passed. Neither Liam nor the secretary hadย returned, and nobody else knew you wereย hereโฆ
You feel your throat closing, as your breathing gets heavier.ย
You drag yourself, limping to the door, continuing to pound on it as you are no longer able to make any noise. You catch sight of a red box.ย
Throughout the office, everyone is methodically going about their work when suddenly, the building's fire alarms start blaring loudly.ย
"What's going on?" People run out of their cubicles and offices to see what's going on.
"Someone pulled the fire alarm on the top floor! Everyone evacuate!"
Caleb also hears the noise, and comes out immediately.ย
"What's going on? How can there be a fire up here?" His eyelids have been twitching all day. He had a strange, ominous premonition.
Thunk... thunk... thunk...
It sounds like someone is weakly banging on the door.
"Who's in there?" Caleb asks urgently, kicking the door.
MC appears from behind him, clinging to his shoulder. "Gege! Don't go in there! It could be dangerous!"
"Someone's in here!" Caleb shouts.
"Caleb... Help... help me... Caleb..."ย
A weak cry, barely audible over the commotion in the hall.
Caleb's eyes widen in shock. "Y/N! Y/N! Is that you in there? Y/N answer me!"
He forcefully shakes off MC's hand, barging against the door with his shoulder. "Someone! Help! Open the door!"
With a loud bang, he breaks the door down.ย
You're on the floor, fallen to the side. Body red, face nearly turning purple.ย
"Y/N!" he cries, quickly picking you up. "Call an ambulance!" His roar echoes throughout the entire floor.
His voice startles you, as you weakly open your eyes, looking at the familiar yet unfamiliar face in front of you. You want to raise your hand to check if it is real, but your arm refuses to move.ย
You try to speak, but no sound comes out. You manage a weak smile and barely manage to mouth the words: "if... I'm dead... won't... owe me anything... you'll... free.."
"Stop it! You won't die!" Caleb runs down dozens of flights of stairs.
You close your eyes. You don't mind saying goodbye to all of this.
"Y/N, don't sleep on me, ok? Wake up! Wake up, you hear me?" The last thing you her is Caleb's frantic voice.ย
T - 5 days
You wake up in the hospital after getting an acute dose of epinephrine. Zayne gives you a thorough examination, and finds no other acute problems. After determining you're stable enough to step down to the observation area, he scolds you seriously. "Walking around without an epipen with a serious allergy?ย You could've died from anaphylaxis! How could you be so careless?"
Caleb is still somewhat shaken by it all. "An allergic reaction? Y/N, what did you eat that caused this?"
You sit there silently.
"Let's observe her a little longer. There are still a few results pending. We'll see what happens when the results come back," Zayne saysย before leaving.
Caleb sighs and sits down beside you, continuing to carefully dab at your neck and shoulders with the cotton swab.ย
It stings a little. You frown and turn away.
"Don't move, Y/N. I'm trying to clean it. Don't want any infections from your blisters."
The words sound familiar. In the early days after your injury, he had said similar things. But it was that gentleness, this feigned gentleness, that gave you false hope and expectation in him.ย
He's acting so kind again - what's he trying to do?
You no longer trust anything he says.ย
โI remember youโre allergic to apples. Did you eat applesย before coming to the HQย today? But Mrs. Chen knows not to buy them... Did you eat something new on your way here?โ
His tone is like coaxing a childโฆ
You purse your lips, giving him a cold laugh.ย โI didnโt eat anything. Iโm calling the police.โ yourย tone is firm.
โCall the police?โ Caleb frowns.
There's a rustling sound outside the room. You turnย around to see that MCย had arrived.
T - 4 days
MC stands outside holding a bouquet of flowers, looking cautious and timid. "Caleb, how is Y/N? I wanted to come see her, but I was worried she wouldn't want to see me."
"Y/N'sย fine, she just needs some rest," Caleb says, knowing you indeed dislike her.ย "I appreciate your sentiment, but she's in a bad mood right now, you should go back."
"Hmm..." MCย pursesย her lips, eyes rimmed with tears. "Caleb, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. As your personal assistant, I was careless, causing Y/N to suffer like this. I'm so glad she's alright, otherwise... otherwise, I don't know what I would do..." She starts crying.
You, still in the room, hear everything. MC joined the Farspace Fleet as Caleb's personal assistant? So that's why she went on the mission with him. However, since she's his assistant, everything that happened today makes sense now.ย
You grab your bag, turning on your phone.ย
"What are you doing?" Caleb comes back seeing you enter your password.
"I told you, I'm calling the police." You successfully unlock it.ย
MC rushes into the room, Gideon behind her now. "Y/N, tread carefully. This is the Farspace Fleet HQ we're talking about. Are you sure the authorities will respond to this? What happened in the meeting room was an accident, I swear."
"Oh? And how would you know it was an accident?" you scoff. "Were you the one who locked the door?"
MC's face immediately turns pale. "How could you say that about me!ย It was Secretary Lu who led you to the conference room, she was the one who brought you the apple juice. She said the door was locked from the inside!"
"Apple juice?" You look into MC's flustered eyes. You have a pretty good idea of what's going on now. "I never said I drank apple juice, how did you know it was apple juice?"
MC avoids your eyes. "No, I... As Caleb's personal assistant, I checked everything before coming here! Secretary Lu explained everything that happened from picking you up to asking you to wait in the conference room."
"Is that so?" You turn to look at Caleb. "There aren't many people in this world who knows I'm allergic to apple juice. Not even my parents."
Only your grandparents. And Caleb.ย
Caleb's face stiffens.
You remain unusually calm. "Caleb Xia, your secretary kept telling me she gave me passion fruit juice. How did it turn into apple juice? Did Secretary Lu deliberately tamper with it, or did someone switch the drink around? And Caleb, who have you told about my apple juice allergy?"
MC's face is deathly pale.ย
You don't wait for her to reply. "And the doors? There's security cameras all over the Farspace HQ. A quick check will bring everything to light. Of course, if the cameras were tampered with... that's a whole different issue. So I'm going to have to call the police about it".ย
Caleb's face drops, his expression changing drastically. "Pips... did you really...?"
She runs forward to grab his arm. "No Gege! I swear! It wasn't me, it must've just been a joke!"
"A joke?" you sneer. "Your group seems to love joking around the most. I've lived for over twenty five years and never knew that you guys had jokes that could kill people!"
"No, no, no.." MC shakes her head violently, "Gege, listen to me! It wasn't me, I promise-"
"She's lying" you say flatly, dialing the tone.
Gideon, unable to contain himself any longer, smacks the phone out of your hands. "Who's lying! You're the one lying, for your own selfish reasons, slandering an innocent person!"
His line of thinking is really quite creative, giving everyone else a new inspiration to ride off of.ย
"Y/N," MC cries, looking at you with disbelief, "I can't believe you hate me this much, that you'd put your own life in danger to frame me! If you hate me that much, just kick me out! Don't torment Caleb like this! Do you care for him at all? Do you know how terrified he was? I never thought it'd all be staged!"
Gideon scoffs, "isn't acting pitiful her specialty? Wasn't her saving Caleb five years ago the same thing? She wanted to force him into marrying her!"
You knew all too well how cruel Gideon could be, and how little he thought of you. Yet you never expected him to say something so shameless: that you saving Caleb five years ago was self-sabotage to trick him into marriage!
Sometimes, when anger reaches its peak, it paradoxically turns into calm.
You look at Caleb, despite knowing time and time again that he won't side with you.
But in this moment, you just want to ask him one question: if he thought the same as Gideon.ย
Then it wouldn't just be a matter of you being foolish. You would've been better off saving a dog five years ago.ย
"Caleb," you stand, not a ripple of emotion behind your eyes. "Come here."
Caleb, sandwiched between Gideon and MC, looks at you.ย
"Caleb, don't go!" Gideon and MC say it almost simultaneously.
His gaze meets yours. After a brief silence, Caleb stands up and walks to you.ย
You look at the man you had risked your life for, the man you "traded" your leg for.ย
You calmly ask, "Do you think so too?"
He doesn't speak.
"You also..." you stare into deep amethyst eyes, the echo of the conversation you had with him after he interrupted your physical therapy still ringing in your ears. "You also think that today's events were done on purpose? You also think that I saved you five years ago expecting you to marry me?"
Something in Caleb's eyes narrow, and he looks away.
"Say it, Caleb! Look at me!"ย
A minute of silence passes.
"Yes."
You gasp, as if that would force youย to swallow the pain, but yourย vision still blursย uncontrollably.
The quiet but resolute "yes" feels like a boulder crashing into yourย chest, the lingering pain still reverberating over and over after the initial damage.
How could someone who has been hurt to this extent still be sad?
smack!
Your handprint remainsย on Caleb's face where youย slapped him; your fingernails leaving a thin trace of blood, particularly striking on his handsome features.
"Get out."
"Y/N-"
"Get the FUCK out or I will."
You don't even wait for him to make a decision - you stumble out of the room without looking back.
T - 3 days
You collapse onto the bed when you get home, your body still throbbing with pain. Mrs.ย Chen calls you for dinner, but you're too exhausted to move.ย
"Bring it in," say. Except for the initial period after your accident when you were bed-bound, you never got into the habit of eating in bed.ย
You cherished your home with Caleb so much that you couldn't bear to see anything dirty or out of place. Looking back, you laugh at your stupid thinking. What good is a house if you don't use it?ย
After you finishย eating, Mrs. Chen takes the plate away and asksย if youย wantย to take a bath.
You nod. "Please run me some water, and then change the bedding to clean ones."ย
"Okay." Sheย leaves to start running the water.
You try to get out of bed and make your way to the bath yourself, but after only a few steps, your legs feelย weak. Your body's overexertion and emotional outburst from earlier don't make your condition any better.ย
Mrs. Chen comes back out and is worried to see your trembling, unstable figure. "Madam, shall I help you?"
You take a deep breath and nod.ย
She helps youย to the bathroom and didn't let go until you're comfortablyย seated in the bathtub.
"Thank you," you say.ย
You lean back, the warm water soothing every inch of yourย skin, easing the soreness and making you feel much more comfortable.
After a while, the water cools, and you call for Mrs. Chen again. You still don't want to open your eyes.ย ย
Footsteps approachย and stopย at the edge of the bathtub, but you hear no movement afterwards.
You frown. "Mrs. Chen..." You open your eyes to see Caleb.
"Why are you here?" You're startled, instinctively covering any part of your body above the water. "Get out!"
You call loudly for Mrs. Chen.
"Mrs. Chen won't come in." He looksย down at you, his gaze deep.
"Mrs. Chen!" you continue to call, unwilling to give up.
"You think Mrs.ย Chen is going to listen to you, or the person who pays her salary?ย He leansย down, his face suddenly very close to yours, so close that you canย clearly see hisย bloodshotย eyes and your own reflection in his pupils.
"What exactly do you want?" You gripย the edge of the bathtub tightly, your defenses fully raised.
He reaches into the soapy water, grabbing your shoulders and lifting youย entirely out of the tub.
You feel a chill run down your spine. This is the first time you've been completely exposed in front of Caleb. Humiliation and panic overwhelmsย youย in an instant.
"Let go of me, you dirty bastard!" You begin to struggle in his arms, but it's an useless endeavor.
โIf you want to fall and get hurt, then keep being stubborn!โ His deep voice carries a threatening tone.
You come to your senses and slowly stop. You can't risk getting hurt now. You're leaving in a couple days. You can't afford to have any more accidents.
โNot moving anymore?โ he asks,ย revealing no emotion.
โCaleb Xia, don't make me hate you.โ You say.
He gives you a bitter smile. โDon't you hate me enough already?โ
You remain silent.
Your relationship with Calebย hasย indeed reached a point of no return.
He snortsย coldly, wrapping youย in a bath towel, and walks out of the bathroom back to the bedroom, placing you on the bed. He sits you on the edge and goes back, reappearing with a hairdryer.ย
As he plugs it in, blowing hot air into your wet hair, you're momentarily stunned.ย
What's he trying to do? Apologize? Make it up to you? Or is it just all for MC again?
The only sound in the room isย the roar of the hairdryer; neither of youย speak.
After he finishes, he rummages through the bedside drawer, clumsily tying your hair up into a knot.ย
Several bruises on the top of your back and shoulders from falling reveal themselvesย
He staresย at them for a moment, then forcefully rips away the towel wrapped around you.
"Look at yourself! What are you doing to yourself these days, doing that stupid rehab?!"
What does this have to do with him at all?
You quickly pullย the blanket back over herself, glaring at him with hostility. "Caleb, believe me, I really will kill you."
He sits down opposite from you, his eyes filled with sarcasm. "We've been married for five years, and this is your attitude when I try to touch you?"
What else does he expect? What attitude should youย have?
You smile mockingly. "Caleb, I told you. Your hands are dirty. Also, if you touch me, aren't you afraid your Pipsqueakย will be heartbroken?"
He doesn't reply, only pushing you downย onto the bed, but doesn't move to pull away the blanket.
You feel his warm hand on your calf.
He's massaging your scars again?
You give up struggling, already somewhat familiar with his methods.
Unsolicited kindness is always suspicious; he must want something from you.
He continues applyingย ointment to your bruises, from your leg up to your arms, then your back.ย
Once he's done, he covers youย with a blanket, meeting yourย cold gaze.
You look at him with no hint of gratefulness, just waiting.
He tucks youย in more tightly, forcing a bitter smile. "Y/N, how did we get to this point?"
He's asking youย why things had come to this? Didn't he know?
He sighsย deeply. "Y/N, let's talk about this calmly."
You consider it for a moment. Since MC appeared, you'veย always been calm, never wavering. It'sย him, on the other hand, who wasย always emotional because of MC.
โCaleb Xia, I donโt know what we have to talk about anymore,โ you say indifferently. โIโve already made myself clear.โ
Caleb's hand reachesย under the covers to find your hand and grasps it tightly. โY/N, I didnโt want this. From the beginning until now, I swear I've been sincere inย wanting to live a good life with you.โ
โIs that so?โ you sneer. โFrom the beginning?ย Didn't you think I was a venomous woman who used a self-inflicted injury to force you to marry me?โ
Caleb closes his eyes, remaining silent for a long time.
โColonel Xia,โ you smile, โPlease let go of my hand and get me a bottle of disinfectantโ
When Caleb opensย his eyes, the bloodshot veins areย particularly noticeable.
He doesn't ask why, just gets up to fetch it, and handsย it to you.
You prop yourself up on the bed, and begins methodically spraying it on your hands, arms, legs, stomach, backโeverywhere he had just touched.
Caleb's expression instantly changes. "What are you doing?"
"I'm disinfecting myself. I told you, your hands are dirty." Youย finishย spraying and calmly placeย the alcohol bottle on the bedside table.
"Youโฆ" Caleb is aggravated again.
You simply turnย overย and lieย down to sleep.
After a while, Caleb finally speaks to you again, his voice soft. "We've been married for five years. In these five years, I haven't wronged you, have I?"
Five years... your heart clenches. You don't want to look back on the past five years.
"I'm so grateful to you for saving me back then, and for giving me a chance to atone. For the past five years, I've given you everything I could. So can you do just one more thing? If you agree to this favor, I'll do anything you ask from now on."
Here it comesโฆ
"You want me to drop the case and reconcile with MC and your two cronies?" You cut to the chase.
T - 2 days
Yes," Caleb says, his voice utterly broken. "I'm sorry, Y/N, I have to protect MC. She was the only light in the darkest moments of my life."
Your heart sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
What in the world is Caleb thinking? Telling his lawful wife that another woman is his only light, and expectingย youย to help him?
"Y/N," he continues,ย "you know thatย my grandmother was the most important person in my life. MC was good friends with Zayne, an upperclassman whose parents were doctors.ย Through her connections was how my grandma was able to get treatment after she fell ill.ย One evening, when I visited Grandma, there was a bottle of origami cranes beside her pillow. The nurse said it was a gift from a volunteer. They said that with the blessing of a thousandย cranes, Grandma would definitely recover.
Caleb chokesย up a little. "Grandma didn't recover. The blessing of a thousand origami cranes only stayed a myth. But Y/N,ย do you understand the loneliness of that time when my world was completely dark, and I was struggling to bear everything alone? The girl who helped me share the burden while I was taking care of Grandma, the girl who lit up my dark world with origami cranes, was MC. I thought I would never see her again after she left, but she ended up coming back to me.ย I'm sorry Y/N. No matter what kind of person MCย is, in my heart, she will always be that light."
You listen silently, finally unable to help but smile.
Caleb Xia, are you really sure that theย girl who folded the origami cranes was MC?
T - 1 day
What was it like to have a crush on someone in your youth?
It was having your heart feel empty when he didn't come to class; even though there was only one empty seat, the whole world became hollow;
It was the world suddenly brightening when he steps into the classroom. The sunlight outside the window shining like gold, but it couldn't possibly compare to the radiance surrounding him at that moment.
It was when his smile warmed your heart, and when he frowned, your heart clenched;
It was the satisfaction in watching him from afar, lettingย time quietly slipย by, wanting to give your everything to himย but not wanting him to knowโฆ
That year, when you learned that the weariness and pain Calebย tried so hard to hide was because his grandmother was seriously ill and hospitalized, every weekend, you'd wearย a mask and get up before dawn every morning, catch the bus to the hospital, and help his grandma withย breakfast and keep her company. You lied about your identity every time, simply saying you were a volunteer.
You weren't sure if paper cranes could actually make wishes come true, but being young and full of sincere wishes, you secretly folded a bottle full of paper cranes for his grandmother.
There certainly weren't a thousand total, but the bottle was full. It took you a long time folding, and you wrote a blessing on each piece of paper before carefully folding it inside.
While wishing Caleb's grandmother a speedy recovery, youย also prayed for her own grandparents' health.
At that time, youย felt that youย and Calebย had so much in common.
None of your parents were in the picture.
You both depended on their grandparents'ย for survival.
You were both struggling to grow up against the odds, trying your best to maintain your lives, yourย pride, and self-respect.
You once thought that you and Calebย were like two trees growing side by side, far apart, your branches never intersecting in the air, yet your roots in the soil were always tightly intertwined.
In the end, you'veย been deluding yourself.
You just smileย without speaking or explaining anything to him.
If it were before, perhaps youย would have explained to him that you wereย the volunteer.
But now, there is truly no need.
You traded your leg for his life, saving him from being run over by a car. If in his eyes, it was all a ploy, a way to trick him into marrying you, then what wouldย the origami cranes youย folded all those years ago mean to him? Were they, like the mooncakes from that Mid-Autumn Festival, just a means to woo him as well? Even if he didn't think of youย as so calculating and despicable, what difference would it make?
He simply doesn't love you. You've tried for five years already. The fact is, you saved his life. Regardless of his motives for marrying you,ย the end result is the same: he doesn't love you. So why add another layer of trouble? You've known him since you were twelve. 15 years now.ย If love could truly change people, youย would have done so long ago. The truth is, no matter what you didย for him, it wouldn't change a thing.
Besides, you already haveย a clear future and plans. You'llย cut ties completely with this personย and stop this entanglement for once and for all.
Only a smile remains on your face.
A smile that is both laughable and pathetic.
"What are you laughing at?" Caleb was probably lost in his own memories, so it's understandable that he feltย a bit resentful that his heartfelt story is met with nothing but a laugh.
You lowerย your eyes, a faint smile still on your lips. "It's nothing, I'm just very touched. I'll do as you wish under one condition."
He looks at you expectantly.
"I'll have my lawyer send over someย papers. At long as you sign them, MC is off the hook."
"You... really?" Caleb isn'tย sure if you'reย being sarcastic.
"I'm serious." You lie on the bed, looking up at him, the faint sadness in your eyes gone, replaced by a genuine smile. "I wish you a long and life."
T - 0 days
When Caleb leavesย this morning, he tellsย you to wait for him at home, the same as usual.
However, he lingers at the door for a minute longer, gazing at you with eyes filled with an unfamiliar emotion.
There's no point thinking about it anymore. Nothing in the world will convince Caleb Xia that his wife would want to leave him.
Will he realize you're truly gone when he sees the empty closet?
It won'tย matter if he doesn't; your letter, the lawyer, and the divorce papers will tell him.
You look back one last time at the home you lived in for five years.
You writeย one last line in yourย notebook: "0 days until I leave Caleb Xia:ย Goodbye, I'm going to fly higher."
You turn off the lights and close the door.
You stick a paper crane on the door; let this paper crane wait for him in yourย place; perhaps, itย will tell him the answer.
***
T + 6 days:
Caleb feels like he's actually goneย insane. The first night you don't come home, he plays it off as another one of your temper outbursts. Afterall, the paper crane on the door was your way of mocking his past with MC, wasn't it?. The second night he blows up your phone. Nothing goes through. By the third day, he is contacted by your lawyer with the divorce papers prepared and already signed by you. You ask for none of his assets and no compensation. He nearly destroys the office table in anger. After another two days to calm down, the panic and unease in his chest grow to new lengths.ย He stalks the entire city. Tries going after your telephone records, search history. He finds your preparation to leave him starting long, long before he suspected anything out of the ordinary. He looks at himself in the mirror and wants to laugh at the pathetic sight before him. He can't possibly go to work in this state, so he turns around to go home instead.ย
He takes a shower and sits in the chair in your bedroom, lost in thought.
This is the chair youย used to sit in.
You'd sit here watching dramas, reading, oh right, probably studying how to get away form him too.ย
Your belongings are still on the table: pens in the pen holder, and several books youย read, the most recent being art history, lying on the desk. Fiddling with the paper crane.
He opened a drawer, which was also full of books. Digging through its contents, he finds a notebook.
He pullsย it out and opens it.
The contents read: Countdown to leaving Caleb Xia.
T -ย 22 days: The jewelry he gave me were all mementos ofย someone else.ย
T - 11 days: He gave our wedding rings to someone else too. But I don't even want him anymore, so why should I care about the ring?
His eyes sting.
"I don't even want this person anymoreโฆ"
So, from that moment on, you truly wanted a divorce.
Every time youย brought it up, it was from the heart. It wasn't a tactic to keep him, nor was it a way to force MC to leave. Youย genuinely wanted to leave himโฆ
Looking further, youย had recorded every single thought that, in the monthย before you left,ย seemed trivial to him. With each passing day, yourย heart seemed to die a little more.
He lowers his head,ย forehead resting on theย notebook.
His eyes ache terribly.
In those 20-odd days, if he had even a few moments of empathy, if he had considered things from your perspective, he might have still had a chance to salvage the relationship. But he didn't.
He went down a path of no return, finally leading to a complete break between you.
He thought youย would never leave him, never leave this home, which is why he stood on MC's side time and time again.
He thought, "She's my wife, she's family, she'll never leave. No matter when I come back, she'll be waiting at home..."
You loved him so much, you've liked him since high school,ย even risked yourย life for him. How could he have believed that you really wanted to divorce him?
T + 24ย days:
Caleb sighs, a bitter smile on his face.
He doesn'tย know what was wrong with him; why everything had been so bitter lately.
The food he eatsย tasteย bitter, the water tastes bitter, even the air around him seemsย to carry a faint bitterness.
That afternoon, Liam comes to his office, inviting him out to dinner with Gideon.ย
Sitting behind his desk, Caleb feels listless. "Forget it, I'm too tired. You guys go ahead, I'll cover it."
"Colonel," Liam protests, before switching to addressing him by name. "Caleb. Do you think I'm starving? I can see you're unhappy theseย days, and I figured getting together with you and Gideon would allow you to have some fun.
Caleb shakes his head, hating how his hairs bristled at the mention of hisย friend. "I hate crowds, forget it."
"Caleb, what's wrong with you?" Gideon pops in, lookingย at him, his eyes filled with worry. "You used to love being with your brothers, having fun together. As long as the crew is together, your worries would disappear. I can invite MC along too, she'll make you feel better."
Caleb freezes.
What is wrong? He didn't know what was wrong either. It's just an instinctive reaction; he didn't want to go.
Later, at the bar, Caleb is still trying to think of why he feels uncomfortable.
"Maybe... I'm getting old?" As you get older, you grow weary of crowds and want to be alone in peace and quiet.
Liam laughs.ย "You're old? You...you're old? What am I then?"
Well, if not, then Calebย couldn't find a reason.
"Caleb, what's wrong with you?" Gideon sighs. "We all know you didn't want to marry Y/N in the first place. You didn't love her. Isn't it better that you're getting a divorce now?"
"Yeah..." Caleb's eyes glazeย over. "Isn't it supposed to be better? But, Gideon, why am I not okay? I'm really not okay at all."
"Is it just that you've gotten used to it? It's hard to let go of someone suddenly in your life, like when I had a dog when I was little. I had it for years, and one day it got into an accident and passed. I cried for a long time." Liam tries to help.
Caleb shakes his head. "That's not how it works, Liam. Didn't you love your dog? You cried."
Liam is stumped. "Oh, right.ย I definitely loved it."
All three of them fall silent.
Liam thinks for a long time before slowly saying, "Caleb, you didn't fallย in love with Y/N, did you?"
Caleb feelsย as if he'sย been struck on the head. He had never considered this question before.
"Let me ask you this," Liam continues,ย "you're single now, right? If you had two choices: one, go back to Y/N, and she'd still be your Mrs. Xia; two, marry MC.ย You could marry MC if you want to! Which would you choose if you had these two options in front of you?"
Caleb doesn't hesitate at all. "Liam, what are you saying? When did I ever plan to marry MC? Since she came back, the thought of marrying her never even crossed my mind!"
Liam is stunned. "I literally thought MC was your wife the first day you brought her to the headquarters! Wasn't itย because you had Y/N before? Now that you're divorced, you're still not considering MC?"
"Liam, MC and I are a thing of the past," Caleb says with a small laugh, "What are you thinking?"
"Then, why are you so good to her?" heย stammers.
"Am I not good to you?" Caleb retorts. "Am I not good to Gideon?"
"Then...how...can this be comparable?" Liam didn't know what to say.
"How is it different? The two of you are my brothers since we were trainees at the DAA, and we've all worked our way up to our positions now. When MC was with me, she was still a high schooler, encouraging me on when I was was nothing but a new recruit. She didn't get to reap any of the benefits of that work, she had a hard time abroad. Of course I have to pamper her when she comes back, she's my little sister, right, Gideon?"
"Uhhh.... Anyway..." Liam thought it was VERY different.
"Of course it's different!" A voice boomsย from behind. It'sย Yvette.
Liam quickly stands up. "Darling, why are you here?"
"I came to see what nonsense you're spouting, you idiot!" Yvette's face darkens. "You guys are stillย talking about that two-faced bitch?"
"No...wife, please... don't say suchย nonsense. How could MC be two-faced?" Liam quickly looksย at Caleb, fearing for his job.
โTry saying another word for herโ Yvetteย pointsย at Liam'sย nose, as if she'sย about to slap him into oblivion
โNo, I wonโt say anythingโฆ I wonโtโฆโ
Yvette's anger finally subsides. โLetโs go home!โ
Liam hesitates. โDarling,ย how about we have dinner with the Colonel today?โ
โNo way!โ Yvette's temper flaresย again, pointing at Liam once more โI donโt hang out with your kind of people! Youโre going home to eat too! He deserves it! Heโs not worth wasting time on!โ
Liamย looksย troubled, hoping his wife would showย some mercy.
Strangely, Caleb doesn't seem offended at all. He asks Yvette with a smile,ย "What kind of person am I?"
Yvette turns to look at him, scoffing. "I didn't want to talk about you, because you scumbags and bitches get angry and it's bad for my baby. I don't want my baby to see the ugliness of this world while still in my belly. But since you're asking like this, I've changed my mind."
Liam sweatsย profusely. "My darling,ย no, let's just let our baby grow peacefully. Don't change your mind."
"No!" Yvette declares. "I've decided to teach our baby to distinguish right from wrong!"
She turns to face Caleb again. "Colonel Xia, I'm not trying to be mean, but stop actingย like you're some sort of saint.ย What's with all this talk about MC being there for you when you were down on your luck, about her suffering abroad and wanting to compensate her? Is it so hard to admit you're a cheater? Aren't you just trying to cover up the fact that you're greedy and have always lookedย for something better?"
Caleb's face turnsย ashen. "I didn't, MC and I didn't..."
Yvette's spirit is still high.ย "I don't give a fuck if you and MCย slept together or not!ย That's not my business. I only care about Liam! But Caleb, this isn't about physical cheating!"
Liam is getting increasingly anxious hearing his wife absolutely tear through his boss without any restraint. Was this something she could just casually say? Out in public??ย He immediately covers her mouth.
"Let her talk!" Caleb's expression darkens.
"I'll say it!" Yvette slapsย away Liam's hand. "Colonel Xia! I told you you're a cheater! The ultimate scumbag! You enjoyed Y/N'sย wholehearted love whileย flirting with MCย under the guise of "taking care of a sister? What brother buys you a house, bags, and luxury goods? What kind of siblingsย shareย a room together while out on a business trip? Oh right, Liam used to get that privilege when you were cadets, but is the stuff in your brain the same shade when you sleep with MC?!"
Liam tries really hard not to laugh. "The stuff in your brain isn't the same color"? His wife's mouth was really somethingโฆ
But then again, even he didn't believe Calebย and MC's brains were pureย when they were togetherโฆ
"What are you laughing at?" Yvette turns around to scold her husband. "Your bossย doesn't have a brain, it's filled with tofu! You think you're so great? Yours is filled with tofu dregs!"
"Darling, please;;;ย if you want to scold me, let's go back home to do it"
"Let me finish!" Yvette hadn't wanted to say all of this,ย but since she was asked to, she wouldn't be happy until she was finished. She glares at Caleb.ย "With your filthy thoughts, ask yourself, with your non-existent conscience, when you sided with MC again and again like no tomorrow, wasn't your heart soaring? Like you were back in your youth! Wasn't that right? An old man like you, suddenly rediscovering the feeling of pure love, wasn't your life full of passion? And then what? Clearly, you were emotionally unfaithful,ย I don't know if your filthy body has cheated on her! But whether it's emotional or physical, it's still cheating! And yet you still insist that there is nothing between you and MC. Caleb Xia, if you openly admit to cheating, I'd respect you as a man. But to cheat and then pretend to be deeply in love, I can only give you one word: scumbag! No, add another:ย despicable!
Finally done, she glaresย at Liam, "Aren't you leaving?"
"Oh, oh, oh." Liam apologizes to Caleb with his eyes, quickly removing himself from the premise.
T + 25ย days
Caleb checks his personal set of security cameras at work. You weren't lying. MC is clearly seen talking to the secretary, putting the apple juice in her hands. Gideon walks in, and Caleb slams his laptop shut.
"Colonel?"
A shudder runs down his spine as he meets Caleb's dark gaze.ย
T + 31 days
Yvette's brutal words live rent free in Caleb's head.
Five years ago, when MC first left, it was during a period of setbacks for him. He spent his entire youth preparing to get into the DAA. But now that he was there, he realized with a start that he, a small town boy, was so woefully unprepared compared to his peers. Years of hard work were on the verge of being wasted. He had a habit of shutting others out when he was struggling. MC knew it. And did her best to call him out of her own accord, always checking in, trying to make him feel better.ย
But it came the day she couldn't take it anymore.ย She up and left him, cutting off all communications suddenly.
He wasn't stupid; of course he knew the reason why. However, he also had the self-awareness not to drag her down with him.
Later, he heard that a wealthy second-generation heir had gone abroad with her.
He knew all of it.
His depression during that period was partly due to the breakup, and partly due to his careerย setbacksโa mixed bag.
Heย got drunk sometimes, but not entirely out of despair. Most of the time, it was from entertaining his peers, or trying to network with higher-ups, practically begging and pleading for a chance. However, the night you saved him, he was truly heartbroken. He had faced rejection after rejection, losing all confidence and almost giving up.
Then youย saved him, trading your leg for his rebirth.
From that moment on, he carried the weight of another person's life on his shoulders. It was at that moment that he told himself: I absolutely cannot give up, I cannot give up. There are still people waiting for me to take responsibility for, waiting for me to support them.
Fate can be truly miraculous sometimes.
It was after that car accident that things suddenly took a turn for the better.
When you got discharged from the hospital, it was also the time his performance soared.
After that, his missions only ever returned successful. Offers and promotions came in waves, and his power increased exponentially.ย
And then, MC returned.
Somewhere deep in his heart, he faced her with resentment and bitterness, thinking: "The person you looked down on back then has now made it big, standing proudly before you. How do you feel?"
He would never admit it though.ย
Just like the necklace of MC's dreams. The first birthday he spent with you, he thought to himself, "so what? The decorations MCย liked, the style she fawned over,ย I've given them all to another girl. I can afford to do so."
So, five years later, when MC returned, he carried this resentment, enjoying herย adoration and affection, feeling a childish satisfaction. The person who abandoned him back then was now obediently fawning over him, trying to please him, and the resentment in his heartย finally subsided.
But the scales in his heart had beenย tipped.
Just as Yvette said, he despicably indulged in two relationships, becoming lost in this ambiguity.
He basked in MCs adoration and retaliated by showering her with affection and indulgence, as if this would prove to his former, down-on-his-luck self: I've made it big, I'm omnipotent.
He never even considered it love or lack thereof.
He simply wanted to frantically prove to MC his power, his influence, that he could spoil a woman to the extreme if he wanted.
Of course, in doing so, he hurt you.
But at that time, he didn't think about any of that; he was simply gradually losing himself in his relationship with MC.
He explained to you that he was only remembering MC's kindness from when she made the paper cranes and that nothing everย happened between them.
Perhaps this reason held some semblance of validity? He always needed a plausible excuse to mask his dark and despicable psychology.
But it was also true. He could do anything for MC, except betray you โby betraying you, he meant maintaining boundaries and not doing anything physically inappropriate.
But Yvette said that emotional infidelity also counts as infidelity.
Does it?
Did he cheat on you?
He wasn't sure himself.
He couldn't distinguish whether his feelings for MC were of resentment or love.
The only thing he was certain of was that youย loved him, loved him to the point of self-sacrifice. So, no matter how his heart swayed, you would always be his Mrs. Xia, and that would never change.
That day after he told you the story about the paper cranes, MC tried to embrace him from behind at work.ย In that moment, he realized:ย he couldn't possibly cross any physical boundaries with her.
His destiny belonged to you.
That night, he wanted to see you more than ever.
So, he returned without delay, even before dinnertime.
But you were already gone.
So even you could leave him tooโฆ
Even with the wealth and luxury and everythingย he could give you, youย could still abandon it so easily.
That's right, he laughs at himself, why would you care about money?
That silly girl who used to live frugally, worrying about his financial situation, trying to pay him $5 for every math problem he tutored you in - how could you care about money?
He was wrongโฆ
He'd been too arrogant for too long, forgetting the path he'd come from, neglecting the most important person in his world.
How ridiculous, only realizing you were the most important person after losing you.
And before that?
It seemed everything came before you.
Work was more important than you, because he needed toย develop his career, earn money, and support youย for life;
His pride was more important than you, so he absolutely couldn't lose face in front of MC, forcingย you to apologize, even though you were neverย actually in the wrong.
His thinking was simple: even if he had wronged you, it wouldn't matter. You loved him so much; all he had to do was sweet talk and make it back up to you.
In fact, many times, between you and MC, he chose to side with MC simply because he knew you would forgive himโฆ
But you didn't.
Youย wouldn't forgive him forever, nor would youย wait for him forever.
T + 52ย days:
Liam stops by Caleb's office. It's past midnight.
"Colonel..." he starts, stiffening as Caleb's dead gaze shifts onto him from the screen.
"You've been here for the past 5 days straight. I think... you should go home now..."
Home? Caleb laughs, a hollow sound, devoid of any positive emotion. Where would he go now? What is home to him?
He admitsย that in the past five years, he didn'tย loveย going home as much.
Mainly, when he first got married, he was afraid to go home and face you, your overwhelming love, and your injury. Guilt and remorse weighed on his heart like a brick, so much so that he couldn't even be intimate with you. It wasn't that he didn't want to, but just seeing your leg overwhelmedย him with guilt, making it impossible to continue.
And this created a vicious cycle: the greater the psychological pressure, the less he tried, and the less he tried, the greater the pressureโฆ
Heย even saw a therapist for some time, but it didn'tย help.
Over time, he became increasingly adverse to returning home to see you, and staying at his office until midnight.
He had many excuses: logistics, planning, meetings with important stakeholders, out on missions, and most often, just being busy with work.
He did indeed spend most of his time working, but no matter how late, he always had a direction in his heartโhome.
Whether it was his conscience or something else, going home every night was a routine, just like his work.
And now, his home was still there, but he didn't know where he should go after you left.
He always told himself that it was his responsibility to be good to you for the rest of his life, but he didn't even know when it started to become more than just a responsibility.
It turned out that when the girl who always smiled at him like a sunflower was no longer there, home was no longer home, and going home lost its meaning.
But youย had promised him that youย would never leave him, whether in poverty or wealth; you had promised him that youย would leave a light on for him no matter how late he came home.
He truly believed that this light would illuminate him forever, so he gradually took advantage of you, until ultimately, he becameย the one who extinguishedย it.
T + 93ย days
Caleb's phone rings. Looking down, it's Zayne.
โCaleb, what's up? I can't come out for dinner, but feel free to talk on the phone. I'm busy, I have to work overtime.โ
โOhโฆโ he saysย wistfully, โThen it's nothing.โ
He just had nowhere else to go and wanted to find a place to talk about the past, about people he once knew.
โOh, by the way, do you remember Sylus Qin?โ Zayneย suddenly askes.
โI rememberโฆโ A name that wasn't so pleasant.
โHe's gone.โ
Caleb is taken aback.ย "Gone?"
"He passed away. He actually passed a while ago, abroad."ย Zayne sighs. "It was an accident,ย don't tell Y/N."
He's... gone?
A voice echoes in Caleb's mind again:
"Hey, Caleb, that Y/Nย from your class..."
"Get lost!"
Zayne remembersย something else. "Oh, right, you can't tell Y/N anyway, otherwise you wouldn't be askingย me to dinner andย rambling on and on about your past."
Caleb remains silent.
Lately, he keeps dreaming about when he was sixteen or seventeen, so he would occasionally chat with Zayne about it.ย
Zayne only ever told him the same thing:ย "Only those who are unhappy reminisce about the past; those who are full of vigor only stride forward. Caleb, let Y/N go. She deserves a better future."
Caleb feelsย a sudden, sharp pain in his heart, and his vision blurs.
Now, he couldn't let it go even if he wanted toโฆ
But he had no right to not let it goโฆ
โZayne,โ he saysย in a barely suppressed voice, โI regret it so muchโฆโ
The more spirited and arrogant he had three months ago,ย the more desolate and regretful he feelsย now.
โCaleb Xia,โ Zayne sneersย on the other end, โYou deserve it.ย Don't play victim with me now, look at your sordid affairs. How to spoke to her in front of me, in front of everyone else?ย You think none of us notice? How you hadย absolutely no respect for your ex-wifeย as a person?"
โZayne, I can'tโฆโ
Before he canย finish speaking, Zayne hangs up the phone.
Caleb immediately dials him back.
After the third call, Zayne picks up again. A long silence ensues, untilย Zayne asksย him, "Anything else to say? If not, I'm hanging up. I'm busy!"
Caleb chokes for a moment before finally saying, "Zayne, if I said I love Y/N, would you believe me?"
"Bullshit!" Zayne curses, a rare occurrence.ย "Stop your pretentious nonsense! You don't love anyone but yourself; you're a selfish, self-serving piece of shit.ย Ask yourself honestly, who do you truly love? Whether wasย your mistress or Y/N, you only love whoever you need.ย Didย you really evenย love MC or only what her reactions gave you?ย I wouldn't have cursed you if you hadn't said that, but hearing you sayย it out loud disgusts me! You bastard!"
T + 136 Days
Caleb goes back to his hometown. Somewhere he hasn't been in many years. He traces the steps he once took to school, watching teenagers shout happily as they play with each other.
Somehow, he finds himself in front of Sylus'ย house. To pay respects, he tells himself. He hesitates for another second before bringing his hand up to knock on the door.ย
Two young menย greet him. They can't be much older than 20. They stare at Caleb with the same, beady eyes. "Who are you?"
"An old classmate of Sylus." He offers, taking his high school yearbook out from his backpack as proof. "We played soccer together. I know its a few years late, but I wanted to come pay my respects."ย
The twins lead him down to the basement, where many boxes of Sylus' belongings remained. Caleb flips through old textbooks and worksheets, jerseys and field-day awards, CDs and comic books from their youth.ย
Something small and pink falls out from a book in his hands.ย
He bends over to pick it up: a single paper crane
Paper cranes?
He picked up the fallen origami bird, its image overlapping with his memories of paper cranes.
The page he turned to was a tutorial on how to fold paper cranes.
Sylus had written notes on it with a pen.
"Some silly girl is folding paper cranes for that Xiaย boy, and she won't let me help! How long will it take for her to fill that jar?ย Silly girl!"
"Haha! I secretly stole one from her pile! Mischievous act of the day complete!"
"Hehe, this silly girl writes something inside every single paper crane. I wonder what she wrote on the one I stole?"
"Written something?" Caleb frowns, picking up the paper crane from the ground and quickly unfolds it. Sure enough, there's a small line of writing inside:ย 'No matter what happens, you must be happy!'
Caleb's mind goes blank for a moment. He reads the words on the page again, then turnsย and runs.
The noise he makesย downstairs alertsย the twins, who askย him if everything was alright.
"Sorry Luke, Kieran.ย I have important work to do. I have to go back," Caleb saysย urgently, bidding farewell to the boys.
He drives nonstop to Skyhaven, taking the stairs to the top floor and enters his office.
He opensย his desk drawer. Inside isย a small glass box containing a paper crane.
He had buriedย all the other paper cranes withย his grandmother, leavingย only this one as a keepsake.
The unfolded paper crane he had taken from Sylus'ย house lies open on his desk. The handwriting was all too familiar to himโyours.
The other paper crane, which he had kept in the small glass box, was clearly made of the same paper but a different color.
He takes a deep breath, and without further delay, unfolds it with trembling fingers.
The orangeย paper craneย revealsย writing on it as well.
This one reads: Grandma, you must recover. Caleb only has you.
The same handwriting.
The way you write is distinctive, always rounded and plump, with a kind of innocent charm, completely different from MC's.
Looking at these words, his heart sinks as if it's been chained to an iron anchor, falling lower and lowerย into a bottomless abyss.
He had lost far more than he imaginedโฆ
Folding the two pieces of paper together, he finally breaks down in tears.
Y/N, I'm sorryโฆ
He sits in his office, the whole world utterly silent.
If this were the end of time, how wonderful that would be; he no longer looked forward to waking with the sun the next dayโฆ
But he could only stay awake, waiting for the night to pass.
But the nights are too long.
His life is only darknessย now.
T + 613ย days
You carefully make your way onto the stage, eyes momentarily blinded by the sharp glare of stage lights. The applause is thunderous as a bouquet of flowers are presented to you from the dancers. Your thesis project, a fully choreographed piece, was being performed on stage by a full cast for the first time. You insisted on giving yourself a very small role, just a few small steps in the beginning as your leg continues to heal, but it was already more than enough to fill your heart as tears of joy threaten to spill from your eyes.ย
Caleb watches your brilliant smile on his phone, in the darkness of his room. It's true that in the 1800 nights he was married to you, he has only wished you the best. Now you're out there, accomplishing your dreams. How much he wishes to be able to proudly say, "that's my Y/N!". But he cannot. Not now. Not that he ever had the right to say it. He readsย the comments on the live stream religiously and replays your small segment of dance over and over until his vision blurs.ย
Tonight, Caleb dreams of high school.
Back then, all of you wereย naiveย and full of youthful exuberance. It was aย time of awkwardness and passion, everything direct and intense.
He dreams of Rafayel Shen.
Rafayelย loved to draw. Caleb had found Rafayelย sketching you in the middle of class, and tore up his drawing after school.ย The two ended up having a fight, still aย sore spotย in their relationship to this day.
He dreamsย of Sylus Qin.
They were playing soccer together, and you would watch them play from the most inconspicuous spot in the cheerleading squad on the playground, always leaving silently afterward.
Sylus puts his arm around Caleb's shoulder, his gaze fixed on your retreating figure.ย "Hey, Y/N from your class looks real sweet."
The young boy instantly knews what the other was up to, coldly announcing,ย "Get lost, I won't hesitate to beat you up if you mess with her.
Some boys would try to slip confession letters into your locker.
You never received any, because Caleb always stoppedย them.
Some boys would put treats in your desk.
You never got to eat any, because Calebย always kept them for you, glaring at all the other boys in warning.
It was once a childish but pure love,ย as bright and clear as morning dew.
Why did it change like this?
Caleb is lost in his dreams, unable to find the answer.
He lost you.
He meetsย Zayne and askย him why you wereย missing. Zayne simply says, "Caleb Xia, you scumbag."
He meets Rafayel, who grabsย him by the collar, and the two get into a brawl.
He meets Sylus, who smiles and says, "You bullied her, so I hid her. You'll neverย find her now."
He seesย many, many people, but you are nowhere to be foundโฆ
"Caleb!"
A clear voice suddenly ringsย out behind him.
He turnsย around and seesย a girl with a bright smile perform several somersaults, appearing before him.
"Y/N!" He opensย his eyes, but all he seesย is an empty ceiling. He liesย on the bed, his phone still clutched in his hand, battery dead.
A dream.
His Y/N is gone forever.
Tag list: @quill-for-glory, @flameo-hotman, @chyukiz, @royale-skeleton-key, @placeofsupercooltopics, @madnesslusy, @kiwiwiiiwiwiw, @younghideoutberserker
Synopsis: After a messy break up and years of constant longing for your ex back, Caleb makes his way back, but you canโt let go of what happened.
Word count: 9.1k (I went overboard)
Tags: heavy mention of mc, Mc isnโt reader, angst, break up, yearning, no beta we die like the authorโs mentally unstable mind, hurt/nocomfort, Xia Yizhou, Caleb, Too many Taylor swift based references, the smallest man who ever lived, youโre losing me, how did it end?, So long London, The story of us, right where you left me, Twilight Zone, Iโm done.
The low hum of the AC was the only sound accompanying your stifled sniffles of disappointment in the dark apartment. You were hugging your knees to your chest, head lowering to fit the eye sockets to your kneecaps on the hard, woodenโplanked kitchen floor. The wood was cold and unforgiving beneath you; the slats dug into your shins through the thin fabric of your dress. Every small creak or settling of the building felt magnified, as though the walls themselves were listening to your heartbreak.
You told yourself you werenโt going to cry. Because it would be stupid. After all, itโll always be his best friend who comes first. MC. Jesus Christ, how the thought of her makes your heart shatter. How your boyfriend, regardless of the scene, would run to her first. And you knew she was family, at least thatโs what he said, but for once, couldnโt you have one thing to yourself? Even if just one night, one hour, one moment in which you werenโt competing with her?
You press your face harder against your knees, letting the tears threaten again, sharp, stinging behind your eyes,while your breath hitches. You taste salt, betrayal, longing. You imagine every time he called her name, every time he comforted her first, as a blade twisting inside your chest.
The faint chimes of the front doorโs code being overridden and then the slow click of the doorknob twisting following was your cue to wipe away any trace of tears. You jerk upright. In one fluid motion you smash your face blank, as though your features are a mask you can secure at will. You plaster on an emotionless surface. Relaxed, but not in the face you usually make when itโs resting. Doe gleaming eyes now replaced with mundane, tired eyes, the corner of your lips slightly tugging up was now in a perfectly straight line. And the look of pure yearned love your boyfriend always received from you was now repainted into just another stranger to you.
Because thatโs what you felt like sometimes with this man. You leaned on the kitchen counter, pretending that you didnโt see or care that Caleb came in. You watched his shadow cross the threshold before your ears caught his voice. โHey, Iโm home.โ He softly called out. If he was expecting you to run into his arms like a lovesick puppy, something that was routine for you and him, then he was wrong.
He could see your silhouette made from the light bulb hanging low in the kitchen as it flickered a little. He should change that, he noted. He knew that you could see him from your peripheral vision, but you didnโt want to. So, like he always did to make you feel better, he walked up to you and reached his arm out to snake around your waistline, but you swiftly moved away, grabbing a glass from the glasses cabinet.
You thought he didnโt think much of it, like he always did, didnโt he? But Caleb did. He always overthinks when it comes to you. Calculating and memorizing each change to your facial expression, stance, everything. He could read you like a book, and you let him. But this time, you kept your poker face intact, and didnโt start a conversation up. Waited for him to say something. You count the seconds of silence, your pulse banging like a war drum.
He strained out a chuckle and raised his hands up. โAlright, alright, Iโm guilty, now tell me what I did.โ Hoping to lighten the mood. But a sinking gut feeling that was slowly rising up his heart knew why you were being like this. He just needed you to let it out. So he could pick up the pieces, and stitch them back together with a hug and kiss. But unfortunately for him, the pieces were too far shattered to be saved.
โYou donโt know what you did?โ And your voice turned out colder than expected, even you were a little taken aback from how icy your tone is. But you just let it slip out. Caleb was startled, after all, heโs never heard that tone from you. You were soft spoken, giggly and kind. Your cheeks would redden with each cheesy flirting he did, but did what he said was true?
Caleb knew that he had to choose his words carefully. One slip up, and youโd slip away. He sighed a little, building up the courage to speak. โListen, Iโm really sorry.. I know we had plans but MC..โ
You didnโt even let this man finish. โMC.โ You echoed a few times, each one getting louder and louder as you bitterly laughed. โItโs always MC this, and MC that, huh?โ And you had to swallow the shakiness of your throat drying up and layering lumps. Your boyfriend stepped in a little closer and you turned, to face him across the marble counter. The glass of water you filled up was slammed down on the table, distancing you two.
โHey, thatโs not fair.. listen I understand youโre upset but..โ
โBut what?โ You spat out. And there was no stopping you. No. The kind words you were rehearsing in your head, to put it down gently, to do this right, wouldnโt do. Heartbreak and humiliation intertwined with the anger bubbling from your chest.
โYou always go back to her, because itโll always be about her, huh? Sheโs not five, Caleb. You say itโs not fair for you but what about me?โ
Tears from the bottom corner of your eyes burned with piping hot tears as they threatened to run down your cheek before you added more again after a huge inhale. Every syllable you speak tastes like regret, like acid.
โIt feels like I have to fight for my boyfriendโs attention!โ
โHoney, please, you know that is not the case, and I think you just need to take a pause, youโll hurt yourself.โ And he glanced at how you gripped the half empty glass, straining and threatening for it to shatter. Did your ears hear right? Were they failing now? And a broken laugh mixed with tears slipped out.
โYou donโt even know what day it is huh?โ
And Calebโs mind went into overtime, head reeling for what it possibly could be. And when it hit him? It felt like a truck slammed right into him and a large wave crashed down on him as he was drowning with pure mortification. โOh my God..โ he whispered.
And the rose petals scattered on the floor, your black silk dress that accompanied your carefully curled hair, and all the scented candles, God. Was he stupid?
โI suppose when it comes to Calebโs dear best friend, heโs oblivious and everything is out of proportion. He doesnโt even remember our one year anniversary.โ And the fake sarcasm in your voice stunned him. โHoney, please, Iโm so sorry.โ
โDonโt.โ And that shut him up, before you turned around, facing the floorโtoโceiling windows, the clear night now turned into a raging thunderstorm eerily yet perfectly contrasting your whirlwind of emotions. โThree hours Caleb. Three hours of lovingly preparing, baking, tidying up. Waiting for her damn boyfriend to come home after he promised heโd be back in time from work. But then what happens?โ You pause for a fake sarcastic gasp.
โMC, the one whoโs the most important person in his life, has a dilemma. Poor girl doesnโt know how to do her damn college work. Who set that up? I donโt know.โ
โCome on, Y/n, seriously? She needed help, and..โ
โAnd all of a sudden your location was at a cafe. Back in Linkon.โ You finished flatly, your voice cracking here and there.
โItโs not even about her needing help, itโs about you always choosing her over me?โ
And what could Caleb say? Because it was true. It didnโt even matter that nothing romantic happened. Because he stood you up. Again. For the exact same fricking reason.
You lowered into a broken whisper. โPlease tell me. Does she matter more to you than me?โ
โThatโs not fair Honey, you two are the most important to me.โ
And you erupted back into a rage. Rightfully so. โSo your lover is on the same pedestal as your best friend? The same lover that you said youโd die for? Blow the whole world up for? Vowing that youโll always be mine? Have you told her the same thing?โ
โPlease donโt do this to me.โ He croaked out, reaching to cradle your face, and you brushed his hand away, not roughly, but a way that broke your heart as you teared up.
โYou love her, not me, am I right?.โ Your voice couldnโt pick a lane, and it dropped back into a low, shaky whisper. Caleb couldโve denied instantly, but deep down.. he knew that as much as he loved you, it was MC.. wasnโt it?
The rose petals that scattered this very apartment, that was filled up with strong memories of devotion, tears for each other and pure bliss as you would stupidly smile how maybe unconditional love was a real thing. How this man was the love of your life. But now, you couldnโt find the raging pulse that Caleb once gave you just by smiling. Those memories and those times had slipped away in the blink of an eye, leaving you vulnerable, alone. It didnโt feel like home when he wasnโt in it, he didnโt feel like home anymore.
He was losing you. He was oblivious to it until the last second. He knew today meant everything to you, because once upon a dream ago, you uttered that he was your everything. And now? The slight change of events that ripped apart this relationship was tearing away as they spoke.
โDid I, ever, even once.. mean anything to you?โ Your bottom lip quivered. And Calebโs silence said everything to you. You desperately wanted to plead, beg for him back. Tell him how youโll do anything for him.
Because thatโs what heโs turned you into. All those words, their meanings shattered the illusion away. He never truly meant it. Your feelings were just something to toy with.
You turned on your heel, didnโt even bother snatching any of your clothes that found a home in his apartment, or anything. Not even the expensive handbag filled with everything heโs spoiled you with. You ran out of the apartment. In the raging storm, and the sounds of Calebโs leather boots ran after you. Calling and pleading for you to stop.
But you couldnโt look back, and he ran, nonโstop for you, tears and thick water droplets intertwining as they landed and fell off both of your faces.
And then?
After running, in a fancy dress, high heels and your phone, when you got away from him, you trudged the rest back to your apartment. You had to block him. On everything. Messages, social media. But even though your finger would hover over the โblockโ button, you just couldnโt.
As you slammed your apartment door half heartedly, you collapsed onto the floor, and cried. But not like a loud cry, sobs filling up the whole space, making you feel more alive than ever. A pathetic one, soft stifling of tears and hiccups. Like you just lost your favourite lipgloss, except but you lost the love of your life, your everything.
Meanwhile, Caleb? Heโd lost you. Both physically and emotionally. As he ran after you in the pouring and bustling large city of Skyhaven, but also as you too. He couldnโt articulate his feelings. He hadnโt been able for a ridiculously long time.
He loved you. So dearly. You were his air, a safe place he could always confide and come back to all the time. But that was the problem. Because Caleb thought he needed you to live. Not just as a lifelong partner, because someone heโs eyed on for so long, since childhood, was MC.
You understood him, but MC could relate to him more. She was someone Caleb had always had a crush on. But he loved you as well. Or did he?
Caleb never cheated on you, but you felt so much more alone.
His heavy uniform, that carried badges and achievements with pride, now felt even more heavier as the raging storm soaked it. There was only one place youโd be at. And it would be back at your place. But Caleb knew that he may have messed up everything entirely.
He couldnโt even go to that place, what he called a home away from home. Where you two would dance around the kitchen, in the refrigerator light. Where he could feel the most at home. But he couldnโt pick a side, could he?
That love had burnt to ashes. And it wasnโt replaceable, even by MC.
A year went by, and the day of that one year anniversary with him was nearing closer and closer. And when it did come? You found yourself unable to get out of bed. Because that day, Hell, every single day you were reminded of if you dodged a bullet or just lost the love of your life.
You didnโt bother throwing out all his shit. You couldnโt. Not when each singular item, even a shirt, held some endearing memory that only you two could hold. Stealing one of his shirts and him trying to tickle you out of it, matching Cherry blossom charms, sheets that smelled like him no matter how many times you tried drowning the scent out with laundry detergent.
Like clockwork, numb to everything now, you woke up at seven am, trudged your way downstairs after shrugging on a sweater and maxi skirt, not bothering to even eat breakfast and left for work. It didnโt help that you had to see him as he clocked in for a work, one of the many downsides to working at the same damn place as him.
Today, you especially didnโt want to look at his face. You hated yourself for missing that lovesick expression he always gave you. Or at least you thought he gave. One year of desperately speedโrunning dates, blocking out love in general, or just isolating yourself more and more, and he still roamed your mind.
You could hear him right this second gently scolding you for skipping breakfast. You didnโt have much of an appetite either way. โCome on, how are you supposed to tolerate this entire fleetโs existence with that smile, without any food?โ
Because it was a standing joke that he hated being the colonel. It was an honour, but it felt like leading a bunch of Neanderthals, he once described before quickly and awkwardly following up that you were the only exception. But now? God knows what he filed you under as. The last you heard, a month after you two broke up, MC had the nerve to approach Caleb and they were together. Who knew if they were married, or broken up.
Why were you even thinking this? You rubbed your temples, silently nodded to the receptionists as you scanned your card and trudged to your office. If only you didnโt have a high position. The Head Deepspace Analyst. Then you wouldnโt have to ever see this man. But it wasnโt like you tried talking to him, in fact, you did everything to not talk to him.
Having representatives who loveโsickly saunter in, oblivious to your and his previous affairs. Or sending reports to the colonel, making him โfigure it out himselfโ.
A long gruelling day inched towards the end. You briefly glanced up at the window. โWouldnโt you look at that, Chief, Itโs pouring cats and dogs out there.โ Your intern assistant observed. Just like all those years ago. Three years ago, this exact day, where you left early and waited until nearing midnight. Only to feel like a crumpled up piece of paper lying there.
You checked the time. 6:34. You leaned back from your computer, your eyes strained and tired after staring at the blank report of yours for hours. โYouโre dismissed, kid. Tell the receptionists Iโm letting you off early.โ The meek intern bowed down, saluted and quickly scurried off, and you broke oh chuckled at how she looked so excited to leave early.
In an attempt to try and talk to the kid, you learnt how sheโs been going strong with her boyfriend for three years. A lot longer than Caleb.
You couldnโt even understand why you werenโt over him. How everything was written as him. This workplace, your home, your sheets, that cafe you both loved. Meanwhile, you just stayed buried in your office all day, home did not feel like home anymore, you wasted more money on strong smelling, sterile detergent and didnโt even bother to go to that cafe anymore. You knew you would see him there again.
It was dark now, dark grey clouds covering the half moon, and water droplets clinging onto your floorโtoโceiling windows. You exhaled heavily, muttering to yourself that there was too much work to be doing at the moment, but you knew it was because the colonel would pace past your office any moment, doing his usual and final round.
And sure enough, you felt his amethyst piercing eyes stare at the translucent tinted window, and you buried yourself into the computer, counting down the minutes until he was done. He carried on, marching through the headquarters, and he would be there for another twenty two minutes. You already had calculated this in your mind.
Once the ten minute mark passed, then you made your escape, and you wouldnโt cross his way.
Unfortunately for you, just like how youโve memorized when he went around, he had his eyes on you too. In fact, he always had. He glanced into your office longer than he was supposed to, even before everything came crashing down.
He also had cameras. Everywhere. So he would gaze at your silhouette as it left the building, as you were oblivious to how out of sight he was.
Caleb hadnโt been doing well. Sure he got with MC, but he soon realized how weird it felt. It was so unnatural. He brushed it off at first, after all, he just got out of a relationship, and crossed those boundaries from best friends to lovers. But it was so much more different than it was with you.
For one, the dynamic was so much more indifferent than from you. With you, it flowed so much more naturally and he felt happier. Even with the girl heโd been in love with for years, maybeโฆ maybe it was a crush.
It dawned on him. One random night once MC left his house to go back to Linkon. He wanted you back. No, he needed you back. Because it was just a crush. The more he thought of it, he couldnโt see MC and him in the future, but with you, whenever he thought of his kids, those kids resembled you.
A dream wedding was only a dream with you in it. Those nights of drunkenly imagining the future life, lying in bed together.
He loved you. More than he thought he did. And still was. Yearning for you.
But he messed everything up. Even after he quickly ended things with MC, and tried everything to see you again. Constantly stopping by that cafe you two would always catch up in, the laundromat, hell, outside the office, until he realized that youโd never come outside the same way he did.
But dare he? Today, out of all the other days, he could see your neck craning literally into your computer, focused, as you pushed up your glasses again absentmindedly. All these years later, and he was still head over heels for you, but he never had the guts to approach you again, like a lovesick teenager all over again.
And suddenly he had a plan.
You typed away, describing the attributes of a protocore and what nots. You reread it, deleted all of it and groaned. This report was going to Caleb, the Colonel in about a couple of hours, tomorrow five am sharp. And you were far from finished.
You couldnโt focus. You never could on this day, on a stormy night like this.
Twenty two minutes had painstakingly, and finally passed, but in that time, you havenโt seen the colonel marching back. You sighed, realizing that youโd be here for longer. Because you couldnโt face that man. God knows what your body and heart could accidentally do, betraying your mind.
But you typed away, mindlessly going on and on, rambling. Unaware of your surroundings. And an hour had passed, without you realizing. You went over the report one more time. And thenโฆ a sharp rap came from the door. You flinched, head whipping back up. And you saw him.
Crisp, sharp in his uniform, eyes never leaving you, even as you hesitantly walked to the door. What was he doing here? You inwardly groaned as you opened the door, and retreated back to your desk after saluting him, not looking him in the eye. โSir?โ You asked, flatly and more cold than you wanted it to be.
You didnโt dare stare at him, because you knew if you saw him, youโd start tearing up and run into his arms like a desperate ex.
โIโve wanted to ask about the status of the report.โ
Of course. It was still either work or his dear love of his life, MC.
โItโs almost done, sir.โ You still stared at the marble floor, and at his shoes. He walks towards you, and you walk back, just like three years ago, except while your feelings were resurfacing, thereโs nothing friendly or romantic anymore. Except thatโs what you thought.
โLook at me when I address you.โ His voice was icy and you reluctantly stared back at him, pierced eyes meeting each other. Heโs a little taken aback. He stares out my office window. Itโs pitch black, and stormy.
โMay I ask how youโre returning home?โ But he knew the answer to that, because he knew that you didnโt have a car, and just caught the last train. But it was far too late to catch the train now.
โI can take you home.โ โSir that isnโt necesโฆโ โItโs Caleb to you.โ
And the silence hung in the air. โI can get home myself, you know.โ โAnd youโll be sick when my report is supposed to come in? I donโt think so.โ And your heart sank a little. Of course. It was about the report, wasnโt it?
And all of a sudden you were walking to his car. To the passenger side that was once considered yours, maybe now MCโs. He held the door open and you silently thanked him. As he got in the car, he didnโt start the engine. Just locked the doors.
โCaleb?โ You ask, confused.
โIโve always loved how my name rolled off your tongue, yโknow?โ He mused, clutching the wheel, despite not steering to go anywhere. You can see his hand straining to not touch yours. And you pull it back. Because if you let him hold it, then you might never let him go.
โStrange words for a taken man.โ You murmur. And he looks at you. Really look at you. A half surprised look on his face, and half hurt. โIs that what you really think?โ You raise an eyebrow and slowly nod, like it was obvious. โYou think I was stupid?โ
โPlease, hear me out for just a few minutes, and Iโll take you home.โ He pleaded with that same damn expression that shamefully still made you fold for him. You cross your arms and exhale, gesturing for him to go on.
โYeah, I dated MC, but as that year flew by, I realized my actual feelings. I always looked for you in her. Anything she did reminded me of you.โ And he paused before taking your hands. You let him.
โIt was just a crush, just a stupid childhood crush. But Iโve always had my eyes for you.โ And a singular tear falls down the stoic colonel. โIt didnโt feel like they wereโฆโ you whisper back, broken my, like you were on the verge of tears. โItโs always been you, and I was the idiot for not cherishing you the way you deserved..โ
โAnd what about MC?โ โWe broke up two months ago, it was just a crush I guess..โ โyou guess?โ And he slowly nods.
โThat guess blew everything up Caleb.. I thought you didnโt love me.โ โI did.โ He sputtered. โI just didnโt understand what my heart wanted. But now, I promise, I know.โ You donโt say anything, just pursing your lips. His hand found its way to your face, and you only realized tears were falling as his warm touch met your tear droplets.
You let him. Just like you let him walk into your life, crash down everything, and come back. โYou donโt have to love me back, but I learnt that Iโve always loved you.โ And he planted a kiss onto your temple. It felt so natural, you were so touched starved for him that you wanted to kiss him right now.
So was he it seemed, because his kiss lingered for a few seconds, and his hands wrapped around your head, possessive and lovingly. He then started the engine. โLetโs get you home.โ
You felt the engine hum beneath you, the scent of leather and rain mixing inside the car. The storm outside hammered against the windows, each drop drumming like a memory trying to claw its way back. You stared straight ahead, fingers fisting in the fabric of your skirt, as though you could anchor yourself to reality. You were terrified to look at himโฆafraid that if you did, you would let him in again, let him rewrite your walls with promises.
He glanced at you from the corner of his eye. His face was taut, vulnerable, hopeful. โIโve waited so long to say that,โ he murmured, voice raw. โIโve wanted to fix this for so long.โ
Tears slipped down your face again, silent. You blinked them away. โYou ruined it,โ you whispered. โYou stood me up for her. You made me feel like I wasnโt enough.โ
He exhaled, ugly remorse etched across his features. โI know. I was selfish. I was blind. I thought she would make me happy. But every time I was with her, I saw your face behind hers. And it never felt like I belonged there.โ
You risked a glance at him now. The rain painted streaks over the window. His uniform was soaked, but his eyes were luminous. โThen why did you do it?โ you asked, voice small.
โBecause I was a coward. Because I was afraid to admit what I felt. Becauseโฆ I thought I had time. I thought I could fix it later.โ
โLater destroyed me.โ
He didnโt argue. He only reached over, tentative, as though afraid youโd recoil. His hand brushed yours. You didnโt pull away. For just a moment, your world narrowed to that contact: warm, real, imperfect.
โLet me try,โ he pleaded. โJust one chance. Let me prove that you were, are, will always be the one I meant to love.โ
The car rattled on the wet road. Thunder rolled overhead. You swallowed. Your heart pounded. You weighed the memory of betrayal against the memory of love.
You nodded, barely. The smallest movement. But it was enough.
He pressed his lips against your hand where it lay. โThank you,โ he whispered.
And the storm outside raged on, as the two of you sat in silenceโฆtwo souls torn, tentatively reaching, uncertain whether this was the start of everything or the final echo of a dream.
The storm outside raged on, but inside the car the silence grew heavier than the rain. You felt it pressing on your chest, filling the space between the two of you until it was almost hard to breathe. His hand still hovered near yours, but you could feel the tremor in it, as if even his bones knew what heโd lost.
Lightning flashed, white and cruel, illuminating his profile โฆ the same profile you used to trace with your finger when he slept. The scar at his jaw, the slight dip of his brow when he thought too hard, the crease that deepened whenever he was about to say something that mattered. All of it hit you at once, like your own memories were out to betray you.
He drove in silence for a while, knuckles white on the steering wheel. Each turn of the wipers sounded like a metronome to your heart. You stared out at the blurred city,neon signs smeared by rain, people hurrying under umbrellas, a world moving on without you.
โDo you remember,โ his voice cracked, โthat night on the roof? The one where you made me swear I wouldnโt ever let you go?โ
The question came out of nowhere. You blinked at him. Of course you remembered. It was summer, heat still clinging to the city even after midnight, his fingers laced through yours while you dangled your legs off the ledge. Heโd kissed your temple then, too, murmuring promises into your hair. Promises that now tasted like ash.
โI remember,โ you said quietly. Your voice was flat, but inside, you were screaming.
He exhaled, a shudder running through him. โI meant it. I still mean it. I justโฆโ He broke off, jaw clenching. โI donโt expect you to believe me. But I swear, every day without you has been like breathing underwater.โ
You turned back to the window, fingers digging crescents into your palm. You hated how much you wanted to believe him. You hated how, even now, his words threaded themselves into the hollow places in your chest.
When the car finally stopped, it wasnโt at your apartment. It was at the old cafรฉ, the one youโd both lived in for months of your life. The sign buzzed faintly, half the letters burned out. Through the window you could see the same chipped tables, the same corner booth where youโd once fallen asleep on his shoulder after a long shift.
โWhy here?โ you asked, throat tight.
โBecause this is where I first realized I loved you,โ he said simply. โBefore everything. Before I ruined it.โ
You almost laughed. It came out more like a sob. โDo you think dragging me here fixes anything?โ
โNo,โ he said. His eyes were steady on you now. โI think maybe it lets me tell you what I should have said back then.โ
You stayed seated. Rain pattered on the roof like a heartbeat. He killed the engine but didnโt move to get out. Neither did you. The two of you sat there, watching the door of the cafรฉ swing open and closed as strangers came and went.
He finally spoke again, softer. โI used to picture our life. Stupid little things. You making coffee in the morning for the both of us. Me sneaking up behind you. Kids with your eyes. I wanted all of it. But I kept running back to the idea of MC because it was safe. Familiar. I was scared of how much I wanted you.โ
Your throat burned. โAnd you think telling me that now erases the nights I spent crying over you?โ
โNo. It justโฆโ he swallowed hard. โIt just gives you the truth, so you can hate me with all the facts.โ
Silence. Only rain. Only thunder. You finally opened the door and stepped out. Rain plastered your hair to your cheeks, but you didnโt care. You needed air. You needed distance. He followed, of course, calling your name, but his voice was quieter now, almost reverent.
You crossed the street, stood under the awning of the cafรฉ, and stared at the window where your reflection wavered beside his. You could feel him stop behind you, the heat of him even through the cold.
โI donโt know if I can do this again,โ you whispered. โI donโt know if I can trust you.โ
โI know,โ he said. His voice was a rasp. โIโm not asking you to. Iโm just asking you to let me try.โ
A flash of memory hit you, the two of you at this very cafรฉ years ago, splitting a piece of pie, your fingers sticky with sugar, his smile wide and unguarded. It almost knocked the air out of you.
You turned then, finally, and looked at him. Really looked. The rain had flattened his hair, run lines down his face that might have been tears or might have been water. His uniform clung to him like penance. His eyes, though, they were still that same impossible color, still fixed on you like you were the only anchor he had left.
โCalebโฆโ you began, but your voice broke.
He stepped closer but stopped just out of reach, as if waiting for permission. โIf you tell me to go, Iโll go,โ he said. โBut if thereโs even one piece of you that still wants us, Iโll spend every day earning it back.โ
The streetlight above flickered. The cafรฉ door swung open, releasing the smell of coffee and cinnamon into the rain. For a moment, the whole world felt like it was holding its breath.
You inhaled, shaky. You thought of the anniversary dinner that never happened. You thought of the years since, the nights alone, the reports, the silence. You thought of the boy on the roof, promising to never let you go.
And for the first time in years, you let yourself imagine a future again โฆ not a certain one, not a safe one, but one where you werenโt just a ghost haunting your own life.
You reached out, fingers trembling, and touched his sleeve. Not his hand, not yet. Just the sleeve. His breath hitched.
โThis doesnโt mean I forgive you,โ you said.
โI know,โ he whispered. โIt means youโre still here.โ
And then the two of you stood there, rain falling around you like an absolution, not knowing if you were rebuilding something or simply standing in its ruinsย but, for the first time in a long time, not entirely alone.
The rain didnโt let up. It seemed endless, hammering the pavement, drowning out even the cityโs noise until all you could hear was your own heartbeat and his breath behind you.
When youโd touched his sleeve, it had been instinct. A fragile, dangerous instinct. And you hated yourself for it โฆ hated the way your body betrayed the boundaries your heart had been clinging to.
But touching him unlocked something. A flood of memories rose so fast you almost staggered under them.
The rooftop. Summer three years ago. The world below buzzing with life, car horns echoing, neon lights blinking like fireflies. You and Caleb had climbed up with two cheap sodas and a bag of chips, lying on the gravel as if you owned the stars. Heโd been talking nonsense about constellations, making up shapes and stories, when youโd blurted out โฆ โPromise me you wonโt ever let me go.โ
You remembered the way heโd turned serious, instantly. No jokes. No teasing. Just his hand tightening around yours, his thumb brushing your knuckles. I promise, heโd said, and it had sounded so solid, so unbreakable. Youโd believed him like a prayer.
Now, standing under the cafรฉ awning, rain dripping down your face, you almost laughed at the cruelty of memory. The promise had been broken long ago. But part of you still clung to it, like a stubborn child clutching a worn-out toy.
You exhaled shakily, dragging yourself back to the present. Caleb was watching you with that same gaze โฆ steady, heavy, filled with something you wanted so badly to believe in. His lips parted like he wanted to say more, but he didnโt. He just waited.
The silence stretched. The cafรฉ door swung open again, a bell chiming, and the smell of coffee curled into the air. You imagined what it would be like to go inside with him โฆ to slide into the corner booth, to feel his thigh press against yours again, to hear his laugh echo off the walls. Your chest ached with longing so sharp it was almost physical pain.
But you didnโt move. Neither did he.
Finally, you whispered, โYou canโt fix everything with a promise. Not this time.โ
His throat bobbed. โI know.โ
โAnd you canโt expect me to justโฆ forget what you did.โ
โI donโt,โ he said softly. โI expect you to hate me for a long time. I already do.โ
The rawness in his voice sliced through you. You turned away, hugging your arms around yourself. The rain poured harder, slipping past the edge of the awning and soaking your skirt.
โIโm tired, Caleb,โ you admitted. โTired of waiting. Tired of competing with someone who will always come first. Tired of not being enough for you.โ
He stepped closer then, but still didnโt touch you. His voice was low, almost desperate. โYou were always enough. More than enough. I justโฆ didnโt know how to love right. I didnโt know how to stop being a coward.โ
You shut your eyes. The storm roared around you, echoing the storm inside.
After a long pause, you turned back to him. His face was wet, whether from rain or tears you couldnโt tell. His hands were trembling slightly at his sides.
โThen prove it,โ you said, your voice steadier than you felt. โIf you really mean it โฆ prove it. Not with words. With time. With actions. Withโฆ with everything you didnโt give me before.โ
For a moment, he looked stunned. Then his shoulders sagged, as if your words had both crushed and freed him. โI will,โ he whispered. โAs long as it takes. Even if it takes the rest of my life.โ
You didnโt answer. You couldnโt. Your chest was too tight, your throat too raw. Instead, you stepped back under the rain, letting it wash over you. Letting him see how broken you still were.
He didnโt follow this time. He just stood under the awning, watching, hands balled into fists at his sides.
When you finally turned toward your apartment, he moved, walking silently beside you. Not close enough to touch, not far enough to disappear. Just there. A shadow at your side, in the storm.
And for the first time in years, you didnโt push him away.
The storm had followed you home. Even after Caleb finally left โฆ after that wordless walk back where neither of you dared to bridge the silence โฆ the rain kept hammering the city. Youโd closed your apartment door behind you, leaned against it, and just breathed until your legs gave out. By the time you stumbled into bed, your clothes were still damp, your hair clinging to your skin, and your mind too loud to sleep.
When sleep finally dragged you under, it wasnโt kind.
You dreamt of him โฆ not in the storm, not broken, but as he once was. Laughing in your kitchen while stirring pasta sauce. Humming off-key against your neck while you tried to swat him away. The weight of his head in your lap as you read aloud, his fingers tapping a rhythm against your knee. Every memory so vivid it felt like youโd slipped back in time. You wanted to scream at Dream-You for smiling, for touching him so tenderly, for believing him.
When morning came, it was cruel.
Your eyes cracked open to pale gray light seeping through the curtains. The storm had passed, but the world felt damp and heavy. Sheets tangled around your legs, still faintly smelling like him. Your throat burned, raw from crying even though you hadnโt realized how much you had last night.
For a few seconds, waking up felt normal โฆ as if maybe he was in the kitchen already, making coffee too strong, clattering mugs around, ready to tease you for sleeping in. Your chest even fluttered at the thought.
Then the truth hit. The silence was absolute.
No clatter. No humming. No warmth beside you. Just the echo of his voice still tangled in your head: Itโs always been you.
You groaned into your pillow, burying your face. Tears stung again, though you thought youโd run dry. Why did mornings always hurt more than nights? At least the darkness gave you cover to lie to yourself. Daylight stripped you bare.
Your phone buzzed on the nightstand. One message. One name.
Caleb.
Your heart lurched so hard you nearly knocked the phone off the table. The message preview burned into your eyes: โDid you sleep okay?โ
That was all. Four stupid words. Too gentle, too familiar, too much like the Caleb you had loved before everything shattered.
You stared at it for what felt like hours. Your thumb hovered over the screen, trembling. You wanted to reply. You wanted to type out something sharp and cold, to remind him he didnโt deserve to check in anymore. But another part of you โฆ the weaker, softer part โฆ just wanted to say yes, to let him know you had seen his words, to not feel alone in this morning haze.
Instead, you threw the phone back on the nightstand and rolled onto your back, staring at the ceiling. The cracks in the plaster suddenly looked like maps, routes leading nowhere.
The world outside was already moving โฆ cars honking, footsteps echoing on wet pavement, vendors shouting about fresh bread. You had work in an hour. People waiting on your reports. A whole galaxy of responsibilities. And yet, all you could think about was four words from the man who had broken you, the man who was suddenly trying to rebuild what you werenโt sure existed anymore.
You whispered into the still air, barely audible: โI donโt know if I can do this.โ
And maybe the worst part was that you didnโt know if you meant him or yourself.
