idealistic and narcissistic @equalperson - Tumblr Blog

I think watching the life fading from someone's eyes would heal me.

avpd culture is trying to quit running away when it comes to relationships, but then learning that beyond the scary point of avoidance there's often a fact that people just don't want to change. you can be mindful and communicate, but it's not a panacea people want you to think it is. so you look at other options you have, and avoidance pops up as a habit that never disappointed you like that

#TRUE. I don't get those ~avoidant success stories~ because all people have done is prove Me right #good for those folks and all but what utopia do y'all live in where everyone you get to know isn't incompatible with you at best #and actively abusive at worst. and may I see it

antisocial-hatred

research for NPD/ASPD diagnosed individuals!

hi, I'm finally back with my research link if anyone wants to partake: https://forms.gle/PREFpNSozka3ZRvx5 only requirement: be diagnosed with NPD/ASPD or have a strong suggestion by a therapist concerning those disorders, and the survey aims at subverting the current cultural and scientific comprehension of these disorders and their alleged correlation with conservative values and general indifference around social and political issues. Instead, we are conducting a qualitative research focused on the cases of association between ASPD/NPD and leftist and progressivist values, and attentiveness to current socio-political questions. Every answer will be useful and completely anonymous, just be open, sincere and please, we are not looking for edgelords :,) thanks in advance!

update on the whole "spending more time offline" thing: it's been an incredibly mixed bag.

on the one hand, I have a lot more freedom now that I'm not devoting literally every waking hour to trying to farm likes across My 110 (hyperbole) social media profiles.

over this past month or so, I've been able to tend to My hygiene, apply for jobs regularly, get a haircut, volunteer, play more games, and get high more often experiment with altered states. I've wanted to do all of these things for years, but did them irregularly at best and never at all at worst, in major part (although not exclusively) because My 24/7 grind for attention felt more pressing.

but on the other hand, the internet really is My only source of ego regulation, so I've been having severe mood swings as of late.

while I've had some swings high, I've also had periods stretching several days in which I can't bring Myself to do anything except scream, cry, relive traumatic memories, wallow in shame, spiral into anxiety attacks and physically aggressive outbursts, and quite literally beg people on mental health forums for help (who never do, because they don't understand My issues).

that's why I haven't posted to here, even during My online time, because I keep worrying that nothing I say matters or that people will retraumatize Me if I socialize on any level. not that My absence was very noticeable, since I'm not very consistent in the first place.

I'm in a decent mood right now, but I don't really know where My feelings will take Me.

like, one of My applications led to an interview, but it was through an infamously poor middleman (seasoned 🤢) that often makes and cancels interviews that don't even exist. I got an interview, just for it to be randomly canceled. I called the location and they said their hiring manager "is coming back wednesday," so now I've gotta call them AGAIN today to ask her if there ever even was an interview.

getting that """interview""" was a major upswing for My mood and losing it caused such a horrible spiral, I have no idea what I'll do if I don't get another one.

#personal #I don't even wanttt to call them but I need to...I need a job so bad #that's only My third interview offer in YEARS of job-searching I need this. but I don't want to talk to anyone RN. but I'm going to #in 30 minutes. I prommy

ASPD criteria remake

the original criteria for ASPD has always been troublingly external IMO--playing into the "antisocial = violent criminal" stereotype and potentially excluding high-masking antisocials--so I thought I'd rephrase it to focus on why we act as we do. this was constructed solely from My own knowledge on antisociality, so feel free to provide feedback it misses anything important.

contempt for or difficulty following rules, resulting from a need for control, impulsivity, or stimulation-seeking.

deceitfulness, resulting from a need for control or stimulation-seeking.

impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.

persistent irritability or rage episodes, potentially leading to aggression towards people, animals, or property.

low sensitivity to danger to self or others, resulting from a reduced capacity for fear, impaired empathy, or stimulation-seeking.

an unwillingness or inability to commit to responsibilities (promises, careers, goals, etc.), resulting from a need for control, impulsivity, or stimulation-seeking.

lack of remorse.

#antisocial personality disorder #aspd #actually antisocial #actually aspd #okay here was My thought process. criterion 1 is literally the embodiment of ''crime disorder''#and I thought it'd make more sense to reference the fact that we generally begrudge ALL rules not just laws #C2 was fine I just added the most common reasons I've seen antisocials give for deceit. C3 was also good as is #C4 was another external & crime-heavy one through its requirement of ''physical fights or assault'' so I tried to focus more on anger itsel #while still noting aggression because that's incredibly common and I don't want to water down antisocial rage to just being a bit cranky #C5 was changed basically just to emphasize the internal logic of it. C6 focused exclusively on work in the DSM (because capitalism)#so I broadened it to include other forms of irresponsibility. again antisociality isn't just restricted to one area #+ I'd imagine this works better for people who aren't able to work/manage their own finances thus are inherently excluded from C6 #lastly I didn't change much of anything about C7 except I excluded the whole ''having hurt mistreated or stolen from another'' portion #because firstly. it's a lack of remorse obviously it's gonna include that. and secondly #it once again focuses on the behavior considered the most offensive by prosocials when remorselessness can present in contexts #other than like. theft and maltreatment. prosocials feel guilty for random shit all the time

so after using THC on multiple occasions over the past month or so, I've found that it decreases My avoidant and sociopathic traits, but increases My narcissism.

barring a few exceptions, I'm not all that capable of fear or anger while I'm high, which automatically stamps out 90% of My motivation to act avoidantly/antisocially.

in a matter of fact, I become acutely aware of how exaggerated these things are. I still understand that I live under circumstances that completely justify neuroticism (not that emotions need to be "justified," but YKWIM), but I notice that My thoughts immediately jump to them.

like, I won't be anxious but I'll still avoid things "just to be safe;" I won't be angry but I'll still react to any inconvenience with violent thoughts.

I have one of these kneejerk reactions while I'm so detached from any semblance of panic/scorn, and I'll realize just how irrational and shallow some of them are.

sometimes, I'm nothing more than an animal making Myself big or small to ward off predators, posturing instead of feeling any real emotion. not that this realization stops Me from acting the exact same as usual once I sober up, but I'm at least more conscious of it than I used to be.

meanwhile, however, increased grandiosity is a telltale sign that I'm coming up: I get so giddy about how great I am, it's nearly all I can think about until I get too high to feel one way or another about Myself.

interestingly, I got high with My mom on 4/20 and noticed that I don't just get really proud, but also really arrogant. talking to someone meant that I wasn't able to zone out, so I continued referencing back to My own self-concept the entire time.

at first, I felt so much fucking contempt; she was annoying, people online were annoying, her horrible husband who wasn't around but she mentioned was annoying. not that this is unusual for sober Me, but like I said, it is very different from how I feel when I'm high and alone.

this settled at some point, but I was completely unable to mask My grandiosity; I'd tell her to stop talking when she was bothering Me, I'd lie under circumstances I generally wouldn't to make Myself sound more successful, I'd get loud and outspoken whenever I felt offended or disrespected. luckily, because she was stoned too, she either missed the underlying hostility or was just like "whoaaa chill out man haha."

this does make some sense, though: pride and contempt work in tandem to make up narcissistic grandiosity, so I shouldn't be too shocked that being more self-aggrandizing also meant being quicker to put others down.

I didn't hate it, in all honesty. I'm glad that I was able to unmask without being hurt for once. I've also been thinking a lot about managing My conflict avoidance, and this experience has made Me even more interested in doing so.

#personal #drugs #it is worth noting though that the specific product I took with My mom was the first one I tried that didn't have CBD (which soothes)#and had CBG (which energizes) so it's possible I got like that because of that. especially since it also didn't help regulate My sleep cycl #like THC + CBD products do. all things considered I'm gonna try a THC + CBD + CBG product one of these days and see how that goes #because the sleep benefit really does improve My quality of life and if I can get high AND have that effect why wouldn't I?#so I'd rather just steer clear of CBG if it turns out that it inherently enables My fucked up sleep schedule #also I've used this wayyy less than I expected. you would think that the same guy who pretended to be an adult on hinge when she was younge #to start using drugs and escape her trauma would constantlyyy be high once she had access to them but. not really LOL #I've found that I'm very workaholic when it comes to maintaining My reputation #and since I can't post coherent intellectual points while high even the thought of using regularly or spontaneously gives Me anxiety attack #so I schedule in advance when I'm gonna get high. this has also inspired Me to schedule days where I don't go on social media #in an attempt to curb My perfectionism. it's working pretty well! I've been spending a lot of time playing needy streamer overload #yunyun syndrome (the demo that is. it releases for real today!) poker night at the inventory and project diva #surprisingly not tomodachi life though. even though I DID buy it. whenever I get My switch I always want to play rhythm games LMAO #anyway another surprising thing is that My mom uses way more often than I do. which is a bit off-putting #because why are we already almost out of our dozens of gummies when it's been less than a month + we each only need one to get high #+ I barely use? but it hasn't caused any issues and even if she does get addicted it's not My problem unless it puts Me in danger so 🤷‍♀️#(fun fact: she was the one who suggested getting high together. which especially weirded Me out #because she literally said before that we were only supposed to use it during bouts of anxiety and not recreationally #and yet SHE'S suggesting we get high for fun now???? but I can't let Myself get worried about this. I've gotta focus on number one #as long as she doesn't get in a wreck while I'm in the car or stop feeding Me or stop paying rent or something I don't have much to lose)

#personal #technically 'night of' since it's already the 14th but whateverrr. time to change all My bios to 20

thinking about My decision a while back to disassociate Myself from the "schizophrenic" label, and it's something just how much that's impacted My self-concept.

like, even though I haven't had a major psychotic episode in years, I saw it as so inevitable up until recently, like I was an intrinsically psychotic person who just had temporary periods of lucidity. but now I feel more like someone who--like anyone else--can have psychotic episodes from stress, and has just been under more stress in My life than most people have.

similarly, I used to attribute My "cognitive symptoms"--E.G. memory impairments--to simply being schizophrenic, but now I can more easily recognize it as a trauma response.

it's not even that I didn't consider My "schizophrenia" trauma-related before, but it was hard to fully grasp when schizophrenics and non-schizophrenics alike most often subscribed to the narrative that it's a neurological disease caused by physical pathology rather than one's environment.

I've also thought about the way My self-image shifted when I went from identifying as someone with "avoidant personality disorder" to a "recovering avoidant"/someone with "avoidant traits."

granted, this was actually caused by a shift in My functioning, but even beyond that, I've found that I see Myself as more confident and assertive than I used to, which has really been a double-edged sword.

on the one hand, I no longer see Myself as completely powerless, which is obviously good for My self-esteem: I focus on My strengths more often and I know that I'm capable of standing up for Myself, even if I don't always choose to do so.

but on the other hand, it takes Me longer to recognize when My passivity, anxiety, and perfectionism are making My life worse, because I don't consider them "major issues" anymore.

this all makes Me wonder how much My current self-concept is still being influenced by the labels I do use. if I dropped all psychiatric labels tonight, who would I be a month down the line? how many things am I overlooking because I see Myself as an "autistic narcissist with antisocial and avoidant traits" instead of an undefinable individual?

I don't believe using these labels is all bad--a lot of this comes down to identity diffusion rather than an innate inability to see through psychiatric labels--but it's certainly something to think about.

#personal #IK a lot of people see PD labels as the most likely to destroy your sense of self (which is true in a lot of cases) but ironically #I believe it's actually easier for Me to maintain a nuanced view of My atypicalities through a persodivergent lens #than through other psychiatric categories. persodivergent spaces are among the only psych-centric spaces I've seen #where your environment is actually considered of utmost importance. aside from post-traumatic and plural communities #most psych spaces I've seen encourage people to go ''i'm like this because i'm mentally ill. end of story''#but it's a universally accepted fact in persodivergent communities that 99% of us are traumatized #not saying that they're some trauma-informed antipsych utopia #but I've never found it difficult to hold the ideas that I'm like this because I'm traumatized and that I'm persodivergent in My head #at the same time. plus since persodivergence is part of My personality it makes more sense to identify with it #My psychosis is a temporary stress response but I'm narcissistic (et al.) all day everyday. it affects everything I think say and do #which is also part of why distancing Myself from My avoidant tendencies has created such a weird effect. because it IS still who I am #but not so much so that it warrants being framed the same way as someone who's more severely impaired by their sensitivity

NGL I like smiling friends but the fact that a show with such a doting fanbase is ending brings out My unsympathetic side and leaves Me feeling nothing but disgust.

"this can't be happening," "i can't stop crying," "i miss it already," "how am i going to cope now?" [insert obligatory comforting statement that indicates My kindness here] but oh My god.

at first it was really funny to watch everyone lose it, but then it got really pathetic and annoying and repulsive to watch everyone whine about how pointless their sad little lives are without this random TV show.

I've seen every episode, self-inserted into it, gone through that hyperfixation phase where you reblog 72 posts about it in one sitting. but never once have I felt even remotely upset about it ending, let alone spiraled into despair like so many others apparently have.

trying to utilize My superpower of mentalization, I do admit that there is one show that I would be upset about ending. but that show is better + it wouldn't be pathetic if I did it sooooo...

#personal #was considering censoring the show's name because god I'd hate for this to pop up in the tags #and for emotional fans who don't know how I roll to get up in arms about Me not giving a fuck #but My personal posts barely get any attention so. improbable. WGAF #I definitely plan on watching the finales (later. during My dinner-and-TV/youtube time) but honestly I stopped caring about it #once I found out that one of the creators was spouting slurs and talking about turning africa all-white #and most of the jokes that went over My head were kiwi farms shit. the site that exists to harass and sometimes kill trans/disabled people #which makes Me even less sympathetic towards viewers who are actually attached to it. boohoo #your emotional support eugenicist microcelebs canceled your LOLcow show. get over yourself. watch something better #stop watching that shit legally and buying hot topic merch at least #also worth noting that I was not aware of this when I first hyperfixated on it. I absolutely would not have watched it knowing this #at this point I'm gonna finish it out and then move on. I don't even care to rewatch it anymore LOL #knowing something is pushing the normalization of alt-right culture really makes it lose its charm doesn't it #TBH I wonder how much of the gen-Z left's acceptance of right-wing memes and dogwhistles has to do with how popular shows #and so-called ''apolitical'' creators who use them are among them. the amount of times I've seen leftists say that the #''fat 'man' in skirt sexually assaults cis protagonist'' scene was secretly feminist is astounding #but that's a subject for another post. and yet another thing that makes Me want to scrub all SF-related posts from My socials

I hate when people use "cluster B" as a shorthand for "demonized PDs," because literally all PDs are demonized.

I've seen people claim that "paranoid abuse" exists, that schizoids should all be treated as potential serial killers, and that the anxiety of cluster C personalities causes right-wing extremism. cluster B is more well-known (barring the oft-forgotten histrionic personality), but people will absolutely fearmonger about clusters A and C when given the chance.

and these are only the ways clusters A and C are demonized by name! more often than not, this dehumanization occurs through disparaging traits without naming any specific diagnosis.

ever seen people complain about those with paranoid ideation, dismissive attachment, the socially anxious, or perfectionists/"control freaks?" those are all defining traits of at least one cluster A/C diagnosis, and the end result of these being seen as signs of evil or inferiority is that we're treated as evil or inferior, even if nobody ever says it's because they hate cluster A/C people.

#personality disorder #cluster a #cluster c #sanism #should I tag the ones I mentioned by name........sure #paranoid personality disorder #ppd #schizoid personality disorder #szpd #(also histrionic but that was so offhanded it'd just be spam to put it in the tags)#most striking moment of anti-PD sanism not targeting cluster B I remember is seeing a tweet #that said that transvestigating ''must be a sign of a cluster C personality disorder.'' I replied like #''cluster C is characterized by inhibition rejection sensitivity and perfectionism. how would that make someone a bigot?''#and they never replied back. usually I don't take someone not replying as a sign they ''lost the argument'' but c'mon #there is zero evidence or logic behind that claim other than ''[trans]phobia = fear. personality disorder = abuse.#so fear + personality disorder = transphobic abuse ☝️🤓💡'' which is ridiculous in ways the english language can't adequately describe

jaythesaltybastard

embracing my god complex by changing my pronouns from he/him to He/Him

#this but unironically #I used to list My pronouns in caps but nobody's gonna do that so WGAF. at least I have My capital first-person pronouns

classically-lit-memes4u

RIP to everyone killed by the gods for their hubris but im different. and better. maybe even better than the gods

funnier-with-narcpd

#I've seen a lot of attempted NPD versions of ''beautiful princess disorder'' but this is the one I like the most #gotta find some way to start using this

I'm crying really hard right now even though I don't cry. I'm not even physically able to cry most of the time because I literally think to Myself "I'm being weak" and stop but I can't stop weeping. is this normal what the fuck???? is this a thing that can happen with weed I'm sad as fuck I'm so scared I hope no one comes in and sees Me being a fucking pathetic dumbass

#I was gonna tell My mom but I don't want anyone to see Me like this #I don't know why I'm posting online if I don't want to be seen but IDK. I guess being read is different #but fuck My face is grimacing snot is running eyes are squinting mouth is frowning I'm ugly-crying for once in My life #I'd be so humiliated to be seen like this. plus it's not like anyone could help Me #no one ever helps Me everyone's so useless. but I'll cope #would you be surprised if I said watching gameplay of vs. rewrite trinity encore did this to Me #nothing about the video itself was distressing. just focusing so intently on it made Me think and get upset #this is the worst thing to ever happen to Me I don't know what's going on #ths is ah orrible oh My god Im so scared I feel like I'm gonna vomit like not exaggerating it hurts so much #I've never felt this bad in My entire life oh M y god when will this stop #wait let Me do the math in My head. I started three and a half hours ago. according to google I'm also through the peak #gritting My teeht and grinning and bearing oh My god #I wonder if this looks fake. I remember playing NSO and seeing ame tweet while high and thinking #'man that's so over-the-top. I wouldn't experience that. I'd power through it with quiet dignity'#but oh My god no no no fuck no I know I look ridiculous #god My mom's in the next room. I hope she doesn't try to check on Me #I sorta want to take a selfie to see what I look like but I'm scared of what My own face will look like like this #what if it scares Me. where am I. why is it peaking now. I'm scared to even do anything #gonna look up if a trip can be aborted this shit sucks now. was fun while it lasted but oh My god this is frightening as fuck

however many hours update this is so fucking scary. not that I'm actually scared I'm just very confused and dizzy in a way that makes Me a bit scared.

okay so My mom went out to smoke. and I was waiting for her to come back so I could ask her something. so I was on twitter and I didn't even know where I was?? it was like everything was blurry and My room was floating through the clouds. I was sure it was actually!! I could see it in M y mind!!

but then I was like. what. is this the THC. or am I asleep. but I was still in it. after a few more minutes My mom got back and I got SO DIZZY standing up. everytime I did something I forgot it. I kept thinking the last few seconds and prior were dreams and I just woke up.

so I checked My phone and all of the tweets I saw?? were stilkl there???? word for word????? so it WAS real!! I thought I was lucid a moment ago but the room is so big and I can hardly see anything but My screen.

when am I coming back down oh My god. this is scary I literally have never been so asleep in My life. I'm not even scared I'm literally smiling but in an uneasy way. I feel amused emotionally but My chest feels tight like I'm anxious. I don't know what's happening at allllllllllll I don't know if I never want to wake up or if I need to wake up RN. hmmm do I want to tell My mom or wait it out. hm.

#personal #drugs #not even gonna proofread this one sorry. I've always thought that My life was like a dream or a nightmare or a drug trip but god.#I could never have even imagined this. I didn't know the world could look like this. how do I even make the most of this?#I wonder if I should stay in silence or do something interesting #I just didn't know everything could look like this. god I can never say My life is like anything again I've never felt like this #I can see that My room door is closed but I keep wondering if that's a hallucination #I'm not really hallucinating but the room is shifting a bit. I wonder if I could make Myself see new things though #but do I even want to?? that's whyh I can't decide if I want to stay in silence or not. what would happen if I did hallucinate #I'm gonna give this 10 more minutes I'm starting to get weirded out I think I should tell My mom

okay 1½-hour THC update. I'm a bit more grandiose than usual but I'm not sure if that's related or not. it's sort of like a narcissistic high--that same sense of self-actualization and restlessness--so I'm uncertain if I'm just happening to have one now or actually intoxicated.

I felt super arrogant for a few minutes, then super hyper for a few more, and now I feel mostly normal but still a bit excited. I feel tired physically but not emotionally. I keep having to correct My own spelling too. that's definitely the THC actually LOL.

#personal #drugs #I hate being awake I want to go to sleep < - > I love being awake I want to do everything. I'm so fucking tired /neutral #I keep forgetting to capitalize My first-person pronouns and space out My words. which is unpleasant but fine #I told Myself Iw as gonna watch the simpsons episode where homer gets addicted to medical marijuana if this worked so. okay #I wasn't really in the mood but I'm actually fine with it. I want to see smithers I want to see My ravishing wife

equalperson

gonna get much better or much worse soon

equalperson

oh vanityposting aside don't buy these (beeZbee) gummies BTW. the store we were supposed to go to closed without updating their google listing, so we went somewhere else on impulse and they only had these.

upon researching them once I got home, it turns out that they don't contain the cannabinoids they advertise ("broad-spectrum CBD" is actually just CBD alone, "full-spectrum" is just CBD & THC without the other cannabinoids) and they don't test for contaminants in their product.

the CBD didn't do ANYTHING, even after multiple dosing levels across multiple days. in the hour since My mom and I took the THC, I haven't felt anything but she has. still doesn't change the false advertising and safety concerns, though.

I've heard off hours and lazarus naturals are good, so I wanna try those next and see if they perform any better.

#personal #My mom's in the other room talking to her husband like ''I'm having a reaction I don't like being out of control''#and I'm just feeling normal AF. some part of Me feels superior for this NGL #but IK My dad was a pothead when he was younger so maybe I just inherited his tolerance instead. or maybe she's placebo-effecting it #or maybe I'm nocebo-effecting it. or maybe I'm god. a lot of possibilities really

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