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4th Anniversary

4 years ago, at this hour, I was so busy. Preparing and co-ordinating every little essentials and if I am not wrong, I was at lavendar.

I am sad. I am angry. I am still wondering.

Is there any more that I need to do? I am so very tired.

20th Year

20 years and counting. A decision that was made in 20 years ago has returned to haunt me. Could not sleep, loss of appetite confused and full of regrets. This should be a season of joy, merrymaking and celebration. But in me, I see the loss of life, the loss of an achievable goal, the loss of me.

Through this 20 years, I had enjoyed the company of friends, the company of acquaintances. Been in love, out of love, been high on the spirit and spirits, addicted to nicotine, quit and started again all for no good reasons.

All this while, I was wondering where she was. How was she doing and is there a way I can see her and apologize for my stupidity and childishness. I found her on facebook. Seemingly happily married, successful in her career and family. Still in church, seemingly still having the same likes as when I knew her.

Deep inside, it pained me to see her with someone else. A person whom I had, at that time, disgustingly put down. Full of myself, full of pride. Believing that I could make my mark in the world. Live large and live free. It was not to be. I regret.

Now when I think back, I am at a loss for direction. My life ruined by my own hands, my own decisions.

SWB - "When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus. He is more than just an answer to your prayer".

But words are so empty. I had seen trust broken, failures of "friends", family and colleagues.

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth".

I looked up. But there was the night sky, I prayed and there was silence. I asked myself "Why are you so sad?". No answer.

Will this pain, this loss, this regret ever go away? Am I hoping for something that is beyond me? Am I expecting the unexpectable? Where am I? Who am I? What am I to do or should be doing? I want to get up and move forward. But where? When? How?

I am at a loss for further words. I am at the darkest and most deepest hole that I had ever known. Where responsibility overwhelms me. Obligations that never ceases. What of the future, what future is there when I am going to be a grey old man still fulfilling all my obligations.

Psalm 121:7-8

The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

God, I still depend on you.

Closing an Chapter

I used to write looooong compositions while in school. I loved create stories of fantasies and imagine a world where everything was perfect. The most difficult part of it was how to close a chapter beautifully so that the next chapter can open in a much nicer tone.

In life, we are all like books. The composition is much more real and tangible. Whatever that we do, say and think about are all written in this book. And as I write this little sub-composition, I realize that this chapter in my life is about to close and a new chapter will begin soon.

During the tumultuous 4 years of working in a not-for-profit organization, I had experienced joy, frustrations, grief, surprise and even marvel at some of idio-syncracies of man and the wonders of God. But in true humanity, people are still people in any country, city, town, village or organization. Be it a multi-national organization, local enterprise, a society or even a church. In any of these places, you will be able to see the beauty and uglier side of humanity. I have seen both.

How to end this chapter in my life? I don't think the achievement of my work targets and objectives are important anymore. I don't think the correction of others perception of me is important anymore. I don't think the persons that do not like the way I talk, move, or even look will change anytime soon. It is time to "build bridges", not burn them. Leave the organization on a good note. Make friends, finish whatever last bit that you can do to help and be thankful to God that He had provided for all the needs.

I am glad that those who had worked with me in the past sees through the mask that I had put on for the last 2 years. Now that I do not need to put on a mask, I am free to be who I am and hopefully, be a better (not bitter) person.

#chapters

Recent Happenings

With so much happening this year, a new year, I am already overwhelmed with the "busy-ness" so much to do with so little time. My tech supp engineer (Information Systems Officer) was removed from under me. I had been working alone to support 50 staff, 70+ computers (PC/Notebook), 80+ email boxes, 10 servers and 3 Wide Area Networks. All of which are dispersed over 3 locations. On top of all these, I cannot but be involved in the upcoming BIG event in March, potential office re-location (Have to move servers, PCs, Telcom eqpt, network re-configuration), potential old building rebuilt (Infrastructure planning, system planning, desires of others to use the network facility eg web broadcast, interactivity of 2 locations). Now, an old unfaithful "friend" that had abandoned the project last year has been told to take it up again. My up, up, up, boss detailed in an email, to the head of the IT Comm (who is in the ECB), as quote "Please see if his (that "old" unfaithful friend) ideas can be worked on this without going through the ICT com". Seriously, what this old unfaithful "friend" wanted was the personal bio of the members be available to ALL the staff. I said no. Then he added on to have the Leaders to have access to these detail and have it editable. I said "No Way"! Well, he just added on to say "I am the user. You have to give me what I want". Personally, I do not like my information be available to any persons or "leaders" that I do not know or have any idea who they are. The new approach that he is now proposing is to have this information be duplicated on a information store, hosted in the USA, not in the control of the Information Systems that we own. Is this right? All these is now just adding on. I have enough on my "plate" to handle and I do not need to have to answer to such persons who only makes statements without any ownership. Sigh. Why do I have to work here?

#stupid

Snr Pastor is on Twitter

http://twitter.com/310Phil

#twitter

Face of a thief

This man was captured by CCTV and identified as the culprit who stole a bag in a church on 17 Aug 2009 @ 10.34am. If anyone has any information about him, please come forward to provide.

#thievery

YouTube - Dick & Rick Hoyt

I believe the video of Team Hoyt had been shared around the world countless number of times. Every single person who has seen it lauds the father who is fondly termed "Ironman". I admire him for his courage and strength and the love that he has for the son. That much is true. What do I then has to say personally about it? I LOATHE IT! Why? Is it because it I am unfeeling and uncaring? NO! A open secret to tell ALL of you. My eldest brother is in the same sickness as the son is. I know the pain that the father goes through. The thought and the questions and fear that he has in his mind. Am I then asking for the same accolades that he has received? NO! What will those accolades do to me? NOTHING! It does not feed me, it does not clothe me. It only adds to the burden and pain. I DO NOT WANT your PITY! The question that he may have asked. "What if he dies before the son?" "Who will take care of his son?" "Are there any "funds" or "home" that the son is able to depend on?" Nothing that he can depend on others for! I am NOT asking for pity and neither am I begging for help! The reality is that I have to bear the burden and responsibility to care for my mother (71years old as of 2009) who is half deaf and my eldest brother. I cannot deny this. Are my relatives helping? Very few from my fathers' side knows us and even fewer still (virtually none) is willing or able to help this family. How about my mothers' side? NONE is willing to take on the responsibility of my brother. This is also the reason why till now, I am still single (not really available), having a lower paying job (it gives me the flexibility and time to rush home as needed). Now, is it because I am not contented with my lot and simply just demanding for more? When is it enough? I remember I never "chase my friends" who had owed me money. I remember myself helping others physically and financially when needed. I remember working on projects that I never got paid for (though was promised). Maybe I am just too "soft-hearted" or plain stupid. How long will my brother and mother live? Is there any evidential and absolute reference that they will live to any particular age? Will I be able to survive them? So, when is it enough? I think this question can only be answered if there are absolutes on my mother and bother's age limit or the condition that there is ample support for them when I am gone. Till then, I must still continue working in this place and be responsible for my mother and brother when NO ONE ELSE can.

#tired

#communications

Intrigued by Technology

I am fascinated by this ad. Though it is a marketing ploy, it still works on me.

#communications

One Year and Counting

At 2.58am, it will be exactly a year since my brother had passed away.

My thoughts & feelings now? *Imagining myself on the stage, at the podium, holding my trophy* First of all, I would like to thank....

No, that is not my feeling. Do I have anyone to thank? Yes, for the kind responses that they had provided, the time and effort they had invested in me and the participative concerns that everyone had vocalized.

But what is there to thank for when a person close to you has passed on? Quoting from a song, "Oh! What peace we often forfeit. Oh! What needless pain we bear". This is exactly my thoughts. But to live it out, it takes more than just the song. It takes courage and lots of teeth grinding. To be able to face each day, to be able to "make sense of madness".

Bro! If you can read this, please know that all in the family are well. Rest my brother.

#brother

What kind of person do you say this is?

I had this experience.

A outsourced web application development project was completed for slightly more than a year. Then one day, a person comes up and says that the application does not fit the criteria of the department which he is working for. Upon discussing the details, he insists that the project be re-opened and the application changed so that it could benefit the particular department.

Having confirmed that there would be other changes needed, a phase 2 of this development was negotiated with the vendor and confirmed in the beginning of a new work year. But the detail specifications on the exact changes were not provided as yet.

So meetings with the various departments were fruitful with the detailed specifications on what needed to be changed. The reason for the level of detail was to remove any ambiguity and loose interpretation of requirements and expectations.

But the person who initiated this phase of the project with the statements "This application does not work for my department" and "I am the end-user, you need to give me what I want" have not submitted the requirements after 6 months.

In these 6 months, this department person provided promises to detail what was required. But only end-desired reports were provided. Not the detailed process on how to get these reports and nothing close to desired expectations.

After a heated discussion and some sharp email correspondence, he decided to "hand-over" this phase of the project to some other person. Claiming, this was not within his "job-scope".

In my opinion, I find this person irresponsible and very much a coward. Unable to deliver on what he started and a person that does not think through on the issues before making a statement. Now, his HOD needs to take over what he left undone.

Your public comments, please.

#disappointed

When Others say YOU CAN'T

Initially when I thought of providing Wireless Internet Access to our members, there were a few tech folks out there who tells me that it is not possible on the configuration that I needed. Today, it is accomplished!

Difficulties faced.

1. The authentication of the person to use the Wireless would be a separate process and thus whoever needs to use the system will have 2 UserID and Passwords

2. When creating a UID/Password in the main system, this has to be duplicated in a Linux Server

3. M$ does not have a viable free authentication system that can connect to the MSSQL and read the relevant UID/Password.

4. Linux by itself will be able to do the job of authenticating. But a separate process is not going to help the members.

Solution:

1. Setup a Linux Server

2. Installed a database trigger on the MSSQL to replicate certain information to another MSSQL Radius DB

3. Installed a DB link application (FreeTDS) that allows the Linux to "talk" to the MSSQL

4. Installed the UnixODBC so that an application that I write will call the ODBC routine

5. Installed RADIUS authentication that will call the ODBC routine.

6. Patched the SQUID proxy server to include enable RADIUS authentication, ICAP filtering (Anti-Virus)

7. Created a Private VLAN to separate the Public from Private Network

8. Configured an internal DNS to resolve the proxy address name.

9. Configured a DHCP that will not only provide IP address but provide the URL for the proxy (Automatically Detect Proxy Settings in IE)

And now? It is working for both locations! The cost of such a device in the open market? USD$1595 per year subscribtion. How much did I pay? My time and effort on an old pc.

http://www.nle.com/shopping_CART/security/firewall-utm/fortiwifi-80cm-b-g-n-with-1-year-complete-bundle.html AND http://www.fortinet.com/products/fortiwifi/

#can do!

YouTube - 背叛 KTV

#lost

Online Personality Test

Tried a DISC and got this generalized result. Not sure if I agree with everything it said though.

https://secure.motivationalliving.com/

Your Personality Style Description:

Eric is an optimistic individual. He is the type of person who loves exploring new places or things and a wide variety of experiences. He tends to display a natural charisma that draws others to his charm. Eric is a very encouraging person; others are drawn to him because they find him inspirational. A very creative person, Eric is often willing to seek out new solutions to problems. He is self motivated and will often work at a fast pace to accomplish his goals. Eric likes new challenges and he is usually able to make decisions easily, even under pressure. Neat and orderly, others usually see Eric as practical. He needs adequate information to make decisions, and he will consider the pros and cons. He may be sensitive to criticism, and will tend to internalize his emotions. Eric likes to clarify expectations before undertaking new projects, and he will follow a logical process to gain successful results. Eric takes a flexible approach in his dealings with others and he is willing to pursue different avenues to maintain good relationships. While he is patient and will not usually rush, Eric is not afraid to actively seek new solutions if previous methods do not fit the current situation.

When a path ends, a new one begins

It's been more than 10 years. 12 to be exact. It is not that I do not treasure friendships, I do. But I guess it is the "more than friend" that is MY problem. It hurts! But I need to do this.

Farewell for now and I do hope that I can get myself into perspective.

I need to create my own path now.

#lost

Rantings

It has been almost a year since the Information Systems position was removed from my headcount. This was after the IS Officer commented that there was "nothing to do", "this place do not need my skill set", "the job can be accomplished by any Administrative Staff". Well, of course the "CEO" who had left believed the IS Officer's statements. Why? I handed to her the base tasks eg. PC/Software asset management, day-to-day operations and setting up of the Computing Disaster Recovery planning and implementation. By the date that the IS Officer left, all were not completed. That was almost a year ago! Then then "CEO" said, there will not be a head count for you. If you need assistance, just sound out. My reply? I will prioritise my work and fill in the gaps as needed.

If I were to sound out and ask for a headcount, it would imply that I cannot work efficiently. But if I don't, I have to take on the added role and workload, prioritise them. This would mean some people would have to wait their turn. Well, there was one "big-shot" that screamed real loud when I told him that.

I just came back from reservist, leave, cny. I found that the internet access for the staff failed due to the proxy server glitch and there was a virus on 3 computers. Priority? Internet access and virus. This "big-shot" demanded he be attended first? What gives him the right to supersede at least 50 persons internet access and prevention of a major virus outbreak? In the end when I checked his computer after the "hoo-ha", I found that there was NOTHING wrong with the PC!

A week later, I get a proposal from my immediate superior. Stating that they intend to hire a "half headcount" to take off some load from me. My answer? Since the day that my headcount was taken from me, I was not involved in the decision making and I had no part in it. Why should I even be consulted at this point? So the decision made by the "CEO" was in error? Or is it because you find that I am inefficient and could not complete my job well?

HR was then called in and we had a meeting together (Immediate superior, HR and myself). Well, I told them. Since the previous IS Officer had commented that there was nothing to do and it was the "fact", why do you want to hire a "half headcount"? In actuality, this headcount is to be shared with the Media Department! What a joke when the Media Department asked for a full headcount!

Anyway, I told HR and my superior, just go ahead and decide. Not my call to make and if you really get someone, good. If not, don't talk about this anymore. It is just too ridiculous.

#office

I Love Singing But .....

In my early years, I was told that I can't sing. I was always out of pitch, tune, rhythm. This would mean "I cannot sing to save my own life!". I remember in Primary school, I auditioned to join the school choir. I was not selected. Hiaz!

But I found out that God has His own plans. Years later, during one of the ministry recruitment excercise, I told God "OK, you want me to join a ministry? Sure". A challenge was made to me. I then thought, "Hey! That was too easy! Maybe I got hoodwinked into joining". So, I decided to make it much more difficult for God. "I am going to take the most direct route to approach the IT/Admin ministry. If I get stopped by the ministry that approaches me, I will join". Oops, I think this time God took the challenge. I am then officially into the choir ministry 6 months later.

3 years forward and some kind of crisis has happened at home. Looking back, I had made lots of GREAT buddies, friends and caring persons that has shown support and care when I faced the crisis at home, work and personal life. But this time, this crisis, seems to have taken it's toll on my objectivity, priority and made me much more cynical than ever before. Looking at the issues that surrounds me, I started questioning, challenging people and events and even demanding standards that may be unrealistic. Not having these questions answered, expectations are not met, it made me even more frustrated and eventually, this cynicism consumes my behaviour.

I had known for a long time that I have a fairly short temper. But most of the time, it is controllable, kept in check by objective views and understanding the context. But this time round, it is out of control. I have become almost to the point of sadism, secretly enjoying the moment of pain and anguish seen on others' face when I drive my points across or making them "look stupid" (As quoted from a different ministry folk).

With this knowledge, how then can I be one personality in my work life and expectations and then be another on stage? How do I reconcile the fact that I do love God and I want to hurt others' at the same time? A dillema indeed.

I have stepped down from Cell Leadership. I have then as of 14th Dec stepped down from singing in church. I did not ask for permission to leave. I simply said that I am leaving. Reason? My priorities. If I expect and demand just practices, I must be able to practice it as well. Am I willing to let go of the cynicism? No. Am I angry? Yes! Why are my questions not answered?

#anger #quitting choir #angry

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