the-not-so-secret-space

a special space to dump my not-so-secret-opinions with a little bit more privacy :p

[ericanmira]

Why Don’t You Let Me In?

He asked me that question yesterday as I kept silent when he asked me why I looked so down. The moment he said it, I felt so guilty. I never want to hide anything from him, but sometimes it is just hard to tell him how i feel. Cause sometimes, it is just me... It is just that I am like this, often let my wild thoughts overwhelming my mind. I am so sorry, my dear. Never do I want to close you out. Never. I just need some time to get my keys and open my door for you. So, would you kindly wait?

[ericanmira]

25th Birthday Question

Yesterday, on my 25th birthday, I asked him a question: M: I'm already old now, do you still love me? S: ....... *stopped eating and stared at me like i'm a weirdo* What kind of question is that? M: Do you? *laughed happily* S: Ask me again 25 years from now. Or maybe 10 years. Or ask me 10, 25, and 50 years from now. *continued eating* M: *laughed happily* Gosh, I really am lucky to have him as my boyfriend. I really wanted to hugged him tightly back then. Too bad, we were in the office.

[ericanmira]

Perfect Boyfriend

Nobody's perfect. We all know it. But once, a co-worker objected it. "Of course there is perfect person. For me, it's my fiancée," he said. Back then i was only amazed on how he viewed that. But now that I'm with my boyfriend, I understand. Nobody's perfect... But there's a certain person who are perfect for you. For me, it's my boyfriend. My perfect boyfriend who is actually imperfect, but still is a perfect person for me :)

[ericanmira]

Insecurity

On our last date yesterday, we finally talked much about our insecurities.

Though I already know sense before that he seems to feel insecure in our relationship, we rarely talk about it. Until yesterday... Both of us had stated that we are going to make it works.  But I often said that I hate trying to hard. And it makes him feel insecure, afraid that I'm not as committed to him as he is to me, afraid that I don't love him as much as he loves me. And it struck me hard.

I love him. Though I didn't start this relationship with deep enough feeling, I knew that it will grow. I got a good hunch about it. And it's starting to get true. I started to love him somewhere in our relationship. Somewhere between his simple loving acts that soothe my heart. But he might be right, I might not love him as much as he loves me. At least for now. And it hurts me much to think about it... Especially when he said it to me.

I once thought that I am incapable of loving. And now, I probably understand why. I am afraid of loving. I am afraid of being hurt from loving someone. I don't know since when I got a conclusion that loving a person might hurt. Probably from all the things that I see, all the things that I read, and all the things that I heard. I remember a quote "Jatuh cintalah pelan-pelan, jangan sekaligus, berat nanti" (fall in love slowly, not all at once, it would be heavy). Also once my father told me that as a girl, I should not give a 100% love to a man before I marry him. Just to make sure that I might not hurt if the relationship has to end. Thus said, I am too prepared to prevent being hurt. I'm trying to play safe all the time.

But I somewhat learn about the other side too. If I don't take a risk of being hurt, I won't get the beauty of love as well. Only when I open my heart and learn to trust, I could get to know my significant other better and learn to love him better. But I know I'm still slow at this...

At least, we learn about each other insecurity that night. And I was glad that he told me about this feeling of his. Hope we can fight these insecurities of us together :)

[ericanmira]

Stealing

I always like it when he randomly steal a hug, or a kiss on cheek, or a kiss on head... Though sometimes he says sorry afterwards, there really is nothing to be sorry about. It is actually lovely when he do that :">

[ericanmira]

About Kissing

On my last date, boyfriend told me that he wanted to kiss my lips. Not his first time saying that. I rejected him saying that I was not ready yet. I thought that we are still in an early stage of relationship and kissing is too soon for now. But is it? I don't know either.

Just after it, Mel suddenly asked about my relationship and if i had had my first kiss. Damn, that silly girl. How could she ask something so private like this so casually? Ah, best friends are always like this :)

But that question made me think...

I suddenly remembered about thing I used to think several years ago, far when I was younger, too young for a relationship. Back then, I thought that I would save my first kiss until wedding. Or at least until engagement. But then, it would be funny if your first kiss is the one at the altar, watched by some people, ugh. Well, maybe "until engagement" sounds better...

But, that was the thought when I was young. Growing older, I might have changed my mind about it. And being in a relationship makes me realize that I want to kiss my partner too. Still, I don't want to rush it. I realized that my younger self's thought had a point too: I want my first kiss to be with a person who I'll end up with. Of course I want my current boyfriend to be a person I'll end up with, but who knows?

And the basic reason for it is probably jealousy. Actually I'm still a little bit jealous that my boyfriend's first kiss had been taken by his previous girlfriend. Damn. I know that it is in the past, but I can't help but to feel a little bit mad about it. Maybe I'm too naive, but sometimes I wish that I could be my partner's first *le sigh*

Based on that jealousy, I'm afraid I might cause the same problem for my future husband if it happens to be man other than my current boyfriend. But also because of that jealousy, sometimes I wish I had an ex-boyfriend who had taken my first kiss so it will be a tie between me and my boyfriend. But nah. I don't want to be haunt by regret of kissing the wrong person :))

Well, back to the topic again, I'm not sure of when should I let my boyfriend kiss me. Another reason is about self control. I guess it is better if I train his self control (as well as mine) by restraining ourselves from kissing. But well... I don't know. I also think that kissing is a form of affection, so it is pretty normal to do it with the loved one. Well, I'm too lazy to think, so I'll just do what I always do: let it be. Que sera sera.

[ericanmira]

Stay at Home Date

It has been two times that we decided to have a date at my house. At first, it was because of cost saving. Our spending is quite high on each date, but we want to see each other so we can't afford no-date option :p

Not to mention I felt so guilty over his two-million-more-expensive-airplane-ticket so I wanted to help him save some money :(

Our first stay-at-home-date was not going really well. Though it is not bad either. On the morning, my allergies suddenly went bad, that we almost cancel it. But lucky me, boyfriend offered to accompany me to doctor instead. Actually, I was a bit uncomfortable with his coming to my house that day at first. I felt ugly with some hives on my body and face, and I was afraid that he would feel disgusted. But then again, I can't be always beautiful. It is just a matter of time for him to see me in worse time. So, I really glad that he came :)

Our second stay-at-home-date is better. From our previous experience, I learned a lot of things, such as: I should have prepared some food for him. So, this time, I prepared things and cooked for him instead. It was actually fun. We saved money for food, I got chance to practice cooking, and we got more quality time together. Hence, we might go with this kind of date again for Valentine's Day :p

Oh. And the best part about this kind of date? We can hug each other A LOT :">

[ericanmira]

This Not-So-Secret-Space

Several days ago, my boyfriend told me that he started writing a journal. And then he asked if i write somewhere. So I told him about my blog and this not-so-secret-space. He asked if he could see it. No. Not yet, I said :))

I don't have anything to hide from my boyfriend. We maintain transparency in our relationship, so we have told each other about our love stories before we met each other. But I still don't want to show him this place. Not that I don't trust him, nor that I want to hide it. I just think that it is not the right time yet. This place holds so many stories about my previous crush. Though I have told him the stories, it might still be uncomfortable for him to read how I felt towards a person I used to love. Because those posts about the ex-crush here are written when I was still in love with that person, while the stories I told him directly are told when I had moved on... You can understand the difference, right?

Of course I want to let him see it someday. Because I want him to know every side of me just like I want to know every side of him too. But probably not today. Maybe later. Please be patient to wait for that day, will you? :)

[ericanmira]

Date, Real Date

On Thursday, I told my boyfriend that I was going to get my father's shoes. He asked if I need company, and I said yes if he wasn't busy.

So we went on a unplanned date that day. When we walked at Tribecca Park, he wanted to ask something but hesitated. I forced him to spit it out, so he grabbed my hand and said that he want to ask for it. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed it that time. Well, not only that time.

On Saturday, we went on a date again. This time a planned one, though not so well planned. We spent most of our time sitting and talking randomly. I started to enjoy his hand on mine more and more. I even leaned on his shoulder and thought that it was perfectly fitted. Gosh, I like him more and more. Is it what you call as love because of proximity?

At night, we ate ramen at Grenville. There, he told me a surprising truth about his lineage, 1/32 or 1/64 not Chinese. I was shocked at first. I felt a bit scared that my father would mind it. But then I realized, it won't matter. If a guy, as good as him, can't be with me because of that little difference, I'll fight for it. Somehow I think he is a man worth fighting for. I hope I'm right :)

[ericanmira]

Boyfriend

A week after the confession of he-who-often-asks-why, we went to Sukabumi. It wasn't a well planned event, so we spent the night randomly. Some of us chose to play board games, and I chose to do nothing.

At first, I sat at the corner of saung, drinking my tea and enjoying the night. But then, people started to sit around me and chatted around. I couldn't enjoy my do-nothing-session anymore. So I moved to sit alone. Only for a while though. Dita joined me immediately.

We talked much that night. We spilled most of our secrets that night. And that night, I might had make a decision to try it out with he-who-often-asks-why. I wasn't ready I knew, but Dita assured me that I have to try it. I wouldn't go anywhere if I do nothing, she said. Pretty much correct, I thought.

The next day, I accompanied he-who-often-asks-why to look for Christmas present. We acted like we were sneaking away from he-who-moves-quickly. He caught us though. We didn't care anymore and kept going.

When we had our lunch, he-who-moves-quickly texted me and asked if we want to meet up with the other. Date crusher, huh? :))

I tried to avoid their offer anyway, saying that I was going to meet my parents, which was not a lie. At that time, I realized, things would get worse if I don't make a firm decision. Thus why when a topic about relationship was brought up again, I asked he-who-often-asks-why if he want to try it out. That's how I got a boyfriend :p

The next day, we were in a very difficult situation where we want to tell he-who-moves-quickly about our relationship but couldn't find a way. I suggest boyfriend to announced it in his green party group that night. He did it. Not long after it, he-who-moves-quickly texted me. He congratulated me and then confessed to me as well. For the sake of his serenity, he said.

I thought our relationship would be awkward from that time. But I was wrong. He-who-moves-quickly was pretty good at this. He really acted as if nothing happened. I really hope he will be fine soon and get a right person for himself.

[ericanmira]

Another Confession

Three days ago, a friend of mine suddenly said something weird. About how difficult it is to hint me. At first, I thought that he realized something between he-who-often-asks-why and me. So I kept bugging him to tell me what it was. He refused.

The next day, I asked him again in the morning. He refused to answer it again. So I gave up. But then, he texted me. To my surprise, he told me a story about a girl he might fell for… And that girl is me. He said that he felt the doubt to say it to me because of our religion difference. But then he was inspired by our friend who became a mualaf and married a moslem girl. He thought he might give it a shot. I told him boldly that expectations will only bring dissappointments. I thought that he would immediately understand that I don’t want him to give it a try. I might be wrong.

The next day he still tried to ask me to go for a dinner together. In the end, I didn’t go. But the way he talked to me indicates that he had not understand yet that my response means “no hope, man, back off!”. Gosh, I hope it will not be a difficult problem in the future.

[ericanmira]

Reflect

I suddenly realized... I might not have the capability to love. Perhaps I can only reflect. If you cast love on me, I might love you back.

[ericanmira]

Should I Stay, Should I Turn Away #7 (Finale)

Reason why I should stay:

I'm still hoping. A little. At least if I get together with him, I won't cause any conflict in my work place and my father will be relieved.

Reason why I should turn away:

Too long, too tired. He never listens, never offers to escort me home, makes me think that watching movie is more important than the time spent with me. I might say that I don't feel loved. And now a great person comes to me, I think that it would be stupid if I keep on waiting for the unknown.

..So I decided to turn away.

[ericanmira]

Escalated Quickly

It wasn’t long after the first dance in Monday… Things escalated quickly…

We went to the waltz class again on Wednesday. This time with he-who-moves-quickly too. The waltz class turned out pretty fun. I danced with both of them, also a junior I rarely talk to, and our all rounder super engineer who is also our instructor. The last dance with super engineer is the best. He was so damn good that even this stupid me could follow his lead easily.

After the dance, he-who-often-asks-why comment on my serious facial expression on the last dance. I was surprised that he noticed it while dancing with another person. Once again I felt observed.

We didn’t went back to work after the waltz class. We talked randomly all night instead. And then we came to talk about our past stories. They talked about their ex girlfriends, I talked about THAT man. I intentionally told them about him, that I recently trying to move on from him. I did it in expectation that they would slow down and understand that I wasn’t ready for a new love yet. Or so I thought. My story were left unfinished because our friends interrupted and it was late enough for me to go home.

The next day, he-who-often-asks-why tried to ask me about the rest of the story. I told him that I might already moved on though I wasn’t sure enough. He seemed somewhat relieved.

On Friday, he was surprisingly aggressive. He offered me some movies I mentioned a day before and also asked me to watch a movie together. I wasn’t sure if he asked for a date, or only casual movie watching together with our group like usual. In the afternoon, he offered me his 3ds console to play with too. Then he accompanied me for about 4 hours. Not to mention that he got really close physically. When we decided to play Avalon, he sat beside me as well. We were getting too close that I was pretty sure he-who-moves-quickly got jealous that day.

On Saturday, he-who-moves-quickly also asked me to watch movie together. Doh. I felt like two-timing playgirl. I rejected and said that weekdays would be better, in hope that we would watch movie in group instead. And so I went to meet he-who-often-asks-why and found out that it really was a date. We watched movie, he accompanied me looking for a dress, and finally ate together. There were some accidents, like he forgot his motorcycle keys and couldn’t finish his dinner. Nervous, he said. And then he suddenly brought a topic about people who have interest in me. I was trying to avoid the topic, but he insisted to go on. And then he confessed. That escalated quickly, i thought. He said that he didn’t have the intention to confess at our first date actually. But since we talked about that topic, there was no turning back. Besides, he felt that he might lose me to he-who-moves-quickly if he didn’t confess as soon as possible.

I was very surprised, not ready for his confession yet. So I said that it was too fast. But I also said that I have an interest in him more than other guys. He then asked me to let him take me home. I agreed.

And those quick sequence of events changed my peaceful world. Now I gotta think clearly and decide wisely.

[ericanmira]

Dance

Today I saw a waltz dance class in my office’s common room. At first, I didn’t want to join them. But then I found myself dancing on the floor with a girl I hadn’t known before. Then with another girl, then with a guy friend of mine, and then we stopped. That was when he-who-often-asks-why also stopped and looked at me, awkwardly asked for a dance. I might reject it if I wanted to, but I didn’t. Though it felt a little bit awkward, I did enjoy our closeness, a short term closeness.

[ericanmira]

Date! <3

Last night. It was not my first date. Not the first one with him too... But still it was an achievement unlocked: watch movie together, only the two of us. It might sound nothing special, but those who know me well will know that I often reject invitations to watch movie with a man. Means, I like him enough that I want to go with him, even when I didn't have much interest in the movie at first.

Both of us are busy that it is difficult to make some time to see each other. We had to rush and got a takeaway for dinner, rush for movie, and rush home. Still, I enjoy it :)

Several days ago was his birthday. He asked me out for a quick coffee time together. Too bad our schedule couldn't be matched. So we arrange for a dinner on Friday, though both of us said that we could not promise to make it. But we made it, yay!

I actually bought him a birthday present. But I didn't give it to him. I don't know. When I was looking for a present, I realize that I don't know much of what he would want for his birthday. He likes books, but I don't know if he already have certain books. He likes travelling and sport, but I don't know what he actually needs and what he really wants. So I just bought a general present, a mug. But then I didn't give it too him anyway since I thought that the present was lacked of thought. Hufft.

Ah well, a good time together is good enough. I'm sure he didn't expect anything for a present anyway. And I was happy enough to see so much laugh on his face, to accidentally touch each other, and to hear him offer his drink to me. An offer that I wanted to accept, but too bad his drink was soda :p

Hope I'll have more dates with him like this coming in the future :D

[ericanmira]

Should I Stay, Should I Turn Away #6

Reason why I should turn away:

It has been too long. More than 2 years, no significant development. And I am slightly swayed for other person. Someone closer... While you are not here around me.

Reason why I should stay:

No matter how I find other people as attractive, they never give me the same feelings like I find in you. A feeling that you make me a better person than before. A feeling that I think as an important thing to look in a significant other. Though I enjoy being cared by other people, they are like my playground, while you are my home. No matter how fun the playground is, I will always come back home.