27, July 2017. Thursday. 8:38 pm.
Today I got picked as one of the people to represent for the Ibalong Dance Competition.
For a moment, I felt really honored.
I felt like I mattered. It felt very overwhelming that most of the teachers did agree about picking me and letting me join in. It was one of the moments I was surely treasure it was the least I’m expecting to happen. That at some point in life people will recognize me for my passion and my strengths.
But then. Of course. Life has to be bullshit.
All of us who got picked weren’t informed about the event we’re joining in since it’s supposed to be announced to us upon the meeting in the lab. But we weren’t entirely clueless. We were hearing bits of information but we’re still not sure if it’s really legit. We still don’t know who and what to believe so we waited till the meeting happen.
But I was positive that it’s one of the things I’ve thought of. My instincts were telling me it was about what i love doing. It was about representing the school.
If I was a normal person, I would be grateful for it and I wouldn’t even think twice about joining but I’m not.
Talking about my physical attributes, I’m sure as hell not normal.
I’m a girl with skin disease. Skin asthma. I’ve been living this ever since I got here on Earth. It has pretty much been with me from the very beginning of my existence and still hasn’t left.
It’s like I’m living with a big scar I’ll deal with for the rest of my life. And it is the indeed the very reason why I’m hesitating.
Why I didn’t join...even if I want to.
It was the only thing that’s stopping me. When we were gathered for a meeting and was told that they will do a screening on Saturday and will surely get those with flawless skin, that was my cue. That was my cue to exit because I know it’s not for me.
With all my heart, I really wanted it. I wanted to become part of them. But it’s not really meant for me. They told me I should give it a try but then for what? So they can slap me with the truth that I won’t be accepted because of it? To humiliate myself?
So even if I never wanted it, even if I never wanted to leave...I had no choice.
I left with a heavy heart. It felt like I was walking away from someone I love. It felt like I was being shot when I had to walk away.
I was at the verge of crying when I went out but then I stood firm. It was like I have to act like it didn’t affect me but deep inside, it did. It did and it fucking hurts. It was way worse than a heartbreak. It was the hardest thing in my life I ever had to do. It was one of the things that made me feel so weak and worthless. It made me feel so little.
When I walked away from that room, it was like half of my existence was taken away from me. That was my passion. I was walking away from my passion. I had to walk away from my passion.
All because of these scars. Of this fucking skin disease. It was never meant for me. I know that for sure. But I didn’t know it was possible to hurt me this much.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was to walk away from something I always wanted to do and I love doing.
And it’s not because I’m being a coward or I’m just too scared.
It’s because I know it’s not meant for me. I don’t belong there even if a part of tells me that I do.
To those who doesn’t feel like joining just because they think they lack talent or skills, don’t take it as a reason not to grab the opportunity. Because all of those people that was chosen doesn’t have any burden like me. You should be grateful. Anyone would fight for the position you have right now.
I once had the opportunity but It’s not meant for me so I had to let go of it.
Go grab it, pips. That would be an experience.
Take it while it’s there.
