this has been sitting in my asks since December 16, 2015. i finally decided to figure out why today. and, well. anon was right.
i think they were responding to this post.
(if you know me or my partner irl, you probably know a version of this story but please pretend you never read this absolute diary entry of a post lol.)
i was not having a good time. i was 22 and depressed to the point i was never not exhausted, nodding off behind the wheel daily. i'd failed to get my degree while all my friends had just graduated. i had a dead end job as a CVS cashier. i thought i was about to walk away from my best friend in the whole world and the person i had longed for my entire young life (since i was 14!) because i felt trapped in the bad relationship i was already in. i felt like i couldn't - didn't deserve to - leave that person for her because it would make all sorts of bad things about me true. it would mean i was disloyal, a cheater, that i really had been having an emotional affair this whole time, that i couldn't be in a relationship without looking for attention somewhere else.
i knew i was fucking up. i'd signed a lease with my ex that august, for an apartment 2 miles from the beach in my home state, in a place i'd always dreamed of living. but when i got the key and it was time to celebrate, it was my best friend who came to see the place and toast the empty apartment by heading to the beach we'd spent countless days at in high school with a bottle of cheap wine each. she was the person i really wanted to celebrate with.
so i was spiraling a bit in december 2015. right after new years, after another month of agony, i ripped the band-aid off. it was an awful night. my ex didn't drink. she got drunk, screamed, cried, threatened self-harm, threw a fucking promise ring i'd never wanted at me. i was already broke, and when she (understandably) moved home, i got left with the full rent. my electricity and internet got turned off. she'd ruined my credit opening a card i'd never given her permission to. my parents could have helped - would have in an instant - but they were having their own money problems. i didn't want to tell them. i was shoplifting frozen burritos from the supermarket and living off the Taco Bell dollar menu. it was better than staying in that bad relationship.
and the girl i loved, loved me back. while my ex had called me a fixer-upper and a loser and all sorts of shit that wasn't true but felt like it was, this girl (my best friend!) came to my dark and dirty and sad apartment on her days off from her real, salaried job and beautiful little studio in the city while i was at work, just to be there when i got home. i got back from a shift at CVS to a clean house, a fridge full of groceries, a new candle burning in the kitchen, and a pot of Annie's mac and cheese with roasted brussels sprouts (try it, it slaps) on the stove. and my favorite person on earth, happy to see me.
she helped me get my first job at an art gallery. if you know me, you know the ensuing career has become the second most important thing in my life.
we said valentine's day was dumb, but she bought me a dozen roses and i got her a pink stuffed dinosaur with a heart on its cheek. we made it official that march, but we'd hardly gone a day without seeing each other in months.
ten valentine's days later, we still say it's dumb, but she texted me yesterday letting me know we have a dinner reservation saturday. we'll meet at home after work, at our house 2.5 miles from the beach, and get ready together before we go out. i can't wait.
tbh, it's possible that she sent this ask. if so, she was probably totally fucking fed up with me. we'd been vague-blogging at each other since we were like 17. everything about my life is better because she's in it, and i love her so fucking much. i'm so lucky the timing worked out when it did, and that even when i was in the darkest place of my life, i was able to do one big thing for myself. tbh i can only hope i'm even half as good for her as she is for me.
she deleted her tumblr years ago, but i don't know if she's still in the habit of checking mine regularly. if so, hi babe, sorry this is so cringe. i'm obsessed with you. <3