OK OK TYSM
Look I dont know what to do. I have gender dysmorphia ever since my great presence graced this earth. Im afab, but I used to identify as genderfluid a few years back (I only came out to ONE FRIEND.) She was so wonderful that she spread the word for me! In an incredibly transphobic country! So kind of her! 🥹🥹🥹🤗🤗🤗/evil sarcasm
So afterwards I just reverted back to she/her. But I cant deny the amount of joy I used to get/ get when I used to get mistaken as a guy back when i had a really shitty boycut/ get misgendered in online spaces. But idk about he/him pronouns... being called that (like concretely) triggers me sm due to my past events, and plus i dont even look like a boy without baggy clothes. But also! Ive been struggling with embracing my fem side (because said country is also mysogynistic and it just made me feel like i couldnt be fem because im 'ugly') Ofc- I dont think like that rn, but embracing my fem side goes... not well with the masc side, if you get what i mean. Idk man I dont want my identitiy to be fluid, but I also dont wanna go by they/them. What do I do 😭
-MT (sorry for ranting...)
Know that I relate to you unfortunately on an extremely spiritual level because wtf is up with people taking advantage of queer people's coming out for gossip gain?
Fuck that stupid bitch UGHHHHHHHHHH ITS ALWAYS THE FRIENDS YOU HELD SO DEAR TOO??
Okay! So, I understand, cause I myself am born in an extremely shitty / prejudiced country and region, to the extent I could actually go to jail or worse for being trans or gay.
So, cause of the fact I'm going to college soon, my family, especially the women in my family, have been strictly enforcing this "dress more fem" rule on me, where I'm expected to wear a very specific pieces of clothing with cultural and religious importance. Only women can wear it. And its fucking humiliating. Like, IRL, I look extremely feminine, to the point it's frustrating. My hair is long, and I'm a lot smaller than most, so I can't even appear masculine without major alterations that I cant do at this very moment. So, in order to affirm myself, i mostly use a lot of baggy clothing to draw away attention from my chest, or I wear more sporty attire, like sneakers or band t-shirts. It's a bonus if it's a band that my family likes, since I can get away with wearing it, or I use the excuse of claiming "it's for sleeping" but wear it normally. Its not much, and theres little I can really do to myself physically, but so long as I can take away attention from the more 'feminine' physical attributes, I'm comforted by that.
Now, when it came to pronouns for me, I struggled a lot when it came to such. When I was 13 I used to identify as nonbinary, so I used they/them. Eventually, I grew uncomfortable by the lack of masculinity they provided me and used, and still use, he/him. I only tolerate she/her IRL because if i don't i will literally be sent to the slammer😭 now, your situation feels a little more complex, so I'm sorry If I can't give you much of a response!! But, I used to experiment with multiple pronouns, like asking people to refer to me as they AND he, so I didn't feel less masculine. But!! Something else I do a lot is just refer to myself in first person!! Or, I generalize myself!! So, instead of having to say "your poor daughter" I'd just say "your poor child!!" Or even add some dramatic flare "your poor brethren!!" Since I notice people seem a lot less suspicious if you present yourself flamboyantly or dramatically, and they'll just take it as "oh!! They're eccentric just like that :)" so it takes away from the curiosity of me not referring to myself as a specific gender.
and i totally get the whole fem / masc thing!!
Like, i feel extremely guilty for constantly drawing mysona as overly feminine, or constantly being interested in aesthetics that are extremely feminine focused, like kawaiicore or gyaru fashion, when it feels like I'm contradicting everything it means to be a trans-man, which is masculinity. But!! Know that it's very okay to feel that way!! To be honest, I myself still struggle extremely when it comes to my interests, because it just feels like if I fall into a certain feminine aesthetic too much, then I'm simply rejecting transness and conceding in being a woman—but you shouldn't think that way!! Sometimes we just like certain styles because they appeal to us in certain ways!! Something extremely dumb I always do to kind of swat away that kind of thinking is remembering that styles do not determine gender, and I like thinking of my favorite male characters dressing in kawaii core themselves!! You shouldn't be ashamed if styles clash, cause I have like 5 million styles I really like that are constantly clashing, but you can always take elements of certain feminine and masculine styles to feel more comfortable :33!!
Im so sorry if any of my replies aren't really the kind you're looking for, but I feel like you should experiment with your style, see what works and doesn't!! When it comes to pronouns, you can ask people to refer to you as either multiple pronouns to see what makes you feel more comfortable or simply by your name!! I don't think doing so makes you strictly fluid or nonbinary, and it's okay to be gender questioning or still be CIS or trans!! I've met a lot of CIS people who use pronouns that refer to their opposite assigned gender at birth!!
The important part is, you should reach a conclusion that makes you feel comfortable and happy with yourself!! You shouldn't force yourself to adhere to a specific style or norm that doesn't make you who you are or what you identify as!!
I really, really, really Hoped this helped and IM SO SO SO SO SORRY in advance if this isn't what you were looking for <33333 !!
