Healing Darker Thoughts

Just a normal vent blog that I'm using as a silent coping mechanism instead of talking to people about my issues. Check out the circle to the right before following.

[luffysfakebeard]

well I’d like to see you look better after having your balls stolen Tatsu

[erumpo-demissio]

i feel like im no one when i don't have a hyperfixation

i feel empty and bored when theres nothing for me to focus on and i cant stop lying in bed, zoning out to nothing

i think of my stories, whati could be writing but i never do it

i wish i wasnt like this, i wish i wasn't so easy to distract but i wish that when i was when i need it the most

i hate wheni get like this

im so tired

[erumpo-demissio]

She didn’t have a poopy diaper, I told you she wasn’t down yet. You can’t even consider she had her shit after I put her down for the nap and you’re fucking saying I put her down with a poopy diaper and wouldn’t bother to change her and that shit really hurts and it pisses me off.

I changed her diaper so many times, I’m really careful to do it often, I go upstairs to change her all the time. Why the fuck wouldn’t I check her diaper before I put her down. It was clean, it was dry and fuck you. I’m taking care of your child and you don’t even appreciate what I do.

[delta-tales]

*Movie Night is your favorite way to spend time with your siblings. 

[erumpo-demissio]

me: i was in the middle of feeding her when you came home and sent her to bed j: if i sent her to bed hungry, its your fault me: i was in the middle of feeding her! j: you should feel guilty

[erumpo-demissio]

Why My Siblings Don’t Want to Visit You. (By your youngest daughter)

Dear Mom and Dad,

Over the many years you have raised us under your roof, you use to teach us to be kind to everyone and all, say our please and thank you, be kind to others, you might want to put your foot where your mouth is.

After the Presidential Election, you both have become the most vile human beings I’ve ever met. You’re racist, homophobic, everything under the sun that’s just so full of hatred that most of us can’t stand it.

My oldest sister doesn’t want you around because you’ve become so ugly with your hatred, your intense and overbearing desire to keep us ‘pureblooded’ and white and all. We’re not pureblooded, we just happen to be white. You’ve sealed yourself in your echo chambers of hatred and decay and screamed at her whenever she opened the door to tell you that the voices lie and call us  all snowflakes when you hurt her feelings and she calls you out on it and cry about it when she tells you off. And now you sob and weep because she doesn’t want you to be a part of her family.

My second oldest sister feels like she can’t debate with either of you. You rein your age above her head like a whip you’ll beat her with despite her being the person in our family to have the most education, more than both of you. You become so ‘passionate’ about your ‘debates’ that it’s exhausting talking it out. You don’t trust her and it hurts her. You think she’s full of shit, despite her taking years to study the subjects she talks about. You dismiss her words, call her an idiot and cry when she stops calling you.

My brother tries his best to stay around but he hates the political discussions. He feels like you don’t care truly about his step daughter, like because she’s not yet adopted, her mother not yet married to him, you don’t care about either of them. You don’t care your hurting your future daughter in law’s feelings, she’s not your daughter in law. He wants to be more involved but you live so far away and the discussions aren’t worth it.

And I, your youngest daughter feel like you’d rather I’d be dead. I feel like you want me to kill myself because you hate ‘the gays’ so much. I’m a pansexual woman, I love men, women of all kinds. I’ve dated trans-men, the very people you despise and they were both the most wonderful, loving men I’ve ever met. More than either of you. It doesn’t matter to me what someone’s religion is, their heredity, their gender or anything else that matters to most. It matters to me what kind of person they are and you both don’t care about that. You think I’ll be an STD ridden abomination that I’ll hopefully off myself by the time I’m 30 because I’m so disgusted with myself.

You’re so revolted by the LGBTA+ community that you don’t see the one sitting in your home, terrified of you, terrified that you’ll find out, terrified you’ll kill me or send me over the edge. My stress headaches are caused by listening to how hateful you’ve both become.

You hate your own existence so much, you hate yourselves and you hate your marriage. You both need therapy and re-evaluate your relationship with God because I may be agnostic but I know the God you told me about wouldn’t like you two with how disgustingly hateful you’ve become. 

We don’t want to visit you. Not because we don’t love you. We love you so much. Not because our political don’t match. It doesn’t matter. 

It’s because you’ve become so ugly in your hatefulness. You’ve become toxic. You’re a septic tank of hatred, stewing in your filth and anger and trying to drag us all down with you.

Pure bloods? We’re mutts and our country was supposed to be a melting pot. You preach about how things were going to go well with the other races and classes back in your day while the blood you stepped in is still stained to your shoes and your blinders are falling apart on you. 

You worry about us dropping you off in a nursing home that we’ll never visit. Maybe if you made yourselves pleasant again, we’d want you around our kids.

You’re hypocrites, liars, you don’t take rejection at all and being told you’re wrong means we’re wrong. Just because you’re older. Just because you ‘lived through it’?

Please. Get out of the house and go into the real world. 

There’s enough hate in the world. You don’t need to add to it.

Sincerely, Your Youngest Daughter.

P.S. I can’t wait to get out of your house.

[howlsnteeth]

[xno-chill-memesx]

[erumpo-demissio]

For the past several weeks, ive been thinking about killing myself. I’m doing nothing with my life, I’m not anything special and I haven’t been feeling great for months now. I just feel like I’ve wasted my life.

I’ve been doing nothing productive and I have no motivation to do anything productive. I don’t have any self-control when it comes to my hobbies, I’ve just been wasting my life. I hate my self entirely and I’ve started hurting myself again just to fucking feel anything. I haven’t hurt myself since middle school.

But I don’t think I’ll do it for a while. My sister’s having her baby soon, she’s gone into labor recently and I don’t want that baby to deal with the knowledge that her aunt killed herself shortly after or while she was being born. 

I don’t talk to my friends about this, they have shit to deal with on their own and I don’t talk about this kind of thing with my parents. They hate people like me, they’ve made that clear. I just want to feel something more.

I don’t really talk to my friends much but we did talk last night, watched some shows together and that was nice. Helped me out some, mentally speaking. Maybe lll ask them to call me, to talk more and let me just listen and laugh.

I need to get over myself.

[erumpo-demissio]

I want to join a group call with my friends on discord to just listen to them talk while I draw but I’m like real close to crying for no reason because emotions over nothing and I fucking hate myself

I don’t want to be the weird bitch that cries in a fun group call but idk if I can hold it back

I feel horrible, I feel sick and sad and I want to talk to my friends but I feel like they see me as a joke or something sometimes and I know I’m fucking overreacting and overthinking it and I know they love me but I’m sad and emotional and fuck I just want a hug because today has been really shitty for me

Fuck I haven’t had a depression episode this hard since high school what the fuck is wrong with me

I’m actually crying god damn it this is the second time today

[erumpo-demissio]

Reason No. 19864829103 of why I will never ever have a scat or piss kink.

I have taken care of my elderly grandparents, one who has recently knocked over a jug of piss onto his bedroom carpet while falling down and busting open old wounds on his arms and getting not only piss splattered all over the carpet and in the hallway and door to his room but also blood all over his clothes, the carpet and his bed sheets.

You have not felt true disgust until you’ve stepped into pools of warm, reeking piss mixed with blood that you know came out of your grandfathers body, the same man who you use to sit on the lap of when you were a child and play silly games with.

You have not almost thrown up as the smell reached your nose and you realized with disgust that not only are your favorite pajama bottoms soaked with piss, but also your feet after you’ve already had a shower.

I love my grandfather but the mans stubbornness on not taking the proper medication to make sure he doesn’t fucking fall all the time will end up killing him and it will crush me, knowing the man that I believed was the wisest man I’ve ever met was this foolish as to not take a fucking vitamin.

You may be wondering why the scat kink won’t be a thing either. My grandmother when she was alive, bless her, had to have a portable toliet in her bedroom, because the toliet was too far for her to get to. She had an incident one night and my mother and I came down to help her. She had fallen out of bed while trying to get to the toliet. My mother helped her up and just as I was leaving, my grandmother takes off her undergarments and sits on the lid of the toliet, with the entire lid down and has the worst case of diarrhea I have ever heard of and my mother just screams “STOP SHITTING!!” But the damage was done. Since then, anything and I mean anything resembling the scent of piss and or shit will trigger my gag reflex.

And then I remember that my parents are getting older and I’m the youngest person in a sibling group of four, and I’m still living with them. It haunts me that I will have to take care of them someday, after spending my entire life taking care of my grandmother and then now having to take care of my grandfather shortly after she passed.

I love my family. But I’m not qualified for this life. I didn’t want this.

[erumpo-demissio]

Ya know my moms kinda crazy but I love her to bits but like

Just listening her worry about white people becoming ‘the minority’ and agree with my uncle about being okay with gay people but ‘not believing it was right’ and agreeing with my uncle about me having kids when I’ve stated mutliple times that I don’t want kids, and if I do decide to want kids in the future, I’ll adopt.

It’s just disheartening, ya know? To know your moms a homophobic and racist person. Idk what I expected but like... the fact that I’m kinda pansexual and she’s saying this stuff... it hurts.

I haven’t told her but like, idk. Like as a parent, she shouldn’t say stuff like that to begin with. Because even if I do tell her, and she changes her tune, I’ll still remember her agreeing with my uncle that it’s not right.

I need to get out of this house

[autumnsunshine10]

“What do you do when someone you’ve known most of your life and you have them in your blood, becomes someone you don’t know? When you aren’t even sure what to say to them anymore? And you worry it will never be the same. You can’t be sure they even care to know you as well as before. All you can do is concentrate on those who make it clear they care to know you. And pray to God that you and the other will someday come to know one another once again.”

— Autumn Ray

[lnternalorgans]

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

via @extramadness

[erumpo-demissio]

do you ever think about how the world will just keep spinning if you just blip out of existence?

and you’re saying that people will be sad, and they will be sad about you disappearing. of course they’ll be sad but they’ll get over it. they’ll move on and youd want them to move on from you.

but the sun will rise with or without you there. the earth spins for no one but itself.

media plants it in your head that you matter, that you being there matters, that you living in this world matters.

but the reality is that you don’t. you don’t truly matter. your presence being gone won’t change the world, your disappearance won’t make the world fall apart, your name won’t even go on into the history books to be remember and your gravestone will erode away with enough time, just like any other gravestone.

you don’t matter.

And that’s really scary to think about.

[healerorkiller]

No one wants to be lonely. Sometimes we need some time alone but it’s different.