Confessions of an Escaping Freak

Just a lost someone trying to escape reality;

[escapingfreak]

I haven't been okay.

I stopped writing, kinda forgot. Even if no one reads my stupid life complaints, it kinda helped me. I've just been feeling helpless for some months now, but I have found many more reasons to escape to add to my series. I have been writing a thesis about a non-important topic I don't give an F about... and have worked with a non-team.

Complaints are coming back... sorry, I have many.

[escapingfreak]

Hi,

I need to write again.

Emotions are piling up.

[escapingfreak]

She is extremely abusive

I cannot stop crying. She is extremely abusive. She ignores me when I tell her how I feel and what I've been going through. She doesn't remember that she felt the exact same way a few months ago. The difference is that I was not abusive towards her. She sees that I'm broken and she attempts to completely break me. I don't know why she does it. Even if I tell her I want to stop living... she says I should do it. I don't know how to cope with her...

[escapingfreak]

I see my future crumbling in front of me. And I caused it. Can antidepressants be addictive?

[escapingfreak]

Pretty privilege is real.

[escapingfreak]

True crime stories

I have been watching too many true crime documentaries, videos, and series. I think it is because I'm trying to convince myself that my life is not that bad. That nothing "that" bad has happened to me. However, I cannot get out of this feeling of deep sadness and loneliness. I start to shiver every time my boss talks to me. I want to do my job as fast as possible, but I just can't. I hate it so much.

[escapingfreak]

Reasons I'm Escaping #14

I don't really have anything holding me here. Sure, my parents... but they love me better from afar.

[escapingfreak]

I just hung up with her. It made me want to die even more. I hate my life. I hate myself.

[escapingfreak]

Your only victory

You only repeat your only victory because that's the only one that you have.

[escapingfreak]

I don't know how to express this

When I'm alone, I feel as if I'm choking with pain. As if I have a scream that cannot get out. When I'm with people, I don't want to seem like I'm fine... I feel completely alone... but, involuntarily, I pretend that nothing is up.

This graduate degree where I'm not valued at all is eating me alive. I know I don't belong here. I feel that there is something pulling me the to do "the best that I can" because I need the recommendation letter for later. But there's this other side that tells me to stay at home all day and cry my eyes out.

I feel lost. I feel I'm never going to be able to leave this hole. The bad thing is that I believe in my potential, but international universities do not seem to believe that. I don't know what I'll do.

I have to seem normal, like I like where I am. I don't even want to go out of my apartment. It takes a lot of effort for me to get out of bed. I don't know how long this will last. I need to save myself before ths eats me up.

[sleepy-bebby]

Baby Clifford & baby Snoopy

[escapingfreak]

I need to find new friends. I feel so alone.

[escapingfreak]

I am so unproductive

I have been trying to clean my apartment and read this stupid paper for my lab's activity all day... and I just can't.

I literally did not do anything, it takes me so long to focus.

[escapingfreak]

What I do also has value

She said "you only want to be recognized."

"You need others to cheer for you, so that you know you're good."

I don't feel it is that way, I feel that if you're going to shout out the "more than a team, we are a family" bullshit, all members should be recognized equally.

Why are being such an european bitch?

[escapingfreak]

She got pregnant to secure the money.

[escapingfreak]

Home is still on fire

Why is she angry with me all the time? She hasn't seen me in months, yet she doesn't doubt to yell at me. I wish I wasn't such a heavy load to them. I feel like that girl from Pride and Prejudice, only fatter and uglier. I wonder if I will ever feel satisfied with my life. Will she ever support me?

[escapingfreak]

I get depressed on LinkedIn

Some of my life endeavors got me to meet people from all around the world. So I did what most "friendly" people do, friend them on LinkedIn and other social media. Now, everytime I enter to see job opportunities I feel so depressed because they have great jobs at prestigious places and I'm still here in this shitty country. I get paid a misery... and sometimes I even think that my friends make fun of me. Like "weren't you intelligent enough to get away from your country"?

I literally don't want to do anything else than have a good life quality and a job in science that I studied so hard for, and that now I have to withstand rudeness. Yeah, because my "job" (that was a scholarship, but now is managed as a job) tells me that I will have fewer benefits than other students.

You might see me here more often... bitching and complaining, but I don't care. This is my only safe space. Also, I am part of an international team now, just for a conference let's say. And I can see how they think differently because they have been provided with all these tools at their high-paying jobs. I am so depressed, that I cannot even reach the same level of productivity. I will look at all my options, for now I've got to pull late nights to figure out how to present this and not being considered stupid.