I’d like a new car, please.
Certainly. That will be your life savings, please.
Your new car. You give me your life savings, I give you a car. It’s a very nice car, best available.
Oh, it’s here. We keep them out the back. You’ll love it.
Certainly, right after you buy it.
But… is it new? Is it even safe?
Well, it is one of the oldest models on the road, but we have swapped a couple of the parts, and we’ve painted over the really dodgy parts, but it’s really good. Come on, just your life savings.
Can you even tell me the colour?
Well, we like to sell it as being “white”, but some people say it should be brown.
But… £21,000 for a car you won’t even show me? Can you prove the car is even real? There’s not much space back there to store one.
Absolutely real. You’ll definitely own a car after you give us your life savings.
But what if I change my mind? Can I get my money back?
Oh, no sir. No returns possible.
But what if it doesn’t work? Can I sue?
Oh, no sir, but you can complain about it. We’d hand your case over to the apologies department.
They will accept your apology for not liking the car, and offer easy terms for you to compensate us.
Oh, yes sir – by buying the car, you automatically sign up to being 100% satisfied with the car, and you are not allowed to be unhappy about the car. It’s against both the Terms and Conditions of Sale and the Terms and Conditions of No Sale.
Terms and Conditions of No Sale??
Oh, yes, sir – we consider you to be bound by our terms and conditions, even if you do not buy the car. In fact, the simple fact that we tell you the car exists has, we believe, bound you by all the terms and conditions that would apply if you did buy the car.
What happens if I don’t apologise for not liking the car I haven’t seen and haven’t bought?
Then we hand you over to the Consequences Team.
Nothing pleasant, sir. It’s quite a long and involved procedure, but the final penalty will depend upon exactly which of our Terms and Conditions you broke, which of our salesmen caught you breaking it, and what version of the T&C he happened to have signed up to when he bought his car.
So all your salesmen drive this car?
Oh, yes, sir. It would be silly of us to sell you something we did not drive ourselves! We all drive the very best and most perfect cars available – look (points out at the roadside parking).
They’re all different, and none of them seem to be in good condition. Some of them are missing wheels!
Oh, no, sir, you’re wrong about that. All our salesmen drive exactly the same model, and their cars are all in perfect condition.
I can see them with my own eyes. That one has got blood all over the front grill!
Oh, no, sir, that was not the salesman’s fault – you will find that all road deaths are caused by pedestrians, viciously attacking poor innocent salesmen, alone in their cars. That’s why we’re trying to sell you this car – if you buy it, you will be safe and secure forever. That’s a guarantee carved in stone, sir.
What about fuel? How does it work?
In mysterious ways, sir. Screw up your eyes real tight sir, and wish hard, and the car will run for the rest of your life.
What happens when I run out of fuel?
Oh, that’s your fault, sir. When the car starts, that shows that we provide a perfect service, and have sold you the best car ever. If nothing happens when you turn the key, or it crashes at speed, that’s clearly your fault for not wishing hard enough, or not reading the manual properly. Part of the T&C.
Can I at least see the manual?
Certainly, sir, here you go. We have plenty – you can keep it, show it to your family.
But… this is a box full of random words written on scraps of paper. Some of them aren’t even in English! And why is the punctuation in a separate box?
Oh, no, sir, it’s perfectly clear, you just have to visit the showroom once a week to find out what it says. One of our salesmen will stand at the front of the workshop and tell you what the manual says today, while one of our mechanics pretends to maintain the car (that’s why we call the visit a “service”). Oh, and the service will cost you 10% of your wages.
What? But I’ll have already paid for the car with my life savings!
That’s not a problem, sir. If there’s a short-fall, you can take it up with the Apologies department.
So, let’s get this right; you want me to spend my life savings on a car you won’t show me, and can’t prove is even in the workshop. If I buy the car, I’m not allowed to complain about it, and if the car hurts me, or anybody around me, it’s my fault for not understanding the manual properly, even though nobody can agree what the manual says week on week. And if I don’t buy the car, I’m still breaking your T&C because you believe the car is so good that I should be grateful to own one, which means you still want to punish me for not not liking a car I don’t own and never wanted to own?
Yes sir, that’s right, sir. We can take cash or cheque, sir.
No, thank you, I’ll give it a miss. I’ll find my own way from place to place.
Your own way? What are you? A CYCLIST??
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