Its been a while since i wrote so hello.
My mind is empty right now. Or is it actually? Maybe its spiralling with thoughts but i cant seem to figure them out. They're spiralling so hard to the point where my head actually hurts. Its tiring me. Maybe Im just tired from thinking the possibilities of what could've happened if i weren't too selfish.
But am I actually selfish for wanting to protect myself? To protect my feelings from getting hurt? Maybe I am because, along the way, I ended up hurting someone else that didn't deserve to get hurt at all.
No, i did not plan on hurting him. That would be cruel of me. I love him and he has shown me what love actually feels like. Its such a soft and accepting feeling.
The love he gave me, was not at all hard love. It was soft as mentioned and perhaps because of how I wasn't used to it, I just crumbled and didn't knew how to act and perceive that type of love.
I was always setting my guard high up to where nobody could even go through it but somehow this person managed to get through it and learned every bit of me within a short period of time. My manners, habits, likes and dislikes. Every inch of me, my mind and my body. But,
I never took the chance and time to learn things about him. Every nook of his mind, every inch of his body and language. I wish I did but I guess its long gone now. Its too late because I've lost him. I wish when he told me to ask him questions while we were laying in bed before going to sleep, i would have given him questions. But no, i didn't. i just kept myself in that bubble because i was avoiding shit.
But one thing i do hope is that he knows, I will always be there for him. For when he thinks I don't care about the stuff he's talking about, I do. Even when its not in my field of interests but I do. Because I love seeing his face light up from talking about the things that excite him.
He is the first person that i could possibly write a book about if I could.
Maybe im wrong, maybe i do know him but I just never show that I do because I'm always stuck in that spiralled head of mine worrying about things or problems that don't even exist to begin with.
I do hope things could go back to the way it used to be but it would be just as hopeful for me to wish that it could happen.
My head hurts more now, maybe i should stop and rest but it was fun catching up with you. I never knew I had a lot to get out of my mind.
That's it maybe my one problem is. I'm too scared to speak of things that troubles my mind because I'm worried that I might get judged for it. But knowing him, he would never judge the way my mind works, would he? I guess ill never know because I'm too scared.
