No longer did the Illud, they finally told her what they called themselves, have to keep Esmeralda chained down to her chair. After they showed her how powerless that she was, she went silent and slumped into the chair in the center of the room. No matter how many questions they asked her, no matter how much they tried to manipulate her, and no matter how many fingers they broke Esmeralda kept quiet other than screaming in pain. She didn’t ask any more questions; she didn’t try to understand them. Their intent had been made clear, and she wasn’t going to give them any more power over her.
She tried to think about anything that wasn’t Belle Terre. Most of her thoughts focused on her childhood, because she knew there was nothing that they could get from that. In an effort to subvert their power, she tried to use the technique she learned in therapy where she thought about every single detail of a moment in time. It was originally taught to her to help her anxiety, but she believed that the long time it took her to create the full image might annoy the beings enough to ignore or possibly even leave her alone.
Her favorite safe image to think over was her old tree house in the forests of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The faulty windows she stole from a glass maker’s trash reflected light strangely over the red cedar boards she was able to convince a man to make out of trees in her backyard which was paid with by money she earned working with horses. The rug was handmade out of non-slip matting she bought from a local store and cotton string she got from the horse lady she worked for. It took her days to finish that tedious project of tying the string through each hole in the mat. The little bed she had in the corner was made out of extra blankets from her grandmother and stuffing from her stuffed animals. Every book had either been given to her by relatives or teachers or stolen from the library that seemed to turn a blind eye to her bad habit. The posters on her wall had been science projects that she had done. It was her personal little world far away from the yelling and drinking back at home.
She didn’t remember how long ago they left her alone, but she enjoyed her little slice of safety that she hid in away from reality. It was just like when she was six. There was no one in the world that mattered but her. She allowed herself to sink into the scent of sunlight through oak leaves, dried lavender, and the invasive honeysuckle that she couldn’t seem to be capable of riding her property of. She bathed in the warmth of sunlight peaking through the cracks of the boards in her tree house. She listened to the song of the Goldfinches, Cardinals, and the state Brown Thrashers. She became aware of how dry her mouth was as she remembered the stream water so fresh no water ever tasted quite that good again. She hid away bottles of the stream water in her tree house in case her father was home too long.
Her body ached, but that didn’t seem out of place in her tree house. It used to frequently feel like that for one reason or either. Either she was recovering from her father or bullies, carrying or helping her mother, or from a crick in her neck from sleeping on the strangely shaped bed in the tree house. She didn’t mind pain after a while. It almost felt like a constant for her for a long time. Almost as if it always belonged there, and when it wasn’t there she became suspicious.
With her head laid against the back of the chair, Esmeralda groaned as her hips began to ache from being in the same position for too long. She didn’t want to open her eyes and look into the darkness. She didn’t want to face the strange blue faces of the Illud. She didn’t want to face questions that would inevitably lead to more pain, but she knew she didn’t have much of a choice.
She sat up and rolled her shoulders for a moment before opening her eyes. But as she did she jumped back so roughly that she and her chair tumbled backwards causing her head to hit the floor with a loud thud.
“No, no, no.” Esmeralda repeated as she rolled on the floor away from what was sitting on the chair.
“Yes, my little one.” Had his teeth been that sharp when she was a child? Did his lips disappear like that? “Are you not pleased to see me again? Your father?”
“No! If you guys knew anything about me, you’d know I hated him! I’m not going to tell him anything!” Esmeralda yelled into the darkness hoping the Illud heard her as she began to stand up.
She didn’t remember him being that tall. Had she shrank him in her mind? She hated how, as he stood, his piercing blue eyes steadily seemed to bore through her- how it felt like he could see deep into her chest. “You hate me baby girl? What a hurtful thing to say. Come give daddy a hug.” He opened his arm up wide, as his smile seemed to take up his whole face.
Esmeralda took a couple of steps back as she began to panic. What kind of trick was this? It made no sense. Though, she wasn’t sure how clearly she could think as the demon that haunted her nights stood in front of her. “Don’t touch me. Don’t take a step closer to me. Get away.” She hoped her words sounded stronger than they felt coming through her mouth. Why was she still so terrified of him? Why did those eyes still make her stomach turn?
“Don’t talk to me like that, Esmeralda Athena Whitlock!” He snapped as he pointed to her. “You will treat me with the respect due to your father!”
“You deserve no respect. You were no father. Ted Whitlock was my father. ” She glared at him as she growled, “You are nothing but a ghost. And I am no child anymore.” Just like the night she defeated him, Esmeralda stopped backing up from him. She would not give him that power over her anymore.
He reached out for her, but as he did Esmeralda twisted his hand towards his elbow. “What did I say? I am no longer a child. Do. Not. Touch. Me.” With that, Esmeralda swung to punch his shoulder. Instead of cracking, his shoulder seemed to evade her punch as if it was not made out of bone at all. “You’re just an illusion aren’t you? I will not bow down to an illusion.”
“I am no illusion. Nor a ghost.” Caleb Whitlock twisted his wrist around unnaturally, though not unnatural to the Illud; then he swung his other arm up colliding his sharp fist into Esmeralda’s face.
Esmeralda stumbled back as her vision went black from the strike against her nose. She then felt his fist collide with her cheek, and then gasped as his fist collided with her stomach.
Jamie prepared me for this. Jamie prepared me for this. Jamie prepared me for this! Focus!
Instead of doubling over in pain, Esmeralda tucked in her stomach like she remembered Jamie telling her to, and then she stretched out her spine to help distribute some of the pain. He quickly took that moment to kick her stomach, but instead of shocking her with pain her abs took the force and moved it through her body.
She took that split second to take a step back and access her situation. Her whole left side was too weak to take much force to it. She had a chemical burn down her shoulder, a dislocated thumb, a broken pinky and ring finger, a cut down her arm, and a shattered left leg bone. She wasn’t going to win this fight against him on force only. It was his home turf. He knew the ins and outs of the room. He was bigger and stronger than her. He was likely faster than her too, because her leg was broken- though she could force herself to run on it if she had to.
This was not a fight that she could win.
But off to the side she saw what she needed. Esmeralda limped as fast as she could towards the chair in the center of the room. Her father followed behind her. His arrogance was getting the best of him, because he merely walked instead of running.
Finally next to the chair, Esmeralda grabbed the device that they had used to stab into her arm, and she turned back to her father. “Leave me alone!” Her hands shook, but she knew how to use knives well. “I don’t know what this is about, but whatever this is isn’t going to work.”
“That doesn’t work for whores.”
Esmeralda pressed the button on the side that she watched them press to start it.
But nothing happened. “What?!” Esmeralda cried before she threw the device at his head and ran into the darkness towards the door. As she collided with the door, Esmeralda pressed the buttons madly before screaming, “Please let me out! Please! Please don’t do this!”
“Tell us about Scarlett Buchanan’s thinking organ.” The clicking came from overhead almost like an intercom.
“Please not that! Please!” She begged as she banged on the door.
“Okay. Fine.”
“Really?” She wept as she laid her face against the door.
“Will you return back to Earth and help us take over your government?”
“Please, please, please I’m begging you! Please have mercy!”
“Mercy is only given to the obedient.” Caleb stated behind her before he grabbed her hair, smashed her head against the door, and then threw her on the floor.
As he crawled over her, Esmeralda began to buck her hips as she swung up at her father, as she wept, “Please don’t do this. Please. Please!”
Thick fingers gathered in her long locks before pulling her head up and then colliding it against the floor. Again. Again. Again. Again.
As he did so Esmeralda’s vision began to become black, and she started to lose energy to fight. “Please. Mercy. Please.” She whimpered as she heard his zipper unzip.
“Mercy only for the obedient. And you’ve been very naughty Seven.”
When Esmeralda was young, she convinced herself that intelligence was all that she needed in life. She believed that her intelligence would get her out of any sticky situation. She thought if she outsmarted bullies that they’d feel defeated by her intelligence, and they would leave her alone. She believed if she was smart enough that she could heal her mother from her alcoholism. She spent hours trying to educate herself on children’s rights laws hoping that she could defeat her father in the court of law by using her intelligence. She thought that she could create her own future by leaning on her natural talent in picking up information and her insatiable need to know everything.
Throughout her life she realized that wasn’t true. Bullies were illogical, and their power was not in their intelligence. Their power was in their social capital. Alcoholism required the alcoholic to desire to want to get better, and that required something from her mother that she was never able to find. The law did end up defeating her father. Yet, she had nothing to do with him the law catching up to him. She built her future on the back of Ted and Odette Whitlock who gave up their time, money, and love to help her create the life she wanted so bad.
A small part of that arrogance stuck to her for a while though. She was sure that her intelligence could at least help her create a better life for herself. It was not the only ingredient, but it was a part of what it took to survive. She used her intelligence to get into college that helped her get a job that felt fulfilling. Her intelligence helped her both fight and avoid zombies during the outbreak. She used her knowledge to help the team survive everything that happened after they landed on Novis. Her knowledge and curiosity helped her find the love of her life… even if that didn’t last as long as she wished that it did.
But, as she lay sunken into the chair they kept her strapped down into, Esmeralda realized her intelligence was doing nothing to help her. It kept her tongue still when it needed to be, and it got some information from the aliens. Yet when it came to saving her from the worst of what they were doing to her, her knowledge did nothing for her whatsoever. She wasn’t smart enough to talk her way out of what was happening. She wasn’t smart enough to read through aliens’ motives. She wasn’t smart enough to control how she responded to pain.
All that she had was her vessel that she had trained, but nothing could have prepared her for what they had done to her.
Keeping her eyes closed only caused more pain, but so did opening her eyes. The only way to make the pain go away was to give away information about Scarlett, but Esmeralda refused to do that. She’d be betraying someone who stuck around even when she did something that everyone thought was cruel. She’d be breaking patient confidentiality. She’d be betraying not only her own country but also her entire planet but putting it’s security at risk. At the end of the day though, Esmeralda cared too much about Scarlett to do something like that to her.
The only thing that she could do at that moment was to accept the pain and try to escape if she ever got the chance.
As she finally opened her eyes, the room seemed a bit blurry. How much blood did I lose? Esmeralda rolled her head over to her left shoulder to control some of the blood flow to her brain. She wondered if she tried to wake up too quickly.
The room seemed so empty again. But, she remembered from last time that she tried to escape that the darkness could hide a lot from her. “Hello!” Esmeralda called out to find out if anyone was in the room in the darkness.
When the darkness kept quiet, Esmeralda began to wiggle around. She knew that every time she moved around in the past some of the aliens came out of the darkness to let her know that they were watching. It was almost as if to put her back in her place, but this time nothing happened. This time it was completely quiet.
Esmeralda wasn’t so dizzy to not take advantage of the silence. She knew her thumb was still so broken that if she wiggled enough she could get out of the cuff. Her hand was far too straight for something like that to work. It had only worked in the past, because they were watching her making sure that she didn’t wiggle out of them.
After a minute, Esmeralda finally popped her hand out, and she took a deep breath as she looked down at her thumb. At its jagged angle with a purple tinge, Esmeralda wondered if she’d ever be able to get it back to what it was before she dislocated it. She didn’t have enough time to think about that at the moment.
She remembered that she couldn't break the ankle cuffs last time, so she began to look around for something to help her break them. As she did so, she spotted the device they used to carve her number into her arm.
After freeing her ankles, she ran towards the darkness hoping that she would find a wall or anything that would help her figure out where she was. After a moment, her hand touched something hard and cold almost like stone. Was it stone? Was it a wall? Either way it wasn’t slippery, so she doubted it was one of the aliens. She used her hand to follow the wall until she felt something cooler and grooved.
For a moment, she ran her hand up the cooler and grooved object before something lit up against the wall. It had the symbols that she had seen on the pad the being had been typing on. One of them looked familiar. It looked like the symbol the alien pressed when turning off the device it pressed on. It was a risk, but she knew risks were the only way she was going to get out.
When the doors opened, Esmeralda had to cover her eyes as the new light blinded her for a second, but she knew the longer she stood the less time she had to get away. The lit up room was still dark for humans, but it had screens of other beings tied to chairs.
“Oh shit.” Esmeralda whispered to herself as she looked around on what looked liked a desk with a bunch of buttons with symbols on them. “I don’t know what any of this means. What if I push the wrong button? Shit, shit, shit. I’ll come back I promise!” With that she turned towards what looked like another door. Once again she pressed the same symbol that caused the door to turn, and she slid through as it rotated around.
She froze as she ran into the new room. It was huge. It was about the size of the square footage of her home. She had no idea where to go.
But none of that mattered as she looked around the room and didn’t see any aliens. They wouldn’t leave wherever they were without some sort of security. What she had done was far too easy. There was something wrong. Where were all the aliens? Did they sleep? If they did, she knew they were smart enough to do cycles. They did with her before. Why weren’t there any of them in the room that looked like it was a congregating room? Had the ship been attacked? Wouldn’t she have felt that? “This is a trap.” Esmeralda whispered to herself as her stomach began to sink. “They’re trying to get something from me.”
In the background, Esmeralda heard a clicking that translated into, “Why isn’t she trying to escape?”
Esmeralda spun towards the sound only to find one of the aliens on one of those pads staring at her while it madly tapped on a pad.
The alien beside the panicking alien was quiet for a second before he answered, “Because we miscalculated. These humans are not as primitive as we thought they were. The human realized our rouse.”
The room seemed to melt around her, and as it did so Esmeralda realized exactly what they had done. They had deluded her into thinking that she was running away when in reality she had been running around in the same room. They had been watching her version of things to see what she did. They wanted to watch her squirm. They wanted to watch how she thought.
There were no words left for Esmeralda at that moment. They had tricked her into thinking she was escaping. They were smart enough to have technology that felt like Star Trek, but it was right there in front of her. She would have completely believed she was escaping if it hadn’t been for the lack of aliens that she had to fight to escape. “Why?” She asked as the being took a couple of steps closer to her.
“Don’t you see now? There is no escaping, Seven. You cannot escape us. Any time that you think that you’re escaping… it’s us. You can’t leave. Just give us what we want. Then you won’t have to suffer anymore. Don’t you want sustenance? Aren’t you hungry? Don’t you want to be free? Come on, Seven. Tell us about Scarlett Buchanan’s thinking organ.”
Esmeralda’s chest deflated as she fell back into the chair. He was right. He was so right. She couldn’t escape. There were too many security mechanisms. There were too many beings. Their technology was far more advanced than the humans. She could never know what was reality, because they had complete control over her brain. They had hacked into the one thing about her that she loved, and now she couldn’t trust anything that went through it. She was no longer Esmeralda Nash the prodigy, because any time she used her knowledge they got that knowledge. She was never going to be saved. This was the end for her. All that was left of her was what they knew.
The sudden shove against Esmeralda’s shoulder was enough to jostle her from her sleep. Training had made her know exactly what followed if she didn’t get up after they shook her shoulder. Her shoulder still burned from… was it two days ago? She suddenly realized how she had no concept of how long she had been trapped with the species. It felt like an eternity that she had been there. Did everyone just forget about her? Would Rosalyn even remember her if she was ever able to return? Would Phillip have finally moved on?
Maybe something good would come out of this.
Drowsily, Esmeralda mumbled, “Can I have fluids? Humans cannot go long without fluids. Is it… two… no… four… days? I… if you want anything from me, you’re going to want to give me water. That’s a combination of two hydrogen and one oxygen.” Esmeralda was unsure of exactly how different the beings were. “I’ll need sustenance at some point too. I’m too thin and muscular to last too long without sustenance.”
The being beside her was quiet as it turned away from her. Then after a second it turned to her, “Fluids will be brought soon.”
“Wait…” Finally, the dots began to come together- the comment about guttural noises and the long periods of silence. “Are you guys telepathic? Umm… can you guys… do your thinking organs pass thoughts?”
“Yes, telepathic. We are telepathic. We attempted to use telepathy on you, but your primitive brain was incapable of doing so.”
“How very Q.” Esmeralda mumbled to herself as she laid her head back against the chair. She smiled a little to herself as she remembered that first day that the humans landed on Novis.
Phillip’s hair was so much shorter back then. He didn’t have a beard either, and there was this sad look that she had almost completely forgotten about. “You were the last one to get out before myself, so I wouldn’t say you’re exactly rushing into adventure Kirk.” He knew her reference already. He was so quick thinking- always on guard.
For a moment, she closed her eyes and blinked away tears as she realized just how much she missed he and Rosalyn. She missed her little family that she had created with the love of her life. She missed the moments in the ship building furniture for Rosalyn. She missed as he ran his fingers through her hair. She missed as he excitedly talked about a medical advance that he found from the Novi. She missed how Rosalyn chewed on her cold toy. She missed those little quiet moments in the living room balled up between Phillip’s legs watching Rosalyn play with her little toys.
“Seven. Focus. Your fluid is here.” The being beside her seemed to bark with his short clicks.
The tub of water they brought was bigger than any normal cup, but at the moment Esmeralda couldn’t get herself to care. She waited for them to tip it over, and then she began to quickly chug as much water as she could get into her body. It was bitter water as if there was something wrong with it, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. When she finally stopped, she repeated over and over again, “Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.”
“Ummm… good. Do you think you could do something for us then?” The being beside her asked as the other beings holding the tub walked away.
“What is it?” She began to lick her dry lips in an effort to try to control the itching sensation. “I can’t answer your question without more of an explanation.”
“What can you tell us about Scarlett Buchanan?” The being asked as she disappeared into the darkness only to return with a chair which she sat in front of Esmeralda.
Curiosity got the better of Esmeralda as her dark eyebrow rose a little. “Well… she’s the wife of my husband’s best friend. She… has a law degree. She’s the president of our planet. She is quite nice though she is quite studious, so she often doesn’t dominate the conversation.”
“Mmm this is good. Would you like some sustenance? What do you humans eat?” The being began to tap on a pad on its lap.
“Carbohydrates are the best. They’re complex sugars. They’re breads. Ugh… they… ask the mousy looking one that was on our planet. I don’t know how to explain that concept. That’s beyond me right now. It’s… just a lot.” Esmeralda admitted as she laid her head back on the chair.
“We will ask them. Tell us more. We understand that you are a thinking organ doctor?”
Esmeralda lifted her head and stared at the dark blue being. “Yes, I am. Why does that matter?”
The being tapped on the pad before lifting it up and showing Esmeralda a picture of grapes. “Would you like that? All you have to tell us is what you know about Scarlett Buchanan’s thinking organ.”
“No.” Esmeralda shook her head. “No. Absolutely not. Nothing is worth that. No. She… she’s my patient. I would never…”
“Fine… We understand. Let’s just show you what happens when you say no.” The alien began to press a tentacle against the screen again. “Each decision has a consequence of sort.”
Through the darkness in walked another being, but many of its tentacles were carrying some sort of box. To the side where she couldn’t see the alien she heard it open the box. Then back in the light she saw it carrying a sharp device much like a scalpel. Without any sort of warning, it sank the sharp object into Esmeralda’s shoulder.
“Stop!” Esmeralda screamed, but as that scream came out between her lips the being then dug the sharp object down her arm causing her scream to become intelligible. She threw her head against the back of the chair as she began to sob while the being pulled the sharp object out of her arm. “Please.” She begged with shaking lips.
“Okay. Tell us about Scarlett Buchanan’s thinking organ.”
“It’s likely dense and a light white grey color.” Esmeralda cried as she turned to look at her arm that was now bleeding so much that a puddle was starting to be created below her arm. “You’re going to kill me if you go this fast.”
“We’ll cauterize it in a minute. Now tell us about Scarlett Buchanan’s thinking organ.” The being repeated.
Esmeralda threw her head back against the chair and began banging it against the chair over and over again as she began to become frustrated. “I can’t. She’s my friend. It’s illegal…”
“Okay. We understand.” The alien tapped on the pad again.
“No, no, no please. Wait… wait…” Esmeralda plead as she watched the other being walk into the darkness. “Please. I can’t… no, no, no!” She screamed as she watched the being return with something that looked something like a slimmer sledgehammer. “Please!”
“One of her moving tendrils please. Both causes them to die.”
“No, no, NO!” Esmeralda began to plead before she screamed loudly as the sledgehammer smashed her lower leg. A large crack echoed through the room, and she began to hyperventilate a new sharp pain in her leg began to follow the forceful pain from the hammer. It felt like something ripping, and she knew exactly what was happening. Her bone was trying to rip through her skin. “P…” Breath. “P…” Breath. “Pl…” Breath.
Darkness began to crowd around her vision. “Please don’t…”
“Don’t let her go to sleep!” The being in the chair seemed to scream.
Esmeralda began to let the darkness take her. The pain began to subside as she felt a weight in her soul begin to drag her into the darkness. It was a comforting and warm darkness. It felt like sleeping in Phillip’s arms. Complete safety.
Then suddenly something sharp began to run through Esmeralda’s body that ripped her from the warm safety of the darkness and brought her back to the burning blue lights in the room. Her whole body shook with the power of whatever was running through her. But after a second, the sharp pain stopped.
Blake watched from the corner of her eye as the waitress sat the bottle of whiskey on the table, muttering something about being too busy to keep filling up Esmeralda’s glass. For a moment the blonde looked down and wondered just how many drinks Esmeralda had had that night. Frowning, she bit her bottom lip. Sometimes Artemis got carried away when it came to her drinking, but on those nights, Blake was always there to put her to bed, set a glass of water on the nightstand with two Advil, and place a bucket nearby just in case. With Phillip gone, who would do that for Esmeralda?
“I have a particular room in the museum, that’s humidity-controlled where I keep things too delicate, or I’m not ready to display for the public. It’s cold and dry there. Then I’ll place it in a polyester sleeve. It’s not as high-tech as it sounds really,” Blake smiled softly. “Finally I’ll put it in an archival box where I’ve got some other important papers.”
A moment of silence lingered in the air as Esmeralda seemed to try to process Blake’s words. She had already managed to drink another glass of whiskey in their short conversation.
She knew Artemis wouldn’t like the idea. The brunette seemed almost personally offended that Esmeralda and Phillip had decided to separate. Everyone, including her boss, seemed to be pointing a finger toward Esmeralda, but Blake thought it was more complicated than that. This wasn’t the behavior of someone happy with their decision.
“Hey Esmeralda,” Blake said softly. “Why don’t you stay with Artemis and me tonight? We have a spare room…and it’s closer to the bar than your place. I can make us some popcorn?” The blonde tried not to seem like she was overly worried about her psychiatrist, but the idea of Esmeralda walking home, alone in the dark, and stumbling up to her empty house with no one there broke Blake’s heart.
When Esmeralda was young, she never understood why people like alcohol as much as they seemed to. Some part of her was convinced that it was a social activity. It was the one form of escapism that capitalism allowed for whatever the reason. The only way people were socially allowed to run away from their problems was to consume alcoholic beverages until they no longer even remembered consuming the beverages. She almost pitied them. Trapped up in the tendrils of capitalism that they weren’t aware of.
Then Annabel came crashing into her life with thick black eye shadow around her hazel eyes and thin fingers that smelled like some alcohol Esmeralda was never able to pin down. Every night Annabel would grin that sloppy grin from on stage that made Esmeralda’s stomach flutter. Later on her liquor stained lips would intoxicate Esmeralda, and Esmeralda finally saw what it offered- comfort from anxiety.
From deep conversations on old suede couches, Esmeralda realized that some people who drank were aware of how capitalism played in their drinking. They attempted to check that by drinking beers from smaller companies and other things like that, but they also accepted much like many people that capitalism had it’s hands in everything- including what was acceptable and fun.
Annabel pushed the envelope with Molly and LSD (something Esmeralda did not follow in due to some private reservations about her mental health), but that showed Esmeralda that Annabel was right. Alcohol wasn’t exclusively a tool of capitalism.
After a while Esmeralda fell into drinking to help her social skills. She never thought she’d fall so far to drink to dull her pain, but she couldn’t even remember drinking as much as she apparently had drunk by that point. It seemed part of her night had completely blacked out.
“Oh I see. It’s about... moisture?” Esmeralda felt like rolling her eyes at her brain seemed to check out as if on strike for her bad life choices. “Gotta keep the paper... dry? Makes sense. I’m sure you’ll do a great job. You’re real smart. You’re a smart cookie. You’re a smart cookie that’s full of anxious energy. That’s you. The cutest smart cookie that’s full of anxious energy.”
Shut up!
And she did. She reached for the bottle of whiskey before stopping as Blake asked her if she wanted to stay with Blake and Artemis that night. Nervously, she turned to Artemis who seemed completely oblivious of her. Then she slowly turned to Blake and thought about delicious popcorn and the soft fur of their little fur baby. She really didn’t want to be alone. “If that’s.... oh....umm.. okay? That... would be really nice. I... I coould pay you back. It’d be nice to spend time wit fraendz.”
Don’t melt into this. I will not bow to this. Whatever this is.
Closed eyes sheltered Esmeralda from the storm that awaited her once the beings realized that she was awake. She was unsure of how long she writhed under the burning sensation before she crawled to the box and placed the smaller box on it before passing out. She was unsure how long she had been unconscious. She was unsure about just everything that was happening to her.
What do I know? Focus on that. Focus on what we know. I know that contact with their tentacles causes what I think is a chemical burn on human flesh. I know that it is something they have to trigger, because they touched my chin without burning me. I know that they are using some sort of air pressure mechanism to cause them to float. Why do they do that? Why do they float? They want something from me. Maybe for me to do something? Maybe what they were doing was a foot in the door technique? What a rough foot in the door.
“I think the human is awake.” It was a new voice through her translator. Was it translating the voice as young, because the translator knew it was young? Or did it take cues from its database of knowledge, which meant that it could be faulty?
Either way she didn’t want to risk being burned again, so she opened her eyes. She didn’t pull at the restraints this time, because she knew it would pull at the burn on her shoulder. “Yes, I am awake. I was just… it doesn’t matter. Do you want me to put the box on the box again?”
“No.” This was a voice that she remembered from before. It was the one that seemed angry all the time. “We don’t want you to do anything. That was just to sort of… educate you about repercussions. Today we just have a few official things to do.”
“Official? What does that… are you talking paperwork? You need to do paperwork for this sort of thing?” Esmeralda rolled her eyes. She knew it wasn’t a good idea to antagonize her captor, but some part of her was too exhausted from the previous encounter to care.
“Paperwork? What does she mean paperwork? What is the human…?” The seemingly younger alien began to ask before it went quiet.
The whole room went quiet before she watched the younger being leave the room. The seemingly older being floated away from her before it disappeared into the darkness.
Esmeralda knew this would be a rare moment of solitude, and she wasn’t going to miss a chance. She pulled at whatever was on her wrists hoping to understand it’s composition, and as she did so she felt something cold. Metal? Metal meant that there was no way that she could break it herself. However, that also meant that it was in a strict shape that she might be capable of slipping out of.
She took her left hand thumb into her right hand and took a deep breath. It’s just like when mom snapped my leg back in place. It’s just like that. Just one more time. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Breathe as you do it, and just think of anything else. Think of getting back to Rosalyn.
Nothing could hide the sharp scream Esmeralda let out as she slammed her thumb into the metal thing holding her wrists. The sharp pain that seemed to dig up her arm caused her to become a bit dizzy, but her adrenaline kicked in quickly. She gently pulled her hand out of the thick metal cuff before she began to reach for her feet.
The cuffs were so thick around her ankles, and she only had one hand that was capable of being used. She looked up for something to reach for.
Through the darkness swarmed so many of the beings that she couldn’t count them. One of them reached out and burned the same shoulder as before while the others shoved Esmeralda back against the chair. Though, she wasn’t quite aware of that as the pain from the burn caused her to throw up and begin to black out. “Someone help!”
“No one is coming!” The same rough angry voice clicked. “You think you’re special? You think you’ll escape this? You’re the seventh human being that’s been here. The first six died on that chair you’re sitting on. All you are is a number. Seven. That is all you are Seven.”
Through the blackness that faded in and out, Esmeralda turned her head to the being that was making the clicking noises. Somehow she hoped if she looked at him. If she just pleaded with him, maybe he would understand. “Please, please. Let me go. Please.”
An object in the being’s tentacle began to light up a dark red color, as he seemed to turn it on. “Don’t move too much. This will hurt. I need to be able to know who you are.”
“No, no, no. Please. Please!” Esmeralda cried as she closed her eyes in preparation for whatever the being was going to do to her. “Please! Plea-“ Instantly, as the object seemed to burn through her skin, she knew what it was doing. Though, that brought her no comfort whatsoever as she screamed yet again. The smell and pain reminded her of when her father put her hand on the stove. Her nails dug into her palms in an effort to distract her body from the pain, but it didn’t help. All that was left was the rancid smell and the itching pain that surrounded whatever the being was doing to her.
“Why are you doing this?!” Esmeralda screamed after a moment as the pain started to become slightly bearable. She opened her eyes and looked down to the wound that was now on her wrist, and she waited for the translator to figure out what had been put there.
“Total and complete subjugation.” The alien replied before returning to the darkness.
Darkness began to fade from the center of Esmeralda’s vision, and through it she saw faded blue lights pointed towards her. The room seemed so empty. Though, she wondered if it seemed that way due to how little that she could see of the room.
Where was she?
“Thinking organ activity is starting to increase. I believe the subject is waking up. The acquirer should not have struck the head so hard.”
A dream. It must have been a dream. Everything seemed so strange that Esmeralda kept her eyes closed and whispered to herself, “This a dream. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.” Normally when she became aware that she was dreaming she would force herself awake by making the dream seem as unreal as possible. It seemed that the less real the dream was the less capable her brain was able to hold the dream state together. For Esmeralda, there was no reason to take whatever was happening with any degree of seriousness.
“Dream? What does the human mean dream?” Another voice. Something deeper.
The first voice spoke up, “Humans sometimes have increased brain activity while asleep despite not being conscious. From their tales, it seems that they see visions in which have varying degrees of reality. It appears she believes that this is one of those visions.”
Suddenly, Esmeralda felt something wet yet tight grasp her chin, which caused her to quickly open her eyes. Then she gasped.
A featureless almost completely clear but blue tinged face, (was that a face?), seemed to float in front of her. Behind it’s face hung thousands of deep red tendrils almost like hair, but its hair was more like skin than it was like keratin. There seemed to almost be a membrane to its hair. There was a loud clicking that emitted somewhere within the being, and after a second she heard, “This is not a dream!” Instantly Esmeralda knew this being was not in the Federation. The translators wouldn’t have struggled that long to translate if they were in the Federation. “Must I speak in this vulgar way for you to understand me?”
“I… what… what’s going on? What…” Her shaking hands caused the restraints on her hands to tighten, and then she tried to move her legs only to discover they too were tied to what felt like a chair. “Who are you? Can you understand me?” Esmeralda quickly began to translate between her nine languages hoping one of them would be similar. She started with Swahili hoping that the clicking would cause them to know that she wanted to try to understand them.
The face of the being turned away from Esmeralda, and in the back Esmeralda discovered another being just like the one in front of her except it had a darker blue tinge to it’s features. Both of them were quiet for a moment before the being in front of her spoke again. “Stop that! Stop changing your guttural noises. We know the so-called language you apparently call English. We know you Esmeralda Athena Whitlock Nash. We know your child. We know your ex-husband. We know your best friends. We know your patients. We know everything.”
The restraints began to cut into Esmeralda’s wrists as she pulled at them. “If you know everything, I’d be dead, or you wouldn’t be talking to me. You need something. What do you want? Why… who are you?”
Once again the being was quiet as he turned to the other being. This time the being moved closer to her. Not quite walking. It seemed almost like they were always floating. The being that had been in front of her before left the light, and the being that had been in the back took the first being’s place. “Your guttural noises offend many of us. I’ve lived amongst your kind for some time… well as long as one of us can. I do not mind it as much as they do. You see…” The being’s skin began to vibrate, and slowly its skin became pink in places. Fabric covered pieces of its skin. After a moment, the face took a humanoid appearance with plain features, brown hair, and brown eyes. She knew that look. She knew this person. She had seen her out of the corner of her eyes. They never talked, but the woman seemed to be everywhere. “I’ve come to really like your people. We only… picked you up to get to know your species better.”
“Well, I’m not the one to talk to. Scarlett Buchanan is the representative for Belle Terre. If you’d like to get to know humans better, she would be far more capable than I.” Somehow Esmeralda had a hard time believing what they were saying. She understood maybe they tied her down in case she was a warlike species. She understood the possibility of abducting her as a security precaution to make sure that she was the one with less power in the discussion. Yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
The alien began to shape shift back into its original form before beginning to click again, “No, we don’t want to get to know you that way. We just want to know what you’re capable of.” The being stood up before floating over behind Esmeralda where she felt the restraints on her wrists loosen up. “How about you take this over there?” With one of her hair tentacles the being offered Esmeralda a box while with another hair tentacle she pointed off to the right where there was a larger box that suddenly was lit up by a faded blue light overhead.
“What? You just…” Esmeralda’s dark eyebrow rose as she stood up and shook her hands to get feeling back into them. “You want me to take that over there? To that box?”
“Yes. It’s not a lot. Is it?”
“No, but… this… I want to go back home. I don’t want to play these games.” She suddenly became aware of how tall the other being was as she turned to the being that towered over her much like Phillip did. “I don’t like this. I think you should contact Scarlett Buchanan… she…”
As Esmeralda continued to speak the being reached out with one of their tentacles. Her words were stopped in their place, as her skin seemed to boil where the tentacle touched. The stench of burning skin made Esmeralda bow over and begin to heave as a wave of nausea began to crash over her.
“I’m not asking for a lot.” The alien clicked before pulling back its tentacle. “Just take the box over there. You can handle that right?”
Her mother always said she had empathy, she would put everything before herself, including other people. To Kyla, herself came last no matter what the situation was. However, she could feel that Esmeralda was in place that she wanted to be alone, but that empathetic part of Kyla wouldn’t go away.
“Yeah, I understand what you mean. I think I lost all meaning of the word fun since we got here. Sometimes life decides that we should put ourselves last in everything, it’s horrible really, almost draining if you’re asking me, that you don’t want to do anything at all.”
Selfish selflessness. Esmeralda knew an exact phrase for the phenomenon that Kyla was describing. She had talked about it quite a bit with her therapist back in New Haven. She kept throwing herself at her patients over and over again with complete disregard for her own well being. This helped many of her patients, but there were times that her disregard got her hurt and unable to help her other patients. It was a selfish selflessness that didn’t think out the repercussions of that selflessness.
She took the whiskey from the waitress with a polite but slurred, “Thannks. Can you go ahead and get umm... two more? Thanks.” She tossed back that one, and as she did so the world began to finally not hurt as sharply- at least slightly less painful.
“I was once told I was selfishly selfless. It’s where one completely umm... ignores their own well being to do good. You sound selfishly selfless. Maybe you should umm... join me... I mean... having fun. Maybe not the drinking. But just... you can’t keep running at the wall. Sometimes you gotta wait for the wall to screw off.”
Andrew Kwon was often told that he talked too much. He was the type of person who usually gave unsolicited advice, making jokes at inappropriate moments, or sometimes even making the situation about himself when he tried and failed to sympathize. Yet, at that moment, Andrew knew better than to talk. He kept his arm wrapped around Esmeralda’s shoulder as she began to sob.
Words fell from her mouth in short fragments, interrupted by guttural cries. As she began to explain why she wasn’t good enough, the Korean-American couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to bring her to this moment. Did Phillip say something off-handed? Did someone tell her she wasn’t good enough? No one ever woke up feeling like they wanted to destroy the life that had spent years making.
“It’s okay Es,” Andrew said, “Listen. I’m here. It’s okay.” Sighing, he reached over and found a box of tissues and handed it to the brunette. “Listen, no one ever thinks they’re good enough for their spouse. I’m surprised every day that Eva doesn’t just take one look at me and realize she’s made the biggest mistake in her life…but Phillip loves you…I just…”
Andrew shook his head. He knew he’d never be able to convince Esmeralda that she was good enough. That was something she would have to find within herself. “I’ll support whatever choices you make Es…I just…I don’t know.”
Scattered around Esmeralda were the tiny shattered pieces of what little was left of her life. On the nightstand she ignored, her watch kept blinking. She knew each flash of light was a text from Andrew wanting her to text him back. She didn’t have the energy to roll over and talk to him. If he really wanted her, he’d find her. Beside her lay the few patient files left after the break up with florescent yellow lines through them. They were distraction from the pile of books on her left side. They were the stack of books she kept neglecting, because they reminded her too much of Phillip. They were medical texts she told herself that she’d read with Phillip, but they got too busy with being parents.
She faced the wall on the right which was stacked high with books she ‘borrowed’ from the library. She searched over the sea of books for something new to read. She needed something to swallow her whole. She needed a world to fall into that would take her far away from the world she was in- something to numb the pain.
The house was quiet. Rosalyn was with her daddy. Her best friend was a father who was honestly too busy for her drama. No one fought for Esmeralda the way that Declan fought for Phillip. She understood. She was never quite the person that people flocked to. People were hesitant to be close to her. They told her secrets, but she was never worth bonding with. She understood. She hated her too.
But the quiet didn’t last long. A quick rapping that sounded like Phillip’s signature knock echoed through the house. Maybe he forgot something.
Carefully, Esmeralda crawled over the stack of books in front of the bed and then just as carefully maneuvered through the very small crack that was left between the books and the door. “I’m coming. Give me a sec!” Esmeralda called out as she grabbed a sweater that was sat on the couch and pulled it over herself to hide how much weight that she had lost. She wanted him to think that everything was okay. Then he’d move on. Finally, she ran to the door, put on her perfect smile, and swung it open.
There he was… but there was something different this time. There wasn’t that look in his eyes that felt like falling into a pit. His eyes had life in them. It was a life that made her knees weak. “Where’s Rosalyn?” She asked with arching eyebrows.
He was silent for a moment as if debating on something. He rocked on the back of his heel for a moment before quickly walking in the house, closing the door behind him, and crashing his lips on hers.
It was like a dream she had many times since leaving him, and Esmeralda didn’t have the strength to fight him. For a moment, she melted into his arms.
But felt wrong. Something about how he kissed her felt foreign. It felt wrong. It didn’t feel like him. It was rough. Rougher than Phillip ever treated her. There was a dullness that she had never felt with him before. Maybe she had really killed their love.
Nervously, Esmeralda began to push on his chest. “Stop. Stop. I said we were separating! Stop. This… doesn’t… what is wrong with you?!” Anxiety filled her lungs so much that the pressure felt like it was going to explode her lungs. He never kissed her without her making it really clear she wanted it. What was wrong with him? He knew better than to do something like that to her.
“Isn’t this what you want?” There was something wrong with how his words came out. He’d never assume something like that...right? He had never done that before. It didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right.
“What… Phillip I need you to leave. You’re scaring me. Get out. Get out!” Esmeralda stammered as she took a couple of steps back from him.
He tilted his neck to the side as his eyes seemed to somehow grow larger. Then his skin seemed to… shimmer? Was he shimmering?
Andrew was fully prepared for Esmeralda to drawback. Though they had known each other for nearly two years, and the Korean-American considered her to be his best friend, he was quite aware that Esmeralda didn’t like to be open. Andrew had always assumed that it had to do with the Z-9 virus and the losses she endured during the outbreak, but then Austin Given’s had sent everyone the article about Esmeralda’s father. Andrew realized then that it was more than just the Z-9, it was the life she had been forced to live long before zombies and viruses.
Though, just as Andrew was getting ready to remind Esmeralda that she could trust him, words began to fall from her lips. She trembled as she spoke, and his heart broke along with hers.
“Ez,” Andrew said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “Phillip loves you. You love him. You guys are perfect for each other…” The Korean-American shook his head frowning as he tried to understand. “Did you tell him all that? I’m sure he would have told you the truth. You didn’t lock him down with Rosalyn.”
Andrew furrowed his brows. “You are enough…Why don’t you think you’re enough? You’re awesome.”
Esmeralda began to shake as Andrew wrapped his thin arm around her shoulder. She had always hated when people touched her when she didn’t invite it. It made her angry that people thought that they had a right to her body. However, at that moment all she wanted was for someone to touch her. She needed Andrew to make her feel alive. She needed her best friend to hold her to the ground as her soul threatened to separate from her body.
She wished that Rosalyn didn’t have to see her like that, but she couldn’t keep it together anymore. She felt everything around her was completely falling apart around her.
“I know he at least thinks he loves me. I couldn’t tell him all of that! He could have been brainwashed by me... by his desire to have a family, and I was the person to give that to him.” Tears rolled down her face as she began to gasp. “I’m not enough!” She hiccuped for a second, “He... he... he... deserves someone smarter than me. He deserves someone who appreciates him more. He deserves someone who is prettier than I am. He deserves someone who doesn’t manipulate him into staying by having a child!”
She went silent for a moment as she tried to breathe as her face began to turn red as she tried to find the words, “He deserves the absolute best And... I can never be that. I can never ever be good enough for a man like him.” Her last words felt like ripping a thorn bush from her chest and offering the bloody bundle up to her best friend. Then he could see the truth. Finally, he could understand her position. “I am... I am as good as I can be. I try to be a better person every day. But... I can never be good enough for him. Never.”
Gasping Esmeralda tried to pull herself together. She tried to put together the shattered pieces of herself in an effort to calm down, but the pieces just kept cutting her hands.
She hadn’t seen much of Esmeralda, she would hear things from others, however there was always so many things going on that some just went into the back of her mind and almost forgotten about.
She stood back for a moment, being very quiet, almost nervous around her, hoping that she wasn’t disturbing her. It was clear on her face that she was thinking about just leaving her be and almost just let her ignore her if that had been her choice. However, she was thankful that she did speak even just a quick sentence. “Oh it’s just that I have never seen you drink before and I just assumed.” She said as she began to ramble. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to assume. I just wanted to see if you were alright and if you wanted somebody to talk to, but I understand if you don’t”
Kindness seemed so foreign to Esmeralda that for a moment she froze. Her head tilted to the right as her dull grey eyes watched Kyla. It seemed strange that someone was asking Esmeralda how she was. She was the one that broke up with Phillip. People just assumed that she was okay. She made the decision. Why shouldn’t she be happy? She agreed with them on some level. She knew she should have played the happy role better to convince Phillip.
But it was impossible when everyday felt like walking through life without air. It was impossible to be happy when she walked through the remnants of the life that had been perfect for her... other than the constant knowledge that she did not deserve Phillip. She couldn’t even pretend to be happy, because he was all she ever wanted in life... and she wasn’t enough. She was never enough.
She sighed before reaching for a waitress that almost passed by and asked for another whiskey. She didn’t want to talk about it. She couldn’t. At the end of the day, she needed to make sure that Phillip believed that she wanted this. “I’m fine. I just want to drink a little. Have a little fun you know? What’s the point of life if you can’t relax every once in a while? We’re all fighting to make a new world for everyone else that we forget about ourselves.”
Rumors traveled so fast in Belle Terre that you would have thought it was High School. When Blake had first heard that the Nash’s had separated, she couldn’t believe it. Phillip and Esmeralda seemed so perfect for each other, much like her own parents. Yet, when Blake had entered the Astor Clinic to schedule her yearly physical, she had overheard the nurses gossiping about Dr. Nash being newly single. They were wondering how long it would take him to cheer up and start dating. Just then, Phillip had walked out of his office, his face full of pain, and Blake knew it was true.
She had never seen him so upset.
Esmeralda being at the bar, dressed in a baggy sweatshirt, her hand grasping the glass of whiskey like a lifeline, only made the situation more heartbreaking. No one seemed to know why the Nash’s split, only that they did…and neither one of them seemed happy about it. Which only made Blake more confused.
Though, as Esmeralda realized that Blake wasn’t the waitress, her expression shifted. A forced smile took the place of her frown, and she nodded to her drink in excitement.
“I never thought you couldn’t,” Blake said with a soft smile. “I just didn’t know you liked whiskey. I want my drinks not to taste like alcohol or wine. I do like wine.” The blonde wanted to ask Esmeralda why she was out at the bar alone, especially since Belle Terre had a criminal out on the loose, but she didn’t want to pry. Besides, it was apparent that Esmeralda was here because she didn’t want to think about what was going on with her and Phillip.
“I got a new artifact today,” Blake said, deciding she would talk about herself instead. “It’s from the Oniea. I’m actually really excited about it, but it’s the document that we signed when we joined the Federation. They’re trusting me to preserve it.”
There were so many stories that no one really knew about Esmeralda. Stories that almost slipped out, but as she looked up into Blake’s big brown eyes she knew it wasn’t right to spill the poison outside of herself. She didn’t want to make her patient have to consider her anything but her psychologist... though at the moment she was sure she looked nothing like that. But she didn’t want to permanently change how Blake saw her.
She couldn’t risk explaining to Blake why exactly she drank whiskey. She couldn’t tell her how the stench of vodka still reminded her of the insufferably suffocation that came as her father combed his hand through her hair promising her it wouldn’t last long. She couldn’t admit that beer and wine still made her think of Looney Tunes and crying in embarrassment as her mother stood back up on the playground. Whiskey was safe. It reminded her of Georgia, but it reminded her of all of the good parts of it.
Her patients deserved to see Esmeralda as much as a blank slate as possible. She waved to the seat in front of her before sighing. “Whiskey is bitter, but there’s something... interesting about it. When it’s good, it can be very special. I mean this isn’t that, so don’t drink this. But... sometimes it is.” She’d explain why she was drinking that whiskey, but she honestly couldn’t remember how she got there. Best to keep that to herself.
As Blake talked about her artifact a waitress walked by and put the bottle on the table, “I’m too busy. Just take it back when you’re done.” Esmeralda nodded before pouring another glass and turning her attention back to Blake.
Though, she struggled as the edges of Blake became a little blurry. “Oh... that’s actually really... umm... interesting. Umm... how are you gonna...” Words. Come on. Don’t leave now. “Preserve it?” Esmeralda held up a finger as she held back a burp before starting again after a second. “Between glass? Or... honestly how do you guys even do that?”
