Depressed!Miyuki X Reader
My sister and I were talking about this the other day, and I just felt like I had to write it. Some of you are going through things and I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. You’re going to be okay. - Love, Mimi
Trigger warning: Mention of suicide and mature themes
You remembered the first time you met Miyuki Kazuya.
You’d just entered your first year of high school and he had ended up being in the same class as you. He was sitting by the window, looking out into the court yard at the luscious, spring flowers with a bored expression on his face.
You sat right behind him.
Your curious eyes observed his back; something about Miyuki just drew you to him. It was strange, the two of you hadn’t even talked once but just something about him was undeniably attractive. Maybe it was because you thought he was incredibly handsome, or the fact that he had a natural charisma that captivated anyone in his presence; whatever it was, you were hooked like a moth to a flame.
He’s actually really well built too…maybe he plays a sport or something.
You were so lost in your thoughts that you hadn’t realized that Miyuki had turned around to look at you. When he tapped on your arm, you snapped out of your daydream. You blinked twice before meeting intense, caramel eyes. Heat crawled up your neck; he must have caught you staring.
Miyuki smirked and held up your pencil. “Did you drop your pencil?”
Oh, your gaze fell to the sharp, blue pencil in his fingers, when did that drop off of my desk?
You nodded; your hands brushed briefly against Miyuki’s as you reached for your writing utensil.
But, he snatched back his hand.
Your neat eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What – “
“Haha, you have to pay me before you get this back.”
“What?” You pursed your lips into a thin line. “But, it’s my pencil. It has my name on it.”
Miyuki grinned and twirled the writing utensil between his thumb and pointer finger. He turned around briefly and the sound of a marker uncapping echoed in your ears.
“It’s not your pencil anymore.” Miyuki turned back around with a roughish smirk on his face. He held up the wooden object. Your name was crossed out; Miyuki had replaced your name with his. “You’re not getting it back unless you pay me.”
Your jaw slacked in disbelief. “You can’t just do that to someone else’s belongings!”
He flamboyantly laughed and tapped the pencil against your polished, wooden desk. “Too bad – “Miyuki glanced down at the pencil at your name, “– (Name)~. Nice to meet you, haha!”
A small sigh of defeat escaped from your lips. “Nice to meet you too.”
He’d ended up keeping that pencil. Miyuki had the nerve to charge you five bucks, with a two-dollar interest everyday. The nerve of that baseball player.
You mused over your memory before you thought back to another time.
The very first time when a strange eerie feeling settled in the pit of your stomach. It was after entering your second year of high school and becoming good friends with Miyuki.
It was Spring; and the weather on that particular day was devastatingly beautiful. So, you’d opted to eating outside while enjoying the quiet serenity of nature.
Twisting the roof’s door knob, you stepped out onto the white tiled floor. Immediately, a soft breeze caressed your creamy skin and the fresh smell of nature intoxicated your lungs.
Wow, the breeze is really – Miyuki?
You blinked rapidly and furrowed your neat eyebrows. Miyuki was gripping the metal fence tightly with one hand, a small frown adored his handsome face; he looked as if he was in deep thought. The sunlight shone down on his brown locks and the sun kissed his tanned skin. The wind ruffled his hair and clothes gently. He hadn’t noticed you, instead he stared down at the courtyard at something.
You shifted uncomfortably as you watched him for a couple of seconds.
Something doesn’t feel right.
“Miyuki?” You called out softly. “What’re you doing?”
He jumped slightly, not expecting you to be there. Slowly, Miyuki turned around with a charming smile.
“Hey, (Name).” Miyuki impishly grinned and shrugged. He took a step back from the fence then casually shoved his hands into his uniform’s pockets. “Just enjoying the wind.”
“…” You eyed him before sitting down. As you took out your packed lunch, Miyuki wandered over to where you sat. “Did you eat already?” You glanced up at Miyuki who shook his head. Opening your lunch box, you held it up to him. “Want some?”
“Haha, I’m fine.” Miyuki sat down beside you and leaned against the hard wall behind the two of you. He silently closed his eyes and tilted his head back.
“You shouldn’t skip lunch.”
You let out a defeated sigh before grabbing a sweet dumpling with your wooden chopsticks. A comfortable silence settled between the two of you. The melody of birds and the encouraging shouts from students on the soccer field disturbed the peaceful atmosphere.
Miyuki shifted into a more comfortable position. “Pretty good.”
You scooted back so that you could lean against the hard wall beside Miyuki. You stretched your legs out next to his and smoothed out the small wrinkles in your grey skirt.
“I watched your practice game the other day.”
This time, Miyuki opened his eyes to look at you.
He nudged your leg with his and grinned. “You came to watch me play?”
You rolled your eyes with a smile and nudged him back. “I went to watch the team play.”
Miyuki chuckled before glancing away to look at the bright sky.
Not wanting the conversation to end so suddenly, you continued to talk. “Why did you choose to be the catcher?”
“Because, I’m in control.”
You blinked at his reply. For some reason, it didn’t sit well with you. Nervous bubbles boiled in the pit of your stomach. But, you chose to ignore it for now because Miyuki continued.
“It’s fun to play. Besides, I can boss everyone around, haha!”
You let out a small laugh and shook your head. “Ah, so you just wanted to bark out orders. The two years that I’ve known you, I didn’t know you’re a sadist.”
He let out a cheerful laugh before leaning back against the wall again. A smile stretched across your face but the unnerving feeling in your stomach only intensified.
For some reason, to you, Miyuki sounded… sad.
The catcher shoved his hands into his pants’ pocket and took out a small notebook and your blue pencil.
You glanced at your pencil. “You’re using that so much. It’s getting shorter every time I see it. I can’t even see your last name anymore.”
Miyuki smirked and shrugged. “It’s a good pencil. Do you have a sharpener?”
You shifted your legs and gazed up at the slightly cloudy sky. “No.”
The catcher made a noise of understanding before his gaze fell on the dull, short lead. He murmured quietly, “That’s too bad.”
From that day, you’d kept a closer eye on Miyuki. Something told you that ever since the first day the two of you talked, he was hiding something. Not that he lets anyone in anyway, but the voice in the back of your head told you that something just wasn’t right.
Before you knew it, Autumn had arrived.
You watched colorful leaves gracefully fall off of trees only to float to the ground. It was strange; how can something dying be so beautiful at the same time?
Your curious eyes shifted from the large window to the handsome boy sitting in front of you.
Miyuki was watching the autumn leaves falling as well. His chin in the palm of his left hand while he fiddled with your pencil; the object had become incredibly smaller and the lead was short and worn out.
Wait, where did the eraser go? You raised a neat eyebrow; the pink eraser bud had been completely ripped off as if someone did it in anger.
Shrugging off the subtle sickening feeling that settled into the pit of your stomach, you followed Miyuki’s line of vision.
“…” You tapped your pen against your wooden desk. “Do you like Autumn?”
Miyuki glanced back at you from over his broad shoulder. A teasing smile crawled across his handsome face. “It’s fine, but everything dies in this season.”
Your heart squeezed painfully when he looked into your eyes.
The catcher tilted his head innocently. “Why are you looking at me like that? Have you fallen for me?”
The word die resonated in your head like a fresh tattoo. Why would he bring that up? Maybe, you were imaging things but it felt as if Miyuki was subtly suggesting something. For the two years that you had known him, the protective ice around his frozen heart had thawed slightly. But, the voice in the back of your mind told you that Miyuki was hiding something.
You looked deeply into his shining, golden eyes. The eyes that masked everything and convinced everyone that nothing was wrong. He reminded you of a joker; always jesting and hiding behind the make-up that covered his true emotions.
Clearing your thoughts, you played along with Miyuki.
“Haha, something like that.” You teased back and placed your chin in the palm of your hand. “I was thinking of confessing.”
Miyuki cheekily grinned and turned around in his seat. He placed his elbows on your desk and leaned forward, intrigued. “You should confess to me on the school roof then.”
You smiled. “Why not after you win a game? I’ll do it in the dugout or something.”
Miyuki smirked then carelessly shrugged. “The roof seems more fitting for crazy things to happen.” He grabbed your pencil case and took out the red sharpener. He grabbed your abused pencil from his desk and began to sharpen it.
You watched the sharpener greedily devour the, “Z” in Miyuki’s first name.
“If you keep sharpening it, it’ll disappear.” You let out a small chuckle when Miyuki’s lips curved.
He pulled out the incredibly sharp and, now, stubby pencil. He grinned. “I’ll just replace it with a new one. It’s not like you’ll notice the difference.”
You made a noise of understanding and drummed your fingers against your desk. “Unless, it was your favorite one.”
The corner of Miyuki’s lip twitched. “They’re all the same when replaced.”
The catcher sniggered before gazing down at your pencil. He ran his thumb gingerly over his name.
It was silent for a couple of seconds.
You reached over and tenderly brushed your soft fingers against his hand that held your pencil tightly. “Hey, are you okay?”
Miyuki blinked. “Yeah, why?”
Miyuki playfully smirked. “I’m sure, (Name).”
Your hand lingered on over his before you retracted your hand. Miyuki grinned at you before he turned around his seat just as your teacher walked into the classroom. Observing his back, you gnawed the back of your pen nervously.
His smiled didn’t reach his eyes.
“And, that concludes today’s meeting! See you all next week.”
You sighed in relief and shoved back your chair. It was around 5:45 p.m.; your club meeting took longer than you expected. You glanced out the window as you gathered your notebook and pencil case. The sun was setting; the evening light caressed the crisp, autumn leaves on trees and the school ground was dyed orange.
You smiled and waved at your friends. You picked up the new, white pencil that you had bought the other day.
I’ll give this one to Miyuki.
You “hummed” in contentment and twirled the object between your fingers; your free hand pulled out your phone as you walked through the empty hallways.
Your forehead creased upon reading Miyuki’s text.
[I wanted to say goodbye but you’re in a meeting]
“He texted me this five minutes ago.” You typed back.
[My meeting’s done. Where are you?]
An unsettling feeling engulfed your heart while you shoved your phone back into your pocket. Something didn’t feel right.
You thought back to your encounters with Miyuki for the past few days. Recently, he seemed to have taken a liking to the roof; he claimed that the breeze was nice. Your eyebrows furrowed. Before you had entered your club room, you saw Miyuki walk up to the roof. At that time, you were going to call to him but he looked deep in thought.
Miyuki was always in deep thought lately; he could be thinking about his baseball games but that didn’t strike you as the problem. You crossed your arms over your chest and glanced over at the open window. A few dry leaves collected on the windowsill; they were crumbled and brown.
A frustrated sigh escaped from your lips. You were going to figure out what was happening and you were going to do it now.
Miyuki looked tired lately, yes, but he didn’t have practice for the next three days. There were days that he’d stay up late to watch movies or look at stats but this was a different kind of tired.
A nervous tickle ran down your spine.
He was always sharpening the pencil he stole from you. He’d finally worn the damn thing down to the point that it couldn’t be sharpened anymore. Miyuki had sighed in annoyance and scribbled out the remaining letters of his first name this morning. He’d laughed it off but for a brief moment, you caught a spark of bitterness in his golden eyes.
You fidgeted with the pencil in your hand.
Another thing that bothered you is the fact that he’d taken a particular liking to the roof all of a sudden. And, he was always staring down at something as if he’s analyzing how high the building was from the –
Cold sweat ran down your back as your eyes widened in realization. Your throat felt dry and your heart slammed against your rib cage. Everything seemed to slow down as the pencil clattered against the clean floor. The lead broke at the same time you sprinting towards the stairs to the roof.
No, no, no! He can’t be…!
You bolted up the never ending stairs.
The ascending stairway to the roof suddenly felt too long; did it always take you this long to reach the roof? Your breathing became shallow and your heart sped up. Electricity shot through your veins.
You climbed and climbed and climbed. But, it felt as if you were getting nowhere. You raced up the concrete stairs and almost tripped a couple of times.
Finally, finally, you arrived at the roof’s door. Wrenching the metal door open, your heart shot through your chest.
You saw Miyuki; he was climbing the school fence.
Oh my go – he’s going to –
Your eyes widened in utter horror as you quickly rushed to him and gently grabbed his arm.
Miyuki immediately stiffened; he slowly twisted his head around to look at you. His dull, golden eyes shone with despondency. His perfect eyebrows furrowed in anger before he brushed off your arm; he started climbing again.
You grabbed his arm once more, your other hand gently rested on his broad back. “H-hey, what are you doing?”
“Nothing.” He paused from climbing to stare down at the welcoming concrete yard. “I’m busy, (Name). Go away.”
You pleaded as you fought back the tears. “Miyuki, don’t do this.”
“I have to do this.” He looked back at you and nervously gnawed at his bottom lip. “Don’t try to stop me.”
“No, you don’t have to do this. Please, just come down. We can talk.”
“This isn’t your business.” Miyuki tried to shove you away again but you only clung to the back of his shirt. He shuttered before trying to climb the fence again.
“Please.” Your trembling knuckles turned bone white. “This isn’t the answer.”
“I told you, I have to do this.” Miyuki’s grip on the metal fence agonizingly tightened. “Go away. Just pretend you never saw me. I’m just leaving for a while.” He clenched his jaw painfully. “I just need to jump and then…then everything will be okay. There’s no reason for me to stay.”
Oh god, your heart agonizingly wretched.
The setting sun glared at the two of you harshly and sweat trickled down the small of your back. Blood pumped loudly in your ears; your head was spun in complete chaos.
“No, it won’t be okay.” Your hand trembled; your throat tightened. “If you need a reason to stay, I’ll be your reason.” You whispered gently. “We’re going to make. You’re not done, you still have so much to do. Give it one more try.”
Miyuki shook his head and growled at you. “I’m taking matters into my own hands. I don’t belong here.”
He was cloaked in black ink. The invisible chains that chocked him screamed out at you. His back was against the wall; his hands were tied. It seemed as if he couldn’t break free; he was drowning and he couldn’t swim back to the surface.
Your heart shattered at that moment. The pain, the agonizing pain, electrified your entire body. God, it hurt so much to see Miyuki this way.
“You do! You do belong here.” You cooed gently; Miyuki furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re important.”
“I don’t want to weight down anyone with my problems.”
You gnawed at your bottom lip, hot tears threatened to fall. You hoarsely whispered, “Why are you saying that?”
Miyuki swallowed at the same time a cold, aggravating shiver ran down his spine. He looked straight in your eyes with his intense, frightened ones. “Because…because I’m not worth it.”
“Who told you you’re not worth it, huh?” Your grip on the back of his shirt tightened. “I’m here because you are worth it.”
He tried to brush you off and growled in frustration. “The world can go on without me.”
Miyuki looked slightly startled, his grip on the fence tightened to the point that the metal began to cut into his rough skin. His blood seeped through his new wounds and painted the grey fence red. Miyuki looked conflicted as he throatily whispered, “No one will miss me.”
“I’ll miss you.” You chocked back your hot tears. “Do you know how sad I’d be if I don’t see you tomorrow in your seat? I wouldn’t be able to go to your games to see you. I wouldn’t be able to hear your laugh or voice anymore. You make me smile, you make me happy. So, please…please just come down.”
Miyuki’s grip began to tremble. He let out a shaky breath and pressed his forehead against the metal fence. “Don’t…don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying.” Your throat felt dry. “Look me in the eyes and tell me if I’m lying.”
Miyuki furrowed his eyebrows before he slowly craned his head to meet your glossy eyes. His breath hitched before he closed his tired ones. He commanded weakly, “Just…just go.”
It didn’t sound like a demand for you to leave; instead it sounded as if he was pleading for you to stay.
Your heart hammered against your rib cage. “I don’t abandon the ones I love.”
Miyuki felt something inside of him snap.
Something deep in the pit of his stomach broke in half and his raw emotions erupted like an angry volcano. It was strange; he felt cold and hot at the same time. Tiny goosebumps appeared on his creamy skin and hot blood pounded behind his eyes. It felt as if he could only hear his own heartbeat, and god, was it always that loud? Did it always sound so alive? His heart bled like a never ending fountain. His heart squeezed to the point that he thought it might explode from all the pain and warmth he felt at the same time.
Miyuki slowly met your pleading eyes with his blurry vision; and that’s when his whole world stood still. Hell froze over, and time stopped ticking.
“Fuck.” Miyuki shook and squeezed his eyes shut. He hoarsely whispered, “I’m…I’m cold.” He swallowed hard, his grip on the fence weakened as he slouched.
Immediately, you gently placed your hands on his arm and beckoned him. “Come down. You’re almost there.”
Miyuki hesitated but slowly climbed down from the fence.
As soon as he was on the ground, he lost his footing and stumbled back. In an instant, you caught him; then you sunk to your knees along with Miyuki. He was facing you now, but he was avoiding eye contact.
Miyuki looked like an empty shell. He looked shattered; cut open and fragmented.
Anxious, you grabbed his wounded, calloused hand and placed it over your rapidly, pounding heart. Your white shirt dyed red as Miyuki watched you in confusion.
“Look, it’s beating for you.” Miyuki’s hand immediately transformed into a tight fist. You ran your fingers over his bone white knuckles. “You can’t give up.”
Miyuki’s glossed eyes widened slightly as he swallowed the large lump in his throat. He quickly broke eye contact as he murmured. “I didn’t want to be saved.”
You clenched your jaw and placed your hands on his broad shoulders. “That’s not what your eyes were telling me.”
Miyuki looked startled for a second. His eyes were red and watery; his hands shook nervously. He ran his tongue over his dry lips and his free hand fisted the hem of his uniform shirt painfully.
“Look at me.” You tenderly grabbed his exhausted face in your soft hands. His distressed, golden eyes bore into yours. You ran your thumbs over the smooth skin of his cheeks, affectionately.
Miyuki’s hands fisted painfully, drawing more blood from the few cuts that adored his calloused hands.
You ignored the agonizing stab to your bleeding heart when you saw the pain, the loneliness, eating away at Miyuki.
“Yesterday, was the last night, you spent alone. I’m here.” You affectionately pressed your forehead against his. “Please, never surrender. When the darkness comes, I’ll wrap my arms around you. I won’t let go.” You hastily dragged him into a tight hug; one hand wrapped around his broad back while the other pushed his face into the nape of your warm neck. “I won’t let you go.”
Miyuki shivered as tiny goosebumps appeared on his smooth skin. He quickly responded to your affection by wrapped his strong arms around your body. One arm enveloped your waist, the other bounded around your shoulders. Miyuki gripped your shirt tightly in desperation as if you were the last thing holding him together.
He breathed in your soothing scent, and fuck, his heart trembled from anxiety. You were so comforting, so warm and the love that engulfed his entire being couldn’t be compared to anything. He’d never let anyone in before; he tried hard to fool everyone. But he couldn’t fool you, and god, he’d never been happier in his entire life.
“I’m tired, (Name).” He pushed his head into your skin, desperate for comfort. “So, tired.”
Your trembling heart slammed against your rib cage. You murmured. “You must have been so alone. It must have been so hard and lonely. I’m sorry for taking too long.” You squeezed him close; you could feel his rapid heartbeat against your chest. “I’m so sorry.”
Miyuki’s heart shattered.
It came so suddenly – the feeling of something warm and wet trickling down the nape of your neck.
You shuttered, a few of your own hot tears ran down the apples of your cheeks. Your face felt warm and your head spun.
“You’re warm.” Miyuki throatily breathed into your skin, he held you tighter. His voice was raw, “Really, really warm.”
You didn’t know if it was physically possible to bring Miyuki any closer to your body at this point. But you tried, you tried with every fiber in your body, every shard of your shattered soul, to let him know that you weren’t going to leave him alone. You squeezed him causing him to respond immediately. He gripped you tighter, so tight that it was agonizingly bone crushing.
As long as he was here, you didn’t care what pain you had to endure. No words could express what you were feeling. Content, relieved? No, not even close to the unbearable ecstasy that pulsed through your entire body. Miyuki was here. He was alive.
The setting sun kissed your back and heat blossomed through your entire body. A comforting breeze blew by in the calm silence that settled between the two of you.
Your soothing heartbeat synchronized with Miyuki’s and your breathing matched his. He shuttered softly and pressed his moist face in the crook of your neck.
Miyuki hoarsely whispered against your warm skin. “Am I… going to be okay?”
“Yes.” You let out a shaky breath and ran your fingers through Miyuki’s soft hair. “It’s okay, you’re okay. Hush, just breathe.” You rubbed his back soothingly and pressed your face against his head. “You’re going to be okay.”
stormborns
theartofmadeline
prguitarman
gamechangershow
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
amandla
izzy806
