A gay thing I did today 8/17/2020
"Here." With a sound, I took the sticky oak-colored smoke from Ryker and cleared my lungs so I could take a good puff. He smiled and watched as I took the slowest drag possible, waiting for the tip to light up properly and my lungs to take in as much sweet, murky air as I could before it burned and I started coughing. Confidently, I stopped inhaling and held the joint away as I blew a steady and beautiful cloud out over the stream and greenery beneath the viewing deck we stood on. "Good job!" "Hehe, thanks! I'm getting a lot better at like, handling my high." "You're still a lightweight." "You're still a lightweight. No I'm not." I muttered this and offered it to him, but Ryker held up his hand and looked out over the forest. "You can keep hitting it til you're done." "Mm.." I thought for a moment and decided I did want to keep smoking, but after I had settled with my last hit.
"What?" "I asked how you were feeling." "Oh." I wasn't paying attention and only realized that Virgil had been talking to me because his eyes had flashed. I was distracted enough by the heat, the setting sun, and how awkward I felt. Between military duties, university duties, and my family, I didn't consciously know that you could smoke outside of your bedroom or into a scent-destroying vent. With a controlled sigh, or deep and proud exhale, I smiled at Virgil. "I feel great. I'm having a good time." "Good!" As if he were waiting on my opinion, Virgil immediately smiled at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. His pink cheeks stretched to fit his smile in and his eyes flashed again as he steadied himself to take another hit. Honestly, the way he took huge efforts to control himself and do tasks made me think he had some kind of disorder that he wasn't aware of. But it was cute how he was excited and redirecting himself. With one hand stuck straight up into his hair and pushing it out of his eyes, he held the joint to his lips and leaned his head back to suck. I let my eyes linger on his process while it happened, noticing that his lips were just the tiniest bit wet. Healthy and shimmery. "Hey." I took a step closer as he was exhaling, reaching for the smoke in his hand. Looking for all the world like he were caught in a dream, Virgil smiled at me and slid the joint into my hand. His fingers held in my palm for a second before he set his arms on the railing like a kid at the docks, his cheeks red from the effort of breathing. I laughed at him, but did the same and took a drag. Nothing heavy, but enough to secure my high for another 30 minutes before I went up or down. I could feel a creeping warmness around my throat sliding over my shoulders, like I were getting comfortable in bed. "I really like the flavor. It makes me like, both really happy and really awake. I don't really feel tired at all." Virgil laughed, then yawned and started laughing harder. I laughed too. "It's pretty good, yeah. I've been smoking it before I leave for work because it helps with mood." I paused and gave it to Virgil, but he just smiled and nodded. I swallowed and kept going. "I'm gonna leave for Eastern Alexander soon. There's an area up for dispute and it's my group that they're asking for reinforcements from." "Oh no. Ryker.." He started to pout and I gave him a curious smile. "Why're you upset?" "Well! Um.." Virgil looked at me and I could see his eyes becoming shimmery immediately. He started speaking, but I swallowed and tried not to make him feel sad. "I mean, is it okay? You'll be fighting outside of the capital. Fighting so far from here.." "It'll be fine. I just wanted to tell you because my weed won't stay good until I'm back. If you want to buy it from me." "Oh! Of course!" Looking very surprised, he went back to his giant smile. "How long do you think you'll be gone?" "Not long. I studied the opposing group and we can clear up their forces in a week." "All right! Stay safe while you're there, Ryker." With deep seriousness, he pursed his lips and looked up at me. My heart skipped a beat again as I saw his eyes shimmering again. "I'll be fine, I promise." I laughed, a little nervously. I watched as he shook a little and looked at the joint in his hands, wondering what to do with himself. I offered to take it and when he passed it into my hands, I opened my arms and smiled at him. With a look of surprise, he was already hugging me and making sad sounds. I started laughing more and hugged him back. "Are you crying, Virgil?"
"No! Well, yes but just, it's because I'm really high and you're going to a disputed area, Ryker!" I could feel my chest heaving with the effort to breathe and not lose myself in the weird dark clouds that seemed to lie just outside the sunny reality I was in. I hugged Ryker tighter because of how scared I was that he wasn't taking this seriously. "It's not like how the disputes are here. You could die, Ryker. And I like, don't want you to." I laughed and let my head sink lower, feeling desperate as the excitement left my body. But, I felt Ryker's hold staying just as steady even though I was aware of what I was doing again. "I'm going to be fine. This isn't my first time handling a situation outside the capital." On instinct, I could feel myself preparing to dispute this, but I felt him move his arms lower down my back. "Look at me." I looked up and saw him smiling with an edge. He wasn't laughing at me, he looked awkward. "I'm going to be fine. It's not even an outside army, it really isn't that serious, all right?" "Okay." I wasn't convinced, but I couldn't really argue back. In fact, I hadn't even heard what he said. My eyes started streaming tears before I could control them and the best I could do to stop myself was cover my mouth before any horrible sounds came out. I wanted to apologize, but I was too high and some weird emotion was coming out stronger and before I could get a handle on it. I moved to step away from him and bring all of this back down, but Ryker tilted his head a little and gave me a soft smile. With a hand holding me by the small of my back, he peeled my fingers back from my mouth and my crying slowed down in distraction. "Virgil, stop crying." He kept waiting with a smile until I awkwardly smiled back. Ryker didn't smile back at me, but I noticed that he was holding my fingers up and immediately my face started to burn. With ashy blonde hair falling over his face, Ryker's eyes looked particularly dark and focused, and the proximity I had to them was making it difficult to breathe. As my lungs started to seize up from the negative pressure, I moved free hand to his face and smiled more confidently. "I'm not crying, Ryker." Instantly, I could feel my face becoming warm with fresh tears to match how warm Ryker's mouth felt. He was leaning in and forcing me to either fall back or rely on him for support, all the while I could feel the initial moment of him kissing me coming to an end, the vacuum behind his lips emptying the air behind mine. But the moment kept going, crawling, the movement developing over what felt like minutes instead of seconds. Behind me, his hands were hesitating, offering me the space to move backwards and stand on my own. A soft nose and forehead tapped me before he pulled his head back. My hand under his ear didn't let him move too far away from me and I could feel both of us breathing and checking in with ourselves. "Uh, so.." "Haha, so.." With that same awkwardness, Ryker looked into my eyes and I had to blink to keep his hair from getting in them. He looked a little scared, worried, ashamed. I smiled and let my lips plop apart, so he knew I was going to kiss him again. He didn't move to kiss me as I found a place under his cheekbone to peck, stroking the other one with my thumb.
"I won't cry anymore." I stood back up, letting Virgil stand on his own. I smiled and got lost in how soft his hands were. I didn't know how rough mine felt in comparison, but the back of his left hand felt like velvet. My cheeks felt funny, tingly, when Virgil's cheeks suddenly got red and his eyes flashed to the joint that had been left on the deck floor. With a hesitant "U-um!", he bent down to grab it with his free hand, pinching my hand with his thumb so I couldn't just drop it. "Should we finish this i-inside?" I laughed and shrugged. "No one's around to judge you for crying. We can finish it, if you want to." "No, Ryker. I'm okay to go inside now." He looked embarrassed and for as much as he held onto my hand, his other hand looked like it was trying to yank it out of my grasp. The joint was out, so I used that hand to take it from Virgil and started walking back to my loft. "All right."
