State of Being Joann

I'm back. Maybe.

[essivejoann]

You know how people’s pupils dilate when they see someone they love?

Well, you can’t see the whites of a dog's eyes because their pupils are dilated so much because they love everything.

[essivejoann]

Pain

I learned a few days ago in chemistry that weak analgesics( i.e. painkillers) work by blocking the chemical prostaglandin- produced at the site of the injury- from traveling to your brain and signaling that you are hurting. Opiates work similarly, but are considered strong analgesics and basically block the pain signals in the brain. Opiates can block emotional pain too by messing with the chemicals in your brain, but can be addicting. 

I want to calm this emotional pain, but have no means to do it, I cry and cry, but no hope is offered. Sometimes I feel numb, but it’s not much better than the pain. I wish there was a way to stop all of this- just to simply not exist. I don’t mean killing myself, but more of a disappearance.

[essivejoann]

Death

I am the oldest I have ever been.

I know the most that I ever have in my life so far.

People always say that suicide is not okay to do because people in your life will miss you.

Yes that is true, but most forget you and the pain eventually goes away for most close people.

When my friend passed away, It hurt me a lot. I saw it affected others too. But most people aren’t truly affected unless they talked to the person everyday. 

My friend was a hero for many people. I just see it as unfair because she didn’t deserve this pain.

The day she died, I couldn’t believe it; how could she be there one moment and gone the next? The ones closest to her were crying, the ones who weren’t were like, “oh this is very sad and unfortunate. Now let’s move on with our day.”

Her parent were hurting the most and her mom still can’t handle it. Her sister seems fine everyday and can laugh, but I don’t know how to act around her. A few weeks pass after her death and my friends are still somber while talking at lunch. Those who don’t know her already forget about her. Fast forward six months and everyone is cheerful. I still remember her almost everyday, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. I just don’t really feel anything when I think of her. I do still cry when I listen to her favorite songs or rarely, breakout in tears for no reason over her. Her parents are still the same as before.

A person’s death may hurt at first, but doesn’t anymore after awhile. The people that really are affected are your parents. 

I’m not exactly saying dying is okay, but if that was the path for me, I wouldn’t worry too much over hurting others- as I did before. 

[essivejoann]

How do I heal?

Background Photo-  Lukas Budimaier Artistic Decisions and Quote- Me

[essivejoann]

I really hate myself right now. I feel like I can't do anything right and feel like I'm becoming stupider. I want to escape from this life. I'm already tired of my life even though I only been living for 16 years.

[essivejoann]

Math.

After a long day, this is my thought while working on math homework at 10:30P.M. with one hour of math done previously: I DON’T FREAKING CARE HOW MUCH HANDY ANDY’S SELLS MILK FOR A GALLON AND HALF GALLON. JUST F YOU TEXTBOOK. All I want right now is to sleep and I won’t be able to do that until 12A.M.

[essivejoann]

Object Gender

Chem Teacher: Let's take a look at this guy. *takes out worksheet*

Me: *whispers* Paper is genderless... it is just an object.

[essivejoann]

what sexual orientation do you identify as?

I identify as straight, but you and I can still be friends if you want to get to know me. If you make bad puns and jokes, we can get along just great.

[essivejoann]

"Art is never finished, only abandoned." -Leonardo Da Vinci

[essivejoann]

I’m 16 today, meaning I am another day closer to death. I still don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. It’s only two more years until I’m an official adult and the world wants me to choose one of the most important thing I will do in my life and be all responsible, but that’s not how reality works. We don’t know what we are doing on this earth and what our purpose is even on the day we die. Everything use to be so much easier when we were children. Happy Birthday to me.

[essivejoann]

my thoughts during a cross country race

shit i can't keep this pace

how did i not hit 2 miles yet

i'm willing to pretend to puke here

i'm willing to fall and scrape my knees here

wow i have a pretty sick mind

what's wrong with me

i shouldn't have sprinted up that hill

pain is temporary...but not temporary enough

ONE MORE MILE

a mile's kind of far...

[essivejoann]

When students cheat on exams it's because our school system values grades more than students value learning.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

[essivejoann]

Stars

Have you ever seen the night sky ever so clear?

I have. Going back to America, I looked out the window and saw them. The stars hung over the vast expanse of midnight clouds. They were beautiful. Ursa major was right there in front of me. The celestial heavens have never been so know to me before now.

[essivejoann]

New url: EssivePhantasm

If you are freaking out about seeing who this random person you didn't think you followed on your dash, then don't worry because my url use to be Joannsconfessions. So yeah, I'm Joann and decided to change my url because my old one didn't feel right. Essive phantasm: indicating a temporary state of being illusory of whimsical notion.

[essivejoann]

Oh gosh not. Why is this happening? I just read that Studio Ghibli is taking a break in production due to the retirement of Hayao Miyazaki. Is the world coming to an end? What is happening? This is very precious to me since I grew up loving what they make. Why?!?!?!?

[essivejoann]

r u foolin' me

This isn’t about me, is it? I know your real feelings. It’s okay pan tostado because everything will be alright.

[essivejoann]

hi jo its me ur conscience

Hello. B-but I don’t have a conscience… I made sure that it was long gone years ago. You sure you aren't just Jiminy Cricket mistaking me for Pinocchio?