Ever since we killed Caesar and prepared for war with Cassius it has been a hectic mess. But working late nights had a benefit, when Cassius and I would work to unknown hours in the night, I would notice the face he makes when he concentrates, the groan he lets out when he is frustrated for whatever is upon us. I could also see something else in Cassius, he was scared, but he would never let this be known. Every distant stare was filled with guilt, as is he was trying to keep something suppressed, most likely from committing treason and preparing to battle in a civil war with no way of ensuring survival all because of a random act of anarchy.
Is he questioning whether it was all worth it or not? I know he has a temper like his mothers, what if his plan to ‘purge’ Caesar was just a mere temper tantrum we have received unnecessary consequences. I was conversing with Titinius earlier this evening about Cassius, he advised me, “ Brutus my friend, I’ve seen you yearn for him, and he’s right in front of you.” I really took what he said to heart and began plotting how to express my feelings when I should be plotting against Antony and Octavius, but I guess I have always had a knowing feeling that after this battle I will never see him again.
I begin to pace back and forth in my tent thinking about every lingering glance, and subtle touches and how if we aren’t the victors of this battle we will never return home, to each other. I speed walk to the tent Cassius is occupying, mentally going through every word repeatedly. I want this moment to be perfect, memorable. My nerves are shaking so hard I’m practically jumping out of my sandals. I finally approach the tent and stand there for a solid 4 minutes before I could muster up the courage to go inside, the first thing I see is Cassius pacing around looking flustered.
The air in the room was thick, no one dared to move. Cassius was staring at Brutus as Brutus was staring back at him, pondering whether or not the other is going to make the first move. I clear my throat, “My dear Caius I must confess, you are my northern star, you are what I want to follow.” Cassius’ face was unreadable, but I could see he was processing what I said
“My loneliness is killing me, I must confess, when I’m not with you I lose my mind, give me a sign”. Cassius laid his hand on my cheek, I leaned my head in his palm. Without using words Cassius was telling me where his heart lied. He looked at me fondly, his eyes gleaming with pride, I could see he was overjoyed with my actions. I wrapped my arms around Cassius, burying my head deep into the crook of his neck. Cassius’ arms were wrapped around my body as if he was holding on to me for dear life, like he’s afraid it’s not real or it’s a dream.
Tomorrow we head into battle, our fates completely unknown, but right now, we are making our own fate. “Brutus, oh my dear Brutus, you fill my heart with such admiration.” In the dimly, candle lit tent, the night before a battle that will determine our lives. The electricity in the air was high. We forgot about everything, the fighting, Caesar, the oncoming civil war, it was as if we were in a third space. Neither here nor there, just in a place where I, Brutus, and my love, Cassius can be together.
The next day, as we prepare for battle we begin to say our goodbyes. It is a bit past dawn and we are still in Cassius’ tent. The conversation began to go south when Cassius began speak of the inevitable. “Brutus, we must-“ I cut him off. “I know what you’re about to say and as hard as it is for me to admit it, if we are not together again at the end of the day, if I or you are killed, or perhaps both, then I hope to see you again, in the afterlife because then we can be together and at peace, so if I die today, just know that I’ll be oka-”. Now I am the one being cut off, Cassius presses his lips against mine, this was his goodbye. This was his way of saying “see you later, dead or alive”.
It is nearing midday and we are preparing for the fight of our lives. After a brief but hostile meeting with Antony and Octavius, Cassius begins to say another final goodbye, I can see in his eyes he’s trying to be brave, but he is still scared, I worry about the toll this is all taking on him.
We part and I wish we hadn’t because when I return I find Cassius dead. I feel as if I am being gutted and I become completely numb. I no longer care about finishing this fight, I just lost the love of my life, It’s getting hard to think straight let alone lead an army, especially without Cassius. I reflect on what the ghost of Caesar told me, I didn’t understand what he meant that I would see him at Philippi, but now I know. I was not meant to win this war, it is time to make amends for the blood I spilled, and right my wrongs. I ask anyone to just kill me but I am just surrounded by loyal friends and soldiers, that’s at least comforting. Finally Strato agrees to hold the sword.
My love, Cassius, I just want you to know where ever you are, that my very last thought is you. I promise I’ll see you again, wherever that might be. Hell, Valhalla, the underworld, or even an infinite void. Whatever I may face in the afterlife, I won’t rest until my soul is reunited with yours. For my soul belongs to you. I don’t know when it happened, where it all changed, but somewhere along this insane train of chaos, my heart stopped belonging to Rome, but started belonging to Cassius also. I will die with a smile on my face because at least it means there’s something to die fighting for, my love for him.
-dies-.
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