Scattered Thoughts and Jumbled Words

Evan | 33 | Scorpio Gay | Neurodivergent | Gamer Welcome to my mental space

[expressions-of-nature]

Klevan’ Ukraine by Sergey Polyushko

[etcrump]

Another thought dump bc I don’t know who to talk to but it’s so interesting finally getting to a happy mental space and being ripped from it. Well idk if it’s that dramatic, at least yet. I’ve been prepping myself of this answer for a while but a month long interview process for a full time role of the temp role I have been working for months has unfortunately not worked out. The role was a stretch for me to fill with plenty of new but familiar territory to the work I do now included. Reading that in applying had me doubtful from the start. But the interview process kinda gave me some hope. I don’t feel I was lead on, but it stings a bit knowing I had built a great relationship with a few people including my boss who delivered this news to me. The commute was the most convenient I’ve ever had, the office was new and quite with a culture of hybrid working, plenty of snacks and other staff amenities to take advantage of when I have needed to be in, but working remotely from home like 75% of this role. That last part might not have continued the same in the full time role if I was selected, but there’s no use in that. I also had been wondering when my temp contract was going to be up and knew it was nearing the end, so I will be looking for new work in the coming couple of weeks. Thankfully I have some new references I guess and my temp agency is quick at finding new gigs. I just hope I can get another long term contract. Preferably remote, but I’ll do hybrid. I need at least $20+ an hour. I believe this current one has been $23. Thankfully have my insurance continued through the temp agency and not tied to the employer I’m leaving. Feeling kinda numb I guess now. I have a big ol gay weekend with my partner and friends to celebrate the long labor day weekend and I’m ready to party and not think about all this until Tuesday of next week. Gotta think about all the things I need to return to the office. Anyway, done stream of consciousness rambling now

[etcrump]

Kinda spiraling. I am about to go to an appt my bf set up for us thinking it’s only a consultation but this is apparently a cosmetic and dentistry practice and was told we’d likely get Botox today and idk why that’s freaking me out so much. Maybe solely from feeling a little blindsided by what all my bf has signed us up for. Might also be just the notion of not liking to be perceived and I’m about to be going into an appt where someone tells me what’s wrong with my face beyond the shame I usually get when going to the dentist. Just gonna be a bawl of anxiety until it’s over

[theclassyissue]

[etcrump]

A little over a year and a half ago I injured my arm and had subsequent neck/arm nerve pain that left me quite sedentary for a few months. I’m needing something to preoccupy my mind/time, I got back into drawing again. Initially drawing several psyduck poses for a still life project I’ve never finished, I started drawing random Pokémon using spite, tcg, and random artist work as inspiration. Fast forward to September of this year, after sketching, coloring, and painting 50+ different Pokémon, I decided to challenge myself with a color series; selecting 6, still random, Pokémon related to each other through color. I’ve finished the primary color pages and plan to continue through the rainbow. Unsure if I will do pink, black, white, and brown pages, but will be focusing on green, orange, and purple pages next.

[etcrump]

The last two nights by partner has complained that I haven’t been speaking much to them in the last couple of days… I haven’t felt anything has been different. I’ve had conversations with him the whole day. We just got back from a week long trip together and we are known to relax by doing parallel play. Well for as much as he feels ignored, he has a horrible habit of blasting TikTok’s, a podcast, and or drowning himself in Reddit threads and when I attempt at talking he always shushes me and says he can’t focus on me and whatever he is doing, so I stay quiet and move on… he wonders why I chose not to speak sometimes. My whole life has been full of people who care not to listen to my ramblings, so I’m used to it. I’ll just stay to myself like always

[etcrump]

I have my first therapy session in a few minutes and am so anxious waiting for it to start. I keep feeling the need to use the bathroom but don’t really need to go. Unsure how it flows and what to share but know this first appointment is going to be more of a getting to know/onboarding kinda session. Made notes and other reassuring comments to myself but the only way I’m getting passed these feelings now is for it to finally start

[etcrump]

I have always had a hard time making friends and maintaining friendships with people. I am a gay male that has recently learned I am adhd and possibly autistic as well, but my whole life I have had difficulty in firmly establishing friendships without people flirting and wanting to make something more out of a relationship I am totally fine with staying as friends. I have had numerous female friends before I came out make advances on me and have been taken advantage of by both women and men because I have a hard time setting boundaries while maintaining what I believe to be a friendship. While trying to make friends in college my cast of a show I was in behind my back orchestrated me and this one girl I was friends with I didn’t know was crushing on me to sit together on a loveseat at a party together and then she started to aggressively make out with me while all of the cast came in to watch. And then attempting to make friends in the gay community years later, I was intoxicated and just needed a place to crash and a guy I had just met offered me to crash in his bed. I at first was consenting to what turned into a sexual moment but when I was too exhausted to contribute and asked if we could just sleep the guy continued to fuck me and I remember going numb and wished for the moment to be over so that I could finally sleep but also get out as quickly as I could. Since those moments I’ve been a bit more diligent in making sure I don’t end up in situations like that again but it’s caused so much stress and anxiety just interacting with gay people. I started a new job and went out for food and drinks with a coworker I was hoping to make friends with and halfway through our dinner they ask me if we were on a date… I have friends that constantly send only fans and Instagrams of men they are ogling at and making jokes about jacking off to this and that person and another friend accosting a man walking down the street the other day. Going out to gay spaces I’ve been physically harassed and followed by men who don’t know when to stop interacting with me. Even just the flirty look up and down I get occasionally while out at what should be a safe space for queer people feels so degrading and weird and makes me want to leave more than interact with the people giving me eyes and looking at me as meat instead of as a person. Idk what to do about any of this but needed to get these thoughts out. It’s been an issue for a long time and speaking with my partner this morning about it all felt nice having someone finally reciprocate these thoughts and emotions I’m feeling but it was difficult getting across because they thought this was more of a discussion on me telling him to police our friends and his behavior more so than just verbalizing this is a larger community problem I’ve had and that this is all valid and nothing to do with my body image or anything like that. Just wanting to be respected as a person and wishing I could interact in a space without feeling preyed upon all the time.

[etcrump]

I’m beyond tired of trying to make friends with and maintain friendships with gay/queer men. It’s always been a huge issue for me to make friendships with people in general that don’t involve someone trying to flirt or make something more out of the whole relationship than I’m looking for but once you do have established friendships you still are asked even when committed to a partner if you are open and or expected to play along in ogling other men and it makes me feel broken because I don’t think about sex 24/7. Am I the fucked up one or my neighborhood friend the other day accosting a random man on the street while we were sitting on a street facing patio at a bar? I shutdown and said so few words the rest of that interaction but that’s just one example. It hurts lately with a group chat my partner is in that he and our friends constantly are sharing instas and only fans of men they find attractive. The friends have even started a gag that my partner must be fapping it when he sends images of random men to the group and I never react or comment bc it makes me uncomfortable

[etcrump]

I’m trying out a tolerance break and it could not be a weirder week. Initially experienced loss of appetite but I think that’s coming back slowly, but my anxiety has been through the roof. From that my neck and shoulder rotator cuff issue from last year is flailing up again and now I’m having to worse time trying to sleep. Along with the neck and shoulder aches, I’m having the worse case of night sweats and trying to remedy any of it feels like I’m keeping my bf awake, which doubles down onto my guilt shame anxiety neck pain night sweats loop I’m stuck in. Looking forward to the end of this break.

Wish me luck getting to sleep

[datable]

[clair-audients]

[bookpdf]

not being productive or relaxing but a secret third thing

[underwaterfraulein]

[etcrump]

Why do I put so much time and energy into relationships with people that don’t give me anything back? Thinking a lot lately on a friend that never gives back the same effort to our friendship and instead always has time for someone who hurt me badly. Seeing them with that person honestly hurts a lot. I’ve my own issues I’m working on regarding betrayal and social anxiety and I know my friend also has their own demons too, but it’s been years of this behavior even retaining a friendship with this person through countless occurrences where that person showed their true colors and ugliness, yet they still are so tight. Be friends who whoever you want I guess, but so much time and energy to this person seems ridiculous. If they care, they will reach out some day and if I never hear from them again despite a group chat message, rando social media posts, and maybe a forced interaction, I’ll probably resign this friendship to an acquaintanceship and work on releasing these emotions I feel on never being chosen over someone who hurt me.

[etcrump]

I have no clue what I’m doing with my life. Not that anyone does, but I put in my resignation for work today and I’m feeling so invigorated. I finally reached out to a Dr I was referred to last week, and technically almost a year ago for the same issue, and also paid a parking ticket, and feeling really motivated and productive rn. An ADHD miracle getting through anything lately and tbh I’m gonna attribute those small things to a larger weight I’m feeling come off me. There’s still a lot of work ahead in my job and I’m looking to make sure I don’t leave them in a bad scenario, but end of October I am both turning 30 and ending this awful job experience. Onward to new and exciting stuff, whatever the fuck that might be

[etcrump]

Nothing like your employer sending you a gift from a flower company to show their condolences for me losing my grandpa that turns out to not be a flower arrangement but a bunch of balloons that say “Happy Birthday” while you’ve been seriously thinking about quitting your job to truly help you know it might be time to leave this job…

[etcrump]

My grandpa passed this morning. Kinda feeling like family is way more important than my job rn and may quit this week. Wanna be able to help in anyway needed