Fake Job Ads

Fake ads for fake jobs

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#99 Get Me A Billion Twitter Followers

That's right, one billion followers.

I'd insert a Dr. Evil gif right here but I'm bad at technology. That's why I need your help to make me popular on Twitter.

They don't have to be real people. But if you give me bots, they need to be called things like Robot McEntire, not lame handles like Jesse the Botty Ventura. If you don't understand why the first is a good name and the second is not, maybe you should be getting someone else fake Twitter followers. And if you dare call any of them ghgtrfsedsggtef or Miley Cyborg, I will do everything within my power to ban you from the internet.

Once you get me a billion followers, I will pay you a billion hundred-thousandths of a penny. Plus gratitude. And if I get any attention before all the followers vanish I might follow your account. But none of this applies if you give any of the accounts stupid names like Botney Spears. Look how stupid that looks.

Don't let me down.

-This is a fake job

-This is an illegal job

-I hardly even use Twitter

[ethanmawyer-blog]

100 posts! Not 100 official posts, but I get this ribbon so I'm posting. Maybe this'll get me an ounce of attention.

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#98 Marketing Associate for Stupidectomies

Lots of people are stupid. For many reasons.

Sometimes they're stupid because they believe in a certain religion. Sometimes they're stupid because they don't believe in that same religion. The same concept applies to liking sports teams, political stances, musical preferences, and several other examples which you should be able to come up with yourself.

As long as you're not stupid.

Point is, stupidity is everywhere. But it doesn't have to be. Because two doctors, working with a mom, recently came up with a radical procedure which isolates the brain cells which make a person stupid and removes those brain cells. This has met some criticism from lawmakers and family members and others, but those people are stupid and therefore prime candidates for the procedure.

As a marketing associate, you will be tasked to sell the procedure to those who want to gift it upon another, or those who want to have it done on themselves. More info will be given during the live interview.

You'll get 10% commission on every procedure, which will be a good amount of money. Therefore, if you're any good at sales, you'll jump at this opportunity.

Unless you're stupid.

-This is a fake job

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#97 Root Removers

When its root is cut, a weed cannot grow. When a weed cannot grow, it cannot strangle a beautiful flower. In this instance, the weeds are especially insidious, which means the flowers at risk are extremely beautiful. And the root requiring removal is money.

This root should be removed from three metaphorical weeds, all of which are evil. The first is the bank. Pretty much any bank. Their evil has been demonstrated by their profiting through fees levied upon those who can least afford them, and gambling with the public money then asking taxpayers to pick up the tab if the banks mess up. To combat such evil, you must repeatedly remove the root of the banks until that week can no longer strangle the beautiful flower that is the people.

The second weed is bodegas. Any bodega, really. They are evil because they sell cigarettes, alcohol, and delicious snacks at such reasonable prices that I - I mean other people weaker than myself -cannot help but by them. Keep removing the root from the bodega weed, and it will no longer be able to strangle the beautiful flowers that are  people's lungs, livers, and teeth.

The third, and worst weed is this guy's house. This guy, who I cannot even mention by name, uses his weed of a house to keep a beautiful woman with whom I once was close, and she cannot even leave except when she wants to. She might say she left me because I drank too much, smoked too much, ate too much, and am insane, but that's just the houseweed's influence. Remove all the money from the house and/or its owner, and the beautiful flower that is Diane will be able to grow free once again. Also, this weed is less heavily guarded than the others, so I would recommend making it a priority.

I will not pay you for your service, but you will be able to keep all the roots that you obtain. Good deal, right?

-This is a fake job

-this is a dangerous job

-this is an illegal job

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#96 Taze The Police

As everyone who took Joe Lhota's "bad old days" ad seriously knows, Mayor-Elect Bill DeBlasio hates the police. One could say* that Ice Cube and Dr. Dre had more love for the police in their younger days than DeBlasio does now. As evidenced by Mumbles McFarehike's controversial campaign footage, Mr. DeBlasio wants to not only guarantee police officers treat citizens with respect, but absolutely cripple the police force so that crime runs rampant throughout the city once again.

And that won't be easy. Widespread crack addiction, high levels of desperate poverty, crumbling infrastructure, and the influx of big-time gangsters don't happen overnight. Especially when most of Mr. DeBlasio's agenda will focus on improving quality of life for most of the city. So, to meet the challenge, there must be no police whatsoever.

That's where you come in. While the police can't be outright fired, they can be coerced to quit, and while the bureaucratic red tape required to hire replacements is very slowly being dealt with, chaos can take hold. And you can help make it happen by tazing the police. Taze them in the legs, or the rear end, until they give up and quit. What else are they going to do? Shoot you and risk lawsuits for excessive force and even wrongful death? Of course not. Taze their butts until they run away, and if they try to arrest you then taze them again. After this has happened to a few of them, the rest will get the message and there will be no more police.

You will not be paid outright for assaulting police officers, but when the looting begins you should be one of the first aware of it and thus able to take your share of the spoils. Plus, when DeBlasio and the newly arrived druglords light their celebratory bongfire, you'll get a sweet contact high.

If this sounds like a good idea to you, start tazing cops the minute DeBlasio takes office.

*One can say it, but one would be incorrect

-This is a fake job

-This is a dangerous job

-This is a non-paying job

-No, it is NOT okay to share this job with anyone who might take it seriously. You can't go around tazing police officers. If you do, then you'll end up in jail for assault if you're lucky. Seriously, don't do it. 

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#95 Seeking Sorcerers to Change Back Giraffes

In an Ionesco-esque turn of events, many people have recently turned into giraffes after incorrectly answering a riddle. While some reverted to humanity at the end of the weekend, many are still giraffes more than a week later, which is quite problematic.

Our company has endured significant damages from giraffe employees breaking keyboards and sometimes entire computers. It's also rather inconvenient when they try to type and fall on the floor. We've also had issues with them becoming agitated due to the lack of trees in the building, thus severely limiting their dining options, and nothing good comes of them attempting to consume the fake plastic variety. They can't open doors, and have you ever tried riding an elevator with one? It's terrifying. Also, most importantly, they don't do any actual work.

Although they're far from ideal employees, we can't fire them for fear of lawsuits and kicks in the head. So we need them changed into their original selves. Therefore, if you are a wizard, witch, warlock, sorcerer, or other practitioner of real magic, we need you. If you can do it by playing Super Mario Brothers 3, that's also fine. Whatever. It's even okay if you're not currently employed. As long as we get humans working for us again. And we'll pay. Really well.  We wouldn't want to cheat you and get turned into newts, ha-ha.

These giraffes are driving us crazy. Please help. 

*this is a fake job

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#94 Find the Next Pope

There have been multiple fake job ads out there soliciting the next pope. Those are, of course, sillier than the papal head covering. Everyone knows, or should know, that the Pope has to be a cardinal at the time of selection, and probably can't be an actual bird since Latin is hard enough for humans. The traditional method is out of the question, since everyone paying any attention to The Truth knows smoking is a bad thing, so job described below will be required to fill the void.

As a PontiffLocator, you will be required to purchase a Nissan Popefinder. If you cannot find the model in question, just buy something similar and slap new letters on the logo where necessary, and don't worry about whether we have a commission deal with the aforementioned car company. Your only concern should be driving down to Jupiter, Florida, which is where the Cardinals will be in the near future, then selecting a papal candidate from qualified athletes.

To apply, let us know which of the following three would make the best pope, and why:

Chris Carpenter - Shares a name with the profession of Jesus and, like most popes, is old. Also, shouldn't be playing baseball this season. 

David Freese - Last name sounds like a type of art found in the Vatican, and also like the reception popes are likely to receive among the more liberal factions of humanity.

Yadier Molina - The next Pope will likely need to defend against accusations of human rights allegations, and few in baseball are better defenders than Molina. Also, most likely to be Catholic. We didn't check, that's your job.

We look forward to your prompt responses.

- Compensation: Nothing, unless your pope gets picked. Then you get whatever share of the papal treasure your nominee decides to give you.

- No, it is NOT ok to highlight this job for the College of Cardinals

- This is a silly job

- This is a fake job 

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#93 Seeking Gun Confiscators

As everybody knows, the United States Government's top priority is to take away the guns of every law-abiding citizen and sell them to North Korea or PETA. It is less well-known that ordinary Americans are needed to carry out this job. The police are too busy dealing with violent criminals and nonviolent protesters, and soldiers are far too patriotic to support the elected government over quasi-constitutional gun rights, so the opportunity falls to people like you. Rejoice at your good fortune, then read on.

As a gun confiscator, you will travel from home to home searching and seizing guns without a warrant, which is realistic because government officials will never lose their jobs over implementing such flagrantly unconstitutional policies. Armed with a hammer, which is at least as dangerous as a gun, you will ring doorbells and ask residents if they have any guns to give to you. If they say no, they are telling the truth because gun owners are always honest and would never lie about such things. If they say they do and freely give the guns away, get out of there before they change their mind. If they shoot you, they obviously have a gun, so try to maintain consciousness until reaching the shooter, whom you must strike with your hammer until the gun is in your possession. You should also pray the bullet did not strike anywhere life-threatening, as health insurance is not offered until 6 months of employment have been completed.

Pay is $15 per gun confiscated, with checks issued every two weeks as long as the hundred gun quota has been met and employee is still alive. Heck, make it 15 million a gun, won't actually change anything.

-This is a dangerous job

-No, it is NOT rational to believe this job would actually exist

-This is a fake job

[ethanmawyer-blog]

I think these are funny. How about letting me animate one of these for the fun of it. I do a freehand quick draw animation style and think one of these would be hilarious to do.

Sorry for taking so long to answer but yeah that would be great. Do you have one in mind in particular?

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#92 Seeking Cyclops

I am the proprietor of a commercial agricultural establishment on the outskirts of an urban wasteland, and the city kids are incorrigible hooligans. No matter how many times I shake my fist, they insist upon stealing my butter and piglets and X-Box games.

The electronic theft is especially troublesome, because I hook the system up to a projector which displays against the door of my barn, and this helps me pass the hours while the farmhands do the actual work as well as allowing me to display my affluence to all who pass by.  Each time I need to go into town to replace my sizable collection of video games, my employees tend to spend that time taking turns playing the remaining games, because I hide some of them in the stables where only one used to farm stench can remain long enough to find the things. Also, they only have time to run in and take a couple of dozen before I take out my hoe and start swinging, but two dozen is too many and I need to hire a cyclops to guard my prized possessions.

If you are a cyclops, I want you because I know the only way to steal anything from one of you people is to drug you and escape under sheep. Not only do I not have any ovine livestock, but most of these hooligans can't hold onto a coherent thought let alone the belly of a beast, so I know if I hire you you'll get the job done. Of course, you must be a real cyclops and not a human who cut his eye out because he needed a job that badly.

Pay is competitive, especially for freakish monsters who probably can't get their interviewers to stay in the room if they get one in the first place. No offense.

-This is a fake job. If you are a cyclops in search of work, however, nightclub security may be a good choice.

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#91 Seeking Money Grubber

The problem with my money is it's too clean. Whenever I try to pay for something with it, the clerks or cashiers or whatever accept the cash without complaint and I find myself poorer. This must change, and you can be the source of the change if you have the money-grubbing (or grubbying, not sure, but grubbying gets red lined so it's probably grubbing) skills that I need.

After you do whatever you must do to ensure that I have dirty bills, I will take the cash to the store and the cashier will be so horrified by the state of my Jacksons that she (or maybe he) will refuse to take the money and I'll make a stink about how I paid and my payment should be respected and then the cashier will just let me buy the things without actually paying in order to let business keep moving.

This is a reasonable, rational strategy. Foolproof.

You will be paid 25% of the money that you save me through your grubbing, but will be responsible for 100% of the cash that you ruin beyond repair.

Fair? Of course it is.

-No it's not.

-This is a fake job.  

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#90 Seeking Crocodile Ticklers

Those crocodiles are always angry, and large angry reptiles do terrible things. One of the things that they do is make it nearly impossible for us to build the Nile River water park that we bought the rights to once Egypt started becoming democratic. That's going well, right? We haven't been able to check much since we've spent all our time worrying about the crocodiles.

Anyway, we figure that the best way to cheer up the crocodiles is to make them laugh, and we need people to make that happen. They don't appreciate jokes, or funny stories, or even physical comedy, so the only alternative is to tickle them. So we need about ten people to do that.

We are a low-budget operation so we can't pay for your plane tickets or an up front salary, but once the crocs are cheerful and safe we will start paying our ticklers $15/hr to keep them that way plus a small share of park revenues.

To apply, just show up at the river and start tickling. It's first-come first-served, but there might be some turnover so don't worry about being sent away.

-This is a dangerous job

-This is a fake job.

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#89 ISO Reindeer Negotiator

Santa here, and hoping not to have to stay here all day. I'm supposed to be heading to Australia soon, and getting there will be tougher than keeping the pounds off if something isn't done, and soon.

As you most likely do not know, most of the funds that support my charitable operations come from tax revenues collected in European countries often derided as being "socialist". Unfortunately, with the debt crisis being what it has been, not nearly as much money was available for me as is usually the case. After much frenzied negotiation, I was able to get the elves to work for slightly lower wages than usual, but that left hardly anything for my antlered employees.

Since I spoil them all year, letting them watch all sorts of television, they are currently refusing to fly and marching around the snow with picket signs instead. They're going to occupy the North Pole until their demands are met, and there's nothing I can do to pay them more except possibly offer them deferred payment while I get an hourly job this winter, and I can't really do that at my age, so this is a problem. Telling them that they're actually in the 1% of reindeer or animals in general hasn't been effective, so I need a reindeer negotiator to come to the North Pole right now and talk some sense into Rudolph and company.

There is no time for an application process, just show up and talk to them. Whispering in their ear in reindeer language is not recommended because they speak English and will antler-butt you for the grammatical mistakes you'd certainly make. But you will probably need to know a bit about reindeer psychology, and there's no time to teach you so you just gotta already know.

For reasons that should be apparent, I will have no cash to pay you with but the warm fuzzy feeling from saving Christmas should be payment enough. Also, you may be  able to keep some toys that went undelivered due to time constraints, but only if your conscience can handle that.

I ho ho hope someone can handle this task ahead, and soon.

-This is a dangerous job

-No, it is NOT ok to highlight this job for people that don't own coats

-This is an exploitative job

-This is a fake job 

[ethanmawyer-blog]

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

The first thing that comes to mind is money. Materialistic, I know, but it's the source of almost all great inanimate objects. Maybe the computer, though.

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#88 Train My Shakespeare Monkey

My Peruvian spider monkey, Banana Hamlet, just had his first birthday, and now that he has come of age it is time for him to make his own way in the world through victory in Shakespeare competitions. In case you are somehow ignorant of this fine tradition, Shakespeare Monkeys compete with each other to accurately type one scene of a dramatic work by William Shakespeare faster than all the other simian typists. Being a man of leisure and therefore capable of owning my own monkey, I do not wish to experience the stress involved with teaching Banana Hamlet so I'm looking to hire you.

My monkey will be typing with his tail on a very large keyboard especially created for these competitions, but he's ignorant right now so you'll have to help him punch the right keys. Just pressing anything, no matter how much Shakespeare can be found in between the gibberish, is wrong. Points are deducted for mistakes, and when points are taken away you won't be getting much money. Mostly, you will be holding up large cards corresponding with letters and punctuation marks, and once Banana Hamlet learns to press the thing that your card says, all you really need to do is hold up thousands of cards in the correct order until my precious little pet finishes his victorious effort and wins me the prize money.

You'll probably need to work out a bit if you don't already.

Before you win, and you will win if you want to keep your job, you will be paid the same way as the monkey - with bananas and fruit and maybe some bread as well as a nice tree branch to sleep in. If you don't like the branch, the ground is available although B.H. may step on your head on the way down if you do that. After we win, then you can split the $2000 first place prize with me. There will be one Shakespeare Monkey competition per month. 

On a side note, B.H. may need to be disciplined at times but spanking is not recommended.

Please tell me why you want this job and why Banana Hamlet will work well with you, and if your response is good then we will be in touch.

-No we won't. This is a fake job.

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#87 Research Assistant For Krampus

As most of you do not know, Krampus was banned from Santa's sleigh years ago for being a terrifying goat-monster who would abduct naughty children and do terrible things to them, and through banishment he lost access to Mr. Kringle's supernatural research facility. No longer knowing who was naughty or nice, Krampus spent years upon years lurking in a lonely cave, sulking about his situation and subsisting upon bats and the occasional tourist. But word of the outside world has reached the legendary being, and he has come to realize that decades of leaving bad children unpunished is largely responsible for the problems of the world and Krampus simply can't have that on his conscience. As much as he would like to simply spring back into action, the lack of internet access underneath the Alps makes it difficult for him to check FaceBook for children's behavior and his hooves don't help. So he needs you to spy on as many kids as possible between now and Christmas, preferably concentrating on celebrity kids so that his presence will be noted throughout the media. He may also consider visiting politicians, since as far as Krampus is concerned anyone under two hundred years of age is a mere child. Research knowledge is all well and good, but it is most imprtant to Krampus for his employee to be fiercely loyal and worshipful of the monster. So, to apply, please write one paragraph explaining why Krampus is superior to Cthulthu. -This is a fake job. Krampus, if real, has not contacted me.

[ethanmawyer-blog]

#86 New Supreme Leader of North Korea

The forgotten man in all the fuss about Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan is now a dead man, and someone needs to take his place as the leader of North Korea. Sure, he probably had successors in mind, but do any of them have the ambition, instability, and comic potential of the Dear Leader? Can any of them vault the tiny little country back into it's position as the most talked about nation in the Eastern Hemisphere? Probably not, but you probably can, and if so you should consider the newly available dictatorial position. Are you a corporate manager who believes that you should be CEO in spite of little experience or business sense? What about a third-string cornerback who considers himself worthy of a Heisman once that time machine he ordered finally starts working again? If so, that's a start but much more is needed to truly deserve to rule over a people whose needs have not been expressed because apparently they are too lazy to occupy Pyongyang. Rainbows are a bit outdated as far as power metaphors go, but perhaps you can go with something else. Like the robot god from Megaphonenor said that you out of all people should lord over the nuclear arsenal accumulated over the past whatever. Or you got a message from the beyond, and the triple "Oh wow" was actually due to the realization that North Korea will rule the world by the end of 2012, and it will be glorious. Yeah, maybe say that. You can claim the endorsement of the Dos Equis man as well, and if the company repudiates your assertion then of course its a capitalist plot to coerce the smooth talker into becoming the most dishonest man in the world. But probably best to figure out your own crazy justification for tyranny. Of course, you will likely need to assemble a considerable army and quick, as the descendants of Kim Jong Il probably will not acknowledge your ascendancy and you will have to make them respect your Authoritah. A whole horde of hypnotists will probably also help, since if you don't look oriental the people may need some convincing. You may also have to fight against dozens of other applicants, each with armies of their own and by the time the fighting is over there may be no infrastructure whatsoever remaining, but this is a pretty sweet gig and sweet gigs aren't easy to land. If you don't want to work for a living, then maybe you should just move to North Korea where there won't be any jobs. Or at least you'll have to slave for the state but they won't call it "work." So get to it, now. Been almost an hour already, what are you waiting for? -Compensation: whatever you can steal from the people -This is a dangerous job -This is a UN-defying job This is a fake job