EAT THE CHILD.

hi, I'm inconsistent and post garbage and reblog from others a lot. - https://segstuff.carrd.co/ remember to always EAT THE CHILD. will update all this when I have time. still figuring out tumblr. - maxie goes on an adventure - nanu goes on an adventure - matsubusa goes on an adventure

[euargh]

I really need help! This year has been an absolute nightmare. So many awful things happened and then I had surgery because my bladder ruptured. The hospital stays were hellish (south Texas health care is horrible. The nurses and staff make fun of the patients.)

Because of all the hospital stays, I missed out on important phone calls and lost my benefits. I have bills to pay and I won’t be able to next month. I hate to ask this but is it alright if anyone donates to help me out? Even if you can’t, may you please reblog this? I’m sorry.

My cashapp is $superevilgenius

My PayPal is [email protected]/@kalmasis

I’m really sorry to even make this post. I’m just shaky and scared. They are going REALLY slow at reconsideration too. Ughhhh, but thank you to anyone that helps me.

[euargh]

I really need help! This year has been an absolute nightmare. So many awful things happened and then I had surgery because my bladder ruptured. The hospital stays were hellish (south Texas health care is horrible. The nurses and staff make fun of the patients.)

Because of all the hospital stays, I missed out on important phone calls and lost my benefits. I have bills to pay and I won’t be able to next month. I hate to ask this but is it alright if anyone donates to help me out? Even if you can’t, may you please reblog this? I’m sorry.

My cashapp is $superevilgenius

My PayPal is [email protected]/@kalmasis

I’m really sorry to even make this post. I’m just shaky and scared. They are going REALLY slow at reconsideration too. Ughhhh, but thank you to anyone that helps me.

[euargh]

Vent story time: another hellish event that happened in May that revolved around my ruptured bladder, I had to sleep on the living room floor because my parents didn’t allow me in my room. I was unable to get up from the floor and needed help.

Next day I asked my mom permission to sleep in the guest room (her former room and also where my sis’ and her husband stay the rare times they’re able to visit). I explained that I really don’t want to sleep on the floor again because I can’t get back up. She said yes.

Stupid me should have realized she and my dad had been drinking a lot.

So I sat in the living room. My mom came over to sit nearby. (????) I said “aww! [sis’s name] sent me a cane!” I guess that pissed off my mom for some reason and she began screeching at me to leave my sis’ alone and other crap. What the fuck. Just what the fuck. Maybe she was jealous or something? I don’t know what that was about.

I had enough and after she left I slowly went over to the guest room to watch a bit of TV before sleeping on the couch/bed thing.

Next thing I knew, I was half asleep and felt myself being rolled over onto a blanket and dragged out to the living room floor and dumped there like trash.

Uhhhhhhhhh????????

I woke up and was again unable to get back up. I dragged myself back to the guest room only to discover that my parents locked the guest room. I dragged myself to my room to get a key and dragged myself back to unlock the door and drag myself in. I couldn’t get up onto the couch bed and slept on the floor.

In the morning I woke up to my dad bellowing “MIDA! MIDA! SHE’S SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR!” (MIDA however it’s spelled is Spanish for “LOOK!” at least in this region.) unfortunately a heavy pillow fell on my head and I couldn’t push it off. I asked if it could be taken off. Surprisingly my dad took it off the shoved his hand at my face doing the angry GIMMIE shit. “GIVE ME YOUR MEDS!!” He bellowed. Uhhhhh no. I need them. Fucking asshole. I lied I didn’t take my meds. He then assumed I was drunk. Uhhhh I don’t mix booze with meds.

Anyways so I struggled to drag myself out the room because my legs were useless. My bladder being ruptured and this bag attached to me made me so weak. I couldn’t even crawl. Yet my mom was SCREECHING “KAT GIT THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!!!” Repeatedly. Like over and over and I was “I’m trying! Sorry!!”

They were in my room bitching and other shit and talking shit about me. It was HELL. I asked “um, could someone please bring the wheelchair over, please?”

My dad bellowed “NO, GET TO IT YOURSELF!!!!” and “YOU ENTERED YOUR MOM’S ROOM, YOU CAN GET IT YOURSELF!!!!” My mom was “I’M NOT GOING TO HELP!” and “YOU NEVER APPRECIATE ME!!!!” all fucking day.

This hell went on for the whole fucking entire day with my parents berating me viciously. I kept trying so hard to stand up but just couldn’t. They were so fucked up to me after everything I have done for them. I was just weak from the hospital stay and bladder hell.

It is THEM that don’t appreciate me.

So yeah, ended up scraping my knees as I dragged myself around desperate to get up from the floor and it hurt like hell. My parents were dicks and said “WHY DONT YOU CALL THE PARAMEDICS?” Uhhhh I can’t afford that right now. My insurance was milked for the month and I didn’t want to go back to that hellhole where I was manipulated and abused (still need to share that story. WHY IS MOST EVERYONE IN SOUTH TEXAS SO FUCKED UP AND SIMILAR TO MY PARENTS?! JESUS CHRIST!!)

I wanted to get back to my chair bed thing that’s meant for elderly and disabled people. I dragged myself over in the HOPE it might be a way to get up from the floor.

Then my dad caught me and bellowed and I mean BELLOWED WITH RAGE “MOOOOVE!!!!” It brought back horrible flashbacks when he did that to Tomtom when he also was dragging his legs around and was very slow.

Oh my fuck. Tomtom and I are the same. I miss him. September 23 is the anniversary of when he passed and I hate that I can’t afford a rose to put on his grave. No one ever takes me out anymore and Walmart delivery has a $35 limit for free shipping.

Anyways back to the shit story. So I dragged myself out of the way. My dad kept bellowing and bellowing at me. Dragging myself out the way was a fucking struggle. My arms were also weak. God, my parents fucking lack empathy and I guess they forgot that bladder shit makes one weak.

So yeah, my knees were bloody. Great. It hurt even more trying to stand up. Then what the fuck. He thought I already got up from the floor.

Then he bellowed at me that I was apparently mean to my mom and shot both the fingers at her and showed her my vagina. Uhhhh???? WHAT? That is a fucking lie.

She fucking makes up all this bullshit to get my dad pissed at me because he’s like a bulldog. She always does this shit of making up shit about me to get everyone angry at me. In her stories, she is always the hero or victim. She knows no humility. Her sin is clearly Pride. What a fucking bitch. That angered me so much.

I managed to finally sit on top of a small bin, but still unable to stand up. I tried to crawl onto a chair but just tipped and fell. My mom laughed at me as I tipped. Uh, thanks asshole. (Tipped, as in I crawled onto and just ended up with my head on the chair, my legs in the air, then I fell off.)

I had ENOUGH. I decided that if they are going to treat me like a filthy animal and garbage, then I will play with their emotions back. I hate doing that but god, the entire day was fucking hell and I was so hungry and just needed help to stand up again.

So I lied that my sis’ had her baby already.

My parents immediately got upset that she didn’t tell them. The atmosphere changed. They finally stopped being a shit to me and were upset and angry over not being told about the birth. I took gratification over their sadness after all the hellish shit they did to me that day. All the lies. All the abuse.

So they went to their room. I dragged myself back to my room once again in the hopes my chair bed thing would help me back to my feet. I struggled to climb on it.

Thankfully my dad was drunk because of how upset he was (GOOD) and for one last time I asked for help onto the chair.

Surprisingly he actually helped me onto it. I was able to sit upright and was able to FINALLY stand up. I immediately went to go eat something. All I just needed was help off the floor. BECAUSE I WAS WEAK DUE TO MY BLADDER HELL. Jesus Christ. Worst? I was all “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU” as he helped me onto the chair.

I hate myself that I am still kind and helpful to them despite how shitty they treat me. I also hate that I had to lie to get them to fuck off with their UNNECESSARY BULLYING.

Oh yeah, bonus: my mom was about to pour out my unopened bottles of vodka. Internally I was like “bitch, you do that and I will pour out ALL your beer and Coronas.” Of course I can’t say that out loud. The vodka bottles haven’t been opened in months and were ten dollars each, but it’s the principle of it. She was planning to keep the bottles, but when she went away I took them back to my room and hid them BECAUSE HELL NAW. They are still unopened lmao.

Another: I said that I told them that I can’t be on the floor because then I can’t get back up. My mom was “YEAH YEAH ONE EAR OUT THE OTHER!” and said that I never told them that. Oh yeah, that’s right. They were fucking drunk when I asked permission to sleep in the guest room.

There was also more crap that happened that day but this story is already long AF as it is. Thank you for reading my vent.

[euargh]

It all began in December when my mom overworked me to the point I forgot to eat and my hands cramped up. I got taken to the hospital. They were lazy at diagnosing me. All I needed was potassium. My idiot self mentioned my prescription pills that drain water out my feet, so they ran with that, and my dad is a fucking dumbass that also runs with that. I need these pills because I drink too much water and it goes to my feet. I didn’t even take them that day.

Then another time my mom overworked me again that my lower back gave out and my head crashed hard into a bucket. I lost feeling in the left side of my skull for three months. Thank gawd feeling has been slowly returning.

Then my mom was throwing one of her USUAL VIOLENT TANTRUMS being so damn OBSESSED with the pantry that she was tossing objects and ROARING with rage. I was afraid of being called worthless AGAIN and so to prove my worth I scrubbed the counter. Unfortunately I was at the corner of the counter. Something or someone heavy hit me on the back (I can’t remember because the pain overwrought my memory) and so I slammed into the corner of the counter. It hurt like hell.

Then began the nightmare.

I was in so much pain. It felt like cramps but worse. I started feeling dizzy. Everything was wavy. My stomach began becoming huge, it looked like I was pregnant. (Which was weird because my sis’ was pregnant at the time.) I was “hey look! It looks like I’m pregnant!” Then I was WAIT A MINUTE. Did gawd bang me without my consent? I AM GOING TO SUE GAWD!

Suddenly vivid visions began happening. First one, I was in this really bright white hallway, or what seemed like a hallway. There was a very bright light at the end that didn’t hurt my eyes. I could walk without a cane, then I could actually run again, then I took flight and I was “OH LAWDY LAWDY! I AM FLYING I AM FLYING HOE SHIT LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL WINGS BITCH!” Then I felt a great mourning and stopped. Suddenly Tomtom appeared. He was huge. Bigger than I was. I was “Tomtom? Tomtom?! Is that really you?!” He went the opposite direction I was flying to and we went back to the darkness which apparently was my room because I ended up back in bed (well chair/bed thing) and I felt his weight on my bed and I got to pet him for a quick second before I woke up.

So I sat up and was like “DAMN, I MUST BE TRIPPING BALLS!” then as I got up to head to the bathroom to splash water on my face for such a very obviously a delusional trip, I literally tripped on balls. My cat’s toys, lmao.

NOTE: I am an atheist that does not believe in heaven or hell or karma. I just have delusions and visions that are vivid as fuck.

Then I had that vision again, same thing of me racing and flying towards the light going “LAWDY LAWDY HAVE MERCY! MY BEAUTIFUL WINGS! IMMA GONNA SEE WHAT IS BEYOND THOSE LIGHTS!” Then oh gawd. This woman that I think was my grandma that passed in 2004 (another story where we did a ritual and made it snow for Christmas here, snow for the first time in 100 years because apparently and thankfully the dead speak to me after a week when they pass) I was “grandma?” then she pulled out a chancal and said “KATHY!! GET BACK DOWN THERE!!” and I was “HOLY SHIT!” I immediately turned back and woke up in my bed. I woke up gasping for air because what the fuck.

Then the vision happened again, but this time I couldn’t see who was pulling me back to my bed.

This kept happening repeatedly. I can’t remember them. Then eventually I accidentally tripped and fell onto the floor. I couldn’t get back up due to the weight of my stomach and needed help. I reluctantly asked my parents for help to get up from the floor, unfortunately they yelled at me and treated me like trash. Then they called the paramedics. They came to pick me up. My dad berated me at them over shit I could not help. I literally showed him proof that my fucking nerve doctor kept canceling my appointments via text. Jeez. He talked so much shit about me to them that wasn’t true.

Then began a week of hell at the hospital that I will vent another time because I’m tired and just want to watch some TV until I doze off like an old person.

Last one though. Recently I had another one of that vivid vision of walking, running, sprouting huge white wings and taking flight. I was flying towards the light. Then I felt that great mourning again. I saw Tomtom, my grandma, and all these other people that I assume to be relatives or some shit. I was “WAIT WHO THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE OTHER BITCHES AND HOES? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO TINY?” They were allowing me to get to the light not stopping me this time.

I had this feeling that if I go into the lights I won’t be able to return. As much as I DO NOT WANT TO RETURN WITH HOW I AM TREATED BY MY PARENTS AND PEOPLE, I reluctantly turned around heading back to the dark to my room to my bed, back to all the pain and other crap.

Tomtom allowed me to ride on his back. I was “why the fuck am I so gawd damn tiny.”

Then suddenly images appeared of my sibling and I. So many images. Other images of other people and I. I started crying. I guess… I can’t go just yet. But, why? Why if I am treated like garbage often? Worst? My surgeon said it’s a miracle I am even alive because I survived three and a half weeks not knowing my bladder ruptured and people usually die from that after a few days.

I don’t know shit. I don’t know what is going on. I’m just a dumbass human, a human like everyone else. It was probably a fluke that I am still alive and it doesn’t mean anything.

Anyways, felt like sharing that. Part two of the horrible abuse at the hospital will be for another time. Going to watch Comedy Central now.

Thanks for reading my delusional crap.

[euargh]

I really need help! This year has been an absolute nightmare. So many awful things happened and then I had surgery because my bladder ruptured. The hospital stays were hellish (south Texas health care is horrible. The nurses and staff make fun of the patients.)

Because of all the hospital stays, I missed out on important phone calls and lost my benefits. I have bills to pay and I won’t be able to next month. I hate to ask this but is it alright if anyone donates to help me out? Even if you can’t, may you please reblog this? I’m sorry.

My cashapp is $superevilgenius

My PayPal is [email protected]/@kalmasis

I’m really sorry to even make this post. I’m just shaky and scared. They are going REALLY slow at reconsideration too. Ughhhh, but thank you to anyone that helps me.

[euargh]

Thank you so much to those few that reblogged this! I definitely appreciate it! I hope more people will reblog this. Also great, a clump of hair fell off my head from all the stress. Now I have to brush hair over it. This year is a nightmare.

[euargh]

Sometimes I hear his purring, but it’s only the wind. Heard his meow today as I laid in bed. I got up and as usual parents were fighting and took it out on me. I had leftover stuffing for breakfast and pie. Thankfully after that unnecessary drama, the day was calm. Unfortunately tomorrow will probably be hell. (Every single day has been my mom forcing me to clean some part of the house when I want to clean my room.)

[euargh]

I need to update. Will do in a bit. Just making Thanksgiving sides.

[euargh]

So anyways, Monday I was at the doctor, requested gabapentin (a friend online recommended it which was helpful), then got my bloodwork results. I forgot what else happened. Then my dad and I went about errands.

I hate myself for taking walking for granted. I can still walk, my feet are just in so much pain at touching anything that they turn onto the sides. I literally walk on the sides of my feet and wobble. Cleaning the kitchen every night/morning is hell.

I plan to request a higher dosage of the anti-pain meds Dec 6 when I go back. Nov 20 I see a doctor specialist for my legs/feet.

Fuck neuropathy so fucking much. I must have accidentally pinched a nerve on this stupid chair/bed thing that’s lumpy.

[euargh]

Today I learned that I apparently have a healthy liver despite all the massive amounts of booze I have chugged down. THE STRONGEST LIVER IN THE UNIVERSE, MORTY!

[euargh]

Last post for now,

I really want to commission someone to help me make a video of the cat I had for 16 years. Tomtom. Mesmeric kitty.

It is absolutely stupid and dumb and cringe, but it’s this:

like a prayer by Madonna

It starts off at this part of the song: “like a child, you whisper” which is a scene with fire around making the scene a dark fiery red/orange, but the fires aren’t intense yet. Tomtom is a big cat angel that appears as red/orange from the dark and fire with white eyes and giant wings staring down at me from a cliff. He is breathing big time as if exhausted.

The Tomtom angel turns into a little star that rotates and falls into my hands transforming into kitten-Tomtom as the scene changes from a dark fiery kind of place into something calm. I’m hunched over, long hair, old looking holding him in my hands.

Then

Here is a slightly complicated part: I am back to my Angry Shit Doodle phase, short red hair. (Here is the part where I’m young again.) dressed like a gawth with boots.

“Now I’m dancing” I’m no longer crippled by covid. I’m young again. I’m no longer ill. I’m able to jump and kick in the air in a comedic manner.

Then “no end and no beginning” I’m spinning holding Tomtom as he gets bigger (growing from kitten to adult) with every turn and I start being unable to hold him anymore.

I also age, my hair gets longer, no longer red, I get thinner and weaker and carefully put him down.

Then this part of the song “let the choir sing!” if anyone knows how JIBJAB was with LOL characters opening mouths, this part would be a bunch of Nicholas Tesla copies and pigeons singing the chorus. Rotating left/right.

After the comedic choir, Tomtom and I are standing next to each other. Then he transforms into dust. Then becomes a star again rotating back to the cliff staring down at me as the angel cat again.

The scene turns dark, fiery, flames intensifying. Debris flying and knock me over.

THEN HERE is the dramatic part of the song: (around 2:57ish) a complicated part of where I’m down on my knees, white eyes, reaching my hand out as much as I can as debris fly and FLAMES ROAR HARD around me (lol representing my life) and my hair is swooshing around from the violent air.

the camera swirls around me in a dramatic manner as the flames continue to ROAR HARD

then it just ends as I can’t reach out anymore

Okay this was DUMB TO SHARE but thank you for reading.

[euargh]

Bringing that commission post back. Also sharing a dream. Had a dream that I couldn’t tell was real or just me trying to cope with the loss of Tomtom.

In the dream I was apparently sitting on the kitchen floor (which is where Tomtom died). I was looking to my right when suddenly I felt something on each of my shoulders. I turned forward to find it’s Tomtom in my lap hugging me as he raised himself. His face was nearing mine. The details of his face. His nose touched mine. I kissed him (in a mother kissing their child way, weirdos). Then everything started turning into a weird glitch turning dark as the scene began changing. His head turned to my left as he left, his body wasn’t visible anymore (it was either hidden behind smoke or that was him disintegrating) as everything shifted to another dream.

It was at this point I think maybe I was accidentally meditating (kept trying so hard to sleep but couldn’t due to all the mourning I’m in, not to mention the feet pain, so I tried to just remain still) then Tomtom showed up then I slipped into sleep mode due to the scene change and random stuff happening.

Maybe it was him? But I don’t know. I recall going “careful, don’t wake up. concentrate slowly. careful, you’re going to dream mode” BUT I’m just rambling because I nearly almost forgot this happened. Anyways I need to get ready for my group therapy.

(Then lmao before then last night, I was so tired I accidentally slept with the tv on which was Gordon Ramsay and had dreams about Gordon Ramsay.)

[euargh]

I forgot that Tomtom’s face was so detailed and clear. Especially considering… my brain sucks. I shared this with a friend that I will keep anonymous for privacy. I just don’t have anyone to talk to about the loss of Tomtom.

[euargh]

Please follow my jalapeno https://www.instagram.com/jalapeno0606/ and share this post so more will follow my jalapeno

https://www.instagram.com/jalapeno0606/

[euargh]

This jalapeño is doing illegal things.

Reblog to spread word of its insanity!

[euargh]

(Meant to post this earlier but got shitfaced too fast.)

Voted earlier at my old high school. Walked in with a cane feeling like Scrooge/House. Made a Painkiller drink because Election Night.

I forgot I’m a lightweight and got knocked out after a second drink of the painkiller I made.

[euargh]

I saw who won. Fuck the election.

[euargh]

(Meant to post this earlier but got shitfaced too fast.)

Voted earlier at my old high school. Walked in with a cane feeling like Scrooge/House. Made a Painkiller drink because Election Night.

I forgot I’m a lightweight and got knocked out after a second drink of the painkiller I made.

[euargh]

I have a huge nasty rash across my entire chest, my back and all over my body. I don’t know how the hell that happened other than wondering if I caught something while at the doctors office last week. I had to go four days in a row and people coughed with their mouth opened.

Oh yeah, any time I go to the doctor blood is always drawn. Last Monday they took ten vails of blood. I was surprised they even got blood out of me. The first time they tried getting blood out of me back in July, they couldn’t get much (only filled a quarter of a tube with thick blood) and had to stop and reschedule me for the next day for someone else to collect my blood. Then last Tuesday had that ultrasound done.

Friday I go back to find out my results.

Oh yeah annnnd in the mirror, I am a disgusting disfigured skeleton. I tried looking at my back and my shoulder bones stick out like knives.

I’m just so ugly.

Anyways hopefully this rash goes away. It’s been a huge pain since Thursday. It hurts. It’s itchy. It’s unsightly. If not, hopefully my doctor might be able to help me on Friday.

The only bright side is at least my feet are finally not swollen anymore thanks to the diuretics. Thank gawd. Holy fuck. Unfortunately my feet are still numb/buzzy and hurt to walk on and other crap, but thankfully not swollen like they were since August. I was in agonizing pain for fucking months. I’m so glad it’s less now.

Oh and to add more onto my shit luck, my knee randomly gave out and I fell hitting my head and fucking chipped a part of my tooth against the bed frame in my sis’s former room. Now there’s a small hole in my tooth that I’m obsessively brushing several times a day to prevent a cavity from forming because I can’t fucking afford a filling. My insurance only covers a small amount. (I was already struggling trying to keep this other hole at bay because the dentist is expensive. Now I freaking have two.)

I might consider creating a post in the hopes people share it around to donate a dollar so I can get started on saving up to get it filled. I don’t mean to be a charity case but holy shit I’ve been having a hellish year.

Anyways, thank you for listening to my vent. Going to try relaxing and watch some Family Guy on YouTube.

[yeahokayillreblogthat]

Am I becomed reblogged if my ask is answered? Or am I becomed only a post?

post

[ceasarslegion]

Internet mobs will be like "why doesnt anyone just ADMIT when theyre WRONG anymore??!!" and then treat someone like they deserve the death penalty because they said something off-colour on twitter when they were 14

No one will admit that they were wrong if you treat being wrong like its an eternal indictment against them with no chance for rehabilitation

[hellpupp]

these tags, tbh. we fucked up when we allowed "the people you hurt aren't obligated to accept your apology" to shift into "...so you have to shut up and accept whatever abuse is hurled your way no matter what, forever, and if you ever say anything about it, you're deflecting and playing the victim."

all this accomplishes is driving people to double down & refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing, bc to admit fault would be to accept that you're a Bad Person, which means you deserve whatever you get.

[tachvintlogic]

[Image Transcript:

also 'admit you're wrong' is treated as synonymous with 'accept whatever overwrought punishment i think you deserve' which um. well they're not the same thing. actually.

end transcript]