Eunae have lived for twenty-three years and four months in total, in less than two years her age will turn a quarter of a century.
But yet, she haven’t find herself in the process. Always seeking, never finding. Always walking, never stopping. On a normal psychology test, they define her as ENTJ–the rationalist and the logical. Horoscope define her as Leo, the brave, chivalrous fellow (just like how Gryffindors are, she stated–but then again sometimes she’s cunning, like the snake, like Slytherin, so what is she? ).
Sometimes she wished she applied for Philosophy instead of Communication, learning in deets about the whole conception and the true meaning behind Descartes’ cogito ergo sum, diving into the Greek myths and exposing herself into numerous knowledge that’s mind-blowing yet astonish her. Mastering Democritus atomic theory, constantly being reminded of Socrates’ advice to shape her life, that: “the wisest man know one thing, and that is that they know nothing.” so she can stop herself from being so cautious and over-analyzing every situation.
Little did she knew that there are several momentum in-between her classes that she took as Communication student in the major, where she learned properly about Intrapersonal relationship and interpersonal relationship, reflecting on herself in a single paper of ‘know yourself better’ of Psychology Communication that is being collected in a two-page essays which ends up like a curriculum vitae instead of self-reflection because she only talked about the exterior, not interior.
Apparently, being introduced to the likes of Sigmund Freud and Jung and their magnificent research doesn’t help her in identifying her true self.
That is until she dive in more into the world of Psychology Communication, where she wished that she applied for Psychology major instead of Communication–because inside there, she’s being enlightened (and mind-blown-ed) by the sole information that yes, even your own brain can trick you. Learning that reality is not what it is that she see through her lens–because she only see, and human have other senses. Conclusion? She’s dizzy, perplexed. Too much information consumed, her own dream of trusting herself shaken because of a single research about psychoanalysis.
But among hundreds of theories and definitions that she found on books, on lectures, and through discussion, there’s one thing that she thought could relate the most to herself:
DISMISSIVE attachment style; high in independence, dismissive in intimacy, positive on their thought of self and negative on their thought of partner. The disattachment type.
(and yes, ladies and gents, that is the sound of her laughter because because how fitting that definition is for herself, because she don’t expect to see a majority of herself being reflected in a textbook before, so here’s a penny of appresiation for the professor who researched this theory)
“Family, where relationship and attachment styles begin.”
She reads out loud, laughing at the content because of how ironically accurate it is: “Parent-child interactions constitute the basis for expectations about later relationships, leads to the formation of two basic attitudes self-esteem (attitudes about one’s self worth) and interpersonal trust (attitudes about other people).”
Infant who’s raised with detachment parenting, will grow into a detached individual.
And who is she right now? The detached individual, bingo. It’s so obvious that it is not even surprising anymore at this point.
Basically, the rest of the theory tells that how parent raised their children will highly affect how they will grow as an individual later on in the process. And those kind attachment style is hard to be converted, unless there’s other medium that is strong enough to transform her into someone who’s secure, someone with attachment with others–because who knows, right now in this world she won’t be the kind of girl who is immune to sympathy and prioritize what the heart says than what does the head says.
The lack of intimacy with her parent turned her into an independent individual, who thinks that they’ll be more than alright being alone because that’s how it has been for all their life–but sometimes, sometimes (and more often than not) she needs the help from other to get her out of the dark cave and returning her into being a homo socius, human with social needs.
But no matter how hard she tried to put her sympathy to other people, she won’t be able to feel the strong emotional bond or the heart-clenching sensation that some others would feel, and that is… something she wished she had. To be more sensitive. To not appear like a heartless woman who faked her cries when she just can’t cry.
And suddenly her head throb due all the speculations and overthinking (as per usual), so she lay down on the couch with the Attachment theory dancing around her mind–suddenly round up her decision over one thing: that she, Choi Eunae, is a dismissive individual at its best. Always confident of herself, always skeptical of others. A lethal result which she gained from being distant from her most reliable source of affection for too long. Always spoiled with materialistic goods, never approached with affection. Barely, rarely. Everyone’s too busy doing their own job.
And she, too, morphed into them; too busy with her own job, always forgetting her world.
What a joke, this world is, isn’t that so, love?
