gold rush @euphorixmusings - Tumblr Blog

shane offered a very small smile at madison's words. "of course, i'll sleep with you," she says. the irony was not lost on her of how many times they have said that to each other in the past in a much different context. but right now, shane had no intention of leaving madison tonight. "i'll stay with you the whole time, it'll be okay." it was hard to promise that, but she wanted it to be true.

shifting where she sat, shane reached a hand out to madison to help her off the coach and bring her back to her room to get her ready for bed. after months of taking care of madison, she was used to this part. even if she didn't sleep and just laid there watching whatever she put on the tv for the night, shane was used to the routine of it by now. leading madison to the bed, shane went the dresser to grab some sleep clothe for her. "i'll be right back okay?" she asked, holding the clothes out for her. "do you need anything else?"

euphorixmusings

madison gave a small nod when shane agreed to sleep in her bed with her tonight. realistically, she knew there was nothing much shane could do to help her if one of her night terrors came about; madison just hoped a familiar weight laying next to her, along with the pills shane generously offered her for the night would bring her enough comfort to get a few hours of sleep.

madison slowly followed behind as shane lead her to her bedroom. the routine helped. it became some new sense of normalcy during a time madison didn't think anything would be normal again. she definitely wouldn't have been putting herself to bed every night--if she would have even gotten out of bed in the first place. "okay," she answered quietly as she took the pajamas from shane. madison shook her head, "i don't need anything else," she said, not wanting to ask for anything more of shane for the day.

while shane was gone madison changed into the silk white tank top and matching pajama pants shane had handed her. she threw her day clothes into the hamper before sitting back down on the edge of the bed. she didn't turn the tv on, or go on her phone. madison just waited for shane to come back, slightly rocking herself back and forth for some comfort.

#and every face is slightly more traumatized than the last #lauren fc had some issues but was pretty okay for the most part #kaya fc was a crash out #now courtney fc is in shambles #and here I am taking 10 business days to reply #c: shadison #madison speaks

trashxmuses

it was hard to watch madison like this. it hurt shane's heart to watch the girl that once used to fight her because she looked at a girl for a bit too long, not be able to feed or bathe herself. but she had no idea how madison was feeling, how could anyone know what she was feeling if they had gone through what she had? she should probably be in therapy or something, shane wasn't equipped to take care of her in the ways that she actually needs to. but then again, shane probably needed therapy herself. pot kettle.

her arms tightened around madison as she moved closer into shane's body. she wished she could just make it all stop but she knew that was impossible. the least she could do is at least try. "i can help," she says softly, watching madison's face. "and i can be here the whole time so you'll be okay." she couldn't promise that madison will ever actually be okay, but shane could at least watch her while she slept in the hopes to stop the nightmares. "i have some sleeping pills, it could help you sleep enough to stop the dreams from coming back. but only if you want to."

euphorixmusings

shane's offer came as a welcome relief to madison. if she could just sleep straight through one night without reliving the horrors of the worst night of her life. she should be more cautious of what she was about to do; a peaceful night could easily become addicting to madison in the state she was in, but fuck it. she didn't care. the girl didn't care about much of anything anymore other than making her pain stop. she would accept any solution presented to her at this point.

madison nodded her head, her movements small and defeated. "thank you," she muttered out. "you don't have to stay up with me," madison added. she figured shane was offering for her own peace of mind as much as she was offering for madison's. in her current state it wouldn't be such a far fetched idea that madison would down the whole bottle while shane slept. as much as a permanent solution to all of this would be more than welcomed by madison, she didn't have the strength to even do so much as that. too depressed to kill herself; go figure.

"you should sleep too," madison continued, hoping to cover up all of the thoughts swirling through her head from reading on her face. madison's gaze trailed off, getting stuck on the carpet below their feet. she was almost embarrassed to ask, "would you sleep with me tonight?" she finally mustered up the courage after a few moments, wide eyes looking back up at shane. truth be told, even with the help of the pills madison was terrified to even close her eyes, let alone allow herself to fall sleep. she didn't want shane to leave her side, and she didn't want to have to leave shane's arms. i just need you to hold me--is what madison wanted to say, choosing silence instead; letting her question linger between the two of them.

#and it's just starting !#wait till shane yells at her !#I did notice every fc change marks madison spiraling worse than before #c: shadison #madison speaks

@ajmusings

“I’m okay with your history. It made you who you are. And I happen to be in love with who you are.”

—

S.C. Stephens,

Reckless

(via be0k)

#ship: rosjy

lemonademusing-blog

instagram series –> rose santiago

@ajmusings

euphorixmusings

@trashxmuses

#ah #there'd be some babies now but we'll pretend #rose muse

attaboylew

courtney via her snapchat

#madison fc

steamingresourcetrash

#ship: shadison

trashxmuses

in a weird way, shane has gotten used the normalcy of things since she had moved back to new york with madison. she knows that she shouldn't consider what madison was going through and having to watch her as she struggles, but a sick part of her liked being needing. she liked knowing that madison needed her and wanted her there. but that doesn't mean it was easy. no, it was hard as fuck to watch her go through this. after everything shane has been through in her life, she has never experienced anything close to losing the person she loved in such a finite way like madison had.

she moved around the apartment as the girl laid in the same place as she has for days, trying to walk on egg shells to not trigger her. they were no longer those two girls who used to party and hook up and break each other's hearts (well, that was more just shane who was breaking hearts), now they were a broken girl and her ex who just happened to care enough to want to help.

a hand gripped her arm and shane looked down at madison in her fetal position, eyes distant in the way that shane knew meant she was reliving it. she reached out with her free hand and gently rubbed madison's shoulder. "i know," she says softly. they've had this conversation dozens of times. if madison could just sleep one good night and eat more than a couple bites of food, maybe she would start to feel better. her mind drifts to the locked boxed shoved away inside her closet, filled with the things she doesn't want a depressed madison getting her hands on. the pill bottles that shane only opens when she can't take the withdrawals anymore.

she's thought of it more than once. slip madison a pill or two, let her have a drug induced sleep, but it felt wrong, it needed to be her choice. shane had already fucked up so much of madison's life when they were teens, she didn't want to add sharing her drug addiction with her to that list. she shifted on the couch, moving to pull madison closer to her. "maybe that's what you need," she says in a quiet voice. "it might help, just one night of a dreamless sleep. you'll feel better." her eyes moved down to the other girl to study her reaction.

euphorixmusings

madison had been more than grateful to shane for staying by her side at the lowest point in her life. there was a time when the worst thing that ever happened to madison was shane breaking her heart, and god would she give up anything for that to be the truth once again. now shane was her saving grace, her comfort--in some weird way she always was. a girl never forgets the first person that made her feel seen and understood. no matter what they were going through at the time, shane was always that for madison. she had a scary skill of being able to read madison like a book. with dom gone, shane was the only person who really knew her.

though she couldn't express her gratitude, she could barely shower without shane practically pushing her in, she hoped shane knew just how much she was saving madison's life. at first madison thought she'd be okay. she holed up in dylan's house, didn't go many places without the other woman, and barely spoke to another person, but she was still going; her and dylan even managed to have a few good times together.

madison did what madison does: push her feelings so far down they almost disappear until they inevitably explode; but this wasn't a first heartbreak, or her father telling her she was starting to get fat. this was grief, and trauma, and ptsd. when this finally exploded it absolutely broke madison. sometimes she would look down and still see dom's blood covering her hands. she couldn't be left alone. madison--and everyone else for that matter knew it was bad when the first three days she was gonna be here alone while shane got herself ready to up and move her life, all madison wanted was her dad; the same dad that told her she was getting fat being with dom.

when madison spent three days curled up in her father's arms sobbing, begging her daddy to fix it like he did everything else--and he let her, the three knew this was going to be something they never dealt with before. now curled up the same way with shane, madison clung on tighter as she was pulled closer. madison knew what shane was implying when she said dreamless sleep and it sounded like a miracle right about now. the girl couldn't remember the last time she slept for more than an hour at a time. she hadn't even bothered to try the last two days. being sleep deprived was better than feeling the weight of her girlfriend's lifeless body in her arms as if it was happening all over again.

madison was no stranger to drugs and alcohol; or to shane's problems with the two. she wasn't above a line to keep her up during a long photoshoot, or a bottle to numb the pain. she never fell quite as hard into it as shane had, but she was also in no place to judge. madison sat with the suggestion for a moment. if there was ever a justification for trying something maybe a little harder than she was used to; this was it. madison nuzzled her face into the crook of shane's neck. "i just wanna sleep, shane," she whispered from a voice ravaged by sobs and screams. if she had any tears left for anything but dom, she would cry right now out of pure exhaustion. "you can help me do that?" madison questioned, looking up at shane with eyes pleading with her to confirm she meant what madison thought she meant.

#we're doing it !!#dw abt matching length #ig I have a lot to say after 5 years !#c: shadison #madison speaks

madison's eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment while whatever episode of drag race shane put on played in front of her. it was one of the only things madison could stomach to watch anymore. there was no love, no death, no heartbreak; just cool outfits and weird musical challenges. most of the time madison would just stare at the wall if shane hadn't put something on for her.

this show was usually successful at lulling madison to sleep, but after the last night terror she had about dom, madison was hellbent on never sleeping again. everything since the night dom died became a blur expect that night, and she wished someone would hit her in the head hard enough to forget that too. as she dosed off flashes of sparkling dresses from the tv mixed with the memory of finding dom's body; jolting madison awake.

she looked around panicked; not seeing her living room, but instead the darkness and chaos from that night. her chest started to tighten while her breathing grew labored--until her eyes landed on shane sitting next to her. she grabbed shane's arm tightly, the women's presence being madison's only anchor to reality. the scene around her started to clear away, and they were back in her living room with the bright light from the tv shining on them.

"it's not gonna work," madison sighed as she crumbled back into their couch. "i can't, shane," madison admitted, out of breath from the flashback. "every time i close my eyes i just..." her voice trailed off. madison could barely bring herself to talk about that night, let alone what she would see when she fell asleep. "you're gonna have to knock me out if you want this to work." @trashxrps

#c: shadison #madison speaks #aaaaaahhh it's happening

90210source

#madison muse

ayyariana

You Don’t Know Me - Ariana Grande

#rose fc

ayyariana

You have to be so extra nice to your heart and to your mind these days. There are so many people telling you that you’re not good enough. You are good enough. You’re more than good enough.

#rose fc