JOE just gave him a look that read ‘oh, come on’, and softly shook his head. “well, I would certainly call them lucky. you may not know it but you’re quite the catch, ev. “ the long-forgotten nickname escaped his lips easily, without him even knowing it. but it felt natural. the more time they spent in each others’ proximity, the more joe felt them going back to the dynamic they had before evan had left. best friends, for ever and ever. no matter how evan felt about him now, and no matter how angry and sad joe had been when he’d left, no matter the massive crush joe had been harboring on evan for all of thirteen years now, they’d always have a special place in each others’ heart.
he, too, noticed how evan kept it vague when talking about romantic interests and significant others. ‘people’. and he felt his heart jump at the thought that - that there may just be the slightest possibility evan had reciprocated joe’s feelings all those years ago. or maybe that he did so now. that maybe he had the same feelings that he’d helped joe discover. how would he react if he just suddenly blurted out that evan was what had made him doubt his sexuality, that he was the reason joe had explored those feelings, why he had his fair share of ex-boyfriends roaming around ellingham ?
his gaze dropped down to where their knees were inches apart. it was as if he’d stepped into a time-machine and was back in the body of his fourteen-year-old self, who got hot and flustered while sitting on that bench outside evan’s house with him, bodies impossibly close yet too far away. and suddenly, present-joe felt his leg move that extra inch, their knees now touching. he felt a shiver run down his spine and quickly diverted his gaze, running a hand through his hair, as he’d always done when he was nervouse. “ so - how have you been ?”, joe asked, boring even himself with the question. “ what’ve you been up to the past decade?”
he didn’t know what got to him more, the fact that joe had called him a catch, or the casual use of his old nickname. as always, joe had managed to throw him off balance in the span of a single sentence. It was really a one-two punch, the compliment––which was probably just joe being nice––and the nickname. it had been 10 years since he’d heard joe call him that, but hearing it now, while sitting on the couch next to him, it made him feel like no time had passed.
maybe joe had less self-restraint than he did, or maybe the couch was just too small for two grown men to sit on, but he felt joe’s knee gently knock against his. he might have been feeling like a fourteen year old kid again but he was suddenly and viscerally reminded that neither of them were little kids anymore. he was struck by joe’s presence; he wasn’t just taller now, he was bigger, and not just physically, but his personality, too. there was so much more to this joe then the one he knew, so many layers and intricacies, it was overwhelming. they both took up more space than they used to and it made the space between them feel like it had shrunk, literally and metaphorically. joe was so close and warm and present. evan wanted to wrap himself up in his warmth.
he knew joe had asked the question casually, had meant for it to be small talk, but he felt comfortable enough now to stop beating around the bush and get into the reason he had approached joe in the first place––or one of the reasons, at least.
❝ well, after we left, ❞ he started, ❝ which i had no idea was happening, for the record, things were… difficult. i mean, things were always difficult, just in a different way. ❞ he knew he was being vague, but even years later it was hard to talk about. he was glad his mom had left his father, but it also felt like they had traded in one hardship for another. evan had been miserable with his father, but at least he had never felt the weight of poverty on his shoulders while he’d lived in ellingham. still, he would have rather lived on the streets than be trapped in the role of his father’s perfect son for even one day longer.
❝ i know i never really talked about it, but things at home weren’t great. my dad… he… well, my mom had to leave him. everyone thought he was a great guy, a great dad, but the truth is, he sucked. he expected me to be exactly like him and when i wasn’t–– ❞ evan cut himself off, the memory too painful. ❝ and his practically ignored my sisters. my mom was miserable, we were miserable. it was the best decision, the only decision, she could’ve made. i wish she’d told us, before making it, given me a chance to say goodbye, ❞ his eyes locked on joe’s, his own filled with regret, joe’s were unreadable, ❝ but… i get it. she was desperate and she didn’t want to leave anything up to chance. so, there we were, in boston, with no money, staying with my mom’s sister, terrified of what would happen when my dad found out we’d left, but, for the first time ever, we felt like a real family. ❞
❝ i started working after school, my sisters were happy, the divorce went through and it was great, for a while. we were still struggling financially though, and my after-school jobs weren’t cutting it so i, “ his voice dropped to a whisper, ashamed, “ dropped out, started working full time in an auto repair shop of all places. it was like i could hear the universe––and my dad––laughing at me. then, one day on the way to work, i saw a recruitment poster and… i went for it. the pay was good and i was young and angry and it seemed like a good idea at the time. i don’t regret it, not when it helped my sisters and my mom, but… i hated it, joe, every minute of it. it was like being back with my dad, except worse, because i didn’t have my mom, my sisters, you. it was like ellingham without all the good parts. it was hell. four years of that and then i ended up back in boston, again. honourable discharge. they said i was lucky, but it didn’t really feel that way. ❞
he took a deep breath, turning to look at the ground. ❝ i tried to go back to work, fall back into a routine. i got my GED, did my schooling, but it didn’t feel like living, you know? i was just going through the motions. i felt like my dad. it was like it didn’t matter which corner of the world i ran to, he’d always be haunting me. that’s when i knew i had to stop running. which is why i’m back. for good.❞ he looked up at joe.
❝ i didn’t know that for sure when i left boston, but now i do.” because of you, he held back from saying, but he’s sure the look in his eyes made it obvious.
