the heart

is the toughest part of the body. tenderness is in the hands. evan, 24, he/him.

[evanvvoods]

royal.

WHEN: dec. 4 10.05 am WHERE: ellingham library WHO: closed ( @cfsiilverliiniings​​​ )

evan was walking down one of the aisles in the library, running his fingers along the shelf on his right as he scanned the titles for the one he was looking for. he balanced the stack of books in the crook of his left arm, handling them carefully. the library was one of the few places in ellingham that held only good memories of evan’s childhood. unlike his house and the shop and his old school, it wasn’t tainted by memories of his father. he felt safe here, among the stacks, among the quiet.

his favourite kind of quiet was the kind of quiet you only experienced in the library. it was never completely silent––the whir and rush of the ventilation system, the flutter of someone turning a page in their book, the soft murmurs of someone speaking, the clicks and clacks of typing on a keyboard. it was the sort of quiet that didn’t feel like space between noise, it simply was. it wasn’t the heavy quiet of his house at night, or the stifling quiet of the shop in the early morning, or the nauseating quiet of his bunk in the barracks.

he was enjoying the quiet as he searched for his next book, pausing when his eyes landed on it. he reached for it, but someone’s hand interrupted his path, reaching for the same book. he startled at the sudden contact. 

❝ sorry, ❞ he said, mostly out of habit. ❝ i was just trying to get this book. ❞

[evanvvoods]

o p e n !

WHEN: dec. 2 8.43 am WHERE: kinsey auto body repair ltd. WHO: anyone

evan was alone in the shop, working on a car just to keep his hands busy. after a sleepless night, he needed to do something he didn’t have to put too much thought into, and fixing cars, that came easy to him. it was quiet in the shop, with no one else around, and he was humming a song quietly as he worked.

he was lost in thought, letting his hands work from muscle memory, when he heard a sound, or he thought he did. he slid out from underneath the car and sat up, wiping his hands on the cloth hooked around the belt loop of his worn jeans.

[rmuse]

“you and I both know we were never ‘just friends’, there was nothing platonic about the way my hands would shake for days after you’d touched them.”

— HE. (via pisceswrites)

[andywilli]

Tap my muse on the shoulder

[evanvvoods]

andy

He saw a familiar face, though he was not one to know people or be known by people. Andy walked up to the guy and tapped him on the shoulder. “What’cha got there?” He spoke as if he was trying to be annoying to them.

evan felt someone tap his shoulder and turned his head to look at them. at the question, he turned his gaze back to the envelope in his hand. ❝ just a letter, ❞ he tucked it into his back pocket, ❝ i was going to give it to someone, but i changed my mind. ❞ he squinted at the guy who had approached him. ❝ you work at the café, right? you’re... andy? ❞

[evanvvoods]

J O E.

AS HE LISTENED to evan’s story, joe bit his lip, desperately trying to stop his eyes from watering. his mother, shortly before she, too, had left ellingham, had told him vaguely about what happened and why evan had left the town in a hurry, without so much as a goodbye. but she hadn’t gone into detail, of course- after all it wasn’t their business and he was sure evan’s family had wanted to keep it private. hearing what really happened felt like a punch to the gut. mostly because, yes, joe had always been a very empathetic person - too empathetic at times - but also because it had just now hit thim that he really had had no idea what had been going on, how bad evan’s home life had been.

without thinking, joe moved even closer to evan. for a fraction of a second he considered throwing his arm around his shoulder, comfortngly patting his back to show that he was here for him, a gesture that left no room for romantic interpretation. but he’d decided against it, placing his still cold hand on evan’s, thumb moving on the back of his hand, tracing circles. comforting him while listening. hoping to god or whoever whas out there that evan wouldn’t pull away from the gesture.

he cleared his throat audibly when evan came to an end and looked up at him, unspoken words hanging in the static air between them. “i’m… so sorry for what you had to go through.” his voice was low, the radio playing in the background seemed oddly unfitting and out of place just now.  joe didn’t really know what else to say and he felt like the most boring person on earth. “i wish i could’ve been there for you.” with you. so that you wouldn’t have had to go through every thing on your own. “i’m glad you somehow found your way back here, though. even if it was a difficult one. ellingham will always offer you a place to stay, and a friendly smile, or whatever you need that moment.  - i really missed you, ev. and i’m really glad you’re back. “ he could feel the silence creeping back up at them, and it felt even more uncomfortable now that they were in such close proximity to another. feeling each other’s skin. he really hoped evan didn’t see him blush.

“speaking of - “, joe broke the silence, yet never removing his hand from evan’s or moving his knee away, “where are you staiyng? in your old house?”

❝ thank you. ❞ he said, trying to put as much emotion into those two words as possible. he had been so lost in his words he hadn’t even noticed when joe had moved closer and put his hand over evan’s, but now he was all too aware of the other’s proximity. it was hard to focus on anything aside from his closeness and the feel of joe’s cold hand against his skin. he didn’t know what to make of the gesture, but he didn’t let himself overthink it. he knew he would lie awake tonight and overanalyze every look, every action, but right now he just wanted to be in the moment. joe had a way of making it hard for evan to think, when he was around him all he could do was feel.

feeling brave, he slowly turned his hand so they were palm to palm, but he kept his hold loose, to give joe the chance to remove his hand if he wished to. ❝ i missed you, too. ❞

he nodded at the question. ❝ yeah. my dad left it to me, surprisingly. i guess he didn’t really have anyone else and i was his only son, so... he left me the business, too, of course. i was tempted to sell it to just to spite him, but... ❞ he shrugged. ❝ fixing cars is the only thing i know how to do so, i kept it. ❞ 

he really hated the shop, hated the way he could feel his dad looking over his shoulder every minute he spent there. at least at home, there had been more good memories than bad, the lingering presence of his mom and sisters a comfort to him when he was having breakfast alone in the kitchen. but at the shop, which had hardly changed in the decade he had been away, it was easy to forget his dad was gone. sometimes, evan half-expected him to appear around the corner and strike up a lecture about how real men weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty.

❝ what about you? where do you live, now? ❞ he asked, eager to change the subject away from his father.

[evanvvoods]

monroe‌

as time inched its way towards monroe’s favorite holiday, the girl couldn’t help but let her excitement out. she felt like she had been holding it back for at least a month now, but november was coming to a close and december was knocking the girl’s door down. it probably wasn’t the smartest thing for the girl to go pick up her decorations and pick out her tree on the same day. her car was definitely not big enough for both and monroe was not strong enough to get the tree on top of her car. a huff left her lips as she finally gave up, leaning it against her car. “hey, um, excuse me? do you have any advice on how to load this sucker up?” she asked the figure nearby. monroe could only hope they hadn’t been standing there for too long watching her struggle. 

evan had been walking home from work when he saw someone struggling to get a huge christmas tree onto their car. he’d left his own car at the shop, not feeling up to drive it. he was just about to offer his help to the woman when she stopped her struggle and spotted him.

❝ i don’t have any advice, but i can do this. ❞ he picked the tree up from the thickest part of the trunk and hoisted it onto the car. ❝ do you have rope to secure it? if not, i live just down the street and can run and grab some. ❞ he pointed to indicate his house which was just barely visible in the distance, keeping one hand on the tree to stabilize it.

[evanvvoods]

jeremy.

“I mean, I’m not asking for that much. A car that rolls, and is like… Smooth or whatever,” Jeremy stated with a shrug before frowning as he realized what Evan had said. “Wait… Two weeks? How am I supposed to get around town? Can’t you, like… Make it go any faster. I can tell you how to get into the grocery store before it opens or something. Sure, they won’t let you  actually buy anything, but it could possibly make your life somewhat more exciting. No offence.”

❝ a car that rolls ? ❞ evan barely resisted the urge to bang his head on the nearest wall. ❝ i don’t think breaking into the ellingham grocery store is going to help me fix your car faster. i have to special order these parts from the manufacturer, which takes time. maybe you can get one of your brothers to drive you around until then? ❞ he walked over to an open toolbox and dropped the wrench he had been holding, then wiped his hands off on a rag. ❝ and i’ve had enough excitement in my life already, thanks. ❞

[evanvvoods]

( NECK ) (adrien!)

answered here

[evanvvoods]

my muse’s (RECEIVER) reaction to your muse (SENDER) …

( NECK ) kissing mine’s neck. // @amourxdhiver​ 

oh. evan was very much a tactile person and he liked to be touched in virtually any way, as long as it was gentle. he’d seen and experienced too much violence to ever crave anything rough. he was all about soft lines and gentle caresses and slow kisses. adrien’s lips on his neck were soft and a little hesitant (in the way that one is hesitant with someone unfamiliar to them, someone they just met) and it’s a very welcome distraction from all of his troubles. he loses himself in the sensations, content to just let himself feel the w a r m t h and pleasure and heat of being with someone. he lets out a low moan and arches his neck to give him better access, inviting him to keep going, without having to use any words.

[evanvvoods]

brooke.

this time of the year was always difficult for brooke,  she never really knew what to do with herself during the holiday’s since losing her parents,  and the last thing she wanted to do was intrude on other people’s happiness, so she had the tendency to keep to herself and bury herself in setting up her schedule for the next year of life,  however,  she was taking a small break from all of that,  and she was visiting the winter cafe to grab a drink and a little treat.  she glanced down for a second and accidentally bumped into another person.  ❝  oh, i’m so sorry,  ❞  she quickly apologized,  offering the other a sincere smile.  ❝  i wasn’t paying attention to where i was going.  ❞

@evanvvoods​​

❝ don’t worry about it. it happens. i wasn’t paying attention either. ❞ evan had been lost in thought, wondering whether he should even attempt to buy presents for his sisters this year or just send them gift cards and avoid the stress of figuring out what they would like. he could always ask one of his sisters her opinion on gifts for the others, but he didn’t trust any of them not to tell, they were awful at keeping secrets. what he needed was an outside opinion.

❝ hey maybe you could help me? i’m trying to get christmas gifts for my sisters and i’m... struggling. ❞ he tilted his phone screen toward the woman, showing her an image of a lost in translation poster art print. ❝ one of them wants to be a director and sofia coppola is one of her favourites. do you think it’s a little too on the nose? ❞

[evanvvoods]

sam.

WHEN: nov. 25 10.18 am WHERE: outside samantha & evan’s houses WHO: @samcnthaking​ (closed)

evan had stepped outside of his father’s house after another sleepless night. he had called the manager of kinsey auto repair and let him know that he’d be coming in later in the day, something which evan had never had the privilege of doing, not even when his father was the owner of the shop. especially not then. it was the first time he had used his authority as the owner to get away with something and even that made him feel uneasy. he probably would end up staying late in the shop to make up for it, anyways, but his mom would have been proud of him for making the call.

he had made himself a cup of tea and planned to sit on the porch and enjoy it. the house felt too crowded with memories of all the years he had spent in it as a child. outside he could actually breathe. he had just taken his first sip when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye and tensed up. 

it was just one of the neighbours––a short, brown haired woman who looked vaguely familiar to him, in the same way that most people in the town did. evan had heard the kings still lived there––which was expected of ellingham, not a lot of people moved away––so he realized who the woman must be.

❝ sam? is that you? ❞

[thequotejournals]

I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

Lora Mathis, If There’s A Way Out I’ll Take It (via thequotejournals)

[evanvvoods]

J O E.

JOE just gave him a look that read ‘oh, come on’, and softly shook his head. “well, I would certainly call them lucky. you may not know it but you’re quite the catch, ev. “ the long-forgotten nickname escaped his lips easily, without him even knowing it. but it felt natural. the more time they spent in each others’ proximity, the more joe felt them going back to the dynamic they had before evan had left. best friends, for ever and ever. no matter how evan felt about him now, and no matter how angry and sad joe had been when he’d left, no matter the massive crush joe had been harboring on evan for all of thirteen years now, they’d always have a special place in each others’ heart.

he, too, noticed how evan kept it vague when talking about romantic interests and significant others. ‘people’. and he felt his heart jump at the thought that - that there may just be the slightest possibility evan had reciprocated joe’s feelings all those years ago. or maybe that he did so now. that maybe he had the same feelings that he’d helped joe discover. how would he react if he just suddenly blurted out that evan was what had made him doubt his sexuality, that he was the reason joe had explored those feelings, why he had his fair share of ex-boyfriends roaming around ellingham ?

his gaze dropped down to where their knees were inches apart. it was as if he’d stepped into a time-machine and was back in the body of his fourteen-year-old self, who got hot and flustered while sitting on that bench outside evan’s house with him, bodies impossibly close yet too far away. and suddenly, present-joe felt his leg move that extra inch, their knees now touching. he felt a shiver run down his spine and quickly diverted his gaze, running a hand through his hair, as he’d always done when he was nervouse. “ so - how have you been ?”, joe asked, boring even himself with the question. “ what’ve you been up to the past decade?”

he didn’t know what got to him more, the fact that joe had called him a catch, or the casual use of his old nickname. as always, joe had managed to throw him off balance in the span of a single sentence. It was really a one-two punch, the compliment––which was probably just joe being nice––and the nickname. it had been 10 years since he’d heard joe call him that, but hearing it now, while sitting on the couch next to him, it made him feel like no time had passed.

maybe joe had less self-restraint than he did, or maybe the couch was just too small for two grown men to sit on, but he felt joe’s knee gently knock against his. he might have been feeling like a fourteen year old kid again but he was suddenly and viscerally reminded that neither of them were little kids anymore. he was struck by joe’s presence; he wasn’t just taller now, he was bigger, and not just physically, but his personality, too. there was so much more to this joe then the one he knew, so many layers and intricacies, it was overwhelming. they both took up more space than they used to and it made the space between them feel like it had shrunk, literally and metaphorically. joe was so close and warm and present. evan wanted to wrap himself up in his warmth.

he knew joe had asked the question casually, had meant for it to be small talk, but he felt comfortable enough now to stop beating around the bush and get into the reason he had approached joe in the first place––or one of the reasons, at least.

❝ well, after we left, ❞ he started, ❝ which i had no idea was happening, for the record, things were… difficult. i mean, things were always difficult, just in a different way. ❞ he knew he was being vague, but even years later it was hard to talk about. he was glad his mom had left his father, but it also felt like they had traded in one hardship for another. evan had been miserable with his father, but at least he had never felt the weight of poverty on his shoulders while he’d lived in ellingham. still, he would have rather lived on the streets than be trapped in the role of his father’s perfect son for even one day longer.

❝ i know i never really talked about it, but things at home weren’t great. my dad… he… well, my mom had to leave him. everyone thought he was a great guy, a great dad, but the truth is, he sucked. he expected me to be exactly like him and when i wasn’t–– ❞ evan cut himself off, the memory too painful. ❝ and his practically ignored my sisters. my mom was miserable, we were miserable. it was the best decision, the only decision, she could’ve made. i wish she’d told us, before making it, given me a chance to say goodbye, ❞ his eyes locked on joe’s, his own filled with regret, joe’s were unreadable, ❝ but… i get it. she was desperate and she didn’t want to leave anything up to chance. so, there we were, in boston, with no money, staying with my mom’s sister, terrified of what would happen when my dad found out we’d left, but, for the first time ever, we felt like a real family. ❞

❝ i started working after school, my sisters were happy, the divorce went through and it was great, for a while. we were still struggling financially though, and my after-school jobs weren’t cutting it so i, “ his voice dropped to a whisper, ashamed, “ dropped out, started working full time in an auto repair shop of all places. it was like i could hear the universe––and my dad––laughing at me. then, one day on the way to work, i saw a recruitment poster and… i went for it. the pay was good and i was young and angry and it seemed like a good idea at the time. i don’t regret it, not when it helped my sisters and my mom, but… i hated it, joe, every minute of it. it was like being back with my dad, except worse, because i didn’t have my mom, my sisters, you.  it was like ellingham without all the good parts. it was hell. four years of that and then i ended up back in boston, again. honourable discharge. they said i was lucky, but it didn’t really feel that way. ❞

he took a deep breath, turning to look at the ground. ❝ i tried to go back to work, fall back into a routine. i got my GED, did my schooling, but it didn’t feel like living, you know? i was just going through the motions. i felt like my dad. it was like it didn’t matter which corner of the world i ran to, he’d always be haunting me. that’s when i knew i had to stop running. which is why i’m back. for good.❞ he looked up at joe. 

❝ i didn’t know that for sure when i left boston, but now i do.” because of you, he held back from saying, but he’s sure the look in his eyes made it obvious.

[ashesandhalefire]

Is that what you want? We’re not kids anymore. What I want doesn’t matter.

[evanvvoods]

J O E.

IT OCCURRED to joe as they were walking outside in the cold, side by side, in silence, that he’d forgotten his gloves at home. which didn’t make things easier, because the colder his hands got the better an idea it seemed to slip his hand into evan’s, just like that, just like they’d done when they were kids, when it hadn’t been awkward and when it wouldn’t have possibly meant anything more. when he wouldn’t have feared evan’s reaction, his rejection. the more joe thought about these moments they’d shared back then the angrier and more agitated he felt himself get. because they couldn’t just turn back time, because it only just dawned on him that so much could’ve been easier if evan has just fucking stayed here.

but whatever could he get out of being angry? how would that help him? joe decided to repress the feeling. but he also didn’t slip his hands into the pockets of his coat. it felt better to leave them out - maybe evan would grab them, in a moment of passion and silliness ? - in the cold. his eyes were fixed onto the snowy streets before him, well aware of evan’s hot gaze on his frame. it was as if he felt the others’ eyes pierce deep into his soul. silence wouldn’t do, he realised, and he was thoroughly relieved that evan was the first to speak up.

he glanced at his friend -did that description still fit them ? - and his heart skipped a beat as he saw the small smile on his soft features. joe quickly diverted his gaze. “yeah, yeah i love running it. i took over when i finished school so i never went away for uni or anything.”, he said, but there was no regret in his voice. it was true, he didn’t regret never moving away. there was always something holding him here, binding him to ellingham. he was content here.

joseph was thoroughly unprepared for evan’s question and, as he pushed open the doors to the small, vintage-looking bookstore, hearing the familiar bells chime, all he could do was let out a dry chuckle. “ no, uh, no there’s definitely no mrs.whenham, not that i’m aware of, anyway.”, he explained, taking off the long, knitted scarf that margo had given him to christmases ago. “ not even my mum, she took back her maiden name after .. well, you know what. “ the divorce. he was okay with it, of course. he’d made his peace with the situation a long time ago, but that didn’t mean that the word didn’t still leave a sour, bitter taste in his mouth. “ there’s only a miss whenham now and that’s margo. “ why had he asked? just a simply inquiry abot your life, joe, don’t read any fucking thing into it for god’s sake, you haven’t seen each other in ten years. “i mean there’s been some people over the years, of course. but - no one right now. nothing serious right now. “

he dreaded the question but he felt like had no other choice but to ask. joe went around the counter, throwing his large coat on the floor somewhere, and turned on the radio, soft, old-timey christmas songs filling the static air. he looked around for a moment, eyes lingering on evan, again, for way too long, before he walked towards the couch in a more secluded part of the shop - it was a cosy corner, but you could still see a glimpse of the outside, as it allowed you to look out the shop window. unsure, he sat down, patting the space next to him. “ how about you, then ? any lucky lady or lad that’s managed to tie you down ? “

he wondered why joe had never left ellingham. he could understand the allure of the town; it would always be home, no matter how long you spent away from it, no matter how many bad memories you made here, there was something about this town that drew in. then again, maybe it wasn’t the town that made it feel like home to evan, maybe it was just the person who lived there. still, that wouldn’t explain why joe stayed. he could have gone away for uni at least, but he didn’t. a small part of evan, the hopeless romantic part, thought he might have been waiting for evan. but that was stupid, even if joe cared about evan half as much as evan did for him, why would he wait for him when he had left without so much as a goodbye.

he’d told himself it didn’t matter if the answer to his question was no, it didn’t mean anything. just because joe was single––a thought that made his heart jump into his throat––didn’t mean he would ever be interested in evan. that didn’t stop his hopes from rising up out of the pit he had buried them in when joe said there was no one in his life.

at the mention of joe’s mother and his parent’s divorce, evan barely resisted the urge to hug joe. the divorce had happened only a few months before evan had left and it was one of the reasons why evan felt so guilty for leaving joe––even though he had no choice in the matter. losing his mom and his best friend in the same year, he couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for joe.

he didn’t miss the fact that joe had said there had been some people over the years, not women. it could mean nothing and evan was reading too much into it, but it almost sounded like joe had emphasized it. did it mean that joe wasn’t only interested in women, or wasn’t interested in them at all? or was he just one of those guys who tried to be as inclusive as possible in their language? evan could see joe being that guy, he was always so accommodating, so considerate of others. it was something he had always admired about him, but now it was a little frustrating, trying to decipher the meaning behind his words.

he’d followed joe into the shop, watched as joe seemed to relax in the familiar environment, tossing his coat on the floor, fiddling with the radio. but then he turned to face evan and his posture was tense again. when he sat down and gestured for evan to take the spot next to him on the couch, he hesitated before taking his jacket off and joining him. he folded it and draped it over the back of the couch carefully before turning to face joe. they were sitting so close that their knees were almost touching, evan would only have to shift slightly to bump joe’s knee if he wanted to. and he did want to, but he forced himself to be still.

evan laughed at the question, a short self-deprecating laugh. ❝ no, there isn’t anyone. and i wouldn’t call them lucky if there were. ❞ he gestured at himself with his left hand. ❝ not exactly an eligible bachelor. but like you said, there’s been people, just no one special. ❞

[evanvvoods]

“Is that a– Wait, no, just an airplane.” (liaaaa)

answered here

[evanvvoods]

“Is that a– Wait, no, just an airplane.” // @liatrxn

evan looked up from his phone, startled by the voice. he had been checking his siblings group chat, but he wasn’t about to catch up on 238 messages so he didn’t mind being interrupted. the person who spoke was the cashier at the café and she was standing near him on the sidewalk, looking up at the sky. he followed her gaze to an airplane flying over the town. at this distance, it was about the size of a large bird. for a second, he felt a rush of panic, but he reminded himself that he was home, in ellingham, where planes flying overheard were not threats, just mundane sights. 

he tried his best to sound friendly when he spoke in a teasing voice, ❝ did you think it was a UFO? aliens in ellingham would be something.❞