Every inch of Everett's being had been exposed since she had heard of her fathers death. She had finally shown someone, shown Lukas, who she really was, from the inside out. Goodbyes had been said, as inconspicuous as they were, and now she was faced with the end. It was like a long, drawn out day that she had been waiting her entire life for. But all good things had to come to an end. And the time had come.
Despite Dr. Tyde's promise that she would be under suicide watch, as far as she could tell, there were no nurses in sight. Not a single one. And the one posted at her door wasn't even there when she returned. As the door to her room closed behind her, she stared at the slowly dimming light, illuminating every inch of pristine white in a bath of diluted glow. Gentle blue was beginning to reflect the nights wishes, as the sun disappeared and she found herself drawn to the window. Her fingers pressed against the pane of glass, eyes staring out at the last sunrise she would ever see. Turning away from it after a few minutes of silence, she faced once again the room that she had called her own for so long.
Soon, there would be someone else living here. Another patient, hoping for a way out. She hoped they wouldn't find the same solution that she did.
The surfaces were empty now, all of her stuff packed into a neat little box. She had done the work for everyone else. Fingertips ran across the empty desk, feeling the cool wood beneath the pads of her fingers. How many memories resided in this room? How many nights had she lay awake, thinking of thousands of things. Thinking of Jason and Lukas and Dustin... Thinking of home and Zeke and her father and her mother... Things that now seemed distant. Like they had just been small threads in the delicate weaving fabric that was her life. A fabric that was slowly ripping, down to it's last, unbroken loop.
The box was placed on her bed, a note laid beside it perfectly. There wasn't much inside the box. A few books, a journal that she had scribbled some bullshit in and doodled stickmen she had created during group therapy sessions... Beside those, she had stuck her razor. No need in hiding it now. A half-full pack of smokes, a box of matches and a few random keys that she had found lying around.
This is what she had been reduced to. The entirety of her life was now packed into a small, perfectly square cardboard box. It sounded like something out of a Radiohead song. The thought made her smile, a sad little smile, before she picked it up, along with the note and moved them to her desk.
Next, she found herself in front of the mirror, eyes staring back at the ghostly white dead girl that she found in the reflection. She had to admit, she looked like shit. Bags under her eyes and sunken in cheeks, dull and lifeless eyes, limp hair. Just as dead on the outside as she felt on the inside. Her fingers had grown bonier than before, knuckles sticking out and turning white as she unturned the bottle of pills in her hand. They weren't hers. She had grabbed them a long time ago, to deal with headaches without having to ask the nurses for painkillers. But the bottle was still practically full.
One by one she lined them up in a neat little line, staring down at the powder white circles. Soon, the bottle was empty and she set it on the sink counter, taking one last look at herself. The only comfort she had, in knowing that her body would soon rot beneath the Earth, was that it was better for everyone. For Jason and Lukas and Derrick and everyone else here. She was a burden.
Lifting the first, she popped it in her mouth, eyes closing.
"One for Lukas..." Her voice was tired, distant and dying in the silence of the bathroom. Another pill and again she spoke to herself, the few last words she would ever form. "And one for Jason..."
And so it preceded. She would swallow a pill and name a name, ignoring her own reflection, somewhat afraid of the expression she wore. It was torn between serenity and inexplicable pain. Forty one pills later and she felt sick, full of water and the names had stopped many pills ago. Clutching the side of the sink, she listened to her shallow breathing. Tears were beginning to form, streaming down her cheeks like rivers, droplets greeting the sink with quiet sounds.
Slowly, she stumbled back into her room, falling onto her bed. The room was beginning to spin, everything fading in and out. And the pain... Her stomach was working to make sense of the sudden overdose that was beginning to kill her. Her head was throbbing and the water she had drank threatened to make her puke up all her efforts. But it stayed down. And minutes later she had managed to roll onto her back, hair fanning out along her pillow, framing her head like a scene from a horror movie. Feeling was beginning to leave. The pain was still there but she welcomed it and let her eyes close.
It was all she could focus on, all she could grasp with her sub-conscious and she wouldn't have it any other way. There was a suspension of numbing silence, where she wasn't sure if she had fallen asleep or if she had actually died but then... The faintest smell of ocean water caused her eyes to open. Here she was. She had made it. A glance to her side and yes... Lukas was with her too, hand outstretched, waiting for her to take it. The sand beneath her feet felt like heaven and she felt weightless as her fingers clasped with Lukas's, allowing herself to be pulled into the gentle wake that lapped at their feet.
She was free. And she had kept her promise - she knew that she would visit that island with him. She had known it all along. For her mother used to say that heaven was whatever you wanted it to be.
And more than anything, Everett wanted her heaven to be exactly that.
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