Ready or Not

[everydayshewearsthesamething]

Miles to go.

I am just so fucking tired all the fucking time.

We saw 3D imaging of our 10 week 1 day old fetus today.

It was not cute. But I love it anyway.

In other news, I survived nicotine withdrawal. I have not had the easiest life, and quitting cold turkey is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[everydayshewearsthesamething]

I get by with a little help from my friends.

[everydayshewearsthesamething]

My mind is on the brink.

First trimester pregnancy exhaustion is real. Over the past three days, I have fallen asleep sitting up at my computer no fewer than seven times.

[everydayshewearsthesamething]

I'm just trying to be a human being.

I was a smoker for 13+ years? I started two weeks before my 17th birthday (thanks to a stolen pack of my mother's—I shit you not—Benson & Hedges Ultra Light Menthols) and switched to vaping (I know, I know, I do not want to talk about it) when after a few months of dating, I confessed to my now husband that I was a secret smoker, and he sort of gently implied that was a dealbreaker and maybe I should try a vape pen instead?

So I've been a vaper (is that what it's called? lame) since November 2018 and was planning to quit when things calmed down after our wedding and our move to our forever home in order to prepare for thinking about sort of starting to try for a baby.

Except I found out I was pregnant last Tuesday. So I had to quit. Cold turkey.

AND IT IS HARD. IT IS NOT GOING GREAT. I AM GENERALLY PRETTY FUCKING MISERABLE ABOUT IT EXCEPT, YOU KNOW. THINK OF THE BABY PARASITE THE SIZE OF AN ORANGE SEED.

And that's just. You know. 17 years or whatever of withdrawal. Let's not even get into the actual first trimester pregnancy symptoms that are contributing to the worst mood I have literally ever been in.

So. I ordered 400 Dum Dums and am using them to help with the psychological withdrawal. They finally arrived approximately 12 minutes ago and after ripping into the box and bag like my life depended on it, I have already had 7. They are not not helping.

[everydayshewearsthesamething]

I am too old for this.

I married the love of my life, bought a home, and found out I was pregnant (five weeks today!) in a 24-day span. (FWIW, we did manage to wait until after the wedding to conceive. By a week. Not that we weren't, you know, living in sin beforehand since March 2020.)

I'm too old for Tumblr, though. And yet, I feel that journaling or blogging or *something* is what I need right now because...I'm sorry, what the actual fuck just happened?

Five years ago, I was living in my parents' basement and my life had just imploded and I was basically taking care of everyone else except myself. Now, I have a super solid and successful career/business, which has been steadily on the rise since Fall 2017 and growing year over year.

But again: what the fuck.

I'm super excited and everything, it's just...WHAT JUST HAPPENED.