Everything I Should've Said... @everything-ishouldvesaid - Tumblr Blog

I wish I overdosed that time.

I'm sorry I'm not enough

I hate feeling like this. Feeling like you’re a burden to someone, feeling completely unimportant. “I tell you everyday how much you mean to me.” Yeah but then you treat me like shit afterwards doesn’t make it better. Before, I never had to question it, now I have to question it everyday. I have to ask myself why the fuck am I here if he’s just going to complain about everything little thing I do and make me feel bad for wanting to go out with him. If it’s that fucking unenjoyable, don’t fucking do it.

We went out last night because I’ve been wanting to go to this one place but it’s so far from where we’re at I understand it’s not ideal to drive that far. Don’t make a fucking scene out of driving so fucking far and then be like “nah it’s ok” obviously fucking not if you had to say something 10 fucking times because now I’m in a shit mood bc I feel like I’m making you take me out to a place I like and you don’t even wanna fucking go. The point for us to go out is so that we both have a good time. I appreciate the initiative to go to one of my favorite spots but if you’re just going to complain and be a fucking dick I’m obviously not going to enjoy myself. I enjoyed the meal, yes bc I’ve been craving sushi for a long ass fucking time now but it wasn’t a satisfying meal bc I constantly had anxiety bc my boyfriend made me feel like “It’s your fault we’re out here in the first place so you better have a good time.” wow, way to make me feel so special on one of the only times we ever go out, thank you so much for driving me here. Is that what you want to hear? ... well thanks.

Where we sit is not a big issue. I know that. But I signed us in under table bc I wanted to sit at a table. If I wanted to sit at the bar I would've went straight to the bar. Then he asked us and you said yes anyways bc you were getting impatient and that’s fine. You made that decision, but don’t throw it on me to order everything now bc I wanted to go there. I hate sitting at the bar bc it gives me anxiety and it was already busy that night. “This was your choice so you order it, don’t make me uncomfortable.” Awesome, so my anxiety doesn’t matter if you have it too. You’re just gonna make me do something I didn’t wanna do bc you got impatient and made a decision and then asked me afterwards if it’s okay. Smart. So considerate. Then you have the audacity to complain about me looking upset bc you don’t like being out in public with a girl if she looks unhappy.

So instead of having a nice night out with my boyfriend and him taking me out just to show slight appreciation for me, it was my boyfriend having the worst night of his life and blaming it all on me and then getting more upset with me bc my face showed my upsetness.

If you’re gonna do something simply bc you think the “act” of something will make me happy, it most likely won’t because I enjoy things more when I know you enjoy doing whatever it is with me. But taking me out to complain the whole time and making me feel or doing anything that I like to do with me like such an inconvenience isn’t a good fucking time... for anyone.

#smallrant #morningthoughts

This is a rant.

I'm upset... because my boyfriend and I have been together over a year and he still has previous hook ups' / girls and shits numbers in his phone. I deleted almost every piece of contact to any guy I've ever been involved with on my phone and all social media. I know I shouldn't expect him to do the same because yes it was my choice, but it's upsetting because he still has back up plans if we don't work out. So he doesn't believe in us. And for a year we're pretty committed. We live together, he lets me use his car, we're planning on buying a house next year. So yes I am upset that he feels the need to keep shit for backup plans

My life is nothing but apologies. Apologies from other people because of how they treat me when things don’t go their way or when they don’t get what they want and they say or do things that hurt me because they’re not thinking. “Everybody says things they don’t mean when they’re upset.” I don’t. I keep it to myself until I know what the fuck is going on so I don’t hurt someone I care about. I guess I don’t get that luxury in return though. Because I live in a constant state of anxiety where I feel as if my life is a fucking joke to everyone. They just sit around and wait for me to fuck up something and then once I do it’s nothing but “I told you so.” Everyone also feels the need to scold or parent me like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing but i know what the fuck I’m doing more than almost all of them. They all want to scold and parent rather than help and OFFER advice. No one cares the way they want it to seem that they do. I do. I will always chose someone else’s preference over mine because i can sacrifice what i want and be happy knowing that they got what they wanted. But the second I actually want something, I feel selfish for even asking. It’s a long debate with myself before I would even bring it up. If I do have enough courage to ask someone to do what I want, that takes a lot. But then everyone gets upset because now I’m asking for shit. It’s not what they wanna do so now they’re sad. They’re upset. They didn’t get their way. “Treat people they way you want to be treated.” Fuck. That. No one treats me the way I treat everyone else. All I do is help people. And take care of them. Guess what I want? Someone to help and take care of me. But no. That doesn’t happen. No one helps or takes care of me.

I try and j try and it's always fucking there. It's all I see, it's all I hear and it's I feel. It's come to a point where it feels like a whole other person is following me around and whenever it touches me, boom. Full blown anxiety, panic, depression, and every other bullshit thing I can think of. I thought I got better but recently it's reminding me that it's still there. Awesome. My sensible side is trying to talk myself out of it, but all I can fucking hear is that other voice. Lately, all I hear are the negative comments around me, playful or not. It sticks and it's there and I hear it. On replay throughout my whole fucking day. Play by play. My boyfriend and I have a very playful relationship. We're both grade A assholes to each other but that's our thing. But that voice is manipulating all of it into something it's not and it's so hard to fight it. But everything he says lately is directed to my appearance. And with my anxiety around, I am nothing but insecurities under a thin layer of "I'm gonna fake it until I get the fuck home." Because of this bullshit, every time he looks at me all I hear is him saying, "you're butt is so lose, you need to tighten that up." "Oh my god, what's happening to your stomach" as he says while squeezing it. "You really need to gym." "You're average." "I don't date you for your looks, I dare you for your personality." He says as we're talking about one of his ex hook ups who's clearly more fucking attractive than I am. Every time he looks at me that's all I see and that's all I fucking feel. I don't feel sexy anymore so I don't wanna have sex. I don't feel like wow, he's only staring at me because he loves me. I don't feel any separation from any one of these fucking females anywhere. I feel like an ugly, little Shit ball, that's he's settled for because well. There's always something about my appearance that needs to be fixed. I'm sorry. I can't fucking go to the gym every day twice a day because I actually work for my shit. I don't strip every night and have oodles of FUCKING time during the day. I could easily afford a nice body if I did though. But really. What the FUCK do you want from me All I do is take care of other people and help take some of their pain away. Everyone needs me to keep it together so that I can help them. Who's gonna help me? Who's gonna take care of me? Who's gonna take my pain away for once? Because it seems like lately no one can. Because they all need to give their pain to me. I listen to everyone, I help everyone. All I want, is for someone to just want to stop what they're doing and listen to the reasons I can't sleep at night. I want someone to want to find out why I suddenly can't speak but I can hear every voice around me at full volume. All I want is for someone to take care of me. For fucking once, can someone please help me.

vintica

vintage blog

It’s getting worse. I can feel it. I can feel the symptoms getting stronger faster. Instead of slowly losing my breath, I suddenly get the wind knocked out of me. Instead of my heart rate escalating, it triples in seconds. Instead of my eyes fogging up with tears, they now pour within my next blink. Instead of slowly hearing every little sound around me, they’re all turned up to maximum volume at once. The anxiety or panic is getting worse and I can feel it once my body goes numb. Every heartache I’ve ever felt is brought back to me in those seconds. All I want is to do is cry for help, or say something but I can’t seem to find my voice in all the chaos my body is dealing with. Even at that, I have this little voice inside my head making me question if what I’m trying to say is even important enough for me to mention, or if whoever is around really wants to hear it. Because if I shared what goes through my mind during those times, whoever was around would only think I’m crazy. I feel so helpless.

The last time I had anxiety this bad I snapped myself out of it. I don’t remember how, but I did. From there I’ve worked so fucking hard to push it all behind me and actually feel like the person I am without it. Every time my heart shakes, every time I lose my breath, every fucking time that happens I just watch all my progress being slowly taken apart by another version of myself I wish was dead.

First one.

Instant Rage.

Maybe it was the collection of every little thing bunched up into a two hour time span. Maybe it was one specific thing. Maybe it was something else. Maybe it was anything else. Maybe it was this. Maybe it was that. Whatever it was, it was like a switch. & I went off. I could feel every molecule of my being shaking with anger and pain. I wanted to yell everything that was running through my mind, but my mouth wasn’t fast enough. There was anger in words and hatred in my voice. I could hear it. I felt it. I wanted to keep shouting out the frustration. I wanted it out of my body. I wanted it out of my heart. I wanted it out of me. I needed it out of me.

I can’t remember the last time I felt that angry, and that quickly at that. I knew it was because of him. I feel so deeply and strongly for him, I forgot the terrible emotions that come with that. It’s been nothing but good. This comes along and it is terrible. I forgot how deeply someone can feel hate.

Second one.

The Hurt.

Once the anger had left my body, I began to cry. The hole in my chest demanded to be felt. I couldn’t stop it. I realized, I was more hurt than anything. I’ve spent so long training my body to recognize this sensation of heartache and let it go. Forget about it. Dismiss it. I have done so to prevent nights like this. Nights where I sit alone in a pitch black room and feel at ease. Nights when I can swallow myself in my pain and feel comfortable. Nights when all I want to do is go back to when I felt dead inside all the time. Since I met him, the dead in myself has awakened. I no longer feel like a corpse. I can feel my soul. From the second she was revived it has been nothing but deep loving emotions. I forget that you can also feel pain deeply as well. Tonight I was gravely reminded. Just like yelling out all the anger, I tried to cry out all of the pain.

I’m starting to think that I became too emotionally invested in this one person too soon.

What I need from you. I will never ask or expect any of this from you or anyone, but this is everything I truly need from you. I need you to listen. To hear what I say and understand it without interruption. If I'm saying something (anything at all) and I'm interrupted or ignored, that's shows how little you value my words and I will not finish what I was saying and I will most likely never mention anything about it again. So please, if you want to know me, listen quietly and listen attentively. I need you to notice. Notice the little things I do. The movement of my hands depending on what mood I'm in. The shine of my eyes when there's a tone in my voice. Notice the softness or strong feeling in my voice when talking about certain subjects. Notice the little things about me that are commonly overlooked. I need you to know me. Know me better than I know myself. Know me well enough to know when to go against my judgement and do what is better for me when the time comes. Know things about me that no one does. To do all this you need to listen. So please, listen quietly and attentively. Observe carefully and understand deeply. That is what I need from you.

I thought of losing you and I felt the heartache in my chest, in my stomach, in my bones and in my throat. I felt heartache in my hips and my fingertips. The thought of losing you didn't just cause my heart to ache, it caused my entire being to ache.

Everything-ishouldvesaid

#everything-should've said #writing #short #quoye #late night

She is a scared little girl.

You’ve gotten down to my last layer. She’s this little girl who is scared. She is scared because she’s given so much of herself to people she shouldn’t have. She doesn’t know if what she has left is even enough for someone to appreciate if it’s given. She isn’t easily trusting, but she’s sweet and nice and will give herself to you piece by piece if you ask. She will not look you in the eyes or even in your direction. When you speak to her, her voice trembles and her hands shake. Her eyes are constantly filled with tears and all she does is anticipate her next heartbreak. She needs to figure out how she’ll survive it because it’s going to happen. She needs to become accustomed to pain so that it doesn’t hurt as deeply when it comes. No one is going to appreciate the little pieces of her she has left and the pieces of her that were given away but thrown back because whoever had them wasn’t happy with what they were.

She is the last layer. The last one here and she isn’t strong enough to push you back. You’ve made it this far which means this is it. Once she loves you, there’s no going back. She will love you with every little broken piece of her and if you hurt her in anyway accidental or purposely she will close up again to slowly heal the pain she feels because she cannot take much. Hurt her once, she’ll remember the pain and she’ll be discouraged. She’ll become more and more discouraged. She’ll need more reassurance than you thought. She’ll need constant love and affection. She is a child. She is a baby girl. She is a little girl who was too trusting and is now scared.

#everything-ishouldvesaid #writing #late night #thoughts #short

I don’t trust anyone who makes my heart ache.

If you’ve done it once, you’ll do it again.

#everything-ishouldvesaid #short #late night #writing

Don’t make me regret this.

It’s absolutely annoying how much I feel for you. A while ago I developed this switch. I can control it if I want to flip off my emotions and/or turn them on. I’ve kept them off since then because I found it quite easier to go through life and feel nothing. I felt no pain or loss when people wanted to leave. I also felt no joy or excitement. I was okay with giving that up if I felt no pain. I’d gone through too much and wasn’t able to go through anymore. So I gave it up.

You walk into my life and start tearing down my defenses to keep everyone at a a certain distance. A safe distance. My feelings grew and now that switch isn’t in my control anymore. I feel. I feel everything so deeply towards you and I can’t stop. I let you in and I’m trusting you. I’m trusting you to not to do to me what put me in that emotionless state. Please don’t make me regret letting you in.

I beg you.

#everything-ishouldvesaid #writing #short #late night #this sucks

07.08.16 | 23:13

Dear You,

Thank you.

I cannot express the extent of my gratitude in any other statement.

Thank you.

In life we sometimes feel as if the good things are given to us because we’ve deserved them. I know I did not deserve this. I know I did not deserve him. As a matter of fact, my life was close to its all time low. Him strolling into my life like this was not a coincidence. I can’t think of any other person who would send him my way except for you. Looking back to how his life and my own lined up so that this could happen seems nearly impossible... but however this happened. I am grateful.

He takes care of me in ways no one could possibly understand if I could explain it to them. He holds parts of me no one can touch with their hands. He loves me so deeply that parts of me I thought had died feel again.

He knows he doesn’t know me completely, but he’s willing to take the time to learn. I’m naturally giving parts of myself to him piece by piece without knowing. He’s breaking down walls I thought were solid and indestructible. If this is just a game to him, I applaud him because he plays this game very well.

I look into his eyes and I can see the rest of my life. There’s a cautious part of me that is absolutely is terrified. The rest of me is continuing to fall so carelessly and comfortably that I’m giving up. I let him in.

I let him in.

After all the hard work I put into building these walls to keep people out or from getting too close to me, within a span of roughly three months he has done more than any man has and continues to proceed. I am still astounded.

...

I’m sitting on the balcony of our room in Maui in the middle of the night thinking about you and how you were practically my life until you passed. I started thinking about him too and that’s how I came to everything here. The more I think, the more I realize that you must’ve sent him to me. You left and you couldn’t stand the thought of your little girl going through life and into the world alone, so you went to find someone. Someone who could care for and love me just a portion of how much you did because there’s no way anyone could live up to that. After a little while, you found him. His own motives sent him across country to the exact city I was living in at almost the same time. Then we met because he landed a job with my uncle that I was living with and I decided to join my uncle at a company lunch that I was completely unaware of. (because if I knew what it was I would not have went) All those little details happened to line up so precisely. How curious.

...

“Well look who I ran into,” crowed Coincidence.

“Please,” flirted Fate, “this was meant to be.”

#everything-ishouldvesaid #writing #late night #thoughts #blog

That split moment of peace right before you fall asleep, and that urge of excitement and fear right before your cart falls off the top of a rollercoaster...

There are ultimately two kinds of love. An exciting love when all you feel is butterflies when you see them, your heart races and pounds out of your chest. You can’t breathe when you look at them. The sight, the thought, just the touch of them is exhilarating to you. Then there’s the comfortable love. You see them and you don’t get butterflies, your heart doesn't skip a beat, your emotions aren’t running wild. You see them and you think you’re home. You’re at peace. Their touch relaxes you more than sitting on the beach and wasting a weekend away. Their presence warms your heart and it feels as if you’re wrapped up in the warmest and softest blanket in the world. You feel them, and it’s love in it’s purest form.

I was a firm believer in the ideal that any love you have can be placed in those two categories... until I met him.

When I first saw him, the only word to accurately describe the feeling was giddy. I became a giddy little girl. Prior to meeting him, if you were to ask me what my ideal type of man was I would say, “Filipino and white. Muscular. Tattoos. Motorcycle. Crooked smile. Appearance wise at least.” That’s exactly what he was. I was trying so hard not to blush or giggle too flirtatiously. I remember watching what I said so that I wouldn’t sound so much like a child as I had just turned 18 and he was a grown man. I admit I was slightly intimidated, but it seemed as if the epitome of what I thought an attractive man would be was just thrown in my lap. Just to see my reaction, just for fun.

We didn’t speak for two years and then some chain reaction of events occurred and next month we’ll be moving in together. I couldn’t be more excited. Not because it’s something new and thrilling. Not because I’m young and I’m trying to fast forward my life so that I may place “House”. I’m excited because I get to wake up next to the man I’m so deeply in love with. Fall asleep next to him. Make meals with him. Build a home with him. Live with and love him.

Throughout the time we have spent together I come to realize that he is all I’ve been looking for. I don’t believe that’s too bold of a statement to say. I know how I feel and how different this is. We share similar mindsets, out looks on life and mentalities. He doesn’t know it, but he understands me more than he realizes. I know this just on how he speaks his thoughts out loud to me. They’re exactly the same thoughts I have, the only difference is that it’s easier for him to voice and organize his thoughts. I am so in love with his mind. It’s interesting and beautiful in every way. Physical appearance, spot on. It all comes down to who he is as a person that makes me so sure of why we’re great together.

| 06.14.16 - 10:02 |

Lately, friends have been dropping out of my life like flies. Whether I cut them out of my life or vise versa. People have been leaving and for the few friends I still have I need them to know that I value everything they are to me. That’s why I am usually the person to pay for them when we go out, or go out of my way to see them or whatever the case may be. Last night was my best friends graduation from Corrections Academy and I wasn’t able to attend. She knows I still love her and I know that it had no impact on our relationship. I just feel like a shitty friend because I know what it’s like to have someone important cancel on you or not be able to show up to something that is quite important to you. I’ve been in that position many times and I’d rather her not feel like that. Granted it doesn't impact our friendship but I don’t like the thought of someone I care about feeling the slightest bit of sadness I’ve experienced before if I am able to prevent it.

#everything-ishouldvesaid #short rant #late thoughts

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Everything I Should've Said...