Prepare yourselves, ya’ll, because I’m fucking miserable
So last time I mentioned I was seeing someone. Well, that ended. I had been going well. Really well. I mean, there were issues too. I was anxious about us not having put a label on the relationship yet. I was dealing with some insecurities since I hadn’t been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. But regardless, I was fairly comfortable with him. And I always had a good time with him. Honestly, seeing him was always the highlight of my week.
But then around mid-October he started canceling plans. First it was because he was visiting family (he had mentioned that might be the case though.) The second time he had a flat tire. The third time he never got my message. Then, the next week, he said he had the flu. So we barely talked that week. That Saturday, he never texted me. I didn’t text him either. I was frustrated, feeling like I’d been putting in all the effort the past two weeks. I waited until Sunday morning. I sent a simple “Hey, how are you feeling?” But nothing. Hours later. “Tyler, is everything okay?” Nothing. And we haven’t spoke since.
I was, and still am, hurt, confused, and angry. We had dated for almost 2 months. He had seem totally invested in it going further. He had offered to meet two of my best friends. He offered to briefly meet my parents. We talked about going to Chicago together. He let me spend the night on three different occasions. He spent the night at my house once (the last time I saw him in person.) He had offered his apartment to me (temporarily) when I talked about apartment hunting in that city. I thought we had something good going. So when he disappeared, it left me reeling.
I cried, I’ll admit it. Like I said, I hadn’t dated anyone for four years. I hadn’t opened myself up to someone in four years. And then I did, and those feelings were not returned. And that’s fucking devastating. To make matters worse, we still follow each other on social media. He still watches my snap stories. But I don’t have the heart to block him. It’s been three weeks, and I only today muted him on Twitter and unfollowed him on Facebook.
I know I should be angry. I know I should be furious. And, at times, I am. How dare he disrespect me like that. How could he spend two months with me, talking to me almost non-stop, and then not have the courage to reject me. Not even to my face, but over text.
But part of me just fucking misses him. Or at least the way he made me feel (it’s really hard to separate those two sometimes). Sometimes I get so worked up I want to scream and call him and ask him what happened. Was it something I said? Was I not good enough?
But I also recognize that if he couldn’t bother to work out whatever issue he was having at two months in, what could have happened in three months? Six months? A year? Ghosting is a clear sign of immaturity. So, in a way, I’m thankful.
But whenever I’m tired or stressed or otherwise upset, my sadness comes bubbling up. Some days it’s really hard to fight. I’ve started running again to help ward off the negative thoughts. But it doesn’t always help.
I just feel like there are three sides of me. The logical side that knows that, unfortunately, this is for the best. That I’ll get over him, eventually. That I’ll find someone who loves me and doesn’t disrespect me in this way. And the illogical side that is holding out for closure. That believes that, one day, I’ll learn what happened and then I can feel at piece. And lastly, the delusional side that believes that he’ll change his mind. That one day he’ll text me, apologizing profusely, I’ll yell at him, and we’ll work past it.
I know which side I need to take. But that doesn’t make it easy.
I have been so volatile lately (since before Tyler and I started seeing each other). It’s hard for me to stick to one emotion. Every day is a blank slate, Today, for example, was a bad day. I’m trying not to beat myself up for having these bad days. I know I need time to heal. But I also know that he’s back on the dating app we originally met on. So part of me wants to move on now.
I am back on a dating app as well, though. I went on a date last week but it didn’t go well. I said I was going to take a break after that, but I quickly caved. I know it was because I was craving some kind of validation. I’ve been chatting with some guys this week but I’ve quickly become overwhelmed and I’ve started unmatching with them, one by one. Part of me feels bad because, in a way, I’m ghosting them. But I never met any of them in person. So it’s not like what Tyler did to me. But it does show that maybe I should have waited. I gave two guys my number, but I think I’m going to tell one of them that I’m too preoccupied with personal stuff (I mean, that is the truth, isn’t it?).
All in all, I’m thankful for the time I had with Tyler. It was nice to have experienced something like that after so long of not seeing anyone. But it fucking sucks that it had to end this way.
I’ll be okay, in the end. I think I just take longer to heal, thanks to my anxiety and other insecurities. Also I was the one who was ghosted, not him. I was the one left in the lurch. I need to focus on myself, which isn’t easy. But the longer I keep focusing on Tyler and trying to imagine what he must think of me, the longer I’ll keep feeling this way.
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