Story time! (Warning: this might get long)
Back in January, when Seán did the charity stream for AFSP, I became aware of the @jse-pma-discord and decided it was a server I’d like to join but couldn’t find an invite anywhere. It wasn’t until February that I finally found an invite and joined. I stayed mostly quiet and kept to myself for the first couple of weeks, but as the Boston HDWGH show and PAX East approached, I started to become more active as the excitement for both events built up. I quickly became friends with a variety of people and the server felt like home.
I stayed mostly in the main chat channels, but occasionally would pop into the one channel dedicated to negative topics to help people out and share my own, similar experiences with the trials life throws at all of us. Occasionally I would use it to vent my own frustrations and despair and there was nearly always someone there to help.
It was in this channel that I first interacted with a person who went by the name ‘Equinox (Nox for short)’ when he was having a rough time of it. I helped him and talked him down from doing himself harm and, just like the rest of my interactions in this particular channel, figured it was just another instance of offering comfort to someone in need.
Not too long after that, I started checking out the voice chats and just sat silently listening to others talk while responding in the text-based server that accompanied it for those who didn’t have mics or simply didn’t want to talk. This is where I first “properly” met Nox because he happened to be one of the more talkative people and his voice was capable of dominating the vc. Oftentimes, he was playing games while chatting and his commentary was rambunctious, fun, and hilarious. My first impression was that he was just some crazy kid with a mad laugh (seriously sounded like something that would come out of the Joker’s mouth). I didn’t think much of it.
PAX East had just ended and I had developed back pain from over-exerting myself despite trying to avoid doing just that. I tried to battle through it, but one day I woke up with pain so bad that my right leg started to go numb and it was impossible to lay, sit down, or stand comfortably. I became incredibly concerned, considered calling for an ambulance, and settled for a very uncomfortable Lyft ride to the ER. I was diagnosed with sciatica, given an injection of an opiod to relieve the immense pain, and sent home with safer pain meds and a muscle relaxer. I would be restricted from doing several tasks at work and I thought that would be the end of it.
I struggled through a week of trying to do my job before realizing that I wasn’t recovering well at all, and ended up going out on an unpaid medical leave. I was easily bored and alone, so I turned to the PMA server for company. Over the course of about a week and a half, I found myself talking to Nox more and more and getting to know him along with some of the other frequent chatters in the vc (side note: this is where I found out we lived in the same state). My sleep schedule started to suffer and I got really lax about taking my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. My mood started to falter and I started having frequent anxiety attacks and my agoraphobia swelled up.
One night, my anxiety manifested in the form of pure rage, I had been going without food and was desperately hungry. Everything felt hopeless and I wanted to destroy something--anything. I settled on destroying myself.
That night, as I let my hurt, rage, and hopelessness spill out into the server, Nox was there. He stepped in to try and help but I was absolutely set on ending myself. It was not the first time that week that I had threatened to destroy myself, but it was the first time I had said it with all intent to follow through--but then he sent me a single message that snapped me out of it: “you’re an amazing person and all of last Saturday I was terrified you were dead....I felt a new kind of numbness in my heart.”
I became acutely aware that I wasn’t alone and that there was at least one person out there that cared enough that they wanted me to keep on existing for some reason. I couldn’t understand or wrap my head around why at the time, but it changed everything for me. I ultimately made a promise that I prefer to keep personal, but within a few days, I realized that an incredibly strong bond had been forged and I had developed a love for this Nox character.
We started talking more and more frequently. It’s only been about a month but it feels like ages longer. He adopted me as a mother figure because, well, I’m twice his age, and I gladly took him on as a son because I’ve always wanted to be a mom but my chances of doing so are dwindling fast. It’s almost as if some unseen force brought us together at a time that we both needed someone to be something we were lacking in our lives.
After a lot of late night chats and private messaging, a plan was developed to meet in person. Nox had to graduate from high school first before we could even think of anything more than a place to meet at. One week ago today, after a lot of build-up, we finally met in person.
We decided to meet in a rather large park that was located about mid-way between where I live and Nox lives. It was public enough that he could feel comfortable meeting someone from the internet, but large enough that there weren’t any large crowds that would make either of us overwhelmed and nervous.
The entire trip to the park, I was talking to him on Discord and trying to soothe my growing nerves to no avail. I got to the park first and sat on a bench while nervously looking around and waiting. I had hyped up the idea of hugging Nox for as long as he’d allow me (he has a touch sensitivity), but had half-jokingly said at the last minute that I’d likely chicken out of the hug altogether. I was pretty much prepared to not run or jump or be too eager because of things that were said beforehand.
As I was sitting on the bench, I got a final message from Nox saying that his ETA was 6 minutes and suddenly my nerves spiked to crazy levels. I alternated between short periods of zoning out and being acutely aware of my surroundings. Those six minutes both felt like ages and like they went by incredibly fast. Next thing I know, I see Nox running towards me before sweeping me up into one of the most incredible, warmest, longest hugs I have ever experienced.
Every moment of sorrow, angst, worry, joy, comfort and love was felt in that hug. I nearly cried both tears of joy and pain. My nerves swelled and quickly dissipated. I was taken by surprise and then felt like I was home. I didn’t want to let go, but I wanted to take every second with him in.
I immediately knew that every warning I had been given about his paranoia were unfounded, especially when Nox didn’t even try to stop his father from leaving him alone with me. The connection was instant.
We spent most of our time sitting on a bench in constant contact with one another. We shared that we loved each other innumerable times. There were so many hugs between snuggling and watching Youtube videos, every one tighter than the last. It was very clear neither of us wanted to let the other go. Being with Nox was just so.... natural.
Eventually his father came back and started hinting that it was time to go, but Nox just kept holding on to me and even went as far as to say “she’s mine now and I’m keeping her” and my heart just swelled. He had no cares that his father saw us cuddling, no cares about anyone who looked at us, he was just in the moment. He cheekily stalled his departure as long as possible.
When he could no longer stall and it was time to go our separate ways, (after roughly 3 hours), he left me with an “I love you” spoken in front of his father, something that he had said would likely not happen. I was taken by surprise but so happy I swear that I was capable of flight for a moment.
I went home slightly sad, but I was so warm and flushed and loved that the sadness was just a drop in the ocean of wonderful feelings. I could still feel every hug on my skin. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face for the first time in a very long time. I felt... complete.
Later on, I likened the need to being in constant contact with Nox to the skin-to-skin bond that is encouraged between mom and newborn after birth. I was as if all that touching was intuitive and necessary to strengthen an already deep bond.
Anyhow... this has become long-winded enough, so I leave you with a photo from the meeting.
As is probably obvious, Nox is camera shy and values his privacy, hence the self-censoring. But I, of course, do have a photo where he’s not covering his face for the sake of memory.
One last thing before I leave this post off: we hung out again on Saturday and saw Deadpool 2 together and I have another photo of that as well but will likely share it another time. ^-^
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