Photographer

And I came to tell you what I think about the 🌎

[evstacha]

My first English poem

Swimming in Bay

Let’s wait for the harvest

unrolling the hay

Living through freedom

And swimming in bay

Let’s cut the braided thoughts in our mind

Which aim to lead in heart the darkest fights

I’ll take the knife, you’ll take the scissors

and we’ll wait till moment please us

You give me hand

to step out of this void

Keep to my voice,

I know you desperately try it to avoid

Don’t dare you think twice that I m appealed by your wise

And purposeful opinion

You tend to express deeply, but you live in oblivion

coming out of bay, you decide to stay in a cave

Full of sorrows and pain, with desire to faint and never to wake

and there is me nearby, i will make you surprised by the tears in my eyes because it is so hard to survive

For me anymore

[evstacha]

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to settle down, find a place which you absolutely adore and find it accessible to live in and not to move to a different place every 1,5 years

[evstacha]

Let’s just hope that my best friend doesn’t have any fatal heart issues

[evstacha]

I mean how people find people who TRULY love them. Who don’t find excuses for meetings, who invite first,who ask about you,your mental state. On a constant basis. I am just confused

[evstacha]

Okay

So

I feel like I am an empty space and the only person who sincerely thinks and cares and loves me is myself.

[evstacha]

Sometimes I just feel so bad that I want to consciously punish myself with self-harm. And I am unable to control it, but I am trying my best. I feel that I am not worth enough all the time because I do not feel cared for and loved by my friends and surrounding people. Like truly loved, you know. I am 19 and I have never had a guy who liked me, literally no one even expressed the attraction. What is wrong with me? I just can't. My breakdowns keep hurting me not only mentally but also physically. I feel lonely and in pain. I hope no one will see that ever.

[evstacha]

So funny to realise that actually none of your friends truly love you even if you consider them the best ones. I have cried like a psycho today. It was tearing me apart from the inside and the only thing I could you was to cover my mouth with a hand so no one could hear me.

[evstacha]

I am afraid I have this condition back. I m disappointed in everything around me and it scares me

[evstacha]

You know, it passed three years,but you are still the one I can’t find replacement for. I try to persuade myself to love other people and be as close with them as I were with you but it in impossible,unfortunately.

Why you stopped caring about me? You was my life,my air and my thoughts. You knew when I was sad while I was laughing in the company of others. You knew every tiny part of my brain and my feelings.

The funniest thing is not that you left but you swore that you are not one of those you were leaving me. You swore to me close and be like a right-hand for me. I didn’t want to trust but I did.

And now three years passed and I’m still sitting on my bed and writing about you knowing that you do not deserve even a sentence because you destroyed me and my attachment to any other person in the figure. I do not believe in any true relationships. People are mean and I will not allow to break my heart one more time

[evstacha]

Self confidence, or lack of it

Don't like to generalize, but nowadays a lot of people are struggling because of low self-confidence and I do not specify which one. Or I will. Better to start with the first insecurities I had and to finish with the present ones. They are all killing inside even more when you have no clue how to deal with them. My insecurities started around 12-13 when the boys in my class called me the biggest mammoth when I was not even overweight. It killed me inside because I couldn't do anything with that. Then I started starving and hating myself. Health problems. Quitting sport. Again hating myself. That was a long way which is not the most interesting to discuss as a lot of teenage girls are coming across it. At the age of 15 I met my best friend who changed my consciousness and I started loving everything about me. Yes, sometimes it happens with the help of a person. I never believed that someone can change your perception but he showed some things to me which no one did. Let's continue. I am 19 and now I am a photographer but still I feel that I am much worse than others. I am working hard but I am afraid that I can never be as good as they are. Maybe this is just my prejudice but still. Can you relate when you are doubting every step you make? Do you feel that you will never reach the point you want? It scares me. So many plans, so many fears.

[evstacha]

Success

Being not sure that someone will read this, I have decided to share some thinking which has been processing in my mind for quite a long time. I am 19. “Only 19,″- you will say. But by this time I have understood what decides your life and your position as a part of a social construct. Success. Such an abstract word having no sense until you try it on your own. Feeling safe on a regular basis, not being afraid to step into tomorrow, and having an opportunity to provide your family with all the necessities. That is the success for an average person from Belarus. But we are not talking about the things happening there. Success is the key point. I do not mention only such type of success when you have nothing in the beginning  and work hard for achieving the goals you set for yourself. Today I would love to talk about the accident which led you to some kind of success. A ‘lucky’ success.

Several days ago I met a girl, a model with whom I was working, and she shared her story with me. Three years ago she was working as a promoter and was giving posters to random people on the streets. One day a man came to her and asked whether she would like to be a model because she looks exceptional. Surely, she agreed. That is not the experience that helped her nor her hard work. Now she is a well-known model who used to work with NYC Fashion show. My question is extremely simple. What about those enormous number of teenage girls who dream about that all their lives? Who is starving to look pretty? Who is putting much effort to be famous on social media? Who drops out of their college only to work full-time as a model and in the end she is fired because of the pandemic?

The sense of justice. That is what the world lacks. I am 19. I know nothing about life. My degree in English Linguistics which I had to decide on when I was 16 and which is absolutely unnecessary in the contemporary world, only from my point of view. I decided to work as a photographer and still, I have no clue whether I will be successful in this life or I will not. We are out of our control. Impossible is it to predict the future or to make a precise plan. We are those who should follow the path without knowing the destination. Will we reach the final point?

[evstacha]

If you want to fail,do not dare do it.

You are strong enough to reach all your goals and make your dreams come true.

If someone tells that you are not enough fuck them

I believe in you and never give up

[evstacha]

I started my journey as a fashion photographer and I am fully aware of the fact that I need to work hard to achieve good results but that is my first photoshoot in this field and I sincerely want to share it with you all. Hope you love it 🥰

[natalieswood-deactivated2021100]

Little Women (2019) dir. Greta Gerwig Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) dir. Céline Sciamma Jennifer’s Body (2009) dir. Karyn Kusama The Love Witch (2016) dir. Anna Biller Ready or Not (2019) dir. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett

[happyheidi]

[evstacha]

That is the most beautiful place in the world I guess

[studylustre]

earl grey tea lattes + soft golden light ✨

[bakwaaas]

part of the eldest daughter role is being the one to make your family celebrate occasions