i started this at 3:16a it is now 5:20a iām going to bed.
hereās a 1354 word femxmasc self insert for my yearning girlies, cause lord knows i am apart of this group.
my music got me in a mood to write
walking out to the patio of the house, a faint haze of smoke trailed out of the sliding door behind her. the party was great, all her friends were having a good time, something just kind of felt off. tony lanezās āthe color violetā thumped through the closed glass as she sat facing the rest of the yard. the bass that she still felt even while outside was somewhat comforting, it kept her grounded, more in moment. physically she was very put together, very present, she knew where she was. college was finally over and all her friends decided to throw a huge get together that somehow turned into a full blow house party as plus ones turned into twos and fours. and with parties obviously came the vices, which she did dabble in socially, that wasnāt the problem, not really why she needed to get out. there was a weird looming presence she couldnāt really get over, it made her chest super tight and her limbs more fuzzy than the hit she took should have. she originally tried to smoke to get rid of the feeling but it just made her more aware of it, so now she was there, sitting outside, alone.
it wasnāt super cold out, just enough for the crewneck and jeans she was already wearing. the cold of the patio concrete still went right through her pants, prickling her skin until the ground finally became warm under her. she dragged her hands along the roughness of cement, carefully feeling each teeny tiny pebble that made up that block. admittedly too caught up in the texture, a tired squeak of patio door knocked her out of it. though that specific interest was interrupted she still didnāt feel any desire to see who was joining her, she just stared off into the sky now. the area they were in was too urban to see any stars despite the clear night, the moon still shone as brightly as ever. she felt a smile pull her lips as she looked at it, it made her feel homesick in a weird way. she was definitely coming down, this was not a normal thought.
shoes lazily dragged across the pavement until they landed a few feet to the right of her. the intruder slowly lowered himself down to the ground until he finally grunted his way into criss cross. she dropped her head to her knees which were already at her chest. she thought she could just get a moment out here, but there were like nearly 30 people inside so she was lucky to get what time she had at all. he was just enough behind her to be out of her peripheral and no sound he had made up until now was enough to identify him. so she just kept her head still, listening to the faint music, which now sounded like it had changed to āhouse of balloonsā by the weeknd. good song. she rubbed her forehead on her knees feeling the ripped stitching, it was soft. her ears perked up when she heard a light crackle of the pen he was hitting behind her. perfect. she just needed to get a little more high, then the gross body feeling would surely be overtaken by pure ignorant bliss. she could just lay on the cold pavement and look at the sky until her best friend brought her in for the night. now the only road block that kept her from a wonderful evening fell to her inability to start any kind of comfortable conversation, especially now when she was feeling extra non-verbal. clearly he didnāt want to talk either or something would have happened by now, so her foggy mind began racing to piece together something charming.
fuck it. she decided to improvise. with a dorky grin and half closed eyes she turned to him. just as her mouth opened to slur a couple words into an opening line, her heart sank into her stomach so far she almost coughed it up. the looming presence, there he was, sat looking at the sky, hitting his pen gingerly. he very soon noticed her staring and his jaw joined herās on the floor. āwho invited you?ā they both spoke in complete unison, nearly identical inflection. both ended up sat facing each other but keeping an ever growing distance, too high to even begin to process. she hadnāt thought about him in months, at least not for more than a few seconds, but regardless she never thought she would ever seen him again. that achy body feeling she had been trying so hard all night to get rid of doubled at the sight of him. she tried hard not show a pained expression in her face and she attempted to wrap her already scattered brain around the situation. no words were being exchanged, more so just a full conversation through the eyes as they searched each others faces.
they have both changed a lot since their last encounter with each other, most of searching revolved around finding familiar features that remained. it was probably close to three years since they last talked, and that conversation never really ended with closure or a goodbye, it was harsh and abrupt. left a lot of questions unanswered for her, a lot of conflicting feelings up the air. he had meant a lot her, she knew that was mutual, even if the time frame wasnāt shared. she wanted to say something but nothing she thought of would do her any justice. instead she peeled her eyes away from his, down to the thing they both absolutely had in common, his pen. he followed her gaze down to the small metal battery and cart he had in his fist and he caught on. she looked back up at him, sort of asking for permission and he held it out for her to take. she did. the metal was warm from his hand, and the blue tip of the cart still had some of his chapstick on it, she hit it regardless. they were keeping eye contact through the whole experience which made it turn strangely intimate.
as she blew the smoke in a different direction the tension lowered. she handed it back. he put it in his hoodie pocket and they both went back to staring off into space. trying to talk was pointless, neither of them knew what to say, especially in situations like this. they had that awkward quality in common. instead now sat next to him, an arms length away, she decided to carry out her original plan and laid back onto the concrete. her scalp very soon found each and every fleck of rock so she bunched all her hair up behind her head for extra padding. after taking a very long and deep breath she closed her eyes and felt a familiar buzz find its way to her extremities again. an uncontrollable grin stretched a crossed her face, and the achy feeling in her body lessened, she felt comfortable. she did jump a bit when she heard his shoes scrape out of a crossed position as he joined her laid back. even though her eyes were closed she could feel him melt out onto the pavement, his body language became more relaxed. a very long sigh left him and she felt his eyes on the side of her face. she always liked feeling him look at her.
she let her her arms fall from the clasped position she had them in so she could feel the pavement again. she didnāt feel how much space he had been taking up and landed her had directly on top of his, she recoiled and opened her eyes, looking over. his head was still faced to her but his eyes were closed, he was comfortable and unbothered. so she looked back towards the sky and slowly let her hand set back into his. and though she found little in his face and mannerisms that she found familiar, this felt the exact same as it did three years ago.