Existing is hard, and society is wrong. I love love but dont trust anyone. The last time I socialized with someone other than my mother was August 2023.
There are 3 fleshy lumps inside my lip, I can't leave them alone. Which makes them worse, swollen. The temptation of ripping them off is slowly getting more intense, bitting my lip gives me temporary relief. I know what I should do... brush my teeth thoroughly, rinse with peroxide & coconut oil, coconut oil multiple times to promote healing... but it's so unsatisfying than just removing them completely, compulsively & destructively.
I wish I could tell you I might not be here when you come back. I feel deeply connected to you, but I can't handle the repeated abandonment. Not without warning. Maybe you tried, but it wasn't clear to me that you meant right now. I dont hold anything against you, you are only doing what is best for you & I want you to be well. I think I have to do the same for myself, the emotional roller-coaster of having you back for only a second when I thought you wouldn't return to only disappear again within 24 hours, i am crushed. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me that makes you feel you can't talk to me? Maybe it wasn't me at all, that is likely the case with you, but the issue is the uncertainty. There's no way for me to know for sure because you cut me off & the fact is that my mental health simply can't take the lack of communication with the combination of abandonment. I wish I could have told you how much I cared about you & the things I loved about you. I won't forget you, I will think of you fondly & you will always hold a place in my heart.
