Confessions of an Ex-bag Lady

This blog is about my journey learning how to pack light and let go of the things that had me bound. In essence it is my freedom journey and the things that I learned that helped me to become an Ex-bag lady.

[ex-baglady]

Motivation

[ex-baglady]

The Press

I felt the need to write about the press a few weeks ago so I did and it was lost to the internet; therefore here I am again back at it with high sight. While I was working on this I had the most odd memory pop back up so I’m going to digress and go there. It is funny what the universe will bring back to your memory to provide course correction and let you know what you need to be purged of.

  I was reminded of a ring that was stolen from me during my senior year of college by someone on my floor. I don’t know if this memory came up, because I had been reading about birthstones and crystals before I started to write. Some loser decided to steal my birthstone ring, which meant a lot to me because of the sacrifice that my parent’s made to get it for me. I was beyond hurt to not have my ring and to tell my parents what happened, because of some asshat only thinking of self. Now, I did hope that the loser choked on some chicken bones and could experience the pain of having someone rob them of something their treasure. Not only so they could feel the pain, but with the hope that if they had the opportunity to jack someone again that they would do the right thing. I haven’t thought about my ring in years, but I was immediately taken back to the pain I felt when the situation happened. I was reminded how people don’t care about the pain and dry times  that comes along with your pressing because their focus is on the fruit and oil that come as a result of it. In my situation the loser who took my ring didn’t care or wasn’t thinking about the sacrifice that it took for the owner to secure the ring. They were only thinking of how cute my ring was and so the jerk took it…but I’ll digress

   Again this takes me back to the press that goes along with living, breathing, talking, creating,and standing in your purpose. Nobody cares about all of the little breaks or even big ones that it took or takes for you to be the full embodiment of who you are called to be. If they did then they wouldn’t take you or your story lightly,because to stand or be in your presence is to be blessed by a modern day miracle. You and your story are unwritten or remixed versions of bible or heroine stories for this era meant to strengthen not only you ,but those who you touch directly or indirectly.

My press last week to write about the press that church folks tell you about, but don’t really talk to you about was for me and whoever might find this post. The press is living into the pain and challenge of life’s mountains and valleys with a resiliency, faith (even if it’s only mustard seed to stand),but more importantly to walk with an extremely high level of intrinsically placed grace and class. To walk blindly and believe that you will make it despite what you see and others say about you even when you are being beat to the white meat. It is being so determined to walk in, live in ,and breathe your purpose that you will walk 5,000 miles to reach it or lose it all yet ,and still you will stand, walk ,or cry to get there.

 I know this, because this has been my life and nobody could put the press into words for me that I could relate to, but the trick is to remember when you are going  through a long season of this and you can’t take another blow. Is that the muscle memory will come back to you ,which is what happened to me and I had to press against my own pain and memory lapses in order to extend grace to myself in order to share what I know via my writing. All of these things make up the press and how to live in, breathe through it,and survive/ thrive in it.

[ex-baglady]

The Bow Broke

Just like Lemony Snicket I had a series of unfortunate events that threw me into a tailspin. I was just barely holding on when the final straw broke me. This one event set a chain of events into motion.

[ex-baglady]

@ War with ♡

Love is kind, fear is not.

Love is generous.

Fear is selfish.

Fear comes with conditions, while when in love, there are no conditions or reasons at all.Love is free obligations, fear is full of them.

Love does not expect. Fear does.

Love respects.

Fear respects no one, not even themselves.

Love doesn’t feel sorry for others, but it knows compassion.

Fear pities, fear feels sorry for everyone

These are quotes from The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. This is a wonderful book that I can’t help ,but tell everyone to get. Often you will find quotes from this book on here, because it’s dope.

As, I’m in the final stages of marching on my final campaign in the war of the in between spaces. Life and situations have come to remind me of some important things via these quotes.

I ♡ the concept of how love and fear show up in our relationships via the book.

When ♡ is free and without expectation of how the other person must show up to meet our needs in order to prove that ♡ exist. It removes the cracks through, which the pain of unmet expectations can creep in and wreak havoc in our lives. It relies more on the history of the heart experiences with people. It is a crusfier of the flesh, because it demands that we come from a pure place. What it guides is reflection, redirection, and the ability to perceive the action or inaction from a less emotional place. Operating from this place means that you will be slow to wrath.

Love is kind and fear is not…because it is insecurity along with the need to punish when the obligations/ expectations are not met.

Real love doesn’t pitty nor feel sorry for people,because it is not coming from a place of disrespect. Pity comes from the need to feel as though you are better than xyz. It never comes from a place of true compassion ,which is something only real love and empathy can bring. Compassion is to come from a place of understanding the “it” and to be moved into action from a ♡ place.

When we operate from the mind frame of love respects. We are able to show up & ♡ from our most authentic space, because we allow & have respect for the natural evolution of people as life and personal growth happens in it.

Real ♡ is and can be generous because there aren’t conditions that guide it’s distribution. Real ♡ comes from a true heart place of compassion that doesn’t allow for savior complexes or manipulation to be present. Real ♡ endures the journey and growing pains. It doesn’t run cold when evolution occurs ,because it is ready to bear down in the winter and dance in the spring. Real ♡ brings strength that amplifies the love. It has no motives nor is it fueled by the pain from previous traumas. It is not abusive or misguided.

[ex-baglady]

Almost there....

[ex-baglady]

[ex-baglady]

Believe in your future and your future will believe in you.

Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel

[ex-baglady]

Confidence is knowing who you are and not changing it a bit because of someone’s version of your reality is not their reality.

Shannon L. Alder

[ex-baglady]

Good Things....

[ex-baglady]

To be deeply loved, means a willingness to cut yourself wide open, exposing your vulnerabilities... hopes, hurts, fears and flaws. Hiding behind the highlight reel of who you are, is the real you and that person is just as worthy of love. There is nothing more terrifying or fulfilling, than complete love, it's worth the risk... reach for it.

Jaeda DeWalt

[ex-baglady]

It bears repeating....

[ex-baglady]

Breaking Out

Right now, I am in the process of breaking out to the cocoon of : the past, mistakes, forgiveness, heartbreak, deliverance, unmet expectations, and moving into something greater. The shift is real and the knowledge gained has been extremely helpful. It’s funny every time I obtain a new level of freedom and being in awe of the process. I’m hit with a newer more intense level of information gained, worth attained, and relaxation. I know the cocoon phase was necessary,because I had to get free emotionally, spiritually, and mentally from the old behaviors, patterns, and belief systems that were not helpful nor beneficial to helping me thrive in a truly new season.  

This whole journey has been incredible and through parts of it...I questioned if I could make it through it...Yet, here I am living...and ish...For the most part feeling so far removed from the spiritual, emotional, and mental trauma from a lot of things that I can’t believe I lived through . All while technically not being that far removed from it in months or years. 

Many things are being redeemed and restored for, which I am thankful for. As, I am being rebuilt, refashioned, and restored with the proper vision/image it is incredible. It has been a long  ever evolving journey that leaves me in awe. To be hulled out from the inside out...is a challenging and daunting thing...to say yes and stay in “it” when it “looks” like things are not boding well for you...is not for the faint of heart. However, in 2008 or 2009 I was made aware that I was in a  training/pruning process and at the point I was only 30% there. I almost passed out when I heard that...Sometimes it feels like it’s redundant but there really are levels to this that will only take you to something deeper if you let it. 

The caterpillar must go through all of the perceived uglies and nuances of being what it is in order to break out of the cocoon to become something beautiful. Shedding is so painful but it is all a part of leaving the bags behind so that you can finally pack light  and be ready when you  arrive in your new season...

I see the universe screaming out at me but also providing me with the tools to do it right and so much better this time around. I’m thisclose to being able to make arrangements to handle old debts which makes me happy. 

I’m being restored and it’s awesome...I am sitting in a place of gratitude for this season of breaking out. I’m exhausted from the weekend but feeling prepared...thankful..and as if I’m finally being  put on the path to chart an even greater course then what I could’ve ever imagined for myself. 

I am ready...breaking out and free...to fly higher than what I even thought but what others have always perceived. Again...Yes, to breaking out and freedom!!!  

[ex-baglady]

The Block is Hot...Marching into Destiny

To be Black, free,and able to move about the cabin without fear . What will that take? In this new movement the tired and weary have nothing more to lose. They are taking it to the streets to hit the system in places where they can’t be blissfully unaware any longer . When you get to the point where you are willing to gamble everything, because fear and respectability have gone out the window. It’s game on.

This is a special moment in time and I know that people are being activated to walk in destiny. We are being charged up to walk in who we are called be.

Especially, when I think back to how popular “The Purpose Driven Life” book was across the board. The shows on OWN have engaged, centered and focused many of us on having public conversations on purpose and justice. Joel Osteen being blessed to purchase a basketball stadium…not just for church but training grounds. Bishop Jakes latest books on Instinct , Destiny, and he’s building a multi-million dollar facility for youth. Back in the day the chruch was at the forefront of the movement. This things are not for not…Right now we have awesome Black, queer, women and others leading but it’s always been that way. This is a time for unity on such a large scale across identies to work for the greater good.

The search and hunger for purpose has been great and the previously mentioned teachers have been preparing many to walk in their purpose through their work. Teaching and showing and demonstrating how finally reaching your breaking point thrust you into who you were meant to be and into action. To leave behind the old and walk in the new. It was diamond training.

We were awakened and put on to game for such a time as this. To change the scope and focus of our national conversations and the landscape in a real and authentic way. Certain people have been ringing the alarm advocating for people to find their worth, truth, and identity in others so that they can change tide. To paraphrase Tupac…he said, I might not change the world but I’ll guarantee you that I’ll light the spark in someone who does. Here, we are today with people no longer willing to get bullied without putting up a fight.

The loss of innocent lives has lit the match and the people have stepped up to the plate. In this situation David see’s and knows Goliath’s tactics, because of history and legends of the past helping upfront and behind the scenes.

People are waiting to get their marching orders ,because this battle is so layered and requires killing deep generational roots. The first line of warriors are on the front lines of the battlefield ,because of those that have been martyred. It will not be in vain! Others who are sensitive are waiting to get called up feel the stirring on a deeper level. These people have been prepared by life…to lead, to make their mess their message, so they can train the troops…love on them into wellness. I…we have to pour into the broken and even broke / broken parts of ourselves to help heal and march forward.

Nothing you’ve gone through will be wasted. It has all been to get you to this destiny place. Our true identities had to be restored and believed by us in order to move forward. The breaking and the shaking got us here.. that’s why the block is hot…However, the real question is are you ready to march forward?

[ex-baglady]

and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you. Bible.com/app

[ex-baglady]

Breathing

When I finally got into agreement with letting go of my dream. Peace, love, and magic have it spilled over into areas. There has been a peace and acceptance that has come to me. I wanted to make sure that there was no bitterness,shame, or pain attached to leaving the old thing behind. Life has been some what magical since I did that. Breathing and adjusting.

As a result I’ve been connected to some dynamic women that have been knowledgeable and very helpful in assisting me frame things. It’s been awesome and still I breathe.

My sister and her hubby have come through and help me breathe through somethings, which has been a blessing.

After a rough night of sitting in the weight of more loss. I went and sat in the pool to chill. My sisters came right on through to show support in the weight of me sharing more loss with them,because it feels like the norm. They help me breathe through it. This morning my other sister sent an encouraging song and scriptures. Still I breathe easier and am thankful.

My own family loss on top of what has been happening in the country has been a lot. Still I breathe through it.

I know my strength despite others non belief and assumptions. I breathe through being the topic of conversation and know it’s a part of my butterfly conversion.

I am here even though we are only 8 months out from the last funeral, which still shakes me. With one being held today and 2 more people taking ugly turns in their health. I am breathing through it, God is still good, and I’m grateful for the journey. Not too mention everyone helping me breathe through it.

I look like sunshine today. I’m still breathing and smiling through it. Tomorrow will be even better.

I’m feeling thankful to be breathing and celebrating my niece and nephew’s victories. That makes me smile and breathe deeply.

[ex-baglady]

The End

Today, I grieve and let go of a dream. I let go of any desire to do the thing that I used to love. Too much damage has been done and I see that there is no coming back from it. I understand that if you want to eat sometimes you gotta switch the game up. I release the dream and shed a few tears and I'm waiting to see what comes next. Yes, to new dreams and a new life.

[dearincrediblesweetness]

[queenscribe]

🙌🏾

[isseymiyucky-deactivated2021070]

Body diversity I love it!

[sincerelyshawndra]

I love how comfortable they are with their bodies

[youngxjan]

It’s amazing to see! And literally NO ONE talks shit because it’s NORMAL. Can’t wait to go to a carnival and show out.

[yourbigsisnissi]

Why I love my people. I was raised around women of all shapes and sizes who had no problem being on the parkway or going to Caribana in costume. It helped to shape my sense of self because I knew that no matter how big I am or how lumpy I am, I know I’m beautiful

[chawklitgoddess-deactivated2015]

My God I love y'all for this. I really do.

[abnormallyirregular-deactivated]

I wanna go😓

[dynastylnoire]

Finally. I kept looking for plus sized women in the photo sets and got nothing until now

[yokochick]

Geez. I was starting to think I had to make a blog post about the really commercialized and sterilized images I was seeing on my dash. Like for real for real I was starting to get upset seeing only conventional bodies on my dash. Watering down my culture so its palpable for folks that don’t like all black bodies just the ones they find ‘easy’ to sexualize and accept *sucks teeth*

[dynastylnoire]

Afro punk pics are the same too. Somehow anyone that would be classified as plus sized would be missing in most of the photosets. # erasure

[futuremrsknow-it-all]

They’re all so gorgeous!