Exalith

We are not our faults

[exalith]

Oh, it's hard to wake from feeling blue

Oh, but I will rise, I will rise

And my hands may shake from lack of booze

Oh, but I will rise, I will rise

And though I've fallen out of space and time

Oh, I will rise, I will rise

And I dug my grave with honest lies

Oh, I will rise, I will rise

Now I'm king of the hounds

I wear shame like a crown

And they're placing bets all over town

On how I'll die, but I will rise

[exalith]

Last time wasn’t the trick. But I’m almost two weeks sober now. Like the most raw sober I have been in years.

I just wish it felt like it was enough.

To myself and to everyone else

[exalith]

I wish I was who I appear

Because I despise the man in the mirror

[exalith]

[exalith]

It’s been six fucking years since you left.

I spent today at work.

Last year I was driving to Fort Sam Houston for training.

The years before that I spent drunk. Lost.

Almost wrecked my truck the year after you left. Drunk.

Went on a $1500 coke binge the day you left. Drank until I couldn’t feel the coke.

I hope this is what progress looks like.

I miss you brother. And I love you.

[exalith]

[exalith]

I really hope this time is it. I don’t have the support in my life to get healthy or sober, but I guess I’ll try again.

[exalith]

Not me mindlessly consuming media as a means of escapism 🙃

[exalith]

Sobriety is really fucking hard when you feel like you have zero support from the people around you 🙃

[exalith]

Catharsis

These days, I feel like I have very little in the form of release.

Nothing to take the edge off, nothing to make me feel like I’m doing anything but talking to a brick wall or screaming into the void.

So here I am. Screaming into the digital void again.

I’m pretty sure this is the most private app that I have, the only means of saying shit without the fear of repercussions or hurt feelings.

I’m fucking exhausted. I’m tired of continuing to do the same shit over again, daily. Like not even burnt out, I’m just sick of fucking waking up.

It’s been a year since I left for training. Six months since I’ve been back.

I should’ve went active. It would have been a means of escaping everything (again) and build a new life. Maybe one that would have made me feel like i belonged somewhere, even if I wasn’t happy.

I somehow thought that separating myself for six months would allow me to come back and tolerate or god forbid, enjoy my existence.

It didn’t.

I don’t know if I changed at all from it, people around me say that I have, but I think that has more of a negative connotation than anything. I’m just more of a dick. Not much of a surprise there.

But I should be happy. I should be proud. I should feel.. something. But I dont. I’m just as fucking miserable as before.

I’m a “soldier.” A combat medic. I work at an amazing hospital. I’m a pre-Med student. I’m sober. I’m following my “dreams.”

I’m surrounded by more people than I can fathom. But I’m alone.

And I’m fucking miserable.

[exalith]

Regret, and moving forward

It’s so hard for one to admit they were ever wrong, but there is a freedom in the eventual understanding. I did so many people wrong whenever I was younger and quite a bit dumber, but I’ve come to try and reconcile what I can, with myself or otherwise. I was a bad person who did a lot of bad things, but that is far from who I am today. Closure is something that is difficult to obtain if you’ve burned as many bridges as I have, but you come to find it through indirect actions or deeply in yourself. Apologize and make right what you can, and for the things that you can’t fix, fix them within yourself. Know that you’ll put so much more good into the universe than every bit of bad that you had cast. Everything will eventually be okay and nobody will hold a grudge for forever.

For everyone who I’ve caused pain and suffering, know that I am deeply sorry. I was lost beyond words and drowning while trying to find myself. Nothing can justify my previous actions except for the actions I take from now on. I don’t ever expect someone to reach out to me after everything I’ve done and I don’t deserve it, just know that I’m doing everything I can to make it right with the universe.

For everyone who helped me whenever I definitely didn’t deserve it, I owe you my life in more ways than just figuratively. I had so many people help my selfish self whenever I didn’t deserve it, and I thought it was just well over due. It wasn’t, and I’m sorry. Thank you for anyone and everyone who has stuck behind me the last couple years, and if I pushed you away, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I know I don’t deserve it.

I’m so thankful for where I am today and I’m so sorry for who I was in the past. I love you guys and I hope you are proud of the man that I’m becoming.

[meth83]

[saying]

[vein]

[exalith]

Why in the fuck do I have to feel like this? Everything is going good, except the one thing that is on my mind more than anything else.

I deserve this. I know I do, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

[maatangi]

If you’re a cog in the corporate machine even though you swore you wouldn’t be clap your hands

[exalith]

I’m fucking sick of myself too, I don’t blame you