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My boyfriend talks in his sleep and because he’s bilingual, he says some hilarious/weird/sometimes creepy shit. I ask him every morning if he remembers saying this stuff and he has no idea about any of it.

Here are some of my favorites:

-”Babe, can you please turn down the brightness of your skin” -After stealing all of the blankets: “This is my right as a human” -After I take the blankets back: “I don’t want your freedom, America. Just blanket” -Sometimes he just says “Hello?” as if he’s answering a phone call -One night he just said “Cabbage” which is weird because he doesn’t know the english word for that when he’s awake. -After spooning me: “You have a nice butt” -”Who is that in the corner?” (terrifying) -”Watch out for the red lady” (even more terrifying) -Sometimes he will say things in German and it sounds like he’s speaking Parseltongue -One time I actually think he said something in Parseltongue -One time he talked about buying a ticket to “everywhere” and then just said “hello?” after two minutes of silence -And my all time favorite: ”This is MY yogurt, Satan”

sappharah

my skills include reading an entire page of an academic text without absorbing a single word

theanti90smovement

I will never forget the time I asked a little girl how old she was and she said “6 but I’ve been alive like 30 years”

jcitricpache-deactivated2020072

teratocybernetics

What

macarena-of-time-deactivated201

i love saying fuck me because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly

so-doggone-funny

if u think u can handle their morning breath then thats love

bloomflowersbloom

a baby can be born right now at 12:00, on a wednesday, august 24 in new jersey while another baby is also born in the exact same moment but they are born 9:00, on a tuesday, august 23 in california, these babies that are born at the same moment are technically because of time zones, a concept that we created ourselves, born “hours” apart even though really they are born at the same moment just not the same “time”, one will be considered older even though in actuality they are the same

2thicc2function

Wtf

queenconsuelabananahammock

babyanimalgifs

Look at those fluffy ears