Bat does Poetry

Growth takes time

[existential-bat]

God is Partial to a Glass of Wine

God is partial to a glass of wine on a weeknight.

Blood is sacrament but merlot is fellowship

and God’s hands cling to the glass stem like something holy.

It’s vine twitches from scandalous confessions

each sold with a sip and a smile.

God’s belly aches with fresh focaccia and the highlight reel

of last night’s lustful inebriation.

God doesn’t look like thunder or leviathan under the soft

glimmer of Ikea's finest taper dinner candles.

The sea is calm as God nods along, fingers tapping on the table

to the beat of a Billie Holiday song about sinners.

All the height of adorned cathedral ceilings are rendered low

In view of God reclining in the corner of a second hand couch.

Confession takes place in the soft seat after the meal.

God’s judgement is one that friends and lovers trust.

It is the last lucid thought before sleep takes over pillow talk,

comfortable in the knowledge that God won’t make breakfast

but last night's dishes will be washed.

[existential-bat]

I read somewhere that January is a month which makes you feel every single one of its days deeply.

[existential-bat]

“I pulled the photos of us off of the wall when I was packing up my old room,

I tucked them away neatly- with the same kind of care you might afford the burial rites.

As if to say, I call tell that something has died here darling,

But it is not my love for you.”

[existential-bat]

“In the stillness of grief, in that awful standstill it creates, the cycle of life turns and something new is born.

I am born again.

And in the sunlight of May, I am fresh and new, turning 20 and in many ways, grateful for the chance to be alone again,

If only for a season or two.”

Death Comes to Us All.

[existential-bat]

I love you with the force of a thousand suns and sometimes I forget that such love is fierce enough to burn.

[existential-bat]

You can’t put a time frame on things like these. These intangible things that slip from my grasp and wind up away from me with you, in a place that I can’t reach right now.

I’ll just keep loving you from some unreachable place.

[existential-bat]

There is no shame in breaking even, there is no shame in retreating into the warmth of your own bones for a bit instead of trying to burrow into someone else’s.

-some unreachable place

[existential-bat]

In the meantime darlin I’ll keep on loving and trust that you’ll come back to me when you’re ready.

Everything else is temporary,

But no matter how much time or space falls, silent, between us my love for you will last on through those ages of quiet until I have you in my arms again.

-love, J.

[existential-bat]

Sometimes I think I’ll float away and just disappear forever one day,

But I’m caught in your orbit, love I’m tied to the sun of your smile.

-all of me is yours to hold.

[existential-bat]

The summer after high school was spent kissing pretty girls in the bar bathroom. It was time wasted having a good time being kids for a while before it was all over.

-the promise of September

[existential-bat]

“And I truly believe that my sexuality is a part of my path. It is not an unfortunate detail to be overlooked, it is not an unhealthy desire or a crude lust to be repressed and reprimanded, it is an expression of love and a simple fact. I am no stranger to the sting of rejection as a result of my queerness, but such pain has given me courage, the bravery to be soft and gentle and loving in a world that wishes to stop my love and to silence my words. This is the beginning of acceptance, this is the start of hope.”

-on internalised homophobia and the reconciling of two different loves.

[existential-bat]

I wander past the funeral parlor on my way, the one where we bought your headstone. There's always a lady smoking outside of it and I wonder if the irony is clear to me alone.

You gave up smoking your pipe years ago, before I was ever even considered or born. The love of your life didn't like it so much, and so you traded the smoke for love's touch.

-there's smoke outside the funeral parlor

[existential-bat]

"So cheers friends, and raise a glass, here's to a love that's worth crossing an ocean for."

-to the sea of depth within your beautiful heart darling, I am forever grateful for its welcome.

[existential-bat]

"there is no sanctuary for the sinner, no rest for those filled with years of misplaced guilt."

-escape attempt #2

[existential-bat]

"and maybe I'll fly to some city, and lose myself in all the lights.

And maybe I'll find a pretty girl, to warm up those cold city nights"

-escape attempt #1

[existential-bat]

And as I looked into your eyes I saw my entire universe reflected back at me. You have stolen not only my heart but every part of me relentlessly. This is something I will never recover from, loving you. I fear our lives will forever be entangled.

-the sun pales in comparison to your smile

[existential-bat]

This week I broke down in the car.

I saw your house for the first time since and I remembered that you don't live there anymore. That you will never live there, or anywhere, again.

As soon as the car door shut behind me, it all hit me again and I couldn't breathe. It feels harder and harder to grasp air these days, like my lungs are always heavy, my heart too full of lost love to pump with any vigour.

It comes in waves, cruel torrents, natural disasters that strike when I think I'm okay now and that the pain is easing. Grief rushes in and fills every space, unwanted and unrelenting until there's no room for much of anything else.

I miss you more and more, and grief will not stop creeping into every corner of my heart.