R eaching Up

Lee Jieun. 05.16.93. Model We are painted into perfection, stripped into blank canvases. roleplay at vogue. may be nsfw

[luhan-vogue-blog]

↳ contradictory // luhan & jieun

[luhan-vogue-blog]

[ . . .

“Jieun. When did you start doing this?” He asked quietly, looking at her intensely with a stare that he hoped would somehow convey to her all that this was a mistake. Sure, once cigarette seemed harmless. But all it takes is one drag, then one turns into two, two turns into a pack, and then addiction takes root. And soon, just nicotine isn’t enough. If Luhan himself isn’t living proof of that, then he doesn’t know who is - but it most certainly will not be Jieun. He’d make sure of it.

[exjieun-vogue]

If things were easy to let go of as easy as Luhan did when he stomped the cigarette out with his foot, Jieun would have let go a lot of things. Jieun simply just watched as she let Luhan put the smoke out. She clutched at her elbow, afraid of his expression, showing anger towards her. If anything, she didn't want to disappoint him. But from the first inhale she took, she knew she defied him. And maybe that's what she was leaning towards.

She would never understand how their relationship worked. Whether Luhan truly cared for her, or was she simply a replacement for passing time, a facade to caring about others. She wonders these things when she took her first underage sip of alcohol, when she first put the rolled paper onto her lips. He meant so much to her, that's what Jieun knew. She wouldn't have survived without his pointers, without his protection. There were days where she would feel cooped up, scrubbing layers of skin off and no matter how bloodied she'd become, she'd still feel dirty from merely fleeting touches of greeting or pats on the back. Until Luhan came and soothed her with soft pats on the arm and hugs that kept her close and shut out the dirtiness  That was how Luhan affected her, and still if not a bit more; she was indebted to him.

He asked her a simple question, but for that moment, Jieun saw Luhan. She really saw him. Not as the baby faced model that looked like a teenager. But the twenty two year old, eyes with sunken bags and a face depleted from it's glow from years of toxins and work. A face long given up into this world. His quiet voice and stare shook her. Partly because she was scared, less for herself but more for him. How long did it take for your heart to dissolve into this world?

Jieun looked down from his eyes, staring at his neckline, "I've only done it a couple of times. And it helps me..." she trails off, forcing herself to hold off '..relax'. Because it may only help in terms of her mind, but truly it only helps her with it's blackening smoke, polluting her lungs. It doesn't really help her relax, and she would never want to lie to Luhan. She couldn't.

Because she would never understand why he does it, it's anything but relaxing to her. She knows, he knows it's effects. And she asks in a quiet voice, sunken with nervousness, and fear--fear for him, "Why do you do it?"

[exjieun-vogue]

`jeopardy ❧ gd & jieun

[gdragon-vogue-blog]

[ . . .

“Calm down and stop breathing so loudly.” He murmured to her. He had little patience for models that couldn’t keep their emotions to themselves, especially in his shows. Giving another appraising glance at the obviously panicking girl, he gave a long suffering sigh and with a light rub of his temples, he asked in order to placate her.

“What’s your name?”

[exjieun-vogue]

As her dress was tucked in her waist again, fingers were slightly softer than how the assistant had been treating her. That called for no celebration of course, left for the male designer to prod her in more places. She heeded his advice, coming from a soft murmur. It calmed her down, knowing there were not bad intentions. Though in this industry, relations are probably beyond work and into sexual needs met in a hurry of busy lives. Jieun tried to stray from those people. 

She blinked at the male when he asked for her name. Of course, she had heard of the designer's name. He was one of the famous names in the industry toppled with the few hundred so. It was no wonder the famed didn't know her name. But there were many instances behind her name.

"Lee Jieun, persona of IU," she replied in the same manner, as if there were not the many meanings behind the simple words.

Lee Jieun was the girl who use to take the bus to school, accompanying her little brother to middle school. She was also the girl who's parents died in a car accident. There is Lee Jieun, who is a rising star in milky skin and petite frame, nicknamed IU for her seemingly innocent doll like features. She has an intense face yet dull eyes that seem endless in orbs.Then there were the rumors, the rumors that led her pathway to modelling. A scandal of a high executive who sexually assaulted a young girl of seventeen, though the whispers only lend inside the industry. Only few knows the real reason why the high executive was fired in such a rushed manner, for if things got out of hand, the company name could have been tarnished.

The girl stands before GD, wondering which meaning he finds out of her name because as of far, her only impression was just a model decreased in several sizes because starvation to the bones is what any model is like to survive in this industry.

[exjieun-vogue]

`home: definition ﻬ chanyeol & jieun

home \ˈhōm\ noun

The place where one lives permanently, esp. as a member of a family or household.

In Jieun's dictionary, there is no definition of home. Home is blank because home is where other people considered a place where you return to after a hard day, a place you return to where your friends are, where your family is. Returning to her empty apartment, she is sure--she has no home.

Jieun hadn't really counted off the days, maybe it's been a week maybe less. She had wandered around the city at first and fell asleep on a park bench. Then it went the sauna because she hated stinking and she was a model for god's sakes. She couldn't remember the days that were spent in the hotel because it seemed like she stayed in the bathtub, soaking in the smoke for a long time hoping to drown herself in nothingness nor the days looking at the waves of the beach and compiling sand in her sneakers. There were endless hours of bus rides, an aching to go back the days where school was daily routine.

If there is one clear reason why Jieun models, it would be because it keeps her busy. It keeps her away from her mind, fueled with exhaustion and hunger that she wouldn't have any room for stabbing emotions of the past. But a 2 week break isn't what Jieun asked for, nor could she ask them to shorten her days when the look on their faces try to say we aren't trying to kill you with all this work. She had done whatever she could in her apartment, a day killed off from sleeping, the TV radiating sound that bounced off the walls. But the sound of her thoughts were louder.

And here she was after unchecked days that marked off her break. Though she wasn't sure if it had been a week or two days even, she was sure lost with a bunch of money in her account. It could be said that Jieun hoped to get lost, away from the city where 'home' lies. What was home anyway. She didn't have a home where family is or a house to live in. She was sure she looked like a teenage runaway if not homeless. Her thin crop top hung from her shoulders, just barely ending at her waist; her shorts were tattered, tights underneath ripped, and sneakers through endless days of dirt were not shining new. If not the tag on the labels nor the fur on her trenchcoat, she wouldn't remember who she was. 

The slight pelting of wetness rained down from the sky, as Jieun left the shelter of the karaoke to the streets. Guessing from the fog in the air and the lack of people on the streets, it would probably be morning. Cursing her way through, Jieun settles for the red phone booth, secluding her from the rain. She stared at the red phone, large in size, screaming connection at her. The last time she used her phone was looking at the 50+ messages and endless calls from Park Chanyeol and others on her screen. Park Chanyeol especially meaning he was calling her right when her drink slipped into the cup of liquid before blacking out. Unaware of her actions, her fingers had already pressed the metal buttons of his memorized phone number at heart. The  call was dialing. Jieun's heart felt like it was about to burst, awaiting the low tone of a brown haired male who lies in endless missed calls in her broken phone.

[exjieun-vogue]

`tracker }} 130126

from me:

chanyeol (starter)

gd

from you:

luhan

baekhyun

hyejeong

in mailing: 

kraas (always off topic bruh)

yixingxing (my gahd we need to get this done)

joonmyun (omg you too)

tiffany

soeun

nana

myungsoo

you? (though we'd probably be off topic for days; check my relations yo)

sorry if i missed anyone, i have short term memory sobs

[exjieun-vogue]

`winter's snow 〄 baekhyun & jieun

It was winter again, the snow was falling slowly. Jieun placed a foot onto the cold platform with her ankle heeled boot. She wrapped herself closer to her fur trench coat, full with slim jeans that clung to her legs. To anyone, the model would have looked like a city woman and not a 19 year old girl. Jieun had shed that identity long ago with the ashes of awkward smiles and bus rides. 

Jieun stepped out of the taxi, bidding the driver with a mumble of 'thank you' and 'good day'. She had nothing to do today, seeing it free to go pay visit to the company, drop in for her schedule. She stood at the foot of the tall building, looking up to it's vast glory in cold morning fog, the building with it's large label enunciating it's famous name in this country. Jieun is swept in flashbacks to her first glimpse of this building and still--two years later she is still awed by it's glory at the foot of the block of famous and infamous.

The sound of the door opening is heard, snow that crunches under the foot of brand name shoes. Jieun is knocked to the side, her vision not quick enough to turn from the grand building to the person side sweeping her. Her light chain is knocked off her shoulders, bringing her purse onto the snow filled ground. Her hand reaches the bag, another familiar hand grabs the bag before she does. She eyes those familiar hands with slender fingers and smooth skin, knowing only one who inherited his mother's pretty hands. 

Her eyes travel up the arm coming to view the boy--the man full of lidded eyeliner and perfectly styled hair. Byun Baekhyun. The epitome of her first heartbreak on the verge of her awkward smiles standing in front of her. Her breath is choked out of her. The thin bag left forgotten in the other's hands, the sound of the door clicking shut in the air.

In winter's snow Byun Baekhyun stands in full person, a snowflake landing in his hair, enticing his charm. Like two years ago, she remembers a boy with dull adoring eyes that smiled at her. And under winter's snow she stood for his return, the figure of his back in early winter fading at the first snow. In layers of snow that toppled on the ground, he never returned. Two years pass and Jieun wonders where her heart went.

[chirutto]

[luhan-vogue-blog]

↳ contradictory // luhan & jieun

[ . . .

He wanted to yell at her, to tell her not to be stupid, to ask why she wanted to fuck up her life just like he had, but he forced down the anger threatening to burst out from his throat. “What are you doing?” he hissed instead, voice low and eyes narrowed.

[exjieun-vogue]

To say there was not a day where Jieun felt loneliness settle inside of her would be a lie. Even on good days, she would have a nice day of work, a good laugh with friends with levity and still. She would return home and feel the weight of the world on her shoulders with the cold apartment greeting her. On bad days, Jieun would cry her heart into the pillow, her cries muffling as every single second replayed of the loss of her family, her little brother. 

And when she felt like a social reject, Jieun would bury herself in the world of loudness where all her thoughts could not be heard above the booming of lyrics that smashed their way in. She would take a quick smoke, lose herself among the toxins in the air, the skin that stuck onto her every side.  It's suffocating. With two male models by her side, thighs touching too close for comfort, sides sticking and closing her in between them. Taking an inhale of smoke from the cigarette, she resisted the urge to cough again. It was dirty, the way they slipped their fingers across her back. Everything was dirty--she belonged here though, in the air full of intoxication of drunken souls that cling to much for comfort, dark secrets, and worlds away from sanity. She belonged here.

A hand reached out to yank her from her seat, dislodging her from the two males. What the--a look to the face that dragged her through the crowds of people lost in the music. Luhan. She felt a tinge of shock and nervousness. He pushed her out the door, staring at her with hard glare in her eyes, fumes of anger radiating into the cold air.

How does she even start describing Luhan? He found her when she was a lost girl to the world, picked her up and protected her. He pushed her outside her bounds yet shielded her from the fears of the dangerous industry that called for harsh rumors and dirty lies like a guardian angel. With the first hug he managed onto her, she let him seep through the cracks. She thought her heart was lost. But sometime, he had managed to place himself into a piece of her heart.

But that's all he'll ever have. Because Jieun can't give him her love, for he would never love her back. She long gave up her heart, only to look at the guardian with admiring eyes and accepting his wings that wrapped her close to safety. Sometimes, only sometimes, could she feel her heart strings being pulled back to him.

Luhan held her shoulders in a tight grip, face looking like words were about to spew out angrily in harsh reprimanding. Jieun bit her lower lip waiting for his outburst. Only he gripped tighter, words low in tone and delivering a harsh accusation. "Lu--" she looked into his judging eyes, ones that were cold and disapproving, "..han". She dropped the eye contact, looking to the side of nothingness to avoid his stare. "W-what do you mean? I-I'm having fun obviously. Besides, aren't you here?" Right. Fun. Though Jieun knows fun will be the last thing in the room full of sweat sticking bodies of low cut shirts and rapid beats.

She takes the cigarette in between her fingers to her lips, smoke puffing into the cold air. She gives a short cough at the urgency of the smoke. To be truthful, Jieun never liked smokes or cigarettes--in fact, she never liked the smell, the taste, or being around people who smoked. But it helped. It helped because she knew that with each inhale of the grayness that polluted her lungs was another second shorter to life. Smoking helped her calm down with every drag through the lips (even though it killed her all the same.)

[exjieun-vogue]

`protection ❇ hyejeong & jieun

Sometimes Jieun wonders if they chose life or if life chose them. It was a wonder how models survived in this industry in the chaos of harsh words, back-stabbing rumors, and stereotypical starvation just to lose a few pounds (though it ended up being a rack of bones) perhaps throw in a few mental illnesses like depression or insomnia. Whether it was them who chose to be these kinds of people (--monsters now, really. Though Jieun would never admit how herself has turned out) or it was fate who chose to force them on that winding pathway that seemed a never ending road through hell.

But hell doesn't have luxuries.

Jieun was grateful that modeling helped her get back onto her feet, away from the screaming voices in her head that never failed to remind her of her little brother that would spend his last moments in a state of darkness and his last memory of her would be a blood hand that caressed his face in her state of uselessness. She was grateful to have younger ones to look over, dote them as if she didn't lose a little brother. Hyejeong was one of the few that entered her vision, even if she was younger by only a few months.

And there she was staring a hard look into Linus's eyes. An aura of anger, disappointment, and worry fuming out of the petite shaped girl.

A few moments ago, she had walked into Hyejeong's photoshoot in a bit of excitement to be able to make her dongsaeng lunch. She greeted a few of the employees and staff of the shoot, bowing to them. There were whispers of her presence afterall, she was a rising model. Seeing the girl visit a rookie would have been quite surprising. 

But there was nothing but an angry woman's voice, waving a piece of ripped fabric, practically in spitting distance from an upset, blinking Hyejeong. Jieun quickly dove by the younger, bowing to the designer. She flashed her winning smile, "Please excuse our Hyejeong. She's still a bit new to the industry. Forgive her this time." Jieun's never failing face that showed not a speck of lie, her lips donning the playful yet professional smile. The designer fumed once again, wording a harsh, "Fine", and raging toward the door. Jieun sighed, her smile dropping when the woman left the room. She turned to the latter, searching for an explanation when the photographer mumbled about the carelessness of rookies. "Come on, let's finish one more and we'll have a break", the photographer urged her. She saw the girl look up with confidence in her eyes once again. The clicking of the shutters proving her every perspective with her all youthful and chic beauty. Linus.

It was not Hyejeong at the scene of the crime but it was Linus. Jieun inwardly gave a groan and a sigh. A lecture of reprimanding the younger in the process from her brain. As soon as Linus finished with a word 'beautiful' from the photographer, Jieun grasped Linus by the arm, hushed words already spewing out of her mouth. "I told you. I told you to look after her. You said that it's what you do. I should have known you would slip up sooner or later." She spoke as if Linus and Hyejeong were two different people in their respective bodies.

[sunqeol]

[exjieun-vogue]

`jeopardy ❧ gd & jieun

Jieun grimaced as she felt a pinch of the dress against her back. She took a deep breath to calm herself from panicking, only to be scolded not to make such a big moment. She bit her tongue, thinking I only tried to breathe, gosh lady. Normally, Jieun wouldn't have much problem with adjustments. Well, she did have problems but not like this one. This was the third refitting this week. Jieun didn't understand why didn't they wait another week for the next fitting. The runway practice wasn't even until the end of the month. Besides, designers should know that during runway season, models start dropping weight like a dump truck. Jieun was not excluded, her diet including hunger pains permanent in her stomach for a few days. Though it wasn't to say she didn't throw up her stomach into the toilet a few times these weeks. But everyone does it, it's not like she throws her soul into there all the time. She can't do it. She won't; she's not that messed up. Yet. 

Jieun would never grow use to skin interaction. Not after he messed her up that bad. Something ripped inside her mind. She remembers feeling so dirty, she couldn't face anyone for two months. Not that there was anyone to face. By the time she returned to school, the teachers excused her for her growing fame in the industry. That was four months later. But her interaction became even less than it already was. She stayed close minded and distant from others, hissing as if she had been burned whenever someone touched her. Slowly, Jieun learned not to panic at the sight of men and light touches. It doesn't mean she didn't flinch, but this was the modeling industry. There was no 'can't's.

The real designer came in shooing away his assistant was when Jieun's breath hitched. It was a man. Now she would have a problem. Jieun tightened her fists when times like these came and tried to suppress the ugly, dirty feelings inside her when he measured her and tucked the dress against her skin.

[askboxmemes]

True/False game. Make an assumption about me in my ask and I’ll tell you if its true or false. Go.

[notreallycl-vogueanymore-blog]

Go crazy.

[jieu-n]

[exjieun-vogue]

14, 25

14. already answered

25. 5 things within touching distance. 

1. macaroons  I hate sweets but for some reason I'm okay with french sweets

2. water bottle water is the path to cleansing the body. And it helps temporarily fill up the gaping hunger

3. cell phone calls and texts are important, you never know if you might get some business or emergency

4. book it's nice to snuggle up and enter a world away from reality for a couple of hours 

5. pillow after a hard day of work, sometimes I really just crash into my bed and forget about everything, if only I could sleep forever 

[exjieun-vogue]

9 ~

9. something that makes me sad when i think about it.

Something sad? (`looks down a bit lost) like how my parent's died in a car crash? (`eyebrows furrow, anger in her voice) Or how my little brother died in his coma? Or how I was--(`stops abruptly, inhaling deeply) There's a lot of sad things. It never really goes away.

[exjieun-vogue]

14 ~

14. something i do without realizing.

My friends have told me that sometimes my smile is really sad. (`smiles lightly still) I guess, through these years, it's been my defense mechanism. (`bites lower lip softly) When I'm tired or sad or angry, there's not really much you can do. (`shrugs) I guess out of habit now, I'm always smiling because it's better to pretend you're alright since there's no changing it.

[askboxmemes]

Ask me~

[exjieun-vogue]

the person i like and why i like them.

a famous person i’ve been compared to.

5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.

the best thing that has happened to me this week.

weird things i do when i’m alone.

how i’d spend ten thousand bucks.

things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look.

my last night out in detail.

something that makes me sad when i think about it.

something i’ve lied about.

would i rather be stranded on a desert island with someone i love for ten years or someone i hate for a month? explain why.

something i’m currently worrying about.

one person from tumblr i’d throw off a cliff, one i’d marry and one i’d fuck.

something i do without realising.

lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.

a drunken story.

something i regret.

post a picture of myself.

my longest relationship and who it was with.

press ctrl v and post.

post a bit of my last IM convo.

5 things i want to change.

my view on being tumblr famous.

someone i’d like to be for a day and why.

5 things within touching distance.

story of my first kiss.

[exjieun-vogue]

(;° ロ°)

(;° ロ°): Have you ever lost your wallet or purse?

I remember that time .. when I was getting some hot chocolate in the morning, a lot of people were staring because they recognized me. I thought it would be a quick pick up but no. (`face scrunches) Unfortunately, my wallet was forgotten at home and I looked up to the cashier, flashing him my sweetest smile. (`smiles sheepishly) It was such an embarrassment. I left free of charge (`tilts head, pausing) ... well with my autograph and polaroid picture hanging in the cafe.