.mei.xi.

学如逆水行舟, 不进则退undefined+unrefined the-world-is-my-oyster for people • for planet

[exxmixionxvert]

do you have time this weekend?

you must really not know me enough to ask me out on a holiday, no less. ahaHAHH BLOckED

[exxmixionxvert]

i’ve always had the biggest insecurities over this facial feature that i now am proud to own -- the eyes. always too small, too slanted, too...

over time, though, i’ve begun to see them through a new light. 

[exxmixionxvert]

snippets: TOK essay in progress

because whenever someone asks me to recount what exactly happened during that time -- and believe me, it has happened much more frequently than I would have liked -- I am at a loss for words. I could gloss over it, say it was “just a messy situation of the heart and perhaps some mental health issues muddled in”, but it was so much more than that. It was the violent collision of my various identities and I was always struggling to hold back the toxicity and prevent tears from gushing out like huge floodgates and for some reason I always revert to this diluted explanation for my abnormal behaviour. I mean, the alternative would be to launch into a whole discussion about the nature of my nasty disposition and character and future aspirations, and this strange, sudden realization that whatever I was doing then -- and now, too, to some extent -- was doing nothing or very little to accomplish such. But I figured I would be doing everyone I interacted with a great service by sparing all these boring facts that nobody asked to hear in the first place so I clump all of my sadness into one, “I’m fine now, so that’s all that matters.”

[exxmixionxvert]

happiness

at this point in time, i do not deserve it. i cannot bring myself to it. i can only feign it.

[exxmixionxvert]

因为无论我们这样，我们是美丽世界的孤儿 — 别哭，亲爱的人；我们要坚强……

[exxmixionxvert]

reminiscing

scrolling through our conversations from way back when and it always me who killed the mood. might be too late now, but im still going to give it a few months. i simply vibe with you on another intellectual level, and im not all that willing to give up on those feelings so quickly.

after SATs, IAs, EAs, and IB exams though - there are always enough responsibilities to use as an excuse.

[exxmixionxvert]

life and limes

unwarranted pick up lines from middle-aged men in uptown coffee shops yet everywhere i go, you are all i see isn’t this ironic and incoherent haAha1?

[exxmixionxvert]

i am so

lonely.

[exxmixionxvert]

“Because we are the intrepid adventurers, the curious thinkers, the empathetic listeners, the observers of detail, the bold creators, the radical inventors - we are the romantics. And for this, we should be proud.”

THIS IS EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU, KYLIE, FOR YET ANOTHER BRILLIANT PIECE OF ARTWORK. BRAVO!

[exxmixionxvert]

r o a S t. Ed

my mother is reopening the deepest of wounds with her sharp tongue.

“don’t you know the type of person you are?”

“as if anybody would want to be your friend; you can barely manage to keep your own shit together.”

“i know you and your bullshit too well, and i am done with it all.”

“you’d be the type to lick the feet of others and pick garbage off the street for a living.”

“又残又懒”

“name one positive attribute of yours...exactly.”

“ｃａｏ你妈”

”who did you get with tonight you who’re”

“i will fucking cut off your legs the next time you come after 8 pm so that you’re immobile and stripped of all freedom.”

too drained to include the full list, so enjoy only select remarks for now.

having the best of sunday nights rn hbu?

[exxmixionxvert]

been feeling unimpressed by how the world is being run [to the ground] as of late so decided to relish in some art-hoeing and capture the moment. also have noticed that my tumblr is turning into a dump of my hot-not-hot pics so might have to rethink this choice. hmm.

[exxmixionxvert]

blasting the haters away with love and light!

[exxmixionxvert]

“coffee shop”

watching corny ass flicks on Netflix while munching on tangerines at 2 am really gets at my impressionable young mind - as if nyc couldn’t be any more romanticized...

[itcanbe-chic]

[exxmixionxvert]

hygge af

[studyspiration-coffee]

Sometimes you need to get real with yourself. Don’t pretend those tabs of youtube videos and fanfiction take precedence over that maths homework you need to get done. Don’t tell yourself you’ll get up early and do it, because chances are, your alarms will go off and you’ll snooze it automatically. Then right before the dreaded fourth period you will be stressed to no end and you’ll feel the feeling. You know, the feeling. When you can genuinely feel the list of tasks and responsibilities build up on your shoulders. That stationery will do nothing to save your grades if you don’t actually use it to make your revision materials. Don’t click onto youtube as a study break and find that 3 hours and only 4 pages of reading later, the glare of the screen gets a little blurry when you look at the time and look at your to do list with your priorities highlighted. I don’t care how much self control you think you have, or how much discipline you think you’ve honed, because when you make the decision to put of work that needs to get done and you’re relying on this new found immense self discipline that future you will just suddenly obtain, you know you’ve already lost. And it’s a double loss because not only have you lost to laziness and short term ‘happiness’, future you has lost to stress and possibly even not getting the grades or the qualifications you could’ve gotten that would’ve led you to take the path you’ve wanted to take. So please, for the love of your future self, get it done now. 

[exxmixionxvert]

slightly disappointed at how long it took me to realize this.

better late than never, i guess. keep this in your mind for exams and the rest of high school. you’ll need it.

[exxmixionxvert]

acceptance of rejection

i applied for this opportunity a while back, and as it turns out, emails of acceptance were sent out earlier this week, on may 3. it is now may 7. thank you, vital voices - you have motivated me to rise above the challenge for next year. still, i cling to a small sliver of hope.

[exxmixionxvert]

ambient ambression

ambition-induced depression - it’s real. 

today, i came home and cried for an hour or so while attempting to heal.    after blubbering like a baby to my parents about my morning chemistry test, i’ve since (barely) gotten through a few pages of life of pi for english. i’m not exactly sure what to make of myself at this point. i used to crave after-school distraction, in all its forms - comfort foods, scrolling through social media, binge-watching pointless videos - though none of this does anything to excite me much anymore. now, i’m willing to do anything it takes to regain control over a life  friends and family have all but shut their ears completely to my incoherent ranting, their minds probably so sick of the bullshit i spew.

in little over a year, i have let down countless people - myself included. no amount of apologies will recalibrate the damage i’ve caused.  nevertheless, i will thicken my skin and face the storm. avoidance is never the answer. it is not realistic to think all will be resolved, just by running away from my problems.  failure is not fatal. given the time and action, this, too, will surely pass. <3