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in which, lohen has a hard time coming to terms with your departure.
contents. lohen x gn!reader, angst, childhood friends, spoilers for lohen's aq (reader has same backstory), lohen doesn't understand trauma very well, one (kinda gorey) kms joke, does not follow the canon storyline of genshin, no beta lol
Tonight was your last night in Mondstadt.
The moon would eventually bid the world farewell, you'd be doing your final checks before embarking on the journey to Inazuma—this time a permanent destination rather than a holiday.
By the flower fields of Dornman Port you sat, comforted by the meek waves of the shore and the lighthouse watching over you. Maybe it was how abnormally bright it was for the evening, or perhaps the occasional passerbys, but for once, you appeared comfortable, being alone so late.
Etherwing moths danced in the air around you, a soft glow that illuminated your back, a sight Lohen needed to seer into your memories—for tonight was going to be your last night in Mondstadt, and one of the last few moments Lohen wasn't alone.
You broke the news to him on a random Tuesday, quietly announcing your departure. Your gaze refused to meet his, and his couldn't pull away from you.
You already know my family's from there. They want to support me and my parents. And they know a renowned clinical psychologist there that's willing to help me.
Lohen had gritted his teeth.
Why are you looking at me like that...? I can finally get better now. I won't have to be a burden anymore.
He couldn't stand it when you described yourself as a burden.
At the tender age of ten, Lohen was kidnapped—you were one of the children in his cell, alongside Theodore.
It changed both of you for the better, everyone, really. Even someone as logical and calculating as Lohen couldn't help but sometimes wonder, how different would the trajectory of his life be, if his father hadn't let their carriage get held up by those treasure hoaders?
Lohen spat venom that day, snapping about how ridiculous it was to think of yourself as something to be fixed. He knows you best and knew you were far more capable than you described yourself, there was no need to run away to Inazuma. He went through the same thing and turned out fine—he believes you did too.
Since then, you hadn't spoken to each other. Not even glance at one another in the rare moments you passed each other.
Now, he watched you sit, staring towards the ocean while hardly moving. Adorno had lectured him, and for once he listened, urging him to say goodbye. Even if he didn't muster the courage to do so, he could at least stand guard for you—to make sure you'd return unscathed tonight.
"I know you're there, Lohen."
He haphazardly stuffed the letter into his pocket and grunted, before settling in the grass. He didn't say anything, there's was so much on his mind that he couldn't even start.
"I'm sorry."
Lohen scoffed. "You didn't even do anything wrong, You need to get rid of that habit." He wonders and worries, if it'd make you an easy target when you're gone.
You chuckled, a soft, tired noise. "Probably, yeah. But you seemed so upset the other day. I felt bad."
Lohen, you need to stop being so immature. Adorno had chastised him, after he heard about your argument. You can swallow up your pride and apologise, or you can make your final moments together a petty argument that they didn't even deserve.
He sucked in a sharp breath.
"I was in the wrong...I'm sorry for being so...childish."
His heart raced, faster than it ever had in combat. Even the Knights of Favonius entrance exam, he passed with nonchalance. He cleared out monsters with a bloodrushing excitement, but not once did he feel as stressed as he did now.
(Lohen never knew love was this exhilirating. He looked down upon the romances of fiction and the crushes his colleagues would gush about. Now, he felt, and probably looked, even more pathetic than they ever could.)
The waves took their turn to speak, licking up the shore as he stared at a crab to keep himself occupied. Crickets hidden in bushes somewhere sang, and his mouth went dry.
"I missed you." You whispered, and it stung more than any injury he's endured. "I'm glad I got to see you again before I left."
It was callous. Rude, even, but he didn't restrain himself. "Do you really have to go...?"
Trembling yet amused, you sighed. "Yes, I do. I told you, my dad's family's there to help me, and they're friends with—"
"—a renowned psychologist yeah. I was listening." He trailed off, guilty for cutting you off. "But still. Mondstadt's your home."
Where the wind watched over its people. Where dandelions granted dreams and wishes. Where Lohen was.
"I know. That won't change. I wasn't exactly excited to move away, y'know?" You pulled out a blade of grass, picking it into smaller pieces. "But, I don't think moving to Inazuma is a terrible idea. Having a fresh start will be good for me. Like getting away from what happened."
Maybe it was your smile, or how the move was entirely logical, that makes Lohen lose it.
"You don't need a fresh start—"
"I do, Lohen. I know we went through the same thing and all, but it doesn't mean I'm going to be just as successful. I'm nothing like you."
The words tumbled out before he could even filter them, moving faster than his brain ever could. "If I'm so successful why won't you let me protect you—? I can provide everything you need, a—and want. Heck, I could get you a job too—you're smart, and good with books, you like them—I'm sure Lisa would want an assistant or something—"
"That won't fix me. I want to reclaim my life by myself. I want to stop being scared of our past."
He choked on his words, whimpering at how peaceful you looked, even if it meant leaving the nation you lived in all your life.
"...stop saying that. You're not some broken item to put back together..." Lohen's gaze tentatively drifted towards you. You didn't reciprocate, admiring the shore and the moon's blurry reflection.
Reclaim life—Lohen understands the feeling all too well. There was a reason why he trained relentlessly, constantly alert and on guard. He could never enter a room without scanning its entirety for potential dangers, nor could he go without carrying at least two weapons.
"Even so, can't you do it here, in Mondstadt? With me?" He nuzzled his face into your neck, too afraid to meet your gaze. The night air didn't feel so cold against your skin.
It was only thanks to you, that he feels a semblance of stability, and warmth. You were the only one who listened. Even if you enjoyed the predictability of routine, you never forced him to indulge in the same habits as you, something his parents failed to recognise.
Lohen despises routine and mundanity, but with you, it felt more like a break from life than mindnumbing monotony.
You were right, you're nothing like each other, you were gold and he was a lump of coal.
You even managed to interpret his bloodlust positively, always quipping about how Mondstadt was only safe because of Lohen. Lohen thinks that, even if you weren't trapped in that cell with him, you would've still understood his soul perfectly fine.
Lohen doesn't want you to go. He doesn't want to be alone. He wanted you here, in Mondstadt.
He wanted you to feel warmth with him, as much as he basked in yours.
Your cheek rested in his head, the reciprocation widened his eyes and drove his heart wild. "I wish. But it's too late, I'm already leaving tomorrow. I'm not going to change my mind."
This must've been Lohen's own failure. Had he taken your insecurities more seriously, maybe he could've done something. He's garnered a decent amount of experience with the Knights of Favonius and the Adventurer's Guild, he could've taught you to fight—that opens up plenty of opportunities, and you'd feel safer alongside them.
This was simple consequence, he thought. You were leaving because Mondstadt wasn't good enough.
You pulled away, and Lohen's heart sank. He sat up normally, deciding it'd be best to say his final goodbyes soon.
A sniffle interrupted his plans, followed by a choked sob.
You were crying. Furiously so. You turned away, hands rubbing away at your eyes.
"Hey..." A gloved hand reached out to you.
"Fuck—I didn't want to cry again...I don't want to go—"
The sight of you crying tortured him more than any mission could.
Lohen's been witness to your tears on many accounts, but today he was lost for words.
An arm wrapped around you, pulling you in as you wailed.
"I'm gonna miss you." You kept refusing to face him, even as he pulled you closer. Incoherent, you sobbed, hiccuping on your misery.
"I'll miss you too. Everyone will."
It's not "running" away, Lohen. Adorno had reassured him. Not all people heal the same, much like wounds. You have your own idea of healing. They have their own.
He understands that, yet something inside him pleaded to hold onto you forever, and never let you go.
I'll miss that child too. They've treated you well. But it's their turn to find themselves again. There'll be surrounded by love in Inazuma, their parents love them dearly to make that choice. It takes a great amount of courage to take a step that big.
Adorno was right. Leaving was for your sake. You'd be happy in Inazuma, your extended family there loved you dearly, often sending plenty of goods and letters over to you. That psychologist you mentioned would help you understand yourself better, and a change of environment was understandable. Leaving, was ultimately a good decision for you.
Lohen couldn't say the same for himself, but that wasn't important.
Your cries died down, Lohen waited until you were ready to speak, endearingly rubbing your shoulder.
You sighed, wiping your tears one final time. "I'm glad you came here. I was worried our last conversation would be a fight."
Lohen flinched, regret pouncing on him. Quite frankly, if it weren't for Adorno, he'd wallow in disaster and remorse for the rest of time, all because he was immature enough to avoid you after a fight he initiated.
"I'd rather shoot myself in the head then not say goodbye." You chuckled at the graphic joke. "Besides." He shifted, pulling you in so he could face you. Your eyes were traced in red and your nose was dusted pink, but it made no difference for him. "There's no 'last conversation' happening between us. You'll be back to vi—no, I'll travel there to see you when I can. I'm gonna be writing letters to you too, silly."
(Lohen's eyes were burning, but he refused to cry. Not when he regretted not being strong enough to help you. His pride tells him to minimise your guilt, for both of your sakes.)
You stopped making the effort to conceal your face, sniffling. "You're right. I'll be back. I'll bring you back all sorts of candy, okay?"
He smiled, a rare moment of happiness in recent times. "You better."
Your breathing had finally stabilised. "I'll be back." You repeated. "I'll come back as a happier person."
The determination glowing in your eyes comforted Lohen. Before he could speak again, you scurried around, searching the ground.
"Did you lose something?"
You shook your head. "Dandelion—I wanna make a wish."
(Your growth and return was inevitable in Lohen's head. But if a dandelion was what you wanted, then a dandelion was what you'd get.)
Neither of you could find anything nearby, you were about to lose hope, until an idea flickered in his head. Lohen fished out the letter, smoothing it out. You leaned in, curious. "What is that?"
"Stupid report I messed up on." He lied—he would never keep a botched report, nor redo one. 'But it should work equally fine."
'What do you mean?"
He tore it apart before you could see it, into the smallest bits and pieces he could. The fragments of paper pooled in his palms, and he made sure the wind wouldn't interfere with your wish.
Careful, he held his cupped palms to your mouth. "Make a wish."
You blinked, Lohen sighed.
"I know it's not the same, but I'm sure Barbatos will grant your wish either way. He's the god of freedom, it's...the thought that counts. Somethin' like that."
A grin bloomed across your lips. "How did you even manage to think of this?" Your posture straightened and you blew with all your might, before the wind carried the paper away.
Together, you watched the wish dance in the air, before falling into the sea.
Your hands were clasped tight in a prayer, resting against your forehead with your eyes closed.
(Lohen hated religion. He thought of praying as a pointless pass time for those who didn't want to seize control of their own lives. He'd never admit it to anyone, not even you, but in his head, he prayed alongside you—for you to return soon. Yet at the same time, he wanted this ephemeral night to last for eternity.)
He pried the silence away first. He knew if he sat here any longer with you, it'd hurt more when you had to go.
"It's getting late." Lohen declared. "You'll need the rest before the trip. And Varka's gonna scold me about sleep deprivation or whatever.
"Mm. Okay." You stood up, brushing the dirt off your knees, but your gaze was fixated on the ocean, where your 'dandelion' had flown to. "Thank you."
"For?"
"Y'know. Everything. And just then. I feel like you've always helped me."
"I could say the same for you." As he stood, it was beginning to hit him—it wasn't even a full day until you were gone—across the sea, all the way in Inazuma, a lonely archepeligo, further than he had ever been. "Besides, you don't need a wish to make your way back."
His fingers fiddled with an ear, before removing one of his silver and sapphire earrings. He held it out to you. You remained still with shock, as it glistened in pityful moonlight.
"Just take it. You give it back to me once you're back." He huffed, regretting not preparing a goodbye gift. All he knew was violence. "That way, I know you won't forget to return."
(He was familiar with bow crafting of course, but he wanted to give something meaningful, not a talent that he never cared for. He thought the letter would suffice, but that had gone into the wind and sea.)
Despite your teasing, you accepted the earring, carefully pocketing it. 'Are you sure you won't miss it? Now you only have one earring."
Lohen shrugged. "Eh, I'll look good either way. Plus, it'll minimise my chances of someone ripping off my ear in a fight. Do you want the other, as well?" His fingers already reached for the other ear. You declined, clinging onto his wrist.
"No. One is enough. It kind of feels like we're matching now."
The two of you began walking, with the moon peering down on you. You marveled at the occasional cat running past, or the fireflies fluttering around.
"Did you know Morax used mountains as weapons? He used them to seal away gods."
No, Lohen didn't. "The geo archon?"
"Yeah. I bought a new book about Liyue's history."
The topic changed out of nowhere, as you walked through Dornman Port together.
"Interesting. Tell me more."
(That night, Lohen had intentionally walked slower to stretch out your remaining time together. He liked to think that you did as well.)
It's been a year or so. Lohen was not used to your absense, but he has grown accustomed to writing letters instead of running to your doorstep.
Inazuma was treating you well. Pages upon pages replaced your excited ranting, and you pressed the local flowers for him—Lohen decided he'd learn to press cecilias for you when he had the chance to learn. Your letters recounted your adventures, from the new friends you made, to how the psychologist you were seeing turned out to be a 'yumekui baku', a spirit known for eating the bad dreams of humans. Turns out you stopped having nightmares as a whole, and you've learned to manage panic attacks better.
I've been enjoying culinary school so much! Life feels so much better now that I've found something I love. You should let me know what dishes you want me to learn, I'll practice for you.
Lohen always kept a page of your letters with him. It was reaching midnight, and he was dragged to the Tavern with the Varka, simply because it was the end of the week. He smiled to himself, rereading your handwriting as comfort.
Varka took a seat besides him, groaning and immediately asking Diluc for a beer. Lohen refolded the letter again, pocketing it. "You sure you don't need a drink?"
Lohen shook his head. "Tastes rancid. Being drunk isn't worth the taste. Apple cider's better." Before he could ask, Diluc had already began preparing one for him. "Thank you, Master Diluc."
The bartender grunted at the honorific, quietly before getting on with Varka's beer. Diluc of Dawn Winery was always stoic and composed, but today, eyebags were storming and he appeared more irritated than anything. Lohen knows he hates the knights, but he was in a worse mood than usual.
Varka, being the ever-so perceptive Grandmaster, called it out first. "You look tired. What's up?"
Diluc sighed. "Sakoku Decree. Can't import sake for the time being." He rubbed circles on his temple. "The tariffs are abnormally high, too. Can't sell or buy from Inazuma."
The mention of your (now) nation of residence piqued his curiosity. It must've been an commerce related thing.
The Grandmaster shrugged. "Mondstadt's beer always tasted better anyways." He joked, thanking Diluc for his drink. "But I never knew. Any reason why?"
He wiped down the counter. "No. It's indefinite as well."
"Poor Ulrike. Her son's living there, isn't he?"
Lohen's heart sank. "What are you talking about?"
Varka took a massive gulp of beer, wiping his mouth with a bulky forearm. "The shogun of Inazuma cut it off. Completely. No one can enter or leave. And we have no idea when that'll change"
His voice broke. "You're joking, right?"
Diluc scoffed. "I wish he was."
Suddenly, Lohen struggled to breathe, and his apple cider began to taste awful. A gloved hand pushed himself off his seat, and he left a pile of mora for his drink.
"What happened?" Varka tried to reach out, but Lohen dodged. Even Diluc was concerned. "You feeling alright?"
"Air. I just need air. I'll be back."
Before either of them could question him any further, he left.
No one can enter or leave. How were you meant to return or visit, then? Neither could he. And if it's indefinite, then it could be anything—the shogun was an archon, divine beings hardly consider the mortal.
Even outside, Lohen felt like he couldn't breathe. What about the letters you were writing to each other? Would the decree affect that too? Such an oppressive policy couldn't mean anything good either, what if something was happening in Inazuma?
What if something happened to you?
Lohen walked and walked, until he was alone enough to panic.
What about the wish you made? The promise to reunite some day—
Lohen couldn't help but mourn—if only he had found you a real dandelion that day.
if i have to start writing fanfiction for the new rsa characters i will fucking explode. wdym there making ALL OF THEM. can we stick to just che'nya and neige maybe please
breaking through the RSA haze because of course I couldn't forget about Grim in his special little stripey jammies! he's ready to join us at the slumber party and stay up WAY past his bedtime (just...after he rests his eyes for a second...)
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