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@ezrah27
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Once again.. They won..
Why are my thoughts are killlling me every single day? My chance to be happy and to love myself are gone. I'm just tired. I no longer wish those things again coz in the first place I dont want to put myself in a situation that I KNOW would only cause destruction to my self.
Why do I feel empty, lost, scared and unloved?
Hoping true happiness will eventually find me again and live happily ever after
Here I am again, ranting some things that I would really like to express but unfortunately, no one is willing to hear or to be with me with this difficult time of my life. I just dont know what to do or what to feel. Am I making the right decision to pretend that I’m okay even though I’m not? Am i being selfish to my self now?
Unfair
Why am I always the one who's calling and video chatting everytime we fight. Why do I feel that he's not excited to talk to everytime we chat, its like he's only doing to that to please and not because he wants to. I really feel like that its unfair. It's takes two to tango as my mother would say when it comes to handle relationship. It's a partnership not ownership. I just hope as we enter another phase of our relationship would help us grow and at the same time work as a team.
How unfair it is
There will be no days to be constant with each other anymore.Even to small and simple details like saying goodnight before go to sleep will be forgotten eventually. I really dont know why. Right now, seldoms texts, seldom i love yous and sending lovely emojis are gone. I just miss those times that everything was great and full of emotions. I dont understand if its maturing up or everything is fading? The excitement, the burning love (as early couple would say), the clingyness.. everything is almost gone.
Let me sleep
Why is it soo hard to fall asleep? It's already 4 in the morning and i think this is the 5th time to sleep at this hour. Seriously? I'm tired and sleepy!!
Tired
I'm tired being choked with my own freedom. I'm also tired writing this but i dont even know why this is also helping me cope everything that has been going on with my life. I'm tired arguing what I think is right and benefit. I'm tired that all my insights are being neglected because its not bests for me and for my future also. I'm tired for understading everyone else. I'm tired feeling down and sad. I'm tired being alone. I'm just tired. I'm weak. I feel so lost. I feel nothing.
Question that I can't answer
Well, I guess I like to gather all my thoughts and sentiments at this time. By the way, it's already 4:07 in the morning as I type this. Actually, there's been a lot of questions that sometimes I find myseld difficult to answer it. Am I happy? How long should I endure all the pain and sadness? Will he be the one? To make me happy? How much can he sacrifice for our relationship to work? Am I sad all this time? Or the situation itself affects my mood? What am I going to do? Is this the life that I want and dream? Of course, I know for myself that me myself and I can answer all those questions but right now i really have no idea. I'm confused. I said I would give a chance but at the same time I'm giving myself to hurt. I really don't know. It's for me to find out.
Savage girl
I've done something that i will never regret. I did block someone or to some people in accessing my internet, did some research and asked someone to assist me in achieving this savage plan. My motive is not to hoard all the internet data and speed but it is to lecture someone that he should pay attention to his environment and as well as respect all the surroundings. With this generation, i know it is difficult to say no to internet but it has been too much and i've had it.
A day before 2018
How should I start this. Beginning of my 2017 was horrible and depressing. We all know that. My contract to work as a nurse was not renewed at the insititution that i may have worked here in Iloilo due to I have a heart problem. The chief nurse was horrible and so as the other heads (not all) in that hospital. However, I'm still blessed (and still am), got a chance to work again but not as a nurse but as Medical Records Clerk. First it was degrading in my part since I've worked hard for my licened but just having a congenital heart problem could put me into this situation. I was depressed. I was humliated everytime i go to hospital. But things changed, of course with support of my love ones, I learned to enjoy it and have fun with it, made new friends, had a good laugh, food trips even with just mangoes and ice pops. It seems that everything was perfect at the moments but you never knoe that evilness will just roam in the area you've had been working and they're mere existence was caused a destruction in your mind. But I've surpassed it and as usual made fun of it. But I have to step up. I have to prove them that eventhough I may have congenital issues I am still able to work as a nurse and especially in Emergency Room. Half of this year was my another adventure. After long 11 years, I have to go back to my hometown Marbel to where i was raised, taught how to wear my dress, socks and shoes and where i have experienced heaven and most of it H.E.L.L. I was traumatized of how my mom's doomed marriage and witnessed the unthinkable things that a husband would do this wife and to his kids. He was born that way. He was evil. So i have no choice, i have to live there again not knowing my future there was lonely and depressing. I have to be with a close relative of mama's side all alone. Living with someone's home was difficult, you just want to rest, skip breakfast and enjoy the coziness of your bed but you need to adjust to their rules and on how they live their daily lives because it has to be while I'm having problems with my adjustment to the new working place. Working in a tertiary government hospital with good salary was fleeting at the moment. The story behind that mini adventure of mine was my mother talked to the chief nurse and asked if they are any chances that i could worked there and assigned to Emergency Room (while we are here in the Iloilo at that moment) and she just said that all i need to do was to pass my resume. So when we got there and passed the requirements, we were shocked with the news she mentioned. I may work there as a nurse but no salary and no allowance. Real shocker. I know. Im poor. But since I'm already there. I have to face it. I accepted it with doubts. First, it was difficult, the adjustment, the new rules, new friends, new seniors, new issues. But later on i found myself enjoying there especially the massive admissions. The toxic patients and toxic watchers. I have to deal some maniac as well. While i'm all smiles, my body did not adjust, everytime im stressed due to the admissions, i just threw up and had high fever. But one night, i met someone, she mentioned about the chances to work in abroad. So after many debates with my mama, we agreed to go back here in Iloilo. With those hardships and heartbreaks, everything seems better. I'm with my chubby person, reviewing nclex, deal the stat application to uk is just wonderful. Though, there is an annoying guy and very ungentlemen, i would not let this moment to end my year 2017 with a lot of learnings to carry and adjust myself to a better version of this incoming 2018. Ended my 2017 pretty well and handled it savagely good and i know it will start my 2018 with a lot of fireworks and enjoying it.
Part 2
Continuation from my last post. Earlier before while I’m washing our clothes (me and my mom’s), we talked about the relationship of tin2 and someone (1st I dont want to mention his name and second if they’re going to break up in the future [👅] i dont want to remember his name). I realized that when you’re going to choose your lifetime partner, don’t look for how good looking he is, how he can spend a looooot of my money to satisfy your needs and wants but rather be with a guy who can make you better version of yourself. And I just think that I found that guy already. I’m just hoping that we can work this out and it’ll all be worth it someday.
I seldom tell him how I appreciate all the good things that he have done to me (coz everytime we fight, I just love to point all the negative things he had done. I know, I’m evil), but everytime i do, I really mean it. Funny enough that sometimes my hormones makes me more emotional everytime I think how lucky I am to be with him. I just really adore him.
December 30, 2107
It's already 2 in the morning and I find difficult to sleep at the moment since my right shoulder area is experiencing unpleasant sensation due to overdoing of cleaning the house. I would like to take this oppurtunity to appreciate this huggable person for he is the one of many wonderful blessings in my life. I never thought that this person could patiently stay beside me and deal all the craziness every single day (but not 24 hrs. He has to go to his home from time to time 😂😂😂). Right now, I can't imagine myself without this guy. He's all I want. I need. I love. There's so many to write about him but I think my brain isn't working properly as of now since the pain is totally loving my arm right now.
I tried to ignore all those negativism that affects me emotionally. I tried to be happy as if that i dont have any problems or any concerns in my future endeavors. But sometimes, i just cant stop thinking about it. Sucks, i know! I am lost. I feel crap about my self. I am failure.
Yes!! I decided to be happy again after all those trials, misunderstanding, and painful experiences. Cried a loooot, went hysterical sometimes but tried to control and self despair. But those days are long gone from now on, it’s time be my old self again, the bubbly old me. It’s to look forward and be thankful for all blessings. It’s to remove all the toxic people who made my life uneasy but never the learning. Despite the hatred towards those people, I am still grateful that I am what I am today. Stronger. Braver.
Alone..
Yeap. Went to medical records section not to comply my deficiencies but to work there as the one who makes the deficiencies slip to my co-workmates. At first, i was enjoying not until i felt it was a lonely job. All i need is to check all those charts every.single.page. And list all those who lacks. A bit annoying that even the intake and output worse the vital signs must be complied also. Its a time consuming to nurses and even the staffs in the medical recods. So what i did, anything that i think i can help, i was the one who fills their lacking. Hoping for better second day at that area.
Tried to be productive today
Went to PRC early today hoping that i could be done with in no time. But we spent a lot of our time waiting for our pictures will be taken. While our photos were being developed that time, we decided just to eat our lunch first at Biscochos House Restaurant and bumped tita Malou and accompany. Talked to her what happened to my career in Sanitarium but no reaction at all. We went to Sm after we got our pictures and watched Assassin's Creed. But having less than 4 hours of sleep (slept around 3 in the morning and woke up at 30 minutes past 6 am), but unknowingly slept the whole time in the cinema while cuddling my baby. Enjoyed every single time today that i was able to hang out with my best side up. No one can ever makes me happy like he did :)
What is happening to my life right now?
*sigh* Life is really difficult without even realizing it. How should i start this. 3 days before New Year, our chief nurse talked to me privately that my contract cannot be renewed since i have a cardiac problem. Yes, i honestly did not react well, i told her that before i enrolled Nursing Course i already consulted to my cardiologist and got my clearance that im fit to be a nurse but with limitation same as before working in the Sanitarium. When my friend's mother talked to her in consideration of renewing my contract, she responded that i was too disrespectful and wont changed her mind. Days go by, tita Net2 visited my mom since they were bestfriends back in their highschool days. Mother told her what happened between me and my chief nurse then tita net2 ,feeling disgusted, contacted her connections and one is that is our chief-of-hospital's wife. The latter told everything to our chief and on the next day wants to talk to me to his office, That was the time i told entirely i felt about our chief nurse on how unfair and discriminating she is. Without any arguments, Doc Jarina rehired me but not in the nursing service, but assigned to me to the Medical Records section. Now, i'm planning to renew my license first before going to my duty. Hope this wont take as negative by my new workmates.
Such a cutie pie!! 🐼🐼🐼🐼