[f6lth]

Fuck that

I need love

[f6lth]

[f6lth]

Joy has a habit of returning

~way too optimistic for my liking

[f6lth]

To be loved it to be known

To be loved is to be seen

To be loved is to be heard

To be loved it to be appreciated

[f6lth]

How life feels lately

[f6lth]

I love you… up until you open your mouth

I love you.. up until you spew that mysoginistic deranged vomit at me

I can’t blame you

For you have been brain washed

Power washed by the norms of a gossiping society

A limiting society

A fearful society that would rather hide behind its thumb than face the centuries of double standards it has in place

I love you… but how can I reveal to you my train of thought

When every carriage you’ll step into would be a shock bigger than the last

When I know for a fact that you would instinctively throw yourself off than get more than half way through the ride

This train churns and burns black coaled smoke

Toxicity of generations that I’m trying to free myself of

Toxicity deeply rooted into the brains and hands and love of those who have raised me

I say I’m breaking cycles

But honestly

It feels like on I’m on this train forever

Alone

And going in never-ending dizzying circles while I inhale this soot that you help burn

26 nov 24 // 6:40

[f6lth]

I remember playing with a paintbrush

Helping A fix something as usual

Ironic how he could never fix anything but always had a hammer, brush and nails near by

I brush the soft hair of the brush against my fingertips and fixate on the motion

Grab the cutter and get a small chunk of bristles through the shears and chop!

The pressure on the handles and in my palms dissipates

I am left with fine golden hairs littering the front of my pants and the floor beneath me

I collect them and bind them into another mini brush

One for me. To keep nearby in case the urge to fix something comes by

He… well you… A -

See the miserable choice at fun I had chosen

And a brand new golden brush missing teeth

You yell. Naturally

And I make a run for the “not to be lived in” living room

I sit on a couch, in the dark, crying for what feels like forever while hearing your continued rant

L comes in to find me

Bundled on the couch all 10 years of life me

Drowning in words and salty tears

I think I feared the disappointment

Being less than the perfect child that I am propped to be

I don’t know

I still do

Still am

5 dec 24 // 19:23

[f6lth]

Am I crazy?

I dig after and plow

Waiting for dirt on my nails

Searching for dirt under these nails

8 dec 24 // 2:46

[f6lth]

I feel dumb

I feel stupid

I feel used

And taken advantage of

I feel like I’ve poured

I’ve splatted and scattered myself

To be met with disrespect

With craziness

Maybe I’m too accepting

Maybe I’m too understanding

I still worry about your comfort and well being

When I’m in the furthest depths of uneasiness

I make you immune to my sadness

Immune to my pain and hurt

I make you make me unhappy

This falls on me

I dedicated so much of myself to you

I gush over you

Only for you to give me percentiles of your attention and affection

I can teach you many things

I can be the guide the advisor and the shoulder

But I CANNOT baby sit you

I cannot handle ALL your emotions

Navigate YOUR feelings for you while still trying to process the whole load

I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED

I REFUSE TO BE LIED TO

I DENY ALL WAVES OF LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF CONVENIENCE

Because I throw all of my self

Dive in head first

Rank top 1

Just to be crowned

“Most likely to look like an idiot”

22 dec 2024 // ???

[f6lth]

My drinks spill on me while on you

[f6lth]

[f6lth]

[f6lth]

I think it’s okay to take a sliver of someone and hold on to that. Especially if that’s all you have.

[f6lth]

When we first were married, I’d come home and open the door, but just a crack.

I’d wait… Listen for your footsteps.

I’d push open the door a little more, and I’d get a glimpse of your hair. Long and loose.

I would dole out to myself little helpings of you, like a kid with dessert.

The kind of man I had become.

Married to a woman like you. Coming home to you.

Other men, I felt sorry for. They had nothing to work for. Nothing to fight for.

They didn’t get to have you.

~ FW from the HMT

[f6lth]

Writers block, or whatever the fuck you call it, has gotten the better of me

I have not been able to pour the way I used to, to revel in the details of my fears, my agonies, my woes and misfortunes

I internally held on to so much, not being able to spill. Not being able to let these floods loose.

Now here they go bubbling up inside of me, up to my eyeballs and out. Onto paper that turns to mush. Turns into pure shit- for only me and a saddened relating few.

But I’m back- I think? I hope?

I’m back to long, and yearn, and hurt, and feel, and letter. Im back to dot the i’s of every synonym of pain I spell.

[f6lth]

[f6lth]

Heavily invested in the idea that expressing your feelings is only a good idea when they’re to be heard by people who GENUINELY! WANT!! to be your comfort and safe space