fabrikasjon

19 × croatia × gay × borderline × metalhead

[throughxthexdirt-deactivated201]

BPD & love

Lets talk about the fact that because we feel emotions so intensely that feeling love given back to us, is close to impossible.

Lets talk about the fact that almost everyone i know with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can not grasp the idea of love given back to them.. so when someone claims to love us, we get upset because we can’t feel it, end up splitting because we feel like we’re being lied to about being loved.

Being loved to us is such a weird concept, we do not understand how someone could come into our life and love us… when all of our life, we have been abused and treated with everything but what people explain as love.

Lets also talk about the fact that most of our relationships end because we get scared, and push away, OR cling and make them leave.. most of our relationships end because we can not understand/grasp the idea that someone loves us back so we automatically assume that they don’t love us.

We feel things 500x more intense then people without BPD, so if we feel like they aren’t giving the level of love or care WE are giving.. we sense rejection and fight or flight kicks in.

With my own experience with this.. i feel love for someone so strongly in the first few hours or days, and then i can not stand being around the person. i idolize them when i first meet them, get to know them, and then i get so sick and hate everything about them. I sense that they aren’t loving me on the same level as quickly as i do, so i end up leaving before i get left.

This is all apart of a survival mechanism.. all my life i have had to scope out every single situation to see when someone is going to leave, or when a slight change to be careful and guard my life. I have been on edge all of my life. I have had to learn these horrible things to survive, which after so many years turned into BPD.

Things with BPD are so much more than just rapid emotions, and “i hate you don’t leave me.”

Don’t get me wrong!! Not! Everyone! Will! Have! This! Experience! 95% of people I’ve talked to with bpd, have had this.

This is just A PART of BPD i struggle with MAJORLY, and has ruined every single thing with another person in my life, i just wanted to shine some light Incase others struggling with BPD didn’t think of this.

[rip-myselfesteem]

because if I do, you won’t stay.

[suicide-hesitation]

[secret-mind]

If you need someone to talk to, just message me or send an ask :-)

[praying]

[bones-to-perfection]

I push the good people away because it seems thay they don’t deserve a shitty person like me.

[naiveasf]

[fallingtones-deactivated2021082]

I’d rather sit and suffer alone than bring the people I care about down with me.

@fallingtones

[rip-myselfesteem]

because if I do, you won’t stay.

[sadtastical]

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[bpd-mon-coeur]

Maybe some people aren’t supposed to be alive.

[the-suicide-effect]

[poemscave]

Drowning

I was 11

Young and foolish

And didn’t know that it would

become a dangerous habit

But seeing the blood

And feeling the sharp pain

Was somehow relieving

I remember when I first did it

With a push pin plucked off my

map of the world

And it was a push pin so it just

Scratched the surface

But as I said

Actions become habits

Later it progressed to

Blades and lighters

And pills and anything that

Momentarily took the pain away

But by the time I was 15

My thoughts was suffocating me

One day I went too far

And took too many pills

I ended up on the floor of the toilet

In my secondary school

And later awakened in the hospital with

My mother crying beside me

At 19 you thought I’d be over it

But I guess those feelings will

Never leave

I am trapped in a dark cloud

And am drowning in the rain

[t-e-a-r-s-deactivated20181204]

[blue-eyed-death]

Don’t you think it’s beautiful? Don’t you like touching your scars? feeling all the pain?

[nowselfdestruct]