me

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[factorytested]

A love letter to you

The more I think about it, I think I love too violently for everyone else. Every love I’ve ever had is left in the same place we met, bloody, with claw marks. Because the second that we meet they’re trying to pull away and I’m trying to pull them in, if we were magnets maybe this would work. I want to tell you how much I appreciate you being in my life, even if it’s just platonic, even if I never get to feel your breath against my skin or your hand around mine. Truthfully I’m okay because I never believe you, I’ve never been able to believe anyone who’s said they loved me. And I get scared and suddenly there’s claw marks on my back. Would you believe me if I said I miss you?

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Letting go of you, to me, meant that I knew all the love would linger. I’m not sure what it meant to you. I think of all our conversations like a cold day in march. I’m waiting for the breeze to come in and ruin my hair. But it never does. The wind is letting me settle - as you are. But at the same time the cold is killing me. It’s killing me and you won’t let me inside. Is it complicated for you? It’s straight forward for me. I love you and I need you to hear that before I die of frostbite and I’m permanently engraved in the ground. But you’ve heard it a million times before so what am I really saying it for

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I wish I could experience life with you

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I hate the way everything leads back to you

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I love you

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It’s gut wrenching to say goodnight to you for reasons that I don’t fully understand. Letting go isn’t really a skill I possess.

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Do you ever think of me when you’re most vulnerable? Do you ever miss me? Because I always do. I always think of you. I always miss you.

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I would be so happy to just do laundry with you one day. To have you jester in defeat as all the folding makes your hands cramp. And your faux look of helplessness as you pour your lip. I’d help you fold your laundry. I would.

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Every time I find all I’ve ever wanted, my grasp seems to fail me. It slides between the webs of my fingers and falls to the ground and there’s a quickening to the closing of my hands where I am trying to hang on. I can never hang on. I have never been able to hang on.

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You’re all I’ve wished for since the day we met

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How can you wish for me to be around when around is all I ever am for you

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I’m always thinking of you, I hope you’re always thinking of me

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I can’t believe I let that happen again

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I’m not sure I’m capable of letting anyone love me anymore

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I would ring myself out like a sponge for you and I’d still somehow find more to give

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I miss you let’s never speak again

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I hate having to pretend that I don’t care

Because the truth is that I care too much