(/if he could scream, if his mouth would open, if his vocal chords could function, he’d scream until someone came into this room and made jung soryong all better. this hurts and his chest aches and his head is swimming and they have seconds left, he knows it, sol knows it, but chanyeol just doesn’t want to let go) I don’t w-want to f-forget you h-h-hyung I want-…. I want you to stay with me. (/he’s not being fair but he’s not thinking about that, not thinking about the futility of begging. he’s thinking of patches and cool music and feeling so connected with someone that you’re like zippers and a zipper doesn’t work if there’s only one half, he knows, he’s tried) I love you hyung, I love you- (/it’s too hard to breath now, fingers holding so tight to sols hospital gown that it’s at risk of tearing right off of the fragile body it’s trying to keep warm) You can’t- You can’t…I… Hyung… (/he can’t tell that he’s crying but he is, can’t tell that his heart is shattering but it is, can’t tell that the world is stopping it’s spin but it has. this world is ending for chanyeol and he doesn’t even know it) I need you, hyung. I need you.
/a part of him is glad that chanyeol doesn't want to forget him because he knows that if chanyeol forgot him then there aren't many other people left to remember him and even fewer who know he's sick to the point of dying and if chanyeol forgets then who will tell them he died?; smiles sadly at his friend's words and he wishes he could, wishes he could never leave, but he can still see the numbers counting down and even if chanyeol won't let go, he knows he can time it right that the medic won't be hurt when he does finally get ripped out./ I love you, too, Chanyeol. I love you... /lets out a slow breath and tightens his grip on the door handle./ I love you... /starts to hum gently, counting down in his head as he begins to sing gently./ Lately I've been.... I've been losing sleep... /looks to his fingers, eyes scanning over the tattoos there and even if he doesn't have the other half of the lyrics, he still knows what is inked into the medic's skin./ Dreaming about the things that we could be... /pauses, his voice shaking a little as the tempo changes and his breath catches in his throat briefly./ And things I want to say to you get lost before they come... The only thing that's worse than one is none... /lets his voice trail off and he's counting down the final seconds in his head and they're in single digits now and he holds on as long as he possibly can./ ...I love you... /turns the handle and pulls the door open./ I'll always be here, Channie. Whenever you need me. /steps through the door and into the bright light, the last threads of his conscious escaping back into his own body./
(/soryong is saying these things and chanyeol realizes that this is it, that if sol walks out of that door up there, there will be no coming back no matter how loudly chanyeol screams it into existence) No, no hyung wait- (/voice breaks and he’s holding onto sol so tightly, waiting for the other to hold onto him, too) You can’t go, you just can’t- Hyung I need you here. (/pleading, voice laced with pain and desperation and he wants to be crying, wants to let out the monster that’s ripping him apart inside) Don’t go, please, please don’t leave me here. (/his head hurts and it feels like something is trying to rip out his brain but he won’t let it, curls tighter around sols body instead and he’s pleading, over and over again, waiting for sol to wake up, waiting for the other to say something, waiting for the inevitable to fuck right off because chanyeol cannot live without soryong, that’s not the way he was made to work) Soryong, please. Don’t. Just don’t. Please don’t leave me.
/hesitates again at how chanyeol's voice sounds and it hurts, it cuts deep into his soul and makes the tears in his eyes well up again and overflow and all he wants to do is stay in chanyeol's mind, turn back around and just hide under the desk again but there's another part of him that wants to make things easier for his friend to let go./ Channie... /he tries to speak but his voice is shaking and the words are hard to force out./ If you want... if it'll make it easier... I can make you forget about me for a while... /he knows it won't help completely and chanyeol will remember eventually somehow and there's always the tattoos to remind him but he thinks it might be something and something is better than nothing if he wants his best friend to keep himself together and in one mostly-working piece./
(/the sound of someone breaking apart is more familiar than chanyeol cares to admit but it’s different this time around, differing when he has a body pressed so tight to his own that it’s hard to imagine the two of them any other way) Shhh, (/something hot slides down his face- tears, he thinks, but maybe it’s blood, maybe he’s the one dying and that would make all of this so much better) I love you too, you know… You know I love you. (/he’s so close to sol that he can hear his faint heartbeat through his shoulder) I love you. (/lets out a shaky breath because it’s true, he should have said something sooner, should have posted public service announcements on brotherhood walls, told random strangers, shouted it from a mountain but he didn’t and now they’re here) But you have to go hyung… (/and he doesn’t mean this, doesn’t want sol to go, doesn’t want to say goodbye so soon but it’s starting to hurt him now, to keep sol here in his head, his own body starts to ache because death doesn’t really care about people or who they love or why they deserve more time. it just wants more death, more people to keep it company) I love you so much, hyung. I love you and you have to go and- and, it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. (/he’s crying quietly, slowly, the action going unhindered as his free hand brushes sols hair back. it’s still so, so soft and chanyeol wishes he’d spent his entire life running his fingers through it like he is right now)
I know... I know you do... /and he does, of course he does - if there's one person in the world who knows the world's secrets it's jung soryong, even if he doesn't want to be that one person; just like he doesn't want to leave chanyeol's head, just like he doesn't want to die, just like he doesn't want this to all be over, not after everything they've been through, but he can't stop it, neither of them can, so he gets up and moves away from under the desk and towards the door but he hesitates because he knows what that door means and the moment that door closes behind him it will all be over./ Thank you, Channie. /he manages to try and steady his voice as he rests his hand on the door handle but he still hesitates because he doesn't want this to be over just yet./ You'll be okay. You've got Yixing... Yixing is good for you. You two are a good match. /the smile on his lips is sad but it's still a genuine smile because he genuinely believes it as well./ And... Patches... can you give Patches to Ilhoonie? And tell Jongdae.. /shakes his head; he's not supposed to call him that when he's being nice to him./ Tell Chen his cake is in the fridge. And... /swallows a lump in his throat./ And promise me you'll look after yourself, okay?
(/his voice sounds so weak, like an afterthought chanyeol never followed through on and the rosary is important, it’s important to soryong so it’s important to him too. he jerks upright, unoccupied hand flying to his pocket to pull it out. he climbs into bed beside the other, careful of the tubes, careful of the things trying to keep the older alive, and pressed the rosary in the spaces between their hands, coddled between palms. it’s cold to the touch, metallic, and more meaningful than chanyeol has ever understood) Here it is, hyung, I got it. (/squeezes and tries to imagine really hard about what this rosary feels like so that sol can feel it in chanyeols mind space) - (/he almost wants to ask if the other’s scared, because he certainly is, but that’s a dumb question and the last thing they need to do is wallow in their fear) …. Hyung… Sol you… you have to start letting go now. (/he sees and he hates himself for doing this, for failing, for speaking out the inevitable but everything that could go wrong has and here they are) You’re body… My body can’t hold you anymore. (/and he doesn’t look at sols face because the numbers are dropping so fast it makes him nauseous, makes his head spin, and the only thing he finds grounding is the space between sols cheek and his shoulder so he stays there, eyes closed, hand squeezed around sols rosary)
/he can't feel the rosary for himself but he tries to pretend he can, tries to focus on chanyeol's thoughts and the way the familiar piece of jewellery feels to the medic to try and picture it in his own hands and it works, a little, and it relaxes him a little; but only a little because he hears chanyeol's words as thoughts before they're spoken and suddenly everything seems much, much harder and he can feel the strain on his mind and he wants to cry so he does, face buried into his knees because even if his physical body can't cry, his mental projection can, here, in the safest place he's known, hiding away in chanyeol's mind from the rest of the world because the rest of the world doesn't understand./ Channie... /his voice is still weak but it's shaking now with emotion he's been trying to suppress ever since everything started going wrong, started getting worse so much faster and he hates it, hates himself, wishes he could be stronger for this one moment to try and make it easier for Channie because he's scared himself but once it's all over then it's over for him and he's got nothing but eternal peace to look forward to and it will be Chanyeol who's left behind to deal with the pain./ Channie, I don't... I don't want to... I love you...
I-I’m not going anywhere, (/stumbles over his words in an attempt to get them out as fast as he can. he’s afraid if he doesn’t speak quickly, he won’t be heard and then sol will never know what he has to say, what he’s always had to say but never did because ill tell him tomorrow, there will always be tomorrow except there isn’t a tomorrow this time. he’d always thought there’d be a little more time) I’ll never leave you, hyung. I promise. (/his fear outweighs his sense and both of those things are completely overridden by his desperation to make this all okay somehow. if he was religious, he’d pray, but he isn’t, and the only god he can pray to is the one that’s never ever listened. for the first time in his life, he wants to believe in something, anything, that could pull them out of this mess) - (/swallows and reflexively squeezes the olders hand) Tell me… Tell me about the time we dressed Patches up. What was that outfit? I can’t… I can’t remember. (/thinks for a few seconds) It was, oh my god, it was an eggplant. Remember how he rolled on the floor and tried to get it off? (/laughs a little and it aches a little, how his body has to get rid of this laughter, of this happiness, because he just isn’t made to contain it all) I think I left my oven on when I left. (/and that’s a stupid problem, but it’s the only one he wants to think matters. he doesn’t want to talk about anything but he doesn’t want to be quiet and he doesn’t want either of them to think about what’s happening so they’re left with patches and eggplants and a dinner being burned in an oven that’s never used)
/the smile on his face is weak, barely strong enough for him to feel it mentally in his safe place in chanyeol's head let alone try and get it to reach his almost completely motionless body; he wants the never to be real, but he knows it won't be, he knows that there are other people in the medic's life, other people that will become the focus of his attention soon enough but he tries not to think about that right now, tries to focus only on chanyeol and the way his friend is trying to distract them both, but it's not working too well, mostly because he feels tired which is strange because he doesn't remember ever feeling tired in Chanyeol's mind before and he puts it down to the strain on his mind and on his body and it just makes it even harder to try and let himself be swept up in the medic's tactics - which usually work, honestly./ Channie? /tries to sound as stable as he can but that's easier said than done, especially when he doesn't have anything to comfort him in the same way everyone else can seek comfort - he's always wanted to be able to hold someone to get himself through something and even if he could feel the medic's touch before, from inside his mindscape, he feels numb./ Where's my rosary? I was wearing it before...
(/his head jerks up, staring at sol because god finally listened and gave him the miracle he’s been asking for since he was six years old. but sol isn’t awake, he isn’t, he’s just in chanyeols head so chanyeol bites back tears and lays his head back on the others thigh, fingers squeezing just a little too tight. he closes his eyes and tries to pretend that they aren’t in a hospital room, that they’re in his room or sols room or anywhere else but here and they’re just talking, just like they always do) Hyung… (/trails off because he can see sol, sort of, in his head, and it’s so comforting to have him here) I- (/but he doesn’t know what to say because he’s sorry and scared and this wasn’t supposed to happen) I didn’t mean, I didn’t want- … I never thought… (/ i promised you and i couldn’t do it hyung im sorry please don’t die i need you here) - (/takes in a shuddering breath and he’s still not crying. that’s weird) I don’t know what to do hyung, what do you need me to do? I’ll do anything.
/he's been in chanyeol's mind enough times to know it back-to-front; he knows were every memory is kept and what memories are associated to who and, for some of them, he even knows the specifics of the memories, but even after all this time he doesn't know where in chanyeol's mind is the closest place to his eyes or to his heart, so he finds himself sitting under the desk, knees drawn up to his chest, because it feels safer than anywhere else./ Chanyeol... /he doesn't know what to say but that's nothing new, he never knows what to say, except this time he really wishes he did know because he wants to make everything better, he wants to make everything easier for his friend, but he also wants to be selfish like he's never been before in his life./ I need you to stay with me, Channie. /swallows and lays his head on top of his knees./ I can't do this alone...
(/the hospital chairs they keep in the medical wing are incredibly uncomfortable and his elbows are digging into his knees. sol has a breathing tube in and it’s breathing for him because he can’t do it himself and the sight of it makes chanyeol nauseous. sol wouldn’t have wanted this, he’s sure, but he also wouldn’t have wanted to die) Hyung, (/his voice is hoarse and his eyes are rimmed red even though he never started crying) Hyung, please you have to… you just have to wake up. (/everything is so shaky and the room is spinning and he scoots closer to the bed, leaning across the others wire riddled body) I can still- I can fix this hyung but you have to wake up. (/desperate, pleading, his hands grip the hospital sheets like they’re sols heart and with enough folding and pushing and prodding it’ll have to keep beating) Please. (/chokes and he wants to cry but his eyes are dry and all he’s left with are these broken and dry sobs, stomach heaving, trying to get rid of what he knows he can’t erase. he lays his head on sols thigh and it still feels like home, rests his hand on sols hand and it still feels like a million dreams they never saw fulfilled. he interlaces their fingers and their tattoos are readable now and chanyeol doesn’t know what to do now, what to do ever) Please just wake up hyung, please
/consciousness isn't his best friend but neither is his entire body or even his mind because nothing is listening and nothing is doing what he wants it to and all he wants to do right now is lie in his own bed in his own room with Patches and Chanyeol and pretend like he isn't sick; like he isn't dying, like his body isn't shutting down on him fast enough to be terrifying but slow enough to be torturous; he can hear Chanyeol and he can feel the weight on his thigh and then he can feel his fingers sliding against skin and if he could have, he would have smiled at the bright light that flashes his vision - not that he was looking at anything anyway - and then the light fades into a familiar space and everything is clear and colourful and unchanged by the limitations forced on his physical being./ Chanyeol? /he calls gently because he doesn't want to scare his friend or surprise him, he just wants to talk, because even with the endless reassurance ever since they had figured out what was wrong, even with how hard the medic had tried, even with how much he continued to insist, even Sol knows it's too late now, that he shouldn't even be conscious enough to be drawn into his friend's mind and maybe it's his power that's keeping him going right now - or maybe it's his power that's killing him in the first place./ I'm awake, Chanyeol.
text: u ate my birthday cake didn't you text: that or u gave it patches text: heh will u tho i mean am i rly that special to u say yes text: but it's not my birthday anymore tho and i cant think of any excuse for the cake text: but yes i want one pls hyung :(
text: my bIRTHDAY CAKE??? text: hyung c'mon dont be like this text: i have proof ok (/and he scrolls down his inbox, only to realize that he had just cleared his messages two days ago so yes, it's all gone now) text: nevermind, i cant find it text: but my cake tho :l
[text] who said anything about birthday cake? there's no birthday cake here.
[text] you know cake doesn't last two months anyway.
‡ And Who Am I Kidding; Just A Little Boy Trying To Play With Men, I'm In Over My Head
When Soryong had joined the Brotherhood, he had done it with the intention of being able to do something. For once in his long, pain-filled life where he had only ever been seen as a failure in the eyes of almost everyone he knew, he was finally able to be of use to someone; to something that mattered, something that was bigger than just him and another person.
He was useful to a cause. It was a cause he believed in and it was a cause that gave him strength and it was a cause that had helped to pull him out of his shell; to stop stammering over every word and shying away from every touch and being scared of what he could do with his hands and with his mind.
Thanks to the Brotherhood, he was able to hold his head high. He was able to look at himself in the mirror every morning and smile at himself and who he was and what he did. He was able to work doing something he loved and work with people he had come to know as friends and family and even more and, for the first time in twenty-four years, he had felt like he had finally found where he belonged.
He wanted to do something to help; he wanted to finish the final touches on the jet to make it perfectly flyable for even the most useless pilot and then finish the final touches on a set of drones he had been working on so he could equip them with weaponry and pilot them by remote from inside his garage to try and bring down at least a couple of the sentinels.
But with his vision blurred and refusing to focus and his head pounding and his memory slipping at the worst possible times, right when he needed to focus, there wasn't a whole lot he could do. He couldn't even call in someone else to try and guide them through it because it would mean exposing his sickness to more people than he was willing to and the very idea of letting someone else into his space to work on his projects was nauseating and uncomfortable and he knew he would just end up yelling and kicking them out anyway.
In the end, he was just as useless to the Brotherhood as he had been to everyone else. He just wished that he hadn't seen it coming and wondered if maybe he had been more positive about everything and more optimistic about his usefulness going the distance then maybe things would have worked out for the better.
Maybe he would have made a real difference to the cause.
Maybe he wouldn't have gotten sick.
Sol heaved a sigh and pushed himself to his feet, one hand on his stomach to try and push away the nauseous feeling building there. Following the sound of Patches's barking, he eventually made it where his dog's bed was set up and lowered himself to sit on the concrete beside it. One hand found fur and began to stroke through it and the other moved to his head, the heel of his palm pressing into his eyes after he closed them.
His head felt heavy and uncomfortable and the nausea in his gut was building and the taste of burning copper in the back of his mouth was strange and unfamiliar. He drew his hand back, away from Patches, to hold his stomach again instead as he tried to figure out why his body was rebelling against him again - it had done something like this a few nights ago just before he had napped but it hadn't been nearly this bad.
The mechanic wasn't given time to consider it too deeply, though, because as the taste of copper grew sharper on his tongue, his body stopped responding, his muscles seized and seconds later there was nothing but black.
amandla
pixelskylines
prguitarman
